Protect Yourself from False Relationships. And Get A Guy That Makes Your Heart Sing

finding a true relationshipAngie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.

I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.

In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”

This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.

We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!

The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.

Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality, and Influence Your Chances of Finding a True Relationship.

So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.

The new belief went like this: “I fully accept all the love and joy I experience because of my open embrace of a man who truly knows how to make my heart sing.”

This was a very personal affirmation for Angie. There is deep personal meaning in the particular words she chose. But it contains a general theme that’s helpful for many women. A positive expectation for something truly worthwhile.

finding a true relationshipIn fact, that affirmation embodies one of the themes you will find in much of my advice about men, dating, and even yourself. Expect the best, demand the best, embrace the best, and you will get the best out of men and your relationships with them. It’s not just a catchy theme. It’s a rock solid foundation for real life results.

But I need to warn you about something when it comes to finding a true relationship.

I encourage you to give deeply of yourself in relationships. I encourage you to find special ways of demonstrating respect to bring out the best in the men you meet. But there is a warning that must go along with these positive expectations and selfless expressions of love:

Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.

I wish I did not need to write this particular email, but this is a twin truth that forms the whole. There are men that are not your equal. There are men that do not deserve you.

It is important to me that you recognize this and that you recognize your authority and right to take all measures necessary to release yourself from interaction with toxic men.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that is abusive, bring the full power of your mind to the immediate first step of leaving that relationship behind.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that threatens or uses fear of any kind to manipulate you, no amount of respect will make that relationship into a good one.

Here is the message I want to make clear. The respect principle is a tool to empower you , as a woman, to bring out the very best in a man and cause him to feel attracted to you. But it has no place in a relationship with a man who does not intrinsically desire to reciprocate that respect.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me call your attention to your own affirmations. I want to encourage you to fully commit to finding a partner who can join you in creating lasting love and happiness. That kind of commitment can be difficult if you have had negative experiences with men in the past.

In the end, a commitment stems from a solid decision about what you want to pursue with your life. As such, your commitments are powerful shapers of your future.

A commitment is a promise to take action. The action of bringing your attention back to the decisions you made for your life over and over again. A commitment means sticking with your decision even in the face of disappointments.

What decisions have you made about the kind of relationship you will be a part of? Have you made a choice yet? Have you committed in your heart and mind to pursue the very best kind of relationship?

Your commitments will serve as protection against false relationships. And they will create powerful magnetic attraction with the right kind of man you truly desire. Make your commitments strong.


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99 thoughts on “Protect Yourself from False Relationships. And Get A Guy That Makes Your Heart Sing

  1. Kekumu said:

    Hi James I need some help or thoughts on this matter; young men’s attraction for older women. At first I was not aware of it until IT introduced itself from out of the blue! One day I was seeing a friend to his car and he called to me from across the way. On the way back I found he had crossed over to where I would be walking back and greeted me. We talked and as I turned to be on my way, he called me and asked me a question. If he could give me a hug? I smiled and we hugged, it felt like forever. Did I say I am a very intuitive person. What stood out for me is that he was strategic on his moves. Another time he brought me flowers and said he was thinking of me and left. After sometime he started stalking me (non violent) so I should say pursuing me. Now a lot of friends, family and strangers say I look young for my age however don’t feel that way and at some point old is old. I don’t do make up and am comfortable without it. I will share that this young man is intelligent, matured mentally and has a nice attitude about him. I have not been in a relationship in awhile and am ok with it. Also, I take care of my grandchildren and they fill my life with a lot of happiness and good energy. I will say I’m flattered but not fluttered. I just need to know, is this attraction in general healthy because for me there will always be the age difference and I feel at some point that could be a gap? I’d appreciate your sharing on this 🙂

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Kekumu. I would trust your gut on this one. Something tells you it’s not a healthy match despite the fact that he seems well grounded and capable of deciding who he is attracted to.

  2. Cheri Bishop said:

    James how do I get in touch with you to ask you about a situation that I am in? I can’t make my heart forget him or stop loving him and I desperately need to.
    Thank you for your time.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Cheri. I’m flattered that you would want to consult me on that, but I’m very sad you are going through that pain right now. I’m not currently taking private clients, but you might find some comfort in an article I wrote about this topic. The pain of letting go.

      You might also experience a positive emotional boost by reading The Reset Button (a short report by my friend, Amy Waterman) which is all about letting go of emotional pain.

