Protect Yourself from False Relationships. And Get A Guy That Makes Your Heart Sing

finding a true relationshipAngie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.

I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.

In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”

This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.

We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!

The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.

Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality, and Influence Your Chances of Finding a True Relationship.

So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.

The new belief went like this: “I fully accept all the love and joy I experience because of my open embrace of a man who truly knows how to make my heart sing.”

This was a very personal affirmation for Angie. There is deep personal meaning in the particular words she chose. But it contains a general theme that’s helpful for many women. A positive expectation for something truly worthwhile.

finding a true relationshipIn fact, that affirmation embodies one of the themes you will find in much of my advice about men, dating, and even yourself. Expect the best, demand the best, embrace the best, and you will get the best out of men and your relationships with them. It’s not just a catchy theme. It’s a rock solid foundation for real life results.

But I need to warn you about something when it comes to finding a true relationship.

I encourage you to give deeply of yourself in relationships. I encourage you to find special ways of demonstrating respect to bring out the best in the men you meet. But there is a warning that must go along with these positive expectations and selfless expressions of love:

Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.

I wish I did not need to write this particular email, but this is a twin truth that forms the whole. There are men that are not your equal. There are men that do not deserve you.

It is important to me that you recognize this and that you recognize your authority and right to take all measures necessary to release yourself from interaction with toxic men.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that is abusive, bring the full power of your mind to the immediate first step of leaving that relationship behind.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that threatens or uses fear of any kind to manipulate you, no amount of respect will make that relationship into a good one.

Here is the message I want to make clear. The respect principle is a tool to empower you , as a woman, to bring out the very best in a man and cause him to feel attracted to you. But it has no place in a relationship with a man who does not intrinsically desire to reciprocate that respect.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me call your attention to your own affirmations. I want to encourage you to fully commit to finding a partner who can join you in creating lasting love and happiness. That kind of commitment can be difficult if you have had negative experiences with men in the past.

In the end, a commitment stems from a solid decision about what you want to pursue with your life. As such, your commitments are powerful shapers of your future.

A commitment is a promise to take action. The action of bringing your attention back to the decisions you made for your life over and over again. A commitment means sticking with your decision even in the face of disappointments.

What decisions have you made about the kind of relationship you will be a part of? Have you made a choice yet? Have you committed in your heart and mind to pursue the very best kind of relationship?

Your commitments will serve as protection against false relationships. And they will create powerful magnetic attraction with the right kind of man you truly desire. Make your commitments strong.

James


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99 thoughts on “Protect Yourself from False Relationships. And Get A Guy That Makes Your Heart Sing

  1. tara said:

    James, This is by far the best article I have read about relationships. And, trust me, I have read many!! In my opinion it cuts straight to the stuck point. i just ended a lovely and long relationship of convenience with a lovely man whose relationship goals/ abilities were too different than mine. Somewhere along the line I lost sight of my goals and allowed my needs to go unmet for the sake of the relationship. Next time I will “keep my eye on the prize” and keep my commitments to myself first, then his.
    Thank you for this ah ha moment!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Tara. I appreciate your encouraging remarks. It helps more than you realize when people like you go out of their way to give me feedback about what was helpful to them.

      James

  2. Pippa said:

    Hi James, hope you can help me. I am in love with a man who is 14 years younger than me and we had been seeing each other for over 3 years, although we neither of us wanted to commit when we first met as I had been through a difficult marriage and divorce and he had a problem with our age difference. But we had so much in common and our sex life was amazing. He has now met a girl who is 5 years younger than him and a fitness trainer. He made the time to come over and tell me that she was moving in with him because he wanted to tell me himself because of all we had meant to each other. We have since kept in touch daily by text and he has said it would be good to meet up and stay friends. Would love to know what to do to get back with him and wonder what advice you would give me. Pippa

  3. Adaku said:

    Hi James, I am a 38yr writing from Nigeria. I have never been in any relationship for the past 5 yrs and the ones I have been in previously seems I will always fall for men that will always leave me for some one else. Getting dates now at my age has become so difficult that the only interest I have is a colleague at work who is 5yrs younger and it’s in a relationship with a younger girl in another town. He receives her call in my presence, does everything to let me know she is the one….. I want to end it but can’t cos he is the only male acquaintance I have. I feel so lonely and messed up. What can I do…. Men leave for me someone else but I have never made anyone leave some one for me all my life. Don’t you think something is wrong with me

    • James Bauer said:

      I’m sure there is nothing wrong with you, Adaku. I understand the pool of available people begins to decline as you get older, but there are still men out there seeking a partner your age. I challenge you to spend at least 10 minutes trying to write a list. Write a list of places where the kind of man you might want to meet is likely to show up on a regular basis. Then think of excuses to show up in those places on a regular basis.

