A Dating Lesson From Sir Lancelot: A Method For Winning Hearts

First Knight the Movie

It’s both a love story and an action movie.  Richard Gere’s portrayal of Lancelot was fantastic, and the pain you feel for King Arthur (played by Sean Connery)  is only matched by the longing to see Guinevere and Lancelot give in to the heart-pounding lust they feel for each other.

In the opening scene we discover Lancelot dueling commoners with his broadsword to make money.  After easily defeating each of the brave men that stepped forward, one man in particular wanted to know how he had managed a particular maneuver that disarmed him.

He was fascinated by the skill that had just rendered him defenseless.  He craved the knowledge that could give him equal power.

You may remember Lancelot’s reply.  It became a theme in the plot of the story, responsible for his rapid rise in King Arthur’s Court and the passionate relationship with Guinevere.

Lancelot showed the young man the technique, and explained that its successful execution required something special.  He said, “You must not care whether you live or die.”

This is how he approached his relationship with Guinevere.  He brought a level of passion and persistence that could not be ignored despite seemingly insurmountable challenges.  He poured his very being into his love for Guinevere, knowing full well that if his passion was denied his heart would break.  Those are high-stakes to be playing with.

Here’s the lesson.  When you allow yourself to truly desire a man, your fear will rise to match the level of desire you feel.  Think about that.  The more you want something, the more you become afraid of losing it.  It’s unfortunate but true that men can sense a woman’s fear, often mentally interpreting it as a clingy neediness or trap.

Men value freedom above all else.  It’s one of the things that make men act differently than women.  They like to feel in control of their world.  They don’t like to answer to anyone.

When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion.  While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies.  Do this and you will become intoxicating to him.

He will sense it when you achieve this.  No, that’s wrong.  Sensing something is like a tingling awareness.  His experience will be more like the first breath of oxygen after holding his breath underwater for two minutes.  It will be profoundly different from the smothering fear he has experienced as he contemplates dating other women. 

Men do not want to be trapped, but I’m sure you have known a man who repeatedly said they just weren’t ready for a commitment, only to get engaged two months after meeting someone that swept him off his feet.

How do you pull it off?  How do you create an experience for a man (and yourself for that matter) of life-affirming passion paired with the freedom of reckless abandon?

These are the secrets of Irresistible attraction.  Your instincts and intuition will teach you the way if you start today and strive each following day to bring these qualities to your interactions with men.  You can also speed your learning curve with some techniques that make the process easier in our training materials available here.

Rooting for your passionate embrace of all that life has to offer,

James Bauer


What Men Secretly Want

After consuming this short-guide, you will possess a secret that men cannot express well because it is so foundational to their view of the world that they don't even realize it is there.

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167 thoughts on “A Dating Lesson From Sir Lancelot: A Method For Winning Hearts

  1. Sheila said:

    I am very interested in how men react to different ways that women treat them. I find that the reckless abandon attitude works fairly well with most men, but not all.

    • EricA said:

      All I mostly want to learn is tips to hold ur man forever.

      • I don’t know that anyone can hold anybody forever. It’s a balance between safety, mystery, and excitement.

    • Dimakatso said:

      I’m really excited…I recently met a guy I knew that he felt something for me as he gazed at me while he thought I wasn’t looking it was really deep I felt it the issue is that he hasn’t said the three words to me yet but he did mention that he never thought that he would consider or look into committing and said that looking at me it seems like I’m a keeper and he asked me if I was ready?…I replied by saying that its not about being ready it’s about finding the right person. But he hasn’t said that he loves me or could it be that he’s afraid or just waiting for me to say it first?

      • Tk said:

        Hi James

        Your lessons are bearing fruits already, my interaction with men has improved and I read all your emails. That helps me understand how I have sabotaged my own efforts.

        Regards

    • What’s it take to become a sublime exduenpor of prose like yourself?

    • linda said:

      dear James,
      m really going thru the rough patch.m in relation wid dos guy for 5 years now.his behavior has changed drastically this past year.we hav decided to part ways many a tyms bt I bcom weak n end up calin him.wen I do so its back to normal for few days n again d problem starts.he does evrythin I ask him to do but doesn’t initiate.before a week he told me that m makin him weak n he wants out.not only dis he said he can’t ignore me n still deres Sth dats stopin him to leav me…so I told him dat I can remain frens wid him coz I wasn’t ready to leav him..n finally afta 2 days I texted him dat today was d last day dat I’ll b calin him n dat I’ll mov on.bt suddenly he calls n says pick up d cal or I’ll leav Foreva so I tak to him again ..bt now he doesn’t cm to want to meet me but he cals me almost evryday.plz suggest me wat sud I do

  2. Sandra said:

    Really look forward to read your emails.

    • Sandra said:

      I look forward to your emails and interesting topics on how to find the right guy.

  3. Tahhia said:

    How true! But how cruel to pursue until he has won her love, only to discard it because he fears the same love he so desired, might now smother him. To be abandoned because she betrays she is afraid of losing him is a devastating blow. Especially when she only showed her deep love when he’d tried to find out how much she did care a short while ago. I cannot pretend I don’t care and that my heart does not ache. I would have come to terms with the loss better if he’d been kinder in the way he left. I trust it will get easier with each day. On a more positive note, I intend to give myself space to recover and pick up the reins again and nurture me. He has a long time to think over what he so arrogantly let go.

    I wonder, do men hurt like women do? Or do they hide it better?

    • James Bauer said:

      Tahhia, I believe it is both. They are socialized to hide hurt and vulnerable type emotions from an early age and they tend to compartmentalize relationships more than women do, which reduces some of the pain of loss when things do not go well.

      • Angel said:

        Socialized or conditioned to ignore vulnerable emotions thus overtime certain emotions become permanently numbed hence able to “move on” much more easily than women.Some view this as cold blooded or heartless… personally my heart aches for the males that have been conditioned this way.

        • Approaching with desire coupled with fearless passion and throwing caution to the wind instead of reckless abandonment incorporating “caring” whether or not the relationship lives or dies would be validating emotions and showing respect for the tender feelings in him that we’re conditioned to be numbed / ignored from a young age. Respect is a must so he doesn’t feel demasculated. and nurturing should be included in here somewhere but I’m not sure where. These are just my opinions. I hope I’m on the right track !

    • estelle said:

      trust me they hide it better

  4. M said:

    ” While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies. ”

    o.O

    I’m glad you’re not an investment counselor. That’s the worst strategy in the world for a decent ROI.

    • James Bauer said:

      It certainly is not a method for the timid of heart. Fortunately though, love is generated as we spend it, unlike cash reserves for investments.

    • L Cruz said:

      Not to mention that most investors aren’t worried abt ROIs wen part of investment is risk. They are more concerned with making GOOD investments that they KNOW will be beneficial. Hence, the way love is set up is similar. Youve got to love as deeply as you’re willing to be hurt. If you’re always scared, you won’t give much love out of fear. And most women are programmed to not invest their all. You get what you put in though, and scared money don’t make no money. Follow me? Just like fear can push love away. You have to open your heart to the deepest love and thus, risk the deepest pain. No guarantees in love or money investments. I speak beautifully James, but I am one who still suffers bc like most women, I still possess that fear which is why I can speak so vividly abt the adverse effects it has on my love life.

  5. Tahhia said:

    just read your second “lesson”! I was pursuing my own happiness prior to his attention. After a spell of 23 years in an unhappy marriage and finally freedom. One of the primary reasons for staying was because of our daughter’s ill health. I was so, so inexperienced. Didn’t handle things well. Still, I seem to be back on the right track, so far. Spring has finally “sprung” in this neck of the woods and I shall get my little container garden in order! Here’s hoping we all enjoy a decent summer (with not too much rain) and, as one nun once informed me: “God gives you enought strength for only one day at a time”!!! Thanks, James

  6. Aletha said:

    WOW…! What can I say, but Thank You!!! So Very Much!

  7. mandi said:

    Thank u James,ur first piece of advice I’ve been practising 4 so long I think I’m a master at it! Hahahaha. My gran use 2 say no man’s a dog,so don’t keep him on a lease. I’m anxious 2 read all of the remaining 13 tips. Just 4 once I would love 2 find love. And not just b in love with the idea of love. ;-). If this works I’ll make u best man @ my wedding! :-). Xx

    • YES! That’s EXACTLY IT Mandy!!! Being in love with the idea of “being in Love” is soooo what I and many others have been chasing for way too long!!!
      Thank God we have found a REAL PLACE for the REAL ANSWERS!!!
      Thanks for posting this Mandy…
      And thank God for people like James and his team!!!
      To REAL LOVE for ALL of us!!! 😉

  8. Silvie said:

    Hi James,

    Sounds interesting so far and keen to know more.

    thanks 🙂

  9. Sondra said:

    I just recently suggested to a guy I had very deep feelings for (we had been seeing each other for about 6 months – long-distance) that we take a break. The reasons were that I felt that he was not respectful to me when we were out. I’m not sorry I made that choice, but I’m sure to him it came across as clingy.

    • SummerStorms said:

      I’m glad you did. The very fact that you stood up for yourself is good. Otherwise, down the track he’d still be acting that way and you’d still be unhappy – just in a more trapped way which doesn’t always foster feelings of *self* respect and that comes across to others! Whether you said it to your guy in the right way as per James Bauer, or other online ‘catch and keep your guy’ programs – not sure. But you respected yourself.

  10. Doreen said:

    I broke up my own engagement and he won’t speak to me..what is your advise.Dee

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Dee. He probably feels very hurt right now and he is also likely angry at you for shattering a feeling of being wanted and loved. The best thing you can do is to help him to differentiate between the engagement and your love for him. He may believe you would not break off the engagement unless you no longer loved him. If that’s not the case, find a way to communicate that to him.

  11. shalon said:

    I’ve always known this but now I have a celebrity man interested in me and me him I’m beside myself!

  12. Vicky said:

    But the fearless passion approach was used by Lancelot towards Guinevere, not the other way round!
    So what does it say about differences between men and women? I’m confused.

    • James Bauer said:

      That’s a great question, Vicky. I’m surprised no one else pointed out this point of confusion before you did! Here’s the answer.

      The illustration of pursuing life without fear was something we learned from the fictional Lancelot character, and it applies to all of us, regardless of gender. Then there’s the second issues, which is a difference between men and women. That second issue is that men have an irrational fear that committing to a relationship means giving up freedom or giving up their dreams for adventure.

      But you can soothe that fear by approaching a man in a way that causes him to feel that you hold his heart with an open palm. He must stay because he is drawn to you (because of your irresistible qualities) rather than because of a tight grip that may cause him to pull his heart away from you in renewed search for a sense of freedom.

      • Anna said:

        True James. When I was dating my future husband, he started to freak out in the second month because we were quickly getting very serious. We were spending all our free time together. I was totally in love with him and he with me. Then he called me at work one day and told me he was calling it quits. I told him he was a coward breaking up over the phone and told him that if he was half the good and respectful man I thought he was, he would come to my house and tell me in person that he was breaking up with me. I knew that he loved me but I could see that he was feeling trapped. He cried like a baby at my house while trying to make me understand he wanted out. My response to him was to proposed that we give our relationship a 3-month break. During this break we could still see each other but we free to date other people too. Pay attention ladies!! This last sentence is exactly what needed to be said for two reasons. First reason: I was letting him go thereby relieving him of his feeling trapped. Second and most important reason: Yes!!! He is now no longer trapped, he is free as the wind … but so are you. If he really wants a relationship with you, the realization that you are also free as the wind to date anyone else but him will eat him alive more than anything. As predicted, during our “break” my man and I spent every free moment of our time together but he no longer felt trapped. 20 years later, we are still together.

