Are There Any Tricks To Making A Man Fall In Love With You?

attracting menThe short answer is yes.

For example, in my training materials I describe a method for making your pupils grow larger while making eye contact with a man.

Executed correctly, this technique can cause him to feel drawn towards you in a romantic way (without knowing why).

(Our pupils enlarge whenever we are looking at something we like or want. At a subconscious level we notice when this happens to someone we are interacting with…which stirs positive feelings of attraction.)

You can also pull hard on a man’s emotions by connecting with him through the power of story.

That method takes some practice, but it basically means tapping into the fact that the human brain is wired for story.

We pay attention when someone tells a story. We get emotionally involved when someone shares their story. I’m talking about short snippets of story you weave into your natural conversation.

But in today’s coaching email we are discussing something right under your nose that you may have missed.

Think about what you already know about love. Using your existing knowledge base, try answering the following question.

Jack and Jill work in the same office setting. If Jill wants to make Jack fall in love with her, should she increase or decrease the following factors?

  • Going out of her way to create contact and basically “show up” more frequently
  • Using nonverbal flirtation to indicate openness to an advance from Jack
  • Length of sustained eye contact when speaking with Jack
  • Effort to maximize physical attractiveness (exercise, cosmetics, and style)
  • Non-work related conversation with Jack
  • Expressions of anger when Jack is around
  • Expressions of sarcasm or bitterness about the job or anything else
  • Discussion of how awful her last romantic relationship was because of the “jerk” she was dating
  • Demonstrations of possessiveness or jealousy when Jack gives attention to other women in the office

These factors are all fairly obvious, yet many people ignore them, thinking they have to wait for magic potion number nine before they’ll have any chance with a particular guy.

Have you ever heard that expression, “Good things come to those who wait?” Well it doesn’t apply here!

Take the skills and knowledge you already have and do a mental inventory to MAKE SURE you are already maximizing as many variables as you can to shift the odds in your favor. I’m talking about the obvious stuff you already know about.

Ideally, we want Jill to make frequent, pleasant, and relaxed points of contact with Jack, gazing deeply into his eyes for just a second or two longer than a person typically would with a coworker.

attracting menShe should be casual and positive without negativity or sarcasm about life or work.

She should speak positively of other people, while dropping subtle hints that she finds Jack’s company to be particularly enjoyable (e.g., commenting that she can relate to him more easily than others.)

She should be exercising to stay fit (as much for self-confidence as anything else), and get up ten minutes earlier each morning to ensure she shows up at work in a relaxed mood, looking her best.

We want Jill to flash her best smile the second she makes eye contact with Jack each morning, demonstrating interest in any personal issue he discloses during the brief interactions they share at work.

We want her to do all this while appearing competent and interested in her work. Jill is more likely to pull this off if she takes a moment for a self-assessment. She needs to slow down just long enough to consider what she is doing well and what she could do better.

Now what happens if you stack a ton of these influencing factors in your favor? There is an exponential increase in the chances of a good outcome.

Does it guarantee that he will fall for you? No, there are hundreds of other variables that can sway the outcome one way or another.

Nonetheless, those who persist at applying the power they have generally achieve outcomes they desire far more frequently than those who simply give it all up to chance.

Which kind of person do you want to be?

My advice? Take life by the horns! Start today by doing a quick self-assessment to rediscover areas where you could up your game.

Whatever gets your best energy in this life will thrive. Whether it’s your work, your kids, your fitness, your friendships, or something else, it will only thrive if it gets your attention and energy.

The areas of your life that get your best energy are the ones that thrive. And your attention determines what gets your energy (and what gets neglected).

So If you really want better relationship outcomes, use your attention as a tool to bring more energy to the little things you may be neglecting. Use what you already know.

Talk to you soon.

James Bauer

What Men Secretly Want

After consuming this short-guide, you will possess a secret that men cannot express well because it is so foundational to their view of the world that they don't even realize it is there.

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78 thoughts on “Are There Any Tricks To Making A Man Fall In Love With You?

  1. Connie said:

    Thanks – my life is a bit messed up at the moment and you make me feel like I can handle it though

  2. Because of you I now know how to choose my partner insead of him choosing me. You’re
    so right about the respect thing… Rachel

  3. maria said:

    Reading the blog helps me understand what I want to do in a relationship. I’m going for what I want cause it makes me happy even if I failed.

    • James Bauer said:

      Awesome!!! That’s what I like to hear!

  4. Blessing said:

    what if it is a distance relationship

    • James Bauer said:

      If he hasn’t already fallen for you, the “trick” would be showing up so he has the chance to fall for you. Long distance relationships are only worthwhile if they are moving toward something more (or if the distance does not preclude frequent in-person contact).

  5. Blessing said:

    what if he is showing some signs, he is interested but has not said anything about it. how can you know he is really interested in you or he is just being nice as a friend?

    • James Bauer said:

      Ah…excellent follow-up question. But that is an article for another day. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Nancy said:

        My question exactly. I too, will be awaiting your response.

