Why You Should Play the Long Game

How To Find a Long Term RelationshipWhy You Should Play the Long Game

Jennifer was sick and tired of being overlooked by men … and she wasn’t shy about letting me know it.

“I could follow all the dating advice out there to the letter,” she complained, “and it wouldn’t do me as much good as liposuction. All I need to do is look hot. Then everything will fall into place.”

Was Jennifer right?

At a cursory glance, what she says has merit. Focus on your looks, and male attention flows. Each admiring glance feels like money in the bank.

But I like to think of the long game. And I was hoping to convince Jennifer of that, too.

There are two ways to play the dating game:

You can play the short game, or you can play the long game.

The short game is all about instant gratification. It’s about getting more male attention, the phone number requests, the hits on your online dating profile. You know you’re winning because you’re flooded with so much attention.

But the short game is hard to win. There’s a lot of competition. There are women with glossier hair, who take better selfies, or are more shameless about self-promoting.

I see so many women disheartened because they’re losing the short game. They’re not walking into venues and seeing heads swivel. They’re not getting five date requests a week.

But there’s a better game in town.

A game with higher odds of winning.

The long game is all about a lifetime of love. It’s not concerned about what happens today. It’s concerned about progress: that slow, gradual movement towards a dream. It aims for strong marriages and lifetime commitment.

What you look like isn’t so important in the long game. In fact, so-called “beautiful people” are at a disadvantage.  A 2017 Harvard study found that attractive couples are more likely to divorce, and their relationships don’t last as long.[1]

What keeps marriages together is this: Continue reading

How Personal Branding Can Help You Find Your Match

How To Find Your MatchYou’re at a party. Your host introduces you to someone you haven’t met before. He’s tall and good-looking, and his entire attention is focused on you.

He grins and says, “So, tell me about yourself.”

You stare at him like a deer caught in the headlights. He wants me to tell him about MYSELF? What do I say?

He’s still waiting. You’ve got a split second to come up with something.

What should you say?

  1. Ask, “Well, what do you want to know about me?”
  2. Tell him what you do for a living?
  3. Tell him what you do for fun?
  4. Just make sure you slip in the fact that you’re single?

We know first impressions matter. We know that it takes mere seconds for someone to decide if this is a relationship worth pursuing. Any veteran of speed dating can attest to the fact that it’s hard to rock those first few minutes.

Most advice on first impressions focuses on non-verbal body language.

  • Stand up straight
  • Make eye contact
  • Relax and smile

But what about the talking part? If you fumble while thinking of something to say, will he look past that?

Maybe. But why take the chance when you can ensure this never happens to you?

Here’s my simple solution. Have a one or two-sentence personal brand statement prepared in your mind. It sums up who you are and why he might like to get to know you better.

Your personal brand is what makes you unique. In business, it helps distinguish you from your competitors and lets clients and potential employers know why you’re the best fit.

Personal brands are important, too. Especially when you’re dating.

An online dating profile crafted with your personal brand in mind stands out. It catches the right attention from the right people. It even suggests potential conversational topics.

A good personal brand should evoke surprise and delight. There’s something about you he wasn’t expecting. He’s intrigued—in a good way—and he wants to know more.

For many of us, it’s not easy to showcase who we are. We’d rather speak plainly about who we are and try to be as humble as possible. Treating ourselves as a “brand” feels inauthentic—and more than a little vain.

But do you really want a man to see you as ordinary and nothing special?

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Tap Into Authenticity for Romantic Bliss

How To Have Romantic BlissHave you ever been happy and miserable at the same time?

I was talking to a client the other day. From outward appearances, she’s got it made. She has an amazing job, she’s in good shape, and the guy she’s dating is a real catch. She looks happy practically all the time.

But sometimes it’s an act.

As we dug into things, we realized that a lot of her occasional dissatisfaction has to do with her relationship.

Her man takes her on amazing dates. They have all kinds of fun. She really likes him. But she doesn’t feel like it’s okay to show him the not-happy side of herself.

“Just the other day we had dinner,” she told me. “We were at this romantic little café. The food was great. But work was hard that day and I wanted to vent. I just . . . didn’t feel like it would be okay. I don’t want to be all negative around him. So I stuffed it down and smiled.

“Then I went home and cried.”

I don’t think she’s alone in that experience.

Students of my relationship courses know that men like women with positive energy. But that doesn’t mean you have to be upbeat every waking minute. That wouldn’t be very authentic at all, and men like authenticity a lot, too.

Not only are men NOT looking for someone who’s giddy all the time, but acting like you’re constantly bursting with joy can leave you drained and miserable.

That’s because happiness is linked to authenticity. We’re happiest when we’re true to ourselves—even if that means sometimes being upset, angry or sad.

Here’s what that means for your relationship. You’ll feel the highest levels of intimacy and romantic satisfaction when you feel free to share how you really feel.

Being lovey-dovey all the time won’t make you feel good. Being REAL is the key.

If you’re interested in authenticity in your relationship, keep reading. I’ve got three powerful tips for incorporating genuine, transparent communication into dating.

Follow these suggestions and you’ll definitely feel more happiness when you’re around your guy. Continue reading

The Power of Presence to Banish Nervous Habits

how to overcome nervous habitsUncontrollable giggling.

Babbling.

Nervous gestures.

You never do anything like that …. do you? 😉

Every one of us acts in a very specific way when we get nervous.

People who know us can tell. No matter how hard we try to come across as calm, cool, and collected, our unconscious habits give us away.

Maybe we talk too loud. Or too fast.

Maybe we pace. Tap one foot. Can’t stand still.

Or maybe we sweat. Not just a fresh sheen of perspiration, either. We’re talking visible drops of sweat.  

It would be nice if we could turn off our nervous habits at will. “Oops, I’m sweating! Okay, armpits, turn off the tap.”

But we can’t. Nervous habits don’t listen.

And we live in fear that someone will notice.

What if it happens with someone you really like? What if it happens on a date? What if it happens with the person you want most to impress in the entire world?

You can imagine the frown. The revulsion. The quick end to the conversation. The horrible feeling of let-down.

But that doesn’t have to happen.

You actually DO have control over your nervous responses.

Your heart doesn’t have to start racing. You don’t have to panic. You can stay relaxed and be yourself in any encounter, no matter how gorgeous he is.

The key is what experts call presence.

Presence is one of the foundations of charisma. It’s what makes a person stand out in a crowd.

how to overcome nervous habitsWhile everyone else is focusing on their phone or hurrying to get where they need to go, the present person strolls in complete confidence, taking in every nuance of his or her surroundings, open to synchronistic encounters.

When you’re present, you’re in the now. You’re not lost in your thoughts or your fears or your worries. You’re in your body. You’re grounded.

That’s important, because one of the things that happens when you get nervous is that your mind takes over. It goes into protection mode, blocking out everything but the urgent situation at hand.

Your sympathetic nervous system kicks in, preparing you to fight or flee. You become oblivious to everything but your performance … a performance that now feels like a disaster.

Here’s how to stop the cycle.

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