Why Men Lose Focus on Relationships (And How To Gently Pull Him Back)

why men lose relationship focus– Duke (James Garner), The Notebook (2004)

Duke got it. Success is as simple as real, lasting connection with another person. This is true for both women and men. We’re all hardwired to crave relationship.

Our connections with other people give life its greatest purpose.

But sometimes men lose sight of this basic truth. By nature, men tend to focus on goals and achievements, and it’s easy for non-relationship goals to take center stage.

That’s fine when it happens for a short while. It can even be good since it allows for razor-sharp focus. The problem occurs when a man forgets to bring his attention back to his relationship with you once a mission has been accomplished.

Let me explain why this happens to men. Imagine what life was like for humans thousands of years ago. Men were typically hunters. The man would leave his family and go out into the wild to find food.

Why? Because he loved his family and wanted to provide for them. Relationship was his ultimate goal. By hunting, he was providing for his family. When he succeeded, he felt joy because of what it meant for his family.

But the thrill of the hunt, developing new skills, and seeking prestige among fellow hunters can cause a gradual shift in attention. Seeking success in hunting can gradually remove his focus from his partner or family.

The same thing happens to modern man. The rat race is fierce. It takes intense focus to climb the corporate ladder, stay out of debt, win the approval of friends and family.

When a man invests himself in his job to the degree that he forgets the rest of his life, we call him a “workaholic.” Like a prehistoric hunter, his job can steal his focus.

Sadly, guys don’t even need jobs for this effect to play out.

Young men in college can become distracted while building the perfect physique, or trying to become popular. Even the quest for the ultimate bro-adventure can become an obsession.

While this is happening, he may pay lip service to the woman in his life, saying she’s the most important thing. But in reality, she’s only getting the left-over scraps of his attention.

His passion is pointed somewhere else. She may even be reduced to just another “accomplishment.”

Of course, eventually those non-relationship accomplishments reveal themselves to be empty. If he’s lucky, he sees that quickly. For some unfortunate men, it takes years.

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When he clams up, do this.

how to help your man open upMen sometimes clam up.

Try as hard as you want, there are times when it feels impossible to get your guy to talk.

You’ve likely been there. You know something is bothering him. You’re sure of it. Maybe you know of a specific issue he’s dealing with, or maybe he’s just being distant. Either way, all the signs are there. He’s got a lot going on in his mind, but he won’t let you in.

If you try to pry information out of him, he doesn’t respond well. When you ask how he’s doing, he answers in a single word: “Fine.” It can be infuriating, and even scary.

If he won’t talk to you, what does that mean about your relationship? Is this a sign that something is really wrong?

The most important thing to remember at those moments is that guys and girls handle emotional stress very differently.

When you’re working through something, you likely feel compelled to talk it out. A lot of women do. Men, on the other hand, tend to wall themselves off. They tinker with the issue in their heads, trying to find a solution to the problem. But they rarely share their thought process by default.

It may sound crazy to you, trying to tackle big issues all alone like that, but many men prefer this approach.

This leaves you in a tough spot. What do you do at those moments? How can you be supportive? How can you encourage your guy to open up? And, just as important, how can you determine if the issue involves you?

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How to Protect Your Relationship from Going Cold

keeping the passion in a relationship
Imagine a man and woman, cuddled close on a cold night in a rickety old cabin.

The cabin has many flaws. It leaks heat during the night, bringing a chill into the air.

You can solve this problem by patching up the cracks. Or you can solve this problem by maintaining a roaring fire in the small room where you both sleep.

Both solutions achieve the same goal.

It’s okay if your relationship has a few cracks in the seams as long as you feed the fire to maintain the warmth.
Most people think they need to fix all the problems in a relationship. They feel hesitant to be their warmest, most loving self while there are small problems to be dealt with.

But sometimes it’s best to turn up the heat instead of trying to patch up little problems.
I’m talking about your warmth indicators. Here are a few of them:
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Should I press for improvements in the relationship or just move on?

Relationship Decisions Angie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.

I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.

In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”

This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.

We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!

The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.

Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality.

So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.

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