A Tale of Two Relationships

A Tale of Two RelationshipsI recently heard a terrible story from the lips of a woman who endured a tragedy of the sort that changes your life forever.  The root cause of her suffering seemed to stem from the repeated decision to forgive a man too many times.  But we will come back to that story in just a minute.  This is a tale of two relationships, and I want to start with the other one.

Her name is Janice (or at least that’s what we’ll call her to preserve her privacy).  Janice is a woman I consulted with regarding relationship issues of a minor sort.  When I use the term, “minor sort” I do not mean to dismiss the emotional pain she was feeling.

I’ll put it this way: Janice was too caught up in her boyfriend’s flaws to appreciate the fantastic man he is, and the wonderful relationship she should have been enjoying with him.

There are many things that can contribute to our unhappiness.  It is my belief that one of the most common sources of unnecessary loss of happiness comes down to the mistake of wanting to be right, even if it costs us our happiness.

It is normal to crave repentance from the person that has wronged us.  You just want them to admit they were wrong and tell you they are sorry!  Is that really so much to ask?!

As you know, the problem is that people often genuinely disagree about who is in the wrong.  There are times when small arguments or missteps that hurt someone’s feelings simply cannot be resolved by everybody admitting to the truth.

That’s because sometimes the truth is that people saw the situation differently. They just don’t agree on whose fault it was that a pleasant interaction erupted into a four-hour argument.

Janice is a wonderful woman, and I like her a lot.  But Janice spends a lot more time feeling unhappy about relationship issues than is necessary.  She is one of those people that failed to learn this important life lesson: it is better to be happy than right.

 

Going too far

On the other hand, forgiveness can be taken too far.  The woman I spoke of earlier broke my heart as she relayed the sad experiences that unfolded several years before I met her.  I have changed some of the details of her story to avoid personally identifying information, but here’s the gist of what happened.

Leah was with a man who physically abused her.  Looking back now, she said she believes she stayed with him partly because she loved him and partly because she did not realize how abnormal the situation was.  In her words, “I was so young and I just thought that was normal.”

On top of that, he was the father of her two young children, one just a toddler when the terrible events unfolded.

Getting by on sales commissions alone was hard enough, but when news stories began playing on local television stations regarding the death of her toddler, her employers showed her the door.  Shortly after that she was arrested, allegedly for contributing to the abuse of a child.

The father’s anger problems apparently reached beyond his interactions with Leah.  When Leah was not even home, a fit of rage led to the death of their young son.  After a lengthy trial, the father was imprisoned, and so was Leah.

Why was Leah imprisoned you ask?  Because it turns out she had filed several police reports regarding her husband’s domestic abuse toward her.  Yet she had stayed with the man, and the courts felt this was proof that she was participating in endangering her child by not leaving a man known to be physically abusive with anger management problems.

In other words, she forgave too much.  The court’s ruling made clear the belief that she should have taken her children and abandoned that man in search of safety for her children.  Because she didn’t, she lost her job, her son, custody of her daughter, and her freedom for the time she spent imprisoned.

I share these two tales to sharpen your perception.  I want you to clearly see the path that leads to the greatest happiness.  Stories help us to learn of the perils and pitfalls others have encountered and avoid those same pitfalls.

Happiness will be found when you can clearly see the path of balance.  Don’t give up your happiness in pursuit of getting your man to admit he is wrong.  On the other hand, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship, take decisive and immediate action to extricate yourself from that relationship.

What do you think?  Did the courts go too far this time in pursuit of justice for the child?   Should the mother have been sentenced for endangering a child by staying with a violent man?  Share your comments below so others can benefit from your perspective.


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45 thoughts on “A Tale of Two Relationships

  1. AmyG said:

    I’m unable to say if I feel the courts were accurate in thier decision to imprison the mother, I will say I was in a similar situation. Fortunatly my children survived. I was brainwashed. I was also very young. I didn’t know what else to do and had no place else to go. My husband convinced me that the abuse was my fault so I kept trying to “do better”. There is a such thing as battered womans syndrone. I lived it. One day I just woke up and snapped out of it. I wondered “what was I thinking” for SO long (15 yrs). I left but it was very difficult to survive. Some how I made it. Thats been 12 yrs ago.

    • Adriana said:

      I can unequivocally say that the courts went too far and ignored the fact that she was a victim too.

      It was up to the courts, social workers, and others to get her out to save her child’s life. What an abusive person the judges must be!

      • Nicky said:

        I totally agree with you but it is also a lesson to learn, that we women have to have a survival instinct that says, “RUN” when the violence starts.Sometimes, as in this and many other cases, it leaves a very bad end.

        • PHILLISTINE said:

