A Dating Lesson From Sir Lancelot: A Method For Winning Hearts

embracing your passion

It’s both a love story and an action movie.  Richard Gere’s portrayal of Lancelot was fantastic, and the pain you feel for King Arthur (played by Sean Connery)  is only matched by the longing to see Guinevere and Lancelot give in to the heart-pounding lust they feel for each other.

In the opening scene we discover Lancelot dueling commoners with his broadsword to make money.  After easily defeating each of the brave men that stepped forward, one man in particular wanted to know how he had managed a particular maneuver that disarmed him.

He was fascinated by the skill that had just rendered him defenseless.  He craved the knowledge that could give him equal power.

You may remember Lancelot’s reply.  It became a theme in the plot of the story, responsible for his rapid rise in King Arthur’s Court and the passionate relationship with Guinevere.

Lancelot showed the young man the technique, and explained that its successful execution required something special.  He said, “You must not care whether you live or die.”

This is how he approached his relationship with Guinevere.  He brought a level of passion and persistence that could not be ignored despite seemingly insurmountable challenges.  He poured his very being into his love for Guinevere, knowing full well that if his passion was denied his heart would break.  Those are high-stakes to be playing with.

embracing your passionHere’s the lesson.  When you allow yourself to truly desire a man, your fear will rise to match the level of desire you feel.  Think about that.  The more you want something, the more you become afraid of losing it.  It’s unfortunate but true that men can sense a woman’s fear, often mentally interpreting it as a clingy neediness or trap.

Men value freedom above all else.  It’s one of the things that make men act differently than women.  They like to feel in control of their world.  They don’t like to answer to anyone.

When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion.  While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies.  Do this and you will become intoxicating to him.

He will sense it when you achieve this.  No, that’s wrong.  Sensing something is like a tingling awareness.  His experience will be more like the first breath of oxygen after holding his breath underwater for two minutes.  It will be profoundly different from the smothering fear he has experienced as he contemplates dating other women. 

Men do not want to be trapped, but I’m sure you have known a man who repeatedly said they just weren’t ready for a commitment, only to get engaged two months after meeting someone that swept him off his feet.

How do you pull it off?  How do you create an experience for a man (and yourself for that matter) of life-affirming passion paired with the freedom of reckless abandon?

These are the secrets of Irresistible attraction.  Your instincts and intuition will teach you the way if you start today and strive each following day to bring these qualities to your interactions with men.  You can also speed your learning curve with some techniques that make the process easier in our training materials available here.

Rooting for your passionate embrace of all that life has to offer,

James Bauer

What Men Secretly Want

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179 thoughts on “A Dating Lesson From Sir Lancelot: A Method For Winning Hearts

  1. Esther said:

    Amazing Amazing Amazing… For lack of better words… Wouldn’t want to miss even a single lesson…. Eargely waiting for lesson 2 through to the 14th …thank you

  2. Carol Eidson said:

    I’m really excited about this. Please tell me more. I’ve been alone a long time and I’m looking for my soul mate. Please help me find and keep him. I’m ready for more. Tell me how to get started now. I’m waiting on the next session..

  3. mm said:

    i met a wonderful man that i fell in love with. he said he had not seen anyone for two years only to find out he lied. he was still in love with his married X. she happily went back to her husband and i am stuck with a shell of a man.
    should have left but didn’t. i am sorry i stayed but he is a big part of my family and my children love him’

