How to Be More Likeable… by Admitting to Embarrassing Truths

How to Be More Likeable… by Admitting to Embarrassing TruthsTwo people are on a first date. They barely know one another. They’re just feeling each other out.

Let’s listen in:

MAN: Yeah, I guess I like to keep active. My buddies do this flag football thing every weekend.

WOMAN: That means no tackling, right?

MAN: (laughs) Yeah, that’s exactly right. How about you? What kind of stuff do you do?

WOMAN: (shrugs) You know, I try to get to the gym. Try being the key term in that sentence.

MAN: I hear you.

WOMAN: I do yoga. There’s a mountain trail I run on when I can.

MAN: I love mountain trails. I ride my bike around Fryman Canyon every weekend if I can. Do you ride?

WOMAN: (pause) Not much. Did you see that new DiCaprio movie?

Why did she pause? Why did she change the subject?

Because she doesn’t know how to ride a bike. But she didn’t want to tell him.

She felt embarrassed. She was worried he’d think less of her.

We do things like this all the time. We feel awkward or embarrassed, so we skirt the question.

And we think we’re protecting ourselves. We think we’re making it more likely that others will like us.

But according to research studies, the opposite is true.

When people sense that you are withholding information or avoiding a question, they like you less. Which is probably pretty obvious. If you think someone isn’t being upfront with you, it’s hard to trust them

But the studies reveal even more…

People who did disclose sensitive information were liked more than those who did not disclose something. Even if the information was negative or unflattering!

In the study, this was even true for some pretty bad disclosures.

For example, participants answered a question about whether or not they had ever lied to a partner about having an STD.

Some refused to answer. Others admitted to lying.

People were significantly more willing to date participants who admitted to lying to previous partners. Crazy, right?

Here’s how to use this information to build your irresistible qualities…

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How to Tell if He’s Just Fishing

How to Tell if He’s Just FishingIt seemed so promising.

You were thrilled when this guy you met online asked for your mobile number. Although you’re careful about giving out your number (after some bad experiences with unwanted pictures), this guy seemed genuine. His texts were funny, interesting, and kept you thinking about him.

After a few weeks, though, fascination was turning to irritation. The constant texting was getting old. Why wasn’t he asking you out?

Maybe because he’s just fishing.

As a means of communication, texting was made for men. They can get to the point without wasting time on small talk. They don’t have to reply unless they feel like it. They can communicate with lots of people with very little time investment.

Even better, text messages serve as bait. No need to meet in person when he can send the same witty one-liner to every girl in his phonebook.

He can wait to see who bites before sending a follow-up. Texts are an efficient, effective way to connect without risking rejection.

Which is why you should be wary of the guy who’d rather text you than see you:

He may be more interested in the pursuit than dealing with a flesh-and-blood female.

Technology has been a blessing and a curse to dating. You’re no longer limited to bumping into someone at the grocery store or wasting an evening at the local dive. You can theoretically meet men across the world and strike up a relationship solely through the use of technology.

But it comes at a cost.

Technology is addictive in a way that hanging out with someone isn’t. Internet use triggers the release of dopamine in the brain, the same chemical behind more well-known addictions like alcohol or drug addiction. Dopamine spurs “seeking behavior.” Addicts are convinced that everything they could ever want is online, if they just browse long enough.

Meet in person, however, and a different neurochemical profile dominates.

As you fall for each other over a candlelit meal, you enjoy the happy feelings brought on by dopamine in conjunction with oxytocin and serotonin. As you hold hands or hug goodbye, a burst of oxytocin gives you a feeling of connection and contentment. A bond exists between you now. You’re more than just a name on his phone.

So, what about that man who keeps texting you or messaging you, without asking to meet?

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5 Questions that Create Connection

5 Questions that Create ConnectionHow much do you really know about the guy sitting across the table from you?

Maybe this is your first date, and all you really know is that you like his smile and the way his dark hair curls above his neck.

Or maybe this is your zillionth dinner date, although “date” isn’t the right word when you’ve been together for years.

If you’re on your first date, you’ve got an advantage:

You know that the man across from you is a mystery.

What you don’t know makes you a better conversationalist. You ask questions, listen carefully, and respond with warmth and enthusiasm.

Once you’ve been together for a while, though, there’s nothing left to ask him. You already know everything there is to know about him. You know his personal habits, his opinions on every major sports team, and what he thinks of his family. What more is there to know?

Quite a lot, it turns out.

Not only does the quality of conversation determine whether or not a first date turns into a second date, the quality of conversation also determines your long-term health as a couple.

Quality conversations can be hard to fit into everyday life. The longer you’re together, the more your conversations as a couple center on practical matters, like what to watch on TV or who’s going to pick up the kids from sports practice.

You don’t stay up late to talk about life anymore. You’d rather get your beauty sleep.

Taken to the extreme, you could end up like one of the couples in a 2010 British study. It  found that couples who’d been married 50 years or more spoke to each other for only 3 minutes, on average, during a 60-minute dinner—and those 3 minutes were mostly practical communication like, “Could you pass me the ketchup?[1]

On one hand, it feels great when your partner knows you so well that you don’t have to say what’s on your mind; he can read you like a book.

On the other hand, it’s incredibly flattering to be with someone who hangs on your every word and wants to know everything about you.

You can miss that feeling once you’re in a long-term relationship.

You’re evolving and growing as a person, but to him you’re still the same person you were back when you first got together. He doesn’t notice how you’ve changed. He looks at you, but he doesn’t see you anymore. He listens to you, but he doesn’t hear you.

So how do you get back that first-date feeling of mystery and discovery?

You start asking questions.

The key to quality conversations, whether you’re on your first date or your zillionth date, is asking great questions.

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Want A Fairytale Relationship? Then Borrow This Simple Idea

Want A Fairytale Relationship? Then Borrow This Simple IdeaCinderella goes to her mother’s bedside…

“Ella, my darling. I want to tell you a secret, a great secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.

You must always remember this: Have courage and be kind.

You have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body. And it has power, more than you know. And magic.”

~ Disney’s Cinderella (2015)

When you think about your dream relationship, is it something you hope for or something you think the universe owes you?

Any time I hear the word “fairytale,” I immediately think of Disney animated movies. They’re the fairytales of our time.

I wonder how Disney princesses would answer the above question. Most likely, they’d say they hoped for love, but didn’t feel like it was guaranteed in any way.

Cinderella cooked and cleaned for her step mother and step sisters, never really expecting prince charming. Snow White seemed content to live with the dwarves, even though she was a princess. Ariel traded away her voice for a shot at love. Belle was happy with her books. Even Elsa retreated to her ice castle, resigned to a life of complete isolation.

Not one of them seemed to feel like life owed them a happy ending.

And yet, a recent study indicates that more and more of us (here in the real world) feel a deep-seated sense of entitlement.[i]

Oh, wait. It gets worse.

That same study led researchers to conclude that those of us who feel entitled are nearly guaranteed to be disappointed.

Life rarely works out the way you expect it to. Disappointment leads to anger and other negative emotions. To cope with disappointment, people tell themselves they’re special.  But that just renews a sense of entitlement.

What a vicious circle!

When it comes to dating, this one thing can completely destroy legitimate opportunities to be happy. Entitlement holds us back. It feeds on itself.

Even worse, entitlement leads, not to happily ever after, but to chronic disappointment.

If you’re ready to break that circle, you have to divorce yourself from a sense of romantic entitlement. Here’s how you do it.

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