          Hello Nicky,

          I thank you very much for your reply. You are exactly right that sometimes a situation like that can very well end badly but then we as women as well as incredible human beings, with the awesome intelligence and common sense that our Father God has instilled in us… I very, very profoundly believe that we VERY, VERY SIMPLY “CANNOT continue” to condone that kind of predicament for ABSOLUTELY “NO LENGTH OF TIME”, and MUST SIMPLY NIP IT IN THE BUD the very, very, very first time, as not to provoke that sinister and warped guy any further along and obviously in the wrong kind of direction BY CONTINUING TO TAKE HIM BACK NUMEROUS TIMES and as he persistently continues on that same path and to no end, obviously. PLEASE TELL ME AT WHAT POINT DO WE BEGIN SAYING HONESTLY, TRULY, SERIOUSLY, AND FOR GOOD “NO MORE!!!!!!! AND MEAN IT” and then to simply go on with our lives. All that I am reiterating Nicky is that this kind of carrying on SIMPLY HAS TO CEASE SOMEWHERE….. and truly as far as I am concerned IT MUST COMMENCE WITH US PUTTING OUR FOOT DOWN IN THE BEGINNING…… I COMPREHEND THAT IT CAN AT ANY POINT AND TIME TURN INCREDIBLY VIOLENT….BUT as I stated at the beginning of this reply and that is SIMPLY THAT WE AS STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN “HAVE A RIGHT AS WELL AS A CHOICE” TO LIVE IN PEACE NOT IN PIECES (as Iyanla would say… and me to, as well) Therefore, we simply HAVE TO MAKE THAT CALL “FOR OURSELVES” and not lean on anybody else but Jesus and our inner strength that we will HAVE TO CALL UP AT SOME POINT IN THAT KIND OF SITUATION, OBVIOUSLY…. “AND NOT WAIT FOR “THE COWS TO COME HOME”, NOR waiting for the situation to MIRACULOUSLY get better…. BUT AGAIN AND VERY, VERY SIMPLY ATTEMPT TO PUT AN END TO IT JUST AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. (Again, with God’s help through our prayers, talking to the police, the FBI, preachers, friends, neighbors, my point is THROUGH WHATEVER MEANS….. SIMPLY BEGIN IN THE BEGINNING AND NEVER, EVER WAIT IN A TREMENDOUSLY DANGEROUS CASE SUCH AS THIS TYPE CAN BE OR BECOME, is very, very, very, very, very SIMPLY ALL THAT I AM EMPHASIZING) I mean, we are all grown and no two relationships are the same and everybody’s got their own thing…. I mean, truly different strokes for different folks….. But in these kinds of case and/or situations….. IT IS NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER ANYTHING TO PLAY WITH NOR PROLONG BY ANY MEANS NOR BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION, FOR SURE, Nicky. Believe me be, I have also been there, and I VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLY dealt with it as I felt that I not only NEEDED TO BUT AS I “SIMPLY FELT THAT I SHOULD HAVE” relayed to him in the beginning of our relationship that “I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PLAY LIKE THAT” NOR WILL I EVER APPROVE OF “ANY MAN” EVER PUTTING HIS HANDS ON ME IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, FASHION, NOR FORM. I simply shared that REAL FACT with them AT THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP …EVEN BEFORE WE BECAME CLOSE AT ALL. I also very, very, very kindly informed them that my family ALSO “DOES NOT PLAY” NOR WILL EVER, NEVER, EVER TOLERATE NOR PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF CONVOLUTED, WARPED, PERPLEXED, TWISTED, CRYPTIC, AND JUST DOWNRIGHT SINISTER KIND OF CARRYING ON, AND IN “NO FORM”, VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLY. Nicky, very, very simply “WE” NEED TO BASICALLY AND IN ESSENCE, AND SIMPLY START SOMEWHERE AT SOME POINT AND TIME WHEN IT IS NOT BY ANY MEANS TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LATE TO INCORPORATE AND SIMPLY TO INSURE THAT OUR BOYFRIEND, OR FIANCE’ IS SIMPLY QUITE AWARE OF THE SIMPLE FACT THAT “WE WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT TOLERATE” THAT KIND OF TREATMENT TO OURSELVES AND BY ABSOLUTELY “NO ONE” … AND THEN ESPECIALLY BY SOME GUY WHO PROFESSES TO LOVE US……… ARE YOU KIDDING ME….. I MEAN, ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS. THOSE KINDS OF ACTIONS TO ME WOULD IMMEDIATELY SEND OFF SOME SERIOUS RED FLAGS. Well, I mean, that’s just me. I have never, I do not now, nor will I ever play with anybody’s feelings…. BECAUSE TO ME, that would hurt me therefore I know that it would hurt someone else…. and I just thank my OMNIPOTENT FATHER GOD for the awesome values and morals that have been instilled in me through many years and I have always practiced simply trying to always DO THE RIGHT THING…… VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLY. I have always been honest and I simply will continue to be VERY SIMPLY “JUST HONEST” in what I say….. AND PLUS…. I HAVE BECOME SOOOOOOOOOOOO ACCUSTOMED TO SIMPLY JUST BEING HONEST AND REAL…. UNTIL IT JUST FEELS REALLY GOOD TO ME AFTER I HAVE SIMPLY SAID AND STATED EXACTLY HOW I FELT OR FEEL ABOUT ANY GIVEN PREDICAMENT AND/OR SITUATION NICKY. I mean, IT IS WHAT IT IS…. AND IT IS SIMPLY QUITE REAL AS FAR AS MY POINT OF VEIW IS CONCERNED.

          Again, I thank you Nicky for your reply. I hope that you have a very pleasant and cheerful Harborfest Weekend, take care, God bless, and “PEACE” to you and yours.

          Very Respectfully

    • Pam said:

      Never, should a mother stay in a relationship in which her children are at risk. As a mother, your first and most important priority should always be the safety of your children. If there is any chance or risk that they are in danger, a mother should remove them from that danger. If no children are involved, the woman should decide whether staying places her in danger, and if so, she should also leave the relationship as well. Therapy and counseling can be done while residing separately if the marriage or relationship is worth saving.

  2. Bonnie said:

    I remember reading in Course of Miracles that there is only two emotions. Love and Fear. Leah had great fear for her self, due to a abusive husband. There is no logical thinking going on when you are in fear. It lacks reasonable understanding, If we as humans applyed logical and reasonable understanding to this situation, we would find no fault, we would find fear. If we looked at from this prospestive we would send our love, compassion, and our understanding. The understanding I have is, There are two forces on this earth, one is Love and the other is non Love or what you might refer to as fear. Which one do we as humans want to win, Love or Non Love. I choose Love..
    Thank You . All Is Well

  3. Laura said:

    Thank you for these stories James.! Yes they absolutely sharpen one’s perspective and helps one to remember to be mindful.

    My feelings are that perhaps the courts did go to far in prosecuting the mother for her child’s murder. I say this because I did exactly that…..I left and made a man leave me alone that was highly emotionally, financially and mentally abusive and sometimes mildly physically abusive. He did not leave it there. He took it to the courts and legally bullied me through the court systems. What has made this most difficult is that my daughter has a diagnosis of autism and her father & his family do not agree with that diagnosis and has brought things to a level by refusing her services and threatening to sue her teachers at school, her service providers etc…etc..that now my daughter will go to minor’s counsel to have someone other than myself & him make all her legal decisions because he can not accept her autism diagnosis.

    I & the courts have been extremely patient with this man albeit not putting up with his b/s too much….last May – I was honest with the courts and said that I needed to move out of city where I was living….there was no restriction on me moving listed in the court documents – but I was proactive and put it in front of the courts and my daughters father that I needed to move because her Autism service providers were closing business and my professional team was telling me to look in another area and so I followed their suggestions. Some one was kind enough to help & put up a small retainer for an attorney to help me with working out visitation etc. for my move…I started looking for jobs and was working several part time gigs as my 2 year job I had held had come to an end in June. My daughter’s father continued to drag this thru the summer – not agreeing to anything in court….his parents hired him an attorney and even though he had continued to claim in court for the past 4 years that he couldn’t take his daughter because he was a full time student, he didn’t have the proper place, that he didn’t have time for her etc…because I said I needed to move they legally took her away from me. Citing that because I was moving that it was better for her to stay at the same school, same area….etc… etc….