      • Michelle Trost said:

        I am going through the exact same thing mixed feelings, cold heartless, mean, but hes still communicating. And after reading tricks to get him to fall for you ….it dawned on me just continue doing what your doing not in a clingy crazy persona but what you did to make him fall for you in the beginning. I now know mine is true love. As soon as he saw me no matter where he never took his eyes off me , were dating almost seven months but everyday was like it was yesterday!

  6. Blessing said:

    Thanks, i will be expecting your respond

  7. Like blessed asked there is every sign showing his interest including love songs n complements he gives but has not said anything about it yet mean while his actions have put you in d mood too, how do you help him come out to say it?

    • James Bauer said:

      My opinion is that if he has communicated it to you in these various ways he has already “said it” in his own way. Communication is not always verbal. Go with what he has already communicated.

      • Trisha said:

        I definitely agree with that James that communication is not always verbal. I had a boyfriend who found it difficult to actually say those 3 little words but he showed it in many ways. For example, got my coffee cup ready in the mornings; at times he woke up hours before me to get work done so he would put a blanket on the floor along the door crack as to block out noise of the tv and coffee maker; he would wait at the garage door and open it when I returned home from work; and more.

          • Mi said:

            agree with lila. ehrm… guessing you exchanged him for a bad boy who gave attention once per month while keeping 5 other women? xD

          • Trisha said:

            Its actually a lot more that he did or did not do that I cannot share thus I exited out of the relationship. Even though it can feel right at times doesnt necessarily means he is the right guy for you.

          • Ann Ivey said:

            Yes,i can’t stop time or other factors,like not marrying beacuase of other laws. I can turn it around though! One example is changing your story together.we still believed we had a future and I gave him some of my money,which he used to buy me an instructive book. I had asked for an investment-type gift to be bought and this book had all that was necessary to survive the breakup while continuing our converstaions and learning on into these days. Ann,age 57

        • Lena said:

          You are lucky woman, Trisha, to have such attention and “communication” from the man!

  8. Alessa said:

    James that’s the best thing o could hear,thank you for your help your the best!!!

  9. Liesel said:

    Hi James,
    There is a guy that I am really interested in. However before we met, he told me that he was already committed to meeting a lady he has been communicating with for over a year. We met anyway, in the context of friends. But we both developed feelings for each other, and although we still chat he refuses to see me as he says it confuses things. He is meant to meet this other lady this weekend. How do I get the upper hand here without actually seeing him and using all of the above in your article?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Liesel. You said his motivation for not wanting to meet you was that he thinks “it confuses things.” Does that mean he wants to be friends rather than lovers, or does it mean it confuses his attempts to be loyal to this other woman?

      If it’s the first scenario, you will want to lower his defenses by being a good friend. In time, he may become willing to spend time with you in person again or develop feelings for you that change his mind about being just friends.

      If it is the second scenario, you will want to respect his decision to be loyal to a commitment, while keeping in mind that he has already met you (and found that to stimulate romantic feelings) while he has never met this other lady in person and the odds are against him feeling a connection. Be patient and consistent in staying a part of his life until he is ready to pursue something with you.

      • Liesel said:

        As far as I understand, it is the second scenario as he has said that if it wasn’t for the other lady, he would date me. I am afraid of landing in the “friendzone” and then staying there. I also find it difficult to talk to him lately because references to her are rather painful. I have reacted in the past rather angrily, and I’m sure by now he thinks I have multiple personalities as one minute I’m friendly and the next I’m telling him I dont want to speak to him anymore. I react with my heart and not my head, and I hope I haven’t completely ruined my chances by doing so.

        • Joan said:

          Liesel, I hope you don’t mind me chiming in! But, relegate him into YOUR friend zone, as there are many quality men out there to choose from. It sounds like HE has multiple personalities and enjoys playing the field. If you enjoy flirting with him DO it, (and you should, as well, be interacting with other men to expand your options and fun), but do not extend much emotional energy on a guy who is too wishy washy to make any decisions regarding you. Too bad he will be missing out on a good thing! Good luck in finding the “right” one!

          • James Bauer said:

            Yeah. I think Joan is making sense here, Leisel. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it is probably a sensible approach given the circumstances. Acceptance of reality as you find it will help you endure it with less mental anguish. It will also reduce those angry reactions you’ve been having when he mentions the other woman.

        • been there said:

          Honesty being the best policy, I think you should be upfront with him about what you’re feeling within this scenario..Sounds like After he meets her he needs the old Poop or get off the pot lecture. Don’t belittle yourself by letting him drag this out until he decides. You certainly don’t want to be the “Other woman” before even being the woman. I certainly get respecting his loyalty but at the same time if he’s been communicating with someone for over a year what’s he doing out there meeting you. In that light it doesn’t seem very loyal.Good Luck

  10. joy y said:

    Nid some advice pls. am a hot and beautiful girl. Atleast wit some class or level but I notice that d kind of guys that approach me for relationship are lower than me. Lik 2 pipo in different class or category

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Joy. Are you saying you want to be approached by men who are better looking or something? Maybe you could clarify.

