3 Ingredients for a Spicy Relationship

how to keep your relationship passionateBad relationship advice is everywhere.

Not too long ago, I read an article[i] in a well-known women’s magazine that was full of shady suggestions. Here’s one of the worst.

The writer claimed you should never have to ask how to stoke the passion in your love life. “Really, really good relationships” are always spicy, she claimed. “If you’re not seeing fireworks every time he walks into the room, it might be time to move on.”

Um, no.

There’s only one time a lack of passion is a red flag—right at the beginning of a relationship. If there’s no spark while you’re getting to know him, maybe he’s not the guy for you.

But if you’ve been with someone a while, there are going to be lulls. It’s inevitable. A dip in passion doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

Keeping the passion alive takes work.

As you get comfortable in your relationship, it’s easy to slack off a bit. If that’s happened to you, here are three easy ways[ii] to put a little oomph back into the mix.

  1. Do something new together.

By that, I mean something new to both of you.

That could be ballroom dancing lessons, a cooking class, checking out a new outdoor activity like rock climbing, or even a weekend trip to somewhere unknown. The idea is to create a completely new shared experience.

Tackling an adventure together will almost always revive a sense of excitement.

  1. Dress for the relationship you want, not the relationship you have.

Being comfortable around your man is a good thing. It’s totally okay to break out your trusty, old, worn-out sweatpants. Sometimes.

But it’s important to remember how much effort you put into your appearance on the front end of the relationship, too.

Talk to long-time couples who are still smoldering, and you’ll typically find folks who still get dressed up for each other, still pay attention to the kind of shape they’re in, and still make an effort to be sexy when it’s time to get intimate.

If you want passion, dress for it. He’ll notice, and he’ll appreciate the effort.

  1. Don’t try to make every kiss mean something.

It’s great when a kiss leaves you feeling like you’ve connected to the other person’s soul, but let’s be realistic. Every kiss isn’t going to be that way. Stop trying to make that happen.

Instead, unleash your lust.

how to keep your relationship passionateWhatever level of intimacy your relationship is at, let go of the need for every physical expression to be deeply meaningful. Kiss him just to awaken the physical passion, even if it’s not always deeply rooted in a romantic moment.

Make out on the couch. Talk to him about the things you enjoy from him on a physical level.

Knock-your-socks-off intimacy is a combination of emotional connection and raw desire. Make sure you have both.

There are probably a gazillion other ways to keep the fires of passion burning. That said, these three are rock-solid.

So if you’re looking to reignite your relationship, pause and consider these.  Don’t just read and nod.  Take 30 seconds to ponder how you might put just one of these ideas into action within the next 7 days.

Always on your side,


[i] Tullo, Danielle. “13 Things Not to Say to Someone Who’s Always in a Relationship.” Cosmopolitan. N.p., 02 Oct. 2015. Web. 08 Mar. 2016. http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a47194/things-not-to-say-to-someone-always-in-relationships/.

[ii] Valentine, Susan. “12 Ways to Reignite the Passion in Your Relationship.” The Huffington Post. N.p., 22 Oct. 2013. Web. 08 Mar. 2016. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/susan-valentine/passionate-marriage_b_4138597.html

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3 thoughts on “3 Ingredients for a Spicy Relationship

  1. Celeste said:

    Dear James,
    I like this. In previous relationships, I think these tips would be wonderful. But I’m in a marriage where I’m smouldering a lot more than he. He’s very affectionate/cuddly, but I yearn for a more ‘smouldering’ dynamic. I was very excited about this post but didn’t find it helped at all- may I try here?

    In my case, it seems he doesn’t respond much to making out; he either isn’t interested or if he is, then things go immediately to sex. I am rather shy, so its hard to make an initiative, but I really try to keep attractive and dress well for him in ways I know he likes; which only on occasion seems to snap him out of his platonic affection-mode. But so many times of failed initiating has made me push away my feelings of desire for him, in order to not be hurt or embarrassed by a failed attempt to initiate (seriously, I HATE initiating as it is), or alternatively frustrated by his (apparent) lack of desire.

    It feels like the wrong thing to ‘put out’ my flame of desire for him in order to have a functional relationship. I’ve brought this up with him a number of times: he feels like everything is great and there is no problem. He jokes that my problem is that I just want sex all the time (which isn’t true). His attempts to ‘solve’ my problem are sweet, because he’s trying hard to care about me, but embarrassing for me because just ‘sex’ is not really what I want, knowing he’s doing it just for me makes me feel somehow cheap. What I WANT is to feel desired by my man! I want to foster a more smouldering relationship….. in my case, other than doing exciting things together (which, he’s REALLY nervous about doing), can you recommend anything else?
    With gratitude to you, James, you are wonderful. Keeping up with your articles and the questions/answers on this blog is such an inspiration for me,

    • Joy said:

      I can totally relate, we’ve been married for 30 years and truly love each other but where did the passion go? I still feel it but I don’t think he does. I still want to kiss and be held. I’m also shy and do not like to initiate, I didn’t use to have to but now I almost feel lonely sitting right next to my husband on the couch.
      Just to let you know, you’re not the only one out there longing for passion from your man.

  2. Nancy said:

    James, you make me laugh – out loud. “Don’t just read and nod.” 🙂 Other’n that, great advice. Couldn’t agree more. If #3 doesn’t naturally follow 1 & 2, I’d say the partners need to do some serious talking.

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