Can you love two people at the same time?

Can you love two people?Johnny Depp is an amazing actor.  I really enjoyed his work in Pirates of the Caribbean.  However, I’m not sure I would trust his judgment on dating and relationships.  I heard this Johnny Depp quote secondhand.  What do you think about it?

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one.  Because if you truly loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”

I don’t know about you, but I believe I am fully capable of experiencing “in love” type feelings for more than one person.  However, the value of a relationship is dependent on the level of commitment you bring to a relationship.  So if I commit to someone I truly love, I have created something beautiful that could not exist in a world where men and women simply followed the whims of their shifting infatuations.

Would Johnny Depp make a good lover?  Maybe for a few months, but then he would likely break your heart.  He would start to have feelings for some other woman and conclude that he must have never loved you in the first place.  Assuming the quote reflects his actual beliefs, I would have to say he would make a poor lover.

The term “relationship” literally means the way one thing relates to another.  With Johnny Depp’s definition, you would think a relationship is something that happens to you, rather than something you willfully create after the initial spark of love is discovered.

I choose to be an active creator when it comes to relationships.  A relationship is only as good as you choose to make it.  But that doesn’t help if you find yourself trying to choose between two potential partners.  After all, you could create a wonderful relationship with either one (assuming they did their part).  How do you choose?

In East of Eden, John Steinbeck says, “People are felt rather than seen after the first few moments.”  To me, this is an interesting quote because it reflects Steinbeck’s recognition of something special that determines how it feels to be around one person or another.  You may not be able to fully explain why you feel the way you do around a certain person, but it doesn’t change the fact that you know they have a special effect on you.

I am a firm believer in the concept that your heart knows things your mind cannot explain.  It doesn’t make for very good advice, but I think you should search your feelings when trying to make a decision about which romantic interest to pursue.  If you have not already formed a commitment to one person or another, it’s time to listen to the wisdom of your heart.

I have spent a good deal of time studying the various ways people access that special form of knowledge that does not come from logic or conscious thought.  I call it intuition.  That word seems to best capture the wisdom that comes from deeper sources of knowing.

Can you love two people?My interest in intuition started long ago, in my childhood.  I created a course designed specifically for women who want to tap into their own intuition and develop it more fully as a tool for enriching relationships and recognizing the best path when feeling frustrated or uncertain.  In that training course, I talk about some of the extraordinary experiences that ultimately led me to formally study the concept of intuition.

If you’d like to share in the knowledge of my discoveries in that area, and learn how to make dating easier and more fun with intuition, check out my course here.  Whatever you do, don’t look to your favorite Hollywood celebrities to show you the road to relationship bliss.


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39 thoughts on “Can you love two people at the same time?