    This is someone who my daughter rarely saw, who chose to do other things and have other people spend time with her when it was court ordered for him to spend time with her. So literally Judge’s decision came down Aug. 2nd – School started Aug. 7th….which did not give me anytime really to prepare my little one for this huge life change. In September housing came in & deemed my house un-inhabitable due to a carbon monoxide leak in my heater & a very serious mouse infestation. So I ended up being house-less for a couple of months until I could find a new place in my new town.

    CPS reports continue to be made regarding his abusive behaviors w/my little one and yet – it is only just now being determined that minors counsel should be given because of the continued refusal to provide her services and of him & his family not following school recommendations of a child that has an IEP – is behind in all subjects and instead of following the recommendations of school psychologists and teachers etc….are continuing to force her to spend hours on end after school to do ‘make-up’ work when she should only be doing 20 mins. per her age and given challenges.

    His reasoning as stated in court recently was that “Yea, so what, she is overwhelmed and over worked, at least her grades are improving.”

    I have exhausted all that I can do which is why I will be choosing to let this continue to minors counsel in a town where the reports and reviews about minors counsel attorneys is not very favorable as again….”they do not care about the best interests of the child.” because for me…having her out of that situation where at least one can hope that there is a good citizen holding the office where she will be sent that will help her get her services and tools that she needs so that she can thrive in life and become a successful member of society such as Temple Grandin did.

    • K said:

      Dear James,

      the court sometimes finds itself somehow happy to assist men bulliing the women even there. I guess it depends on the Country.
      I can tell from my experience (emotional, financial abuse) that the court was very far from supportive and I needed to learn their logic and played smart to get away with them too. Thank God for the best female lawyer, very experienced, there is.
      But all this judging reactions remind me of that exper. the psychologist made: how does cutting mouses legs affects her hearing.
      He said to a mouse: ” Run.” She ran. The cincl: when a mouse has 4 legs she hears very well. Then he cut her 1 leg and repeated all procedure. Concl. When we cut 1 leg mouse hears slightly less.
      And so on. He cuts the 4 th leg and says run. She stands still.
      The conclusion: “When we cut all 4 leggs the mouse does not hear any more.”

      I love good men James but there is also men that became of evil behavior due to xyz.
      The women need to be protected from such creatures, especially mothers. I bet good men know that and they are big time the ones that can be a social corrector of such attitudes.
      As your dear friend Gilad says: stop the brother from bull shit behavior.
      Tribes have done exactly so.

      Be well!
      Respectfully,

      K.

    • Nicky said:

      I am sorry to hear of your situation Laura.It is indeed sad and it seems that the problem of men using the legal system to bully women is everywhere, not just in your country. God has a way of repaying and righting wrongs.You need to pray for the man and continue being strong as you offer whatever support you can to your child.Pray that God will give you favour and release you and your child from the invisible shackles that hold you both to the system that clearly has major flaws and is controlled by people either too sexist, indifferent or too bent on only collecting pay but not seeking the best interest of the minors they are being payed to care about.You will live through this and your daughter will be ok.Never lose hope and never let them get to you.Children sometimes are more resilient than you think and NOTHING LASTS FOREVER not even the reign of a tyrant, bully or blind system/dictatorship. Best of wishes as you hang on and do not forget to focus on who/what you should become.These things have a way of dragging you down so much and wearing you so much; that you lose focus on your own greatness and the achievements that were meant to be yours.You are strong.Remember that.Keep writing letters, speaking out.Gaining public advocacy and any medium to highlight your plight.Write to the heads of the education and legal systems .Rally support from persons with similar grouses and get the Autism Societies in your area to lobby for you and possibly, stage protest for more sensitivity towards the needs of autistic children.

  4. Yvonne said:

    The court was correct. She may have had a hard time leaving him. He could even have stalked her but she took no action to protect her child.
    Sad and horrible for everyone but she’s the adult. The child can’t protect himself from an aggressive male.

    • Nicky said:

      A bit harsh but I gues the Courts wanted to set some precedence with regards to holding accountable, mothers who passively allow their children to become victims by not being strong enough to walk away in face of abuse.

    • Chloe said:

      Agreed. As a parent it is YOUR responsibility to ensure your child is safe. If you are not safe, what makes you think your child is? As a parent, I’m lead to believe that the childs needs/safety come before your own. If you choose to stay with a physically abusive man because he is the biological father of your children, that’s a poor excuse. By blood, he may well be. Because you are a biological father, does not automatically make you a DAD. In saying this, how much assistance was she offered after the abuse reports she filed? That also has to be in question. Everyone has the power to manipulate. Perhaps she thought she was safer staying? Nobody knows what sort of threats he has made behind closed doors. Eg: has he threatened to do worse to her or her children if she does attempt to leave? Did she not feel protected enough with the justice system? It wouldn’t be the first time it has failed/lacked. For instance, once a paedophile has been released from imprisonment, he has to re offend in order to be imprisoned weather or not he has threatened to do the same once out.
      On the whole, yes I believe it is the parents responsibility to look out for the safety of their children. BUT, there is always more to the story than what we hear printed in papers, on the news, etc. As much as I feel for her, that’s another young life lost. I think the criminal justice system has alot to answer for myself. But by no way, shape, or form is she faultless. Alot of the time, when people are in that situation, they tend to be blinded or do not see the extent of the bad in it. How many times do you hear women say: “he didn’t mean it”, “it was only twice”, “if I hadn’t done *insert alleged wrong doing here*, he wouldn’t have done it”, “everybody makes mistakes”, “he said he wouldn’t do it again & he’s sorry”, “he really loves me, I know he didn’t mean it. It was my fault”. Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. Where was her support system? Family, friends, etc? Sometimes, all it takes is for one person to say something that will click. Instinct should play a part too. Lots to consider when making a judgement on this one.

  5. Jenny Homemaker said:

    Domestic violence is a very sensitive area. The question should be what did the authorities do to support and help her after reporting her partner for violence???
    Abusers of Domestic violence work on many different levels with their systematic abuse until the victim becomes a prisoner, unable to see a way out or help themselves with out a great deal of support. If this woman wasn’t offered any real help and counselling after reporting her partner she would have felt totally unable to leave him as she was still under his control. I think there should be more support offered and harsher penalties for abusers – maybe then less children will be exposed to the cruelty and fear abusers inflict either directly or via witnessing it happening to their mothers.

  6. Joan said:

    This is a prime example of how domestic violence is shoved aside by (society) as well as the police, who at the time when contacted, should have brought in social services to help a young, struggling mother who was in desperate need of help. I believe the courts didn’t go far enough, as they should have investigated the police department (and themselves) for not effectively doing THEIR jobs in aiding and protecting those children and the emotionally/ physically abused mother.

