Become the First Woman to Truly Understand His Needs

understanding his needsHe needs you.

He may act like he has it together, but he doesn’t know what he’d do without you.

You supply his unspoken needs. Because you do what you do, he doesn’t have to admit he could use some support. He can maintain the illusion of being self-sufficient.

You are there for him. And he is grateful.

Men don’t always talk about their needs as freely as women do.

For many men, admitting they even have needs is difficult. They’ve been raised to act tough and need no one. Being needy is tantamount to being a wuss.

That’s why relationships are so important for men: they give men what they can’t get anywhere else.

Men are healthier in relationships, both physically and emotionally. Once married, men engage in less reckless behaviors, take better care of themselves, and even earn more money.

Here are just some of the things you do for him, perhaps without fully realizing it:

  • You support him emotionally.
  • You look after his health and well-being.
  • You help him let down his guard.
  • Your touch fills his craving for physical connection.
  • You give him a secure refuge away from the chaos of the world.
  • You allow him to explore different roles: boyfriend, protector, provider, champion.
  • You give him a reason to be a better man.

But there’s one little hiccup in this rosy scenario…

Does he ever tell you exactly what his needs are?

Or do you find yourself guessing most of the time?

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of asking your guy if there’s anything you can do for him. He shakes his head. “Nope, nothing. I’m fine.”

It’s like pulling teeth to get him to talk about what he needs from you.

So here’s a different way of going about it.

Ask him, “How can I make that EVEN better for you?”

Insert that question into a discussion about communication, finances, housework, or any other area of your life together where you’d like him to open up.

It works because you’re not asking him to put his vulnerability on the line. You’re not putting him on the spot. You’re simply asking him to problem-solve.

Too often, explaining his needs is a no-win situation for a man.

It implies that you’re not doing enough as his partner, or you’re doing something wrong. He doesn’t want to hurt you. He doesn’t want to tell the truth if it upsets you or affects how you feel about him. He’d rather keep his mouth shut and put up with a less-than-satisfactory situation.

Is he right to think that way?

Quite possibly.

We’re all sensitive to criticism. We all do as much as we can in our relationships. It’s not nice to face the thought that there are still areas that could be improved.

That’s why it’s easier to look at how you can make your relationship better. That implies things are already good. No one is criticizing anyone.

He might not know how things could be better right away. It’s okay if he needs time to think about it.

If and when he comes up with some ideas, resist the urge to judge his response, analyze it, or dig deeper into his motivations. Simply tell him, “Great, I can do that. Thanks for telling me.” If you can’t do it, explain why and offer an alternative.

Don’t make it into more than it is. Even if what he says stings a little, try not to take it personally. He’s not telling you he feels differently about you.

He’s just suggesting changes. This is about being better as a couple. It’s not about your worth as a person.

When you show him…

(1) you want to hear his suggestions and

(2) you’re not going to judge him for being honest,

you may find that he starts opening up to you a lot more.

understanding his needsIt’s difficult being honest, especially if there’s the possibility of hurt feelings. But if you can face that discomfort and move through it, you’ll find your relationship growing by leaps and bounds.

You could very well become the first woman who’s ever truly understood his needs.

And, hopefully, when he sees how much that one little question improves your relationship, he’ll start asking you the same thing.

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14 thoughts on “Become the First Woman to Truly Understand His Needs

  1. Monika said:

    Hey James, love your blog, but you could make it mobile compatible!
    Today’s post is fantastic, and that one question, a gem. I’m going to use it straight away. At least as soon as he contacts me.
    We are in a complicated triangle relationship (he is married, although he went through separation and that’s when we met). There are children involved, and all in all we should not be in relationship above friendship, but here we are.
    The answer you given to Colleen above, remarking that she doesn’t sound to be in pain, that drove a point home.
    I’m on the whole happier than at any time in my life. He says I make him happy, unprompted. He also said that he wants me in his future.
    But we are long distance, and that causes pain. He can’t move because of children (but I take into account that it might be an excuse), I can’t move for other family reasons. I met literally thousands iof men in my life, and not one whose personality is so suited to mine.
    And yet he does not communicate his needs!, so your little question will work wonders I think.
    So, thank you again, and send us more wisdom – preferably in a mobile-friendly format.

    • James Bauer said:

      Glad that question was useful to you, Monika. Thanks for the feedback about mobile too!

