Four Text Messages to Avoid

Four Text Messages to AvoidText messages are great. They allow for quick communication practically anywhere. When you’re dating someone, they have the very real potential to help your relationship grow.

But they can also hinder it.

A lot of people rely on text messages to get something more than information. What do they want? Attention and affirmation. They want to know there’s still a warm connection.

Granted, it’s nice to be on the receiving end of those kinds of messages sometimes. The problem occurs when you get those kinds of messages all of the time.

My advice is simple. Don’t use text messages as an easy way of asking for attention over and over again. Instead, send him messages that have value.

Unfortunately, many of us are in the habit of sending valueless text messages. I’ll give you a few examples. I’m not saying you should never send these kinds of messages. Just make sure you don’t overuse them.

1.”I miss you.”

This can easily come across as an attempt to get him to reply with, “I miss you, too.” Frequent messages that sound like you’re fishing for a specific response can make a guy feel trapped. Don’t send this one too often.

2.”Hey” or “What’s up?”

The problem with these messages is that there’s just no substance to them. Best case scenario, you’re saying he’s on your mind, but there’s nothing personal about it. At worst, they’re thinly veiled requests for attention and nothing more.

3.”Have a great day!”

There’s nothing wrong with wishing him a good day, but it’s much better to be specific. Instead, say something like, “I’d love to hear how your presentation goes!”

4.”Blah…When will this day end? I’m bored.”

The hope here is that he’ll entertain you. That’s fine if he’s stuck in the waiting room at the dentist’s office, but not if he’s busy with work or friends. Think about where he is and who he’s with before hitting send.

All of your communication should enrich his life in some way, including text messages. (Ok, maybe that’s a bit perfectionistic, but just aim for it as an ideal).

Text Messages to AvoidInstead of relying too much on messages like the ones above, make your messages meaningful. You might share a funny story to make him chuckle. Or tell him something interesting or intellectually stimulating. Or deal with something practical, like an invitation to an event you think he’ll enjoy. You can even use a text message to give him the opportunity to vent when you know he’s having a rough day.

The temptation is to focus on the very natural desire to hold his attention. That’s totally okay and totally normal.

But I want to encourage you to win his attention by sharing something meaningful with him. That will build your relationship in positive ways and ensure that his face lights up each and every time he gets a new message from you.

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20 thoughts on “Four Text Messages to Avoid

  1. Kayellen Kirby-Guidry said:

    I have to tell you. JAMES….
    Every time I see I have an email from you…
    I open it up INSTANTLY…
    Please forgive me but I go straight to the bottom and read you first…
    On days when the whole email is you…
    All I can say is THANK you so much for ypur Great advice…
    I’ve learned SO MUCH…
    I totally look so forward to your next email..

    • James Bauer said:

      Thank you, Kay. That means a lot to me. (And sorry about the sometimes annoying advertisements).

  2. Sarah said:

    It’s facinating stuff, my previous relationship was turmoiled and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just leave and kept,coming back, from what I’ve read here it turns out some of the stuff I did was actually deepening his attraction for me while I was trying to get him to go, crazy world huh šŸ˜‘

  3. KATHY said:

    We text. It works fine, lovely at times, until it doesn’t. Unless I back off answering, I hear all about him, his joys, busy things he is doing and it starts to get very one sided. I feel invisible then. We talk here on this blog about what we as women need to do differently to please our men.–be irresistable. What about when he gets so much love and attention from us in these ways and his unconscious selfishness creeps in? What does a generous, giving woman say to create awareness on his part to ask about me or respond to my texted life event that doesnt require me backing away until he notices and says, “Hi; Everything OK?” I dont want to start a fight or point fingers. I’d like to know what to say to raise his awareness when this imbalance starts happening…again.

  4. Erin A said:

    I like to send a random text now and then that might go something like this – “Show me yours and I’ll…. yea, that ;)” and I just let him use his imagination. lol Would that be considered “life enriching”? lol

  5. Maria K. said:

    I dont do messages like these. But my man does :D. So what to do with that? This is really annoying for me, I literally sense how he’s craving attention and not in a good way. I do give him attention, of course :).