      • Mi said:

        please define “lower than me”.

    • nat said:

      Joy, i am not a native english speaker, but the language you use is not classy-so maybe what outside world sees of you is not with class and level?! Could it be?!

  11. I have a guy at work ask me out, I messed up and said no, you see he is English and at times has a heavy accent when he says certain phrases. He then began to avoid me. I sent him an email apologizing saying that I didnt understand him but that I found his accent very charming. He then began flirting with me. I thought about my mistake some more then decided to apologize in person. Then he stopped flirting with me which left me confused. I then decided not to pay attention to him altogether. After a week of ignoring him, he comes into the office and passes by my desk and casually says good morning to me so I could notice his haircut and see he was dressed nice. He still has not called me (he has my number), or asked me out again. I know from intuition that he likes me…What can I do at this point?–I’m a bit rusty on my man skills……

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Leonor. Try to keep things balanced, meaning you come close to matching his level of showing interest. Give it time so he can work up the nerve to approach you more directly again. He seems to have an unusual ideas about how to go about things, so it’s hard to say at this point what he needs to move forward. Give him time and reciprocate positive steps when the opportunities arise.

  12. I really am at a loss of what to do, where to go from this point in my realationship, if you could even call it that at this point it has slowed down to the point that I haven’t seen him for a week and 4 days. He sends me a text with a wink, which means he is thinking about me, but I’m totally confused.
    To start, we had a meshed connection that felt awesome and we spent practically every evening together for 3 months, after about a month he told me he Loved me and I felt the same, I took him on a romantic getaway for his Birthday.
    We had one week were I wanted to communicate some concerns to him. He then stated that he wanted to slow down the relationship. I was shell shocked. He took 6 days to contact me. We had dinner at his place, talked Very little, I expressed that I was hurt and left it at that, we cuddled on the couch, watched a movie, and I left (since the slow down, I wasn’t willing to sleep with him anymore as it had been 6 days that he decided to see me). Anyway, I asked if we were back to just dating and if we should date other people he said that he didn’t want to see anyone else. But, I’ve hardly heard from him regarding going out, so I have let him know that I will start dating again, since he wants to back off so much as I don’t want to miss my opportunity if he is not Mr right.
    Am I going about it all wrong. Should I not date and just wait in him? So confused, please helpw

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Beth. It sounds like there is too much good here to just walk away or let it fade without effort to get through this. He has shown a desire to have a good relationship with you, but something you said to him apparently shocked him or scared him in a way you do not currently have insight about. Getting that insight is your top priority right now. Ask him to help you understand how the recent conversation about your concerns affect him. Tell him you want to know the truth so the two of you can work through it together.

  13. Amanda said:

    I have been dating this guy for a few months now, he likes to be the alpha male and instigate everything that happens in our relationship. When we are together, we always end up making out. I feel like the relationship has got too physical and I really want a relationship based on something more meaningful because that is where I think true love develops. How do I tell him how I feel without him losing interest in me?

    • James Bauer said:

      Good question, Amanda. Rather than having a sad conversation about backing up, I recommend you tell him that you’ve decided you like him enough to reach for something more in the relationship you share. Tell him you want to see where things could go if you set aside time to talk more and spend quality time together.

  14. Hi James! I really love your work, it’s very enlightening. There’s something which is bothering me for a very long time now. I’m guessing only u can help? So there’s this guy I genuinely like (even though I like to deny it at times). We have known each other for 5 years now. Things between us are very unpredictable, too up and down. Sometimes we are the closest friends, sometimes we flirt. One minute it’s beautiful and in another it’s gone. When things between us get really intense I suddenly feel he is withdrawing. We get distant from each other and stop talking for an indefinite period of time. Then he appears again, things get back to normal until we reach that point again. We have been running around this circle for a really long time. I don’t even understand what we are. When I tried to clarify it with him, he said he obviously likes me but he wants to give this more time as he doesn’t want me to regret or get hurt later on. Okay now we are going through that silent phase again. He did text few days back, after a month but I didn’t reply because this time he left me too hurt. I don’t know what to do. I tried to move on but realised no one can make me happy as much as he does. Is there any ‘trick’ to make him act how he truly feels? Or is there a way to find out how he feels about me?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Arora. If he feels something special toward you, he will want to reveal it. Think about it. Every time you have ever had that special feeling toward someone, you have a mix of desire to express it on one hand, and a fear of expressing it (lest you be rejected or make a fool of yourself) on the other hand.

      So my advice in these kinds of situations is to be more open than most people are. It will “release him” to express whatever he is actually feeling. Going for what you want in relationships starts with asking for what you want. Right now, “asking for what you want” means asking him if he has felt the same special connection you have felt toward him at times. If he says he has, the next question is about whether he is at a place in his life right now where he has an interest in seeing where things might go if you deliberately spent more time together (rather than letting it be haphazard as it has been lately).

