Unlock His Desire to Be with You. Try This One Simple Idea Tonight

how to get him to like you
You probably have a guy in mind right now. He’s the reason you signed up to receive my emails, right?

Well that makes me happy. Because I have a lot of valuable ideas to share with you.

Starting with this one…

I’m going to show you an easy way to unlock your natural charisma every time you interact with your guy. So let’s get to it.

It all comes down to a simple question: Do you believe you can enhance his life?

I mean, are you convinced that the guy you’re interested in would experience more happiness in life if he settled into a relationship with you?

And if you’re already dating him, are you convinced he’s lucky to have you?

You should be. In fact, that conviction is vitally important to the health of your relationship. Here’s why.

Okay, imagine you’re sitting at the departure gate in an airport. Your gaze wanders across the rows of people seated around you. And there’s this attractive guy who catches your eye.

First impressions tell a lot. And you can tell this is a guy you would love to find yourself sitting next to on the plane.

But why leave it to chance? Why not approach him now? Strike up a conversation. That would work fine, right?

Right. Except one thing. It feels weird to walk up to a complete stranger with the obvious intent of trying to strike up a conversation.

You fear he would see right through you. See that you like him. See that you’re nervous. See that you want something from him: his attention.

And that makes you uncomfortable in a sweaty-palms sort of way. Which, I can tell you, as a dating and relationship coach…it’s just not the vibe you want. You can do better. And I’m going to show you how.

To see how this works, let’s imagine the same basic situation. Only this time, you have something to offer. Something to give him.

You see, he stands up and glances toward the nearest convenience store, probably planning to grab a magazine for the long flight. He grabs his luggage, but accidentally leaves his cell phone on the arm rest.

You snatch the phone and skip after him.

Are you nervous to approach him this time? Of course not! Poor guy. You’ve got something he desperately needs while traveling. You have every reason to approach him. It’s him who will be in your debt.

And that is the magical mindset. That’s the mindset that automatically unlocks the relaxed, confident, and charismatic version of you. And that’s exactly why I want you to start using that mindset on a regular basis. Use it anytime you are about to interact with a love interest.

You use it by remembering one thing. You have a lot to offer. If he let’s you into his life, you’ll enhance it.

The basic belief that you can enrich his life through a close, intimate relationship is crucial. Because it changes how you come across to him.

I want you to remember that you have something pretty awesome to offer. Yourself.

But I understand this is one of those “easier said than done” ideas. So here’s an easy technique for keeping your confidence up.

When your confidence wanes, do a little prep work before you spend time with the man in your life. Think about the ways his life could benefit from having you in it. Envision his happiness in the future…happiness that results from drawing you close.

I call that a “vision boost.” Your vision of what’s to come boosts the confidence you feel today. And it stops you from holding back in the relationship.

A “vision boost” can be a powerful way to help your relationship grow. Use it before you head out on a date. Use it before you meet him for coffee or lunch. If the two of you work at the same place, use it on your commute.

This technique works because you can clearly see what’s in it for him. Suddenly, reaching for a relationship with him feels like the kind thing to do.

It destroys any feeling that you are begging for his attention. It removes anxiety. And he will sense the resulting warm, positive glow as you interact with him. Because you’ll be feeling confident and secure about what you have to offer.

how to get him to like youWith this method, you’re actively influencing your own mental state. When you can envision the ways you’ll enhance his life, feelings of hesitation and fear fall away. And it feels much easier to invite him deeper into your world.

But for this to work you have to do it before the interaction starts.

Once you’re around him, you’ll find it much harder to create a firm picture in your mind. You cannot easily split your focus between him and this mental exercise. So you need to go into those interactions with your vision already set.

The result is an empowering, positive feeling. From that mental place, it will be much easier to overcome any feelings of insecurity. So you’ll be able to share your real self with him, and the payoff in your relationship will be no small thing.

Plus, it just feels good to be confident. So start taking advantage of “vision boosts” today.