  1. James, I love two men. I am 53 years old. Jerry is 53 years old and is a very sweet man! I have known Jerry for 35 yrs as a friend. We hooked up but now I fell out of love! I met Mark, who is 62, in April 2012 when he moved to Port Angeles and he became my client. I am a caregiver. I fell in love with Mark at first sight, but we didn’t really discuss our feelings until January of this year Last December, I broke up with Jerry! But then he and I reconnected after the sudden death of his mother in March! I see Jerry occasionally and we meet up for lunch or dinner, But I just don’t feel “in love” with him. He doesn’t turn me on. However, Mark does excite me and turns me on. Mark feels the same way about me! Mark has MS and I have Parkinsons, but I continue to work to survive! All I know is that I live for Saturdays, going to see Mark and him seeing me! We are so relaxed around each other. He is a wonderful man who is so sweet and lives his life with courage. He has days when he is frustrated and gets pissed off, but somehow, I know how to get through to him, and offer to help, by saying, “talk to me, Mark. what is up, honey?” Or just allow him to vent and then ask if he needs anything, I took care of him nearly a year before he got a major urinary tract infection that nearly killed him. He has had three or four major infections at the VA nursing home since March of this year! I feel like he may be on borrowed time, who knows for sure? Nobody. All I know is that I love him so much. He has no family on the west coast, just me, Dick & Karen who are like his surrogate Dad and Mom. His Mom and Dad live in Queens, New York and call him daily and they say they love me so much! I love them all too! So, I live with the dichotomy of my life. Sometimes I feel like a piece of shit for hurting Jerry. I feel like I must compartmentalize my life because Mark doesn’t like Jerry for hurting me emotionally, He is protective of me and advises me to just walk away from Jerry because it is too painful to hold on to the friendship. Jerry never lets me forget all the mistakes I made in my life. He and I argue and we are too different! Mark and I seem to feed off of each other and connect on so many levels. I used to say “I’m sorry…” all the time. Mark has made me aware that I shouldn’t say it so much! It seems like that is all I ever used to do when I made a mistake or said the wrong thing. Mark admires me for my courage to keep on working and taking care of others! It is rewarding and I don’t do it for the love of money, but because I care! The bottom line is that I love both of them but in different ways. Is this truly wrong? I am not sure if I want to be right anymore…I want to be closer to Mark. Life is uncertain, All I know is that I don’t want to live so far away from Mark. Once a week is not enough to see him. I think I need him as much as he needs me. I don’t have all the answers but I know I love Mark so much…

    • Sharon Barker said:

      You seem to be doing an awful lot of giving here. Is either man really suitable? I don’t know. What do you get from each man, how do you feel as a result of them? You could start seeing other men too. How do you feel, really feel, what are your emotional or sexual feelings (if appropriate) for each man. You do not have to commit to either or choose between them. if neither man is right, carry on as you are but see others. You are a care giver in your job, make sure you do not do this in your relationship too. it must have another dimension that you have not mentioned. Get some care for yourself. You deserve it.

      If you need a man for financial reasons, get a room mate or lodger. I have – whilst I am seeing men if I want to on any basis that i want to.

      James ‘intuition’ seems to be great.

      • Toni Krys said:

        Just reading this and judging only at face value, it would seem that Jerry is too caustic of a person for you. If you argue a lot and he keeps reminding you of your mistakes and is not supportive emotionally, break it off. No one needs a downer person in their lives. Life is too short. Enjoy your relationship with Mark for as long a time as you have together.

        My last thought is that you do not really love Jerry, he is just a habit and not a good one at that.

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        I agree with Sharon, Christine. You need to take care of yourself – first and foremost. Learn to love yourself and respect yourself. You can still be “friends” with Jerry if you wish – but from what you say briefly, he does not sound like a very nice person – if you are always having to apologize to him. Do whatever is best for YOU. You are all you have, ultimately. Sorry to sound callous, but it seems you ARE giving too much here. Do not become a doormat. You can always have men “friends” and love them as a friend – it is quite different to having a relationship with a “lover”. I have lots of men friends, some I love like a brother and would trust my life to – but I am not “in love” with them. Yes, as James says, it is all about how you “feel” around a person. Lorna

  2. Odette said:

    Definitely possible to love more than one man…. no doubt!

    I love different feelings that each one brings to me…. neither is particularly handsome nor are either of them particularly interesting…. but the thing that draws me to them is their natural masculinity. The way they talk, the way they smell, the way they walk and simply ARE!

    The pitfall is to try to keep connection with both…. in the beginning I think its healthy, but once the relationship has moved into the more complex living stage…. I have found that the other person becomes an unwelcome distraction and presents a “back door” option that means that when I have a bad patch with Mr Live with me, I am tempted to walk out the back door and go to Mr other!

    I think it only fair to give 100% to one man when you have decided which one shares more In your life journey. I have more in common with Mr Live in, but I do miss so much about Mr Other…. He will always be somewhere in my private thoughts….. That’s not disloyal is it??????

