Go One Step Deeper than Good Communication

Go One Step Deeper than Good CommunicationIf you spend even a little time reading up on what makes a relationship work, you’ll come across a lot of advice on improving communication. Happy couples have good communication, right?

Well, yes. But are they happy because they have good communication, or do they have good communication because they’re happy?

A recent study from the University of Georgia[i] confirms that good communication and romantic success DO go hand in hand. But good communication seems to be a side effect of relationship success, not the reason for it.

Think of it like this.

If you’re fit and healthy, you likely exercise and eat right. While being in shape makes it easier to choose to hit the gym, you don’t work out because you’re already in shape. Rather, being in shape is one of the results of regular exercise and a smart diet.

Good communication happens when there’s already a special foundation built on something deeper than just conversation. To go beyond mere communication, you need a unique and powerful kind of intimacy.

Psychologist Douglas LaBier calls this level of romantic intimacy “Radical Transparency.”[ii] Radical transparency happens when two people are able to really be themselves around each other, totally open and honest at all times.

If you want to take your relationship to that level, you’ll need to do two things.

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How to Get a Guy to Like You FAST

How to Get a Guy to Like You FASTHow do you make a lasting impression when you only get 60 seconds?

That’s all the time it takes for people to start judging you. It’s an insanely short window.

Take Jessica as an example. She’s single and interested in meeting someone new. So she goes out, mingles, and tries to stay socially plugged in.

Recently, she was at a happy hour with some friends. They got into a conversation with some guys at the next table. They talked for a bit, and then the men moved on.

When you’re single, opportunities to meet someone can pop up and vanish just that quickly. You get a few minutes of conversation at most. That’s it.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a typical social environment, like a bar, or somewhere else, like the gym, the breakroom at work, or even the grocery store. If you meet a guy you’d like to get to know better, you get one shot at a first impression.

How do you make it count?

There are several psychological hacks[i] you can use to make the most of those moments. These aren’t tricks or traps. I would never suggest that you deceive a guy you’re interested in.

Instead, these are ways to fast-track showing him the kind of person you are. And at the same time, you’ll get to find out what kind of person he is.

If you want to make the most of an opportunity for romance, the following three hacks will help nail that first impression.

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How and When to Tell Him about Medical Issues


how to explain medical issues
I am very grateful for all the kind, sweet, thoughtful, and responsible women who ask me this question: “I have this issue that I feel I need to be upfront with him about before our relationship goes too far.  Should I tell him about it on the first date?”

I appreciate these women, but they go too far in their efforts to avoid deceiving a potential partner.  Some women seem to feel they are being deceitful or irresponsible if they do not reveal all of their physical or mental health flaws on the first date.  I disagree.

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Before You Text Your Boyfriend, Read This

how to avoid texting mistakesHere are a few things I have learned about texting as a relationship coach.

1.You should not make decisions or write those decisions in a text message when you are upset.

2.You should be VERY slow to respond to text messages when you are angry.

3.Your own mood will determine how you imagine the other person’s tone of voice as you read their text.

I can recall countless episodes of sitting in my office with a client who insisted I read a series of back and forth text messages between her and her boyfriend.

In most of these situations they were not asking me for advice. Instead, they were looking for validation. Validation of the intense feelings of frustration with a boyfriend who was in a full fledged emotional blame game with them.

In many of these situations, a quick read of the first few text messages revealed the problem.

I’m talking about the snowball effect of misinterpretation. Just one misunderstanding early in the text-conversation causes a splintering of perspectives. Almost like you and your boyfriend enter parallel dimensions, or alternate universes.

The context of a statement is misunderstood, but neither person realizes the misunderstanding has occurred. As a result, both parties continue the conversation under differing sets of assumptions about the other person’s thoughts and motivations.

The Text Message Land-Mine

That creates a land mine just waiting for one of you to step on. Because neither of you remembers having set a land mine, you both launch into a blame game fueled by frustration.

It’s amazing how often people overlook the possibility that simple miscommunication has occurred. And it’s because emotions (both positive and negative) can severely skew the way we interpret written messages.

The lack of vocal intonation, facial expression, and other nonverbal clues creates a much larger range of possible interpretations for written words compared with in-person communication.

There is a solution to this common problem. But first, let’s look at a real-life example of the problem as it unfolds.

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