How to Rekindle His Romantic Interest in You

how to keep the passion going Hey, it’s James again. Here’s day 2 of your 14 day attraction tips course.
It’s just a preview of the kind of advice and insights I offer.

That way, you can make an informed decision about whether or not to stay on my subscriber list.

If you already know you don’t want ideas and relationship insights from me, just click the unsubscribe link at the bottom of any of my emails.

Today I’m going to remind you of something you already know. Something important but easily forgotten. Something that tugs at a man’s heart.

They are the things that make you smile when you think of him. The things that made you fall in love with him.
They were there when you first met him. That’s why you said yes when he asked you out.
They are the things hidden in his heart that you admire, appreciate and trust. It’s a beautiful thing when you first recognize those gems in his character.

Basically, that’s what falling in love is. It’s seeing into another person’s heart and desiring what you find there.

But then you hit a snag.
When we first begin a relationship with someone, we’re attracted to the possibility of what the relationship could become. It’s an exciting new adventure.

As that possibility becomes a reality, it’s intoxicating… for a while. And then the intoxication seems to fade.
Usually, it fades for one person sooner than it does for the other person. And it fades because you get used to the things that initially made your partner seem special.

When that magical feeling becomes an everyday feeling, it’s easy to stop looking for potential in your partner. Instead, you fixate on the ways he’s different from you, the things you don’t like. And you can easily forget all about the things that initially attracted you to him.

In a long-term relationship, it’s normal for the feelings of infatuation to come and go. When feelings of infatuation are low, you stop fixating on the things you find attractive about him. You see him as a normal person. The sense that he’s “perfect” reveals itself to be an illusion.

When that illusion breaks, the magic withers and some relationships die.
If that’s happened to you, I have some good news. Recovering that special connection isn’t all that difficult.

If you want the best relationship possible, in the beginning and for the long-haul, take this advice. Keep on looking for the qualities in him you most enjoy, desire and respect. Finding them once isn’t enough. Trust me, if you don’t keep looking for them, you’ll forget about them.

And then something terrible happens. Problems become the focus of the relationship. And that slowly poisons the magic of your romantic connection.

So never stop looking for what’s good in the relationship, and in him. Search the mind and heart of your partner diligently and often. And when you see something beautiful in him, acknowledge it out loud. Let him know you appreciate him.

When you do that, two things happen.

First, as you rediscover the things in him that resonate with you, you’ll feel the electric excitement of possibility all over again. You’ll feel alive. You’ll feel desire, and you’ll want to follow that feeling on a journey that brings you closer to him again and again.

He’ll sense that positive energy in you and be attracted to it.

And here’s the second thing that will happen.

You’ll also be encouraging him to show you more of the qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Usually, those are the same qualities that make him feel happy and fully alive. So it’s like you bring out the best in him when you look for what you like.

And here’s the magic that seals the deal…

He will like the version of himself that he finds in your presence. And that will make him want to spend more time with you.

how to keep the passion goingYou will essentially reawaken and reinforce the special qualities that cause attraction between the two of you.
If you do this from the beginning of a relationship, you’ll not only keep the flames of passion burning hot, but you’ll build a more solid foundation, as well.

What it comes down to is this. No matter how strong the initial magic feels, loving someone is a choice. So choose to love the best you can find in him. Don’t let frustration or setbacks become the focus of your attention.

Everything you fell in love with is still there, hidden in his heart. Seek it out, and never stop telling him what you find.


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49 thoughts on “How to Rekindle His Romantic Interest in You

  1. M. Kay said:

    Hi James,
    I must admit, I’m struggling to rekindle the things I fell in love with about my husband. I married him without really identifying the “gems in his character” that I would need to recognize now, 36 years of marriage later. All I can think of is that I married him because he was an amazing designer/artist and along with my artistic gifts, we went into business together and made quite a team during our first 10 years. During that time we also started raising two children, but then he decided to quit as my business partner (adamant about never returning to the computerized world) and I had to continue the business alone, feeling abandoned. Sadly, our relationship has been merely roommates for the past two decades and completely without connection, attraction, – and intimacy isn’t even a thought! It’s really hard living with someone yet feeling all alone. I often wonder what it must be like to be fully “in love” with someone. I don’t think we ever got to that point before the connection died, so I’m trying to find more information to help me cope. I’m at that point in life where it feels too complicated and cruel to divorce and start over. I love myself, so that will have to do. Thank you for your insights and materials. I’m hoping to help my daughter make wiser choices than I did – before she gets married!

