Getting Specific About The Kind Of Man You Want

choosing the right manNow in my last post we discussed the concept of propinquity. We talked about propinquity as an important variable to manipulate in your favor. In this post I’ll explain why it’s important to get very specific about the kinds of traits you want to find in an ideal romantic partner.

It all comes down to this. You cannot increase your propinquity with a certain type of man if you haven’t made an effort to figure out what kind of man you want to end up with.

Oh I know you’ve got strong ideas and opinions, but they’re mostly held as vague concepts in your mind. The kind of specificity I want you to focus on will narrow your search, thereby magnifying the power of your efforts.

To get specific, try to create a description of your ideal dating partner. Don’t be vague.

In your description, write down how tall he is, what he does for fun in his time off, where he lives, what he does for a living, the amount of money he makes each year, whether he likes dogs or not, whether he’s into professional sports are not, and as many other specific details of this sort as you can think of.

You may find yourself hesitating to put down specifics.

For example, you might find yourself wanting to indicate a salary range instead of writing down a specific number. Bypass that resistance.

choosing the right manWe both know you won’t find a person who magically fits each specific criteria you write down. That’s not the point. The point is that the more specific you get, the more clarity you have in your mind about where to find this guy.

For example, as you write down traits you’d love to find in an ideal partner, you might list something that is a personal interest of yours. Let’s use rock climbing as an example. Of course, rock climbing will only be one of twenty or thirty specific things you write down, but it is often these little things that suddenly spark ideas regarding how to increase propinquity with your ideal partner.

So, if you want to meet a guy who enjoys rock climbing, several ideas might pop into your mind. Maybe there’s a local indoor rock climbing wall where people congregate to watch, wait for their turn, and swap stories about rock climbing adventures. Maybe there’s an online rock climbing group specific to your state where people plan outdoor rock climbing meet ups.

You can use any kind of personal interest or trait to make it easier to manipulate propinquity in your favor.

If you’re a dog lover, maybe a dog show would be a good place to show up. If you want to marry an attorney, a coffeehouse just around the corner from a law school would be a good place to get lunch each day.

Get specific about who you are looking for, then purposely increase your propinquity with that kind of person. This puts the odds in your favor.

Have a great day!

James Bauer


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22 thoughts on “Getting Specific About The Kind Of Man You Want

  1. S'Tracy said:

    Already married, however, recognize him as a Dr Jeckal and Mr Hyde. He knew exactly what to say, how to act, then the NIGHT of the wedding he drastically changed. After 4 yrs of marriage-He recently retired; makes clear all belongs to him: “My car; My house; My yard; paint “My color”; going out of town to visit “My kids,” which are all adults, married and getting on with THEIR lives.Can spend “My money, my way” its none of your business. Does this repeatedly each week. PS buy your OWN food; OWN toilet paper; OWN gas for the car; if ask for $20 for dog food, makes me sign IOU/date/sign-REPAY. Even if I do make $20 on my own, insist or Qs: “YOU buying?”
    ADVICE?ADVICE?ADVICE?ADVICE?

    • James Bauer said:

      Yikes! That does not sound good. Is this a quirk, or does he think you are property he now owns? If it’s a quirk where he doesn’t get how insensitive and harmful this behavior is you will see many (MANY) other ways that he tries to take care of you and love you and make your life wonderful. If he does not, I think you may be married on paper but not in spirit.

      • Odette said:

        IMHO…. he sounds like a classic sociopath! Glib and ideal in the beginning, only to reveal an absolute self obsession that renders you invisible… very sad situation, but better to have a healthy distance from characters such as these….. even if you walk away with nothing!! At least you may find someone else that can give you the respect, consideration and affection you deserve. I feel very sorry for you…… and I know how hard it is to be in that situation because they have an amazing way of making you feel like youre the crazy one…. with unreaslistic expectations. Youre not!! You deserve more! Good Luck!

        • April said:

          WOW! Your letter sounds just like the guy I was engaged to… just ended five months ago and am so thankful I walked away. He too was so sweet and generous while courting, then after our engagement, he charged me for food, and toilet paper, and constantly reminded me that it was HIS house and only HIS family mattered… mine were not welcome in our home, never mind all the furniture and furnishing were mine plus I paid for all utilities plus bought food too. After I ended our engagement and began to move out, he locked up all the aivefood, and the toilet paper too!! Plus I caught him in so many lies that I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! Now that I’m out on my own, he constantly calls and leaves messages but I refuse to interact. What type of sociopath locks away food and toilet paper!!! And why didn’t I see that behavior in him prior to our engagement? Am I blind or naive? Or is he just a real good con man… I’m afraid to trust my judgement of character ever again!!

