Getting What You Want From Your Guy

Getting What You Want From Your GuyTell me if you’ve heard this one.

There’s an old metaphor people sometimes use to describe relationships. They say relationships are like a checking account.

You make deposits when you do something nice or meaningful for your man. When you need something from him, that’s like making a withdrawal. It’s a simple analogy that mostly works.

Mostly. But here’s the problem with it.

People don’t really keep tabs on how often you do something nice for them. In fact, people are more likely to remember negative encounters than positive ones!

That’s not great news if you’re hoping a sweet gesture today will win you a favor tomorrow.

But fear not. There’s another way to get your guy to do what you want.

In a classic study dating all the way back to the 1970’s, researchers uncovered a strategy that consistently motivates others to fulfill YOUR requests.

No, it’s not magic. It’s not manipulation, either. It’s something far more simple. Plus, you can put this strategy to work in your relationship today.

If you want something from your partner, give him a REASON to act.

I know. It sounds insanely obvious. In fact, you’ve probably tried variations of this approach, yourself. But there are a couple of secrets to making it work every time.

The key is a two-prong approach – one thing you should avoid, and one thing you should include.

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Getting Your Romance In Alignment with the Rest of Your Life

how to find the right relationshipHave you ever given thought to how much influence your man has over your life? Both day-to-day happiness, and your overall direction?

His influence is profound.

If you were a fan of the TV show The Office, you’ve seen a fictional version of this in action. By the end of the series, Jim and Pam were married and had kids. But they started as friends, and Pam was engaged to one of the guys who worked in the warehouse.

Pam was the receptionist back then, though she dreamed of a career in graphic design.

But her former fiancé wasn’t supportive of her artistic interests. He wasn’t invested in planning (or even setting a date for) the wedding, either. In fact, Pam was more of an accessory in his life than a focal point.

And it showed. She didn’t pursue any of her dreams. Her boyfriend was a HUGE factor.

The people you surround yourself with can raise you up or pull you down. In fact, recent research shows that even the person you sit next to at work can affect your performance!

Think about how much more significant your partner is.

You need a man who fits with the rest of your life. I’m talking about romance that aligns with everything else that matters to you.

If you can find alignment in the three areas below, you’ll be happier, healthier, and much more likely to have the kind of love you want.

This is the stuff of lasting romance…

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What to Do When Your Relationship Gets Sick

how to solve relationship problemsImagine this scenario.

You wake up one morning feeling kind of crummy. You’ve got a slight fever, and your throat feels like sandpaper. Didn’t someone at the office have strep last week?

Crap.

You go to your doctor, fully expecting him to diagnose you with the strep throat. Because the throat-swab came back positive for Strep.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he tells you to take a cold shower for the fever, and he recommends mints to ease the pain in your throat.

Mints?! You need antibiotics for a bacterial infection like strep!

If that happened, your doctor would just be treating the symptoms without ever addressing the underlying cause. Crazy, right?

And yet, we do the same thing in relationships all the time.

When things are off in a relationship, it’s exhausting. You’ll feel drained and emotionally raw, like a romantic version of the strep. It sucks.

And it won’t get better if you just treat the symptoms.

Treating the symptoms of a “relationship bug” can take on many different forms. You might pamper yourself with a shopping splurge. Or respond to his frustrating behavior with some passive-aggressive jabs. Or even disconnect emotionally by avoiding real conversation and intimate moments.

The relationship will stay sick, and you’ll only feel marginally better. Rather than just treating the symptoms, why not deal with the disease?

I have three suggestions for getting over a relationship ailment.[i] If you’re feeling fatigued in your current romance, the cure is likely in one of these three places.

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The Mistake Everyone Makes When Moving Their Relationship Forward

The Mistake Everyone Makes When Moving Their Relationship ForwardHere’s how relationships are supposed to go:

Meet. Date. Fall in love. Become official. Spend most of your free time together. Get engaged. Get married. Have kids. Live happily ever after.

When you follow the timeline, you know exactly what comes next.

Are you falling in love? Then the next step is to become official. He introduces you as his girlfriend. You change your social media status to “In a relationship.”

Are you together all the time? Then the next step is to get engaged. You watch for signs he’s hiding a large purchase from you, the jewelry store receipt itself if you’re lucky.

You rate your relationships based on where you are in the timeline.

If you’re just dating, you want to be exclusive. If you’re in a relationship, you want to talk about marriage. If you’re stuck in any one stage for too long, you get frustrated. You want to reach the next milestone.

That process is so familiar to us that we take it for granted.

But seeing relationships as a series of goals, each moving you closer to your ultimate destination of happily-ever-after, can backfire.

Where a relationship is in the timeline says little about where it is in terms of what really matters: intimacy, friendship, trust, and respect. Those qualities are what gets you to happily-ever-after, not the wedding ring.

I think back to the Zen proverb that goes:

“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”

The proverb warns against focusing too much on the end goal. Whether you’re enlightened or not, you still need fuel to cook and water to drink.

These days, that proverb might look more like this:

 “Before marriage, wash dishes, do laundry.
After marriage, wash dishes, do laundry.”

Regardless of whether you’re wearing a wedding ring, the activities that consume your time remain the same. You still have to go to work, buy groceries, keep the house clean, and get a good night’s sleep. Marriage won’t change that.

So, instead of setting your sights on reaching that next relationship goal, set your sights on building a good relationship. When you two are best friends as well as lovers, your relationship moves forward effortlessly.

But there’s a problem with good relationships…

There’s no extra social status associated with being in a healthy relationship. Nothing to “check off” to show you’ve arrived.

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