When You’re Tired of Waiting on His Promises

When You’re Tired of Waiting on His PromisesHas this ever happened to you?

He swears he’s in love with you. He wants you to have a future together. He makes a promise to you.

But…

He’ll delays telling his friends you’re his girlfriend, promising to do so when the timing is better.

He’ll find a place for the two of you to live together as soon as his lease runs out. He’ll propose as soon as he has the money for a ring.

So many promises. So much hope.

Weeks pass. You mention his promises. He swears to you that he’s onto it. You just have to be patient.

Months pass. You mention his promises. He tells you to stop nagging him. You need to trust him.

A year passes. You stop mentioning his promises. Somewhere deep inside, you know the truth. He never intended to live up to his word.

When you’re in that situation, it’s hard to know what to do. You want to believe him so much. This is the man you want a future with, after all.

But you can’t deny the evidence. You can see that he’s done nothing.

Living in limbo is painful. You want to move forward, but he’s holding back. You don’t know why, and you’re not sure if you want to know why. You may learn something you wish you’d never learned.

When a man’s words don’t match his actions, you have a few options:

  1. You can give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s being honest with you about the timing not being right, or not having the money. You can be the better person. You can be patient.
  2. You can push a little harder. Maybe he’s procrastinating. Maybe he’s forgotten about the promise he made. Surely he’ll appreciate a little reminder. Or two. Or three.
  3. You can apply a little leverage. You can give him some space and see if that lights a fire under him. Or you can issue an ultimatum: either he lives up to his promises or he loses you.
  4. You can put the truth on the line. You don’t know why he’s not taking action on what he promised you. So ask him. Tell him your fears. Tell him you’re worried that he made that promise just to make you happy. Watch his face closely. Ask your gut what it thinks.

Here’s what I think of each of those options. I’ll finish by telling you what I’d recommend, and why it will bring you closer than ever.

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How Invalidation Can Tear Apart Your Relationship—And What to Do about It

the importance of validation in relationshipsJanelle was telling me about a recent argument with her boyfriend.

“I can’t get the back door unlocked.”

She laughed at my blank expression.

“Look, I know it doesn’t sound like a relationship issue, but it has become one.  The lock jams several times each week. Nothing I can do will get it to open.”

“And how does that relate to your relationship?” I asked curiously.

“He doesn’t believe me!” This time, her laughter had a hysterical edge. “He says I’m not doing it right. It always works for him.”

She sniffed. To my surprise, I saw tears starting to form in her eyes. She rubbed them away with the back of her hand.

Was this really about a door … or was it something else?

To an outsider, this looks like a simple difference in opinion. He thinks she’s not opening the door right; she thinks it’s genuinely jammed.

But some things aren’t a matter of opinion.

Your personal experience is one of them.

Few things are more frustrating than trying to communicate something important to your partner … only to be told it’s all in your head.

That’s why validation should be a part of every healthy relationship.

When you validate your partner, you recognize that his thoughts, beliefs and perspectives are valid, regardless of whether you share his view or even understand it.

Janelle’s boyfriend didn’t understand why she felt the door was jamming. Because his experience wasn’t the same as her experience, he jumped to the conclusion that her experience was invalid.

That’s the exact opposite of what good partners do.

He could have listened to her. He could have found out more. He could have investigated this issue. Instead, he dismissed something that was clearly upsetting her.

No one has the right to tell you what your experience should have been. You are the only authority on what happens to you. If someone tells you they know what’s going through your head better than you do—and they’re not joking—run.

the importance of validation in relationshipsAfter that incident with her boyfriend, Janelle stopped going to him when she needed help. She felt shamed for reaching out and stung by his presumption of superiority. If she were only more like him, she thought, she wouldn’t be having this problem. She should be more like a man rather than a helpless woman, incapable of opening a door.

Janelle and her boyfriend needed to learn how to validate each other—fast.

Or they’d continue growing apart, until they no longer had a relationship at all.

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If You Don’t Need a Man, Can You Still Rely on Him

how to stop being codependent“I’m never going to look for a man to complete me again,” Janice vowed. “No more relying on men. I declare my own independence.”

I smiled warmly at Janice’s enthusiasm. She’d done a lot of work on herself in the past year. She knew she didn’t want any more codependent relationships. She was done with trying to save her romantic partners.

“That’s a good goal for you,” I told her, “but it’s just a stepping stone. Your ultimate goal is interdependence.”

Janice looked confused. “I thought dependence was bad.”

“Interdependence is something different,” I explained. “It’s when you rely on one another, but you don’t need each other.”

At times like these, I wish the language of psychology was a bit clearer. Everyone knows the difference between independence and dependence, but not as many people are familiar with terms like codependence and interdependence.

If your aim is a healthy, long-lasting relationship, then understanding the subtle differences in those concepts can help you a lot.

As Janice discovered, you don’t need a man to complete you, but it’s great to find a man to complement you. I’ll show you how in a minute.

First, let’s look at what happens when you need a man to complete you.

The technical term is codependence. A codependent relationship is one where you need your partner to need you in order to feel whole. You can’t be yourself without him. If your relationship ended, you’d feel lost.

how to stop being codependentIn codependent relationships, you use one another to get your needs met. Perhaps you need someone to take care of, and he likes being taken care of. Perhaps he’s an introvert, and he needs an extroverted partner to bring him out of his bubble.

Being needed feels good. That’s why Janice kept choosing romantic partners who needed her. One was hopeless with money and relied on her to keep the rent paid. Another drank too much and wouldn’t have held down a job if it weren’t for her constant support.

She felt safe in those relationships, because she knew he wouldn’t leave her if he couldn’t function without her. It was scary to contemplate dating someone who didn’t need her. He might not have any reason to stay.

But Janice was determined to change. She was going to become the least needy woman on the planet. She was sure that success lay in not needing men at all.

“After all,” she told me, “don’t men love independent women? I thought that was one of the things they looked for.”

“Independence is something to cultivate while you’re single, certainly,” I agreed. “But you have to be ready to step forward into interdependence once you start a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling ‘alone together.’”

“How do I do that?”

This is what I recommended.

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4 “Bad” Qualities to Look for in Guys You Date

Qualities to Look for in Guys You DateSo there you are. He just picked you up for the first date.

You make small talk as you head to the restaurant. Nothing deep. Just typical getting-to-know-you banter. It’s going well . . . and then IT happens.

Another car cuts him off.

He pumps the brakes, easily avoiding an accident. It’s no big deal, really. It wasn’t even much of a close call. But he unleashes a tirade of expletives that would make a sailor blush.

He’s cussing with more imagination and passion than you thought possible. You didn’t even know THAT word could be a noun, a verb, and an adjective in the same sentence. If it weren’t so shocking, it would be impressive.

That level of irrational anger probably is a red flag.  But here’s something interesting I recently read about people with colorful language.   

A recent study uncovered an unlikely correlation between swearing and honesty. According to researchers, there’s a potential upside to profanity. People who curse more tend to be more honest, as well.

Of course, a foul mouth can also be offensive. I’m not telling you to run right out and find a guy who relies on four-letter words for all his communication. But this does highlight an interesting paradox.

Some character traits we think of as “bad” could actually be signs of virtue.

I’ll take it one step further. There may be guys you’ve turned down because you saw something you think of as a flaw. But what if that negative was a positive in disguise?

Below are four “bad” qualities that just might signify something good about a potential suitor. If you come across a guy with one of these traits, get to know him a little better before sending the signal that you’re not interested.

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