How long does it take for a man to know if he’s attracted to you?

He knows from the moment he sets eyes on you.

In hard numbers, that’s 100 milliseconds.

Researchers at Princeton found that we’re most accurate when it comes to making snap judgements about two traits:

Trustworthiness and attractiveness.[1]

We don’t need a half-hour coffee date to figure out whether we’re attracted to someone. Our gut has its answer at hello.

Given how much work we put into winning over the opposite sex, that’s frustrating. It suggests that, no matter what you say during that coffee date, he’s already made up his mind about you.

But maybe … just maybe … that’s a GOOD thing.

If he’s already decided whether he’s attracted or not, there’s no performance pressure. You can sit back, relax, and let the date unfold as it will. If it seems to be going poorly, you can cut it short with no guilt. You don’t have to try to change his mind.

Research like this brings up interesting questions about how much control we actually have over attraction.

Most of us believe there are a number of practical things we can do to improve our attractiveness. It’s as if there’s an attractiveness scale of 1 to 10, and we can move up on that scale with hard work and effort.

But therapists who work with married couples often see attraction in a very different light. Couples pick each other not because he’s funny or she’s sexy. They pick each other because of lovemaps formed long before they met.

These powerful, subconscious influences explain why men may pass over a seemingly “perfect woman” to marry someone who appears less appealing. The outside world sees a mismatched couple, whereas in fact they’re the perfect fit.

Lovemaps even explain your dating history.

Consider the men you’ve found yourself attracted to over the course of your life. Was your attraction to these men a conscious choice … or was it a compulsion that made no sense? If it felt like something you had no choice over, then that’s a sure sign it was coming from your lovemap.

Lovemaps also explain why the guys you like often end up dating women who aren’t half the woman you are. You can’t understand why he would pick her over you. But then again, you’re only seeing what’s on the surface. You’re not seeing his lovemap.

So what is a lovemap and how can it help us understand the enduring power of first impressions?

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Do you like games?

Board games? Frisbee? Video games? Pool?

Then invite your guy to play.

Or, if you don’t have a guy, invite someone you like to play with you.

You may just find that some silly fun unleashes incredible chemistry.

If you’re tired of the typical first date at a coffee shop, you’re not alone. It’s hard to drum up much excitement when you’re swapping stories over the din of a crowded café.

Coffee dates are low energy and low investment. You don’t expect much to happen.

Which is why the second date should get your juices flowing. You know you have enough in common to make conversation for at least an hour. You want to get beneath the surface and find out who he really is and what makes him tick.

But if he’s still acting reserved around you. It’s because he’s still trying to be on his best behavior. What can you do to get him to drop his guard?

You can play a game.

If you’ve worked in the corporate world, you might remember those team-building exercises where everyone goes out to bowl or play laser tag.

You’re supposed to be having fun and building goodwill, but that doesn’t always happen. The same old office dynamics can play out. The competitive team members take over, while others watch from a distance and gossip instead of participating.

For a game to work, everyone has to be into it.

Which means choosing something you’ll both find fun is your first test of compatibility.

According to Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, there are eight kinds of “play personalities:”

The joker, who likes practical jokes; the kinesthete, who loves to move; the explorer, who thrives on novelty; the competitor, who wants to win; the director, who wants to organize everything; the collector, who curates experiences; the artist, who needs room to create; and the storyteller, who loves to perform.

Play a game of mini-golf with him, and you’ll quickly see which category he falls into.

Once you’re totally immersed in the game, don’t be surprised if that smooth, polished guy you met back at the café transforms into a guy who’s much sillier and more enthusiastic.

Play is spontaneous, not calculated. You lose your sense of self-consciousness. Playing can make you feel more vulnerable, especially if you’re still mastering the skills.

It’s the perfect setting to tease out the qualities of a man who has, up until now, focused on showing you his best side.

If it’s a game he’s not good at, does he get frustrated and take his anger out on something or someone?

If you start to beat him, does he take it with grace or get extra competitive?

What you want to see is a man who doesn’t press his advantage, notices when you’re struggling, helps you out, and has a sense of humor about the whole thing. It’s just a game; it’s not the World Cup finals.

Playing is more than just a tool for sizing up a man.

It’s also a way of spicing up a well-established relationship. Here’s how it works…

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Being authentic isn’t a dating strategy; it’s the most comfortable, healthy way to live your life.

When you meet a guy for the first time, do you know exactly how you want to come across?

Flirty, but not over the top. Fun, but no party girl. Interesting, but interested in him, too.

You’ve got this persona crafted that shows off your best traits. It’s your best shot at impressing him.

You’re smart enough to wait until he’s asked you out again—or maybe a couple of times—before you let him start to see the real you.

That’s how a lot of people play the dating game, online and offline.

Online, it’s easy to create a persona that gives him exactly the impression you want to make. You’re in charge of the photos he sees and the details he reads. Your online persona might be wittier or sexier than how you are in person, but that’s okay. Everyone knows that’s the way the game is played.

But maybe you’ve found yourself wishing a guy would like you for YOU.

That he’d see you warts and all, the way you really are, and love you anyway.

This guy wouldn’t want the persona. He’d just want you. The “you” you are when you’re with your friends or family, people who know you better than anyone else alive.

It’s ironic.

We all dream of being loved for who we are—men and women alike—but we lead with our personas. We’re not convinced that who we are is appealing enough. We want the edge that extra bit of gloss or shine will give us.

Instead of winning, we lose. Because we can’t shake the feeling that people like us for who they THINK we are…

And they’ll stop liking us if they know the truth.

Being authentic isn’t a dating strategy; it’s the most comfortable, healthy way to live a life.

Have the courage to drop the persona. Show him the person you are when you’re with your friends. He can’t love the real you if he doesn’t know the real you.

These three tips can help.

Authenticity Tip #1. 3 Cheers for Rejection!

How many times have you felt rejected? Let me guess: probably a lot more than you would like.

Every time you feel rejected, a small part of you says that the problem is YOU. He’s rejecting you because you’re not “good enough” in some way.

The solution, clearly, is to fix all the mistakes you’re making. If you can find out what it is about you that’s turning men off, you can nip it in the bud and claim the love you deserve.

It sounds so reasonable. It makes so much sense.

But thinking this way can backfire BIG time.

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What if I told you there was one sure-fire scientifically-proven way to spice things up in your relationship?

It’s used by relationship counselors in their own marriages.[1]

It’s so powerful that it may even give a fertility boost to couples struggling to conceive.

This technique will make you appear more attractive to your partner, spike his desire for you, and make him perceive other men as being more interested in you.

And it’s backed by solid research.

When I tell you what it is, you’re probably going to want to hit me. 😉 It’s so unbelievably easy and obvious. But most couples never even think to use this technique to deliberately dial up the heat in their relationship.

What is it?

Absence.

Time spent apart is good for your relationship.

Dr. Todd Shackelford is a director at the Evolutionary Psychology Lab at Oakland University, and one of his areas of interest is male jealousy.

He investigates the role of jealousy in everything from the average marriage to domestic violence and even murder.

He’s discovered that this primal drive shapes male behavior in ways we can’t even fathom yet.

For example, research shows that married men with wives who have a lot of male friends or co-workers want to get physically intimate more often.[2]

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