    • jane mbeke said:

      It is called cheating. You can only commit fully to one person. You are not dependable. No one wants to be a spare wheel; you are either fully with one or the other.

      • ami said:

        Odette, you haven’t mentioned physical infidelity but it certainly sounds like emotional cheating. It’s a difficult space to navigate, but one thing is true: it is much harder to cultivate a loving, healthy relationship when it is born out of infidelity. You say you are living with a man, that sounds pretty committed. Please save yourself the mental torture and heart ache and deal with the man you are committed to. Stay or leave, don’t string these men along.

        • Odette said:

          When I speak of loving two men at the same time, in different ways, I am speaking from the heart…. not my mind. My mind knows its wrong. My mind knows to stay loyal to one man. My mind knows what is honourable, respectful and decent; just as it knows what is expected from living as we do in a conservative, modern western community.

          What I am talking about is absolute heartfelt honesty. It doesnt have to be moral, make sense or even be reasonable. I respect my partner absolutely and donot act on my love for the other man in my life. I have a right to think and feel my private thoughts that will never be acted upon…… but they cannot and should not be denied! That is the difference between knowing your heart and knowing your head!

          I love these two men so differently but with honesty and integrity…. because they are both truly unique amazing men. I have never behaved without dignity or honesty….. but I know my heart.

          I am sorry if this offends or alarms others…. I think it is truly honest.

        • Odette said:

          You dont choose to love someone…. or two…… Love is not something you choose….. it is how you feel. It just is!

          • I do believe you choose to love someone!! Question… Lets say your sister slept with your bf, would you still love her? Yes love has to do with feelings, but you still have a choice!! People cheat, they choose to forgive and love them anyway….. To me it is a choice

          • Odette said:

            I like your analogy… And yes, you’d find a way to love her as your sister…. Or not. I agree that you can make choices about who you let in and who you don’t….. You can choose how you behave; whether you’d maintain a relationship with your sister; how close you allowed yourself to be with her; and how much you trust…. But deep inside the truth lies in how you feel about her. To me there is a huge difference between the love we think and the love we feel. The love we feel can’t lie…. It just is!

    • Odette, would you feel if this the man you loved had feelings for another woman? would you feel he is disloyal?

      • odette said:

        I’m sure my partner has love for other women… But in ways that are different to why he loves me. I think I’m right for him now…. They may have connected to him differently to me…. He’s with me; he’s loyal and he can be honest, because I know I am special to him and he chooses to stay with me. I am the glove that fits him at this time in his life.

  3. sue said:

    I think I can completed a man’s life but when I know he has been friend with other women even he said she just a closed friend… I simply walk away and left him. If people value you more than anything, she or he doesnt have to have a spare wheel.

  4. James,

    sorry, but I think Johnny Depp had it right… at least as far as commitment is concerned (and I am a woman who was happily married for 31 years). As for the feeling of being “in love”… oh that can happen on a continuous basis and with many men, and this is something I have learned since my husband died.

    • veronika said:

      sometimes it is also possible to fall for someone without knowing why, which can be like a short crush, and I believe there are different kind of personalities, some people fall more easily in love then others. Just because I feel a crush for someone new does not mean I am not committed with the man I am in a relationship with, it can also be an aspect of excitement for something different. Maybe even to help you realize that you are in a trutt right now and to bring romance back in the committed relationship.

  5. jack said:

    Yes, my wife had a 5yr affair with a man at work, i asked HER about the affair many yrs later and SHE said, “I had feelings for HIM”, them used to meet in a motel room, where does this leave me ?

    • James Bauer said:

      I’m sorry to hear that, Jack. I think your wife is the only one that can answer your question about where this leaves you. I hope she can still understand the irreplaceable value of commitment.

    • Jessica said:

      You can forgive her, but you do not have to be with her. Once a person cheats, they have violated the contractual agreement that you two entered when you got married.