Always on your side,


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It's something he CRAVES... More than love, more than money, even more than sex.

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44 thoughts on “Unlock His Desire to Be with You. Try This One Simple Idea Tonight

  1. Yaritza Lua said:

    Hi James,
    This is Yari, I really like his guy and we have been friends for a year and a half. I have no experience whatsoever and I have no idea how to approach him. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want things to go the wrong way, I truly like him and we connect well.
    I don’t know what to say or how to speak to him, and I don’t know how to find out how he feels. I feel it has been too long locking up my feelings. Please help.

  2. Bella said:

    Hello James, thanks for this platform.
    I met a guy 3 yrs ago, we had a relationship and after a while i moved to another city. Some months later he just grew cold and finally our communication waxed colder. I tried all i could, i visited him, wrote him severally, called, etc. He would only call me once in after a very long while. After I figured out he was involved with other girls, I was deeply hurt and made up my mind to totally forget about him (but i don’t think i did cus he was always on my mind). After about 1 yr, I met a more serious guy who is actually planning for a future with me – someone I really care about too.

    But the last two months has been so difficult for me. This other guy is head over heels crazy about me again such that he wants me to carry his baby. He wants me back and has apologized for the length of time he left me. He says he’s a changed person and does not really have any reason to let me go.
    But i haven’t even told him i’m involved with someone else. I don’t just have the courage to do that cus im afraid to hurt him.

    What do i do in this situation? please advice.
    Thanks, Bella.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Bella. Honoring your commitments is a noble thing. But in relationships like yours, there’s another factor to consider.

      No one wins if you settle into a committed relationship with the wrong guy. Your unhappiness will eventually become his unhappiness. So you owe it to everyone involved to say you need some time and space to sort through your feelings. This will give you time to see if the sudden declaration of love from your former boyfriend is legitimate (and something you still feel drawn to).

      I don’t know if you have agreed to exclusive dating with the guy you’re with now, but if you have, you may need to tell him you like him a lot but you need some time to sort through some confused thoughts and feelings. He has treated you well so he deserves the truth.


      • Bella said:

        Thanks James. I really do appreciate your advice. The best I’ve gotten on this issue so far.
        Thank you,

  3. Louise said:

    Thanks for this post James! Yes any man would be damn lucky to have me in his life and they better not forget it! I have a funny dilemma at the moment..namely younger men chasing me, one lives interstate and we have been communicating via text and FB messaging for over 3 months now, and another whom I met recently (3 weeks ago) has asked me to be his girlfriend already. The interstate guy hasn’t picked up the phone to call me yet, we’ve just been flirting a lot by sending each other pictures and texts yet he says he wants me all the time and when am I moving over as well as saying he wants my baby. I’m not really taking him seriously as yet and I haven’t called him either. The other guy I’ve been on two dates with and having a few long phone calls to each other in between. With him there is a great connection and after my dates and phone calls I always feel a lot happier. Do you have any advice for me? TIA!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Louise. I’m not sure exactly what the dilemma is, because to me this seems like a fairly good scenario.

      There’s no need to narrow the field too early. It’s okay to spend time getting to know more than one person. Don’t rush things.

      Give yourself time to get to know the character of each of these men. Time will be your best teacher. It will reveal a clear path if you don’t rush it.


  4. Tresign said:

    I love your articles and have gotten so much useful information from you! Thank you!!

    I am having issues with this one because of the use of the term ‘introvert’. Interovert does not mean ‘being shy’, which most people assume.

    The difference between introverts and extroverts is how we ‘recharge’ from encounters with others. Basically, introverts need alone time away from people, extroverts get energy from being in crowds.

    This article seems to confuse shyness and introvertedness….not the same thing. I am an introvert, sometimes I’m shy, sometimes I’m outgoing. There are life-of-the-party introverts, not too many wallflower extroverts.

    • James Bauer said:

      Good point. I’ve made that exact distinction for my readers in articles in the past. Silly of me to slip up and revert to the mainstream definition in this article. Good catch and good clarification.


