how to pursueImagine this. A guy walks up to you at a large social gathering at someone’s home. You don’t know him, but he introduces himself and seems nice enough. You get talking to him and he starts complimenting you.

The first compliment is nice. You feel pleasantly flattered. Then he compliments you again about something

else. You feel it’s a little awkward to receive two compliments in such close succession from a guy you only just met.

Then he compliments you about something else. At this point you become more aware of him and notice his eyes continue to focus on you, ignoring the other three people participating in the conversation.

You decide you like him enough to overlook his social awkwardness. After all, you haven’t been on a date in a while. So when he asks for your number, you give it.

That night he calls you after the party. He doesn’t wait two days or a week to get in contact with you. In fact, he asks if you want to meet for coffee the next evening. He’s pushing a little too fast and too hard, right?

What’s wrong with this picture? This situation wouldn’t be all that bad if it weren’t for one thing. It’s a one-way pursuit of a relationship. If both partners were participating in this kind of head-over-heels tumble toward rapid relationship building, that might be okay. But that’s not what’s happening here.

When one person does all the pursuing, the relationship typically fades quickly. Relationships like this have no romantic tension. Romantic tension is that special ingredient you see in movies based on Jane Austin’s books like Sense and Sensibility or Pride and Prejudice. Her keen observations of human nature allowed her to build stories focused on a very powerful feature of any beautiful romance.

how to pursueRomantic tension is critical for the survival of a relationship during the early stages. If one person does all the pursuing and initiating, things usually sputter to a rapid close.

Much of human desire stems from the tantalizing possibilities of the future. If all a man has to do is give in and accept a relationship with you, it removes all romantic tension. There’s no speed limit.

Romantic tension is built when you take a step forward, and then wait. Then he reciprocates, and waits. This balance creates a palpable tension in the air between the two of you. It’s the stuff of powerful romance.

Experience has shown me that even couples who have been married for 25 years can use the principles of balanced pursuit to rekindle a fiery romance. It can also be used to enhance the intrigue and fun of something as simple as planning a date night with your partner.

When you find yourself in a new relationship (or an existing one that needs rekindling) think of ways to introduce intrigue by inviting interaction and then pulling back to give space for your partner to pursue you back.

If you’d like to study this concept more, consider investing in your dating life by picking up a copy of my training materials here.

Watch for my next post on things you should talk about on a date.

James Bauer

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