      Next, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Spend time getting to know (and possibly casually dating) several men at a time. Some will leave. That’s perfectly normal. But you might find the right guy enjoys your company as much as you enjoy his.

      James

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        I understand how you feel, Adaku. I have been divorced for 7 years after almost 40 years together – I am now 67 – but I still want to find that special person to share the rest of my life with, and have found it really hard. Loads of men come onto me, but I only want that special “one”. We all need to be loved, and you should not feel guilty about that – it is a very basic human NEED. However, we have to make a real effort to meet people – they will not materialize if we are sitting alone at home. It is difficult, as I know. I suggest you join lots of clubs. Clubs which have your interests at heart. Be it music, literature, dancing, exercise, sport, volunteering – whatever turns YOU on. It does not have to be expensive. As James says, try making a list – then be proactive and do something about it. Even if you do not find the man of your dreams – you will meet lots of interesting people, and maybe make lots of new girlfriends you can do other things with. Any sort of friendship/relationship is important to human beings. We are herd animals and crave being together. You sound like a really lovely person, I am sure you have lots to offer the world and your fellow human beings. By giving love, you WILL receive it back, too. Forget about NOT BEING loved. Just be a shining beacon – keep giving it out and it will surely return, in some form or another. This is the LAW OF ATTRACTION principle. I wish you luck and love, and send you a big hug and a kiss. Lorna x

  4. sue said:

    Hi James,
    Thanks for your articles being a newbie to this I loved them. My question is same as above 2 guests. I actually was in love with a guy who had just divorced from 6 mths of marriage and 6-7 yrs of relationship and wasn’t ready for new relationship. None of us were looking for relationship but fell into it as we shared the same house. He obviously liked me but wasn’t ready for a relationship as he told me that he liked me but wanted to take it slow as his life was in a mess. We both were very attracted to each other but he never wanted to hurt me so resisted himself. He did care for me while I was there, and I felt that there was some force drawing me to him but considering his situation I decided to move out of the house and eventually out of the country as I didn’t want to be into something uncertain. It’s been a few years now, I don’t think he went into any other relationship as he’s trying to get his career on track. I did try to contact him a couple of times but the communication from his side has been only upto the point obviously, as we are not in the same country anymore. It’s been a couple of years now and both of us are single (I assume he is from his profile , not sure though) but I’m not sure if he likes me like that as he never initiated any communication from his side after I left. What do you think of this ? Do you think I should try to contact him again or leave it or is there any hope for this ?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sue. My first thought is that this would be an inconvenient relationship for both of you since you’re living in separate countries. It’s hard to see where things might go when you don’t really have the opportunity to interact much unless you take a huge risk and move closer to each other. At this point in the relationship, since there was only uncertainty before, I think you’d be better off seeking out one of the many eligible men who you have yet to discover within your own town or region.

      Is it possible to rekindle the flame long distance? Yes. But I advise that you don’t put all your eggs in that basket. Seek out other opportunities to meet eligible men while reciprocating to any kind of communication this guy reaches out to you with.

      James

      • sue said:

        Thanks James appreciate your reply.Ive been meeting others but im not finding a connection yet.

  5. Jen said:

    I met this guy that I REALLY like. He’s been divorced twice and is last girlfriend was more than 3 years ago. He hadn’t dated anyone until he asked me out. He has told me is no rush for a relationship and we have a GREAT time together. He’s stuck in his routine and I only get to see him about once a week. Which I didn’t complain about. Well, I made a fool of myself and did the number wrong thing and got upset one night when he didn’t want me to stay and ended up sending him numerous texts that night telling him how upset I was Anyway, the next day I apologized repeatedly he told me he doesn’t like drama and that me having to keep harping on it is drama. That he knows I want to do faster than he does and that he knows he’s stubborn and set in his ways. I know he’s not dating anyone else and that I’m the only one that he hangs out with and stays over, I just don’t if I have ruined what could be a great relationship or if I’ve been wasting my time. Any thoughts?

  6. NANA said:

    Hi James,

    I have been reading most of your articles and am glad you give practical advise.

    I have been in a relationship for 7 years and i now do have a 5 year old daughter with the man, when i met him first he never told me that he was married but later i found out when i had a baby already.
    He has been telling me that he will be divorced till today he hasnt and he still lives with his wife whom he says “he doesnt love anymore” yet they stay together. He moved to a different country and he went with her still lives her even though he claims to love me more.