      Tip: When you express the fact that you have felt something special toward him, phrase it in a way that makes it easy to frame what you said as a genuine compliment reflecting the fact that you find him attractive as a human being. This way, if he says, “Thanks, but I don’t feel that spark with you,” you can walk away with your head held high. After all, you have courageously complimented him, while revealing something about your internal response to his qualities, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

  15. Lizzy said:

    Hi i kinda need help… I have this situation where i don’t know what to do. I like my ex (i left him… He says he forgave me but i don’t believe it) and sometimes he gives me signs that he likes me back but it kinda looks like he has a relationship with another girl. We still talk but its not the same obviously… My best friend and i have been talking and i kinda like him but the thought of my ex keeps haunting me. He recently asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend and i kinda want to, but i feel like what i feel for him isn’t strong enough. I kind of feel stuck because we already talk like we were together but actually we aren’t yet. I want this to happen but he kinda expects me to be with him forever and I’m not sure i can do that. I still have feelings for my ex.

    • James Bauer said:

      I see. I admire the fact that you are being cautious to avoid hurting anyone. It comes down to this. You are not ready to make a long-term commitment to anyone at this point. You owe it to yourself and these men to make that clear…regardless of which one you decide to date. If you knew your ex would take you back, would you take him instead of the other guy? If so, hold out for your ex. If not, tell the other guy you want to date for three months and then re-evaluate where to go from there (because you really like him but don’t feel like you are quite ready to settle into a long-term relationship at this very moment).

      • Lizzy said:

        Thank you !!! You have really helped!

  16. LPj said:

    Hi James,
    I really enjoy reading your articles they are really good and I feel I can apply them. I am pretty attractive and guys really pay attention to me, I just got divorce a couple months ago, and just started to date like a month ago. I’ve meet a few guys and been in dates with them, as I am pretty new at dating I wasn’t expecting meeting someone that I really like, but it happened, He gave me tons of attention at the beginning and tried to see me a lot, after a few dates we end up sleeping together it was faster that I will like because we saw each other almost every other day at the beginning (during the holydays) Anyways, he said a couple times that he is not sleeping around that he likes to be in a relation ship and stuff. I was not expecting anything because I am still dating other guys ( I don’t even kiss them just to go out,) because I don’t want to sit to wait for him to call me so I keep my agenda as busy as I can ๐Ÿ˜‰ And I know that I have to keep my options open… Anyways he is pulling of, now he just texts me every couple days, and keeps telling me that he is super busy (which I know is true he is really successful and works a lot, plus has kids that he needs to spend time with). But at the same time, I know that if you are really interested you find time so I’m confused, I really like him so that’s why I have not stop communication with him but I don’t want to be played by him and became his booty call.. I need your help ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • James Bauer said:

      I see. That is a tricky situation.

      First of all, I want to congratulate you on your positive choice to fill your agenda with lots of activities and not put all of your eggs in one basket (with one man at the early stages of dating). It’s for the very reason that you are currently facing that I frequently recommend that you see multiple men at the same time at the early stages of dating.

      He may be genuinely busy, and come back to you when things let up at work and at home, but in the meantime, I recommend you take action to eliminate the possibility that he thinks you’re not very interested in him (since you are seeing other people).

      I recommend you send him a simple message that basically communicates the idea that while you are enjoying dating several people, he is at the top of your list, and you are willing to make time for him if he wants to spend time with you. Then get back to dating other guys unless he really starts to pursue you.

      You are doing a lot of things right, so keep moving forward!

      • LPJ said:

        Thanks for your quick response James, I really appreciated. I did texted him twice, asking him how is he doing and that I miss him and he answers that is super busy, that he miss me 2 , hope see you soon send me a couple kisses and that’s it. lol I don’t know what else I can do to get his attention, or if I should talk to him straight that I am seeing other people but he is the only one that I sleep with and that I really like, or just stop texting him and wait if he finally finds time…

        • James Bauer said:

          Okay. It’s probably time to wait for a few weeks until he reaches out to you. Then ask him if he has any ideas for how you could spend time with each other despite his busy schedule. In other words, put the ball in his court and see what he does.

  17. LPJ said:

    Thanks for your quick response James, I really appreciated. I did texted him twice, asking him how is he doing and that I miss him and he answers that is super busy, that he miss me 2 , hope see you soon send me a couple kisses and thatโ€™s it. lol I donโ€™t know what else I can do to get his attention, or if I should talk to him straight that I am seeing other people but he is the only one that I sleep with and that I really like, or just stop texting him and wait if he finally finds timeโ€ฆ

  18. Allison said:

    how do i approach this with someone who has had his heart broken and there’s a possibilty that he might be playing with me? he doesn’t find it easy to trust or love but i think if we try it can work. he’s been feeling me out for the past few weeks but i think a problem is that i told him i dont believe in premarital sex and he likes his active sex life. i think this is now a challenge for him so now he wants to change my mind, get it, and leave me hanging? or give us a real shot? i’m confused.

