The Secret Counselors Use To Get Guys To Open Up

The Secret Counselors Use To Get Guys To Open UpResolving a point of tension in your relationship feels so good.

It feels like a weight being lifted off your shoulders.

After successfully working through a relationship problem, you feel lighter, happier, and more “together” with your partner than you ever did before. Even if it was just a small issue with your boyfriend.

But it can be endlessly frustrating when your partner shuts you down every time you even try to address an issue that bothers you.

That’s where a third-party can help.

And it doesn’t need to be someone you know. Because they have a tendency to take sides. And even if they don’t, they lack the finesse of a professional counselor.

I know what you’re thinking. “My guy would never make an appointment to see a professional relationship counselor.”

But you only think that because you haven’t seen how quick and easy it is to start text-based relationship counseling. (That’s a link to the online counseling service I recommend, by the way.)

I’ve found that men are much more open minded to the idea of relationship counseling when they can just write back and forth with a licensed counselor instead of making an appointment.

The counselor becomes a mediator of sorts. A trusted third party who has a knack for getting both of you to use more of the emotional intelligence you already have, not only to solve problems, but to enhance the relationship in unexpected ways too.

Are you the only one who purposefully nurtures the relationship?

Do you see its amazing potential and purposely invest in it?

If so, it wouldn’t surprise me. Women tend to be the emotional leaders in relationships.

They’re the ones thinking of ways to connect and get closer. They’re the ones reading books and newsletters like this one. They’re always learning how to love better.

Men?

Well, you’ll spot the occasional man reading a relationship book. But guys often fail to see the relationship as a living thing that needs attention. They’d rather leave all that stuff to their wives and girlfriends.

That’s a problem.

When a man abdicates his responsibility for the emotional labor of the relationship, the woman gets stuck with it all.

That’s why it can really pay off to get a licensed relationship counselor working to support your efforts. Even if it’s just for you to have someone to talk to…

A “thinking partner” you can bounce ideas off of as you work on things.

And if you do get him to join the written chat sessions? In that case, a well-trained relationship counselor can take some of the burden off of you, so you stop looking like the bad guy when you ask your man to work on things.

It’s hard to make progress if he gets an attitude every time you try to work on the relationship. A 6-year study of 130 newlyweds found that the strongest predictor of happiness is the husband’s attitude.

If he’s willing to work with his partner, listen to her input, and take her recommendations on board, their marriage is much more likely to last.

Only a third of the men in the study were willing to accept their partner’s influence, however.

Others reacted to their partner’s suggestions with defensiveness, anger, or stonewalling.

They didn’t feel they had to do ANYTHING their partner suggested. They saw the work of relationships—negotiating, compromising—as a struggle for power and control.

Their thinking went something like this:

“She isn’t the boss of me. How dare she criticize me! I work and work, and she doesn’t appreciate it. If I let her have her way this once, she’s going to keep asking. She nags all the time. She just wants to control me.”

That refusal to address conflict or work through disagreements diminishes the potential of a relationship.

What can you do, when your partner refuses to let you influence him?

Not much. You’re stuck.

You may think you can live with it, but know this. If he won’t listen to you, your relationship has an 81% chance of falling apart.

Of course, women don’t always listen to their partners, either. No one is perfect.

But in general women are better at taking their partner’s feelings and preferences into account. That’s their job, as emotional custodians of the relationship. They try to balance everyone’s wants and needs.

But maybe you shouldn’t.

Maybe you should let a professional do the balancing of everyone’s needs. That way you can just say what you need and leave it up to the counselor to make sure he hears that request in the right frame of mind.

Speaking of frame of mind, that’s really the secret sauce for relationship counselors. They’re good at framing problems differently. And that’s a skill you can use too.

You see, counselors are masters of framing discussions in the right light. They set the stage before talking about difficult issues. They accomplish that by getting people into the right frame of mind before tackling stressful topics.

We can all learn something from their tactics. So let me share just one of them with you today. It’s a secret for getting guys to open up.

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Are You Up for the Challenge of Deeper Dating?

Are You Up for the Challenge of Deeper Dating?Why do you date?

To find someone to love for a lifetime, right?

And the best way to do that, most of us assume, is to become the best version of ourselves we can possibly be. Invest in yourself, and love will come calling.

But Ken Page has a different idea.

He wants you to stop fixing yourself and start accepting yourself, exactly as you are right now in this moment.

Because the person you are is PERFECT. Even your flaws. Even your weaknesses. Even your mistakes.

It’s what you think is worst about yourself, he says, that will lead you home.

That’s the idea behind deeper dating, a revolutionary philosophy on love that turns conventional wisdom upside down.

In a world where so many men and women spend precious resources trying to be more appealing to the opposite sex, you’d think it would be easier to find love than ever. We’re better looking. We’re more cosmopolitan. We’re more debonair. 😉

Yet today’s singles find dating to be harder than people did 100 years ago.

