Discovering how your guy wants to be loved can help you connect. It’s like finding the key to his heart. You can tap into a deeper part of who he is.
Shower him with “his” type of love, and he’ll be hooked. I’m going to show you three ways to figure out the type of love your guy responds to best.
But first let’s quickly review the concept of “love languages.” It’s the idea that there are five basic ways to express your love.
Kind words. Physical affection. Acts of service. Gifts. Quality time.
Each of us has a preference for one of these “languages.”
If kind words really matter, you’ll feel closer to someone who thanks you. Who tells you they appreciate you. Who flatters you.
People who respond to acts of service might melt if you wash their car for them. Or bring them chicken noodle soup when they’re sick.
If physical affection is your thing, hugs can make you feel more connected. Or holding hands. Or a back rub.
Things show gift-lovers that you care. Birthday presents. Cards. Flowers. Takeout from their favorite restaurant.
Finally, those moved by quality time just want you around them. And can feel slighted when you don’t make time.
Basically, when someone “speaks our love language,” we feel loved. When they don’t, we’re left cold.
But here’s the problem with love languages. We tend to express love in the way we want it expressed to us.
That’s fine if you and the guy you like speak the same love language. Not so great if you don’t.
Let’s look at an example:
GWEN: I really wanted to thank you for coming over to jump my car yesterday.
BARRY: Sure thing. It was no big deal.
GWEN: But it was. You went out of your way for me. That means a lot.
BARRY: Well, I’m glad I could help.
GWEN: Most people wouldn’t have. You’re a really great guy, Barry.
BARRY: (joking) Stop, you’re embarrassing me.
GWEN: I mean it. I feel really lucky to have a friend like you.
BARRY: Okay, fine, I’ll let you buy me lunch today.
GWEN: Oh. Actually, I can’t today. Raincheck?
BARRY: (trying not to look disappointed) Sure, sure.
GWEN: You really are my hero though.
BARRY: Uh-huh. I should probably go.
GWEN: Oh, okay…
Gwen tries to show Barry his help mattered. By telling him. She’s effusive. Her words are incredibly nice. Glowing even.
It’s likely compliments like these would move her, but he mostly shrugs them off. For Barry, words clearly just don’t do it.
Based on his lunch request, Barry’s “language” is likely either gifts or quality time. But Gwen doesn’t see the importance of those things. So it’s a missed connection.
Speaking different love languages doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker though. You just have to learn his language. And then train yourself to express love in the way he needs.
There are three simple tricks you can use to discover his love language.
Listen to his complaints.
The things that bother us tend to reflect the love language we speak.
He’s frustrated his boss didn’t compliment his latest report? Kind words. His sister went to Hawaii and didn’t buy him anything? Gifts.
Watch how he treats others.
Is he always doing what he can to make life easier for others? Acts of service probably matter a lot to him. Is he a hugger? He probably craves physical affection.
If you think he likes you, or you’re already in a relationship with him, pay special attention to how he treats you.
What does he ask for?
Does he hint at wanting gifts? Is he always trying to organize game nights to hang out with people? The things we ask for tend to reflect the type of love that matters to us.
And I’m going to leave you with one “bonus” trick for discovering his love language: ask him.
Yes, it can be that simple. Particularly if you’re already in a relationship. You can even flat-out mention love languages. Maybe he’ll recognize which one best matches his needs.
Or you can offer him options. What would make him happier: a thoughtful gift, or just vegging out together? Hearing what you admire about him, or having someone do a favor for him?
Don’t be afraid to let him know which “love language” you speak, either. Once you both speak each other’s love language, your connection can’t help but grow and deepen.