Think of the last guy you were attracted to. Someone you REALLY liked.

Did being with this guy make you feel:

1. Like you’d be happy forever if only he’d commit to you? But first you’ve got to show him how great you are and how great his life would be with you?
2. Like you’d be happy forever if only he’d change in some small way: treat you better, show up on time, get some ambition, or spend more time with you?
3. Like you’d be happy forever if only you could change yourself: become less needy, better at relationships, or more physically attractive?
4. Like you ARE pretty happy, already?

If you answered a, b, or c, what you experienced was an attraction of deprivation.

If you answered d, what you experienced was an attraction of inspiration.

And knowing the difference between the two could help you find the man of your dreams a whole lot faster.

Attractions of Deprivation

These terms were coined by psychotherapist Ken Page as a way to help singles identify the most promising relationships.

Attractions of deprivation are defined by need. He’s like an itch you need to scratch. You just need SOMETHING to make it perfect.

You need him to commit to you, you need him to stop drinking, or you need to stop doing whatever it is that’s pushing him away.

When you’re stuck in an attraction of deprivation, you feel deprived of this state of perfect happiness that you imagine you’ll find on the other side of your obstacles.

You’re driven to do whatever it takes. You work on yourself. You work on the relationship. You work on him.

You work and work and work…

Yet that elusive state of happiness seems further away than ever.

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It’s nerve-wracking enough to message someone online.

But then to meet them in person?

Terrifying!

You can always put your best foot forward online. You can think about what you want to say before you type it. You can post that one photo (out of the dozens you took) that flatters you in every way.

None of that matters once he meets you.

Once he meets you, he’ll form an impression of you that you’re powerless to change.

So how do you make sure it’s the RIGHT impression?

That’s what behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards studies.

She uses science to break down the practical skills of communicating charisma, leadership, and confidence.

And she’s discovered 3 unexpected techniques that will ensure you’ll make a memorable first impression.

First Impression Hack #1:
Don’t worry about what you say.

Seriously!

What you say really doesn’t matter.

What matters is your body language.

Van Edwards analyzed hundreds of hours of TED talks to find out why some talks went viral while others went unnoticed. She discovered that viewers rated the talks the same, regardless of whether they watched them with the sound ON or OFF.

She even discovered the secret to exceptional body language:

It’s all in the hands.

Your hands are the first thing people notice about you. No, they’re not noticing whether you have a manicure or not! They’re looking to see whether your hands are out in the open or hidden behind your back.

Throughout human history, the first thing anyone wanted to know about an approaching stranger was whether they were safe or not. If the stranger’s hands were hidden, they might be carrying a weapon. If the stranger’s hands were visible, it was a sign they were coming in peace.

So make sure your hands are out in the open when you meet him for the first time. Don’t shove your hands in your pockets or clasp them behind your back.

And, wherever possible, do your talking with your hands. The more expressive your hands, the more memorable he’ll find you.

First Impression Hack #2:
Smile only when you mean it.

Van Edwards did a fun study to find out who people hated more: people who talked too much, people who said nothing at all, people who were fake, or people who were show-offs.

Care to guess the answer?

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Is it better to be conventionally attractive…

Or is it better to look interesting?

I’ll tell you what I’ve noticed about the effect this has for women, but first, let me tell you about guys who have tested this idea.

“Peacocking” is rooted in Mother Nature’s design for male birds.

In many bird species, the male looks significantly different to the female. His bold visual display is designed to attract female attention.

The peacock is one example. The female is brown, perfectly camouflaged to blend into the landscape, while the male is iridescent blue with a huge tail span. The male’s exceptional appearance doesn’t help it survive in the wild, but it does help attract female interest.

From these natural beginnings, “peacocking” became popular in the 1990s among a subset of men in the bar and club scene. These men found that, the crazier they looked, the easier it was to pick up women. They wore wild shirts, dyed their hair, and added piercings. Everyone noticed them. Women, far from being repulsed, were curious.

It takes a certain personality to pull off an outrageous outfit. For many people, that much attention wouldn’t feel good. You’d have to be comfortable with being stared at. You’d have to be okay with being asked why you’re wearing that crazy thing.

What a person wears is highly personal.

There’s a lot of information out there about personal style, picking the right silhouette for your body type, and so forth. For most people, the idea is to look the best you can with what you’ve got.

But there’s another school of thought that favors originality. Cutting-edge fashion is less about making the wearer attractive than it is about exploring lines, texture, contrast, and other design elements.

You don’t often see women dressed as if they’d stepped straight from the pages of Vogue in the aisles of your local grocery store, because this kind of fashion isn’t for everyday wear.

But imagine if you did see such a woman behind a grocery cart, perusing the apple display. Wouldn’t you be curious?

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It was just a comment.

All Amanda did was ask Ethan to pitch in to get chores done.

Okay, maybe she mentioned the fact that all he was doing was sitting on the sofa staring at his phone. But it was a light-hearted joke. She wasn’t being mean about it.

Ethan blew up. He stormed out and slammed the door behind him. What kind of grown man still slams doors?

Amanda was furious. And sick at the same time.

She was mad at Ethan for overreacting and terrified she’d done something horrible to end their relationship.

That’s when she reached out to me.

Spotting Triggers

Most of us come to relationships with baggage.

Not necessarily the kind of baggage that’s obvious, like a past marriage or financial problems, but rather invisible baggage.

We all have emotional wounds, sore spots, where we were teased as kids, shamed by partners, or punished by parents.

These are sensitive areas where we can’t tolerate even the most well-intentioned joke.

If you were teased about your weight as a kid, you may get defensive if someone makes a comment about your weight now—even if they’re just appreciating how fit you are.

If your parents shamed you for staring at the television for hours on end, you may get defensive about your right to relax with your favorite show—even though no one is suggesting you’re lazy.

Your brain can’t distinguish between the harmless comment you’re hearing in the present and the verbal attacks you remember from the past.

These emotional triggers can sabotage a relationship.

How Emotional Triggers Affect Your Relationship

When your partner is triggered, it’s like he changes into someone else.

He’s angry at you in a way you don’t recognize. It’s almost as if he’s not even seeing YOU; he’s seeing the person from the past who hurt him.

Your initial instinct is to defend yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong! You’ve made comments like this a thousand times before and he never got upset.

But defending yourself and shaming him for overreacting just sends him deeper into the shame spiral.

He’s already feeling attacked on an area he feels sensitive about. Now he feels that you’re trying to make HIM the guilty party, just because he stood up for himself. You’re dismissing his feelings on top of it.

You’re confused. You don’t understand what just happened. You’re both hurt and angry at each other.

There’s a better way.

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