  7. Sue Lefranc said:

    No one knows the terror of living with violence in the home unless they have lived it. Walk a mile in my shoes. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years…you live in a trance that something or someone has to snap you out of. Your self esteem…everything is lost…you give up you to save yourself and your children. I considered myself a smart woman, but for me and some would laugh it was Oprah (guest appearance from Dr. Phil) It took one show to snap me out of it and make me realize that if I allow myself to be hurt on a daily basis or ever by anyone that I am teaching my children that it is ok…they will make it their commonplace and pace it forward in their lives. Once I realized what I was doing to them…I realized and only then how much physical danger I was also putting them in. It took the snap. To wake me up and make me aware. To take away the knumbness.

    • NancyLK said:

      Very well put. I just got out of a mental/verbal/disrespectful marriage of 18 years. Unfortunately my sons mimic the behavior of their father because he taught them that it was ok. I can only hope they listen when I tell them how to treat a date, or women in general. I don’t want them to turn out like their father.

  8. Judy said:

    Right or wrong, the courts deprived the daughter of her entire family–father, mother and brother. That’s wrong!!!

  9. Vicki said:

    Apparently she relied on a system that is supposed to protect and serve. This system sometimes has written laws which protect the offenders, and can lead to more victims. I feel that a victim of abuse should not be allowed to restore a relationship without a Court of Law clearing the offender by their forms of assessment. Victims are often much too emotionally dependent and confused to protect themselves against the sickness of their abusers. Traumatic stress can prevent clear assessment of what is dangerous and what may not be. Written laws for protection from abuse need to be firm and perhapse irrevocable.

  10. melissa said:

    This is so sad. Physically abused women would leave the men abusing them if they were in a place mentally where they could. Who in their right mind wouldn’t????? However, being abused makes you feel worthless, incapable, terrified, and most of all, ashamed. In my personal experience, the man threatens violence towards your immediate and extended family if you leave or threaten to leave. Such is his percieved power over you that you believe him. Time goes on, and you become more submissive and cowed. Often women in this siuation do not have the financial means to support themselves. The first time it happens, if you have low self esteem, you blame yourself and forgive him. You are too ashamed to admit to anyone what has happened, or what you see as you ‘let’ happen. It becomes unbearable and you leave or threaten to. The threats start, so you go back. It will escalate to the point where you are too terrified to do anything. This is a particularly hard cycle to break for women who become pregnant during the ‘relationship’, and cannot see a way of supporting themselves and their child.

    I am an intelligent, well educated middle class woman who was in this situation. I finally left when he made me lay my (our) 6 month old baby in the broken glass that was all over the carpet, or he would tap harder with the wooden bat he was lying on her head. I was then raped. It was all about the power he had over me. I left as soon as he fell asleep, with nothing but my baby, and walked for an hour in the middle of the night to a friends. He woke up and went to my family’s house, where he broke my dad’s nose. My family called the police and told him where they thought I might be. In the meantime he guessed where I was and came round to the friends house, barged his way in, and tried to physically take my daughter away. The police arrived and I talked him out of taking the baby and let him out of the back door. The police had a really hard time understanding why I would do that. I was lucky because my dad paid for me to visit my mum in the US, and I stayed in another town until my emergency passport came through. The time away allowed me to sort my head out and return to the UK about a year later. This was 25 years ago and this is the first time I’ve ever told ANYONE about laying my baby in that glass. I guess I’ve opened up because nobody knows exactly what the woman in the article went through, or if she believed he would never touch her children. I find it really hard to believe I went through what I did, and did what I did, because I certainly wouldn’t put up with any form of abuse now, be it mental or physical, and would be out of the door at the first sign. But as I’ve said, once you stay the first time, it will only get worse, and you wind up feeling so dissociated from what is normal and acceptable that it’s too hard to leave, especially if you don’t have money.

    I believe that society’s attitude towards what women who are victims of abuse has really changed (it certainly has in England) and that it is not necessarily her ‘fault’ if she stays. I believe that ‘battered woman’ syndrome is a possible defense for murder in the USA (but I might be wrong), so why not in a case such as this?

    It took for my child to be affected for me to leave. I wonder if this woman’s toddler had been affected prior to this? I’ve heard of women who don’t cry out when their partner is really seriously hurting them, so the children don’t wake up and become involved.

    My plea is for anyone suffering from abuse to leave. Don’t be too ashamed to go to friends, or professionals for help. Make a plan (with help if necessary) so when you leave it is for good.

    I didn’t mean to write any of this and have been crying during it. Perhaps now I’ve got out exactly how I felt, and realised that whilst it wasn’t my fault, I DO have control over my own life, I’ll finally be able to meet someone I can trust, because I can trust myself to look after me and mine.

    • James Bauer said:

      Melissa,

      Your words are those of one who has risen above darkness that threatened to shatter her soul. Thank you for rising above and encouraging others to follow. I am crying now too, but it is the beauty of your courageous spirit that draws out my tears.

      • N said:

        Your story made me weep too. Im in a physically, emotionally, verbally abusive relationship too, but he has never hit our two children(2 and 3 yrs) in his rage. I am hoping he will never do that. How and when did you see it start? the abuse towards ur child?

        • Flory said:

          Dear N,
          Get out now! if you don’t have the means financially reach out to friends and family,please. Don’t wait. I got out after 26 years just hoping that he would change and he NEVER did. Your children will be affected in ways I can’t even tell you.You will then be weaker and less able to leave. Call HAVEN or any other agency in your area that might reach out to you. They have a ton of resources out there for women in your situation. Your children will be fine. But if you stay you will regret it the rest of your life. Please don’t wait like I did and spare yourself and your children a life time of suffering. Don’t make excuses for his behavior. Emotional and verbal abuse are just as bad or worse than physical. it’s just a matter of time before he hits you and the children.You have the power to make the right decision and change your life. My heart goes out to you. Please leave him and save yourself and your little ones! You deserve happiness!

  11. kathryn said:

    I too am surfacing out of a physically, verbal, financial relationship of 12yrs and I would ask any judge to spend a day in my shoes and then proceed to convict me of a crime. This is so sad that this has happened and I understand that we all have freedom of choice though when you are living in this relationship your world has crumbled and your finances have become non exsitant, so to leave is a massive decision expecially when you have no self esteem. As I was also brought up in a abusve household some times this becomes normal behavour to accept the abuse. I once was a strong independant woman until I met and fell in love with my abuser and for me personally I stayed because I honestly believed I could fix or change him. Well i realise now that this is impossible and that it is his choice to be the person he is. Dont get me wrong in the begining of the relationship he was the perfect partner but that changed 2 yrs into the relationship and the longer I stayed the more I become like him (vile and Nasty) I lost every thing and myself now iam on the really difficult journey of rebuilding me. The system let me down when I cried out for help along with my partners extremely honed actions of pursuing and romancing to get me back, I really feel that in cases like these that it is not cut and dry and the legal system should be activly reinforcing aid not punishment as these women are silent victims that need a voice.