    • Jen said:

      Take half of HIS money in the divorce!

      • Odette said:

        Sadly Jen, these people are very clever….. and I walked away with less than I started with….. great theory!! But doesnt always work that way…… Half of nothing…. is nothing……. and if there is debt….. well you get half of that too!!

      • Sue said:

        Wow. That is just what I did. After 31+ years of marriage, he always referred to things as “mine” (except me, of course, because he wanted a new twat to sleep with, and did get it.). Earlier in the marriage he was only worried I would take “his” house, when all I wanted was my children. When he continued to cheat and treating me like crap, I filed for divorce, left him with “his” house and took my half in cash. Hope his sex life sucks! He was a pervert anyway.

    • Dietrice Hinojosa said:

      First , I am so sorry to hear that your not happy in your marriage. I know this might sound old fashion, but do you go to church. if so talk to your pastor, if not please pray on what direction to go in. it sounds like he is lost and afraid also, and his only way of showing that is being mean.
      I hope he isn’t being physical, the mental is bad enough.
      the only thing I can say Is that your not alone in what ever you decide to do. please stay safe and reach out .
      but most important PLEASE KNOW IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT FOR THE WAY HE ACTS.
      You’re a woman and the bible says “when a man finds a wife he fines favor” not the other way around. You are to be cherished , and valued, and most of all LOVED.
      So I will pray for your happiness.
      To your Happiness.

    • seeing one side is not enough said:

      Either this is the real situation, in which case you need to leave. Before that id advice getting a job of your own.
      There is, however, a chance he is a normal guy, fed up at women living off him. As a woman, i have to say I’ve seen too many guys used as a source of income, the woman quitting her job, and sitting around expecting the guy to work full time plus extra to pay all her expenses. Or what about the new gf who “borrows” huge amounts of money every weekend for shopping Pradaclothes and never pays back?
      To all of you- there are greedy sociopaths out there- but also economical parasites.
      To all women: get a job of your own and you’re free to leave if your guy is oppressive (knowing that, he will behave) and with you having an income of your own no kind guy will ever feel used by you. Every relationship will become all the better for this.

  2. Valerie said:

    I have just starting talking to someone who is very attentive and saying all the right things but at my age (60) I am so afraid of making another mistake (divorce from my second husband is in the works). What I would like to know is whether there were any signs whatsoever before you married him (stinginess, selfishness, etc.)?

    • Odette said:

      Valerie, there are always signs…. but often you are so focused on making them ideal, that these can be forgiven or overlooked.
      On reflection…. I now look at the relationship he has with his children, the quality and longevity of his friendships, and I guess its a matter of listening, watching and no matter how wonderful he seems to be….. keep the objectivity in your view of the relationship and be sure to honour yourself in what you tolerate. I also think its really important to identify the qualities that are most important to you, and those that you are prepared to be flexible on.

      Most of all, try really hard to approach a new relationship with a clean slate!! I think the experiences of the past are great teachers, but dont define the future….. they simply make us wiser!

  3. Frankly, I am going to get the full version. I’ve read other “information” excerpts about how to get him and keep him, he’s not that into you etc. Well if not very verbose then rather commons sense for the other..I cn tell if someone does not want to take up time with me what their currency is and will they share themselves.

    This is just down to earth piratical format that gives food for your own thought.

    I like it..

    Eniale

  4. Lori said:

    How about if I want a specific guy. I know who I want. He is everything I want. How do I get him? I know at one time he loved me. He used to ask me out all the time but I did not because my parents did not want me to because he is a different race. I don’t care about that. How do I go about letting him know that I would go out with him now. I think about him all the time. I don’t want to live without him.

    • Lori said:

      oh and it is to the point where I don’t even want to meet another guy. I cry when I think about it. We are both 38, well almost 39. Our birthdays are a month apart. If I’m not with him then I feel as though I would rather stay single. He has never been married. He is exactly the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please help! I do not want to make a mistake and screw things up if I do still have a chance with him.

      • James Bauer said:

        Lori,
        Your passion makes my heart happy. Here is the best kind of help you can get (in my humble opinion): http://beirresistible.com/freepresentation.php
        Just add action (and let him know by directly telling him, “Just so you know, if you happened to have an impulse to ask me out one day there’s a good chance I would say yes.”)