    Recently i kept thinking about the whole situation and i think i need to move on with my life and be happy, he started asking me to marry him yet he is still married and i dont see any signs of him getting divorce. Pls advise.
    NANA

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Nana. It seems you want something very basic, a relationship and someone to enjoy life with. This man provides you with neither (other than the crumbs of a relationship he shared with you for a short time in the past). I am sorry your child does not have a father to invest in him/her but it seems you have nothing to lose by moving on and perhaps alerting this man of a very short time frame he has to change your mind if he is actually serious about creating a life with you.

      • NANA said:

        Thank you so much James,

        I am planning to alert him as soon as possible that i am moving on to a better life..

        At times we stick to a relationship hoping that someday something will change to the better and that one will get what they want in a relationship but most cases its not.

        Thanks once again.

        Regards,
        Nana

  7. Hee said:

    Actually my post may have given out too much detail. Any way to delete?

  8. Dawn said:

    I met a guy and we dated for three dates before I slept with him. He pushed hard and chased me the three dates until I gave in. On the dating site he said he was looking for a relationship – things were great. And after sleeping with him (I was a widow of 14 years and this was my first sexual experience after my husband’s death) and it was AWESOME and AMAZING – the pursuing stopped and he then told me he didn’t want to get bored, it wasn’t me, but he needed his freedom and needed to be spontaneous and he wasn’t looking for commitment just passionate fun … after sleeping together (which of course he calls making love!) I finally got my head wrapped around what he was saying and actions and stopped responding to the booty call requests. He then started texting me on a Monday asking if I had plans on a Friday, telling me he’d check his schedule and then I’d never hear from him until the next week, and repeat. After 3 weeks of not seeing him and him asking me but then hearing nothing from him I sent him a text telling him that while I love to play and that we play well together, I really did want a relationship and when he figured out what he wanted he should contact me and if I was still available we may be able to go out some time. He responded with “Date? No, that’s not what I’m looking for. We’re great making love together. I’m just so busy and have to see when I can fit it in.” And went back to texting me on a Monday asking if I was available on Friday … I responded via text “You know I want a relationship. Are you asking me for a date this weekend? Sorry – I’m busy. Try again.” and that pattern continued for another 3 weeks. I’ve now heard nothing from him for 3 weeks, he sent me a text yesterday (on a Tuesday) asking me if I’m free Friday. I responded “busy” and he sent me a text just now saying “you know we’re so good together. Can’t you fit me in Friday?” – UGHGHGH! In my heart and mind I know this needs to stop. Even if I responded with See You Friday I know he’d either cancel at the last minute or he wouldn’t contact me again until after Friday. I know I’m better than this. And deserve more than this. Does he just like the chase and when he sees he can have me then decides he’s done? Why can I not get him out of my head?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Dawn. You have done an excellent job of maintaining boundaries and expressing clearly what you need and want. Honestly, it seems to me that he might be using one of the (sick) systems some male dating coaches recommend for treating women badly so that they will work hard to win your love. You have set your boundaries, he’s heard them, so you can completely ignore any messages from him other than, “okay, I realized I’ve been treating you badly. I’m ready to grow up. I want a real relationship. Is it still possible for us?”

      Other than that, I would not waste anymore time with this man. He is not emotionally ready for you.

  9. I’ll be 77 next week and my lovely beau will be 71 two months later. I only met him after some online correspondence last December, but he fills my “list” as well as more intense intellectual topics that I did not even consider important in the past. Neither he, nor my prior lover of the past 30 years were ever violent (but my x-husband, deceased, WAS). I am only really happy having a man to love (and am always faithful) but sometimes they find it difficult to believe in my fidelity because of my passion. I’ll be baking a cake for my birthday and we will have meals celebrating it both tomorrow (Saturday) and my actual birthday on Tuesday. I’ve already planned his cake for his as well.

