How to Rekindle His Romantic Interest in You

how to keep the passion going Hey, it’s James again. Here’s day 2 of your 14 day attraction tips course.
It’s just a preview of the kind of advice and insights I offer.

That way, you can make an informed decision about whether or not to stay on my subscriber list.

If you already know you don’t want ideas and relationship insights from me, just click the unsubscribe link at the bottom of any of my emails.

Today I’m going to remind you of something you already know. Something important but easily forgotten. Something that tugs at a man’s heart.

They are the things that make you smile when you think of him. The things that made you fall in love with him.
They were there when you first met him. That’s why you said yes when he asked you out.
They are the things hidden in his heart that you admire, appreciate and trust. It’s a beautiful thing when you first recognize those gems in his character.

Basically, that’s what falling in love is. It’s seeing into another person’s heart and desiring what you find there.

But then you hit a snag.
When we first begin a relationship with someone, we’re attracted to the possibility of what the relationship could become. It’s an exciting new adventure.

As that possibility becomes a reality, it’s intoxicating… for a while. And then the intoxication seems to fade.
Usually, it fades for one person sooner than it does for the other person. And it fades because you get used to the things that initially made your partner seem special.

When that magical feeling becomes an everyday feeling, it’s easy to stop looking for potential in your partner. Instead, you fixate on the ways he’s different from you, the things you don’t like. And you can easily forget all about the things that initially attracted you to him.

In a long-term relationship, it’s normal for the feelings of infatuation to come and go. When feelings of infatuation are low, you stop fixating on the things you find attractive about him. You see him as a normal person. The sense that he’s “perfect” reveals itself to be an illusion.

When that illusion breaks, the magic withers and some relationships die.
If that’s happened to you, I have some good news. Recovering that special connection isn’t all that difficult.

If you want the best relationship possible, in the beginning and for the long-haul, take this advice. Keep on looking for the qualities in him you most enjoy, desire and respect. Finding them once isn’t enough. Trust me, if you don’t keep looking for them, you’ll forget about them.

And then something terrible happens. Problems become the focus of the relationship. And that slowly poisons the magic of your romantic connection.

So never stop looking for what’s good in the relationship, and in him. Search the mind and heart of your partner diligently and often. And when you see something beautiful in him, acknowledge it out loud. Let him know you appreciate him.

When you do that, two things happen.

First, as you rediscover the things in him that resonate with you, you’ll feel the electric excitement of possibility all over again. You’ll feel alive. You’ll feel desire, and you’ll want to follow that feeling on a journey that brings you closer to him again and again.

He’ll sense that positive energy in you and be attracted to it.

And here’s the second thing that will happen.

You’ll also be encouraging him to show you more of the qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Usually, those are the same qualities that make him feel happy and fully alive. So it’s like you bring out the best in him when you look for what you like.

And here’s the magic that seals the deal…

He will like the version of himself that he finds in your presence. And that will make him want to spend more time with you.

how to keep the passion goingYou will essentially reawaken and reinforce the special qualities that cause attraction between the two of you.
If you do this from the beginning of a relationship, you’ll not only keep the flames of passion burning hot, but you’ll build a more solid foundation, as well.

What it comes down to is this. No matter how strong the initial magic feels, loving someone is a choice. So choose to love the best you can find in him. Don’t let frustration or setbacks become the focus of your attention.

Everything you fell in love with is still there, hidden in his heart. Seek it out, and never stop telling him what you find.

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It's something he CRAVES... More than love, more than money, even more than sex.

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139 thoughts on “How to Rekindle His Romantic Interest in You

  1. Divine krsna said:

    Hi James..
    I and my fiance have been living together for a year now and 2yrs in relationship…
    He cheated on mevand lied to me for how many times. Despite of this, I’m still holding on… I tried reconnecting to him, even talked to him but it all did not work..he is still the I really wanted to stay away from him but it is really hard for me to do so because we have a baby..I am an independent woman so I believe I can provide the needs of our baby. But I am thinking of the emotional part. .I am stuck in the middle James…I don’t know what to do…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello, Divine. In a situation like this, it’s very easy to make the mistake of assuming you only have two options.

      Some people find it helpful to write a list of 10 or even 20 options for moving forward toward a life that feels right to you given your practical needs, emotional needs, and your desire to live life fully with the happiness and fun you deserve.

      But now let me also remind you of something else. There’s not much sense in trying to decide on an option until you are very clear about the outcomes that matter to you most. What are your objectives? Write down the objectives you have for a relationship. This will help you to determine whether or not this man is even the right person to pursue as you seek to meet those objectives.