    • James Bauer said:

      You seem like a very thoughtful and insightful person. I’m glad to have you as a reader. I certainly understand the decision you have made.

      Still, I can’t help but wonder if there is room for two people to create something a little more beautiful than what you currently share in your roommate-style relationship.

      Have you considered inviting him to imagine the possibilities with you? Are there ways that two people could feel less lonely and be a witness to each other’s lives while purposely working to build each other’s happiness? Is that an adventure he might be excited to join you on even if he’s a bit hesitant at first?

      I realize there must certainly be barriers to accomplishing that. But I wonder what would happen if you slowed down your mind and gave it time to generate a list of options you still have before you.

      James

  2. Annie said:

    James-

    I am glad I stopped to read your article tonight. Ron and I are 60 and 50 respectively, and have been together for 4 years, but still live separately. Our disability benefits will change if we share a place.It is very frustrating and takes a lot of effort for us both to travel every weekend using his wheelchair van.Sunday nights are depressing for me, “Rainy days and Monday always get me down” These tips will be helpful to the spark alive while we figure things out. Thanks ever so much!

    • James Bauer said:

      Keep living life to the fullest, Annie!

  3. Linda said:

    This was amazing. I have to admit I don’t have time to read all the message sent by you. I pick and choose the ones I need to read and discard the others that are irrelevant to my situation. This article was great and in perfect timing for me in regards to me and my ex-husband who just re-newed our friendship to a whole new level. The tips you gave here is proving itself in our renewed friendship and new found excitement! Thank you! My love is on fire!

  4. Heather Cook said:

    I have a small question. I don’t know what to ask for help with, after I tell him I need his help. What do I do if he doesn’t seem to care?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello Heather. As soon as I read your question, I felt like it was tugging at a memory of a prior experience. As I contemplated this feeling, I realized what it was that your question reminded me of.

      Long ago, I was mentoring a college student who had a fear of failure. He was a very bright young man, capable of getting all A’s in his college coursework if he would just apply himself. Yet he held back. He consistently got D’s and F’s. Why? Because he was afraid that if he tried and failed, it would prove that he was a failure. Rather than face that fear, he continued to be a failure.

      It doesn’t really make sense, does it? His fear of discovering the truth prevented him from doing his best. He said, “as long as I don’t really try my best, don’t study, and pretend like I don’t care, I can just blame my low grades on that.” It gave him his sense of security.

      But what kind of life is that? Choosing failure in order to avoid the chance that you might actually fail if you tried hard? That’s not the kind of life I would want to live.

      Do you see anything similar in your own situation? Are you afraid to discover what happens if you go all out and find out whether or not he cares?

      I imagine you already know how you would feel if you presented him with an opportunity to be your hero, but he simply did not seem to care. If you already know how you would feel under those circumstances, it’s probably best to face the fear and find out the truth.

      • Heather Cook said:

        I see the similarities. I still don’t know what to ask for help with once he responds.

  5. Yvettea said:

    Hi James,
    This advice could not have come at a better time for me right now. My partner of 8 years has told me in the last few weeks that he didn’t think he loved me like he used to. To which I replied, of course you don’t! and stupidly laughed it off. Now we are having serious conversations about breaking up. I have tried discussing with him that love in a relationship changes over time and that it was up to us to refresh it and work on it together. He is not “into all that mumbo jumbo” and is not the kind of man to really look inside himself. He is a wonderful person and I know we are right for each other. I have been showing him more appreciation and slowly building up the affection again to hopefully remind him of why we are so special together. We overcame a lot of obstacles to be together. How do you get through to someone that is not in tune with his emotions and doesn’t really like exploring feelings etc. ?