  10. Londy said:

    Hai James

    I am 24 years. I met this guy after a long time single. I real loved the guy which we @ a distance of 660 Km. He would drive every month end to see me. I became pregnant and i had an early miscarriage about 7 weeks. Things changed a bit but after a week or so he tried to make it up to me. We were chatting someday and he told me he is not ready to get married. Lot of things were said because i was hurt and angry since i wad on a grieving process and he wad not there with me. After that i went on a cold attitude towards him even if he want to explain why he is telling me that. After 2 months, I felt increasing love for him. It was hard to get back to talk to him. I took a heart and started to sweet talk. He was cold too. I than found a job and moved in his town. We trying to make it up or i can say i am trying to make it work after we talked. The problem is that he is distancing himself even if i try to talk to him he is just cold. I asked him what should I do. He said I must take it easy. It is very hard to know he is around, i only see him after 2 weeks. If i dont call him / text him he will never. I went in his apartment when he asked me last week. I did washing, ironing, spring cleaned, everything was perfect as i normally do. He was happy. Because i am therapist, i normally spoil him with massage and cook a good meal. He appreciates it but i dont feel honoured by him. I need the way to make this happen. I love him so much. He said i respect him in a way that he feels he owns the world. Yes, it what i can offer ‘ respect’. I just quite to talk to him on social networks because it hurting seeing him online but not talking to me. If i start a conversation, he gives me a cold shoulder showing no interest.
    I don’t know what else i can do. Last night i told him i love him even if i dont say it more often. I said: i think am pushing it so hard in this relationship but i cant help it my heart is making me. And i went offline for good. I dont know if am doing the right thing or am pushing him too far. I feel good though not to be with him on social networks bcos i know he wont call and he wont text. I wont do it either. Win- win. Do i have to give up or hold on?

  11. Louise said:

    Hi James,

    Thanks for your wonderful blog posts and all your great advice in the comments! I’ve been getting to know a Turkish man online at first and now we talk to each other every day. I am all too aware of romance fraud so Im being very cautious with this.. The thing is he is saying that he wants to marry me now (after only two months!) he is calling me his wife which is endearing but I’ve told him I want to take things slow and I would like to actually see him over Skype and talk face to face but he is making excuses as to why he can’t do that. He recently got in a situation where he needed to borrow some money which I stupidly lent him (only USD 140) and now I regret not enforcing my boundaries and just saying no to him because he then asked for more to which I said no. We have had hot, steamy phone conversations so I am feeling vulnerable now. I told him yesterday that I made a mistake and he got angry at me because he thought I didnt trust him though now he says he forgives me and that he still loves me. Any advice on what to say to him without making him feel disrespected but also get what I want namely get him to talk over Skype? In the back of my mind I have some doubt he is who he says he is and he must be picking up on this…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi, Louise. Asking for money within two months of starting a relationship is usually an indication that you are being scammed.

      Most people would not try something like that even in a normal, face-to-face relationship. Trying to do that without ever having seen each other suggests it is almost certainly a scam to lure you into giving larger sums of money.

      Don’t be surprised if the next request is, “Okay, I will come visit you in person to prove my love. I just need $1400 for the plane ticket. Please wire it to this account.”

      There are people who would love to have a relationship with you, Louise. Please don’t spend your time on this relationship unless he does something drastic that proves my suspicions to be false.

      • Louise said:

        Thanks James! Yeah I ended it when he asks me again and said if I really love him I would help him and I said if you really love me you would respect my decision to say no. Lucky I can get my money back through PayPal but yeah lesson learnt! I’m reporting him to scam alert.

  12. hopefull said:

    Dear james

    i have been divorced for over two yrs now and started dating my current boyfriend during the seperation stages…he is 7yrs younger and had a mother who died when he was 18 7 yrs ago…i am a very giving person and always seem to enjoy helping people pursue things they want to do..i sometimes forget about myself…not that i dont enjoy watching them be happy but it seems like they just dont want to give back as much as i give…i find it hard to balance this and also do the things i want in my life i just want to make them happy…..it seems like they kind of take advantage of this part of me how can i balance giving and also getting things for my self and instiling the boundaries to my partner so i get the respect i deserve while not cutting out the things he loves to do…his hobbies cost alot and i find it hard to say no…also i have noticed he will be very sweet and touches me more and gives more love when he wants something which is not his norm he is not touchy feely (which is hard for me also) is there a way i can get him to open up and be touch feely even when he doesnt want something..we share money and pay bills together ..please help i need some balance in my life…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello Hopefull. A successful business entrepreneur once told me her secret to success was that she enjoyed working hard. She convinced yourself that self-discipline was fun, something she wanted. Working hard then became rewarding rather than a drain. She then became successful financially and had that extra benefit on top of being happy.

      Don’t lament the fact that you get joy from helping others. In relationships, that is an ideal I encourage many people to strive for. Don’t start shifting your perspective to see that as a problem.

      That said, some kind of boundaries do need to remain in place. For example, sharing finances goes better when both partners work together to pay all the bills first, then set aside money for savings and giving, and then divide the extra and split it into two accounts so that both partners can spend their portion guilt free.

