Avoid this Holiday Romance Mistake

Exchanging gifts at ChristmasThe holidays can be a wonderful time for relationships. Or they can wreak havoc on your dating life. It all depends on whether or not you manage to avoid one critical mistake.

A lot of people roll into the holiday season thinking the festivities will give them unique insight into the status of their relationship. That makes sense, especially if the relationship is new.

There are several potential indicators. Like whether he invites you to be his date for an office holiday party or a New Year’s Eve celebration. Or whether or not he gives you a gift (and what it is). Or how he reacts to your gift.

The temptation is to approach each of these like a litmus test. In fact, earlier this month there was an article in Glamour[i] encouraging readers to do just that! I cringed when I read it because that’s horrible advice.

Holiday events shouldn’t be used as gauges for your relationship’s health. I can give you two reasons why.

The first is that you’re basically trying to play mind-reader. If he invites you to his office holiday party, for example, but doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, he’s not necessarily trying to tell you something.

He could be the kind of person who likes to keep his professional relationships and personal life separate. Or he might feel it’s wrong to use that label before the two of you have discussed it. There’s a slew of reasons why he might choose his words carefully, and most of them have nothing to do with his feelings about you.

So what happens if you assume his actions reveal his secret feelings about you? You create problems. All kinds of miscommunication and unnecessary hurt feelings.

And that’s because It’s incredibly easy to misjudge another person’s intent.

Your best course of action here is to put down the crystal ball. Turn your attention to something else. Something more important. Try –just to enjoy what’s going on as it’s happening.

Which brings me to the second problem with going on a hunt for hidden meaning. When you enter any situation trying to read between the lines, you can easily miss out on the most important thing. Namely, the situation, itself.

Think of all the ways the holiday season can be romantic. There’s a sense of magic in the air. It’s special, which is why so many look forward to it. But few things kill that special feeling as fast as a raw analytical mindset.

What’s more, if you’re on the prowl for hidden meaning in his every move, you’re likely to miss some powerful relationship-building opportunities.

Rather than obsessing over what his gift means or why he chose one venue over another for New Year’s Eve, immerse yourself in each moment as it comes.

Savor the time you have with him. Be open to unexpected surprises. Try not to fret about what every little thing symbolizes. Basically, make a decision to enjoy the relationship one moment at a time.

P.S. – Also, don’t forget to vote for the free report you would like to receive as my gift to you. You can vote here

[i]This Is What the Holidays Can Teach You About Your Relationship Status.” Glamour. N.p., 7 Dec. 2015. Web. 16 Dec. 2015.


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10 thoughts on “Avoid this Holiday Romance Mistake

  1. Terrylynn Aragon said:

    Dear James,

    I really find that your articles are full of very practical and useful advice, I’ve benefited greatly. Thanks.
    There is, however, a situation I find myself in (I’m likely not the only one) that I don’t really find any advice for.
    I am in an LDR with a man I met on an online dating site and lives in another state. Much of the advice regarding LDR’s talks to couples who were together initially and then for what ever reason found themselves separated.
    This man and I have a total history of nine months online, text, & telephone relationship and nine days of real time together. Our physical attraction is very hot and mentally we are mostly on the same wave length. We’re the same age, 55, and we have many interests and core beliefs in common as well as past life’s experiences that we share.
    I feel like the real problem is we can’t be together. If we were breathing the same air, this would be a done deal. It’s difficult to get to really know each other well and build substantially between us via text. he doesn’t like to email and he’s a guy, the long drawn out phone call doesn’t fly. When we’ve been together, wow its like fairy tale/high school romance rolled into one. And the day to day things just seemed to sync.But the distance is killing us. I’m looking for work in his town but nothing yet. We need help or I’m afraid we’re going to die on the vine.
    Do you have any thing to offer?

    Thanks,
    Terrylynn

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Terrylynn. It sounds like you have a good relationship developing. But I agree, the distance puts that relationship in danger.

      Here’s what I suggest. Focus on the few things you can control. For example, doing what’s possible to increase face time between now and when you can relocate. Think outside the box. And avoid all-or-nothing thinking. Even a small increase in face-time over the coming two months could make the difference.

      Here’s an example of thinking outside the box. Get in his mind. Recruiting his effort to help you find a new job will be perfect for that. It doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with your romantic relationship, but it does for a man. Feeling like he is on a mission to serve a woman he loves will strengthen his feelings for you.

      James

  2. Tammy Miller said:

    I wish you could help me. I’m disabled woman in a wheelchair. There are a lot of facets in this situation. I have a relationship w/ a man that I have known for 21 years. We’ve never had a harsh word between us. I haven’t seen him for a long time. I recently over this past year have tried to reach out to him to let him know that circumstances have changed and I would be moving closer. I asked him to email, call or post on FB what he thought. I asked him if there were circumstances had changed. I thought of every possibility that I can think of- except for one that deals with sexual orientation. The reasons should be pretty self-explanatory. Please help!!!