    • Heather said:

      We have all had our hearts broken. That doesn’t give us the right to use others!! Love and trust take time. Ultimately, loving and trusting someone is a choice. Keep your convictions!!! Let him know what you want in the future; a partner, success in profession, marriage, house, family. Don’t put him into the equation, it’s about what you want! If he wants that, he will continue to pursue you. If he’s trying to play you and trying to “break” your convictions, he will soon tire and move on to the next woman. Keep in mind, he might need time alone (not in a romantic relationship) to heal. Or he may not be capable of having a loving and trusting relationship because that’s what he believes about himself. In those cases, he would need counseling. Hmmm, he might just need Jesus!! Be blessed ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Shellie said:

    Dear James
    I want to thank you for your insight. I have am dealing with some insecurity in my relationship. My boyfriend is incredible to me, but when he checks out other women in front of me and makes comments it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I am not enough. I worry that our play talk in bed he is trying to make it real. Fantasy is one thing but how do I communicate my feelings of insecurity to him without offending him. How do I get over my feelings of not being enough which I have felt since I was a child. I know he loves me and wants to be with me. How can I make him not feel the need to even look anyone else.
    Thank you

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Shellie. That is an excellent question, but one I would prefer to address privately. You can sign up for private email coaching if you want personal advice on how to bring him into a gradually unfolding process of communication about this delicate issue. Here is a link if you want to pursue individual email coaching.

      • my said:

        Why would you need to address this privately..?

      • Shellie said:

        I can not afford the fee for private coaching ๐Ÿ™

      • Debra Holland said:

        The best thing you can do is be confident in yourself and secure his love for you. There’s nothing wrong with noticing attractive people. It’s actually normal, especially for guys, as long as it’s not too tongue-hanging-out-of-the-mouth blatant. Getting upset with him is often more about your own insecurities, and that’s what you need to work on.

        Try doing just the opposite and sometimes drawing his attention to someone. “Hey, honey, look at that beautiful woman coming our way.” He’ll love that he’s with someone who’s so confident, and he’ll feel good that he can be himself without feeling guilty or getting in trouble.

  20. whitewings3set said:

    James James, i need your help. I have been in a tumultous relationship for the past 1.5 years. He asked my parents for my hand in marriage after only 3 weeks of knowing me. A few weeks after that my dad died & we moved to Costa Rica a few weeks after that. I went on a tailspin after that. He abandoned me in Costa Rica & after a few weeks apart asked me to come back home so we can work it out…over a year later & we r not married nor even…Engaged anymore. He says he can fix us if i would only listen to his advice. He says i complain too much & it is causing him to be verbally & emotionally abusive towards me. What do I do? Where do I go from here?

    • James Bauer said:

      I’m sorry to hear about the wild ride you have been on because of this relationship. It sounds like the two of you moved too quickly. You barely knew each other when making plans to enmesh your lives and decisions.

      At this point you need to start with zero-sum thinking, meaning you ask yourself if you would get into a relationship with this man starting now if you had never committed to him in the first place. This mode of thinking clears your mind of what psychologists call “sunken investment” where you feel desperate to salvage an investment from the past (which you really cannot salvage as you only have the future ahead of you).

      If, after that self-assessment you decide you really want to pursue things with this man, I suggest you pursue personal coaching on this issue as it is a multistage process.


  21. Yasmin said:

    Hi James,
    since 3 months I’m dating a guy who is obviously showing me his affection, attention and romantic feelings- giving small presents to me, sending me sweet messages, acting like a gentleman ( opening the doors for me and such things), giving me compliments, calling me sweet names, he is touching and kissing me all the time, holding my hand when we walk on the streets, he gives me a feeling to be very special and important to him and so on. And the sex with him is just mind blowing …
    At the beginning of our dating we both agreed that we want an affair without commitment, because I’m freshly divorced and I didn’t want to jump immediately in a new serious relationship too soon and he, well, the love of his life broke his heart and so he is avoiding some deeper feelings and a new commitment. This was perfectly fine for me. But I have developed deeper feelings for him and I can’t really enjoy our relationship anymore, because I want more. I don’t want to live with him, but I would like to have an exclusive relationship with him. I know that he isn’t dating other women and he isn’t sleeping around, but this can happen because of the nature of our relationship. So I’m thinking about to talk to him about my feelings openly. On the other side I’m afraid to destroy our relationship and make him pull away from me. He told me that he broke up in the past with the women he was dating, when they tried to make him commit to them, because he just isn’t ready for it.
    I noticed that I’m crying or feeling sad often when he leaves instead of just being happy, because I would like to say three magical words to him and hear him saying them back, but I just can’t. I don’t want to loose a perfect lover, but I would like to feel more secure and certain. Can you understand my dilemma? What would you suggest to me?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Yasmin. You don’t need a commitment from him to get what you want. All you want is for him to not pursue relationships with other women right now. Making that more specific request would not go against the flow of his current mood about relationships.

