Relationship Worries? One Radical Idea Can Turn the Tables

how to control your mind

Some people have all the luck. And they’re the ones who never depend on it. ~ Bob Ingham

There are several radical ideas that changed my life instantly when I discovered them. One of them was the concept that “thoughts are things.”

Some days are full of anxious emotions like worry and fear, while other days are full of emotions of joy, hope, and satisfaction. It took me a long time to realize how much influence my own thoughts have on those emotions.

It’s only natural to assume our circumstances generate our emotions. It feels as if the things happening to us create good or bad feelings.

And to a large extent, life events do affect our emotions. But the way they influence our emotions is through the beliefs and perspectives we hold.

The cliché phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” changed my life, but not until I realized that thoughts are things. When I made that cliché phrase my own, and began using it to transform my experience of difficult situations, it caused me to become a more powerful person.

I mean that in the literal sense.

I don’t mean it in some kind of metaphorical or poetic way. I literally became more powerful as a human being when I adopted that transformative concept and decided to use it whenever life seemed to be trying to kick my teeth out.

That particular mental reframe helped me because I have a particular vulnerability to worry. Worry is my arch enemy. It tries to stop me from living fully and freely. It tries to stop me from pursuing my dreams. And worst of all, it tries to stop me from enjoying the fruits of my labor anytime I actually do succeed.

I can hear the worry in the background, chanting things like, “Hold on to what you have. Don’t take any risks. You don’t know what it is yet, but something really bad is about to happen so you better not get too comfortable.”

Those thoughts dominated too much of my life.

I’m living under a new paradigm now. The new paradigm says…

“I cannot control life, but I can control who I become. I choose to become a person who tries really hard. I choose to be a person who celebrates trying hard… trying hard to do what is right and to pursue the things I love in this life.

If I fail, I will fail magnificently while triumphantly looking fear in the eyes and saying, ‘You have only made me stronger.’”

You see, the most powerful single thought that ever changed my life was this: “I am a creator.” I may be a weak creator, with limited power, but I am a creator nonetheless.

With each thought I purposefully direct in my mind, I create a significant part of the reality of what it means to be me, what it’s like to live my life.

And so, I create. I create as much hope, belief, and motivation as I can with each thought I managed to take captive and bend to my will as a creator.

From that foundation of thought I strive to participate in “the real world” as a man who is willing to face hardship in pursuit of the things and people I love.

Do you see how this leaves luck out of it? By embracing my role as a creator, I stop waiting around. I stop hoping and start doing.

This is a message I have shared with many of my clients who consult me for advice about dating and relationships. Why? Because many of them fear change.

Even if you want something very badly, the fear of change can hold you back.

Being a creator is better than being lucky. Because creators don’t need to wait around, hoping luck will knock on their door.

As the saying goes, “Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.” Well, I have some preparation to suggest for you today.

how to control your mindPrepare for romantic success by choosing to become a master of your own mind. Think of your mind as your garden, which you will prune and cultivate into a creation of health and beauty.

Then, when Mr. Right stumbles into your garden, you will be ready for the opportunity. It won’t be an opportunity to impress him. Rather, it will be an opportunity to practice the art of striving for something beautiful. Without worry or fear holding you back.

That is a life worth living, no matter what happens next.

Always on your side,


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43 thoughts on “Relationship Worries? One Radical Idea Can Turn the Tables

  1. Anna said:

    Wonderfully affirming, it’s so heartening to hear your words at this time. Even more so in the context of our culture that discourages men in particular from admitting to feeling doubtful, worried or anxious, which I think is a very common way of thinking and feeling for men and women alike. Though I think feelings can be a valuable source of information at times it is so easy to become enslaved by them (especially if we are out of touch with our thoughts and beliefs). Thank you for sharing such a positive and thoughtful reflection and I hope it inspires many to do the same.

  2. Deb Smith said:

    I loved reading what you had to say. Very uplifting and powerful!! I tend to be a worrier as well. Thanks for the advice.