  6. W. Theige said:

    Hello James, Hearing your advice makes me wish I could go back about 64 years and do life over. Meanwhile my friend doesn’t do texting or emails and is in mourning still. I had a taste of a good relationship recently, but now we no longer see each other. I was married over quite a lot over fifty years, and have no family near me. So, enjoy learning so I can help those younger if given the chance. And, wish I could resume the friendship.

  7. CrissyB said:

    I’m sorry James. What I meant to say in my last comment about “giving more examples” was that I would love more examples of what kinds of texts to avoid And more importantly the kind that don’t feel like fishing, the good kind that would leave a good feeling in the end.

  8. CrissyB said:

    This is valuable info. I wish you would give a few more examples and a few more “text traps” to avoid.
    I’ve been having some issues with needing attention from my very busy husband. I stay at home with out children while he works and works and works. Sometimes late into the evenings. He loves his job and I’m happy for him. But at the same time it’s inevitable to not begin to feel lonely. We rely a lot on text communications. I’ve recently slipped into the mindframe of what you mentioned here. Trying to get attention via text… it has only caused several problems, of course.
    I would like to send less texts but then again, I have so much to communicate and he simply doesn’t have the time or availability to talk. So we’ve tried those apps for video texts you can check and leave a message whenever but we generally end up going back to the simple text. It’s not allowing enough information back and forth takes a lot of crucial time from both of our schedules and leaves a lack-luster type of feeling for me and I’m sure him as well.
    I need to figure out how to get what we all need and still be able to make myself and him feel good at the end of the day.

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      It seems to me that you need to actually MAKE time for your relationship. Work-aholics usually have some sort of deep-seated mental-health problem that makes them push themselves more and more to achieve and prove themselves. Usually something going back to their childhood. I have seen it so many times. They usually become millionaires, at the expense of their family life and relationships. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud now, if you are a young family. It is a form of mental cruelty on his part. Yes, work is important to a man, and it is wonderful that he enjoys it, but you MUST set some boundaries for this marriage. Make sure that, at least, you spend some quality time together at the week-end, even if the evenings are taken up with his work. Do not sit at home weeping and wailing and feeling lonely, sorry for yourself. YOU also need to get a life of your own. Get out more. Get a baby-sitter, join clubs, go out with friends. If he is working so hard, money should not be an issue here. If necessary, get a little part-time job – or, better still, get a really wonderful, well-paid full-time job and make him see that you are an independent woman, who will not put up with this Dickensian nonsense any longer. If you are feeling like this now, it will only get worse with time. If really necessary, maybe you should get some counselling – either alone for yourself or, preferably, together to sort this problem out. Being the stay-at-home wife and mother and feeling more and more aggrieved is not the answer. And texting is not, either. TALK TO HIM – as James would say. Do not become the weak-willed, subservient, timid stay-at-home wife, completely at his mercy any longer. Stand up for yourself. Best wishes. Lorna

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        PS – my last response was for ChrissyB

  9. Diane said:

    James, I appreciate the free report, however, I am not in a relationship and need help in other areas. Perhaps you could open up the offering and allow us to choose a report of our liking/interest. This would also provide you with information of the issues your readers are interested in and probably experiencing. A win-win for all of us!

    • Coryn said:

      I can see why you are not in a relationship.

  10. Jodi said:

    I’m learning a lot about what not to do or stop doing what I have been doing I love your advice thank you so much

  11. Michelle said:

    Thanks for your blogs. I learn so much. Being in a new relationship after 25 year of marriage, i am now discovering all things that i did wrong and more importantly, WHY.
    Your advice is clear, kind and practical.
    Thank you.

  12. amarjo escuadra said:

    James you always make my day! As if i have to learn more and thank you for the insights!

  13. Katie Roemer said:

    Thank you for all of your wonderful tips ! I enjoy your input and look forward to great advice in the future. I love that your thoughts are broad for all situations, I find my trouble is blooming the flame of my ex husband. Maybe you have a tid bit for that .Thank You ! KR

  14. Adria said:

    Heaps of thanks for the insights … valuable information.

  15. Sue said:

    Wonderful. practical tips that are so easy to remember and thanks for putting them out there!

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