  5. Vicky said:

    long story short. I have had a relationship off an on for over 10 years with a man that is older then I am and we have a son together. He helped me raise my other son from a previous relationship and I did the same with his daughter. However in the few times we were apart he had another woman who started her flirting with him while I was still in the picture. Throughout these last 10 years she is the other one when things are not good on our side and vice versa. He leaves and then returns to one of us as long as the season is right. We last longer then they do and they also have a son together which I am now helping him raise as well. I have now been with him for 2 1/2 years and he starting his game again. This time the only difference is he has no reason or argument to end our relationship with. So I can easily get upset and leave making it easier for him to carry on what I like to call a temporary infatuation with this other woman but I have chosen not to because I know the ending results after a couple of months he will want me back. There is more to this story but then I will just end up writing you a book. The past is the past however I do not need to lose him over a temporary what he thinks or may call feelings. He says he is confused and that he loves me to so that is why he does not know if he should end it with me to once again try that relationship with her which has failed every time within the first 2 months. Either way we have invested a lot of time and effort in these last 2 years. I do not know how she got in the picture again but I was sick for about 6 months and in the last month or so I noticed his distance, silence and awkward behavior towards me. Yes I admit I did not give him any attention or otherwise while i was sick but I trusted him to take care of things until I return to my normal self which he knows very well; not to go looking for her which he knows this creates more trouble then we care to have. He even agrees to speak to a therapist about this because he knows this is the last time we can get back together again. We agreed when I moved in this would be the last time. He knows it is not right what he does and so now he does not know what the right thing to do because he has feelings and he thinks that if he does not act on them he will never know who it should really work out with and for him.

    Please advise. I am very confused, hurt, angry and I still love this man. Not to mention our son will have the hardest time if we end up separating. I know we do not want to do that but I cannot live like this and he obviously has pending issues. I cannot talk to anyone about this so it makes it even harder for me to try and communicate my feelings as an outlet. I cannot escape to anywhere because then questions are asked. I mean I am really lost on this one and I guess I am hoping for some guidelines or what you think I can benefit from in this kind of situation.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Vicky. I’m sorry for the pain you are going through right now. Your question would be better handled through our private coaching service rather than in blog comments. Wishing you the best.

  6. Eve said:

    James, would it be possible to get some further advice privately?
    Thank you,

    • James Bauer said:

      Yes. I have hand picked several of the best relationship coaches I could find in the country and shared all of my methods and inside secrets with them. You can consult them privately via email for a small fee. Click here if you’d like to take advantage of that. I appreciate the trust you put in me.


  7. Eve said:

    Thank you James,

    This is really helpful and to be honest I would never have thought to wait 2 weeks, even though when this happened yesterday, all I wanted to do was try to reassure him and help.

    But I will just continue as normal, and keep communication open, but not mention anything about his frustrations for two weeks.
    And to be honest this feels better for me, I don’t want to give into fear or to show him this either. All I want with him is a good relationship, as I care about him…

    Thank you for this – listening to second part of your audio in What Men Secretly Want and I have to say, I am finding this so helpful!

    If you can recommend any other of your audio, let me know.

    Thank you and best wishes,

  8. Eve said:


    I have just joined and listened to the audio yesterday on What Men Secretly Want – really super and very helpful.
    I am in a slightly difficult situation now and I would very much appreciate your advice.
    I have known a guy for nearly six months now. We have spent time together and I think had a great time together. Things have been moving slow, generally a lot slower that what I am usually used to. But because I like him and believe he is a really great person, I am happy for now for things to go at this pace. At times I have found him distant, however he always comes back again and initiate contact. We are not a couple, even though I would like this very much.
    He has a son aged and an ex-partner. I can see that this separation was difficult for him and that he misses his child a lot…
    Most recently we had spent a weekend together and had a really fantastic time together. The following week I found he had withdrawn and he told me that a lot had been going on…He was upset that his partner has changed the plan for him to see his child this week and that he was unable to see him.
    I wanted to listen to him about this and offer support, but he said that this was nothing that I should worry about and that it doesn’t involve me. I felt hurt, as he shut me out. However, I still was kind and didn’t retaliate.
    I do feel like I am kinda left in limbo, and I would like things to be different. I do care about him obviously. I have planned just to tell him that I do care and that I’d prefer if he didn’t retreat into a cave…
    If you have any advice, I would very much appreciate this.


