But you don’t have.
Like the perfect relationship. Or the perfect career. Or the perfect home.
When clients come to me for help with getting what they want, I watch the pattern of their thoughts. Because everyone has problems. But it’s our thinking that determines our ability to rise above them.
What I tell my clients is that changing the way you think about your problems will help you achieve your dreams faster than fixing your problems.
It all comes down to mindset.
Change your mindset, and your entire life shifts automatically. No hard work required.
So, what’s the most effective way to think about what’s standing between you and your goals?
Let me show you the two most common thinking traps. Then I’ll share the secret to an effortless mindset for relationship success.
“Something is wrong with the world.”
Why don’t you have what you want?
You know why. The world is stupid. It’s not set up to make anything easy. Dating is a waste of time, men are jerks, and culture is centered around superficial standards of beauty that no woman could possibly measure up to.
There are obstacles everywhere you look. Statistically, the chances of you finding lasting love are so slim you might as well not bother. Everyone else has it so much easier. You’ve had to fight hard for every single thing you’ve achieved.
When you’re living within this mindset, life is such a struggle. It’s exhausting. Fix one problem, and twenty more pop up.
Luckily, there’s a better way.
“Something is wrong with me.”
It’s easier to blame the world for your situation than to blame yourself. But taking personal responsibility for your life represents a huge leap forward.
With this mindset, you realize that life doesn’t just happen to you. You have some role in creating your experiences. If you want your life to change, you can’t wait for the world to change. You have to change yourself.
That puts a heavy burden on your shoulders. It’s all up to you.
The trap with this mindset is the stress it generates. You see all the things that could be better in your life, and you blame yourself. You know you’re not perfect. You can see your personal faults so clearly.
You can end up trapped in an endless cycle of self-improvement. You keep trying to fix yourself, in the hope of attracting the life you deserve, but you’re always falling short.
That’s why I like to move the discussion up another notch, to the third mindset.
“Something is wrong with my thinking.”
The problem isn’t you. The problem isn’t the world, either.
It’s how you’re thinking about things.
With this mindset, you realize that your internal experience is a reflection of your inner thoughts more than anything else.
This mindset lets you strive for goals without becoming overly attached to how or when you achieve those goals. You stop trying to control life. And instead you begin to trust that a deeper wisdom will guide you toward your goal. This allows you to pursue your goals without stress or strain.
You see, most of the time our best laid plans never unfold. And that’s because life is unpredictable. There are so many twists and turns that it’s impossible to map out the actual route that’s going to help you reach your goals.
Because of this, it’s best to set goals, but then release most of the responsibility for achieving them. Do everything in your power to pursue those goals, but with a mindset that acknowledges the reality that you are not really in control.
Persistence toward a goal is good. It stacks the odds in your favor. As a result, desire is enough. You don’t need the stress of controlling each step of the way. Because you know it’s not going to turn out that way anyway.
Success is so much easier from this mindset. You don’t have to fix everything that’s wrong. You just have to wait patiently until you hit upon the right perspective.
I liken it to trying to escape from the Grand Canyon in the middle of the night, barely missing drop-offs that could kill you at any turn. It’s easier to just lay down and meditate until day break reveals the straightest path home.
To master this mindset, stop the instant you start to struggle. Ask yourself:
“What am I not seeing yet? How can I move toward this goal without creating any stress or strain in the process?”
Have faith that there is an easy solution, even though you don’t see it yet. Business coach Marie Forleo has a great mantra: “Everything is figureoutable.”
And life coach, Michael Neill says we do best when we strive toward goals without becoming overly attached to how we will actually achieve them.
Be patient, think outside the box, get other people’s opinions, and probe your own blind spots. Catch yourself when you find yourself falling into the same old habits of thinking.
If you’ve thought the same thought a thousand times before, it’s not going to help. What you want is a new idea, one you’ve never considered before.
Try applying this technique today. Is there an area in your life where you feel stuck? Like how to meet more men, or better quality men?
Then ask yourself, “What am I not seeing? How could I trust the process and let go of control over the exact mechanisms that will bring me closer to my goal?”
Try relaxing into your goals. You might be surprised at the way life still move you forward even without all the stress and strain.