    • James Bauer said:

      Good perspective. Thanks for your comment.

  12. Cat said:

    James I am gracious for the story you shared.
    We have a tendency to look at things from the perspective of being white or black. this story is an indication of that. I question did anyone take time to decipher the abuse Janice may have endured growing up ? We are a product of our environment . I questioned what did the right thing look like for Janice ? Was she taught forgiving meant overlooking flaws and “be there” for that person ? Was she abandoned as a child and this was her way of showing up? I feel the biggest part of this is Janice forgiving herself for seeing the right thing to do but choosing something else to feel right within herself. In this case staying in a situation that probably resembled her childhood.
    May Janice find the path of forgiving herself .

  13. melissa said:

    Hi N,

    I’m so sorry I havent replied until now, but I’ve only just seen your post. It happened exactly as I described above after he had been out drinking for the night. The physical abuse stopped after she was born for a couple of months and gradually escalated until the night in question when she was 6 months old when it was the first instance involving her. I picked her up out of her cot as she had woken up due to his shouting and thats when he got the bat and started sort of rubbing it across the top of her head. Until that night he had not been violent to her in any way. My heart really goes out to you, and I really hope you are able to get to a position where you can free yourself and your children. Even if he never touches the children, they will be growing up in a household where this is happening and will perhaps imagine that this is normal. I’m sure I’ve read that for girls that this leads to really low self esteem, and an increased likelihood of ending up in an abusive relationship themselves, and for boys makes them more likely to become abusive, both as a result of modelling behaviour. Nobody wants this for their children. I’m not
    religious so I can’t say I’m going to pray for you, but I
    shall certainly be thinking
    of you and your children
    and willing you to be strong in such horrible circumstances.
    I hope that you are able to access some help. Please don’t be too ashamed to let
    someone you trust know what is going on so you get some
    support. You have no reason to be ashamed. And in my opinion you should not feel guilty about taking them away from their dad. It is his actions that have resulted in the need for that, even if he had an awful childhood himself.

    My thoughts are with you.

  14. Hi N,

    I have replied to you but it has gone further down the page!

  15. mary said:

    I could only wish for those women that are still in abusive relationships to find the strength to break out of it. In some extreme circumstances I have even seen some women who deluded themselves that they could either fix it go completely insane. I truly understand that women in this situation literally live their lives as if they are in a trance because of the massive mental effort they are making to numb the pains they are going through. Sometimes women try to justify putting up for the sake of the children even though there is more proof that both our lives and our children’s are endangered physically and mentally by staying on. Unfortunately in most instances as in the case of the woman in the story the society completely pretends or misunderstood our plight. So the victims perception of her situation is completely distorted and her options are closed. The choice to break up is an extremely difficult decision to make but one that MUST be made by every suffering woman out there. The judges apparently made the judgement they did because they typically reasoned rationally with the male mind rather than empathise with a woman living through life like a zombie. What she needs right now is some serious therapy and huge doses of love from family and friends to resuscitate her mind and soul not punishment. Only then can she truly even feel and mourn the death of her child.

  16. PHILLISTINE said:

    A “resounding YES!!!” I feel that the mother of that poor baby was VERY SIMPLY acting (very, very selfish and like she did not really, truly, nor seriously care about her babies and) like she did not have a BACKBONE to simply go and stand on her own two feet that our Father God has blessed her with. She just presented a demeanor like she had no where to go or no real outlet for that very, very, very sinister kind of predicament with that demonic guy who quite obviously need some psychological and/or some psychiatric help for sure (to ever put his hands on a woman and “ESPECIALLY ANY CHILD”), when/while it was “RATHER” AS WELL AS “EXTREMELY OBVIOUS” that her children’s lives were at stake and NOT JUST HERS. I feel that she should get LIFE IN PRISON for putting those children’s lives in harms way, because to me it quite honestly does not make any sense for women like that to even be able to have ANY children when they ABSOLUTELY (APPEAR TO) HAVE NO MUNDANE CLUE OF HOW TO TRULY CARE FOR THEM. I comprehend that sometimes it is extremely hard to leave a certain way/lifestyle that one is quite use to living but when it concerns YOUR LIFE, and ESPECIALLY WHERE CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED… (THOSE PRECIOUS CHILDREN HAVE/HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH YOU ALL’S DRAMA BUT YET IN THE END THEY HAVE AND DO LOSE THEIR LIVES BECAUSE OF THE INTENSE TENSION AND CRAZINESS BETWEEN THE TWO SUPPOSEDLY GROWN, ADULT, INTELLECTUAL, etc., etc., etc., PEOPLE INVOLVED. Very Sad But Yet Very True). TO ME, at that point and time THERE IS SIMPLY NOTHING ELSE TO CONTEMPLATE NOR WONDER ABOUT BUT JUST SIMPLY AND VERY, VERY, VERY SERIOUSLY JUST MOVE ON IN ANOTHER DIRECTION (AND all that we can do is TRY, TRY, AND TRY AGAIN, and ONLY HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL THE NEXT TIME AROUND. We all have awesome DREAMS and we simply “HAVE TO” CONTINUE TO MOVE ON UNTIL THAT/THOSE BEAUTIFUL DREAM(S) BECOMES (A) REALITIES/Y, AND JUST “NEVER, EVER, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, and just always BELIEVE and KEEP THE FAITH that GOD WILL” work it out for us. It is like my mother has always told us and that is that “GOD may not come when we want HIM to but HE IS ALWAYS ON TIME…. AND WE Simply “HAVE TO” MAKE THAT ONE STEP AND GOD WILL MAKE TWO” and just NEVER CEASE WITH YOUR PRAYERS TO GOD… Because HE is truly FOREVER AND ETERNALLY AWESOME AND OMNIPOTENT)… HOWEVER you need to and through WHATEVER (KEEPING IT AS SAFE AND AS PEACEFUL AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE) MEANS THAT YOU TRULY and PERCEIVABLY CAN WITH GOD’S HELP and through His grace and mercy… VERY SIMPLY. POINT. BLANK. Please know and comprehend that I am by “NO MEANS” ATTEMPTING TO BE FACETIOUS… I AM SIMPLY EXTREMELY AS WELL AS PROFOUNDLY SINCERE. Ask me no questions and I tell you no lies. I read the article and have given my “passionately honest” feedback.