    • Lana said:

      Hi Yvettea,
      I feel I can relate to what you said here about the man in your life, who “is not in tune with his emotions and doesn’t really like exploring feelings”. I found out that most of the men are like that! Only few men can be in touch with your and his feelings. Those are very unique and outstanding creatures. I think James is one of them too, otherwise he would not be able to teach and support women the way he does it here. So, what are we going to do with the ordinary men, who are not really responding to our feelings and not able to look inside themselves to see who they are and how that applies to the rest of the world and to their loved ones?
      I think the answer is to accept them, our men, the way they are, but still continue to use the knowledge of how to refresh the relationship with them, that James is teaching us here. Little by little the progress will start showing up, the man you love will respond on your feelings and start feeling more secure around you. The change that you make is applying to you first, you become a better person and your man notices it and starts changing his “normal” behavior to a better one. Just don’t give up on yourself and keep trying, and I am sure there will be a great difference in your relationship with him.
      I am doing same thing in my life, and waiting for a better results.

      With my best regards,

      Lana.

      • James Bauer said:

        Those are wise words, Lana. Thank you for sharing your insights here.

        James

      • Lana said:

        Thank you James. I am just following your tools that you are teaching us here.

  6. Monika said:

    James, this is beautiful advice. You are doing what first attracted me to your blog and doing it better with every single post. I love your emails, I love your positivity and I use your advice to be a better person and a better partner.

    Just wanted to say that I appreciate a lot what you do, and I think it makes the world better place. I love that for you relationships are only good when they are authentic, no rules, no games, and no judgment.

    I wish you all the best in your work, you deserve it all!
    Monika x

    • James Bauer said:

      Wow, you’re good at building people up. Thank you, Monika!

  7. Lieketseng said:

    Hi James I jst started seeing u few days ago on the 31 if December dats when I saw u…I am so excited by the advices nd support u sure to us..thank u again.i am a 39 year old single mom met a boyfriend who prised to me last July who has been giving me problems with cheating nd liying so much…I dnt really know wht to do I am really puzzled by his acts as we are busy preparing for our wedding. I need help I dnt knw hw to solve this situation…I came to u get help so far have been getting good tips from u…nd still need more so that I can be confident with myself again…his main problem is he likes his phone so much can’t even get any attention as he will be on his phone all the tyme…nd what makes it worse is he will be with his people talking his language which is a big problem to an extent that he even attends his girlfriends in my presence I really need help…I dnt knw wht to do ..

  8. Monique said:

    I was in a relationship for 6yrs we lived together in the same house as his deceased wife, of course we are in our sixties, children are all married and leading there own lives, but 3yrs ago all of a sudden his daughter was always calling him making plans with him but never included me… I am still working and he is retired but after our first year together he picked up a contract for About 6 months making good money and I was paying $450 of rent, with our arrangements was thAt he paid all expenses, it started out fine but then when he was out of town I had to buy food and when he came back I had noticed he wasn’t buying food that I liked so I started buying for myself but when I made ithe meals of course he enjoyed my meals better so he always ate them was of again and then picked up 2 more contracts after that , so after the last contract I stopped paying rent and that really irritated him,… the woe=rse is I nexver showed him how much I was spending on food, even to entertain his family, so I didn;t find it fair, some the past two years it was like picking argument for I wasn’t paying rent, well I had to justify, I clean the house , makes meal go to cottage buy food for to entertain his family, clean cottage on my 2 days off when he is there most of the week,but the worst was as soon as I said a comment not to bring him down but show him certain things he would say I wanted to start an argument…also when we had friends or family he always brought stories of deceased wife when she has passes a way 10 years ago…and his sister on many occasion they mention deceased wife and call me his ex fried girlfriends name…now every time that happened never said anything but hurts my feelings as I thought I was his partner, I feel like they don’ have respect for me…
    They worst is this year told me to move outover a hamburger argument which I was simply giving him advise, I wasn’t complaining, then another was over a meal he had made just gave him advise that he can add water to have more bouillon in the stew, well he flipped again…of course ther is more but I finally left to maybe he will realize what he will be missin, bu I would love to get back together but now how? I did send him a message that I needed his help, he replied instantly which surprised me, as he nerve used to reply that fast…we met together I was very positive… he left saying will have to do this again, so what do I do/

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Monique. For detailed private questions like this, it’s better if you join our private forum instead of posting your question here on the blog. You can join the private forum through this link. We’d love to have you as a member.