  3. Tammy Miller said:

    I’m also think he has something personal against me and it’s tearing me up!

  4. Suzanne said:

    I totally agree, James. It’s not about who gives what to whom, or who invites whom to what. It’s about enjoying time together during a special season. If two people truly care about one another, love may deepen during the holidays. If not, the stresses of trying to live up to cultural expectations about gifts, work parties and family gatherings may lead to a break-up that would have happened later anyway.

  5. Hawa said:

    Thank you James! True holiday times come with a lot of fun as well as problems!

  6. Rebecca said:

    I think that we try and second guess situations often to our detriment. Often its our expectations which if not met cause us grief. Enjoy the moment, lots of moments create a lasting memory. Wishing everyone a very Happy Christmas.

  7. CG said:

    Very good points, BUT…if he can only see you on New Years Eve day because he “likes to be alone on New Years Eve to reflect on the past year and plan for the new” HE HAS ANOTHER DATE! So if you don’t want to be his “spare” gal, give him the heave-ho.

  8. Robin said:

    I am a “differently abkrd woman!” I have been in 5 motor vehicle accidents, 3 motorcycle acccidents and have several physical I$yes which make doing Some activities difficult. I am an outgoing, fun, loyal and brutally honest woman. I am told by several men I’m beautiful…but I feel my personality is what makes me arrtecrive more than any beauty. I am living with a 20plus year old gentlemen whom I was intimeny 4 times and he became controlling, jealous, criticizing and tried to criticize my fashion and clothes and boots rmetc. I believe because he is jealous of other men looking at me.hi am a very lyoal, honest and never give oyhrt men the idea I’m looking for something or someone else unless he begins to rip me apart in front of others. I then get the feeling that because I feel this is a sign of abuse and hurts…that maybe I should leave. Being differently a led is not easy. I do not want to stay in a unhealthy relationship because I feel I need his help. Yes. It will be very difficult to make it on my own. I have a companion German Shepherd that needs to be let out several times a fay, cooking, dishes, laundry that I need to go up and down stairs to do and mtmy strenth is not very good. I do not make enough money for a vehicle and really shouldn’t drive due to a seizure problem. However. I can still play my electric guitar and keyboards and practice regularly and even commit once a week to perform in a jam sessions with some wonderful aeryists. I want to continue to perfect my talents and this does being attention to my being. The thing that scares me more than anything is that my roommate is turning 74 thev11st. I love him as a best friend and has helped me more than any one in my life. I simply an not in love with him. I would love the opportunity to date again…it’s been almost 13years. I don’t want to hurt this awesome man especially after all he’s done for me. However is it not hurting him living this lie and pretending to show false feelings for someone I have encouraged to date other woman due to my honesty about my feelings of nothing more than feeling friendship for him which is truly hurting him which makes me feel like the worst person alive and unfeeling, uncaring and ungrateful. I seriously am not. I simply believe he is insecure about his age…my appearance and jealously about it as well as other insecure issuers he sruggles with. Prior to my returning to my music he complained about me being on the internet too muvh! What else an I supposed to so to communicate with the men an woman outside the world when not getting out of bed is not an option? Then he has recently brought up the issues of my returning to my music participation which keeps me feeling good about my self, my ability to do something talented as well as continue to perfect and perform my ambitions. I love playing with the band and need more practice and have included him in these jams so he would feel more part of My friendships, music involvement as well as m÷ting other friends as well. I have also assured him I am not into ybisvto hook up with anyone infinite as well as am afraid of that thought do to my physical problem me. I simply seek your advice on how yo sever this relationship with as least hurt to him as possible with the promise he will always be one of my best friends and that he will always be a large part of My life becausevhevis a wonderful friend. I just don’t want to lose him altogether because I made the decision to leave, continue to push the inimacy he seeks fuftgercaway or just give up an important friendship because he vmhas madevitbclear that he will not stay around to watch me possibly date, have other men as friends and just friends to go do things with…a,) because he doesn’t enjoy the same things I do because of age differences c.) He deant appreciate the male attention I recieve d.) He is so jealous it makes me nervous and he treats my friends coldly e.) He is nosey and judgemental about my comings..goings and sounds whether male it female friends are the issue and last but not least he gives me the impression he’d like to keep me hostage in my homevwithoutvany friends and simply just spend his living days remaining appeasing him. Is this wrong of me it selfish of me to feel this is unfair of him to expect or am I seriously expected to put my life on hold as he ages and someday retires from this life? I am so confused and the last type of person I want myself to view me as being as well as others is a cold selfish bitch! I an far from that but in the same sence…am I being unfair to him? Please let me know what you think. Thank you for your advise and careful thought into this situation. Ha]y holidays and God bless you.

    • James Bauer said:

      For detailed personal questions like these, please use our private consultation option. You are also welcome to leave your comment here for other memebers who may have ideas or advice to share.

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