Deepen Communication With This Method

how to deepen communicationSome of the most interesting things people have learned about communication have come from the field of couples therapy.

There is one intimacy-deepening communication method that has spread from counseling rooms to business board rooms and even to government training programs.

The reason? It works! I’d like to share a few of the core components of this method with you.

The communication concept has taken on different names, but I call it, “shared-moment communication.”

That term comes from the core component that makes it so powerful. When done correctly, shared-moment communication causes two people to feel in-tune with each other.

Communication is often used to manipulate people. We manipulate others to see things from our perspective. We manipulate others even when we give a compliment in hopes of receiving a positive response.

I once heard a psychology professor claim that all communication is manipulation in one form or another. I don’t agree with that, because I’ve discovered shared-moment communication.

With shared-moment communication, you can actually draw the other person into a deeper level of intimacy, even if they are not actively practicing shared-moment communication themselves.

How does it work?

Well, first I should mention that it is something you practice and get better at over time. Fortunately, the practice yields better communication even when you have not perfected the technique.

If it was not for that fact, I would not attempt to compress such an important concept into an email.

Are you ready to learn the technique? Okay then, here we go, but first let me warn you that the simplicity of the methods can be deceiving.

There is a synergistic effect when the three factors below are combined. None of these factors seem all that amazing by themselves, but together they yield an amazing result.

1.Release all intentions. Open your mind to experience whatever thoughts naturally arise in your mind in response to the words of the other person you are communicating with.

2.Become fully interested in the present moment as it unfolds. Release any thoughts about the past or the future so you can bring your mind back to rest on the unfolding experience of communicating right now.

3.Speak whatever thoughts come up naturally. Converse as if there was no point to the conversation other than the joy of conversation itself.

I want to emphasize that this method requires that you fully appreciate and enjoy the conversation as an experience of shared oneness with another human being.

how to deepen communicationIt’s the relaxation and the joy that emanates from this non-manipulative form of communication that automatically draws the other person to the same wavelength, the same positive experience.

This method has profound effects. It lowers stress, lowers defensiveness, and increases feelings of intimacy. The method draws much of its strength from the experience it generates. The experience is one of shared appreciation of the present moment.

Cultivating the qualities that come with present moment awareness can lead to amazing advantages in attracting an ideal partner. I can teach you how to cultivate those qualities in yourself through my self-study program, “What Men Secretly Want.”

If you’d like to obtain a copy of those materials, start here with What Men Secretly Want. That program captures the best of my insights about attracting men.

Try using the three step method I shared with you above. The first step is to memorize the three parts. The next action step is to practice it with all kinds of people. Talk to you soon!


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24 thoughts on “Deepen Communication With This Method

  1. Charly said:

    …more and more each day , I come to believe that enduring love needs to be anchored not simply in “attraction “(physical., mental,social etc) or various shared interests but in faith .., true faith which gives us.the ability to trust completely ..and share an intimacy which exalts us ….

  2. Anna said:

    I have no idea if you’re a religious man or not, but i often thank God for sending me your help! I was so lost as to the differences between men and women, and you are an answer to my prayers! I had no idea what respect meant to a man, and i didnt even really understand the meaning of the word RESPECT, until i got your What Men Secretly Want. I love it. And if i get confused about my husband, i always reread your wonderfully helpful books! My marriage almost ended, and you helped turn it into a beautiful thing. I’m so grateful to you James. Thank you Thank you Thank You! It has been about a year now that i got your books and though my husband and i always fought before, we’ve had a very peaceful year 🙂 i have not found any work out there that is soooo good as yours. You give women advice without accusing us. It means alot. My family and friends are all astounded at how loving and sweet my husband has become towards me! And i aint complaining! No no! Lol

  3. Carma Spence said:

    Hmmm. I think this is how I usually communicate within a fun, friendly conversation … and especially with someone I’m dating. So, I couldn’t help but wonder, isn’t everyone doing this? Guess not. How sad. It is much more enjoyable this way.

  4. Carol said:

    Hi James,
    I have a problem with communication with men. I was in a relationship for a long time. I trusted this man but he failed to commit and take our relationship to another more meaningful level. so i quit and he was much pleased to immediately start a relationship with another woman whom he has also failed to take seriously! It has been two years since we separated and I have dated two men. the reason why I have separated with these men is because I cant trust them. I critically analyze every word they say and I feel they don’t understand me, they are lying to me and that they also want to use me. after three months or so I find myself losing interest and the rest becomes history and I find myself moving on with no regret! James, what can i do for heaven’s sake I want to settle down yet i fear to make a mistake! to make matters worse i still feel something for my EX and he also confessed that he still does! I realized I was more comfortable with him than any other. should I pursue him or how do I improve my communication with my next Date?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Carol. I’m sorry for the frustration you have faced. When talking about communication it sometimes helps to get more specific. What is it that you feel you need to communicate better with your romantic partners? What is it you feel like they need to communicate better?

      See if you can get to the bottom of that question. It may reveal the real issue, because something tells me it’s not communication. Perhaps it is a matter of being uncertain what you really want (and difficulty communicating that to a romantic partner is more of a secondary problem resulting from the first).