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      mm – I wonder why you have commented on here? Do you want someone to tell you it is alright to stay? Or do you want us to tell you to go? I really don’t think you know what you want. You say you “fell in love” with a wonderful man. Love does not just die. And he is still the same wonderful man you fell in love with. So, I am thinking you are actually deeply hurt, because you DO still love him. If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t care, and you’d have gone. You do not say much at all here. You are obviously a woman of few words. Did he talk to you about it, or are you just happily carrying on as though nothing happened? You need to understand that he probably IS still in love with his ex-wife, on some level. As I say, love does not just die. Lots of us still love our ex’s, even though we are not with them any more. There are many different kinds of love. Love is so much better than hate – which makes us bitter. And it is to his credit, in a way, that he DOES still love her and not saying spiteful, nasty things about her. He is clearly a very loving man – and that is to YOUR advantage. He can always love both of you – if you let him. It takes a big heart, and lots of compassion, to be able to do that. She clearly does not want him, and as you say you are left with a shell of a man. But YOU still do have him, not her – for better or worse. It is YOUR job now to fill him up again with love. Do not leave him out in the desert to wilt and die. He is hurting. If you truly love him, try to feel compassion for him and heal his hurt and YOUR relationship, now. Yes, you are hurting, and you need to make this clear, and take some time to heal, but as you have NOT thrown him out, there is a much deeper reason than just that he is part of your family and your children love him. Stop fooling yourself. Be absolutely honest with yourself. It is the only way to find out the TRUTH about what you really feel and want. I would say you have put a shell around your heart to stop yourself from hurting. By doing that, you are living in limbo. Neither one thing nor the other. Just existing. Be brave enough to expose your heart and live your life fully – like Sir Lancelot – not caring whether you live or die. Talk to him in a loving way, and if you cannot do this (I feel you are not a natural “talker”) then SHOW him. Boost him up. Compliment him. Cook his favourite meal. Buy his favourite chocolate, magazine, DVD, CD, tie or shirt, cologne or whatever he likes – some little luxury he wouldn’t get for himself. And make sure you tell him how great he looks and smells in them!! Give him a little kiss in passing, or a pat on the bum. Wrap your arms around him when he’s not expecting it. Get all dressed up and take him out (in his new shirt, tie and cologne). Just SHOW him that you are SO MUCH better than HER – and he is NOT losing out by not having her. On the contrary, he is a very lucky man to still have you (but don’t actually SAY that!). You will gradually win him over and he’ll forget her. There was a reason they got divorced, and that has been reinforced now. YOU still have him. Make the most of it. But at some point you DO need to talk it through, together, rather than brush it under the carpet, to clear the air. You can do it!! Best of luck!! Lorna

  4. Glory said:

    Hi James,i actually don’t understand the part where you say “not caring whether the relationship lives or dies” .can u please explain it

  5. Di said:

    Hi James, I met a guy and we clicked straight away. He had all the chat but I felt this was more from being insecure than a player. I told him he had the chat and I was still sussing him out. We wanted the same things for our lives, liked doing similar activities, he said he didn’t want to just hook up with someone he wanted to be settled, get married and have a child. We liked each other and there was lots of chemistry between us. He textd the next day and asked me if I thought romance was in the air and did I want to see him again. I said yes. Date 2 was great and we spoke more and it came across that he’d had his heart broken before. He said you are going to be trouble and I wonder who is going to break whose heart. I said hopefully neither of us will have our hearts broken. He would tell me how sexy I was often. On date 2 onwards he tried to get me to the bedroom after we had been out but I didn’t get more intimate until date 4 but really on date 5. I asked him on date 4 if he was seeing anyone else and he said nothing had gone past one date so No. Texting was his way of keeping in touch but other than organising dates he didn’t communicate much in between them. He always said how little spare time he had and how busy he was. Doing what I don’t know. He had a very good job but didn’t work late all the time. I thought things were going well though and there was quite a few texts from him during the week leading to date 5. On date 5 I slept with him and stayed over. He said he was so not used to it and it had been a while. I do believe him. He textd me that night and the next day he was going away for 4 days on holiday to see his family. The day he came back I had a horrible gut feeling and couldn’t sleep, he didn’t get in touch the day he returned which I thought he would. You would think since us being more intimate he would be wanting to arrange the next date. I couldn’t wait to see if he was going to get in touch so I textd him the next day. He replied and when I asked when we were meeting up (he always asked me before so this was the first time I asked him) he said we could go cycling on the Sunday. Part of me thought this was nice as it meant us doing something other than going for dinner and drinks but on the other hand I wondered why he didn’t want to repeat what happened on date 5. Was he scared. We had a nice cycle and there were a few flirtations from him. We got soaked in the rain so he didn’t come back into my flat although he said he would love to stop. He said I’ll text you. 4 days go by and I hear nothing. I wasn’t going to get in touch but gave in as I deserve to know what’s happening. I sent how’s your week been, do you want to meet up one night next week and go out somewhere. (So there was no pressure to be indoors and get intimate if that was the problem, I know he is busy this weekend and wanted to show him I was too so suggested next week). He has replied ‘Hi, I’d like that but I’m not sure when at this point. I have a friend staying this weekend, I’m in the midst of earnings season and im off to the US for work next weekend. So it’s all a bit manic. How are you doing?’. I really would like your advice on how best to reply. I do really like him but I now don’t know if he just wanted sex all along, or did it scare him that we got quite intense and he said he wasn’t used to it. If he had gone off me why text afterwards and also go a cycle with me. Your advice is much appreciated.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Di. I’m glad to see you are diving in and working hard to apply new ideas in your dating life. For detailed questions like this, please submit it to our private advice consultation service. You can find it here.