      • Sheri said:

        I wanna know what the 12 words are that can be said to a man to make him see me differently

        • James Bauer said:

          Hey Sheri. That will depend on your unique relationship circumstances. But you can learn the principle that worked for Rachel in the relationship course titled His Secret Obsession available on our catalog page.

          • Sheri said:

            I dont want to have to buy a program if I cant test it out first. In the video, u said it was 12 words that will bring out his hero instinct. So what are they?

  13. Malissa said:

    I liked this first article, but I’m a little out of sorts right now.
    I just ended a relationship which I believe was emotionally abusive, but I’m still wondering if it was really just me and at the stage where I want him back in my life. Post relationship he has admitted his faults and explained to me finally why he always reacted the way he did, his vulnerabilities and finally let me in on how he feels. Now I know how to deal with it or where it is coming from, I want him back…should I pursue him again or should I just let him go? And how do I get him back now that we are finally over?

    • James Bauer said:

      Wow, that is a big decision. Try thinking about it this way. If you were truly starting over with this man, meaning you had never been in a relationship with him before (but you still had the insights and knowledge about him you now have) would you want to pursue a relationship with him above all others? This way of asking the question clears your mind of the feeling that you are somehow rescuing something valuable that you almost lost. If he is the best person you know (for you) then go for it. If you realize he has unusual flaws that would prevent you from seeing him as a great partner, don’t let your history with him draw you back. Invest elsewhere.

      • Thanks, Andrea… I think I just have discovered that my loved mom (no sarcasm) have been abusing me emotionally… That explains (at last!) why is so difficult to me to have a relationship with her (we live together) and why my love-relationships suffer from emotional abuse (from my or my partner)… so THANK YOU!

  14. Py said:

    I tried to get the movie so I could watch but was unable as of yet. Right now I’m in a long distance relationship and feel that I am doing and saying things that push him away. When I look back at his actions when we 1st met I know he loves me. But now he doesn’t talk to me much. I know there is something wrong but I honestly don’t know what I’m doing to push him away. He has said things to me like “why are you playing games” or “you don’t listen” or “be yourself” we connected so well at 1st now it seems like ??? I’m just frustrated because I want to be with him and nothing is going right.

    • James Bauer said:

      Good question and way to go at being honest and open with your question. I admire you for going for what you want in this relationship. Here’s my suggestion. It seems, vague, but please ponder what it means rather than dismissing it. You need to ask him for specifics. He is obviously trying to make it work by giving you feedback about what makes him feel distanced from you, but he is being too vague by saying thigns like “be yourself.” Tell him you want to let him in, and you need one or two specific examples of things you did or said that caused him to feel that you were wearing a mask or something.

  15. I think it’s confusing to use courtly love from the 11th century – where the desire was poetic in wanting a lady of high yet unattainable status. The concept of we want what we can’t have is all the same or we want what we think we want.

    I tricked myself into thinking I wanted a man last year who was in fact not a good match for me. There’s another I think there is potential for. The reality is he’s got issues with thinking love is when someone sacrifices there own well being for him. I think in his very core he maybe close to understanding that’s not love. Hope springs eternal.

    His mo is to burn through relationships about once a year. We have been dating others while I wait and see for 14 mo. I may be a record so called relationship for this guy.
    I’m not hating on serial monogamy. Not my idea of a good time. I hate the idea of being trapped like a rat too. Truth is doesn’t matter how infatuated I am with him, at least at this point he’s not what I’m looking for.

    I’m grateful every time I step back and say what I want is relationships where there is growth, not co-dependency issues. I have nothing to fear because I have everything to gain from desire.

    We all want and are searching for acceptance.

    Peace Z*

    • This guy I have been dating on and off. Based on what I know if he gets a GF
      in 2 mo I give a year maybe less. I know at this point in the game I can’t lose myself to him or I give it 6 mo to a year. Believe it or not every way I look at it I win.

    • Lena said:

      I agree, with you statement 100% “We all want and are searching for acceptance”.
      And I know, if we lost someone or relationship with the man and still trying to analyze what was wrong there and regret it did not work out, to me it means there was a space in relationship that I missed to full out with my good feelings and my love and efforts.

      it feels like I did not invest enough good of myself into this person or relationship, like I was not 100% kind and loveable and giving to him, and that is why it is over now.

      But at the same time any relationship is two way traffic, isn’t it? If I missed something or was wrong, would it be fair for my man to step forward and give more love at that time? Or he could just wait till we both are able work out on his issue or problem?

      We can’t blame just us (me) being not perfect and miss something important in relationship. We (me & him) need to be able to work as a team and help to keep it going, or at least try it.
      There is always space to grow mutually and emotionally in relationship with the man, and it is job for both people, not just female’s responsibility or male’s job to fix it.

      To make it short, man and woman work together on their relationship and trying to overcome the problems that come up.
      If one of them is very passive and not trying well enough to keep it a life, the relationship dies sooner or later, I think.

  16. NK said:

    Hi James! I read d attraction tip of Day 1,its totally cool ,expecting to read the rest.I used to be choosy when it comes to dating,as in I go after d guy I want cos I’m loving and caring and I don’t kw hw to cheat on a guy and it doesn’t later end well ,after listening(watching) d Respect principle video and also reading d attraction tips of day 1 ,I’ve decided to give it a try on a guy who’s asking me to date him. *feeling so excited*

    • James Bauer said:

      Glad you are feeling empowered!

  17. NK said:

    Expecting to read the remaining attraction tips.

  18. Eva Persad said:

    very enlighten, i would like to know more. thanks

  19. Pamela said:

    I am so glad that I read this lesson 1 and I do hope that you are right….I DO want to become that intoxicating woman that my ex boyfriend can’t resist ….whether we get back together or not….it would give my self esteem a lift.

    • James Bauer said:

      I like your positive perspective!

  20. Marinda713 said:

    Hi James,

    I was reading all of this and it is very helpful. My situation is that I have guy friend who was very interested in me. However, he was involved with someone that I knew. The woman told me that they were a couple and he told me they were only friends.

    There was an attraction between us and a great friendship. I told him that and I would like to be his friend because I was not willing to date him while he was dating someone else that I could possibly have contact with. He became very angry for a little while. He then tried to do things to show me that he was willing to put distance between him and the other woman. However, I told him I wanted his friendship now and might be open to seeing what could/would happen. I explained that now I think we should just let the development of our friendship take a natural course. He was okay with that. Or at least that’s what he said.

    So he constantly invites me functions that we have a common interest in. I will go to the functions where we are in a public setting an I have maintained the parameters of a platonic friendship. He does throw out very subtle hints. Like commenting on how I have a certain effect on men and they do things to get closer to me. But then he puts a negative spin on it and says I should be ashame at what I’m doing to men. Or if another guy says I have a beautiful smile he will add in oh she take pride in that smile.

    My guy friend is lots of fun for the most part. But twice he mentioned that he has a date. Or even recently, out of the blue at one of the functions, a woman walked up behind this other guy and began tickling this other guy. It was very cute so we all laughed. My guy friend walks over to me and says I better never do that. I asked what do you mean go and tickle that guy? My guy friend said, “No, don’t do that to me…how about you just don’t touch me.” I was so hurt. I just looked at him.

    I have now distanced myself from him and have lessen my communication to only responding to a few of his texts and will not answer his phone call but will respond later through text message. I still see him at the functions. He is very nice and sweet. Will sit at my table next to me, get my chair and walk me to my car.

    I was thinking this guy hates me to be so hurtful. He has only done something hurtful like this 3 times over a course of a year. So I’m not certain what is going on here.

    So I am not sure that the girl with standards will be the girl respected even in a platonic friendship.

    • James Bauer said:

      Some interesting things going on between the two of you.

      It seems to me the nature of the hurtful things you described are very likely miscommunications or things he would describe very differently. I suggest you ask him if he was feeling angry at you that night. When he asks why, explain that you felt he was trying to push you away with that comment about not ever touching him. See what comes up in that discussion. It may surprise you.

      • crystal said:

        The guy was probably being playful and trying to lead you to follow the playfulness…. “don’t ever do that, don’t ever touch me” probably meant, ” I wish you would do that, i wish you were more playfully touchable.”…. your “reaction” to his “game”… just let you both know “you were not in tune with each other”

        • Lorna (LaLa) said:

          I agree on this one, James, Crystal and Marinda. It looks to me as though you are both playing silly games, missing the mark, and not getting anywhere, without realizing it. I think he is very keen on you – jealous, and afraid to open himself up in case you hurt him, or worse still, back off – which is exactly what you have done!! Telling you he has a date is a way of making you jealous, testing your reaction – and also proves he is NOT in a relationship with this other woman, or any other. Why don’t you take a long, hard look at your reactions – be honest with yourself and try to see what emotions are controlling your actions, Marinda? It is not easy to be honest with yourself – it has taken me a long time to try to sort things out in my head – with the help of James’ articles. Your man is probably doing the same – wondering what is going on. We think differently to men, so that does not help the situation. Remember – YOU set the parameters for a platonic relationship at first – so he is now waiting for a signal from you to take it further. Now by you backing off, he thinks there is no hope. I’m sure James would say to you that the only way forward is to “bite the bullet” – “take the bull by the horns” and TALK to him about what is going on. You started off on the wrong foot by YOU being jealous, thinkng he was already in a relationship with this other woman, even though he said they are “just friends”. Seems to me that the woman may have been lying – or hoping that there was more in it than there is. (I had exactly the same thing happen, and I didn’t believe him – which pi–ed him off!!). You MUST know that women can be very manipulative when they want a man – let’s face it, it is really all we have, when we have to sit and wait for THEM to make up their minds – we could wait forever, as indeed you have been (and me too, for that matter). You say he is very nice and sweet – and does nice things for you, rings you up and texts you – throws out subtle hints. FOR GOODNESS SAKE – WAKE UP AND SEE THAT HE IS A GOOD ONE, before he gets snapped up by someone else – he won’t wait around forever. He is probably very sensitive and shy, and he certainly sounds very caring and loving. Men are big babies at heart, you know – and just don’t want to put themselves in a position to be hurt and rejected. Answer his phone calls and texts. And try to find a good time, in a quiet place, to sit down with him and be OPEN AND HONEST about your feelings. What have you got to lose here? Maybe you’ll feel a bit silly and embarrassed if it does not work – but you have SO MUCH to gain if it does work out. A married man friend said to me recently that it is the woman who is in control, and another man friend said something similar a while ago – they have to wait to get the right signals from the female – just like animals do – we are not so different. NOW, do as James suggests – open up the communication. But DO try to see that YOU are being too sensitive and jealous, too. Try to control that part of your nature. I am exactly the same, so I DO understand – but taking offence when none is intended is NOT the way forward. Work on that, and you may find you end up with a beautiful relationship. I hope so. Take heart. Best of Luck. Lorna

  21. Leanne said:

    if you are not with your ex how do you let them know that it is over and you are moving on ( as in this lesson), I am very interested in useing this on my ex

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Leanne. Do you mean you want to get back together with your ex? Do you mean you want to show him you are living passionately and not waiting around…in hopes that he will be attracted to that? I wasn’t sure what you meant.