      James

  9. Tania said:

    I’m impressed! With the idea and with the way it’s explained. Genius! Thank you a lot!!!!!

    • James Bauer said:

      Thank you! You just made my day.

  10. Sandra said:

    James, man you certainly do know what you are talking about. I used the 4 word text, I need your help. He called and has texted me back unexpectedly! Wow! Thank you Sir so very much! You are helping me! I so much appreciate this gift that is operating in you to teach us women how to relate and be compatible with men!

  11. Linda said:

    Christian men who follow Biblical principles for marriage give a woman a chance for genuine love, there aren’t the games and excuses if he is truly a Godly man.
    Then it becomes a matter of if the Lord has brought you together for His purposes. God has a purpose for everyone’s life, and you can’t know it apart from Christ, He is the author and giver of life, marriage, and love.

  12. Sharyn said:

    Really found this advice enlightening, so simple yet so positive. Turns the mindset
    from stressing about what went wrong to what hopefully will be good again.
    I’ve recently split up from my partner of 14 years – long story, we are in contact and have seen each other a few times since. He says he misses me too and wil always love me but whether he wants to re-ignite what we once had as much as I
    do I’m not sure. I’m more forward in expressing my feelings and whilst he always responds the same way I wish he would say them first. He may be afraid of it going belly up again. Anyway I will try to put into practice your advice and see how it goes. Look forward very much to further advice.
    Thanks heaps.
    Sharyn

  13. Ana said:

    Dear James, Yes, it is true BUT…what if we all change? What if something that You found attracted to was mainly the aspects that you felt attracted because of all the wrong things inside of You? For example, You were attracted because You were insecure, wanted someone very stable, conservative, traditional & so on but as You get peace with yourself & discover who You really are and what it is You are really attracted to…so what then? The main characteristics I was attracted to my husband are of so little importance nowadays when I am no longer insecure, afraid, not loving myself ect…but these factors still constitute the biggest part of his Unique Self…then all these aspects are of course still important but they alone are not enough to fuel the passion. Love, Friendship, Loyalty – YES! but faster beating of the heart -…hardly…just sharing my thoughts. It is always a choice and we make it: I choose love but spending all my life with the person whom I would have never beed attracted if I was myself 15 years ago…it is a very very complicated decision.

    • James Bauer said:

      Yes, Anna. You’re right. After investing in a relationship for many years, love is only one of the many considerations. Who you choose to be, your values, and the legacy of impact you want to leave on the lives of other people are equally powerful considerations.

  14. Carmen said:

    Hi James,

    thank you for this article. Your blog is a delight to read, and I appreciate the thoughtful advice you give.
    I have a question as to whether a woman can compliment her man too much.
    I tell my man every day that I love him, and hardly a day goes by without me noticing how hard he works, what a wonderful person he is, or just how handsome he is.
    He also responds, and he also expresses appreciation, only more rarely.
    The thing is, I’m in my mid-30s, have been in several 4-5 year relationships before; those ranged from frustrating to abusive/disastrous; and I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing, every positive feature in the man I am with. Now for the first time in my life, I found someone who is loving, caring, serious, has a moral spine, is beautiful inside and out… And none of that is a given. And so I’m expressing my thankfulness.
    My grandma used to say the woman should play cold to her husband from time to time just to keep his interest alive. I’ve always thought this was an emotional nightmare scenario.
    Now, my excessive complimenting doesn’t seem to hurt the relationship in any way that I can see (3 years, getting married soon). But I still ask myself sometimes: am I overdoing it? Will it dampen his interest over time, will he take us for granted one day? Should I tone it down?
    Was grandma in any possible sense “right”?