      What do you really, truly want, Divine. Don’t be afraid to go for it, whatever it is.

      Always on your side,

  2. Linda said:

    Hello James,
    We’ve been married for almost 27 years and are in our mid 60’s and have no children. We’re opposites in most ways, but have always had a good time together and have similar interests. So what’s the problem? I wish I had read your material years ago, because although I’ve only gotten to the 6th module of “His Secret Obsession”, I’m seeing several mistakes I’ve made which have contributed to our current situation.

    He has complained about some of my behaviors for years, and would occasionally tell me that he “doesn’t want to live this way”, but then all would seem good for a while, and I “chose” to call his bluff. At some point, we both turned to destructive avoidance behaviors. Friends and alcohol for him, while I focused on work, and food. As we became more distant, I took my frustrations out on him, by deliberately ignoring what he wanted. I should add that he has never liked some of my siblings, and has often made excuses to avoid going to family events, which has made me resentful that I had to go alone and make up excuses for his absence; causing me to sometimes feel isolated. We’ve basically been living as roommates for the past few years. It hasn’t helped that more than one ex girlfriend has reached out to him through the years. One of them has contacted him every few years – usually between her relationships or before committing to one of her 2 husbands. The excuse is that he has the same birthday as one of her brothers, which is why she “just calls to wish him a happy birthday”. She contacted him about 6 months ago and talked to him about her current husbands serious illness, who is in fact dying. (damsel in distress!!!). Meanwhile he had cancer 5 years ago, and I took care of him through some difficult times for him. He recently had surgery on his dominant arm, and he’s reluctantly needed to accept my help.

    He claims he has never been unfaithful (I believe that he has never been physically unfaithful); isn’t planning a future with her (although I pointed out that women don’t check in with an ex once, no less multiple times, unless hoping to catch you available to rekindle something); and hopes we can always be friends, since I’m his “best friend and the love of his life”. He wants a divorce because he’s no longer “in love with me” and wants to enjoy whatever time he has left to live. While splitting up our marriage, he wants to make sure I’ll be taken care of, and even said he hoped I’d still consider keeping the burial plot we had bought together years ago, so that we’d be buried together.

    We’ve both worked on correcting our personal destructive behaviors, but haven’t worked together on our relationship. Ironically, just the week before he told me he won’t be retiring with me (and had apparently made this decision 2 years ago); I told my manager that I would be cutting back, and planning to retire in the Spring so that I could focus on my marriage. We had always talked about retiring to the South, and now all of a sudden, he’s talking about moving to the western state where the ex lives, although she has nothing to do with this decision. I recognize she is just a symptom of bigger issues, but she is clearly filling some of his needs.

    I DO NOT want a divorce, but told him that I’ll start preparing for a future alone, while praying for things to turn around. I also told him that I’d set him free with a civil divorce as a last resort, but that as far as I’m concerned, I’d keep my vows made before God, and in my heart and mind would remain his wife, regardless of what he does. Since he told me, I’ve been vacillating from being angry / to crying (mostly) / wanting to crawl into bed and hope to wake up from a bad dream. My father is in hospice and my mother has early stage dementia. Every time I talk to her, she tells me how happy she is that I met my wonderful husband, and to give him a hug for her. My parents health has contributed to me “dragging my feet” in retiring and moving further away from them; and he has taken this as another sign that he’s not a priority for me. I haven’t spoken to any family members, and only a few close friends, because I don’t want anyone to hold things against him, if we can find a way to repair what we’ve neglected so badly.

    I suggested a separation prior to divorce and he agrees that is a good idea. However, his suggestion for the separation is for him to rent someplace in the state he is currently considering retiring to without me, so that he can explore the area before buying. This all seems logical, except that he has a very interested ex who will likely be a new widow by the time he goes.

    I apologize for the length of this, I just don’t know how to “fight” for our marriage or even if I should at this point. I’ve always been a confident and independent person, who has seldom made him feel special or like a hero. Now that I feel lost and needy, the one person I would have turned to for support, is unavailable to me.