      James

  22. Beth said:

    I have met a guy at work who I find very attractive and kind. I have been told he has given up women by co-workers. He has also mentioned it. He hasn’t dated in a few years. He said his last girlfriend always had to be right, so he started telling her she was then she wanted to argue.
    I am getting mixed signals from him. He stares. He smiles. He winked at me. Body language is right. But then, he ignores me. Keeps things on a working relationship. Very mixed signals. I’m a very happy person. Haven’t dated in over 5 yrs by choice. And a little shy. But his presence has seemed to flip a switch and I feel awake for the first time in my life. (I was married 4 21 yrs) is he serious about swearing off women? Should I leave him be or what?

    • James Bauer said:

      It’s foolish to “give up on women” just because one woman had a negative interpersonal style. He wouldn’t be staring at you in that way if he had lost all desire and attraction. Acknowledge his current pessimism and caution while at the same time inviting him to spend time with you as a fellow human being. I bet you will get a better sense for which direction to go with this after spending some time in that context. Only do this is you actually are ok with the possibility of just becoming friends (rather than lovers).

      James

  23. Leanne said:

    I ment we broke up ! its been a few days over two months ! I have used the part about , no contact and I wanted answers for myself so I went looking and looking and looking I have found loads and still need loads more . He has movied out and we have not talked ….but are close friends on facebook and he just blocked me, not befriended me and a few days ago he up blocked me , what dose this mean? if anything and now what ??? was thinking of writing him a letter on facebook just to him of course that i think its a good idea he had that we have not gotten back together etc ( a very short note) what should I do ? something just by still doing nothing or forget about it ??? HELP i GET SO CLOSE TO ANSWERS BUT STILL KEEP COMING UP SHORT , I am confused and very frustrated sorry! Please help ME!!!!!!!!!!……………

    • James Bauer said:

      I see. So you do want to get back together with him. Well, at this point your best ally will be time. You will need to practice patience for at least four weeks without trying to get in contact with him in any way. You have to make sure he doesn’t feel you chasing him, so to speak, or else it will trigger more of the blocking sort of reactions. You want him to feel your absence enough to at least get curious about how you are doing. When he reaches out to you, be calm and sweet, but let him show the first signs of interest in getting back together. Right now, though…just patience. And while you wait, meet some other guys. I know you don’t feel like it, but it will help your heart to let go of him and you just might be surprised by a positive relationship with someone new.

  24. Tami Gosen said:

    Hi, I have been married for 10 years next month, it used to be great bit the last 2 – 3 years have been very rocky, he has just moved back home after a month split, but he is very distant and we have been fighting allot, the last week he has slept on the couch, he says I don’t respect him and I know I say allot of hurtful things, because he has done allot of hurtful things, how do I make him know that I do respect him, what do I say to show him I do respect him just not some of his decisions, any help would be appreciated, I’d love to be sleeping together again by our 10th anniversary in April! Please help thank you!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Tami. That’s the subject of a course I make available at the end of the “free video” you can click on at the top left of the this web page.

      James

  25. becky said:

    Dear James,

    Ive been in an off n on relationship with my best friend for 6 years… recently in a fully committed relationship for over a year.. n last week caught him cheating n things have escalated from there… he has done irreconcilable damage but i cant help but feel these things arent him.. the decisions hes made were based on outside influences n fear not to metion untreated ptsd… im torn because i know the real him is there n that man is who im meant to spend my life with.. how do i let go of that as he has considering he already has the new girlfriend basically living with him in our home? Ive had so many failed relationships n i really never in a million yeara thought this one would end… im in desperate need of advice.. as my 5 children hang in the balance… my oldest being disabled…. how do i put away all the love i know i have to give n not hope for a deep rooted love anymore?

    • James Bauer said:

      Oh Becky, that saddens my heart. I sometimes wish one person could create love on their own so we would not have to rely on a partner to make equally beautiful choices. Unfortunately, that would take away the true essence of what a relationship really is.

      I cannot advise you on the best steps to take in this situation because the stakes are so high and I have too little information to go off of. However, if you want to salvage the relationship you have with this man, it will require that you pull away and make clear to him that only his choices can salvage the relationship at this point.

      • crystal said:

        How can he have a girlfriend living in your home? who owns the home?… if it’s his home you, should not put any money into it, and if its your home kick his butt out…. lots of men hang on to women with children for the home and the food… moms always have a place to call home for their kids… you did not mention if the kids were his.. or is it several fathers, with 5 kids and one disabled you sure to get child support or disability… and this man sure to be getting a free ride off your hospitality… unless he is paying the bills… who is paying the bills in a live in relationship or friendship will tell a lot about if it is LOVE or if it is using someone.

  26. Lisa said:

    Dear James,
    Thank you so much for these pearls. I wonder with an aching and worried heart if there is any way to reverse damage already done. I am in the position that my man just recently informed me he’d been having doubts for awhile. I’d noticed his distance but I attributed it to stress from work and school and gave him his space. Then to find out he’s been stressed about us and said he’d lost that feeling. That he’s been tortured by it going back and forth in his mind with it. Anyway, I didn’t handle it well. I’m so unhappy that I didn’t purchase your program before all this happened…I got classically clingy and a little crazy when I found out he’d lied about having a lunch with a new “friend” from work. I’m miserable about it and wonder if there’s any way to come back from this? He still speaks to me but I know he’s now Leary of me…ugh. I’m sick over it.

    • James Bauer said:

      Depending on the maturity of your man, this may simply be an issue of him failing to understand that the infatuated feeling wears off after a while. It’s then a process of learning to love another person in a way that is sustainable and causes many more of those infatuated feelings to come in waves over the years.

      However, if he knows better than to talk about having “lost the feeling” in that way, then his doubts are not necessarily a bad thing. His doubts mean he is taking the relationship seriously and considering whether it is something he really wants to commit to. You should be supportive of him and give him the sense that there is no deadline for him to make a decision about that. That prevents you from accidentally causing him to become polarized where he feels he needs to defend against you putting on pressure to choose you.

      When you keep loving him, using the methods I described for living fully in the present moment in the context of your relationship (in my training material) you have the best chance of ultimately winning his heart. However, in the meantime, spend less time thinking about him and more time focused on enriching your life and living your life to the fullest.This has two benefits. It will simultaneously lower your anxiety while making you more attractive to him.

      • Lisa said:

        Thank you thank you thank you. He is younger than I but mature and he was taking the relationship very seriously. Through all of his soul searching he’s expressed that he doesn’t see the relationship going further and has interest in someone else. Yes it hurts but it may be something I’ll have to accept. I will however follow your advice because I do love him and if there’s a chance I can win him over, I’ll do everything in my power to do so even if that means to sit tight and do nothing for the time being. Patience is very difficult for me but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I put in a solid effort. I never want to regret or wonder what if. Thank you again so much for your words!

  27. alma said:

    hi james,

    my partner of 8 years is cheating on me. its been going on for about 6 months now, he’s always telling me he will end but he never does. and lately he’s moved in to the other woman’s house although he would still go home once a week or once in 2 weeks. i keep asking him if he is already serious with her but he keeps saying its just nothing and he will eventually end it, although he cant tell me when. i really feel he has already abandoned me, we no longer talk, or go out, or even have sex. he rarely calls or sends me a text message. there would be times he will be sweet one moment then cold the next, he will say he loves me, but when i send him a text message he doesnt respond, or he will tell me he misses me, but doesnt go home for a week or two. im so confused. pls help me. i dont want to lose him altogether but i cant seem to make him leave the other woman. the harder i try to ask him to stop, the angrier he gets and becomes more distant.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Alma. The typical advice in a situation like this would be, “As long as you allow him to continue this behavior he has no motivation to change.” The problem with that perspective is that if he does not have his own internal motivation to make you happy, you are with the wrong guy to begin with…so there’s no sense trying “motivate” him to leave the other woman. You are dating the guy you wish he was. Stop dating the imaginary guy you wish he was. He is not worth your time. Now begins the process of getting your heart to realize he is standing in the way of a man who would like to love you and make you happy.

      James

  28. Esmeralda said:

    I understand we should love without fear, the thing is my man and I got into a HUGE argument a couple of days ago, and he had the “conclusion” that he couldn’t live with me anymore because of my actions and that he was moving out. I saw our whole relationship flash before my eyes, and just like that it was about to be over. I spoke to him from my heart and told him that if he wanted to go I couldn’t stop him. I also asked him if he loved me and he said yes, my response to that was “so your willing to leave something you love, just because you didn’t want to work it out? his reaction told me he was thinking twice about leaving.

    Later on he told me he had changed his mind. Now after a couple of days, I feel somewhat awkward about our relationship and I cant seem to shake the feeling that maybe he IS unhappy and is only staying because he doesn’t want to be labeled as a quitter. I’ve read your eBooks and listened to your audio, but I am not sure how to tell if it is working out or not. I feel so helpless and I’m also blaming myself for being so immature and letting that argument happen.

    • James Bauer said:

      You are on the right track now. The key is to use the methods you learned in the course to “show” deep respect rather than telling him you want things to get better. Time and distance from the argument will also help. Don’t focus on fixing right now. Focus on thriving by applying what you have learned. (You are brave. Keep moving forward. Focus your vision on where you want to go…not down where you could fall).

      James

  29. DIANA said:

    Hi James my name is Diana I have been a member for some time and have been in this relationship most of that time but I have no finances to increase my knowledge as I am disabled from working and am getting no income but I am trying….too hard maybe….to figure out how to get past painful parts of this relationship and move forward positively and show this man that I love so very much that he is loved and respected and is so very important to me without making him feel smothered. We’ve been together almost three years and have a baby son together and I have a ten yr old daughter too and we have had somewhat of a roller coaster at times but I know its meant to be but we’ve reached the old hat stage so to speak and I feel like comfortable is how he describes his time with me more than happy and I want to give that spark back to him but he seems to think that everything I say lately is nagging rather than talking I am always very direct and honest because I want him to understand and not be confused like I get but that seems to make it worse and it feels as if he thinks of himself only now when he used to tell me constantly that he was put here to make me happy and now its more like he couldn’t care less about my happiness or my interests and im certain that he feels the need to run because I have become needy and I do actually need him as my health is poor now after delivering our son my heart is failing and I do need him but it used to interest him to be my hero and now he wants to run rather than help and I have no idea what to do because the harder I try the worse it gets. PLEASE GIVE ME ANYTHING YOU THINK COULD HELP ME PUT HIS ENTHUSIASM BACK IN OUR LIFE AND PUT HIS SMILE BACK ON HIS FACE

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Diana. I don’t think I can provide you a very useful response in a blog comment, but I would like to just say one thing.

      You are basically asking how you can change his motivation. In order to change someone’s motivation, you first must understand the source of their motivation. You need to understand it deeply. Only then do you have a chance at interacting with him in ways that might shift his motivation back toward the process of building the kind of beautiful companionship the two of you have shared in the past.

      To get a deep understanding of his motivation, start with conversations that are geared toward getting him to talk about what he really wants. Ask him what makes him happy, what he wants to do more of with his time, and what he finds himself dreaming about for the future. Approach these conversations with no agenda at first. Just learn. You’ll be surprised how much you will discover that will give you ideas for improving things.

  30. Kim said:

    James

    For just under 6 months I have been dating 55yo widower of 2.5 years with 15yo daughter.I am 51 kids raised and work pt from home…I have a lot more freedom. He is very busy with his career as it is demanding, we are an hour apart. He dated others for about 1-1.5 years but I am the first to meet his daughter and few friends.