  6. Julia said:

    I’ve never been in the position of actually having to choose between two men, relationship-wise, but I will always remember the time when I was moving from one “crush” to another, back in college. I had been hopelessly and unrequitedly in love with an out-of-reach man (he was my professor) for years… then I met and started talking to a fellow student. And at some point, I realized I was beginning to fall for this younger man as well. For a week or so, I was in love with both. It was… pure torment. I felt confused, de-centered, and absurdly guilty. As silly as it sounds, I felt like I was betraying myself, betraying Love with a capital L… And the most ironic thing is, I was attracted to the very same thing in both of the men I was aspiring to: their intelligence, their thirst for knowledge, the way they moved their hands about when explaining something, the way both of them looked at me openly through their adorably geeky glasses… What I was seeing in my new crush was just a younger, more reachable shadow of my previous crush. And it still hurt like hell, I felt torn apart, I didn’t know who I loved, I had moments in which I thought I loved one, then moments in which I loved the other, then moments when I loved both (which felt very uncomfortable), and also moments when I didn’t want to love either of them. It was torment, as I said.

    And if you’re wondering what happened with the two crushes I mentioned…. well, nothing romantic. In the course of that one horrible week, I stopped being in love with my professor and moved all my crushiness energy toward the student. Nothing came of it either, though (for other reasons), and we are still good friends (I stopped being in love with him the moment he found a girlfriend—weird, I know: apparently my internal Cupid has tight connections with some abstract sense of morality).

    The lesson I learned after that week is that, even if it might work for others, loving (or even just having a distant crush on) two people at the same time is not something I am capable of. Of course, I can have passing purely physical attractions for many men at once (in the same Pirates movie that James mentioned, for example, I felt attracted to three of the male characters at the same time! and I watch TV shows like True Blood solely for the purpose of staring at attractive males, all of which I wouldn’t refuse a one night stand with!). And still, when it comes to emotions, I can’t handle conflicting impulses, it hurts. At least I know this thing about myself.

  7. Cj said:

    Hi James:)
    Great article! I get excited when I see your name in my inbox! Thank You!!
    I am curious how you would explain this in reference to your article on intuition. I feel confused and thrown WAY off balance by my body’s extreme nervousness/fear- sweating, rapid heartbeat, mild trembling, shallow breathing- every time I am in the presence of a man that I am attracted to on many levels-intellectual, emotional, physical. What is going on? This uncontrollable visceral experience interferes with my ability to be me around him. And it’s VERY frustrating. It feels like my intuition is being blocked by this fear… please share your thoughts:)
    Warm Regards,
    Cj

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi CJ. It sounds like you have a higher than average degree of genetic predisposition for social anxiety, which often includes exagerated autonomic arousal (rapid heart beat and shaking from adrenalin…plus mild hyperventilation from anxiety). It stems from your anticipation of a social interaction with potentially high stakes for your future. Try reading Reid Wilson’s book, Don’t Panic. It will give you some tools for sidestepping the anxious reaction and calming your nerves enough to access your intuitive and more casual mode of thinking/being.

      James

  8. shanti said:

    I think it’s possible to love two persons, but- if I’m copletely happy, satisfied and also sexually pleased, there would be very difficult, if not impossible to fall for another man. If this happens, there must be something what isn’t going really well with the first partner. There must be something what we are missing and what we find in the other person. Sometimes, after being few years with the same partner, it’s just the longing for the excitement and the hormonal rush we are experiencing at the beginning of a new relationship, which is making us to fall in love with someone else. I think it’s not possible to stay 100% satisfied in a long term relationship. After some times we start missing something, even if its only a hot passion. Mother nature made us like this. What we do, is commitment, and this is a logical and conscious decision. But you can’t command your body chemistry to be absolutely faithful till the end of our life. Well, we can do it, but the desire for someone new will rise sooner or later. So, it depends of how much strong this temptation is gonna be. A loyal and responsible person will say no to it. I did this for many years, because I wanted to stay faithful and commited to my husband. But I was unhappy all the time and felt like a hypocrite- I knew that I’m longing for other man deep in my heart ( and in my body), but I still wanted to stay a good and moral wife. This inner conflict only made me sick at the end. What’s the use of the commitment, if the desire is just too strong? My husband couldn’t give me what I needed after many years of marriage and I probably couldn’t give those things to him, we were just both trapped into the beliefs of a commited and loyal life-long marriage.

