Get into His Heart by Learning Exactly How He Wants to Be Loved

how to love your man“Love” means something different to everyone.

Discovering how your guy wants to be loved can help you connect. It’s like finding the key to his heart. You can tap into a deeper part of who he is.

Shower him with “his” type of love, and he’ll be hooked. I’m going to show you three ways to figure out the type of love your guy responds to best.

But first let’s quickly review the concept of “love languages.” It’s the idea that there are five basic ways to express your love.

Kind words. Physical affection. Acts of service. Gifts. Quality time.

Each of us has a preference for one of these “languages.”

If kind words really matter, you’ll feel closer to someone who thanks you. Who tells you they appreciate you. Who flatters you.

People who respond to acts of service might melt if you wash their car for them. Or bring them chicken noodle soup when they’re sick.

If physical affection is your thing, hugs can make you feel more connected. Or holding hands. Or a back rub.

Things show gift-lovers that you care. Birthday presents. Cards. Flowers. Takeout from their favorite restaurant.

Finally, those moved by quality time just want you around them. And can feel slighted when you don’t make time.

Basically, when someone “speaks our love language,” we feel loved. When they don’t, we’re left cold.

But here’s the problem with love languages. We tend to express love in the way we want it expressed to us.

That’s fine if you and the guy you like speak the same love language. Not so great if you don’t.

Let’s look at an example:

GWEN: I really wanted to thank you for coming over to jump my car yesterday.

BARRY: Sure thing. It was no big deal.

GWEN: But it was. You went out of your way for me. That means a lot.

BARRY: Well, I’m glad I could help.

GWEN: Most people wouldn’t have. You’re a really great guy, Barry.

BARRY: (joking) Stop, you’re embarrassing me.

GWEN: I mean it. I feel really lucky to have a friend like you.

BARRY: Okay, fine, I’ll let you buy me lunch today.

GWEN: Oh. Actually, I can’t today. Raincheck?

BARRY: (trying not to look disappointed) Sure, sure.

GWEN: You really are my hero though.

BARRY: Uh-huh. I should probably go.

GWEN: Oh, okay…

Gwen tries to show Barry his help mattered. By telling him. She’s effusive. Her words are incredibly nice. Glowing even.

It’s likely compliments like these would move her, but he mostly shrugs them off. For Barry, words clearly just don’t do it.

Based on his lunch request, Barry’s “language” is likely either gifts or quality time. But Gwen doesn’t see the importance of those things. So it’s a missed connection.

Speaking different love languages doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker though. You just have to learn his language. And then train yourself to express love in the way he needs.

There are three simple tricks you can use to discover his love language.

Listen to his complaints.

The things that bother us tend to reflect the love language we speak.

He’s frustrated his boss didn’t compliment his latest report? Kind words. His sister went to Hawaii and didn’t buy him anything? Gifts.

Watch how he treats others.

Is he always doing what he can to make life easier for others? Acts of service probably matter a lot to him. Is he a hugger? He probably craves physical affection.

If you think he likes you, or you’re already in a relationship with him, pay special attention to how he treats you.

What does he ask for?

Does he hint at wanting gifts? Is he always trying to organize game nights to hang out with people? The things we ask for tend to reflect the type of love that matters to us.

And I’m going to leave you with one “bonus” trick for discovering his love language: ask him.

how to love your manYes, it can be that simple. Particularly if you’re already in a relationship. You can even flat-out mention love languages. Maybe he’ll recognize which one best matches his needs.

Or you can offer him options. What would make him happier: a thoughtful gift, or just vegging out together? Hearing what you admire about him, or having someone do a favor for him?

Don’t be afraid to let him know which “love language” you speak, either. Once you both speak each other’s love language, your connection can’t help but grow and deepen.