    He pursued me and went exclusive beginning of May. May was awesome met daughter then friends, explained to daughter we are a couple, and I would be there sometimes etc. ll good. Had bbq and birthday party I went to at friends of his, all went well.

    He has many times he has soccer tournaments, golf work weekends away etc. We see each other approx 1x week. When we went exclusive i told him i was concerned if he had time to take relationship to next level. He said yes that if we integrate our lives with the other people, friends and family, that would allow it. I respect him immensely for the way he handles his life, and trust him impeccably and I don’t have that intuition often.

    June has been rough. He has had several weekends away and twice I have told him that it is hard not to see him for long periods at a time as I enjoy our time together. We saw each other 3x in June. He seems distant last few weeks. We never have talked on phone often.

    He has lead this relationship, and been very emotionally vulnerable sharing very intimate fears and says he loves our time together. His late wife’s birthday was in June, their wedding anniversary and a friend in Canada lost his wife to cancer (he lost his to ovarian cancer) which he went to the funeral.

    I have pulled back letting him contact me but it hasnt felt the same. What do I do? I really care for this man and he seems to have done and shown me until recently that he does too. Now what?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Kim. This situation just needs time. If you keep reading my emails, you will eventually see my explanation about the way men pull away when a “mission” they are on pulls their attention from a primary relationship.

      Being busier at work during June, needing to process feelings about his wife, and reopened emotional pain triggered by vicarious reexperiencing through his friends loss are all factors contributing to his need for time and space.

      I believe you are already doing the right thing. Shift your focus to other things in life so you don’t put yourself in a psychological position of just waiting. Refocus on living life to the fullest in the ways that do not require his companionship. He will return to you with increased energy, time, and joy at finding you still by his side.

      • Kim said:

        I thought it was possibly because I told him it was really hard when I dont get to see him as I enjoy spending time with him. At 51 I still dont understand men, although I have read in multiple books, online blogs, etc that they pull back like a rubber band and often it is after a period of closeness.

        Men and women are so opposite…..we want more when we feel that way and just at that moment they go running to their “mission”. Sigh…it is hurtful but I am leaning way back here as it doesnt feel good. I am hurt and wont let him know that now, but when and if he returns I think we need to lay out some expectations if things are to continue. It is hard to be totally open and vulnerable, and hear all these wonderful things only to have them pull away. It is confusing.

        Thanks for your response James. My man’s name is James as well….it really does get hard to trust someone with your heart at this age.

        • James Bauer said:

          I understand. Wishing you well.

          • Kim said:

            So I was concerned as I hadn’t heard from him. I decided to check on him Fri as it had been 6 days. I called and he told me he had one of the mosts difficult weeks in a very long time.

            He was going home on Mon morning from daughters soccer tournamnet all weekend and something fell off a truck and hit under his car:11k in damage. Then his 15yo daughters boyfriend had bad argument with his dad so he talked with daughter and bf about it. His daughter wanted to go to party on 4th and there wasnt adult supervision so they had a confrontation about it and talked through it, but it was the first time in a long time they experienced that. His work was intense, his boss is a narcissistic difficult man and has been for years….then he said it was his late wifes’ wedding anniversary on 29th and to top it off he forgot (sounded like he felt guilty for that).

            He said he needed time to figure things out as to where things head in his life, as he doesn’t feel happy at this very moment. He said he was sorry for not being in touch all week, and that this has nothing to do with me at all. He reiterated this twice in our call.

            I told him I was sorry he was having a tough week and asked if I could do anything for him. He said he just needed some time to work through things so he could be happy with things again. He said normally he can stay positive but everything hit this week all at once. He mentioned maybe we can get together tomorrow or Sun, but I haven’t heard from him. I didnt really think I would as he sounded pretty worn out and I felt bad for him.

            Glad I called just to see how he was. I didn’t ask for anything and now I will let him have his space. I did text him yesterday morning as he was going to golf he said, a “golf tip”..inside joke and he responded back, “That is too funny. I am going to use that today!”. Now I will let him be to work through things, although it is hard. Haven’t seen him in two weeks today…sigh.

  31. Paolin said:

    I met Ron for dinner 7 weeks ago. We had a nice time and for the next two days he asked me for a walk and then a meet at the dog park. He couldn’t get enough of my attention. We set a date for Friday but his personal business (landscaping, contracting) kept him late and he asked for a date on Saturday instead. Then no word all day. I called about 9 pm and he did not answer. I figured well, he worked late or he had a date already and forgot. I just wish he would have said something. Next day I get this beautiful text as if nothing happened. I am now on reserve with him and push away. We texted back and forth a few weeks but I kept my reserve up and about 3 weeks later he asked me to go out with him on a short date as he had work he needed to do in his business but he really wanted to see me. This went well lasted a couple of hours and then we went on our way for the rest of the day. That night he texted that he really wanted to see me again and we got together at my house for a movie and he left. He was extremely attentive for the next couple of days, we had another date where he brought me a gift, and then I invited him out the to the drive in theater where we had a wonderful time. However, on the way to the theater he looked over at me and said “you are such a patient women for dealing with a man with baggage” I thought to myself “what baggage” he had never told me anything about baggage so I just said to him that I felt we were on the right path and if he needed to talk then he is more than welcome to just talk and I will listen (I’m a great listener he tells me). His ex girlfriend was text bashing him all day and he was down about it. I said well just block her and this is when the baggage arrived..she is his landlord. She is making threats, ect. she is using her psychology degree to make him miserable with long texts and emails that are painful to him. She is using his grandson (in no way related to her) as a pawn in all of this and she insists that he come to her 4th of July party because it would be good for his grandson to be there. He talked about how it would be confusing for all and he just was not going to go. We made tentative plans to be together for the holiday but nothing solid. We had a wonderful date at the drive in and stayed together until the next day. He continued to be attentive the next few days and then I had a meeting (my husband passed 9 months ago) that brought me down so when Ron asked me how my day was going I just called him and told him I was a little down, asked him about plans for the holiday and he mumbled something about his grandson and taking him to his grandma… I said that’s okay I just needed to know as I make arrangements for my child if we were going to get together and do something. We talked pleasantries and then said good night. I get a text a few minutes later “sweet dreams. I’m sorry your were down today. I know I am partly due to that I’m sure. I’m sorry” I asked him why he thought that and he replied “Not sure…perhaps me not talking with you enough or saying the right things. If not I’m glad. I’m even more sorry about your loss. Your a wonderful woman.” I replied Thank you I admit that I do miss you when we are not together and you lift me up when we do get to talk and even texting brings a huge smile. He replies “Hugs” and I asked Do I make you smile?he replies “Yes you do”. And then coldness .. no text, no call, nothing. A couple days later some light chit chat but a clear pulling away. So, I adapt but I am very confused as when we are together there is clear attraction, affection, even a sense of love (this has not been said out loud by either of us). So here I am with no plans and a pain in my heart I don’t understand as he ignores me. I feel that his ex has been stealing time away from me as he obviously responds to her text bashing. He is clearly been abused by her. What do I do? Should I just walk away? In a couple of days he will text as if nothing has happened but I am assuming that the ex has bullied him into this party she is having tonight and this infuriates me. It was our time to be together. I spend my time reading all the self help books and articles that have been provided but I feel I need to vent and get advice from others too.

    Thank you for reading 🙂

    • Rhonda said:

      Never wait for a man… You need to make plans for yourself and go on living. You can walk away if you want to, as it sounds like he is stringing you along a little bit, or you can wait it out (But you are still doing your own thing — see other people!!) and see what happens. I have a feeling you will find that he is wasting your time.

      • Paolin said:

        Thank you for your reply. I did start seeing another man the evening of the 4th of July. I decided that I need to be true to myself and obviously he has this baggage that he needs to work through and will not be emotionally available to me. Its too bad because we are a great match in many ways but I cannot be second fiddle to everything else in his life.

  32. Tracy said:

    HI James,

    I am kind of a weird but probably common situation. I met a guy online through a mutual interest group.We started talking and his initial response he has been single for 2 years along with not have sex by his choice. We have had the best of chat and tried to be there whenever he need me. I really thought this guy was the one. He hates drama and I think that is what ultimlately drove him away and he has a hard time of opening but after 6 months I find it odd he is still not opening up more. We have fights but he always comes back. I think he genuinely cares about me. He wants the notebook fairytale but his ex follow him around still night and day. I don’t get jealous since we are friends and I want the best friend value first also. I just got out of a 9 year relationship. Is what your advice? Should I lay off and let him come to me and really make him think i dont’ give a crap on whether we should go even farther. Long distance is always hard. Just need some advice. I am just very frustrated. We have the same values and beliefs. Any help is appreciated

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Tracy. while I don’t know enough about your situation do give a definitive opinion, I will say this. You say you share a lot of the same values and you say he doesn’t like drama. A lot of men who dislike drama are open to hearing straight questions about what they want and what would make them happy (in terms of a relationship). The key to making this work though is that you have to actually let go of controlling his desires and really focus on just learning about his desires, regardless of whether they match up with yours right now. Because if you break down in tears at his mention of a need for space and freedom, it blows your chances with a guy who wants to reduce drama.

      James

  33. Juliet said:

    I am really impressed and I want to know how to control a jealous boyfriend.

  34. Lesego Toto said:

    THANK YOU VERY MUCH,AM LEARNING SOMETHING THAT I DIDNT NO ABOUT MEN

  35. anisa said:

    how can i get the guide?

  36. Marge said:

    thanks for the first lesson. i just started dating a guy who has been slowly asking me out for about two years. i spent a weekend at his house and it was heavenly. i wonder why it took me so long. he was the perfect gentleman and it was nice. i have issues though: he is not very quick to speak his emotions so even though it was a great weekend, i do not really know how he feels about me. usually i would try to pull this out of him but with your lesson it is looking like a bad idea. what should i do? i am a bit obsessive about things like this cos i need to know where a relationship is and where it is headed. some help please!!!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Marge. I do understand where you’re coming from, I want to give you a somewhat odd perspective that may help you to relax into the relationship. Regardless of what someone else imagines, and regardless of what someone else says, the best indication of where a relationship is headed comes from looking at where the relationship is now.

      You’ve told me where the relationship is right now. A wonderful guy who treats you well and demonstrates affection toward you, has been consistently (but gently) pursuing you over two years. You just began to allow him into your own heart and mind and you are finding it a pleasant experience. I’m just reflecting back to what you have already said.

      Rather than trying to label the relationship or control the future, accept that the relationship is exactly what it appears to be. You have every right to tell him about the importance of commitment and open verbal exchange about intentions for the future, but it’s a bit too early for that. Give it a few more weeks and let his current actions speak about his true feelings for you.

      • marge said:

        thanks James….will keep it cool and try not to overthink it. that was a really prompt response by the way. u now have a fan

  37. Eve said:

    Hi James,
    I am interested with your “guide” to apply this in my future boyfriend/lover/husband. I have read all the comments and your advised. And i am hoping you can enlightened me too. I am having a casual affair with a guy I’ve met online for almost 3 months, and we’ve only met in person once. There is a magical connection between us even though we were just chatting. It seems i have known him even before and he felt the same way too. He doesn’t lie with his intention to me, he just wanted me to be his lover; he is separated but working things out with his wife for the sake of their kids, and he has other lovers other than me; that is what he says. What keeps our communication going is an exchanged of sexual favor/flirting thru chat. And we are talking about seeing each other again. I have little experience with regards to males. My platonic relationship with him excites me, and i am already thinking of him all the time. I could say I am in-love/infatuated with him already. And i know you could say I am dumb.