    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Eve. Thanks for supporting my work by purchasing What Men Secretly Want.

      It sounds like you have a very good start to a relationship that is actively growing and changing. When your partner shut down about his hurt feelings regarding time with his child, he was probably trying to protect his relationship with you. Most people would assume that bringing baggage about arguments with an ex would be something negative that should be left out of a new relationship. On top of that, being a man, he may not have wanted to reveal the depth of some of his feelings of sadness. He may have turned off those emotions to avoid showing you his “weak” side.

      I think you’re on the right track, but I advise you to wait for at least two weeks before mentioning that you’re okay with him sharing his frustrated feelings about separation from his child. The reason is because he will be more likely to accept that invitation when the emotions are not as raw. Moving too soon might cause him to shut you out more or get angry at you for trying to “push him” to share feelings (emotion transferred from the hot topic).


  9. Jane said:

    Hi James,

    I have been a year with my boyfriend but still I don’t know how he think about me.
    We have a distant relationship as he lives in a different region (more than one hour driving). He has two kids and does share care every fortnightly with his ex-wife. So sometimes a bit hard to catch up with him. But I do love him very much even though I haven’t mention yet. What shall I do??

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Jane. Do you mean you wonder how he sees your relationship evolving in the future? Does he know what you are looking for? Maybe its time for you both to talk about what you hope to find in your lives (relationship wise) so you can have a better sense for whether this relationship fits with your hopes and needs.

  10. JoJo said:

    Dear James,
    I dont know if the dating tips pertains to marrried people but here it goes. I have been married for three years now (arranged marriage). My husband is from India and to tell you the truth we still dont have the sparks going on for each other. fighting and argument at little things, I feel like his sarcasm is just insulting to me at times and later he tells me that he didnt mean it that way. He tells me I over react and have changed over the years. We have a intimacy issue and live like strangers under one roof. I am resenting alot these days and have become a person im not. I dont know what to do.I dont know what his thinking.He is a very moody person and i feel like his behavior and lack of emotional attachment is pushing me away from him. I want to get to know him better and start our marriage and fix everything. I want to have a loving relationship but dont know where to start. please help

    • James Bauer said:

      I wonder if you might be able to write him a letter expressing your desire to build something more beautiful through your relationship. Start by painting a picture of “what could be” rather than what needs to change.


  11. Kristina said:

    Hi James,
    I receive your e-mails all the time.. I keep hoping to see one that would give me some incite on my situation. My issues are a bit different, I have a 6yr old daughter with the man I am with. We dated for a while, then we broke up for two years. Now we have been back together for the past three years and I am 11weeks pregnant with our 2 nd baby, my 6th . I was hoping that by now we would be living together and or Married but he always has some excuse as to why he is not ready yet. To me this is disheartening and I at times wonder why I try or stay in the relationship. Then I smile and realize… I Love Him, I really love him, but I don’t know what else to do or say to progress our relationship. He keeps pulling away an saying he needs space to himself. Thus, leaving me to take care of our kid alone til I push back or he decides that he wants/needs something or us around. But if I do the same thing to him “I need space” the whole world is coming to a end and I’m wrong and we need to talk about it right this minute!
    If I mention moving in, marriage, or anything about relationship and how it’s going or my feelings he gets upset or answers with, you know I love you.. No I really don’t know, because I’m confused and if he really does then why are we not moving forward. Please, any help you could offer would be great.. I would ask privately but I don’t have a extra $1 to my name at this point…
    Thank you for your time and help
    Confused in Love…. Kristina

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Kristina. I’m going to answer your question under the assumption that he is not just a player who wants to avoid being “tied down” so he can chase after multiple women at once. I’m assuming you wouldn’t want to be with him if that was the case, so I’ll rule that out. So what I need to tell you about is what men often mean when they say they’re “not ready.”