      A commitment is something he is psychologically phobic of right now because of his sensitive emotional state. However, you have the right to say you are enjoying the interactions, but your own personal standard is that you will not continue that if he is also pursuing other women at the same time. State it as your own boundary rather than something you are asking him to do.

      If he wants to stay in the relationship with you (which obviously he does; and he doesn’t need more drama in his life right now) he will be fine with living by the standards you have set for yourself.

      • Yasmin said:

        Thank you James! This actually sounds so simple. So you don’t think it’s necessarily to hear from him the three magical words to feel more “secure” in this relationship? It’s just the way I’m thinking- if I say to somebody “I love you”, it means I’m making clear to him that I’m willing to be faithful and I’m not interesting in other men, but it doesn’t have to mean immediately that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

  22. Chrystal said:

    Hi James, I’m having a difficult deciding of whether I should let go of a man or if we still have a chance. We’ve been friends for 20+ years, we didn’t see each other offer or talk but he’s always been a good friend. We ran into each other after many years of not seeing each other. We both going through some difficult times & decided that if he moved in with me that it would help us both out. Well, he started telling me I was beautiful, introducing me as his girl & slept in the same bed every night, of course we were intimate. He made statements about how good of a team we made & we do make an awesome team. He had an ex that he had been with for approx 2 year’s. His wife passed away 12 years ago & this ex was his wife’s best friend. We lived together for about 7 weeks then one day when I was at work, I came home to find out he packed everything up & was gone. He said I was being too needy, pushy & things moved too fast. I was heartbroken & felt terrible bc I was acting very needy. He finally confessed that he was back with his ex. I continued to text/ talk to him the entire time he was with her. I wanted to still be his friend. He came to “visit” , “hang” out with me & my family about every couple weeks bc he said he loved hanging out with us. He would spend the night but we didn’t have sex each time. That went on for a couple months & he’s telling me how unhappy he is with her but if he left her then he would be being greedy bc he wants to go be with another woman (me) when this other woman took care of him when he wasn’t working. I always let him know that I was there for him as a friend. One day he asked if I would let him come back & we could work on being a team again, of course I let him. It was just comfortable & convient bc he is still my friend. He came back & I had my guard up this time & definitely wasn’t as needy & pushy. He stayed with me for about 8 weeks this time. I decided I would just be his friend & things evolved then great but if not then oh, well. We still slept in the same bed & were intimate but we weren’t “full steam ahead” this time. He never denied still having feelings for his ex but I figured that was natural & the longer they stayed apart the more he would want me & not her. I just accepted it, I know it wasn’t the best bc I definitely have a lot stronger feelings than just a friend. His job was changing locations & I went out with my girlfriends & came home to find him gone once again. I didn’t mess around with asking him where he went. I drove by her house & there sat his car. I confronted him & he said he didn’t plan on going to her house & that they weren’t back together, that he still loved her but she didn’t love me. He said I was an awesome woman & he didn’t feel like he could give me what I deserved. I got drunk & said some very, mean terrible things to him. He came over the next night & we had a civilized talk & I apologized for saying the things I did but felt lied to & betrayed. He said he was very confused & stressed out over his job moving. He says he is an emotional wreck & I agree but I love him & I know he isn’t a player. He never has been, ever. We gave each other a hug & he left. He also left a lot of his sentimental stuff at my house & I don’t want to tell him to come & get it bc the last time he left, he left his car at my house bc it was broken down, well I told him one day to come & get it bc I wasn’t his storage unit & I’d have it towed. So he said I would do that again with the stuff he left but I promised I wouldn’t. If it was anyone of my other friends stuff & it wasn’t in my way, I wouldn’t demand they come & get it. It’s in a room I never go in so I don’t have to look at it all the time. I feel like he looks at his ex as a mother figure & goes to her when he is having big life changes for advice. He said they make better friends than lovers. I know I should date but I just can’t do it. I just cannot do it. I want to hold onto that glimmer of hope. I feel like he’s gonna give it all he’s got with her again & try to make it work but has great doubt’s but he doesn’t want to live with any regrets, like did I really try. I’ve been distant with him as well as he has been distant with me. I want to stay in contact with him bc I’m afraid he’s gonna forget about me & our good times. We never had any bad times til this last time he left. Should I just give him his space & time & leave him alone? Do you think we have any hope?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Chyrstal! This is a very in-depth question, perfect for the private consultation service available in the new members area. It’s a bit too long for me to address as a blog comment. I love your involvement with the material I post here, but to get a guaranteed response to your personal questions, please use the private consultation service. It’s better for these kinds of questions.

