Beautiful People vs Beautiful Relationships

comparing yourself to others“He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.

But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

– Antoine De Saint Exupery, The Little Prince


It’s a bad idea to compare yourself to other women. Not just a little bad. Epically bad.

I once dated an identical twin. We were already a couple before I met her sister, and I was more than a little nervous.

What if I found her sister attractive, too? I mean, they looked the same. Would I feel the same kind of feelings for this other person? And if I did, would the woman I was dating be able to tell?

The whole thing ended up being fairly anti-climactic. I didn’t feel anything special toward her sister. She looked just like my girlfriend, but that was about it.

I learned something important. It’s your history together that makes someone special. Not the way you look. Not your sense of humor, your intelligence, or even your values.

Am I saying those deeper qualities don’t matter? Of course not. Those are the things that make you who you are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that stuff is inconsequential. It defines you.

But it doesn’t define your relationship. Your history together does.

If the guy you’re with meets another girl with a similar sense of humor, or mirror-image values, that doesn’t mean he’s going to feel the kind of connection he feels with you.

Those qualities are important. They played a role in bringing the two of you together. But your relationship is built on something he doesn’t have with anyone else. Something he can’t have with anyone else. Time with you.

Maybe he met you at a gym. He likes a woman who takes care of her body. He tells you this all the time. So it makes sense if you feel a little insecure when a physical trainer starts chatting him up. Her legs are even more toned than yours! Will he feel attracted to her?

He may find her legs attractive. I won’t lie. So…does that mean you need to hit the gym more often? Do you need to compete?

comparing yourself to othersInstead of indulging in that kind of insecurity, focus on building experiences. That’s a far more productive use of your time. It’s more fun, plus it will ultimately strengthen your bond, making the so-called competition matter even less.

Remember my reaction to the identical twin sister? She had the same good looks and figure that originally attracted me. But I felt no romantic connection with her. That belonged entirely to the woman I had built a connection with through shared experiences.

Attraction may have sparked interest. But the relationship was built on a bond that took time for us to form.

Are you in the habit of comparing yourself to the other women in his life? If so, I have some sage advice for you. Stop it.

But if that’s not enough wisdom for you, let me point you in a helpful direction. My friend and colleague, Amy Waterman knows how to handle “the competition.” And she agreed to write down her method so I could share it with members of my “Irresistible Insiders” club.

Could you use a little boost when dealing with competition? Then check out the special report here.


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5 thoughts on “Beautiful People vs Beautiful Relationships

  1. Penny said:

    I agree shared experiences and bonds together and years together count for a lot. However if the previous wife/girlfriend is causing problems with her jealousy… then move on especially if he breaks it off because at this point he is not ready and you are in a toxic relationship.

  2. Kathryn said:

    This is interesting but I’m a women dating in her sixties. I’m finding men who have been married for 30-40 years who either got divorced and are starting over or widowed and starting over.

    Now the ones divorced, they have years and years of memories and bonding with their eX wifes. They’ve raised a family together. If they live a distance apart they wouldn’t see each other that often, maybe family gatherings. But if they still live near by they are more a part of each others lives.

    I met a man who wasn’t speaking to his EX when I met him. He’d been divorced for four years after a 40 year marriage and two daughters that doted on him like mother hens. When his Ex found out he was dating for the first time after all this time she made a play for him. Not just once but a couple times during the two years we were together. Each time she started talking to him about getting back together he broke it off with me.

    There was no way I could compete with all the memories they had between them. He even stated at one point, “There is such a bond between us.” Meaning all the life experiences they’d shared.

    I was just starting to have some experiences and memories to build on. I could never compete and always felt insecure. He split up with me recently saying he didn’t want a relationship. He’s still in love with his Ex and probably will be. She was his one and only love even if they could never get along and may never live under the same roof, no women will ever take her place.

  3. Karen said:

    This is so true! And something I think women have a super hard time with…and we often sabotage each other, which is very disheartening to me.

    I have learned that shared experiences do make the relationship stronger. After only being together 6 months, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I told him if he couldn’t deal, I would understand. To my joy, he stood by my side through it all – chemo, surgery, radiation, losing my hair, having mini breakdowns, etc. I am now cancer free and have an amazing, kind, supportive man that I now consider to also be my best friend. This experience made us stronger. And after staring death in the face, not much gets under my skin and I voice my concerns/fears candidly. We are better for the experience and have a bond that is stronger than ever!

    Karen 😊

  4. Anette said:

    “If we can survive this – we can survive ANYTHING”

    This is the perfect sentence to accompany this blog post, because it’s part of the history-thing.
    People who go through a lot of tough things together, either in the relationship or by outside events happening, are either brought even closer – or split up.

    If the crises and dramas are resolved in a healthy fashion you build a strong trust and faith in each other and the relationship, thus strengthening your bond and make up for a great history together. The øIf we can survive this” mentality will somehow or sometimes even eliminate the doubts and fears because you absolutely KNOW you don’t want to be with anyone else since they’re your Bonnie to your Clyde in a crisis 😉

    • James Bauer said:

      Very true. Thanks for your comments, Annette.

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