  9. Shelli said:

    Why can’t you love and commit to two or more people at the same time? What’s so wrong with that? How is it moral and responsible to break someone’s heart if you don’t need to? Because “Society” says you should? This is the exact foundation upon which insecurity and fear is built, and it starts very early in our lives with the Disney fairy-tale indoctrination. People should just carve out their own relationship structures in a way that makes them feel the happiest and most fulfilled in life. This seems to be a much better and more practical idea than tirelessly clinging to an old, antiquated, traditional one-size-fits-all relationship model that has been failing generations of people for thousands of years. The more you love yourself, the less insecure you will feel about seeing your partner love someone else as well. I’ll take being loved over being forsaken any day. God Bless.

    • Shelli as long as your totally honest with all parties – that way they have a choice to stay or m
      ove on.

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        Shelli, Yes, I agree with freedoskyz, too. If you are open and honest with your partner(s) and they both, or all, agree to that situation, then that is (I suppose) on the face of it, OK. BUT – I met a couple in the pub recently, during our musical evenings. The man said he was very attracted to me and was into “spanking” sessions. (And by the way, I am 67!! But still attractive (obviously!!) ) He wanted me to join him and his wife in this fetish. She was obviously very, very distressed to the point of tears, and not in agreement. I said I was not at all interested but wanted to put her mind at rest. After a lengthy conversaton with them both, it turned out that they had been married for 18 years and visit fetish clubs together where they indulge in this practise. He is a builder and also has sex with clients if they are in agreement. His take on it was that she knew about what he expected when they married – so why is she so upset about it now? So, you see, it is not always as clear-cut as you would think And jealousy plays a huge part in relationships. Personally, I find it very difficult to share my man, even with so-called women “friends”. Because I know how predatory women can be and how few men there are to go around as one gets older – any woman is ready to snap him up!! I think that women friends should be part of our joint social scene – then I know what he is up to. Probably that is old-fashioned now. And commitment. But I read an article about saving your marriage after infidelity, and that suggested that the only way is to be absolutely open and honest – transparent – and never put temptation in the way. It is all about TRUST. And THAT is a whole other subject (James?) !! Lorna

  10. Mary said:

    I do think it is possible to love two people at the same time…we love two parents…two children…..two friends. Granted, those are not “romantic” love interests…but sometimes I think we need to look at the other person in our “committed” relationship. All these posts would have you believe that the person in love with two people has a character or deficiency …how could they do that to the one they are committed to? Let me say, I was in a 22 year marriage to someone who was verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive; who was a narcissist who took and took and took until I was an empty shell of a person and had nothing left. Where I thought my only way out was eventual death. I stayed because of my kids and my religious beliefs. But to my ex, the words “for better or for worse” meant “for as worse as I’m going to treat you.” Towards the end, I became closer and closer with a cherished friend, who by his actions, helped me to see my true value, and helped me to see what a truly loving relationship should feel like. I knew I was headed for divorce, as my ex even refused counseling, stating that there was nothing wrong with him, when he should have been saying, “if it’s important to you, and if it means saving our marriage, and if I can also learn and grow, then I am right there with you…I will do what it takes.” I then said “please…meet me halfway and go to counseling..” And he said “no…I’m not..” Sadly he did not say what I wanted to hear in order to save the relationship. So when I hear about people loving two others…I can’t help because of my situation but to ask…what is this person who loves two not getting out of his/her committed relationship? Is this person being abused? Is this person hitting bottom? Was this persons self esteem whittled away to nothing? I also agree, If you love two…you should let one go, and focus on creating a loving relationship with only one. Outright cheating is not the answer, but I do not feel, in all instances, that the person cheated on is the victim…very often the one whom is “cheating” is the victim in a relationship where there is fear in place of vulnerability, anger in place of compassion, contempt in place of love….and that person whom is labeled the “cheater” has every right to be cherished and respected. When we fall in love it’s when someone makes us feel good….and if our first, committed relationship does not meet us halfway, and satisfy those needs to FEEL loved, and if that person is not willing to give 100% of their part in a relationship, then that first person will end up the loser.