  23. rangiora said:

    Hi I have been in a 8 months relatiship now I have 2 sons to my previous partner of 4yrs and thing a confusing me. At the begging of our relationship he rushed things he said it was love at first sight and realy wanted me to move in, it was A big move for me as I lived distant from him and my oldest son stayed with my mum and I just moved in to my new home and got a job, so I gave it all up to make something work later on during the relationship he slowly started to control me change me if I didn’t he would leave me, I would get confuse but do it as I have no place to go, our culture is totally different he is religious I am not he has alot of girls that flirt with him on networks and he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel but he says he’s so in love with me and he wants to marry me and wants me to trust him it’s not easy tbh it’s like he means to make me feel little of myself and jelous but I love him how do I know he loves me too

    • James Bauer said:

      Perhaps there is a more important question than whether or not he loves you. Does his version of loving a woman make you happy? That is the question that may bring clarity regarding what to do next.

  24. GG said:

    Love your comments, the subtle clues we can offer and make ourselves available, being fun and flirty however, cant it be a waste of energy chasing men? After all you guys are designed for hunting you have the muscles testosterone and stamina to do the heavy lifting; you don’t think the animal thing of man needs to chase woman applies?

    • James Bauer said:

      Yes, it does apply, GG and you raise a good point. It just does not replace the natural flow of how things get started between men and women. The invitation is a green light that overcomes the man’s hesitations about pursuing. He still does the work.

  25. Viv said:

    I live in an isolated area and there is a guy in the neighbouring town that I like. I have met him, he works with my mother one day every two weeks. He only recently moved here and in small towns like these, good looking single men don’t stay single for long. I have been divorced for two years and have not been in a relationship since. I used this time to do some soul searching and really understanding who I am and what I want. Problem is, now that I know, I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t just drive all the way there and pitch up at his work and say ‘hey, I like you’. Do you maybe have some advice?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Viv. See if you can open a line of communication with him. Ask your mom what he is good at and what he knows a lot about (e.g. cars, computers, gardens, job skills). Look for something you can use as an excuse to text him something like, “Hey, my mother said she knows you and that you might be a good person to ask about….(fill in the blank).” Once a line of communication has opened, be genuinely curious about him and don’t bother hiding that you like him.

      Alternatively, you could ask your mother to simply sing your praises and tell him he should call you (and then say to him…as if it was a secret…”my daughter seemed really impressed with you after she met you last month.”).

  26. charnese said:

    I have been seeing a co worker for bout a year and 2 months. We hAve been secretive about our involvement. .when we met I ask if he was involved with anyone he says something like that …now we spent valentine night together, his birthday together , we are together 1-3 times a week. I am wondering if he really has a girlfriend because we are together all the time we’ll most of the night because we both work 2 jobs and don’t stay in same city about hour away, and I’ve spent the night several times at his place?..

    • James Bauer said:

      Have you asked him a second time to get clarification? Your relationship has progressed to a point where you should be open and honest with each other rather than guessing.

  27. emotions said:

    How to get a man to admit he loves you pt has stronger feelings for you?

  28. Helga Eschrich said:

    Dear James.
    I met a man 2 years ago and everything went fine,We have had nice evenings together in his house,going out for dinner,watching Tv and same interests in Shows ,Art etc.
    He is a businessman with his own business and very busy as he does hes own paperwork at home alone after hrs.
    His wife is since 3 years in a Senior home with Alzheimer she doesn’t regonize him,but he goes to visit her and has to bring her supplies too.
    He called me his girlfriend,takes my hand walking in the Restaurant.etc.
    Said once .were very good together more and more.
    We have great sex and he is very kind an lovable.Calls me your a good girl.
    Now since last November his texing went smaller or forgotten .
    for 4-5 days.He prefers that I see him on Fridays.I drive to him,as he has a big dog Retriever and were I live in my own townhome there no animals aloud Also my car need long distance driving too and I love to drive to his place He had 1 week vertigo and then came snowfalls and I was not able to drive to him.On Feb.17th a Friday it was sunny and a nice day he never had asked me to come out.I thought I surprise him and drove to his House.I sat in the driveway when I saw his red Truck approaching.He didn’t drive in.he just sat ther looking at my car then drove around in another lane.
    He came out saying you can’t come in I have company.I saw a much younger woman sitting in his truck.She looked she is l.Nation.He said he picked her up from the Busstation.I looked in his eyes saying.I do not come back,I just want to go in the house and get my pillow.but I will miss you.
    He looke me straight in the eyes saying I/ll miss you too your a good girl.and I saw tears in his eyes.He let me in the house.I saw in the bathroom,a glass with a pink thootbrush and thootpaste.( He never used that he has Dentures.)He just turned 80 years old and Iam not too much younger either.
    But Iam surprised how good he is in Sex.
    I went in the bedroom,all unmade beds,a yellow fluffy woman duster on the bed.I took my pillow from the cupboard and he asked me then Do you have your pillow? Yes.I left crying.
    At home I thought about all this.and texed him: Iam back home.And I do not give you up for this woman,where is she?where does she come from.She is 1.Nation,has not car is poor.etc.And you do not use any protection.This is dangerious for me.I forgive you,and call me if you want me to come back.
    He Go to sleep!
    After that more Fridays followed.with him texing he can’t see me is very busy and Nelda his wife is now 1.Priority she is going down.
    I understand that I texed back.
    Then he texed me : Tell me what you want,what I shall do to you.
    One nice Wednesday I texed him 2:30 pm.Iam coming out leaving 4.00 pm.
    No answrer…but when I just went in his street a tex came back.
    Not a good day today Iam not feeling well.
    It was to late.I went in the house with him ,and sat on the Chesterfield saying nothing.No yelling no cursing,nothing.I saw he was not sick,he walked around and done bookkeeping ,when he was finish with that,I saw he was more relaxed .He made coffee pushed a chair to me.put the coffee there and some cookies.Then I said to him come sit beside me.He put the TV on and sat beside me.Later we open cans and made a soup and ate.
    He kissed me and I went to put fresh sheets on the bed and we went and had Sex again and watched TV in bed and fell asleep,At morning breakfast and he kissed me bye.
    Now,3 Fridays followed without hearing from tex no invitation nothing.
    I texed him Are you ok? I come out an take a look,everything could happen.
    Oh now he texed : Do not come to my place Iam busy!
    Me;Busy picking up the other woman from the Bus?
    So I was fed up and put an ad in the Craig list.Woman is looking for Men.
    I got many replies I had put a picture in.they wrote I look beautiful,age doesnt matter,and I had 3 pictures.from them.
    Then I texed to George Look in the craiglist.and I wrote him,met one and I enclosed 3 male pictures.He texed back:Not my type!
    Then I get some bad texes .One wants to go with me on a cruise and we will sleep in one bed.and he will do that and that and soap my body in the shower etc.
    I transferred this all to George.
    He replied.You like to f.a lots of men do you?
    Me.No I do not.I never met one….yet.
    And I took the ad out again,its just I was upset about the woman in your truck.I still love you.
    He: You can f.whoever you want to its your choice.
    Me.your so gruel! He:Ok.then,do not f.anyone is this kind?
    Me Yes! He: Bullshitt!!
    Another Friday passed.and another.
    He texed me Look Iam very busy lots to do not getting done.
    Nelda (his wife) is 1.priority,I have to see her more as time goes on.
    An you don’t want to wait.