    Now, I am trying not think of him too much. I am trying not to care whether our weird affair will live or die. I just go on communicating with him, go with the flow. But what gives me hope, though he is clear with his intention to me; he’s still keeping our communication and he is open to me, or I just misunderstood him. What do you think of him?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello, Eve. You are welcome to consult one of our professional relationship coaches on this issue, but let me just give you my brief opinion.

      I don’t think you should pursue a relationship with a man who is trying to work things out with his wife. Imagine yourself in his wife’s shoes. Would you be happy to know there was a woman encouraging him to flirt and exchange sexual favors while the two of them were trying to salvage their long history and shared promise to stay together forever?

      I know I wouldn’t. If he would do that to his current wife, he would very likely do this to you as well if you ever became his wife.

      You are approaching this in the right way (from the standpoint of keeping your heart guarded while trying to maintain a relaxed attitude of how things turn out) but I’m not sure you would really “win” even if a man like this ended up choosing you. I say that because it seems his history suggests he chooses women temporarily and for convenience rather than for the sake of building something meaningful and lasting. I know I’m doing a lot of judging here in a situation that I know little about, so take my perspective with a grain of salt.

  38. Hannah said:

    Dear James,

    I have recently come across your articles and find them very interesting indeed! After reading this article and thinking over my past relationships I cannot say how true your words are. My relationships in the past that had any chance of working were ones where i was not concerned with the direction of the relationship and just let it flow and not had any issues with wondering what the ‘status’ of our relationship was. Indeed I actually broke up with a man because i wanted some space to myself and that was the tipping point where he asked me to marry him! Clearly I have not learnt my lesson though because here we are again.
    I recently started seeing someone new, it has been going great. We are very similar in personality and have the same outlook on life (even if he is more loud with his opinions than me). However, he is moving abroad for 4 months in a matter of weeks. It got to that point in our relationship where being intimate was on the cards and i ended up saying no, on the basis that it was bad timing (and i felt that this would make things difficult for me whilst he is away for the next 4 months). I’m now concerned that he may have only been after the one thing as I have not heard from him much since then. Did I do the right thing? Did I hurt his feelings or am I just reading too much into things? Ordinarily i would have let him know how i felt by now but in the interest of not being ‘clingy’ or needy I have refrained. Please help! Hannah

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi! This is a very specific question, perfect for the private consultation service available in the new members area. I love your involvement with the material I post here, but I’ve decided to start responding only to questions that are directly relevant to the article. For other personal questions, please use the private consultation service. It’s better for these kinds of questions.

  39. olives said:

    The lessons were great as i learned of different experiences. Thanks

  40. Linda Hall said:

    My guy and I had such good times! We never argued, always had a great time on trips, etc. I almost dread the good times because when we have a great time together he immediately pulls back. That just happened again and although he told me that I am everything he is wanting in a woman, there’s this big BUT…and now has pulled back yet again. Says he’s not sure what he really wants and I am at a place that I’m not sure if I will be there when he is finally sure. This back and forth is getting old! Any suggestions???

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Linda. If I’ve understood you right, you are really enjoying this relationship. If that’s the case, time is on your side. Nothing really needs to change for you to have a great life and enjoy this relationship.

      However, reading between the lines, I’m guessing there’s something you’re not satisfied with. Maybe he is not in a relationship exclusively with you, or maybe he is not ready to commit to building something with you on purpose (as opposed to just letting things happen). Given the great chemistry and positive interactions you both had, I recommend you give this relationship time and remove the pressure from yourself (and him) to figure things out. Sometimes time and a lack of pressure allows a relationship to bypass a stuck point.

  41. Sharon said:

    Very interesting insights. I am looking forward to your articles and tools. It is interesting to me to learn other approaches and to be open-minded. I want to be the best woman and lover that I can be.

    • James Bauer said:

      I like your attitude. The mindset of a winner (and a great catch). 🙂

      James

  42. Maria said:

    Only total disregard for yourself leads you to love but real love happens only when reciprocate!

  43. donna said:

    can and do men have relationships without sex before marriage and what if you met and know someone, how would you get him to call you without making it obvious?

    • James Bauer said:

      Yes, of course men can and do have relationships without sex before marriage (just like women who date them). That has been the dominant tradition of most cultures for 100s of years despite what the media likes to popularize for the sake of selling their TV shows with sex. It all depends on the cultural/religious subgroup of men you interact with.

      Regarding your second question, just stay subscribed to my emails and you will get lots of tips about priming his interest in pursuing a relationship with you.

  44. Chelsea said:

    Hi, I’m very interested in what you have to say. My relationship needs a little work. I feel as if he’s lost interest in me because he’s still in the “playing video games” stage. I don’t mind so much that he plays them, it’s just that he plays them all day long before and after work, completely neglecting me. I’d like to go out and spend time with him but I can’t seem to get him off video games. We’ve lived together for awhile and he’s always played games. But he always took time out of his day to do something with me. But as the relationship progresses, he seems to just not care. I don’t want to say he doesn’t talk to me, he does. Just about his games and work. I try to bring up other things but it doesn’t work. Even sex has become an issue. He says he’s too lazy and tired to have sex, which I understand. But everyday? I miss all the romantic times we used to have together. I can’t even get him to watch a movie with me. He used to suggest watching movies with me all the time. I remember when he looked at me randomly and would call me beautiful. Now it’s more of a good night beautiful. Which feels like he doesn’t mean it, he’s just used to saying it. I mean sometimes he opens up the car door for me or holds my hand in the car, which gives me so much joy! I just wish it was more often. Of course I tell him all these things, he says he will change, but it hasn’t. I’m pretty sure I’ve brought it up several times. Not to mention, we argue 24/7.. to the point where he wants to leave and I don’t care if he does. Also, he has a very bad anger problem that runs in his family. He swears he will never hit me per say.. but he has hurt me physically many times. Every time he feels extremely bad and says he’s no good for me. Which, in fact, makes me feel even worse for causing an argument. I look forward to your input. Thanks.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Chelsea! This is a very in-depth question, perfect for the private consultation service available in the new members area. It’s a bit too long for me to address as a blog comment. I love your involvement with the material I post here, but to get a guaranteed response to your personal questions, please use the private consultation service. It’s better for these kinds of questions.

      James

  45. Angel said:

    My boyfriend and I are the best of friends and he said I should be grateful that I got the privilege to be his girlfriend, and we can talk about anything and everything but he is afraid of commitment because I have kids and he doesn’t, so what then?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hmmm…I think he has put the ball in your court, Angel. It’s up to you to decide whether you are willing to be with a man who does not want a long-term commitment with you.

      He has communicated his position clearly, which is respectful (even if he does sound a bit narcissistic). But there’s always the chance that you might be able to learn what his concerns are about being in a relationship with someone with children. In the process of talking it through, you might discover that he has irrational fears or beliefs about what that would mean for his life. Some of those thoughts would be realistic, but it could be that removing just one false belief would free up his willingness to discuss ways you could commit to each other for the long-term.

      So get him talking. Ask him how he envisions a future with someone with kids, and what aspects of that life he would prefer to avoid.

      James

    • Mary said:

      Hi Angel, what a nerve saying you should be grateful. That alone tells me in a nutshell what type of man he is – conceited. Plus the kids story – you and him can have kids too? Doesn;t seem like a good character to me

  46. Jacqui said:

    James,
    I went on an online site to find friends and found this wonderful guy. He was honest with me and treats me like a very special person. Sometimes I think he is too good to be true but he never fails to impress me with how he treats me. He is very respectful and knows so much about life in general. We have talked about marriage…I was married for over 25 years and now a widow….he was in a relationship that produced a son. I have 2 grown sons and 3 grands. We have mostly everything in common and talk a lot. He says he is done looking for a mate, he now has me lol.
    Anyway, we have just been getting closer and closer but sometimes I wonder if he is pretending. Why I wonder is because all the articles I have read about how real men should treat their women is what he does and I wonder if one day he will just stop pretending and show his true colors. He stopped working due to a back injury and I was there for him emotionally and financially, which he always speaks about and appreciates. Now he’s back on his feet financially and he hasnt changed one bit, still treats me like the most important person in his life….aside from his son, which I have no problem with.
    I have listened your audio message and read this first article and I wonder if he reads these things as well, he is so…….perfect lol. It scares me, how we are getting close and even told him that the other day and I think I hurt him by saying that and I felt him pull away a bit…like giving me space. My husband was a cheating rascal so I’m not used to this sort of attention I’m getting now. I am enjoying it tho and take your suggestions seriously as I believe they are workable.
    Glad I found you!

  47. Ella said:

    Ok, so james, how does this apply to me, when a guy i started to said i was texting him too much but i really wasn’t? I only text him like 3 times that day and someone stole my phone and ruined everything. How can i win him back and explain to him that it wasn’t me if he won’t even return my calls after that? I want to fix it with him and i don’t know how. How does this apply and how can i fix the situation?

    • James Bauer said:

      I’m not sure if it would work, Ella, but if it was a friend playing a prank on you (when they stole your phone and texted him) you might ask your friend to contact him and explain what they did.

      James

  48. sophia said:

    Hi james,
    I have been in several relationships and all are serious but seems marriage and proposal are too distant for me. So I ended up leaving those relationships who doesn’t want or talked about having future with me.
    At the moment, I’m in relationship with this guy that I felt I have connection with and we enjoyed so much of each others company. We have been together for a year now but I felt that he is someone doesn’t want to get committed with me. He always said to me that let’s not worry about the future and just enjoy the present. Sometimes he’s pressuring me to like what he likes, for instance his favorite sports, news and cartoon shows. I did everything he says to me and he even told me that I am the best relationship that he ever had. But recently he asked me he missed his personal time being alone so I gave it to him and moved to my friend’s house for a while. But he started treating me so dry that we used to talked and text each other so often. Then one night I asked him if he’s free to talk but he replied me, is it important? I just replied to him it’s not, just wanna talk. Then he said can we just talk about it next time coz im busy my favorite show is about to start. So I told him that u seems not to care for me anymore and he got so pissed and since that night he never talked to me again. It’s been 3 days now that he hasn’t sent me any msg and I did the same. I think mybe he needs really time and space away from me and I guess this time his the one pulling out from the relationship.
    I just don’t get what really man wants?
    I just want a clear status of our relationship now.. should I message him first or just wait til he wants to talk to me again?
    Thanks for ur time 🙂

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sophia. For very personal questions like this one, please send the question in through our private consultation service where a professional relationship coach will receive your request and respond.

  49. Jacqui said:

    James,
    So we broke up….it really was too good to be true, as I suspected. I feel used and disrespected right now but as time passes I feel better and plan on dating again. I tried (shrug)

    • James Bauer said:

      I’m sorry, Jacui. Take good care of yourself.

  50. Brenda said:

    What if I might be interested in a player? I don’t think they value relationships. Or, maybe he’s just not that into me? He is very confident, self absorbed, very social, extremely intelligent and travels a great deal. I do know he has dated other women in our large circle. Should I even waste my energy if he is a player?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Brenda. It sounds like you do value relationships, and for that reason I think you should only pursue relationships with other people who share that value. Otherwise, it puts you in a position of constantly trying to create something on your own with no help from your partner.