    • I think this is a totally different situation Mary. Had your husband kind, caring and supportive you would not have found love elsewhere. You were not in a loving relationship with you husband.

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Mary, I am so, so sorry for your situation – and I hope that you do not feel any guilt for not keeping to the vows that you made to your husband. Sadness, yes, but guilt, no. I think you sound very level-headed and have managed to move beyond this. I read somewhere that you could view the vow “til death us do part” as meaning – just until the death of the love or relationship, and I think that makes sense. You are LUCKY to have found love now, and lucky to be out of that abusive situation. Make the most of what you have and do not feel bad about the past – things happen, and we should never be made to feel we have to live our lives endlessly enduring a situation that is not in our best interests. You stayed for the sake of your children, and that is truly admirable and very courageous. Make sure you know this deep-down so that you will not live with the burden of guilt. You have absolutely no need to. Best wishes. Here’s to a wonderful future!! Lorna

  11. Yanskie said:

    Hi good day I need some advice I’m in love In two people…I have a long distance relationship for 8yrs until now we didn’t meet in person just only in skype.. He always promising me that he is going in Dubai… But even now I didn’t meet him in person he support me what I need he didn’t leave me… I love him but the problem I didn’t meet our relation since 2008 until now 2016… But this year I meet a one guy I fall in love with him.. He came here in Dubai for vacation… And I open him that I have a bf but in long distance but he want me to choose earthier him or the other guy…I don’t know what to do…even that guy we didn’t meet I feel that he loves me very much… I’m so scared if I leave him for this man how can I assure that our relationship will grow.. Coz I meet him only a couple of months unlike my other bf were almost 8yrs… I need some advice…

    • James Bauer said:

      You can always ask for more time. If someone really loves you, they won’t cut you out of their life when you say you are considering a serious relationship with them but that you need some time to decide if it is right.

      But you do need to decide between these two possible directions. So your first step is to figure out what it would take (what you need to do) in order to figure out which direction you will go. Don’t leave yourself waiting in suspense. Figure out what you need to know, then make a plan and follow through. Even if that is a trip to visit the other person in your life. Make it happen so you don’t live with questions that haunt you.

      James

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Yanskie – Have you heard of the expression “It’s better to have the bird in the hand rather than the bird in the bush”? Sorry to be so blunt, but your Skype relationship is NOT REAL. It is in your imagination. How can you think you know a man when you have never met him in person? He may have terrible habits you could not tolerate. Bad table manners – bad attitude – even bad breath or smelly armpits or smelly feet – he may pick his nose, or the sex may not be what you expect – anything is possible. He may even be married – that happens a lot now on internet dating – unhappy, lonely men just using it as an outlet with no thought of ever following it up in person. I have had many men want to message me endlessly and telephone me then never want to meet me in person. Until you meet face-to-face you will never know. He is NOT a “boyfriend” – just what we used to call a “pen-pal” – a friend, no more. DO NOT jeapardize your new relationship for the sake of this fantasy one – the “bird in the bush”. Get to know your new man better, your “bird in the hand” – and do not tease him about the other “friend” you have – that is very cruel. Keep the two separate – they are not the same thing, by any means. Two months is not long to get to know someone, either. And I know from experience that Dubai is a very strange environment to be living in. It is fantasy-land. Far, far away from the real world. My daughter has lived and worked there for 8 years – and I do know. I lived there with my husband and one daughter for 4 years almost 40 years ago – it is a very, very different place now to what it was then – total fantasy. Try to stay in the real world and appreciate what you have right in front of you – solid and real – not just in your mind or on the computer screen. I wish you luck and love. Lorna

