It’s amazing how often people repeat the same patterns in relationships, expecting to get different results while using the exact same strategies that led to emotional pain in the past.
You can probably guess how I try to intervene when one of my clients seems to be stuck in one of these repetitive patterns.
It’s easier said than done, but we work to identify a new approach that will leave behind key mistakes.
However, there are times when I do the opposite.
Sometimes I advise my client to continue with the same approach that led to a painful relationship outcome in the past.
Why would I do that?
The answer is quite simple. Sometimes, it’s just not your fault. Sometimes, things got screwed up because you did everything right but the guy you dated was wacky.
I like small changes that get big results.
I have a small change to suggest today.
You’ve probably done it before. I’m just suggesting you do it again (and perhaps more often).
“Attracting Through Irresistible Qualities”… That’s the tagline I wish I had been clever enough to think of when I started my BeIrresistible.com website.
Those of you who have been through the complete guide to being irresistible will be familiar with this next concept.
It’s easier to approach someone when you have something to give.
You tend to feel a little more awkward and hesitant to approach a stranger when there’s something you want.
Imagine you’re sitting in an airport, waiting for your flight to board. In the same waiting area there’s an attractive, eligible-looking man sitting nearby. Score!
The presence of an attractive man is one thing; finding an easy way to start a conversation with him is another.
Imagine he gets up to board the plane, and you notice he left his cell phone behind.
Suddenly, approaching him becomes very easy. You have something to give. You are the giver. In that role, you feel relaxed and confident about catching his attention.
It’s very different when you start with something you want.
My friend often finds herself smiling in the dark just after switching off her nightlight.
She has a daughter named Claire. Claire is an adorable five-year-old who was born with a heart defect that has already required open-heart surgery once.
The smallest airborne virus poses a particular threat to Claire’s body because of her vulnerability to life-threatening pneumonia.
Fortunately, Claire’s mother has some good coping skills for dealing with the stress. Each night, before drifting off to sleep, she and her husband recall the funny things Claire has done during the day.
Claire has an adventurous spirit. She’s always laughing, inventing games, or trying to argue her way out of punishments for ideas she took a little too far.
My friend practices the art of “taking in the good,” which is the term used by neuroscientist, Rick Hansen in his book, Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence.
By recounting the funny things Claire did during the day, she develops the habit of appreciating what is good.
There’s a powerful saying that goes like this…
“You attract people by the qualities you display. You keep them by the qualities you possess.”
This saying means two things.
- You should strive to put your best foot forward, but you must never forget to cultivate true depth in the qualities that make you valuable as a friend or partner.
- If you develop the right qualities, the right people will be attracted to you.
It’s the second part that poses a problem. It takes a lot of faith to believe that.
It takes faith to believe other people will ever discover the qualities you have worked your entire life to embody.
But now consider the wisdom captured in this next saying:
“Let your faith be bigger than your fear.”
This is internal chemistry. I’m talking about mixing two powerful ideas…ideas that change you when you dwell on them.
Here are the complementary ideas stated in a slightly different way. Notice how powerful they are when combined together.