  51. Wilma said:

    Just wanne ask is this going to work for me??? My husband left me for his mistress he they live together for 2 years she left him for someone els he”s back now but things not looking good i try my best but he complain albout everything i do.I was not after 17 y of marrige good enough he wants to change everthing but just do the same old tricks again and make me the bad one ????

    • James Bauer said:

      Wilma, the real key for you is going to be establishing a balanced relationship where he pursues you as much as you pursue him. It sounds like right now things are out of balance where he thinks he can act however he wants and you will cater to him. If you need some help on that, consider submitting a question to one of my hand-picked professional relationship coaches. You can do so here.

  52. shirley said:

    i like the part that says, in a relationship, i must not care whether the relationship lives or dies.

  53. aurita said:

    hi,i am aurita from bangladesh.

    direct to the point….its been 1 year i am in a relation but its not working smoothly as my boy friend is so problematic. he had a relation but his ex did not love him n it was almost like a trap…soon after his break up we became fb friend. then he proposed me there…i believe he loves me but i can’t feel it…all time he lies,he hides everything about his ex,his life, he is not sharing,caring…he doesn’t wanna talk to me over phone, he shows excuses every time but he is determined about me making his final life–partner.. i am confused..i am not happy with him but i love him honestly. what should i do? is it impossible to get his 100% attension,affection,love,care?
    please reply me and give me solution

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Aurita. I wonder if he knows that he has failed to make you feel loved, appreciated, and respected. If you suspect he does not, start there.

      Take time to carefully think about gentle ways you can help him to see how his life and your life could be better. Start with just one or two things so you do not overwhelm him with requests for change. But be honest with him about the fact that you are not happy with the relationship and therefore are not ready to accept his proposal.

      At the same time, assure him that you want to feel ready to accept his proposal and you are willing to work with him toward establishing the kind of relationship that would make that possible.

  54. Amber said:

    I just don’t understand how to act like “I don’t care if the relationship lives or dies” But I do know that my relationship is like a rollercoaster! We’ve been together 9mo & I feel lime it’s inevitable that we won’t make it much longer. I don’t trust him (b/c of previous problems) and he feels like I smother him & he has “no privacy “! I truly love him, but don’t know what to do. It seems like everything I say is WRONG! Help!!!

    • Amber said:

      that’s like & not lime…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi, Amber. While you might want to submit a question with more background information to one of our relationship coaches, I’ll just comment on one thing here.

      The two things you mentioned (lack of trust and feeling smothered without privacy) feed on each other. Men have a natural inclination to conceal some of their plans and thoughts from others. It’s kind of like a survival instinct that should have nothing to do with a romantic relationship but often shows up there nonetheless.

      It’s also perfectly natural for you to have limited trust in someone who has betrayed your trust recently. To break the cycle I recommend you speak with him openly about the link between these two issues and then make it a priority to purposely build trust with each other. Here’s an article I wrote that explains how to build trust on purpose.

      It’s frustrating that you should have to give trust to someone who may not deserve it, but the alternative is giving up on the relationship all together. I say this based on experience with watching how relationships unfold when one partner demands constant accountability from a partner who messed up in the past. It rarely works out for the best. Choosing to actively build trust will at least give you a fighting chance.

      James

  55. Jasmine said:

    I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and before we started dating (during the summer) he would talk to me every day on oovoo and text because we were not able to see each other. Then when college started we started dating and I saw him every day so there wasn’t really a need to keep in touch outside of seeing each other. Now that its summer again he barely talks to me, he won’t even say goodnight or good morning. I told him that I would like to talk to him more and I don’t like it when he sees my messages and doesn’t reply. He told me that is who he is and that it’s not only to me that he does this but he doesn’t reply to anyone because he is so busy. I’ve brought it up a lot in the past couple weeks and especially a few days ago I had a long talk about how it bothers me. He told me if any other guy heard that they would leave me for being needy but he didn’t, however, ever since then he says goodnight and good morning but it just seems so forced and he doesn’t talk to me at all during the day. There is no emotion in it when he says it. How do I make him want to talk to me more without being needy?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Jasmine. It sounds like he has a different idea about what is “normal” regarding the way you interact during summer months apart. This may not be something you can easily fix because he perceives your efforts to fix it as “being needy.” But you might get better results by reserving texting for sharing interesting tidbits about your life or meaningful questions about what’s going on for him. Using text just to say hello seems like meaningless attention-seeking behavior (to some people…not all). Try reducing the “good morning” type texts and increase the percentage of curiosity-provoking texts and see what happens.

  56. Melody said:

    My boyfriend and I were together for five years. He cheated on me and I was heart broken. I found myself talking to his coworker about it a lot, and before I knew it were were talking every single day. Over the last few months we have hung out a few times, flirted quite a bit, and I think there are obvious signs he likes me. I really like him, we can talk on the phone for hours, and we enjoy each others company. I often go to his mens games to watch, but I have to schedule a time to see him two weeks in advance because he is so busy. He never actually initiates anything and tells me I’m not ready for a relationship yet…I am his friend. My friends tease me because I am really in the “friend zone.” He is so busy entertaining himself with clubs and sports that he does not have time for anyone in his life. I think he does a million different activities so he doesn’t have to THINK about how alone he really is. He even said there are two months out of his year when he has nothing to do, and he gets depressed during those months. He says he wants a girlfriend who is his best friend and lover, and he would like to get married someday…but then also says he has trouble committing, and he knows he frustrates women. He’s into me one moment, and the next he might not even respond to my text for a day or more. Just when I feel like we are connecting, he pulls away. I stopped telling him about my heartache from my ex, and I hope that is a step in the right direction. I’m trying to only say positive things in my texts, because I don’t want to scare him away. After we hang out he is very receptive to my texts and emails, but then a few weeks go by (since he is too busy to hangout) and the texts become less and less…. until the next time we eventually hang out. Do I just pull the plug and stop chasing him? I feel like he is everything and more that I want in a man, but he just doesn’t SEE me. I do such nice things for him, and he doesn’t see that I could be the woman he has been looking for all this time. PLEASE HELP

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Melody. It sounds like you two enjoy each other a lot. I’ve done a fair bit of research and coaching on breaking out of the friend-zone box. I’ve put together some of my best techniques in a special report on this topic. You can find it here. Good luck!

      James

  57. Tori said:

    I find it interesting that you recommend “When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion. While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies.” It makes a lot of sense, but it also feels like you would be hiding your feelings too. I’ve recently moved from the friend zone with my guy friend only to find out that my PAST mistakes and bad decisions have exhausted him from giving me millions of second chances, it bothers me that the past is being dwelled on, but currently we are in the state where we may no longer be friends or more than friends. I poured my heart out to say I didn’t want to lose him and he basically said he was tired of giving me second chances and tired of my lack of “good sense”. I really don’t want to lose him, but I fear I have no choice.

  58. Hadassah said:

    Wow, so true… Thank you, James!

    Yes, I had fallen in love with a man that seemed to have been falling in love with me and even asked me to fall in love with him. But one week he had lost his phone when he was out of town with no other phone service. I had no idea what was happening. By the time he got his phone back with a text, call, or email from me 1-2 times per day to find out what happened to him (he used to call and text ALL throughout the day, and talk to me all night), it sealed our fate with him thinking I was too needy and insecure and he dumped me from his heart, and was never open to communication again. Although I did wonder why it didn’t seem I was on his heart anymore, I also was truly worried about his well being. Nevertheless, I’ve been trying to get him back ever since. I’m not one to give up on others so easily. Unfortunately, I’m learning he doesn’t like that either, because, as you said James, he likes his space, his freedom, and cannot tolerate feeling smothered, nor can he tolerate insecurity (he practically told me that).

    I do think one of the ladies here made a valid point about males being conditioned not to express or tolerate any strong emotions other than anger. And the man I speak of is an “alpha” military male to the most extreme degree I’ve ever known. Everything he feels about me that causes him to make decisions about me seem to be very primal and not so much logical, or things he can even explain very well. I had wish I had known this. At the same time, James, I hope you and others out there can help men understand how deeply relational God has created woman to be, how beautiful it is, and if we don’t want to lose a man’s love, that it would help that they view it as desire for them, not just so much of “neediness”. And I hope men can be encouraged not to fear their own emotions, or women’s emotions, as I’m learning they are as well.

    Note: I do believe I’m the best woman this man will ever get. I do have and know that there are men that can love me better than this guy, but I do DESIRE him the most.

    • James Bauer said:

      Great illustration of this concept in real life. Thanks for sharing, Hadessah!

      James

      • Hadassah said:

        Thanks, James… Do you think there’s hope of ever winning him back again? Unfortunately, we’re long distance, so there’s so much against us. He used to say that I brought out the best in him, and that he wanted to build something together, and grow together. He does have other pressures on him as well, that have made him angry, which he admitted to, and that it’s “not all” me. He said he has “a love” for me, but I don’t know what that means? And he doesn’t respond to my calls or emails, which I don’t call anymore and my emails are spread far apart. But he did finally respond to a text the other day where I was just saying encouraging words of how I believed in him and shared about an adventurous day I had with a beautiful photo of myself in nature. He just gave a short, “thanks, looks nice, rough day”. And then didn’t respond again, though compared to the fact that he hasn’t responded for almost 2 months, that was a huge breakthrough for me!

        • James Bauer said:

          There’s always a chance of things chaning, Hadessah, even if it’s only a small chance. The key is to pursue other relationships and other life activities as if he was going to stay the same (i.e. mostly ignoring you) but not burn bridges (keep communication lines open in case his phase of life changes and he finds himself ready to actively pursue a relationship).

          • Hadassah said:

            Oh, I did forget one comment he had made when he was in a bad mood from other stressors: “I know you want a commitment, but I just don’t feel it in my heart. You’re too needy and insecure.” OUCH. Lol. This was after those circumstances out of my control to include when he lost his phone. To add to my confusion, he was cold to me all that last weekend together, yet pressed me twice to be intimate with him. I wish I wasn’t, as if I hope he would have chased me, yet our physical intimacy is the only time we’re able to connect on a passionate level anymore. But then he is cold as ice when he’s done. He is not the type to have used women, and has only been with 2 other women in his life, but I am afraid he may have used me to some degree, yet I was thinking he was loving me. It was in those moments he said, “I do have a love for you, Hadassah.”

            I don’t know what to make of it at all. I will be going to his house one last and final time to pick up all my things next month. If he presses me to be physical with him, I’m not sure what to do? If I finally start setting boundaries, will he chase me again as he once did? Or will I just continue to lose his interest altogether? His sexual desire for me seems the only influence I have on him anymore. How shall I use it to win him back? Is there still hope after sharing these aspects of this story?

  59. Melissa said:

    Hi James,
    I enjoyed day 1’s tip. I’m very interested in seeing what the next 13 days tell me.
    My story.. 8 months ago I just seperated from my husband of 11yrs. Dating is very hard. I’m a hardworking single mom of 4, FT job, FT kids. I finally found a man equal to myself such as good job, pays his own bills, takes care of his own kids.We have tons in common like we have know each other for ever. The little romantic things that Ive always done he does them! We have had the best relationship in only a months time that I could never of dreamed of & he totally shared my feelings on that. I actually already use your day 1 tip, because I have to keep myself reserved since I have my kids. He has only been seperated a few months. His ex during a switch off with the kids began asking him questions & he told her about me. I have only met her a few times. Now she has begun to use the kids against him to break us up & she even played the “I wanna get back together…for our family” card. I totally understand & I backed off…hurt. She just played him & doesn’t really want to be with him. God couldn’t of given us both the best moth of our lives for nothing so we have kept the friend window open. He is totally confused thanks to her & doesn;t know what to do. I myself want to give him time. I definatly would like to see where we could go. But I;m at a loss. I dont want to get hurt. He said he was over her until she started messing with his head. Now I don’t know what to do…Can u help me? Please & thank you.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Melissa. It sounds like you’re on the right track. You’ve made the right choices so far. Some things are simply not within your control (such as the actions of his ex and how he responds to her).