    P. S. God said, “To love thy neighbor as thyself”, (Please know that I am only human as well and, I am not perfect but I do always TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THINGS IN LIFE… VERY SIMPLY) therefore that being said, I conclude likewise: “I LOVE YOU JANICE. Please, take care, God bless, and truly, “PEACE” to you and yours.

  17. Lin said:

    Let us not forget that many times the abuser threatens the victim with much worse than the beatings they have been getting e.g. death of the victim or their child or relatives, etc. Who are we to judge what she should have done. In my opinion, the system does not protect the victims.

    • PHILLISTINE said:

      You are exactly right Lin and I also feel that same way and that is that the system truly “DOES NOT ALWAYS” protect the victim. Also, who are we to ever say what anybody should do or should have done… MY POINT, I have not said what anybody really should do because they already know what they should do and that is to simply BEGIN SOMEWHERE WITH TELLING OR INFORMING SOMEBODY ABOUT THEIR SPECIFIC AND QUITE DANGEROUS PREDICAMENT is the ONLY REAL POINT THAT I WAS attempting to relay. I also went into my own personal business slightly, to VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLY “EMPHASIZE” that A PERSON “whoever” they may be (and if they are or find themselves in inexplicable and undeniable circumstances such as that… I mean, LET’S GET REAL AND CALL A THING A THING AND TRULY NOT, BY ANY MEANS IGNORE what obviously NEEDS SOME SERIOUS ATTENTION) “SHOULD DO SOMETHING AND NOT JUST “CONTINUE TO LET” THOSE TRULY DISTORTED, CONTORTED, SINISTER, TRULY and PROFOUNDLY PSYCHOPATHIC, as well as DISTURBED, and DEMENTED kind of person, which is EXTREMELY SAD…BUT WE ALL KNOW IS INTENSELY ALL TOO REAL. Now, people already know the kind of situation that they are in … and it is VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, AND THEN SOME “SIMPLY” “THEIR CALL (or to just “LET” somebody else make that “ALL TOO IMPORTANT” CALL IN “THEIR” LIVES)”… “HOWEVER” THAT MAY BE. YES, I PROFOUNDLY CONCUR THAT “THAT” SPECIFIC KIND OF SITUATION IS AND AGAIN, “CAN BE” “WITHOUT A DOUBT” TRULY AND UNQUESTIONABLY “THREATENING” AMONG many other things… BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEOPLE, and that is that some will ATTEMPT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE KINDS OF SITUATIONS (NO MATTER HOW UNPROPITIOUS OR OMINOUS) ….. but then others will choose to simply RIDE IT OUT TO WHATEVER EXTREME AND “I SIMPLY FEEL” THAT THE LONGER A PERSON “LETS IT GO” IN A FIGHTING ATTEMPT TO DEAL WITH SUCH A PLIGHT “ON THEIR OWN” CAN AND DOES IN 99.9% PERCENT OF CASES SIMPLY GETS WORSE AND, WORSE AND, WORSE AND, WORSE, ETC., ETC., ETC., ….. WHICH IS “TRULY” THEIR OWN LIFE AND THEREFORE TRULY THEIR OWN CALL. YOU HAD YOUR POINT OF VIEW TO THAT PARTICULAR STORY AND “I SIMPLY HAD MINE”…. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN OPINIONS AND WAYS TO HOW WE FEEL OR THAT WE WOULD REACT TO CERTAIN SITUATIONS AND “I KNOW HOW I WOULD” BECAUSE; IN ESSENCE, THAT IS “EXACTLY WHAT I DID”………… VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, AND THEN SOME SIMPLY.
      AND I simply Rest My Case On That Note…Because “IT IS WHAT IT IS”…. THROUGH OUR FATHER GOD’S GRACE AND MERCY, HIS POWER AND DOMINION…. AND THROUGH OUR FAITH, BELIEF, TRUST IN HIM, AND OUR CONTINUOUS, AND NEVER TO CEASE PRAYERS TO OUR TRUE, AWESOME, SPLENDID, WONDROUS, AND OMNIPOTENT FATHER GOD…. WE SIMPLY “HAVE TO” STRIVE TO MOVE IN A POSITIVE, FORWARD, AND UPWARD TRAJECTORY IN OUR LIVES….BE IT GOD’S WILL…………. WE SIMPLY MUST TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, AND THEN TRY AGAIN TO PUT FORTH AN EFFORT FOR OURSELVES AND TO VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLY TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, AND THEN TRY AGAIN TO SIMPLY MOVE FORWARD IN OUR OWN LIVES….. But then again, as I stated earlier just in another form, but let me also explain it this way as well….. and that is as follows: That our Father God very, very, very simply gave us “CHOICES” to use in our own lives and therefore and quite simply, it is up to us as to how WE CHOOSE TO ROLL ON WHATEVER COURSE THAT WE MAY BE CONFRONTED WITH AT WHATEVER GIVEN TIME IN OUR PRECIOUS AND RATHER BEAUTIFUL LIVES……… VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLY. Take care, Have a very cheerful and pleasant evening, God bless, and truly “PEACE” to you and yours.

  18. I was in an abusive marriage for 4 years. The abuse started a few short weeks into the marriage. He hid his abusive side quite well while we were dating. We married & moved to another state for his job. I knew no one. He refused to get a phone installed, left my car unrepaired for weeks, he got angry if I needed to buy personal items for myself out of my paycheck. All the classic signs of controlling behavior.

    Our marriage was a total sham. He would accuse me of cheating while it was him that was cheating. He contracted STD’s. I finally had enough after giving the marriage a second chance. There was no pleasing him. I left with our child and never looked back. That point came when I was holding my son in my arms and he threatened to shoot both of us. He tried very unsuccessfully to get me to go back to him even after our divorce. Abusive men like my ex will tell anyone that will listen the women they are abusing are crazy. Men that inflict physical, mental and emotional abuse on women and children are beyond mentally sick.

    Unfortunately, through the years, every year, he along with his mother have driven past or stop and peel out in front of my home when he and his family are in the area visiting family. Yes, my ex is a “mama’s boy”. The courts do nothing. I honestly wonder if his 3rd wife has any clue he still snoops. Fast forward 30 years later he now wants to see my son. He doesn’t realize how much my son doesn’t want his “sperm donor” in his life.

    Ladies, if you are in an abusive relationship do yourself and your children the biggest favor and get out while you can. Make a plan, leave while he is at work if you have to. But get out. The abuse won’t get better over time. What your man is doing to you isn’t love. If a man loves you he will never put his hands on you. Yes, it’s hard to make it on your own, but you will do it over time. It is hard being “mom and dad” to your children, but at the end of the day you will have your children’s love and respect for being strong and getting them out of an unhealthy situation.