    I wrote him an email about us,how nice everything was etc.
    Then I tex him only 3 foto’s visiting my daughter in their new apartment and how nice she kitchen is,all stainless steel.etc.
    Thats all.Its now 1 Monat I have not seen him or heard from him.
    Today I just texed him: I miss you!
    So,he did not say I shall not come anymore.He says I shall wait!!
    I don’t know how George is standing.
    And how long shall I wait? He texed me going out to see Nelda and after meet some friends for a burger and beer.
    Or he is going shopping and see Nelda after.
    Maybe you can give me an answer to that.
    Thank you and have a nice Day.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello, Helga. (I removed the man’s name from your post just because it seems you revealed a lot of private information here.) Detailed questions like this are better preserved for our private forum. You can access that here if you like.

      As you have probably realized by now, blatant attempts to make someone jealous rarely work. Generally speaking, it is not desire that is lacking in a situation like this. He already seems to desire a relationship with you. What is lacking is a desire for monogamous commitment to one woman.

      And if I’ve understood your message correctly, that is what you desire. Exclusivity. A relationship built on trust.

      Given that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, does he seem like the kind of person you should invest your life in if your goal is trust and commitment?

      Wishing you the best,


      • Helga Eschrich said:

        Dear James
        Thank you very much for your correct useful comments
        I do feel a bid better now!
        I will have the strenght. to wait for him to call me back in his life.
        If this will happen I let you know!
        I was loyal to him. all time and I will continue to do so .with only one reason that I love him.
        Love can be very painful sometimes!
        Thanks again and have a nice day!

  29. Jill said:

    Hi James,

    My life is messed up,but reading through your emails just help me understand what to do in relationship.I am no longer worry too much because I know I can handle the situation now.Thanks very much.

    • James Bauer said:

      Glad to have you as a reader, Jill. I hope you continue to make steady progress toward a life you feel good about. But in the meantime, you should feel proud that you are a person who chooses to keep walking toward her goals for great relationships.

  30. Rayan said:

    Actually he already fallen for me and I want to fix the relation but it seems it’s difficult I’m not patient in general and he is the type of person who needs someone who is patient because of his work nature he used to travel a lot unavailable man emotionally caused me problem although I’m very independent person as a result when I resigned from the company because he works there and we brokeup tried to do my own business his advise is very negative for me he said I can’t do this business and I still need mush of training and help .. I don’t know if being patient is something that I learn even if I learn I can be patient to the extend that requires or that mean I have to change my identity

  31. Lalaina said:

    Thank you so much for all the advices James. …Being single at 30 years old is rather tough for me to accept, in spite of the efforts and actions i did so far to keep a man in my life, to have a long term relationship….Waiting is not my typical, i always look for some things to get ahead and meet my half, soulmate…

    • James Bauer said:

      You’re welcome! Thank you for being one of my valued readers!

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