      Men will not engage in something that they feel like they cannot “win” at. Very often, when a man says he’s “not ready” it means he currently feels he will fail to meet your expectations if he agrees to take on whatever role you have proposed (husband, boyfriend, father, fiancé, etc.). When he says “I’m ready” he very likely means “I’m afraid I would let you down if I agreed to that.”

      So your task is to find out what beliefs he holds about your expectations that would prevent him from seeing it as something he can succeed at. Find out why he believes he would not meet your expectations and you will see what to do next.

  12. merin said:

    Hi James

    I am experiencing something really confusing. I like this guy very much and i think he likes me too. When we meet he doesnt think about anything else, doesnt care about what happening around and will make me feel like he cant live without me, and when i am about to leave he will say stay 30 mins more. But, when we are not meeting, he is like i dont exist. He wont initiate phone calls or wont return calls sometimes and not interested to talk much in phone. If i didnt initiate the contact for a week or two, he will call me. Now his mom wants to meet me. I am totally confused.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Merin. I like your question. I like it because it’s fun to give people good news.

      He obviously likes you very much and is interested in a relationship with you. Some people feel 100% at home with electronic forms of communication and talking over the phone with people they can’t see. For others, it’s something they turn to as a last resort. It feels unnatural. If I’m right about this, you’ll know because he probably won’t be picking up his phone to text people or make a “quick call” when he’s with you. When he’s with you, he’s with you, and not wondering who else he could be communicating with electronically. So the solution is to spend more time together in person and let go of the worry about why he doesn’t contact you much in between.

      • Veronique said:

        WOW, James. I receive your mails also. I am with a guy exactly like this. I have been with him over a year. In the entire time we have spend time together, over night, at Christmas, he has not one time answered a call, checked his messages, anything and he has not every told me, hold on a minute, let me text and do so and so. When we get together, our first thing is to catch up on what has happened in between. He likes for me to write him emails (he’s an introvert) he says it helps him to understand me and to gain confidence in his feelings. But because he did not consistently respond to my electronic communications, I backed way off and send very few now. I believe he takes it as I don’t care as much anymore. The fact is, I love him more now even after his pulling away, ending the relationship and coming back because he is tainted from the failure of his first marriage. So what you have responded to Merin helped me. I can still be choiceful when I do write him but I will not feel the same way I used to feel about his not always responding.

  13. Maria said:

    Hi James!
    Another awesome post. It will help put a little sparkle in my eye while relating with fiance, and the rest of the world! 🙂

  14. Paula said:

    Hi i just recently connected with a man i been seeing around town at times i been attracted to him for awhile but he was married but , when we just talked recently hes been divorced for a year now, we get along so good and the physical attraction, and communication is there, i really like him and want to start a relationship with him but we both live four hours away in two different states, but if he wanted to be in a relationship with me i wouldnt mind moving to be with him im 47 yrs old never been married and im lonely and want to be loved and have a companion before i turn 50yrs old, and i think he’s the one i want to spend my life with, what should i do to keep him interested and draw him into me?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Paula. Sounds like a great opportunity to live life to the fullest! I think you’ll find some very practical ideas and principles for drawing him closer even from a distance by going through my special report on this topic.