      It sounds like his love language is not physical touch. Apparently that’s one of your love languages. He’s realized that it’s important to you, so he remembers to do things you like when he wants something good in return. That’s not necessarily a bad thing because give-and-take is a part of what a relationship is about. But you understandably feel frustrated that he does not intrinsically want to reach out to you physically just for the sake of making you happy. After all, you’re the type of person who would do just that!

      This is hard to change. It’s hard because you have no control over it. However, the thing you do have control over is giving him clear information about the ways he can make you happy. Explain it clearly and then ask his permission to remind him occasionally that it’s something important to you. Most guys are willing and appreciative when a woman tells them very specific steps to improving the relationship (so long as it is presented with the respect principle in mind).

      James

  13. Helge said:

    Dear James!
    I`ve been dating a man for three months. Right from the start I felt he is the right one for me because he has all the qualities I value in a man. I felt we were having a good time every time we have been together. Additionally I have to mention that we both are having psychological issues and were seeing a therapist. Things started changing when his son came back from abroad to live with him. His calls and texts became fewer and I started feeling insecure and had to call him. Still everything fine when we were together. Anyway I said I can`t go on like this because he started to ignore me and wouldn`t even answer my calls. He says he`s too busy with his own problems and doesn`t want me to suffer and he can t change at the moment and he can`t accept my love because he doesn`t love himself right now and it`s all his fault. But I suffer now too after we `ve split up and just want him back. What do you think I can do?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Helge. To give you a useful answer I would have to ask you about some of the personal things he may be going through, but this blog is not the right place to do so. In a few weeks I will have a place for private questions that can be answered confidentially by our beirresistible.com relationship coahes.

  14. Mary said:

    After reading all this, I think some of the best advice from James Bauer is to go out
    and develop yourself and live your life. So many (maybe all) of these men just aren’t
    into you, and how many more years are you going to spend trying to change and fix
    someone and convince him that you are loveable and deserve more. And you deserve
    more. You want a man who will move a mountain for the woman he loves. (And I
    must give credit to Greg who is a co-author of the book: He’s Just Not That Into You.
    I think I’ve read it about four or five times.) Go out there, ladies, and smile, take
    an art class, music class, help someone in need, etc. Keep yourself number one
    on your priority list. You’re worth it. All the best, Mary

    • Joann said:

      Thanks for stating all that, Mary. I was reading and thinking the same thing. “He’s just not that into you.” The idea of “pursuit” is perhaps too hardened, one of the relationship teachers I read regularly (perhaps James?) mentioned that when they like you, a guy will “step in” to you. He’s present, he responds, he’ll open up about himself. If none of that is happening, why waste your time? Move on. Our minds play tricks with us, we create relationships where there is none. I’m just as guilty. But I’m learning and getting a lot better about what I won’t put up with. I ask for more now, at a higher level. I like the idea that I can select a man if I wish, but I refuse unacceptable behavior, personalities and relationships. I don’t pretend to know why they flirt at sort of a dirty level, as if there is a future, but I’ve learned that they take it there just before they disappear. It’s some serious b.s., but if I don’t get more than that, I can brand it for what it is: in-authentic. I enjoy men and the way I feel when I get attention, I do not enjoy the dance & disappear act. (I am not needy.) It gets old.

  15. Yasmin said:

    Hi James,
    thank you! Your answer brought tears in my eyes. I’m freshly divorced after many years of a marriage which was during the last few years like a prison for me, without any intimacy and passion. So with my lover I’m experiencing everything what I was only dreaming about for such a long time. I know, the price of this extremely intense, emotional and passionate affair is probably this sadness which I’m experiencing every time he leaves me and the risk of a potential heart ache, but deep in my heart I feel that there are not many men outside who can offer me such intensity and completely blow my mind away. You are right, I should embrace the present moment and be thankful for this wonderful experience. I don’t want to merry again ( well, maybe some day, you can never know) and I don’t want to start a new family, I have two wonderful kids. So maybe I should forget the standard pattern for a relationship and just enjoy..