    • James Bauer said:

      This is a great question, Linda, but it’s the kind of question that’s better answered with some back and forth discussion. You can do that on our private (members only) forum. If you’re not already a member of our Irresistible Insiders group, you can learn more about it here:

  3. Sally said:

    I got relationship with him almost 3 years, first 2 years, we were really happy, fall in love and he always feel attractive in me… he always care for me, do a lots of things for me, we built a family together, made a plan for our future, always laugh, never feel bored when we stay together but…. since his dad got stroke, we had lots of things to do, he got stress and went to Bali and…. one of the girl in his friends group in Bali made his feeling changed….. i feel lost cos he said to me that he does love me, he does care for me a lot more than anyone but… hes not happy with me like before….. but hes sure he doesnt love that woman, he just have some weird feelings when he talked to her…. He said that he wanna work out the things with me and dont wanna loose me in his life but i cant understand why he still contact to her as a part of problem of our relationship????? And i know that girl just look at the way he spend money on holiday and want to come to Australia so she trying to reach out to him and she posted on Facebook that she got relationship with him…. he just go to Indonesia 3 days ago he said it for the interview job in Jakarta but i feel that he goes to Bali and spend time with that girl…. i feel stuck, i cant get out of my mind to think abt them….. can u tell me what he mean???? How can he say that he love me, he doesnt want to loose me but he still have the other relationship?

    • Mrs. Bowen said:

      I’m interested in the feedback

  4. Crystal Manion said:

    Hi, I’ve been in a relationship on and off for 6 years. There has been some broken trust by him. And I’ve always forgiven and gone back. I know I love him, but I’m having a hard time trusting him. He has made several changes to his past behavior, mainly not as jealous or controlli g. His words are he isn’t afraid of losing me now, due to past behavior. He has been distant lately due to my instinct that something is off. I’m not sure if it’s this new behavior, or am I being blind by his infidelity. I have insecurities now because of the hurt he caused our relationship. I would love to trust him. But I’m very skeptical. We agreed when we got back together, the past is in the past. But at times I feel a familiar behavior coming back. What to do?

  5. Angela Valerio said:

    Dear James
    I have been in a relationship with someone for a little over five months and I really like him, the problem is that he has disconnected his phone and I have no way of contacting him. He also travels a lot for his business and tends to block everything out so he can finish what he needs to for work what should I do at this point.?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Angela. This is a great opportunity for you to invest in your own irresistible qualities. Since there’s nothing you can do to build the relationship when there’s no communication, you are currently in a waiting period. Or at least, that’s how most people think of it. The reality is, your life is much bigger than any relationship, and the best opportunities to enjoy life and invest in yourself are often during times when you are choosing to wait for strategic reasons (in this case, because you’ve found the guy you really like but he’s not ready for a real relationship yet).

      It also might help to remember that there are lots of other guys out there. Avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. Dating lots of people helps you to feel more confident and also increases the chance that you’ll stumble across a person who wants and needs the same things you want from a relationship right now.

      • NJ said:

        Wow Angela I swear I could have written that, I’m in the same boat

  6. Liz said:

    Hi James,
    I recently started seeing this younger guy. We met briefly when I was visiting a country where he resides. We exchanged phone numbers and started off by texting each other every day. Following this I made a few short visits back to his country to meet and get to know each other better. He also visited me. Currently, I already have a career and am quite busy at that. He is working but also pursuing a higher education which has him very busy too. I am all-in because I really believe despite the age difference that we could have a long lasting relationship. However, he seems to be torn between an ex of his who is trying to win him back and myself coupled with the fact that we live in different places. He has plans for the future which might include him coming to my country to further his studies also. I began to become very frustrated and things seemed to have been getting distant between us until I started to apply the tools from your book His Secret Obsession. Since then he’s been warming back up to me but I worry that the distance will create a better opportunity for his ex to succeed at winning him back. He says he doesn’t feel he loves her any more and professes to love me but he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship with me because he feels it is too soon since we have only known each other about 3 months. I feel so hopeless at times. Do you think it is worth fighting for?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Liz. It’s interesting to read your question, because I see two things here that don’t usually show up at the same time.

      1. Everything is going amazingly well in this new relationship. He says he loves me, plans to move to my country eventually, and doesn’t want to rush things as we get to know each other.

      2. I feel hopeless and scared.

      I certainly don’t intend to make fun of you, but rather to point out this unusual juxtaposition. Sometimes, the more we want something, the more fearful we become of losing it. We may start out with a casual, relaxed way of pursuing something. But once we realize we really, really want it, we attempt to control it because of the fear of losing it. We may even squeeze it so tight that we destroy the very thing we sought to protect.

      In my experience, life generally goes better when we get clear about our desires, and move toward those desires, but with less emphasis on controlling the timing or the exact method by which we achieve those goals. It’s an easier way to go about life and often brings about better and even faster results.