  6. L Cruz said:

    Hi James! Ok here’s my comment I’m gonna try n make this short n sweet. My guy is amazing but he comes from a privileged home. His relationship with his mom is a bit strained, but its bc he resents her for being too overprotective and I mean he’s 27 and she still calls to ask if he ate today. He resents his mom but still relies on her to do things like his laundry. My guy is 27 I’m 32. I already know I’m a lot more experienced than him wen it comes to adult life. He’s just moved into his first place last year and my first mistake is that I’m here nearly every day. No, literally. Me being 32 and having taken care of my own place many times, I’m over the phase of having company every night and having no real decorations in my home, and pizza boxes everywhere. I feel myself becoming more like his mom than his gf. Cooking for him, cleaning up after him, and checking to make sure he’s okay have kind of worked against me. But its in my nature to do these things for ppl I care for. Wen I am unappreciated for it, I become angry and resentful. Which in turn, he gets mean and cold. We then argue abt stupid ish and the relationship gets off track. I’ve thrown things and even hit him before. He says he loves me and has remained in spite of me slapping him and breaking his TV on accident. I get really angry. Bc in my past, I see myself giving of myself so much and being unappreciated that is has become a pattern and I begin to feel inadequate or unworthy, which in turn only has negative effects on how others view me as well, esp my bf. The lack of self esteem only creates more resentment, and that fearless passionate woman has slipped away and starts becoming desperate. Crying and begging. Its an awful pattern… I had one ex that was abusive and one that fathered a child outside our relationship. Others have used me for sex. In another comment I spoke abt giving ur all, but all these things combined make me fear giving my all to a man. I don’t know what will happen in my current situation. My guy gives me mixed signals… Lately I’ve been backing way off bc the last incident with me breaking the TV has got him on edge. He hasn’t held me at night for abt two weeks now and that’s very unusual. Yet he still kisses me on the forehead in the morning before going off to work. Or like last night, his teams the #Cavs won and sometimes he would come talk to me and be all excited, then he would stay away for the rest of the night! One night recently he got drunk and told me that if things don’t change fast, the relationship is done. But I already knew this. I feel AWFUL abt hitting him, (even tho one time was bc he called me a bitch, and the other time was bc he looked me dead in my eyes and said “I don’t f%$@ing need you!” That really stung. What to do James? I’m afraid I already know what you’re gonna say, but let me have it…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hmm…I’d say he’s lucky to have you. And I want to commend you on your choice to look for the best in life and in those around you. You’re off to a great start even though I can understand why you’re frustrated with a few things in this current relationship.

      I’m going to ask you a weird question. It might sound very odd to you, but let it roll around in your mind. You might be surprised at how this question opens up insights about your situation.

      Ready? Okay, here it is. What would it mean if you were not hurt and afraid right now?

      What would have to be different in this relationship for that to happen? How would you have to think differently if nothing really changed about him, yet you felt good about yourself?

      How would you have to think differently so that this problem where you serve other people’s needs and then feel badly when they take you for granted was no longer an issue? For that to happen, what would have to be different about your approach to all relationships? How about this one?