      Be the breath of fresh air in his life. Don’t make him figure it out (yet). Just “be” with him and let him discover how refreshing it is to be in your presence. Then give it time.

      James

  60. Donna said:

    Hi James
    Thank you so much for the incouraging advice. I have been married once for 16 years. After my divorce I met someone who I loved very much. In the begging he made a comment that stuck in my heart. ” My ex was My soul mate”. For 5 years I felt like I had to prove myself better than this other person who I later found out treated him terribly. After we broke up. I made all the classic break up mistakes calling texting and trying to make get the relationship back. Only recently did I realize that I deserve mutual love and respect which I felt cheated of during the relationship. My self respect and esteem was completely shattered. I’m middle 40’s trying to start over again. I look forward to tips on my self love to heal a broken heart before trying to find someone new.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hmmm, yes, I hear you, Donna. That is a painful lesson to learn. But fortunately, you’ve proven yourself to be wise enough not to repeat the same mistake. You are standing on a strong foundation. Your choice to build up your own self-love will take you a long way in the world of relationships.

      James

  61. Ads said:

    First I would like to say hello James I really wish I hadnt have lost my job last month as i would have loved the ability to order your guidebook hopefully I will have the oppertunity once I am gainfully employees somewhere again. But I am hoping you may be able to help me make the corrent disearnment in my current situation. I have a reputation among my close frien we and family managers of being somewhat of a commitment phobic as well as having quite possibly one of least disirable lists of partners I tended to end up with guys that either ended up with either a substance abuse addiction that turned out relationship into a financial and emotional drain on me till I had to kick them to the curb or in the case of the father of my child he was all ofbthat and ended up having a break down and was diagnosed schitzoactive with a bipolar charge…that’s where I decided to focus on myself and step out of the dating world for almost six years. It was a time I focused on myself and my daughter’s needs then once I knew what I was looking for to be the best me I could and provide the best I could for my child it was time to start casually dating to see if there may be room for a someone special in my life after all. Yet it took only a few months before I had decided that I really may be my happiest as a single mom. Of course as fate or luck or God tend to do (whatever belief system 1 chooses to view life) As I went to delete myself from the online dating sceneI fell into one mutual attraction where we chose to exchange phone numbers to talk as we were both getting rid of our online profiles when we happened upon eachb others profile. It has been only 3 months but there is an openess and connection that is very special and rare he and I felt it almost immediately and we found that we have such similar hobbies and interests same religious beliefs and goals for ourselves and our children etc…however that is where the advice is needed…it has only been 3 months and we have never met in person yet as we aren on separate states…we talk and text every single and we have this amazing ability to be open sand discuss anything with each other with out judgement. We have actually both admitted that we believe that we are truelly soulmates in the truest biblical form as in God fashioned my life and soul for the purpose of completing his soul. We both had plans to move into the same building the same week of January 2016 that we were saving up for before meeting. He and I opened up about where we felt this was gonna go and we both felt that as long as we don’t let ourselves rush and push things but continue to go with the flow of what is unfolding naturally to be sure things and up as they are meant to that we hope to be married one day. Now when there is an attraction that comes quick and strong there will be close friends/family that are going to have opinions…one of my closests friends knows that I met someone and that we havnt yet met in person but that it seems to be moving way to quickly as an outsider looking in she believes I have been seduced by the idea of a relationship making me easily manipulated by a man she believes must be desperate and lonely. I can see where her concerns could potentially plant the seeds of doubt which is why I am seeking your honest advice…I don’t want myself nor him to be hurt due to an inability to hold off an emotional connection. We neither one were looking we had accepted following our goals for ourselves and our babies and were content to do so solo. We both felt a connection just based on Our profiles that has lead to a romantic connection based on common goals music taste out intellect and our personalities we have found that we both handle stress and negative emotions the same way and therefore have been able to instinctively respect eachb others need for alone time self reflection and privacy…we are able to be totally honest with one another even about the most difficult and taboo topics out there from theology to politics we challenge and have this level of acceptance and respect I have never felt with another human being. And the fact that he takes the time just to text me a good morning and checks in a couple times a day in a simple I hope your day is going well or today he randomly messaged me saying I was ridiculously pretty and that he hoped that wasn’t offensive knowing we both agree that our attraction to one another is more substancial than a simple phisical one. Allni know for sure is how we both feel toward each other and the fact that I now have had seeds of doubt placed … (especially knowing he and I collectively have four young children that we have to consider as we build toward our furtures) I need to know is it ever the real true healthy mutually loving relationship worth is continuing to move forward with or since its not been a long stretch or are we just two people blinded by a chemical reaction at a time that we needed companionship more than we are aware of leading us to be overly naive by giving each other our trust honesty and loyalty and showing our vulnerabilities that will turn into nothing more than a heartbreaking failure?

  62. Millie said:

    Yes my husband said he doesn’t want to be control by nobody but I see he does let his mom controlling . Plus when I try to spend time or push the subject he kind of pushing away he said he doesn’t want anybody told him what to do

  63. Maru said:

    Detachment from results. No expectations, no disappointments. You can’t make someone love you. Just make sure you’re loving yourself.

  64. Mavis Meyer sevenpinesgmmm@frontiernet.net said:

    Waiting to hear the rest of the story

  65. Sandy said:

    Hello James! I need your advice. He is my schoolmate. Every time I see him in school, my heart beats so fast, and every time when he are near, my heart is always overreacting it feels like there are butterflies in my stomach .I don’t like him and I don’t have a feelings for him but I don’t know why he is always on my mind and in my dreams also, even though I’m not thinking of him anymore. I don’t know what I feel about him. But my heart is always reacting for him I don’t know why.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sandy. I understand why this confuses you. If you don’t love him, why does your body react as if you care so much?

      Perhaps the answer is that you deeply desire his approval. For some reason you respect him in a way that makes you want to give him a certain impression about yourself. This generates a bit of “fight or flight” physiological reaction to the anxiety about how he will perceive you. It’s nothing to worry about.

      If you want to get rid of that feeling, tell yourself you don’t care whether he approves of you or not.

  66. Kelly said:

    I recently discovered that a guy I like, likes me back. We are in the same graduate school program (a small program of 55 students so it’s very intimate and we spend all day long, every day with each other- which can complicate things). We began spending time together and decided that we would just take things slow and see what happens and where things go. He has some BIG reservations about starting anything serious with the program that we are in and seems to have been holding back from the beginning. We just spent 3 weeks over the holidays apart at our respective homes and the communication between us dwindled. We are back at school now and have yet to spend time together outside of class (alone). Looking at the situation from the outside I would immediately think “he’s not interested- move on” but he gives me so many mixed signals that I’m having a hard time trying to figure out where he’s at and what’s going through his head. I just asked him after class tonight if he would have some time this weekend to meet up for some coffee or go for a walk and he said yes. I am planning on talking to him about our situation and what’s going on with it but I can’t decide how to go about it.
    Do you have any advice on how to handle the situation (specifically our conversation in two days)? Do I ask him what he’s thinking and if he wants to continue this or do I just tell him that it doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page and that I need to walk away from it? I don’t want to give up on the potential for something great between us (there was enormous potential before break when this all started) but at the same time I don’t want to be stuck in a situation (again) where I care way more than he does and in the end I’m just not QUITE what he was looking for.
    Thank you!

    • James Bauer said:

      Kelly, I think your original plan is a good one. I think you should stick with it. In other words, just see where things go. Casually spend time together when it’s convenient. Don’t force it. Don’t force communication about where things are going at this point. This will prevent him from feeling pressured while also giving you time to ensure he wants to pursue you too.

      • Kelly said:

        Thank you so much for your prompt response James!
        I would like to let you know that I followed your advice and did not bring up the topic of “us” and just casually met up and spent some time together this past weekend. We met up for coffee and ended up sitting there talking for four hours. The time just flew by and the conversation was constant and easy and fun. Although I still have no clue if this is something he wants to pursue still, it did feel great to just sit and talk with him and enjoy some time together. I’m still confused by his lack of talking to me outside of class (he doesn’t text me anymore) but I feel a little hopeful after he willingly spent four hours sitting outside at a coffee shop with me. My plan is just to back off and let him take his time deciding if he wants to pursue something with me. I’m just afraid that we will be stuck in this stagnant situation where I won’t find out what he really wants out of this situation.
        Thank you again for your advice. I look forward to the daily email lessons that I have been getting from you each day!

  67. seorim said:

    Hello I am seorim by name and I am gay. Three weeks ago I meet this guy that I fall deeply in love with, but he is not been sensitive to my emotion. Anytime I ask if he is in a relationship? He always respond that it is complicated and do not want to talk about it. How do I get him to love me back?? I can’t stand the chance to lose him and I notice he is always too formal with me anytime we chat. Please help me I am losing my mind

  68. Ikeria said:

    I am in love with this guy a year older than me. We have known each other for a couple of months now. When he first discovered that i was interested in him, he just got out of a relationship with his ex and there was a lot of drama. So i blocked him out of my life. Then recently, he came back in. He gave me compliments, saying i good i looked. Then we would hug and his hands would rome and squeeze places like any guy would. We were both upset one day and we were talking about it. Again we were hugging and he was filling me up. He gave me the impression that he wanted me to kiss him so i did and he kissed me back. Then He asked me what i was doing and i played dumb. He was saying how he felt so stupid and he just go out of a relationship but yet he stayed were he was holding me, picked me up and kissed my forehead. I keep playing these memories over and over again in my head, but i just don’t get it. Why ? I feel so stupid to let him play with my emotions like that but at the same time it felt so good. It is nice to have some attention all to yourself every once n a while. But Why? Can you answer my question James?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Ikeria. It’s best to focus on the direction you want to take things. It pulls you out of the passive roll.

      What do you want with this guy? Decide what you want. Then invite him into your life (on your terms).

      If he does not show a desire to answer your subtle invitations (small steps in the right direction) then you know he’s not really interested in what you want. In that case you should move on. But if he responds, then continue to guide him through subtle gestures that invite him toward a real relationship. One step at a time.

      James

  69. Nika said:

    I’m heartbroken. I rarely meet guys that I’m actually attracted to. Well I met one this Summer and that ended quickly (about a month) so I went to dating advice articles non-stop. Then on Thanksgiving night I was out enjoying a girls night and met a guy that I was extremely attracted to. He was inconsistent from the start (1st date) he didn’t follow through on his plans. I thought what a jerk! We tried a couple of more times and nothing so I cut ties. Well we wound up reconnecting and actually going on a date. It was great!!!! We went on numerous other dates, talking regularly, etc. Well fast forward to Superbowl weekend (that’s when I noticed the pulling away). All I got was a text on V-day. We weren’t in an exclusive dating relationship just to point out. I told him I was upset about how he handled vday so it was some back and forth texting. He asked if we could talk. Set a time and never showed. I thought things were going good. I was really starting to like him. I don’t know what went wrong 🙁 I’m very social so I try not to be needy but I am super frustrated with dating because I desire to.be.married and have a family (I’m 38). Why are the two men that I’ve actually been attracted to run off so quickly. One didn’t even last a month and the other maybe 3 months. I know this sounds absolutely nuts as I type this…but is there a way to get the 3 month guy to come back around? I’m not contacting him since a have a miniscule amount of pride left but I can’t lie. I do want him 🙁 I’m preparing to not get him but wondered if it’s possible?