Modern women are more attractive, witty, and desirable than ever, yet marriages that last a lifetime are increasingly out of reach.

Could it be because dating has become increasingly artificial? Singles hide their true selves behind a mask of selfies, texts, and Spanx. Everything is designed to appeal to the opposite sex; everything that might be unappealing is carefully hidden.

So, when a man falls for a woman—and she falls for him—they’re falling for each other’s false self. They’re not seeing what’s truest about each other. They’re seeing what the other person wants them to see.

No wonder relationships fall apart so fast.

As you get closer, you begin to trust one another. You let down your guard. You reveal more of your true self. But your true self can look a little (or a lot) different from the woman he met on that first date. Maybe she was confident, but you’re shy. Maybe she was up for anything, while you’re more cautious.

Hopefully, his initial positive impression of you will sweep him past those revelations, but it might not. He might break things off when he sees you’re not the woman he imagined in his head.

Men are just as guilty of presenting a false self on a date. I’m sure you’ve experienced the kind, funny, communicative guy who turns into a dark, monosyllabic jerk once you’re in a relationship!

If what we want is solid, compatible relationships, then we’ve got to stop focusing on acing that first date. We’ve got to focus on authenticity. Showing each other who we truly are, even if that isn’t Insta-worthy.

Here’s what that might look like (and why it’s so valuable).

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The Most Important Conversation Technique You’ll Ever Learn

The Most Important Conversation Technique You’ll Ever Learn“I can’t believe you did that.” Brenda sat, stunned. “I’m so mad at you!”

“Why? Why do you have to control everything I do?” David replied. “I have a right to do things without checking in with you first.”

“Then you shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship, Buster, because that’s what people in relationships do. They check in with each other. They communicate.”

“By yelling at each other? Like you do all the time with me?”

“I’m not yelling! This isn’t about me. This is about you. You not caring. You not respecting me.”

David shrugged. “I’d respect you a lot more if you didn’t blow up at me about everything.”

“I’ve had it.” Brenda got up. “I’m going to go cool off, but this isn’t over.”

Though you might not guess it from this argument, Brenda and David actually loved each other very much. They were one of my favorite couples to work with. Her high-octane energy perfectly complemented his laid-back coolness. They’d been together for years. But they wanted to sort a few things out before taking the next step… to start a family.

Which is why Brenda came to talk to me.

She knew the way she and David argued wasn’t healthy. She didn’t want them to be the kind of parents who fought in front of their kids.

But she didn’t know what to do. They were stuck in a pattern where nothing she did could get through to David. He just ignored her and did what he wanted anyway.

In fact, just moments before this argument, they’d been snuggling together on the couch, watching television. During an ad break, she’d asked him about his day. He casually mentioned the deposit he made for an expensive mountain bike.

Money is one of the biggest trigger points for couples. And my friends were no exception.

Brenda thought they were on the same page about saving up for a deposit on a house. How could they have a family if they didn’t have a family home? And how would David make a good dad if he continued to be so selfish?

I paused and waited till I had Brenda’s full attention before asking her, “Do you really want this pattern to change?”

“Absolutely!” she said.

“Even if it’s going to be hard?”

“I’m in.”

I could see the conviction in her eyes. “Then I’m going to teach you a type of dialogue that’s going to change everything.”

Intentional dialogue is a technique that transforms relationships. ANY kind of relationship.

Your relationship with your partner. Your parents. Your children. Your clients.

It drains the conflict from difficult conversations. It stops the vicious cycle of attack and counterattack. And it makes you feel closer and more connected than ever.

Intentional dialogue will give you the kind of relationship you’ve never had before—one in which it’s safe to voice your feelings. Safe to disagree.

How do you do it?

It’s a three-step process that becomes quite natural the more you use it.

(And the more you use it, the more you’ll want to use it—because you’ll see for yourself how good it feels.)

It goes like this:

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Most People Make At Least One of These 6 Relationship Mistakes

Most People Make At Least One of These 6 Relationship MistakesHave you ever noticed that your romantic challenges seem to be the same, even when you’re with different guys? Would you like to know why?

You’ve probably seen the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. In it, Kate Hudson’s character accepts a weird bet. She wagers she can drive a guy away within 10 days just by committing common relationship mistakes.

She’s possessive and clingy. She picks a fight in a movie theater and then pushes the guy to defend her. She moves things into his apartment . . . within days of meeting him. If there’s a behavior that’s likely to make a guy want to scream and run, she embraces it.

And it’s funny because everyone knows not to do that stuff.

But what about the things that don’t sound like such a bad idea—things you’ve even been advised to do. Things that have become habits.

Some of them really mess with romance, too.

And you’re not like Kate’s character in that movie. You’re not trying to drive a guy away. You’re shooting for real intimacy.

You’re absolutely not sabotaging your dating life on purpose. Everything you do you do for a reason. And yet…

Most people have at least one of the following 6 habits that make relationships harder to succeed with.

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