      Don’t rush to an answer. Spend a day or two pondering this. You might be surprised at how you start to feel less trapped and more empowered.


  7. L said:

    been dating a guy for seven months… he is lovely.. we even told each other playfully one time that we love each other when were both a little drunk… but he insisted that it should remain unconditional and I agreed.. he has never let me down in any way… if we make a plan he sticks to it… always.. we do fun things together.. he is very playful… we go hiking, dinners, intimate togetherness… lots of laughter.. music.. dancing… everything I like.. he loves to cook dinner for me and make cocktails… he wants to be the one spoiling me with time and affection and he doesn’t want me to do anything like even take a glass to the sink if I am at his place… we are like two kids just having a ton of fun.. I don’t want to spoil this in any way … but one thing he told me is that he will never marry or live with a woman as he did it once and it was a disaster… last night I said to him that he should not be too fearful to show me his heart because I would never smother him.. I was kinda testing the waters… he actually held me more tenderly and even stroked my cheek when I said that… he is so wonderful … how can I get him to see that I just want what he wants… and that I truely will never hold him back from what he likes to do because I do know that freedom is KEY to any man or woman.. here’s the thing.. I am 14 years older but he says it doesnt matter and I believe him but sometimes I just wonder.. I am a very confident woman… .. I just want to know how to keep things just the way they are or make it better.. I want him to be the leader in organising our dates yet sometimes I do want to contribute to some outings without seeming manipulative or trying to take the lead….. some experts say you should always wait for a man to come into your space and not lean into his.. my friends say I should ask for a commitment otherwise he will just keep believing I am his play thing.. I don’t think so but what do you suggest?

    • James Bauer said:

      It sounds like you’ve created an amazing relationship with this man. Congratulations on that!

      You never really came right out and said it, but I’m guessing a part of you wonders if your friends are right. Maybe you do need to demand a commitment from him.

      But before you dive into that kind of demand, let me advise you to figure out exactly what it is you want. After all, “a commitment” is only something we desire because of the benefits we believe it will bring. So get really clear (in your own mind) about what benefits you feel are missing right now. What is it you want that the relationship is not providing? Is it a promise to be together forever? Is it a promise to be exclusive? Is it a stated intention to move toward a different type of relationship?

      Figuring that out will help you to approach your man with the right kinds of questions. You might even find a way to meet the need/desire you have without violating his present stance on what he wants to avoid.


  8. Brandy said:

    Hi there. Just signed up for my free trial. I’ve been dating a man for two years. I’m 41, he is 46. It was the first relationship either of us had after being married for several years. Everything was going great, things were getting pretty serious and we were exclusive for the past year. A month or so ago he tells me that the relationship is getting to serious, he wants space, wants to be able to date others, but still would like to date me as well. Never gave me any reasons of what went wrong, just that he doesn’t want to be tied down in a relationship after being married for 23 years. How do I go from exclusive serious relationship to “friend zone” again? I feel like I’m the “back up plan” if he doesn’t find anything better. Is there a chance he’ll see how lucky he would be to have me? Should I even date him at all or just try and be friends and let things happen naturally?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Brandy. Think about what you want from the relationship. Does it seem likely to you that he wants to give you the things you are seeking from a relationship?

      If not, consider that you may be asking the wrong question. It may be that you’re better off seeking another partner rather than trying to be with a man who probably would not bring the happiness you seek.

      I know that’s probably not the answer you were hoping for. And I’m sorry for that. But in the long run, you will be happier when you clear the seat next to you so someone else can recognize the open space. As long as this man is taking up the seat next to you, the guy who is right for you will pass right on by. Open the space next to you.

      This guy did do one thing right. He was honest with you. That empowers you to make choices about what’s going to work best in your life. Do the same for him. Be honest with him about your choice to move on. Once in a great while, that causes a man to wake up and realize what he’s about to lose. But for that to be something good, he would need to experience a sudden change of heart regarding his desire for a relationship. Remember, in this case it’s not about you. It’s about finding a match with someone who wants the same things as you.