    • Yasmin said:

      Hi,
      I got a notice about a new comment on this posting and then I re-read my own posting almost 3 years ago, which I already forgot.
      So I wanted to say to all ladies here- some men can change, if we give them time! My lover who didn’t want to commit to me and put his carrer as his first priority completely changed his mind- he loves me truely and deeply now, since he recognized that a relationship with me is the most important thing in his life and my love and commitment to him opened his heart like never before. I was there for him when he lost his job, his home, his father, got depressed and hopeless. So for the first time in his life he experienced a true love of a woman and this blew his mind completely. He felt in love with me with his whole heart and he even want to move together with me and my kids. He’s a very supportive and affectionatelly partner to me and I feel loved like never before! He said, he wants to get old with me and he was an absolute fool that he didn’t recognize this already at the beginn of our romance.
      So, never give up to early, only because the man you love isn’t ready yet to commit or he thinks he can’t fall in love with you. Some men obviously need a lot of time and “proofs” that you are the one and the right one.

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        Yasmin, What a beautiful story you left on here. I am sure it will inspire many of us. I, too, have been following James’ articles, and comments to them, for a long time, and have derived a lot of help and support from them. It is truly heartwarming to read your success story, and gives me the encouragement I need to keep going. I don’t know if you have read any of my comments before this, but I have been involved with a man for over 4 years now who has a drink problem (due to his desperate life-situation in the past, and depression and anxiety caused by this). I did not know when we first got together – he is very good at hiding it. And I had known him for four years before this, socially. We do love each other, and I have tried and tried over this time to be supportive, and get him to give up the drink, which he says he wants to do. But as we are long-distance and he has no spare money, it has not been easy to see much of each other. Also, I often end up being angry and frustrated with him when I do visit – due to his withdrawal from the alcohol making him grumpy – and walk out on him, so we go back to square one, over and over again. Two steps forward and one step back!! Friends tell me to give up on him, but I see the wonderful potential in him – he does try to make his life better, but it is not easy to give up alcohol. He is also very, very proud and feels that he is not worthy of me – although he was trained and worked as a lawyer for many years, but lost everything – his job, home, wife and family – due to bad judgement and a subsequent nervous breakdown. He is now 64 and I am almost 69. I am much better off financially than him, and own an expensive house, whereas he rents his apartment. I was intrigued to read that you supported your man through the loss of his job. I would love to know how you did this, without him feeling embarrassed and unworthy. I would love to help my man financially, to get him off the booze, back on track and moving forward towards a better life, but he is too proud to accept any help from me. I have asked him to come and move in with me, but he is worried about leaving his comfortable set-up where he is. I hate the town where he lives, so do not feel inclined to live there. Although I would, for a while, if that would help. I’ve wondered about renting an apartment there, to be near him. Am I being selfish in not wanting to live in that town? It IS absolutely DIRE – a VERY poor, run-down seaside resort, with nothing much going on – whereas I live in an expensive part of the country. I would consider living elsewhere – just not there – it is SO depressing. I think that is part of his problem. His mother lives in a very nice, wealthy area, and is very well-off, with a beautiful house. It would make sense to live near her – which I have suggested – as she is elderly now, and he is her only family, but he’s not keen on that idea. Any further advice you could give me would be very much appreciated. We have just spent a lovely few days over the May Day Bank Holiday week-end together. He runs a choir and they performed at a National Trust house, here in England. Then he played the organ at two special Church services. It was a really lovely week-end. He also said he had enjoyed having me stay with him. I’m hoping we are moving slowly towards a resolution. But it is not easy – and a very slow process. I do often wonder if there is any point any more. Do, please, let me hear back from you with any further advice. Many thanks. Lorna

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        P.S. – I have just read your original article and James’ reply – which I couldn’t see before when I replied. I can absolutely relate to you in so many ways. You sound so much like me – passionate, caring, loving, empathic, loyal and a very, very strong, capable woman. Once again, I would say how wonderful it is that you had the strength and fore-sight to keep on in there with your man – despite all the odds. It brings to mind the old saying “Behind Every Great Man there is a Little Woman”. Not that you (or I) are “little” in the “inferior” sense – but women are usually physically smaller and weaker than men. It just means that even with all their physical power and strength – men still need US to be there backing them up and rooting for them – being a “safe place to land” when things get tough. And you have proved it. Winston Churchill claimed that without his “Clemmie” at his side, he would be nothing. And he suffered terribly from what he called the “black dog” – depression. He needed Clemmie’s strength and love to see him through that, to be able to run the country here throughout World War 2. By the way, I, like your boyfriend, also act and work as “background” in film and television. And I was very excited to be given the role of stand-in to Celia Imrie in the film about Winston Churchill called “The Gathering Storm”. A really interesting film. (If you watch it, look out for me in the little old car, approaching the house, and almost run down by a lorry. Such fun!!). I hope to hear from you. Much love, Lorna