    Thank you James.

    • James Bauer said:

      Great question, Carmen. I think there’s something worth considering in the points you bring up here. If your man brings you flowers every Tuesday and Thursday on an endless cycle, the delight of receiving those flowers fades over time. It just becomes a routine. But you don’t want to err on the other side where you never bring flowers, so what’s the solution?

      Research from the field of behavioral reinforcement shows that both humans and animals are more highly motivated by reinforcements that arrive on and intermittent, seemingly random interval in response to a desired behavior. In other words, the casinos have figured out that there is an ideal ratio of when to spit out a few coins to keep you interested and excited as you continue to play on their slot machine, and when to withhold the reward. The key thing is that it has to seem random. That may not make sense on a logical level, but it’s been found to be true. He will appreciate your comments more if you sometimes give them and sometimes don’t.

      On the other hand, acting cold is never a good idea. If you feel a need to pull back so he can chase a little, pull back by pursuing life to the fullest in ways that don’t include him as much. But never act cold.

  15. Diana said:

    Hi James,
    this article almost made me cry! Thank you so much! I’m in love with a man who is also in love with me, but who doesn’t want to commit completely and promise me his faithfulness.I know for sure he isn’t cheating on me during this one year together, but it could happen, because he just can’t bind himself absolutely. It’s a long story.. I’m thinking of breaking up with him many times when I imagine him meeting and flirting with other women and I feel jealous. But as soon I remember his good qualities, on everything what made me fall in love with him so crazy, I just can’t give up what we have. He is very caring and attentive, he gives me the feeling I’m a very special woman, he is supportive, he is eager to help me, to be there for me, to make me smile, to see me happy and he desires me like at the begin. And he brings up my better me. So when I focus myself on his good and charming qualities, on all the passion and excitement he is offering to me, on the intoxicating feeling of being so young and alive since I love him, his fear of commitment and absolute exclusivity aren’t so important anymore. He is my muse, our passion is inspiring me at my work as an author and he is enreaching my life a lot. So instead of being disturbed and worried about the full commitment which he doesn’t give me, I think of his many wonderful qualities as a person and my love for him overcomes his flaws. Of course I would like to have a perfect relationship with a 100% faithfulness-guarantee, but is it realistic to dream about a man, who can fulfil all my expectations and needs? I’m not a perfect woman neither ..

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Diana. I’m glad you found wisdom in my article. This is certainly an issue with two sides to the coin. Only you can decide how to invest your time and emotions with a man who does not promise to build a future with you.

      It might help you make a decision if you first consider why he is not ready for commitment. If it is a temporary reason, then stick with him because he is making you very happy. If it is a permanent reason you should seriously consider that there are indeed men who can make you feel loved AND commit to building that love exclusively with you.

      James

      • Diana said:

        James, thank you for your kind reply! We talked about this issue few times and I know his reasons- his girlfriend broke his heart and he needed few years to recover, so he is still afraid of getting hurt again. But he also told me, after one year with me he trusts me like he didn’t trust any other woman during the last 10 years. His second, main reason is his career, which demands from him huge flexibility ( he is an actor and freelancer), so if he feels bound and committed to a woman, he could hesitate to accept an offer for a job far away from our city and miss his chances. we both don’t believe in long distance relationships, so this would mean an end of our relationship. He wants to establish himself first and to build a stable foundation after many years of insecurity and unsteady jobs, then he will feel free and ready to share his life with a woman. He even told me, I am probably his perfect soul mate, but our timing is unfortunately wrong. I know he loves me, but he is following his professional goals very straight and is willing to make sacrifices. So at the end, I have to make a decision, which is almost impossible for me, it’s breaking my heart to imagine my life without him..