  19. I also lived Leah’s life, but we had 4 children in as many years and I remained with him for a total of 16. I finally filed for divorce after the first time he shook our daughter by the shoulders simply because she did not want to sit with his arms around her when he had been drinking. I was divorced in 1975 and he stalked me after that, considering me still “his” but stalking was not considered a crime back then. I’m now 77 and thought I had found someone perfect for me, but after 9 months he told me he was seeing someone else. I just met a new man last Sunday for coffee that turned into lunch at Whole Foods and I’ll be seeing him again this weekend. It’s all much easier online.

  20. Deborah said:

    I don’t have the article with me to post here but I did read about a study that had a man agree with everything the wife said because being happy is better than being right. Except, she steadily became more demanding (even if she was being nice) and he became unhappy because he never had a say. The point of the article was that being right (having your views taken seriously, if not just validated) is important.

    Now that is an extreme but I have seen this in my life, men become unhappy if they think they never get their way. They hold on to autonomy tightly and value that above almost everything else. My last kind of serious relationship was with a pretty good guy but he made himself unhappy because he was always trying to get his way. So often it was a choice for me to concede or fight. I am not saying I didn’t contribute to his unhappiness, I just think that his mindset played a part too.

    We are still friends and care about each other a lot. It was only after the relationship that he realized he got his way more often than not.

    I realize that James did an great job of showing showing the difference between expecting too much and too little, but I do think it could be expanded more. Showing the extremes are nice and all but it’s really the grey area that isn’t discussed as much.

  21. AK said:

    Psychological abuse is such a thing that so hard to spot, let alone to prove… I lived it… and i did not even know what was going on i thought it was normal at some point… till my fiend who spent a few days at our house started telling me what she saw… i did not see it.. all i said “you just don’t know him”… well the moment i found myself crying on the floor wanting to “check out” and understanding i would never be able to do so because i already had 4 kids… i had to find a different solution..
    psychological abuse victims are real and system can’t really do much about them as of yet… we as human people have to start paying attention to those who are around us and be mindful ans aware of ourselves as well … i think that is the way to start solving such things. by speaking up…
    Thank you James for your articles and knowledge!

    • James Bauer said:

      Prevention of intimate partner violence has two levels.
      1) Understand the behaviors that normalize IPV:
      • Sexism/rigid gender roles
      • Male & female gender stereotypes
      • Victim blaming
      • Normalizing violence
      2) Use specific strategies for intervention when these behaviors are occurring:
      • Create a distraction
      • Verbally support a targeted person (whether present or not)
      • Change the perspective (e.g., Instead of asking why someone would stay with a violent partner, ask why a partner thinks it’s okay to harm a loved one.)
      • Direct confrontation (using assertive communication)
      • Naming or acknowledging the offense (e.g., “I feel like that’s blaming the victim.”)
      • Make it personal (e.g., “Dude, you have a sister.”)

      These were comments by psychologist, Aarika V. White, PhD, HSPP who posted them on a psychological bulletin called PsychBytes.

  22. ChristineL said:

    Thank you for sharing this, I find this really interesting and I very much agree with the essence of the story. However I find it very difficult to find the right balance – i.e. How do I know if things are fine and I’m exaggerating or if he’s actually mistreating me? Your examples are very extreme. Obviously, Leah should have left her abusive partner. But where does abuse start? I’ve just come out of a 5-year relationship with a guy that wasn’t good for me. He was never ready to commit, I could tell that he felt he was missing out on other women (which he only confirmed after the breakup), he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough in many aspects… Overall, he was really detrimental to my confidence and I feel much better without him. They were just little things, hurtful comments here and there, disrespectful and disloyal demeanour towards me, sometimes even in front of other people… On the other hand, he was and is a genuinely good-hearted and loving person and this other side of him just didn’t make sense. When I confronted him about these things, he said that he didn’t mean any of it, he didn’t know why he sometimes acted like this and it felt honest and real. When we had this type of conversation, he would cry and apologise and promise me heaven on earth just to turn around a few weeks later and revert to becoming a mean, selfish commitment phobic. Now that we’ve been separated and I have completely cut contact I cannot believe that I actually stayed with him all this time (plus I really think he has some kind of personality disorder) but while I was in the thick of it, when we had arguments he somehow managed to convince me that I was exaggerating and made me feel ridiculous and unreasonable on top of everything. Now I’m scared to start a relationship again. I don’t trust my gut feel anymore and I would rather be single all my life than go through such a hurtful experience again. So how can I tell if a relationship is toxic?

    • James Bauer said:

      That’s a good question, and an important point you raise. Human judgment does not work very well outside the context of comparison.

      In other words, if I asked if something was big, you would need to compar it to something else before you would know whether it was big or small. If I ask you if someone is beautiful, it’s much easier to answer that question if you have several other people to compare.

      It can be the same way when you’re trying to figure out whether negative experiences are really out of the norm. The best solution is to ask someone who has a lot of comparison points to use. A licensed counselor is a good example, especially one who has experience dealing with domestic abuse issues.

      But sometimes you can also get a better perspective simply by asking friends to give you their perception on whether or not certain behaviors seem better or worse than the kinds of things they deal with in their relationships. That is another way of gaining points of comparison to help you know whether you are in a situation that is difficult versus toxic.