        James

  5. cindy said:

    Hi, I am 25 years old lady, no children & dating a guy age 37years. I find it so difficult to talk to him about natural things. because he is always having something better to say. I don’t know when to make a joke or what type of joke is good. he have 5 children with other ladies. when every we talk is always about what other ladies have done to him. I have come to the point of just looking at him or sometimes I even start chatting to my friends while pretending that I am listening to what he experienced with ladies. Seriously I need advance before I breakup with my guy. plz.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Cindy. It sounds like this thing where he talks about past relationships and ex partners is a deal breaker for you. Because of that you owe it to the relationship to see if he can change that bad relationship habit. He won’t change unless you tell him openly that it bothers you. Your BATNA (best alternative to negotiated agreement) is to get out of the relationship. You have nothing to lose by giving him a chance to change (after an open discussion of the problem) because the relationship will end anyway if he doesn’t change this bad habit.

      • Guys, in my opinion as opposed to “men” that want to talk in general terms/bash/, or say how good someone was, (good enough not to be with him), is just so very insensitive and doesn’t have a clue. It is a turn off for me to have to “educate” someone that it is unacceptable to just bring others into a conversation with a current relationship. Common sense should be enough. But,alright, so you may want to see if this is something that he will understand is just being somewhat dense.

        If he does it at any other time after the conversation or tries to justify it during your objections then that would be it.

  6. Inlove said:

    Ok so. I met someone online and after 9 months we met. During those months, we were very commitment and got to know each other, he was sure to come and visit my country. He would have come earlier if he could but he had to go to the middle east for 6 months. He persued me, was so into me and passed “very test” he wasnt the type of guy that I wanted at the beginning as he was into drinking but he stopped when he decided he wanted to be with me and become
    “a better man” He stopped, he made me a priority and was always there for me. We met after 9 months, traveled for 3 weeks as 3 weeks whats all he had as a year vacation (USnavy) we became intimate too. After that, we stayed in touch too, and hed say he loves me and talk about those things: marriage, kids etc, but I havent finish my studies, 3 more years to go and so I avoided the subject. I didnt know the “cave” moment after being so intimate so I took he wanting to do other things when back to his country, I wanted him to be as pursueing as the beginning and try to break the relationship too many times. After 3 months, I went for an exchange to his country, I met his parents and spend one week with him before going to work 3 hours away from his place. Then. he was supposed to come on weekends, but i worked more time. To sum up, being in his country i wanted to spent as much time as possible while he had other things in mind too and was more stressed with work. I broke up with him like the first week of feb, and it was the first time he didnt argue back nor fought it. Then he went MIA for like one month and a half and saw him only two days before going back to my country. He said before through text that he wasnt gonna be there for me because of his job. He will leave soon to anoher country for 3 years due to his navy contract. The thing is, he became later the person who fit for most parts the qualities I wanted in a man…but then I guess because of lack of communication or maybe not knowing how to react it ended. We dont talk but he hasnt send me some books of mine I left with him and he promissed me to sent…like 5 months ago when we saw us for ther last time. I think is too late..because he says he loves me, that im great and that he doesn “deserves” me and he knows its “his” lost..but doesnt really do anything about it..maybe too much stress added? worried because his job stability? what do you think James? Please, say something, 2013 has been hard for me..cant let go yet, why he doesnt sent me my books nor delete the FB pics completely? im confused.

    • Inlove said:

      Btw, Im 24 and he is 25.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello, InLove. It seems this particular person lacks the resolve to maintain a long distance relationship. Both partners have to be committed to the work involved in maintaining a relationship for it to make it with such obstacles. I strongly advise you to allow your focus to turn toward building your own personal goals and being open to new relationships. I know that is not what you want to hear, but your future self will thank you if you give yourself permission to appreciate what was good about this relationship in the past while letting go of the hopes you had for the relationship in the future.

      • Inlove said:

        Omg JaMes, i just read this. Thank you very much for replying back. I respect your points of view and i know what you mean. It was the most serous relationship i had and with whom i fet vulnerable themost. Iveread yur articles about the importance of having space, it just doesn feel fair to being more dependent due to being in his country for a moment..i guess he felt i ” needed him” too much at that time. I wonder if i could have chage thingsby reacting differently when trying to comunicate but i do fee i was more comitted at the end, which feels weird becaune want convnced to be in tha relationship at the beginning and he used t be soo into me..the way you describe whe men are inlove..so i feel bad thinking maybe it was my fault or perhaps we truly weren as compatible as we expected for the prev nine months. Im working on myself now but the doubt of whether i could havh done somhtg different or not does makes me linger sometimes…that and having his lovy videos on my phone or lettin go wth love..since it makes me recall the good only..but its almost october, havent seen him since march..avoids talkng to me and all i wanted in the worst case scenario was to become friends..how can they change their mind so easily? He was the first to talk about marriage, kids, and so on, i never pushed those subjects..but maybe its harder for me as he was my first sexual partner?

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