  9. fatoum-yasco97 said:

    what an advice!!!!. I like it!!! hope it’s hopefull for the others as well. waiting for the next one(advices).

  10. Nika said:

    I’m heartbroken. I rarely meet guys that I’m actually attracted to. Well I met one this Summer and that ended quickly (about a month) so I went to dating advice articles non-stop. Then on Thanksgiving night I was out enjoying a girls night and met a guy that I was extremely attracted to. He was inconsistent from the start (1st date) he didn’t follow through on his plans. I thought what a jerk! We tried a couple of more times and nothing so I cut ties. Well we wound up reconnecting and actually going on a date. It was great!!!! We went on numerous other dates, talking regularly, etc. Well fast forward to Superbowl weekend (that’s when I noticed the pulling away). All I got was a text on V-day. We weren’t in an exclusive dating relationship just to point out. I told him I was upset about how he handled vday so it was some back and forth texting. He asked if we could talk. Set a time and never showed. I thought things were going good. I was really starting to like him. I don’t know what went wrong 🙁 I’m very social so I try not to be needy but I am super frustrated with dating because I desire to.be.married and have a family (I’m 38). Why are the two men that I’ve actually been attracted to run off so quickly. One didn’t even last a month and the other maybe 3 months. I know this sounds absolutely nuts as I type this…but is there a way to get the 3 month guy to come back around? I’m not contacting him since a have a miniscule amount of pride left but I can’t lie. I do want him 🙁 I’m preparing to not get him but wondered if it’s possible?

    • James Bauer said:


      I’m sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. To answer your question, yes, it is still possible that the spark that initially brought you together could be rekindled.

      The key is keeping the door open.

      Right now that means doing nothing for a few weeks, and then sending him a text once every week or two. Focus on shared humor, positive thoughts, and other non-relationship topics. It’s just a way of keeping the door open.

      One day, he might be in a place (emotionally) where he wants to find a relationship to commit to. You’ll be among the first people that come to mind, and you’ll be just a text away.


  11. Ikeria said:

    I am in love with this guy a year older than me. We have known each other for a couple of months now. When he first discovered that i was interested in him, he just got out of a relationship with his ex and there was a lot of drama. So i blocked him out of my life. Then recently, he came back in. He gave me compliments, saying i good i looked. Then we would hug and his hands would rome and squeeze places like any guy would. We were both upset one day and we were talking about it. Again we were hugging and he was filling me up. He gave me the impression that he wanted me to kiss him so i did and he kissed me back. Then He asked me what i was doing and i played dumb. He was saying how he felt so stupid and he just go out of a relationship but yet he stayed were he was holding me, picked me up and kissed my forehead. I keep playing these memories over and over again in my head, but i just don’t get it. Why ? I feel so stupid to let him play with my emotions like that but at the same time it felt so good. It is nice to have some attention all to yourself every once n a while. But Why? Can you answer my question James?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Ikeria. It’s best to focus on the direction you want to take things. It pulls you out of the passive roll.

      What do you want with this guy? Decide what you want. Then invite him into your life (on your terms).

      If he does not show a desire to answer your subtle invitations (small steps in the right direction) then you know he’s not really interested in what you want. In that case you should move on. But if he responds, then continue to guide him through subtle gestures that invite him toward a real relationship. One step at a time.


  12. seorim said:

    Hello I am seorim by name and I am gay. Three weeks ago I meet this guy that I fall deeply in love with, but he is not been sensitive to my emotion. Anytime I ask if he is in a relationship? He always respond that it is complicated and do not want to talk about it. How do I get him to love me back?? I can’t stand the chance to lose him and I notice he is always too formal with me anytime we chat. Please help me I am losing my mind