  12. Mitsy said:

    I lost my husband over a year ago now to suicide, I was married 23 years with him since I was 17 years old. He cheated with my best friend and then again with my step sister, who claims it was not mutual , when I confronted him he took his own life a few days latter. He was super jealous and posesive, I just wanted to be the best wife I could be because I came from a broken home, even after I knew what he had done I didn’t kick him out I just asked for counseling. I met a coworker that is older than me 13 years older that helped guide me through this horrible thing I had to deal with, he was my rock and we never let more than 12 hours pass us by with out seeing how the other was doing he was going through a awful divorce and his daughter had cancer. We got very close and yes had a sexual relationship after about 6 months of talking, it only happened a few times until he felt compelled to just want to be my friend because he knew he would hurt me. That hurt worse, he told me he thought I should date other men to be sure what I wanted
    Anyway, I met another man on a dating site
    We have become very close, when I’m with him I can’t get enough I’m crazy about him, but when we are apart I just think about guy #1, guy #1 knows about #2 and can’t stand the fact that I’m dating someone else, in fact he says he loves me and sends me love songs but in the same breath says he is still not ready to commit or say he would be loyal to only me. I am in love with both, #2 won’t allow me to meet his kids and it’s already been 5 months that we have been dating , he talks about getting married secretly and not telling anyone for 2 years? I also have caught #2 flirting on Facebook and he doesn’t want to be commuted yet. It seems like both men have issues but I can’t seem to be mean or hurt either one
    The first one I see sometimes for lunch or we text we both know we love each other but it’s platonic we don’t see eachouther in any kind of intamite way but I feel like even thinking about him is wrong, I told #1 that the #2 can give me something he can’t , emotional stability, and loyalty (so he says)
    I feel like I’d be head over hills with #2 if #1 was not so deeply imbedded into my heart
    I can’t stand to hurt #2 but I do feel un loyal
    I don’t know what to do ( he knows nothing of #1)
    Maybe I should be single a lot longer but I hate being alone, after that many years of marriage I need to be cuddled. How do you just break things off with someone, I really don’t know how I feel so dis honest, the guilt is killing me and #2 is the kind of guy that if he even heard of this he will never talk to me again.
    Should I continue with this or drop #1 and focus on #2 because #1 might never be ready
    Or should I try to let them both know I need some space and time to heal, #2 will not be happy and I might never see him again at that point, just the thought of letting him go makes me cry
    Any advise would be helpful thank you
    P.s this is going to sound terrible but I am a very attractive girl and I have men asking me out all the time, my figure and face are attractive so I often dress myself in baggy clothes , I have a larger than life personality and I love life, I even get notes sent to me from strangers on napkins in restaurants, am I selling myself short by falling for the first 2 men I’ve dated? I kind of feel like I am but, in my heart I can not disappoint people and both men have so many qualities I love. They also both have things about them that I question, but through a long life of marriage I have learned no one is perfect and life is to short to waste!

  13. lori said:

    I have the same problem

    • Odette said:

      Mitsy,
      When I was single after the absolute love of my life went cold…. I sought solace in the most unlikely of places…. I found Rory Ray through a link to her website called findthe relationshipyouwant.com…. or something like that! Within the material that flowed my way, there was one thing that resonated that I think relates to your dilemma…. and many other women’s…. and that is taking the time to establish clearly in your own mind what it is you want from a relationship. There was one particular exercise that she did where she asked listeners or readers to imaging their perfect day. Really take the time to picture it unfolding from beginning to end. After you have clearly thought it through and amended it many times over….. what you will find is that you most likely are looking for something very simple. It seems to start off complicated and yet, when you really think it through over and over…. your needs become simpler and more attainable. For me, when I looked at the feelings that I was seeking within my perfect day, the main things that resonated strongly was a desire for affection, peace, periods of solitude, loyalty and safety. I was surprised that my desires were so simple, and yet, because I, and many women lose the ability to connect to their own needs, they spend lots of time and energy running around in circles seeking happiness in places that dont serve them, and wondering why that happiness is so difficult to achieve.

