How Do You Make a Man Like You?

How Do You Make a Man Like You?I love it when I get asked:

“How do you make someone like you?”

It’s a fantastic question. Because we all want to be liked.

We want to make friends, or win fans, or excel at networking. We want the social approval that smooths the way to success.

But where the question gets really interesting is with respect to romance.

To a certain extent, the same skills that help you win friends also help you attract the opposite sex. Being friendly, approachable, and interested in other people always helps.

Mindset matters, too. If you believe you have to “make” people like you, you end up performing like a trick horse to win their attention. But if you genuinely believe that everyone loves you already—they just don’t know you yet—your confidence wins hearts.

But romance is different from winning friends in one important respect:

Being liked isn’t enough.

You want him to be interested in you as a potential girlfriend. And that means he’s got to look at you differently than his other female friends. There’s got to be a spark of intrigue, chemistry, and a deeper sort of fascination.

How in the world do you whip up that potent cocktail?

Do you make sure you’re always looking as sexy as you possibly can—without being too obvious? Do you flirt so subtly he’s never quite sure if you mean it?

Do you alternate friendliness with coolness, so you keep him off guard?

Here are three lesser-known tactics that work just as well.

  1. Open up to ANY relationship, not just one with him.

One of the biggest blocks to attraction is being emotionally or energetically closed off.

Envision a woman who’s in love with her co-worker. He sits just a few cubicles down from her, but she’s too afraid to make eye contact or stop and chat with him. She wants him to like her, but she’s afraid of making a move in case he rejects her.

There’s an easy way to reduce the risk of rejection, and that’s by opening yourself up emotionally to any new relationship, whether it’s romantic or not.

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Be Friends with Your Man (Just Not All The Time)

How To Be Friends with Your ManDo you consider your partner a friend? You should.

Sometimes.

The French philosopher Jean de la Bruyere once said, “Love and friendship exclude each other.”

This is a deep topic. I mean, think about what the average dating relationship is like.

There are similarities to friendship, for sure. You share mutually enjoyable activities, hang out, talk, support each other, and generally stay in close communication. That doesn’t sound all that different from your connection with your best friend.

And then there’s the stuff you DON’T do with your best friend. Like kiss.

In one sense, an underlying friendship makes romance stronger. But, to our French friend’s point, there’s a reason we use terms like “the friend zone” to describe guys you’re not into. Friendship is NOT romantic love.

Researchers have even studied the tension between the two concepts. Here’s what they found.

When you’re not friendly toward your guy, he’ll want you more. Basically, he’ll be more inclined to chase what he doesn’t have. But without the underlying likeability of friendship, he’ll be less satisfied with what he gets when he catches you.[1]

What a catch-22. Be his buddy, but kill the passion. Or keep the passion alive, but crush your actual connection.

How in the world can you be friends with your guy without wrecking the romance? You have to be his part-time friend. Sometimes he’s your pal, and sometimes he’s your MAN.

Striking that balance is tricky, but doable. You have to intentionally cultivate both the friendship and the romance. That means doing two things…

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3 Rules You Need to Know about Men

How To Understand MenI can’t get away with saying that men aren’t complicated.

Women don’t believe me. They’ve been on the receiving end of too many mystifying texts or communication blackouts. If men were simple, wouldn’t they say what they mean and cut the games?

But if I said, “We guys are not complicated,” to a roomful of guys, every single one would nod. Men don’t see themselves as complicated. We like to think we’re pretty straight-forward.

So who’s right? Are men simple or mysterious?

I’ve come to realize that male behavior is mystifying to women—but not to other men.  It all makes sense once you learn the male code.

A friend of mine, who also writes about relationships, spends a lot of time reading books written by men for men about what it means to be a man. She says it’s been a huge eye-opener for her. She had no idea men worried so much.

She now understands that men don’t really inhabit the same world she does. What he sees and what she sees can differ a lot. She can’t figure out his behavior by putting herself in his shoes, because his shoes don’t fit.

It works both ways. Sometimes I recommend that men read a romance novel, to give them insight into female fantasies. They resist it every step of the way. They’re sure they’ll hate it.

But it gives them a lot to think about. They may have never thought about why romance and passion matter. They start to see it’s less about how they perform and more about how she feels.

The male code has gotten a lot of attention in recent decades. Authors like Sam Keen and Robert Bly raised awareness of the harmful and heroic sides of manhood. Most men are now aware that becoming a man has as much to do with culture as biology.

But what are the unwritten rules of manhood? And how do they affect you?

Here’s a quick introduction.

Male Rule #1:
Think logically.

True or false?

Men are rational; women are emotional.

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Why You Should Play the Long Game

How To Find a Long Term RelationshipWhy You Should Play the Long Game

Jennifer was sick and tired of being overlooked by men … and she wasn’t shy about letting me know it.

“I could follow all the dating advice out there to the letter,” she complained, “and it wouldn’t do me as much good as liposuction. All I need to do is look hot. Then everything will fall into place.”

Was Jennifer right?

At a cursory glance, what she says has merit. Focus on your looks, and male attention flows. Each admiring glance feels like money in the bank.

But I like to think of the long game. And I was hoping to convince Jennifer of that, too.

There are two ways to play the dating game:

You can play the short game, or you can play the long game.

The short game is all about instant gratification. It’s about getting more male attention, the phone number requests, the hits on your online dating profile. You know you’re winning because you’re flooded with so much attention.

But the short game is hard to win. There’s a lot of competition. There are women with glossier hair, who take better selfies, or are more shameless about self-promoting.

I see so many women disheartened because they’re losing the short game. They’re not walking into venues and seeing heads swivel. They’re not getting five date requests a week.

But there’s a better game in town.

A game with higher odds of winning.

The long game is all about a lifetime of love. It’s not concerned about what happens today. It’s concerned about progress: that slow, gradual movement towards a dream. It aims for strong marriages and lifetime commitment.

What you look like isn’t so important in the long game. In fact, so-called “beautiful people” are at a disadvantage.  A 2017 Harvard study found that attractive couples are more likely to divorce, and their relationships don’t last as long.[1]

What keeps marriages together is this: Continue reading