Discover What Jealousy Can Teach You

learning from jealousyImagine:

The world has blown up. There are only two people left on Earth:

You … and Mr. Dreamy.

There’s no one else left. No rivals. No one thinner, prettier, or sexier. No one who’ll steal him from you.

Do you fall in love and live happily ever after?

It’s tempting to think that’s what it would take.

To get the attention of a Mr. Dreamy, you’d have to rid the world of other women. Other women are the problem. They’re the reason men look the other way.

Sounds a bit extreme!

But have you ever had thoughts like:

If only she wasn’t here, he’d pay attention to me.
She stole him from me, even though she knew I was interested in him.
I can’t compete with her. I’m no swimsuit model.

Jealousy makes a lot of sense when you operate from a “scarcity” mindset.

Scarcity is the idea that the dating pool is limited and there aren’t enough guys to go around. You have to fight to get in front, and then you have to fight to keep your man.

You’ll find a lot of support for that belief. It’s a popular one.

But if you stretch that belief to its logical conclusion—that the best way to snag a man is to get rid of the competition—you realize there’s a problem with scarcity thinking.

If the world blew up tomorrow, leaving only you and your ideal man, would you be happy?

Maybe you would. Maybe love is all you need. Maybe you don’t need other people.

But maybe Mr. Dreamy isn’t all he’s cracked up to be. You’d be left until the end of time with no one but a man for company. Might get boring. You might end up wishing for another woman to talk to.

To be happy, we need more than love. We need our social network around us.

Without friends, who would we vent about our other half to? You can love someone to the moon and back, but still need your friends for heart-to-hearts.

As long as there are other women in the world, there’s a chance your dream man might shift his attention away from you. And that’s a chance worth taking.

Instead of eliminating the competition, a better strategy is to look at what you do when you start feeling jealous.

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What to Do If You Suck at First Impressions

What to Do If You Suck at First ImpressionsIt takes seven seconds to make a first impression.[i]

You heard me right. Seven seconds. We size up other people in a fraction of the time it takes to brush our teeth!

And first impressions are powerful. They’re so powerful that they rarely change. Basically, you get one shot. Blow it, and you’re far less likely to make a connection. A failed first impression will end your chances with a guy before you’ve even had time to start a conversation.

In seven seconds, we decide if the other person is someone we want to know better or someone we’d rather just forget.

No pressure, right?

Actually, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Nailing a first impression isn’t that hard. In fact, you only need one trick up your sleeve.

There’s a whole science behind how we make first impressions. After more than a decade of research, psychologists have discovered that one characteristic influences first impressions more than any other.

When two people meet, the first question they ask about the other is, “Can I trust you?”[ii]

If you’re surprised by that, you’re not alone. A lot of people assume that confidence is the key, especially when it comes to dating.

Here’s the funny thing about that. People who project confidence without seeming trustworthy are typically disliked. Instead of being approachable, they look arrogant.

If you want to give a good first impression, you have to project a sense of trustworthiness before anything else.

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Use this Force field on Your Ex

how to move on from a breakupIf a man you loved ended the relationship, does that say anything about you?

Did you do something wrong to make it end?

Did he see something in your personality that made him turn away?

Your answers reveal how well you deal with rejection.

That’s the word from a study published in the January 2016 Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.[1]

Taking the end of a relationship personally by blaming yourself makes it more difficult to move on and find someone new.

On the other hand, people who see breakups as something that happens to everyone can move on more easily. Their faith in themselves and faith in love remains intact.

Any time you open your heart to someone, you risk rejection.

Even if you marry the man of your dreams and celebrate your tenth wedding anniversary, you both retain the option to walk away at some future point.

So reducing the negative emotional impact of rejection is worthwhile for all women, whether they’re in a relationship or not.

Study authors Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck suggest the best way to thrive in the face of rejection is to realize that we are all capable of growing and changing as people.

Even if you did something to cause a relationship to end, you can learn from your behavior. You can use what happened as a springboard to become a better person.

But not everyone believes they can change. Some people believe that who you are now is who you’ll be forever.

This “fixed mindset” hampers your ability to recover from rejection.

If you believe you have some fundamental flaw that sabotages your relationships, you’ll be wary about exposing your true self to someone new. You’ll put up walls and hold parts of yourself back.

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Beautiful People vs Beautiful Relationships

comparing yourself to others“He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.

But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

– Antoine De Saint Exupery, The Little Prince

 

It’s a bad idea to compare yourself to other women. Not just a little bad. Epically bad.

I once dated an identical twin. We were already a couple before I met her sister, and I was more than a little nervous.

What if I found her sister attractive, too? I mean, they looked the same. Would I feel the same kind of feelings for this other person? And if I did, would the woman I was dating be able to tell?

The whole thing ended up being fairly anti-climactic. I didn’t feel anything special toward her sister. She looked just like my girlfriend, but that was about it.

I learned something important. It’s your history together that makes someone special. Not the way you look. Not your sense of humor, your intelligence, or even your values.

Am I saying those deeper qualities don’t matter? Of course not. Those are the things that make you who you are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that stuff is inconsequential. It defines you.

But it doesn’t define your relationship. Your history together does.

If the guy you’re with meets another girl with a similar sense of humor, or mirror-image values, that doesn’t mean he’s going to feel the kind of connection he feels with you.

Those qualities are important. They played a role in bringing the two of you together. But your relationship is built on something he doesn’t have with anyone else. Something he can’t have with anyone else. Time with you.

Maybe he met you at a gym. He likes a woman who takes care of her body. He tells you this all the time. So it makes sense if you feel a little insecure when a physical trainer starts chatting him up. Her legs are even more toned than yours! Will he feel attracted to her?

He may find her legs attractive. I won’t lie. So…does that mean you need to hit the gym more often? Do you need to compete?

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