  16. Yasmin said:

    Hi James,

    I’m dating an amazing guy for 4 months now, who has problems with real commitment and falling in love with a new woman after his heart was broken. I’m having wonderful time with him, because he is doing everything so right and well, except one thing- he isn’t in love with me. He isn’t sleeping around, because he knows I wouldn’t tolerate this and he doesn’t want to loose me, but I know this could happen some day if he meet a certain woman. Yesterday we spent an awesome day and night together, he was acting like a perfect dream man and I could explode out of happiness.
    But today before he left my home, he said to me that as long he isn’t situated well in his career ( he is an actor and he is struggling very much to establish himself and to earn enough money with his acting) he just can’t offer a woman more then a passionate affair or to be a friend with benefits. He just can’t allow himself to fall in love and to start a serious relationship with some one, because his life is just too chaotic and stressful, he is all the time on the road, running from audition to audition and he just isn’t happy with his own life at the moment. He said also, it’s quite a bad timing for us, because I’m a great woman and he likes me so very much ( after saying these words he started kissing and hugging me over and over again for a while), but this is all what he can offer to me. He even said I should stay open for some other guy who can give me more then he can..
    It’s so confusing, because he is giving me the feeling he is in love with me and he is treating me in the most pleasant way. Also sex with him is addictive and the most wonderful experience I ever had in my whole life ( I’m 45 and he is 38). But after his words I just don’t know what to do- should I give up my expectations that after some time he will change his mind, or should I start dating other men too. I’m not a woman who is into rich and wealthy men, so the fact that at the moment he can’t offer me much isn’t bothering me. I admit, sex with him is probably the strongest part of my attraction to him and I love men who stand on the stage, but I have deeper feelings for him too, because he is such a sweet, charming and loveable guy. Deep in my heart I do want a more commitet relationship with him, so I feel torn and helpless. I’m a very emotional person and I give myself away a lot when I’m together with a man. But I’m afraid that he will break my heart at the end.
    Your advice please…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello, Yasmin. I have such a mixture of happiness and sadness as I read your words. On the one hand you are experiencing a kind of relationship bliss, yet the desire for this to last ends up spoiling your ability to enjoy the relationship for what it is right now.

      He sounds like a wonderful sort of man. He lets life flow through him, openly and honestly pursues what makes him happy, and doesn’t try to deceive others in the process. Unfortunately, his highest priority is his career. For whatever reason, he does not believe the relationship is irreplaceable, but he believes the happiness his career can bring him is the most important thing.

      The honest truth is this. The longer you spend with him, the more likely he is to fall in love with you in a way that causes his motivation to change. At the same time, the longer you spend with him, the more likely you are to be deeply hurt if he does ultimately pull away from you.
      That is a choice you will have to make. The higher the risk, the higher the reward. Yet the higher risk also comes with potential for greater feelings of sadness and loss.

      While I certainly don’t want to make this choice for you, I will add my own opinion. It sounds to me that the relationship you are in now is the best you have ever been a part of. A commitment would make the relationship even better, but a lack of commitment doesn’t take away the fact that you are thoroughly enjoying his presence at this time in your lives. If you were younger and hoping to start a family, my advice might be different. But there is great value in embracing the present moment for all the joy it can bring.

  17. Bobbie said:

    Hello James,
    I have been going thru an emotional rollercoaster for 14 years now. I met my boyfriend that was 8 years younger than me and we committed right away. He moved in with me and my two sons, He is a good man and did his best to make me and my boys happy. He had some sexual problems that I was not aware of ..nor was he so I blamed myself for 7 years,.after that I was ready to end it until he told me he had a doctor tell him he had low testosterone..long story short,..He is an extremist after 3 years of feeling like a man he started getting attention from other women, he is a former Marine and always worked out but again to the extreme and over the years his weight would fluctuate. I told him to leave 4 years ago and since then he has been taking steroids and turned into a man I no longer know. I have kept taking him back over and over ..All trust, respect we once had is completely destroyed. But he always comes back to me..I try to move on considering I have lost so much..My house,family..and almost business. But I love him because I know he is capable of being a good man and every time he said he was sorry and couldn’t live without me…I would have hope that the man I knew once finally came back. It is no way to live! Please help.

    • James Bauer said:

      There is something to be said for a long history between two people, even if it is a rocky one. I understand why you love him and still want him to be in your life. But you need to enter the relationship with strong boundaries…meaning things you keep in place to protect your business, your kids, and yourself from being at the mercy of his whims. For example, you might require him to live at his own place and demonstrate respect and responsibility for three months before letting him into your home, finances, etc. You might require that he allow you to accompany him to his physician to test if he is usisng steroids (which make people aggressive and irrational).