  3. victorine said:

    Good morning. Thank you for the post. It has touched my heart. I am in a relationship for 11 months today only talking with the Guy in phone. I have never seen him, each time he promised to come so we can talk things over, he will end up not coming. The last time he promised coming, the day he was to come, when I called him he only said, I will call you and never called. I am feeling as not to answer his phone again because I am afraid he is a wrong guy ffor me. What do you advise me to do?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Victorine. Well I can’t give you direct advice for your unique situation, but I can offer some thoughts about similar situations.

      If you have built a relationship completely over the phone, and you are not satisfied with the idea of leaving it that way, then beginning an in-person relationship is necessary for your happiness.
      It would stand to reason then, that if he is not willing to move forward toward that step, then regardless of what compatibilities you had as conversationalists over the phone, it’s not a relationship that will ultimately meet your needs.

      However, I often talk to people who have irrational fears about that first meeting. Sometimes it’s because they have failed to divulge something about themselves. Something they fear will change your affection. So that is something that may be worth exploring before giving up on a person who continues to invest time in a relationship with you over the phone.

  4. Tanya said:

    Hello, really could use your advice. A few months ago my husband of 24 years started a flirting relationship with a much younger coworker including calls, texts and snapchats outside of working hours. Next I found he contacted a prostitute but he claimed he never met up with her. A few days later I checked his phone and he created a profile on a dating website. He apologized for everything and swore it would never happen again. He gave me his passwords and deleted the accts. I’m trying to believe him but I cannot get over it all. I just can’t. I’m not eating or sleeping and I’m seeing a therapist which is not helping. What do you think? Is this marriage salvageable?

    • James Bauer said:

      Tanya, I don’t want to sound flippant or ignore the pain and hardship you are facing right now. But here’s the truth as I see it.

      Anything is possible for two people who decide they want to create something beautiful again, even after missteps and wrong choices like these.

      So the real question is this. Does he genuinely want to lead this relationship back toward something you both want to be a part of? Don’t hold the responsibility on yourself. Instead, invite him to take that roll and consider explaining to him that you don’t have it in you to lead when you feel so hurt…so if he wants this to work he needs to show you what he’s got. (This is a way of activating his hero instinct).


      • Tanya said:

        Thank you for your thoughts James. I really appreciate it. Everyone is telling me to leave. It’s helpful to hear another opinion.

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        Dear Tanya, I really, really feel so much for your pain and anquish – I know how unbearable that heartbreak can be. It makes you feel sick to the very pit of your stomach. I used to howl like a wolf, trying to get the pain out, when going through the desolation of my divorce. However, I would absolutely say, “No” – do NOT act in haste, on this one. You WILL be feeling absolutely hellish and will NOT be in a good place, at the moment, to make a wise decision. Give yourself the time and space to come to terms with it. To carefully think it through. This is a very serious matter, if he has never done this before. You absolutely need to have all the facts. You need to understand WHY he did this in the first place. There must have been a reason. Maybe he is feeling insecure and vulnerable. It is not easy for men to grow older – their self-respect and macho image is so important to them. They begin to feel pushed-out at work by the younger guys, and doubt their ability to perform (in various ways!). I know my husband suffered terribly from this – and because we were unable to talk together, I didn’t help much. You need to address that, together. As James says – “dig into the dirt”. You need to MAKE HIM understand that he has to be absolutely open and honest with you, completely transparent, keeping no secrets, telling no lies, if you are to consider trying to get over the heartache and forgive him, and trust him again. I would say HE needs counselling, too – probably together with you is best – but he may feel he can open up better on his own. That should be a condition of you going forward and trying to get the marriage back on track. AND – DO NOT listen to people who say you should leave, unless YOU are convinced that that is what YOU want. Clearly – you do not believe in your heart that that is the solution – or else you would not be on this forum asking whether “this marriage is salvageable”. Take the time to really, really search your heart and soul as to what YOU think is the best plan. And don’t feel guilty about doing that. It is NOTHING to do with anyone else (except your husband, of course – and even then, it has to be what YOU want, first and foremost). But do not act in haste, please, and do not let him get away with it, either, until you feel absolutely at ease about it, and can honestly forgive him. It may take quite some time. Sweeping it under the carpet and pretending that you are OK with it will not work – it will come back to haunt you, and you will never feel at ease with him and trust him. Maybe the answer WILL be to leave and start afresh again, at some point – but that is a HUGE decision and will forever have repercussions – with the whole family. You don’t say whether you have children. It is not always an easy answer. Believe me, it causes ripples and ripples – and it affects even grown-up children, as with mine, causing endless heartache, and division of loyalty. So whatever decision you make needs careful thought. Read some of James’ old articles, they are very, very helpful. I wish you well, and hope it all works out for the best. Lorna

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