  23. VN said:

    I will tell you the very true story of a sweet, soft-spoken, beautiful woman – my cousins’ aunt, who I will call Rhonda, to protect her children from embarrassment. My cousins were my cousins because our mothers were sisters. Rhonda was THEIR aunt on their father’s side of the family, therefore she wasn’t my aunt. But we were all very close and I loved her like an aunt, and I was very close to her and to her children, as well as to my own cousins. Her husband Billy drank too much – WAY too much, way too often – and became abusive when he drank. He was a very angry, jealous, possessive man, always afraid some other man would win his beautiful wife’s heart. For reasons I could never understand, she loved the jerk, and would have never dreamed of being unfaithful. She was a very moral, committed woman. Billy made his wife’s (and children’s) life a living hell because of his extreme jealousy. She wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING. He was always checking up on her, following her, accusing her. She tolerated it quietly. But when his anger became more and more explosive as he drank more and more, she was afraid for her life – and her children’s safety. He told her repeatedly that if she ever left him, he would find her and kill her, that if he couldn’t have her, NOBODY would have her. Those closest to her, who had seen the bruises and marks, and who worried about hers and her children’s safety, begged her to leave him. For years she refused. But the time came when it became intolerable and and she was convinced she had to get away from him. She went to the police and begged for help. She told them she had to take the children and leave him, but she knew he would kill her if he found her. The police said they were very sorry, but there was nothing they could do since he hadn’t committed or been convicted of any crime. They said all they could do was get an order telling him he could not come near her.
    (A lot of good that piece of paper does with an insanely jealous, angry man.)
    Rhonda got an apartment and was careful not to let Billy find out where she and the children were. But she lived in constant fear – just as she had been doing for years. Although she didn’t see him, he obviously found her and followed her to where she was living. One morning on her way to work, his car pulled up BESIDE hers on a two-lane, rather deserted, road that she had to travel to get to work. He was driving like a maniac and kept trying to force her off the road. He finally succeeded in pushing her off the road (in front of a cemetery ironically) and pulled his car partially in front of hers so she couldn’t take off again. He jumped out of the car before she could back up and go around him, shot her in the face several times, killing her. He jumped back in his car and sped off, then called his brother (my uncle through marriage), and told him what he had just done. He then shot and killed himself rather than go to prison.
    We tell these poor women, “Leave him, get out, move away, don’t be a fool by staying”. But if we haven’t lived in their situation, we have no concept of the FEAR they are subjected to if they DO leave him. We say, “If you have no money (and believe me, men like this make SURE their wife has no money, no matter how many jobs she might work), just go stay with a friend or relative. But she knew if she moved in with friends or relatives, he would find her and THEY would have been subjected to his wrath as well. Which friend or relative should she put in that dangerous position?

    So this dear sweet lady did what everyone told her she HAD to do – she left him. But for the safety of her friends and relatives, she had to go it alone. But sadly, she was right. He DID find her. And he DID kill her. Their three school-aged children became orphans in less than an hour’s time. Am I saying she should have stayed with the jerk? No. Of course not. I am simply saying that leaving isn’t as easy for them as we think it is. Restraining orders don’t do a bit of good when you’re dealing with that kind of man. What would YOU say she should have done????????????? What would YOU have done, if you had been in her position?

  24. VN said:

    As a P.S. to the above post about Rhonda and Billy…..
    We are always quick to say the abusive man was abused himself and that’s why he is the way he is. And I know that is in fact often the case. But not always. Billy’s brother was my uncle, having married my mother’s sister. My uncle was very much a part of my life from the day I was born. And he still is. And you couldn’t ask for a gentler, more mild-mannered, kind, peace-loving man. He’s never drank and I’ve never heard him raise his voice. His wife – and grown children – love him dearly. Billy and my uncle were raised in the same home by the same mother and father. Was one abused and one not? I definitely don’t think so. If anything, Billy was the good-looking, charismatic one (then). I think Billy just had his own demons, his own issues, his own personality flaws (jealousy, possessiveness, anger) which he made no effort to overcome or correct. And he chose to mix all that up with lots of alcohol, which some men can drink and become roly poly teddy bears, while others become…. BEARS.

  25. Mary said:

    I was a trophy wife with 3 beautiful children. My husband drank on weekends when he came home after truck driving all week.I was verbally and physically abused . I left many times but came back when he promised to CHANGE. i felt trapped because i had no means of supporting my children.He was not mean to my children ,but they witnessed the violence. When the police rescued us and brought us to a neighbor,he said by law he could not take us any further.It was very difficult because my daughter was rebellious and ran away I got a job as a telephone operator but as hard as i tried he had men call me to frighten me. He had a hit man hired to murder me but did not follow through. I feared him till he died of heart failure. I looked at him in the casket and thought YOU CANT HURT ME ANY MORE

  26. debs said:

    I personally think the courts were right…this woman obviously put heraelf and her fears before protecting her own child.
    There is a saying that there is nothing more fierce on the planet than a mother protecting her child….so where was this mothers protective instinct?
    And not only that …when she clearly knew how abusive he was then what was she doing going out and leaving the child with him….serious lack of concern!!!
    I see people saying what were the authorities doing to help her….well you can only help someone who wants to be helped…she likely covered for him.
    All the times she rang the police then sge could have pressed on with the charges knowing that the law would have convicted him and child services would have kept him well away and her child and herself would have been free but for them to not prosecute him after she made reports then she must have dropped the charges or covered for him…how selfish can u get?

  27. Brandy said:

    I do think she should have been punished, only if she would have suspected her children could be in danger one day I’ve never been brainwashed by a man so I can’t put myself in her shoes. I think if you are raised in a healthy environment with a strong father figure, women would be stonger and alot more wiser in their choices.

  28. Lily said:

    For God’s sake why wasn’t he locked up? If he’d done it to a complete stranger he would have been. Any violence should mean jail time automatically. It should be the one first offence where a second chance is not an option.
    Rest assured that violence in a relationship rarely is the first form of the abuse – it goes from contempt, lack of respect, gas lighting to the first physical blows. If you are afraid it’s the healthy normal reaction to danger. Trust yourself.

  29. hope said:

    Hello, dear ones,

    As a child, I often have been abused (they used to beet me) by my parents, but primarelly, by my brother, and later violated (by other men). Point. That happened because I was used to be abused, and I was supposed not to oppose any resistance at all, to nothing bad that could happen to me. I took a “long vacation” between 4 walls, under lock, no contacts, no friends, no phone, no psychiatry, no police complain (it was a shame for the family, even it was not at all my fault).
    Just me and my thoughts. Almost getting crazy. 3 years.
    I was so strong, that strong, that I recovered myself (sort of), by escaping from home, and… I begun a wonderful life, in a top industry (very high than my family level), was very proud, but… never could trust men, people in general.
    I stood 7 years with a man that used me, because he never proposed me, the relationship was going nowhere.
    The next relationship gave me reaches, but, no marriage because “he wouldn’t split his possessions”, no kids etc. But proffesionaly I grew skyrocket, incredible, I was too much for him. I was his pride and joy. But I was not gratified for that. Shortly, he escrocated me (and never admitted – everything was in “his garden” belonged to him ~ 100K ). 16 years.
    Finally, I fell in love with the greatest guy in my life – “the one” – but he is married. So?

    But… I’ve never been beetn again. My gain.

    Now, I want my love. The only chance to live the life that would mean something, a life that worth living, but above of all, I deserve.

    So… The lesson for all women … NEVER LET ANYONE ABUSE YOU … NO WAY… good for you, good for your children, for anyone around you.

    (There are men whom are being physically “corrected” by his wives, men that stay in matrimony for the sake of their children).

    Be brave, my dears, God bless you all!

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