  15. Jeni said:

    I am very new to this blog and a bit reluctant, but here goes nothing!
    I was in a very committed relationship for about a year and a half. We had gotten engaged this past Christmas and I, for the first time in my 36 years, was finally smitten with a man that I was sure was ‘the one’.
    I am not a naive woman, I have had failed relationships both on my part as well as the other, but this love was like no other.
    There were some major stressors in our life. He took on a new career in the financial world, something of which is was completely new to. And I was experiencing unhappiness in my job. Thus, we were arguing a lot and then on Mothers Day of this year, that was it. It was over. It was called off and I had no idea it was coming. As I said, we were fighting, but after every fight I would ask him if he thought the fight made us stronger, or had it eroded our relationship. He always declared that he felt it made us stronger. Later, of course, he said that he was wrong in saying that.
    After that day, a month went by where he would flip-flop. One day, he was sure it was over, the next he would ask me if he was still and ‘option’. I feel that every time I was pulling away was when he would ‘want me.’
    But my heart couldn’t take being strung along. I have a seven year old boy who didn’t need to be strung along either. So, I made a commitment on my end that it was over. I knew I had to let him go.
    In the meantime, I am still moving out of ‘our’ home and I send him the obligatory texts of schedule as well as well wishes. And, nothing. I receive no reply ever, at all. It seems since I made the commitment to be done, he won’t reply to anything.
    Truth is (and everyone knows this) I miss him terribly. I miss his face, his voice, but mostly his love. Yes, we fought but we made a commitment to forever and I just can’t believe the emotions can turn off the way they did for him.
    My friends, my spiritual guides, tell me to just let go. Get him out of the equation completely. And I try. Every day. I know I have to un-attach myself from memories and thoughts. The hardest part is going back to the house to move everything out. That was our home. Now it is not.

    What can I do?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Jeni. It sounds like you wish you had not broken up with him. If that’s the case, I recommend you let him know. But it sounds like he didn’t have the ability to offer what you are looking for in a relationship right now. You might want to read another article on the topic of letting go.


    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Jeni. You know, I have read that anger is NOT the opposite of love. There is still love present if someone is feeling angry and hurt – otherwise they would not have those feelings and not care at all. So if you think your man is angry with you, it would seem he still loves you. It sounds as though he is being passive/aggresive. Do what James says and let him KNOW how you feel – face to face. He may not be getting your texts. He may have blocked your number if he is angry. If there is a lot of stress in both your lives, it is to be expected that things will be difficult at times. Life is not easy these days, there is so much stress around and high expectations. Try to explore what it is you are arguing about, and address those issues. Look deeply into your heart and try to find the answer. There are usually hidden reasons why people argue. Not always the issues being argued over. Maybe there are resentments that have not been aired. You just have to try to find them. Maybe a little time apart will help to crystalize both your thoughts. Ask him if he is prepared to give it a lot of thought and get back with some answers after a little time apart. Listen to your own heart, not other people’s advice – they do not know what it is YOU need, and will all have their own opinions – even if well-meant. Try to find some quiet space to think it through – and try to get him to do the same. What do you have to lose? Why not leave the packing up and moving out for a while? Just chill for a bit. I hope it works out the way you would wish. Best wishes. Lorna

  16. Tammy said:

    Hi James
    I have a odd predicament. I stared seeing a guy that I have known for 25+years and considered to be a friend. He took my wedding pictures of me and my ex. Anyway he asked me out a couple of years ago but I was seeing a guy . So I didn’t respond with a yes. Anyway he recently asked me out again. I was very happy but nervous. I had a crush on him since high school. He’s 4 years older than me. He has been married twice. Me 1. He has kids and grandchildren me no kids. He is a teacher and coach at a local school. We went to a movie on our first date. He picked me up and we enjoyed the movie. No kiss or anything. Next date was at his house a few days later we watched a movie and I left no sex just a good night kiss. 3-4 days later he asked me over to grill out. We had a really good night and we did have sex and I spent the night. About 3 days later he asked me over again and I took a bottle of wine. For all dates I was extremely nervous. I thought things were proceeding good. Until I innocently posted a couple of what I thought were funny but he didn’t a sent me a text saying please don’t post anything on my Facebook page. And things went down from there. I went through several emotions. I sent him numerous texts ranging from apologetic to angry. I apologized for them and asked him to still be my friend. He finally text me back ok you are my friend and I accept the apology. We used to text each other a couple times a day. Now I text him and even did some of the ideas I got from your program and Felicity Keith’s . I tested him some very erotic “dreams/fantasy” . He seemed to like it but when I asked him if he would like to go to a driving range he replied No. He teaches golf. We had a light text conversation about golf and sex. I have tried several attempts to engage him but he seems very distant. So I really like this guy but I must have disrespected him and didn’t realize it , but I even sent him a text saying I did respect him and his life. He replies with thank you. And silence. Can this be fixed? I have a couple other guys I’m seeing casualty but no one I’m interested in getting intimate with.
    ANY HELP. I looked through all the material that you and Felicity sent but I couldn’t find anything that seemed to fit or work.
    Thank you Tammy