  13. Kelly said:

    I recently discovered that a guy I like, likes me back. We are in the same graduate school program (a small program of 55 students so it’s very intimate and we spend all day long, every day with each other- which can complicate things). We began spending time together and decided that we would just take things slow and see what happens and where things go. He has some BIG reservations about starting anything serious with the program that we are in and seems to have been holding back from the beginning. We just spent 3 weeks over the holidays apart at our respective homes and the communication between us dwindled. We are back at school now and have yet to spend time together outside of class (alone). Looking at the situation from the outside I would immediately think “he’s not interested- move on” but he gives me so many mixed signals that I’m having a hard time trying to figure out where he’s at and what’s going through his head. I just asked him after class tonight if he would have some time this weekend to meet up for some coffee or go for a walk and he said yes. I am planning on talking to him about our situation and what’s going on with it but I can’t decide how to go about it.
    Do you have any advice on how to handle the situation (specifically our conversation in two days)? Do I ask him what he’s thinking and if he wants to continue this or do I just tell him that it doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page and that I need to walk away from it? I don’t want to give up on the potential for something great between us (there was enormous potential before break when this all started) but at the same time I don’t want to be stuck in a situation (again) where I care way more than he does and in the end I’m just not QUITE what he was looking for.
    Thank you!

    • James Bauer said:

      Kelly, I think your original plan is a good one. I think you should stick with it. In other words, just see where things go. Casually spend time together when it’s convenient. Don’t force it. Don’t force communication about where things are going at this point. This will prevent him from feeling pressured while also giving you time to ensure he wants to pursue you too.

      • Kelly said:

        Thank you so much for your prompt response James!
        I would like to let you know that I followed your advice and did not bring up the topic of “us” and just casually met up and spent some time together this past weekend. We met up for coffee and ended up sitting there talking for four hours. The time just flew by and the conversation was constant and easy and fun. Although I still have no clue if this is something he wants to pursue still, it did feel great to just sit and talk with him and enjoy some time together. I’m still confused by his lack of talking to me outside of class (he doesn’t text me anymore) but I feel a little hopeful after he willingly spent four hours sitting outside at a coffee shop with me. My plan is just to back off and let him take his time deciding if he wants to pursue something with me. I’m just afraid that we will be stuck in this stagnant situation where I won’t find out what he really wants out of this situation.
        Thank you again for your advice. I look forward to the daily email lessons that I have been getting from you each day!

  14. Sandy said:

    Hello James! I need your advice. He is my schoolmate. Every time I see him in school, my heart beats so fast, and every time when he are near, my heart is always overreacting it feels like there are butterflies in my stomach .I don’t like him and I don’t have a feelings for him but I don’t know why he is always on my mind and in my dreams also, even though I’m not thinking of him anymore. I don’t know what I feel about him. But my heart is always reacting for him I don’t know why.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sandy. I understand why this confuses you. If you don’t love him, why does your body react as if you care so much?

      Perhaps the answer is that you deeply desire his approval. For some reason you respect him in a way that makes you want to give him a certain impression about yourself. This generates a bit of “fight or flight” physiological reaction to the anxiety about how he will perceive you. It’s nothing to worry about.

      If you want to get rid of that feeling, tell yourself you don’t care whether he approves of you or not.

  15. Mavis Meyer sevenpinesgmmm@frontiernet.net said:

    Waiting to hear the rest of the story

  16. Maru said:

    Detachment from results. No expectations, no disappointments. You can’t make someone love you. Just make sure you’re loving yourself.

  17. Millie said:

    Yes my husband said he doesn’t want to be control by nobody but I see he does let his mom controlling . Plus when I try to spend time or push the subject he kind of pushing away he said he doesn’t want anybody told him what to do