  2. Monika Cullen said:

    Hi James,

    I want to complement you regarding your guidance and at the same time share the following with the members.

    Recently I met my date at a casual place for dinner, my first date with him. I dressed appropriately for the environment and looked good. Pleasant evening and a second date followed at a fancier place.

    Being a life time member I reviewed all relevant information that would perhaps enhance the second date (admittedly the first date felt like an audition, but I liked him).
    I came across your guidance on dressing and Not to Underestimate the impact on dressing up for him! So true!!! I chose something that is very flattering with color and fit.

    Wow, that works!!! My date arrived and it was obvious by his big smile that he liked what he saw and to top it off he stated emphatically how nice I looked! That made my eve right then and there. This dress was not fancy (the kind you can dress up to go out or dress down for a non-routine workday) This dress does complement my figure and I always feel good in it.

      • ray said:

        thx that really madr my day

  3. Colleen said:

    Hi James.
    Chose Logo 1, but agree with Reenie, neither are a first choice. Something that inspires freshness, cleansing, energising?
    Your messages are always enlightening and come at a time, I need them most. I’m connected to a man who has been in and out of my life for 4 years. We’ve not been kind to each other in the early days, however he inspired me to makes some drastic and necessary changes.
    We’ve both had some difficult life issues over the last while.
    I’ve noticed his emotional growth, although he struggles.
    But he still seems a little resistant, despite the fact he keeps staying in my space.
    A few weeks ago he shared dreams, hopes. Shared his fears and uncertainty in following a dream of opening a business after being recently retrenched.
    He’s even asked me why I persist with him, when he is in a place where he feels he has nothing to offer, not just to me, but to anyone.
    I even mentioned to him after this discussion how great it was to converse in this way and thanked him in confiding in me. Dead silence. (Unusual) A few days later followed up, answered immediately explaining his head space presently. All new, improved growth. He was always evasive in the past.
    I’ve sent a couple of light, in touch messages. Immediate appreciative response.

    I know, and aware that these are all good positive signs. I don’t put myself or my life on hold for him. I love him, and have told him so. Not for him alone, but because I do love him. Love has been my past issue and fear to overcome at what love defines and what it means.
    But it’s time to step up without pushing, suggestion without forcing or, do I just simply step away and let go? He’s initiated nothing over the last month. I know his job/financial implications of own business is a big deal.

    Without going into an essay, I follow your blogs and messages with avid interest.
    But sometimes we just don’t know what to do, despite the wisdom that surrounds us. 🙂

    Thanks James

    • James Bauer said:

      Well, Colleen, it doesn’t sound like you’re in pain. It sounds like the love you feel for this guy is enjoyable, something you accept, value, and something that energizes your life. Because of that, you might be in a place where you can use time to your advantage.

      You are wise enough to know there’s no guarantee he will sort through his feelings of insecurity and suddenly find time and space to pursue a relationship with you. But unless you are in a rush, it won’t hurt to keep the door open to him. Check in with him on occasion and keep inviting him into your life in subtle ways.


      • Colleen said:

        Thank you so much James! I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply.
        Yes, you’ve helped soothe me, reassure me and understand the place I’m in.
        Keep your great blogs coming.
        Absolutely love them <3

  4. Tiffany said:

    Thank u for the post…I really enjoyed it. It’s difficult to find ways to make men comfortable while opening up. Def going to implement and see if i find positive changes. Thank u.
    As far as the logo, I agree w the comments above. I wasn’t inspired. Neither seemed relevant, so I took a few minutes really evaluating, but ultimately, I felt like I just settled. One seemed super stark, while the other seemed “oh, it’s a woman’s site…let’s add a flower.” And the writing was more difficult to read…but I still chose it.❤️

  5. Reenie said:

    Love this post, as usual, you have such awesome wisdom to share! About your above logos, I picked one, but honestly have to say, neither really grabbed me! 🙁

    • Lori said:

      Ditto! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙂

    • iamana said:

      agree with Reenie, exactly. I like the photo-graphic but it does not inspire brilliance for me. When I think of brilliance, I think of light!, Fire. Stars in a dark sky. Even candlelight can be brilliant.
      Please keep inspiring me with your writing,

    • Jessica said:

      I agree (regarding the logo).. but I loved this post as well!

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