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Tammy. It’s difficult to answer your question without knowing what it was you posted on Facebook. You probably should not put that here as it would make you (and him) easily identifiable to anyone who had access to that Facebook post. I would recommend a private coaching consult.


      • Tammy said:

        James it was a couple of what I thought were funny posts. 1st one was ” I put bubble wrap under my mistress to make sex more festive. Like fireworks.” And the other was ” If midgets play miniature golf is this considered regular golf?”. I just though they would make him smile. He took them off his timeline and he unfriended me. But we still text a couple of times after he accepted my apology. Like I said I did the sexy posts.he responded to them positively but when I hinted at him teaching me golf at a driving range his reply was “No”. He had said earlier at first that “all he had to offer was sex”. I told him “It wasn’t that his time and friendship was.”
        I’ve given up.

      • Tammy said:

        James also I’m recovering from rotator cuff surgery and not working much, so lot of time on my hands to think and stress over a lot of things both personal and financial.

  17. Sarah said:

    Hey James,
    This may be a late post so I apologize. Me and my boyfriend just hit our 2 year mark and our relationship has been wonderful from the start. However I’m starting to have a few concerns. He hardly ever checks on me by text or call like he used to. Anytime I get sensitive about something he just thinks I’m being silly, yet before he would care and try to make me feel better (note: I hardly get emotional or sensitive about stuff anyway). We haven’t actually gone out on a date in at least 9 months. When I mentioned wanting him to take me out on our anniversary he got stressed out about everything costing money and said he didn’t have money. I’ve always known him to be an introverted guy who doesn’t talk much and I know he is in a stressful financial situation. I also know he battles with depression. But I don’t feel like I’m one of his primary focuses anymore. Our first year was our honeymoon phase and I felt that begin to shift once he started a very hard labor intensive job. I’ve asked him before if he ever misses me because he wouldn’t say a word for days. He would say I’m crazy for thinking that and that he misses me all the time. But I just don’t see him showing it like he used to!! I start to wonder if we are just so comfortable now he doesn’t think he needs to show me special attention. But I see various couples around me who are engaged and married who show each other more love than I feel he has shown me in a while. And it makes me sad and I feel like I’m put off to the side. I’ve had a few little talks with him about how I feel here and there but it just stresses him out and he wants to shut out the conversation. I try to uplift him and be supportive of him instead of nagging or complaining. But I worry that my own pain will be without support or comfort. Is there something you know that could help me please!!

    Thank you,

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sarah. This would be a great question to submit for a private coaching consult. I’ll just mention one thought here.

      I think you are right that he is taking the relationship for granted as he focuses his energy on surviving other forms of stress right now. However, if he is unable to manage the daily stress of life and still understand the need to invest in your relationship, that is unlikely to change in the future as your relationship matures. So consider carefully whether you want to stay in a relationship like that. The one exception to this line of thinking is if the stress he is facing now truly is temporary in nature, in which case giving him time and emotional support would be the better choice.

      If you feel it’s time to test his true motives, you can tell him, “If our relationship is a stress burden for you rather than something enjoyable, I don’t feel it’s good for either you or I. Perhaps it’s best if we try this relationship again if you feel ready at some point in the future.”