    • James Bauer said:

      Nika,

      I’m sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. To answer your question, yes, it is still possible that the spark that initially brought you together could be rekindled.

      The key is keeping the door open.

      Right now that means doing nothing for a few weeks, and then sending him a text once every week or two. Focus on shared humor, positive thoughts, and other non-relationship topics. It’s just a way of keeping the door open.

      One day, he might be in a place (emotionally) where he wants to find a relationship to commit to. You’ll be among the first people that come to mind, and you’ll be just a text away.

      James

  70. fatoum-yasco97 said:

    what an advice!!!!. I like it!!! hope it’s hopefull for the others as well. waiting for the next one(advices).

  71. Brandy said:

    Hi there. Just signed up for my free trial. I’ve been dating a man for two years. I’m 41, he is 46. It was the first relationship either of us had after being married for several years. Everything was going great, things were getting pretty serious and we were exclusive for the past year. A month or so ago he tells me that the relationship is getting to serious, he wants space, wants to be able to date others, but still would like to date me as well. Never gave me any reasons of what went wrong, just that he doesn’t want to be tied down in a relationship after being married for 23 years. How do I go from exclusive serious relationship to “friend zone” again? I feel like I’m the “back up plan” if he doesn’t find anything better. Is there a chance he’ll see how lucky he would be to have me? Should I even date him at all or just try and be friends and let things happen naturally?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Brandy. Think about what you want from the relationship. Does it seem likely to you that he wants to give you the things you are seeking from a relationship?

      If not, consider that you may be asking the wrong question. It may be that you’re better off seeking another partner rather than trying to be with a man who probably would not bring the happiness you seek.

      I know that’s probably not the answer you were hoping for. And I’m sorry for that. But in the long run, you will be happier when you clear the seat next to you so someone else can recognize the open space. As long as this man is taking up the seat next to you, the guy who is right for you will pass right on by. Open the space next to you.

      This guy did do one thing right. He was honest with you. That empowers you to make choices about what’s going to work best in your life. Do the same for him. Be honest with him about your choice to move on. Once in a great while, that causes a man to wake up and realize what he’s about to lose. But for that to be something good, he would need to experience a sudden change of heart regarding his desire for a relationship. Remember, in this case it’s not about you. It’s about finding a match with someone who wants the same things as you.

      James

  72. L said:

    been dating a guy for seven months… he is lovely.. we even told each other playfully one time that we love each other when were both a little drunk… but he insisted that it should remain unconditional and I agreed.. he has never let me down in any way… if we make a plan he sticks to it… always.. we do fun things together.. he is very playful… we go hiking, dinners, intimate togetherness… lots of laughter.. music.. dancing… everything I like.. he loves to cook dinner for me and make cocktails… he wants to be the one spoiling me with time and affection and he doesn’t want me to do anything like even take a glass to the sink if I am at his place… we are like two kids just having a ton of fun.. I don’t want to spoil this in any way … but one thing he told me is that he will never marry or live with a woman as he did it once and it was a disaster… last night I said to him that he should not be too fearful to show me his heart because I would never smother him.. I was kinda testing the waters… he actually held me more tenderly and even stroked my cheek when I said that… he is so wonderful … how can I get him to see that I just want what he wants… and that I truely will never hold him back from what he likes to do because I do know that freedom is KEY to any man or woman.. here’s the thing.. I am 14 years older but he says it doesnt matter and I believe him but sometimes I just wonder.. I am a very confident woman… .. I just want to know how to keep things just the way they are or make it better.. I want him to be the leader in organising our dates yet sometimes I do want to contribute to some outings without seeming manipulative or trying to take the lead….. some experts say you should always wait for a man to come into your space and not lean into his.. my friends say I should ask for a commitment otherwise he will just keep believing I am his play thing.. I don’t think so but what do you suggest?

    • James Bauer said:

      It sounds like you’ve created an amazing relationship with this man. Congratulations on that!

      You never really came right out and said it, but I’m guessing a part of you wonders if your friends are right. Maybe you do need to demand a commitment from him.

      But before you dive into that kind of demand, let me advise you to figure out exactly what it is you want. After all, “a commitment” is only something we desire because of the benefits we believe it will bring. So get really clear (in your own mind) about what benefits you feel are missing right now. What is it you want that the relationship is not providing? Is it a promise to be together forever? Is it a promise to be exclusive? Is it a stated intention to move toward a different type of relationship?

      Figuring that out will help you to approach your man with the right kinds of questions. You might even find a way to meet the need/desire you have without violating his present stance on what he wants to avoid.

      James

  73. L Cruz said:

    Hi James! Ok here’s my comment I’m gonna try n make this short n sweet. My guy is amazing but he comes from a privileged home. His relationship with his mom is a bit strained, but its bc he resents her for being too overprotective and I mean he’s 27 and she still calls to ask if he ate today. He resents his mom but still relies on her to do things like his laundry. My guy is 27 I’m 32. I already know I’m a lot more experienced than him wen it comes to adult life. He’s just moved into his first place last year and my first mistake is that I’m here nearly every day. No, literally. Me being 32 and having taken care of my own place many times, I’m over the phase of having company every night and having no real decorations in my home, and pizza boxes everywhere. I feel myself becoming more like his mom than his gf. Cooking for him, cleaning up after him, and checking to make sure he’s okay have kind of worked against me. But its in my nature to do these things for ppl I care for. Wen I am unappreciated for it, I become angry and resentful. Which in turn, he gets mean and cold. We then argue abt stupid ish and the relationship gets off track. I’ve thrown things and even hit him before. He says he loves me and has remained in spite of me slapping him and breaking his TV on accident. I get really angry. Bc in my past, I see myself giving of myself so much and being unappreciated that is has become a pattern and I begin to feel inadequate or unworthy, which in turn only has negative effects on how others view me as well, esp my bf. The lack of self esteem only creates more resentment, and that fearless passionate woman has slipped away and starts becoming desperate. Crying and begging. Its an awful pattern… I had one ex that was abusive and one that fathered a child outside our relationship. Others have used me for sex. In another comment I spoke abt giving ur all, but all these things combined make me fear giving my all to a man. I don’t know what will happen in my current situation. My guy gives me mixed signals… Lately I’ve been backing way off bc the last incident with me breaking the TV has got him on edge. He hasn’t held me at night for abt two weeks now and that’s very unusual. Yet he still kisses me on the forehead in the morning before going off to work. Or like last night, his teams the #Cavs won and sometimes he would come talk to me and be all excited, then he would stay away for the rest of the night! One night recently he got drunk and told me that if things don’t change fast, the relationship is done. But I already knew this. I feel AWFUL abt hitting him, (even tho one time was bc he called me a bitch, and the other time was bc he looked me dead in my eyes and said “I don’t f%$@ing need you!” That really stung. What to do James? I’m afraid I already know what you’re gonna say, but let me have it…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hmm…I’d say he’s lucky to have you. And I want to commend you on your choice to look for the best in life and in those around you. You’re off to a great start even though I can understand why you’re frustrated with a few things in this current relationship.

      I’m going to ask you a weird question. It might sound very odd to you, but let it roll around in your mind. You might be surprised at how this question opens up insights about your situation.

      Ready? Okay, here it is. What would it mean if you were not hurt and afraid right now?

      What would have to be different in this relationship for that to happen? How would you have to think differently if nothing really changed about him, yet you felt good about yourself?

      How would you have to think differently so that this problem where you serve other people’s needs and then feel badly when they take you for granted was no longer an issue? For that to happen, what would have to be different about your approach to all relationships? How about this one?

      Don’t rush to an answer. Spend a day or two pondering this. You might be surprised at how you start to feel less trapped and more empowered.

      James

  74. Di said:

    Hi James, I met a guy and we clicked straight away. He had all the chat but I felt this was more from being insecure than a player. I told him he had the chat and I was still sussing him out. We wanted the same things for our lives, liked doing similar activities, he said he didn’t want to just hook up with someone he wanted to be settled, get married and have a child. We liked each other and there was lots of chemistry between us. He textd the next day and asked me if I thought romance was in the air and did I want to see him again. I said yes. Date 2 was great and we spoke more and it came across that he’d had his heart broken before. He said you are going to be trouble and I wonder who is going to break whose heart. I said hopefully neither of us will have our hearts broken. He would tell me how sexy I was often. On date 2 onwards he tried to get me to the bedroom after we had been out but I didn’t get more intimate until date 4 but really on date 5. I asked him on date 4 if he was seeing anyone else and he said nothing had gone past one date so No. Texting was his way of keeping in touch but other than organising dates he didn’t communicate much in between them. He always said how little spare time he had and how busy he was. Doing what I don’t know. He had a very good job but didn’t work late all the time. I thought things were going well though and there was quite a few texts from him during the week leading to date 5. On date 5 I slept with him and stayed over. He said he was so not used to it and it had been a while. I do believe him. He textd me that night and the next day he was going away for 4 days on holiday to see his family. The day he came back I had a horrible gut feeling and couldn’t sleep, he didn’t get in touch the day he returned which I thought he would. You would think since us being more intimate he would be wanting to arrange the next date. I couldn’t wait to see if he was going to get in touch so I textd him the next day. He replied and when I asked when we were meeting up (he always asked me before so this was the first time I asked him) he said we could go cycling on the Sunday. Part of me thought this was nice as it meant us doing something other than going for dinner and drinks but on the other hand I wondered why he didn’t want to repeat what happened on date 5. Was he scared. We had a nice cycle and there were a few flirtations from him. We got soaked in the rain so he didn’t come back into my flat although he said he would love to stop. He said I’ll text you. 4 days go by and I hear nothing. I wasn’t going to get in touch but gave in as I deserve to know what’s happening. I sent how’s your week been, do you want to meet up one night next week and go out somewhere. (So there was no pressure to be indoors and get intimate if that was the problem, I know he is busy this weekend and wanted to show him I was too so suggested next week). He has replied ‘Hi, I’d like that but I’m not sure when at this point. I have a friend staying this weekend, I’m in the midst of earnings season and im off to the US for work next weekend. So it’s all a bit manic. How are you doing?’. I really would like your advice on how best to reply. I do really like him but I now don’t know if he just wanted sex all along, or did it scare him that we got quite intense and he said he wasn’t used to it. If he had gone off me why text afterwards and also go a cycle with me. Your advice is much appreciated.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Di. I’m glad to see you are diving in and working hard to apply new ideas in your dating life. For detailed questions like this, please submit it to our private advice consultation service. You can find it here.

      James

  75. Glory said:

    Hi James,i actually don’t understand the part where you say “not caring whether the relationship lives or dies” .can u please explain it

  76. mm said:

    i met a wonderful man that i fell in love with. he said he had not seen anyone for two years only to find out he lied. he was still in love with his married X. she happily went back to her husband and i am stuck with a shell of a man.
    should have left but didn’t. i am sorry i stayed but he is a big part of my family and my children love him’

  77. Carol Eidson said:

    I’m really excited about this. Please tell me more. I’ve been alone a long time and I’m looking for my soul mate. Please help me find and keep him. I’m ready for more. Tell me how to get started now. I’m waiting on the next session..
    Thanks
    Carol

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