  3. Chantelle said:

    Amazing read, great advice ☺️

  4. Diana said:

    Thank you James! I’m having the issue with thoughts of worries and anxiety which are affecting my emotions and my mood a lot, specially since I’m in perimenopause and having strong mood swings. Even if I know that I’m having negative thoughts again, I can’t just erasure them. I’m trying to replace them with positive thoughts, I’m practicing EFT and meditation, but I’m more and more sure that it’s the current brain chemistry which is changing my thoughts into negative and no positive thinking or manifesting won’t work against them. If I ignore or deny those negative thoughts and keep smiling and telling everything is fine, they don’t go away, they even become stronger. When I feel good and balanced, I’m a very enthusiastic, passionate, positive and cheerful person who enjoys the life. But it’s hard for me to believe that I can control my thoughts ( untill I reach the samadhi of a zen master..) and create only good brain chemistry. At the end, thoughts are only a result of the brain chemistry. I notice this specially when actually everything is okay regarding the outer circumstances in my life, but I still can’t feel free of worries and anxieties. And vice versa- if I feel good, no negative circumstances can’t pull me down. So I can’t say I’m always having the power and the choice. Do you know what I mean?

    • James Bauer said:

      I know what you mean, Diana. All thoughts are influenced by the current status of your brain chemistry. But the good news is, brain chemistry is influenced by thoughts. The two are interrelated and inseparable. Do what you can to influence your own thought patterns, but without blaming yourself when brain chemistry makes it hard.


  5. Carol said:

    Amen! This is the key to everything in life! What you didn’t say that I think is implied is that once you can adopt this mindset and way of living it takes you out of being a victim to circumstances. Stuff will always happen and challenges will always appear because that is the nature of being alive, but how we approach each challenge – from the victim mindset or the creator mindset determines success, and is either disempowering or empowering. We always have a choice. Thank you for the reminder!

  6. sadsaq5ddsPrettyrose said:

    Thnk u James. U really are a blessing to us. I deeply appreciate it. Don’t stop d good work pls.

  7. Tamanna said:

    James, you are amazing! Thank you! May god bless you. x

  8. TL said:

    The quote “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity” did NOT originate with Oprah Winfrey!! The quote originally came from the Roman philosopher Seneca. Do not be fooled into thinking that pop icons like Oprah Winfrey have much original to say.

    • James Bauer said:

      I think you are the second person to mention that. I’m going to have to be more careful with quotes in the future. Thanks!

      • Goja said:

        What I like about you, James is humility and respect that you have toward your readers and clients. You don’t need to be 100% right all the time. Actually, this make you more believable and trustworthy.

        Also, thank you for sharing your past worries about worries 🙂
        Very brave of you!!!

    • Reenie Carmack said:

      I wouldn’t call Oprah a “Pop” icon, she is a mentor and philosopher of today. She has done great good in the world. To degrade her like that isn’t a kind statement. What would we do today without our Oprah Winfrey’s, Dr. Wayne Dyer’s, Deepak Chopra’s, or even our James Bauer’s to share their wisdom with all of us!!

    • Reenie Carmack said:

      Beautiful James, you always share such great wisdom……where can a woman find an enlightened man like you!!??

      • James Bauer said:

        Aww, shucks. 🙂

      • Reenie said:

        Honestly, is there a site that draws more “conscious/awake” men, I’ve about had it with the likes of Match, POF, eHarmony, etc. And I’ve even been blasted/criticised for expecting “perfection” and just “who do I think I am”!!?? Frustrating! 🙁

  9. Laura said:

    Love reading your articles.

  10. PhatKitty said:

    Beautiful! Thanks James!

  11. patty said:

    I so agree with this James.Be your own true blue and love yourself.I had to learn that the hard way over the last year.
    I have come such a long way tho with the help frome you.I am doing stuff for me and when it is time for me to meet someone it will happen for sure………….thank you.

  12. kattieanne said:

    Hi James, Better than Lucky is great. More of this please.

  13. Jane said:

    Lovely. Besutifully daid and very positive. Thsak you

  14. Kim said:

    I am so glad i just read this. Thank you

  15. Dela said:

    Thank you! I really neaded this.

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