What to do When He Makes You Mad

What to do When He Makes You MadMaybe you can relate to Marcy’s story.

She was at her wits end. It had been a pretty cruddy day.

She slept late that morning. Work had been…well, work. Certainly not a vacation. She missed her spin class that afternoon. And to top it off, Peter cancelled their dinner plans at the last minute.  Why? To go to a game with some friends.

You’ve been there, right? He does something that makes you want to scream. But, like Marcy, you don’t scream. Instead, you call a trusted friend, meet for coffee, and indulge in an epic venting session.

Venting often feels good in the moment.  But sadly, venting can make things worse in your actual relationship. In fact, research shows that it’s far more likely to intensify negative emotions in the long run. That was certainly Marcy’s experience.

As they were finishing up their conversation, Shannon gave her a hug.

“Feeling better?” she asked.

“Yes, it feels good to talk. I just wish he wasn’t such a jerk.” Even though she’d griped about Peter, she still felt upset.

But it’s not good to keep anger all bottled up inside, right? Aren’t you supposed to let it out?

Not necessarily.

That idea came from an antiquated theory of how emotions work. It started back in Sigmund Freud’s day when it was commonly believed that emotions work like hydraulics. As if an emotion was a substance that would squirt out your ears if it did not come out some other way.

But modern science has disproven that way of looking at anger and frustration. Emotions arise live, in the moment. They depend on our beliefs and perceptions.

That’s why you can be furious one moment, and suddenly happy the next when one tiny bit of information changes everything.  Like you miss a flight and feel miserable about the wasted money. But then you learn the aircraft went missing somewhere over the Indian Ocean. Now you feel grateful. And it wasn’t because you “let your anger out,” about missing the flight.

Therapists no longer advise people to punch a pillow when they’re angry. Because the research shows you’re better off relaxing your muscles and thinking calming thoughts. Or writing down your options for how to respond to an upsetting situation.

You see, anger is not something you can purge.  Expressing anger isn’t enough. If all you do is talk about why you’re mad, you’re just dwelling on your anger.

And, according to psychological research studies, dwelling on anger will only make you angrier. Which, ironically, SETS YOU UP for a fight with your guy instead of defusing it.

Kind of the opposite of what you want.

Fortunately, there’s a better way to deal with anger.

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Get Him to Like You More by Letting Him “Win” You Over

Get Him to Like You More by Letting Him “Win” You OverA guy purposefully ignores a woman who’s interested in him. You’ve seen this in romantic movies before, right?

Doing this drives her crazy. Her desire increases. She has to find a way to win his heart.

It causes her to pay a lot more attention to him. It causes her to engage in huge romantic gestures.

And finally, she wins the heart of the guy she desires.

This is not what I’m telling you to do.

Why? Because it’s a Hollywood lie.

Here’s what’s most likely to happen if you ignore the guy you like: he’ll ignore you back. Definitely not what you want.

“Playing hard to get” can turn a guy off. Especially if he has lots of other options

So you do not want to play hard to get. But you also don’t want to just fawn all over him.

Because there’s something that works better.

It comes down to human psychology and what we like. And while we are definitely attracted to people who like us, something attracts us more.

The suggestion I’m about to make is based on a study. It was conducted on college students.

How did it work? The experimenter would describe the research subject, and “accidentally” let them overhear. The experimenter described each research participant in one of four ways:

  • all positive
  • all negative
  • initially negative but becoming positive
  • initially positive but becoming negative

The subject got to “accidentally” hear this description. And it greatly impacted how they felt about the experimenter.

Which makes sense, right?

So which of those descriptions made subjects like the experimenter the most?

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Beginners Guide to Setting Boundaries with Texting

Beginners Guide to Setting Boundaries with TextingPhone calls are out. And texting is in.

We text friends. We text family members. We text work colleagues. In fact, many of us prefer texting to other forms of communication.

But some people take it too far. They text constantly. Or about things that shouldn’t be in texts. Or they avoid communicating in other ways.

This can be uncomfortable, no matter who you’re interacting with. But it’s particularly trying in a romantic relationship. Especially in the beginning.

Excessive or inappropriate texting can feel like stalking. It can make you think you’re in a relationship when you’re really not. It can allow you to say things you wouldn’t face-to-face. It can push two people apart.

That’s why I recommend setting texting boundaries early on. This way, you both know where you stand. You both know what’s okay. And what isn’t.

Boundaries make it easier to show each other respect. You know where the lines are. You don’t have to worry and wonder about doing too much. Or too little.

In other words, setting texting boundaries makes getting to know each other less stressful. Seriously.

Texting is a big part of the modern anxiety of dating. Are you responding enough? Too much? Are you saying the right things? Can he tell what you mean? How can you ask him to cool it without hurting his feelings?

Boundaries wipe all of that away. Which is why I’m going to tell you exactly which boundaries to set and how to set them.

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The Golden Rule When Giving Gifts to Guys

The Golden Rule When Giving Gifts to GuysYou’ve met a sweet guy who you can’t stop thinking about. Everywhere you go, you see things that make you think of him. You even keep seeing things that you think he should own—a gorgeous tie, a funny t-shirt, a new watch…

Stop, right there!

Don’t get me wrong—guys love receiving gifts as much as most women do. After all, most men also grew up eagerly waiting for special occasions that are all about gift giving.

So what’s the catch? Traditional gender roles.

Times may be changing, but traditional gender roles still have power. Boys are allowed to get excited about gifts, but over time, they learn to be less visibly excited about the receiving part. Why?

From a young age, men are programmed to see themselves as providers. Naturally, this affects their relationship to gift receiving too.

That’s right. While most women enjoy receiving gifts—even on a first date—for most men the opposite holds true.

Picture a woman showing up with a gift on a first or even fourth date while her date stands around empty handed. Sure, a few guys might be happy to accept the gift and get on with the date, but this could also be the start of a dating disaster.

But don’t worry! A few simple tips can help you navigate the guys and gifts dilemma.

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