      You can give us more background and get more specific private advice here.

  18. Kelli Clicquennoi said:

    I am involved in a dysfunctional relationship for 7 years. I am aware of his hx with family conflict and the trauma he experienced growing up. However, the verbal abuse, down grading me, cursing at me using inappropriate name calling almost 24’7 and sometimes DV on both parts has come to a point in my life where I think I need to make a change. The only thing that is stopping me is I do love him b/c there is a nice side but he does not show me the nice side sexually, physically or mentally. I have not had relations with him for almost 10 months and this is coming to a point where I cannot accept this anymore, but something is stopping me and I do not know what it can be. I want someone that can respect me, laugh with me, go out together and have fun and be sexually active. Financially, it is difficult to be on my own again due to working in the human service field, non-profit. I know this is complex b/c anyone would say, “leave” the grass is greener on the other side but I am confused and do not now the right thing to do, please help me!

    Thank you!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Kelli. I understand your dilema. Common sense says you should leave, yet your heart holds you back. Let me remind you why your heart is still attached. You have a history together. You share memories and a life story that has intertwined over many years. Yet, it is not the story you need to be building in your life. If you invest in those who invest in you back, you will find a deeper sense of belonging and a more full expression of the love you are capable of.

      I know it’s not simple. Wishing you strength and courage.


  19. jackie said:

    I’m dating a man now but he works all the time and we don’t spent time together I only talk to him on the phone I know him for 4 months and never went out should I let him go. I like him alot

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Jackie. Have you gone through my special report on dating a guy who’s too busy? I have a lot of specific strategies that are useful for this kind of situation. You can find it here if you haven’t gone through that minicourse yet.


  20. luann said:

    i am smitten with a guy at work and try to have conversations with him and i get shy, fummelled andi am a very out going girl and social. he just makes me have such a happy feeling. never felt likee this before. i talk sports , with him and ask on his family. i SO want him to see we would be a great couple. i am not a needy girl. i have known him now for about 3 years. i never notice him prior.. thank you – appreciae any advice. ready for my soulmate and love for the years that are left. he is 52 & i am 56.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Luann. You might benefit from a special report I created for this kind of situation. There’s a small fee involved to access my research on this topic, but you can learn more about it here.


    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Hi Luann,
      Go for it girl!! This is 2015 – women have more power and freedom than we have ever had. Use it. Just don’t scare him off!! Be your lovely, sweet, charming and feminine self. Don’t be too aggresive (it doesn’t sound as though you would be, anyway) – men still like women to be women even these days. Use your feminine wiles. Wear your prettiest most feminine outfit. Show a bit of leg if they are good, but don’t be overly sexy – that may scare him off. Ask him out for a coffee and a snack at lunch time, or a drink after work, or take some cakes in for coffee break – whatever is appropriate for your situation. Be inventive, but don’t overdo it. You don’t want to be too obvious. Smile and flirt. And think of something else to talk about rather than sport and family!! Boring! Ask about HIM – his hobbies, interests, what he’s been doing lately, etc. Make him see you are interested in HIM. Listen and bring him out of his shell. They love it!! You can do it. You know the old saying “faint heart never won fair lady”?. Well, it works just the same for us. You will never get anywhere by being a shrinking violet. And maybe he is just as scared. You have nothing to lose, have you? Don’t miss your chance. And if he rejects you and you feel a bit silly – so be it, it’s a small price to pay – and it is his loss – no big deal. At least you will know where you stand. Then you can move on to the next one, since you’ve got all that experience now!! Best of luck. (By the way, I am 67 years young, pretty, slim and sexy and still flirting every chance I get – I love it – and so do the men (even the married ones!! – gives their egos a huge boost – but the wives don’t like it. They need to learn a lesson – divorce rate has never been so high!! However, I am very choosy and Mr. Right has still not come along after 7 years of looking – but I live in hope) Lorna x

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