      • Leslie Hollberg said:

        Help I’m trying to find a man that is interested in a real relationship that just doesn’t revolve around sex. I have been out with several guys but I‎t seems they only want one thing and they loose interest almost immediately if I don’t give in. They seem to think I owe them some nooky just because they pay for my meal??

      • James Bauer said:

        Hey Leslie. This is a BIG problem these days. It may help to find people in social circles where that is not common practice. For example, do you have friends who hold more traditional values about sex? If so, get them to set you up on dates with their friends (who are more likely to share similar values). I know it’s difficult, but don’t give up!

  5. Julia said:

    James, I have been separated for 11 weeks, he left me for “ALL” the exact reasons of what you say women are guilty of doing, since taking your course, and a few others that you have recommended. I now see, the proverbial light, in many ways. The BIGGEST one, is he is Not “the One”. I put WAY too much into him, and though, while we were together 4 out of 5 years was Great. His insecurities, Napoleon Syndrome, PTSD, and Depression issues, were more than, I was able to deal with. He Flat out, refused counseling. Saying “I got this”, he moved into “Way more expensive apartment, than his means. I will be getting, “What Men Secretly Want”. For my Future endeavors, not for my Past mistake. Thank you for all your inspiring, and Enlightning Knowledge. Julia

  6. Nina said:

    The way two people communicate makes a world of difference. Practice. It’s well worth it.

  7. sofia said:

    Thank u James much appreciate! 🙂

  8. Sofia said:

    How can I make a man that I have been having casual dates during 2 years start taking me more seriously it seems that I m not the only one but he loves having me around I think I did to much for him and I have been too easy for him,he tooke me for granted but he feels a lot of attraction to me but doesn t want any commitment we brooke up all the time and comeback but he never changes.
    Now I tried to don t have a sexual encounter with him so is calling me again but when I tried to make him get together for lunch or something more serious he doesn t answer,he avoid any kind of serious conversation not answering me.
    I do the same job as he does and I have been very gelous respect other women working with him and now he doesn t want even to hire me or even to mention it when I asked for it to him several times.
    I don t know what to do James……..Thank you for listening.


    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sofia. In this case I suggest you channel your mental energy, time, and attention toward improving your life and meeting/dating other people. If he has any intention of pursuing a genuine relationship with you this will trigger his desire to pursue you again/more seriously. If he does, that will be a “starting over” point to set some terms for the conditions under which you would be willing to have a relationship with him (in other words, explain the exclusivity you want and the fact that he is welcome to see other women, just not if he wants a relationship with you).

  9. But, I’m so supershy. I can’t get myself to look at a man straight in the eye without getting conscious or turning beet red especially if he’s my type. I just content myself with a wish that he looked my way. is this a hopeless situation?

    • James Bauer said:

      Social anxiety definitely makes this a difficult method to use. My understanding of that sort of anxiety is that it improves slowly and with time when you make yourself do the things that provoke your anxiety…while trying to accept it rather than prevent it (i.e. don’t try to stop blushing…just let it happen and give up on trying to control it). That disengages the anxiety about it happening, and allows your brain to “habituate” to the sustained eye contact. It’s a long slow journey, but worth your while.

  10. Very useful for me and it is a gratifying news as I like a lot this kind of communication.
    Thank you!:)

  11. Hi, The way I interpered this is to actively listen to another person, without judgement. Without abondoning your own veiws but respectively being open to other ways of thinking, and just enjoying an interaction with someone you care about. Just being in that moment. Let go of any ego.

    • James Bauer said:

      Nice. That captures a lot.

  12. mary said:

    I don’t have much experience in dating, I was married for 17 years got divorced and started a relationship with this man. We’ve been dating for 8 months now, sometimes I feel he’s a manipulator. How to recognize or what are the signs of a manipulating man. I also notice he loves his privacy, he has two locks on his phone. Does it mean his hiding something or just because that’s the way he is.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mary. What direction does he tend to manipulate you toward? Is it toward benefits for him at the expense of your happiness, or is it more like hiding from conversations that make him feel vulnerable and insecure? There are hundreds of different reasons people manipulate (good and bad). What is your sense of his underlying motivation for the manipulation you sense?

  13. Vicky said:

    I’m not sure I understand “release all intentions”. If someone starts a conversation with an intention of an outcome, I can’t simply shift the style into a conversation for pure enjoyment. It would surely annoy the other person if they feel not taken seriously.

    • James Bauer said:

      Yeah, that’s true. The concept of “releasing all intentions” is rather abstract, and I did not do it justice in this article. It is a concept that has more to do with our emotional attachments (and also the opposite…letting go and allowing life to unfold as it does). It doesn’t have to do with letting go of a logical sequence in a discussion with a person who has a clear agenda. Sorry for the confusion on that.

      • Lingua Lab said:

        I think it helps to understand the concept of ‘ releasing all intentions’ if you imagine that you do not have any expected result in your mind and , also, that you do not have labelled any potential outcome as desirable or undesirable; just take your communication process as learning, not manipulating, fixing, or negotiating…


  14. simona said:

    Actually with and between my men there are apsolute no communication. I need help form you James, on how to get him back to see, think and feel that Im the only one for him, I really want to take a change in this man’s life and I know I can do it…….

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