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8 thoughts on “Get into His Heart by Learning Exactly How He Wants to Be Loved

  1. Shattered Heart said:

    I really don’t think my ex wife understands how​ much I love her and her imperfections, for the longest time we where inseparable and did everything together, she was my soulmate. I hope one day I can tell her that only she has a key to my shattered heart

  2. Pheeluvr said:

    Thank you for stating clearly the not-so-obvious to most of us. I am sorry to say that this, among some other reasons, is why my marriage “failed.” (I put that in quotes because we made it 30 years which based on what i have seen since should be considered a success!) We had numerous life and death crises the last 10 years of our marriage….the pressure was intense. We sacrificed our relationship in the midst of of it all. If we had been aware of this though, along with a few other skills for hanging in there in when the going gets beyond rough, we probably would have made it. We just didn’t know. And hindsight is great isn’t it? lol Just glad I know it now. Thank you!

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Pheeluvr, That is so sad – the same way I feel, really, about my “failed” marriage, which lasted 41 years by the time we actually divorced.. Although we were not really ever very compatible, we rubbed along together OK, and I really miss his practicality. There was never very much love and affection which is my “love language”, but was never his, as well as “Quality Time” – he was more “Acts of Service” and “Gift Giving”. Is it not too late for you to get back together now with your ex.? Lorna

  3. Anna said:

    Married almost 18 years! Yikes! Cant believe i forgot that!!

  4. Anna said:

    This article is EXACTLY what i needed! Thank you James! I had my husband read it last night, and we were pondering over it for about an hour before we figured out what eachothers MAIN need was. I think we all have every one of them to a certain degree, but one main one that we absolutely need to feel loved. It was funny though, we told eachother right away what the eachothers main love language is, and we both DENIED our main love languages! So we went over many examples of what makes us feel special or loved, and it turned out that what we guessed about eachother was TOTALLY RIGHT! Yay! We’ve been married almost 17 years, so i guess it should have been obvious! Took us long enough to figure out that we were both right with our guesses! My husband definitely has an Acts Of Service love language. I find this abit difficult. The reason being, because he is a jack of all trades, knows how to do anything and everything. So i feel incompetent. Not that i want to compete with him, but it feels that what i do is never as good as he does it, or it wouldnt make a big enough difference to him, because anything i do FOR him, he does a million times better. Would you mind giving some ideas to please an acts of service jack of all trades? 🙂 thanx!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Anna. On another blog article today, a woman wrote about how she drove 80 minutes to her boyfriend’s home (as a surprise) and hat a crock pot dinner ready for him when he got back from work. He loved it! But even if he was better at cooking crock pot dinners, this kind of guesture means a lot to an “acts of service” person. Try thinking about what you CAN do rather than what you are able to do better than him. Loving your growth mindset and the fact that you shared this article with your Husband!


  5. Colleen said:

    Hello James. once again you blog an article on a subject that is so overlooked. Things like communication, sharing feelings, addressing conflict and so forth are generally discussed everywhere, but as important as these topics are, understanding your own love language vs. your partner’s language of love is vital in creating a deeper connection with each other.
    It’s such a simple act of knowledge, that can have profound, lasting effects, yet seems to be one that is least used or understood.
    If we learnt and understood this correctly, we’d have very little to complain about or be less frustrated over trying to understand our partner.

    I remember an incident a few months ago with my partner, because I addressed some behaviour at a function which displeased me. It was such an enlightening conversation. He was a little defensive initially as he told me that a few people at the party felt I was forceful and dominating him. To which I asked, if he felt that I had been. No he didn’t feel that way, but was upset because every time he put his arm around me, I flinched. He sat next to me, and I seemed to move and go elsewhere. I was completely astounded. I know he loves physical touch and affection, I’m not overly affectionate, but the fact, I had subconsciously acted in a way he felt rejected by me.

    These acts of love are such simple things, but can have lasting effects on those around us. When not used, or understood correctly, it makes our lives so complicated…

    Thank you once again for a great contribution to helping us understand ourselves and our loved ones so much better.

    • James Bauer said:

      Glad you liked it, Colleen!

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