  18. Ads said:

    First I would like to say hello James I really wish I hadnt have lost my job last month as i would have loved the ability to order your guidebook hopefully I will have the oppertunity once I am gainfully employees somewhere again. But I am hoping you may be able to help me make the corrent disearnment in my current situation. I have a reputation among my close frien we and family managers of being somewhat of a commitment phobic as well as having quite possibly one of least disirable lists of partners I tended to end up with guys that either ended up with either a substance abuse addiction that turned out relationship into a financial and emotional drain on me till I had to kick them to the curb or in the case of the father of my child he was all ofbthat and ended up having a break down and was diagnosed schitzoactive with a bipolar charge…that’s where I decided to focus on myself and step out of the dating world for almost six years. It was a time I focused on myself and my daughter’s needs then once I knew what I was looking for to be the best me I could and provide the best I could for my child it was time to start casually dating to see if there may be room for a someone special in my life after all. Yet it took only a few months before I had decided that I really may be my happiest as a single mom. Of course as fate or luck or God tend to do (whatever belief system 1 chooses to view life) As I went to delete myself from the online dating sceneI fell into one mutual attraction where we chose to exchange phone numbers to talk as we were both getting rid of our online profiles when we happened upon eachb others profile. It has been only 3 months but there is an openess and connection that is very special and rare he and I felt it almost immediately and we found that we have such similar hobbies and interests same religious beliefs and goals for ourselves and our children etc…however that is where the advice is needed…it has only been 3 months and we have never met in person yet as we aren on separate states…we talk and text every single and we have this amazing ability to be open sand discuss anything with each other with out judgement. We have actually both admitted that we believe that we are truelly soulmates in the truest biblical form as in God fashioned my life and soul for the purpose of completing his soul. We both had plans to move into the same building the same week of January 2016 that we were saving up for before meeting. He and I opened up about where we felt this was gonna go and we both felt that as long as we don’t let ourselves rush and push things but continue to go with the flow of what is unfolding naturally to be sure things and up as they are meant to that we hope to be married one day. Now when there is an attraction that comes quick and strong there will be close friends/family that are going to have opinions…one of my closests friends knows that I met someone and that we havnt yet met in person but that it seems to be moving way to quickly as an outsider looking in she believes I have been seduced by the idea of a relationship making me easily manipulated by a man she believes must be desperate and lonely. I can see where her concerns could potentially plant the seeds of doubt which is why I am seeking your honest advice…I don’t want myself nor him to be hurt due to an inability to hold off an emotional connection. We neither one were looking we had accepted following our goals for ourselves and our babies and were content to do so solo. We both felt a connection just based on Our profiles that has lead to a romantic connection based on common goals music taste out intellect and our personalities we have found that we both handle stress and negative emotions the same way and therefore have been able to instinctively respect eachb others need for alone time self reflection and privacy…we are able to be totally honest with one another even about the most difficult and taboo topics out there from theology to politics we challenge and have this level of acceptance and respect I have never felt with another human being. And the fact that he takes the time just to text me a good morning and checks in a couple times a day in a simple I hope your day is going well or today he randomly messaged me saying I was ridiculously pretty and that he hoped that wasn’t offensive knowing we both agree that our attraction to one another is more substancial than a simple phisical one. Allni know for sure is how we both feel toward each other and the fact that I now have had seeds of doubt placed … (especially knowing he and I collectively have four young children that we have to consider as we build toward our furtures) I need to know is it ever the real true healthy mutually loving relationship worth is continuing to move forward with or since its not been a long stretch or are we just two people blinded by a chemical reaction at a time that we needed companionship more than we are aware of leading us to be overly naive by giving each other our trust honesty and loyalty and showing our vulnerabilities that will turn into nothing more than a heartbreaking failure?

  19. Donna said:

    Hi James
    Thank you so much for the incouraging advice. I have been married once for 16 years. After my divorce I met someone who I loved very much. In the begging he made a comment that stuck in my heart. ” My ex was My soul mate”. For 5 years I felt like I had to prove myself better than this other person who I later found out treated him terribly. After we broke up. I made all the classic break up mistakes calling texting and trying to make get the relationship back. Only recently did I realize that I deserve mutual love and respect which I felt cheated of during the relationship. My self respect and esteem was completely shattered. I’m middle 40’s trying to start over again. I look forward to tips on my self love to heal a broken heart before trying to find someone new.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hmmm, yes, I hear you, Donna. That is a painful lesson to learn. But fortunately, you’ve proven yourself to be wise enough not to repeat the same mistake. You are standing on a strong foundation. Your choice to build up your own self-love will take you a long way in the world of relationships.


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