      • Bobbie said:

        Thank You So Much James..

        But there is so much more to my situation. We haven’t lived together for the past four and a half years. We both are successful people in our professional lives..
        I have thousands of text messages and thousands of emails (when he is blocked)..and messages of corresponding. We both have tried to let go and always end up contacting each other and being together. Love and Hate are one. Our history is full of Chaos and sickness. I lost myself for about 2 years. I have become stronger with help from you and others like you. I have always been a strong confident person that lives with morals, but after the past 4 years I have learned to never say never and it’s amazing what we are all capable of and what we accept….All in the name of Love..

  18. Denise Kohle said:

    Hi James, I dated a man for over two years and we get along great and have fun being together . His family loves me and I love them. He says he loves me . However during our relationship he has shut down several times and doesn’t text or call. He says its him and he requires alone time. He says he depressed. I know he is faithful physicality emotionally ??? But this lasts for 2 months at a time. This last time I realized that I could not ever marry him however we never discussed marriage. I’ve been struggling with my decision because he’s a good man . Just emotionally disconnected . I’ve end up here way too many times.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Denise. Yes, that is one of the many ways depression sometimes manifests in a person’s life. They withdraw socially and feel low motivation and low self-esteem with limited energy or interest for anything…even the things/people they love.

      I think you’re right to not marry a person when you find that the waves of recurring major depressive episodes are too difficult for you to tolerate. I know it will be hard to let go of the person you love, and you may feel some guilt, but it’s the right thing to do.

      I would say the one exception is if he has never sought treatment for depression. If not, you might choose to stick by him and see if he can go for longer periods of time between falling into major depressive episodes once he receives treatment.

      • Denise Kohle said:

        Thank you James, he has not sought treatment .nor do I believe he realizes it as a problem. We could never discuss deep issues out of fear of another shut down. Fear is no way to live. Thanks again. Does your material come in book form.

      • James Bauer said:

        I’d like to publish my material in a physical book, but right now it’s just an electronic book/videos.

  19. Ria said:

    Hi James,
    what would you say if I told you that the guy I have dating for a good few years now is very very secretive about himself. His phone is always in his pocket, it is NEVER left lying around unless it is switched off.very often I call and he does not answer. there have been times when he disappears for days and returns with no explanation or apology.
    He recently moved to a new house and refuses to share his address with me. when I ask him if there is another woman he denies it. I gave him an ultimatum some time ago saying thatr if he did not invite me to his place by the end of the month I would not see him anymore. well , the month ended and I do not see him anymore. he said that he did not want a relationship where there are conditions!!! he calls every now and again and seems to know so much about me, which I find a bit creepy. writing to you it is so so obvious what this guy is all about. But please give me your input, Please.

    Ria

    • James Bauer said:

      Yeah, that’s weird. I’m glad you explained your feelings, asked for what you wanted, and moved on when he did not try to explain or meet you half-way or anything. He probably does want multiple relationships at the same time. Sorry you went through that.

  20. Lau said:

    Hi james!
    I’m from Mexico and I got your program. But I do not know what else to do.
    I’m in a current relationship where we live together since 2 years ago. Four months ago he told me he cannot commit and wants to be alone. He broke my heart as at the beginning I know he adored me and told me many times I was the best woman in his entire life.
    Then I was moving out and had an bad accident. I took care of him and his attitude was of love, etc. since then we are back and forth with this issue. He keeps telling me he doesn’t want a relationship but lately he looks for me, approach to me with love and he is being tender, and we still live toguether and sleep in same bed and some how we act as couple still.
    Now I’m away home in a traveling fir 2 weeks. And part of me is scared that he come back to this thing to want to be alone and “dump” me again, even thou he hast really said with word to go back toguether or be his girlfriend again.
    So I do not know what to do to really in this time apart keep him interesting on me and to make this leap where he finally commit to me again and ask me to be his love again.
    Please I need guidance! The only way I contact him is phone or chat as he do not have cellphone.
    I do not want go back home after this two weeks and found he us breaking with me and breaking my heart again. For the contrary that he is excited for me to come back!!!
    He’s already acting distance and cold just one day after I left when he said goodbye with love and kisses!
    It’s confusing! What should I do!!!!? Please…

    Loved from Mexico!
    Laura

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Laura. This situation requires a level of finesse and multiple-step advice that needs some back and forth coaching. If you want to pursue that, you can learn how to hire me as your relationship consultant here. (the last item on the catalog of services and relationship courses).

      James

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