How Do You Know if You’re Compatible with Someone?

How Do You Know if You’re Compatible with Someone?

When I ran into my friend Kalia the other day, I was amazed at how relaxed and happy she looked.

Her hair was styled in the same light brown bob as always, and she was casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, but she looked like she’d stepped straight off the plane from some tropical island vacation.

As we chatted, I found out why. She’d met someone. They’d been together three months, and everything was going swimmingly.

“When can I meet him?” I asked.

She hesitated. Her mood changed before my eyes. Then she grabbed my arm and said, “James, we have to talk. Do you have time?”

Over the next half hour, I found out what was troubling her. She didn’t know if she had a long-term future with this guy.

Even though she’d never been in a relationship this good, and even though their chemistry and connection were undeniable, they weren’t anything alike. He liked mud truck racing; she liked the theater. He liked country music; she liked pop.

“We just aren’t compatible, James,” she said with a sigh. “I feel like I’m leading him on. I love being with him, but I can’t see a future for us.”

Kalia was surprised to learn that I hear this kind of thing all the time. (I even wrote a mini-report about it…which is free to those of you in my Irresistible Insiders program.)

A LOT of women fall in love with men who aren’t exactly what they expected.

So how important is compatibility?

Even more important, what does it even mean to be compatible with someone? Does it mean you like the same hobbies, same foods, same music?

I’m excited to share the latest research with you, especially as it seems to contradict much of what we’ve been taught. Hopefully it will reassure you as much as it did Kalia!

Surprising Compatibility Fact #1.
Happy couples aren’t necessarily similar.

One of the most surprising research findings is that happy couples don’t always have as much in common as you’d think. They often have different interests and spend time apart doing their own thing.

A longitudinal study of long-term married couples found that happy couples recognize that the quality of their relationship comes down to the work they put in, not how much they’re alike.

Unhappy couples, on the other hand, blame incompatibility for their relationship dissatisfaction. They put a high premium on similarity, as if being more alike could fix their troubles.

Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas put these couples to the test. Were the happy couples blessed with compatibility? Were the unhappy couples too dissimilar to be happy? Here’s his conclusion:

“My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy.”[1]

So it’s not how alike you are that matters. It’s how you treat one another.

Surprising Compatibility Fact #2.
Having similar tastes doesn’t necessarily make you compatible.

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Crazy Hacks to Boost Your Online Dating Success

Crazy Hacks to Boost Your Online Dating Success

You’re picking an online dating profile picture. Which picture do you choose?

  1. The one of you dressed up and smiling at the camera.
  2. The one of you pouting at the camera in a cleavage-baring top.
  3. The one of you biting into an enormous grilled cheese sandwich.

Hold that thought. Let me ask you another question.

You’ve finally got up the courage to start making the first move online. What should your first message to a guy be?

  1. A customized message based on something he said in his profile.
  2. “Hey.”
  3. A short blurb that you copy and paste every time.

If you know your dating advice, I’ll bet you picked (a) for both answers.

It’s common sense. Of course you want a profile picture where you look attractive—but not too sexy, and definitely not too weird. Of course you should write a unique message to each guy, so he knows you’ve read his profile.

But according to Christian Rudder, co-founder of OkCupid, those strategies aren’t actually the best of all your possible options. (Care to guess again?)

Rudder was the author of the enormously popular OkTrends blog, which captivated the internet from 2010 to 2011. He turned vast amounts of data collected by the online dating site into graphs and charts that shed light on why we behave the way we do online.

What he discovered sometimes supported our stereotypes and sometimes upended them.

For example, he found that men, no matter their age, like the look of women in their early twenties the best. Women’s tastes change over time. They prefer men who are about the same age they are.

On the flip side, most men are smart enough to avoid messaging much-younger women. They may admire youth, but that doesn’t mean they end up in relationships with a large age gap.

Rudder also found—as you’d guess—that exceptionally beautiful women get an exponentially higher number of messages than anyone else.

But here’s where things get REALLY interesting…

Rudder discovered that women who inspire both love AND loathing get a lot more messages than generically attractive women.

When it comes to getting approached by men online, you’ll have more success if you appeal to a niche group of men who absolutely love the way you come across in your profile photo…

Even if an equally high number of men find your profile picture utterly appalling.

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How Dating Has Changed in the 21st Century

How Dating Has Changed in the 21st Century

Every year for the past eight years, online dating giant has surveyed singles across America.

They wanted to know what makes a great first date, whether hookups ever lead to a committed relationship, and whether old-fashioned gender expectations still hold true.

And what they found will reassure you.

Singles are just as commitment-minded as ever. Most (69%) are looking for something serious. But they’re much more open-minded about how they get to a great relationship.

Here are 5 fascinating findings.

Takeaway #1. Dating is just one way of getting to know someone.

Twenty years ago, America was in an uproar over the spread of hookup culture. College students were forgetting how to date. Pundits warned that the spread of casual intimacy would lead to a drop in marriage rates.

Now, I’m not an advocate of intimacy without commitment, but here’s something interesting. It seems hookups often led to something more. Half of college relationships began with a hookup.

Today, 45% of singles have had a “friend with benefits” who ended up becoming a committed partner. Culture may have become more casual about physical intimacy, but the underlying desire for something more serious is still there.

You don’t have to hook up or go out on a date to start building a relationship, either.

“Hanging out” puts friendship first. You discover if you enjoy one another’s company without the pressure of romance. Just under a third of singles have found that hanging out has led to a relationship.

Takeaway #2. Men have lower standards for first date etiquette.

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Why Older Guys are Messaging You Online (And How to Meet More Guys Your Own Age!)

Why Older Guys are Messaging You Online

Denise had a problem.

She’d been doing fairly well on She hadn’t met anyone she really liked yet, but she’d gone out on a few decent dates. Mostly with guys in their 40s, which she didn’t mind, as she was about to turn 40 herself.

The day after her birthday, she logged into to check her messages. A 55-year-old guy had messaged her. And one who looked his age to boot.

He wasn’t the first. She started getting messages from guys in their 50s and sometimes even guys in their 60s. She only heard from a guy her own age if she messaged him first.


You know what happened. It was the algorithm.

When you set up your profile in an online dating site, you tell the site what kind of match you’re looking for. Straightaway, you’re asked what age range would be acceptable to you.

After turning 40, Denise was in a whole different bracket. She was no longer showing up as a match for men who wanted to date women in their 20s and 30s.

Christian Rudder is the co-founder of OkCupid and author of the book Dataclysm. After processing huge amounts of data from the online dating site, he found that age bias is real. Men, no matter their age, prefer women in their early twenties. Women, on the other hand, prefer men their own age.

Rudder explains: “A man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger women. Meanwhile his upper acceptable limit hovers only a token amount above his own age.”[1]

That’s the bad news. But there’s good news:

Offline, that distinction almost disappears.

Sixty percent of married couples are either the same age or within a few years of each other’s age.[2]

Only a small minority of men are much, much older than their wives.

So, while online dating algorithms encourage age bias, in the REAL world couples are falling in love with their peers.

Men may like the look of twenty-year-olds, but they’re mostly marrying women their own age or just a few years younger.

That piece of news helped Denise feel better, but it didn’t change the fact that was now pairing her up with fifty-year-olds. She wanted to date a guy her own age.

Here’s what I recommended to her:

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