      The next most important task was to communicate these needs and desires to the person you in your relationship. You need to determine clearly what are your negotiable needs, and what are your not-negotiable needs….. what you can live without and still be happy, and what you cant.

      Once you are clear in your own mind, you may still have strong feelings for one or both of these men, but it is determining whether you can realistically achieve what you want in a relationship with one of them that might make your decision easier.

      I still love the man I lost…. and funnily enough, he regrets having lost our very special relationship…. and still tries to keep in touch and begs for another chance…. but the rational part of my mind tells me I simply cant have what I want with him….. so I stick with my man of the last four years that I also love dearly…. in a different way. He ticks all the boxes in so far as achieving my needs which are very simple. I will always love the other man secretly in my heart…. just not in my head where it interferes with my real life relationship that means the world to me.

      Good Luck….. it is so tricky!!

  14. Isabelle said:

    I have a conflict where I love two people, but only one of them is the opposite sex. I’m always told I need to leave my long term boyfriend of 12 years – by the girl I have had a relationship with for 2 years. I love them both. He knows about her she knows about him. Neither like each other. This is one of those times where the heart wants what the heart wants. He is controlling and demanding, we fight – a lot; he’s also bordering on narcissistic tendencies. We’re so different though. He was raised in a white collar family, I’m from a blue collar one. I’m so drawn to him though – he’s made me a better person. She doesn’t get enough time with me and tells me I should either do what I want anyway, or just leave. She and I are also very compatible, have a great time when we’re together and she is very sweet and sensual. I get what I need from both of them, for the most part. He has started to get jealous of her.. we’ve all met for dinner a few times, and she wants more. Maybe I need to let her go and focus more on my long term committed relationship. However dysfunctional that is. Maybe I need to just start over? I feel something needs to happen though.

    • Littleod said:

      I love that your situation illustrates my point… regardless of your partners gender, both are fulfilling in different ways. I miss the sensuality and lighthearted fun of my ex… I miss our closeness and his smell…. but I adore my current partner for so many other reasons. I think choosing is only necessary because of cultural norms… but so be it! How to choose….?
      I chose the partner that I could best pursue my own desires in life with. I chose the partner that most emotionally mature. I chose the one that was the most equal and with whom I didn’t feel compelled to give too much. I chose a partner not a lover… because this will sustain me until I die. I truly love them both… but my current partner is my most equal, respectful, kind, thoughtful partner in my life. It’s a hard choice when your heart yearns to be touched.

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Isabelle. What a mess!! I can’t believe it!! I really do not undestand modern relationships. I’m not surprised your poor boyfriend of 12 years is jealous and you fight a lot, and this new woman is wondering what is going on, too. Neither like each other and yet you expect you all to have cozy dinners together? What are you thinking about? I do not think YOU are capable of ANY sort of love with anyone – never mind loving two people at once. You sound completely self-centred and heartless. The only person YOU seem to care about is yourself and your pleasure. And you say HE is being narcissistic!! Yes – break free from this mess that YOU have created and start over – preferably on your own, where you cannot hurt other people any longer. You cannot expect to have your cake and eat it, too, with two people. It seems to me that you are actually getting some sort of perverse pleasure out of all this. Otherwise why would you gloat about it? These are REAL people who are involved here, with real emotions – not a fantasy. Grow up and stop being so unbelievably selfish. Lorna

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