      • Tom Colllins said:

        If a family is your goal you can do one of two things.
        Cut and run if you have body clock time to spare. The risk with this man of many excuses is high risk . Is it his fear of loss as he first said, or now when confronted, is it his career before everything reason? Not encouraging either way….he should have you in the number one position…all else will work out….OR. Live in the moment, enjoy it, but be ready to be empty handed when he feels it’s time to move on..which of course will make you hold back you heart and you have the makings for a self-fulfilling prophecy of..it never stood a chance. The only way this works is if neither of you really cares enough to go all in, else you get hurt. Maybe his personality is actor/freelancer and you are only filling a void in his Peter Pan life. He’s got too many excuses to make leaving you easy at any time he chooses….no commitments. I know a woman who gave up any chance for a family by allowing 3 ten year cycles of this relationship behavior.

  16. Linda said:

    Hi James,
    I have been following your posts for quite some time now. I’m among your “more experienced” followers in that I have grown children, grandkids, divorced after 35 yrs, found love again, was engaged and lost him to fatal heart disease. More time has passed and I continued to absorb your advice and practical guidance. I now share the home of a truly good man who lost his wife 8yrs ago to cancer. Through all these life happenings I have found your writing to be calming, realistic and supportive to my inner sense of the right path for me. I’m not sure how you got so wise but I hope more women, especially young women, take a deep breath and really listen. A relationship = two

    • James Bauer said:

      Linda,

      I really appreciate the time you took to encourage me in my work. Thank you!

      James

  17. Donna said:

    Hi James,
    Thank you so much for this article. I found love again a few years back and last year we decided to live together so we bought a house. The house we had was a little too small and since we still had kids living with us (part-time college student), we felt we needed our privacy so we bought a nice home that fits our new family. Things have been going well, a few adjustments, but overall, I love that we live together. This article was truly what I needed to read and I’m going to go back and read some of your book again. After I came down off the high of being in love again, all these feeling is insecurity started to flow…was doing something wrong…what happened? Is it normal or am I losing the feelings I had for him? It was scary! I learned that this is normal and I need to keep looking for those things I fell in love with…that kind, gentle yet strong man I fell in love with is still there, everyday. I found myself getting a bit critical of my SO and did not want to be “that” person because you are right, negativity just makes men feel like they are being nagged and I don’t want to be that kind of person. I’m glad you helped me learn that this is a normal part of a relationship and what to do about it. Thank you!

    • James Bauer said:

      You’re welcome, Donna. Thanks for the encouraging comments. I’m glad you are making the conscious choice to focus on the positive so you can create the thoughts and actions stemming from beauty on the inside.

      James

  18. Sylvia said:

    Thank you James

    This is very important what you say here.
    I am 43 single mom and still looking for right man, and all your lessons are very wise. I am in love with man I have been in the pasts and just now, we have email contact, I told him what I love about him.
    I know he will run again as he been hurt in the past but I decided to tell him.

    I have just feeling that I am block by my feeling to him, to open for another man and you James helping me to try and try… again. Thank you
    Sylvia

  19. Maria M said:

    I really like this piece. I often read your blog, it is very positive and comes from a beautiful place. So I want to thank you.
    When I separated from my ex-husband three years ago, I started looking online at blogs and websites to help in dating again, understanding men better, and dealing with my pain. I found you among many other love and relationship authors, and you all have helped me to understand so much. James you have such a kindness! It would be easy for me to be continuously bitter about the miserable past relationship, but you have been one awesome guide in helping me keep bringing out the sweetness, keeping positive, keeping growing and learning. I am now in a wonderfully sweet relationship with my future husband, and it feels so much deeper and grounded with a true quest for honesty and daily gratitude. Many thanks, I will be reading!

    • James Bauer said:

      Wow. Thank you, Maria! Your kind words mean so much to me! I’m very happy to hear you have found a good man.

      James

    • Favour Sunday said:

      Thank you very much for your articles. I have practicalised them and they are working for me.

  20. Nancy said:

    YESSS !! Advice to remember and repeat every day. Thank you James, for so clearly stating the thing I feel, just under the surface, and sometimes forget to practice. This is the tonic that makes all “constructive criticism” unnecessary.

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