  7. Natalie said:

    I met a wonderful guy again(we initially met 2 yrs. ago) I thought he was so wonderful, kind, affectionate and caring. All qualities in a man, that I’d been looking for. He texted me Good morning Beautiful every morning. He texted me good night, called, kept in constant communication with me. We were spending time together, he cooked me an amazing dinner. He kissed me first, and we seemed to have the most amazing chemistry, attraction and connection that I’ve ever felt. One morning he sent me a text saying he was so sorry, but he wasn’t ready for a relationship. That the person he dated before me, really hurt him and he still had many fractures from his divorce too. I told him I understood and still wanted to be friends. It’s been 5 1/2 weeks since he ended it. But my heart still hurts, aches, is so broken. This whole situation is literally tearing me up with the worst anxiety and upset stomach. I realized, I fell in love with him. But the only time we ever talk is if I reach out to him. Even though he said he wants to be friends, he never reaches out to me. When he texted me, ending it, he told me he was so sorry and never meant to hurt me and he hopes one day I can forgive him. He also told me that I was the most pure woman he’d ever met. I miss him SO much and wish he’d give us a chance. What do I do? I haven’t talked to him in 8 days, and it’s so agonizing.

    • Julie said:

      Natalie, this sounds just like what I am going through…. has anything changed??

  8. Diana Ferguson said:

    My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have a 2 year old son. I have been working full time for the past 5 years to put him through school. Since our son was born he has been providing full time care for him, and attending school online. Admittedly I have not been paying as much attention lately as I used to.
    He recently got back in touch with his 18 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and her mother as well. He suddenly has decided that she is the love of his life and he never really loved me.
    I know this is not true. I think this stems from resentment and loneliness. I know deep down that we are supposed to be together.
    I have been trying to show him how much I appreciate him and his contributions to our household. I have been looking for ways to engage him as a hero.
    The difficulty is that he is so shut down and disengaged, he does very little. He barely speaks to me.
    Are there more creative ideas to engage him with? Maybe some little everyday thing I’m overlooking because that’s no big deal to me, but would be important to him?

    • Tracey said:

      Hi Diana,

      I’m so sorry to hear about the troubles you’re having and I’ve found two reports by James that may help!
      When He Withdraws and Backup Girl.

      Check these out and maybe they can help.

      Best wishes,
      Tracey T.

  9. Dawn said:

    Hello James, I recently broke off a 3 1/2 yr relationship where we lived together and he had children and so did I. I never felt that I was a priority in his life. I felt as though I carried the burden of the home, cleaning, making meals and the kids all while I worked 45 hrs a week from my home office. We moved in together fairly quickly with the said goal of saving to buy a home together and eventually getting married. After 1 yr we broke up for 4 weeks. During that time he bought a home by himself. When we got back together we both moved to that home that he chose. That hurt me and I never got over that. When I started to feel our relationship wasn’t a priority to him I bought a home and left him. Its been 4-5 months and I am healing and growing and learning so much about myself. I am realizing how much I really do love him and my faults that contributed to our downfall. I am at a crossroad of do I take my new knowledge and the new me and move on or is it possible to rekindle what brought us together in the first place? It was a bad break up but we are at least talking to each other now. I believe he truly loved me and I truly love him. So much has happened though.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Dawn. That’s quite a journey you’ve been on, both in terms of the relationship enter personal growth. Thanks for making us a part of that journey.

      I hope your conversations with him bring greater clarity as you contemplate the options before you. Many people find it helpful in situations like this to release control over future outcomes and instead just focus on what feels right today, one baby step at a time.

      Amy Waterman’s book, the pleasure principle, can really help you absorb that mindset.

  10. Holly said:

    Hi James. I met a guy in March, we hit it off really fast and the first month was so amazing, he invited me to meet all his close friends and family then he told me he wasnt planning on dating anyone and really likes me but doesn’t know what he wants to do..i told him i like what we had and we continued the relationship we had but i did pull back a bit when we were in public because i was so confused with why he would kiss me infront of all his friends and family but then say he doesnt know what he wants..i then broke my ankle in may and he was my life saver..he did anything and everything for me..he saved me..i would have gone crazy without him which i told him often. I felt like i had found the man i had been looking for my whole life.( something i left out, i have 2 kids 10 and 8. He has 2 kids 3 and 2yrs.). Makes spending time hard..but we both understand and make it work..he invited me to all his ball games and tournaments when my foot was broken..was intimate infront of people and then i got my cast off.and it seemed to me that he was getting distant.. he didn’t invite me to ball as often, he stopped asking me to go camping, ( which we went almost every weekend), he stopped kissing me in public. He would still invite me over for dinner here and there and ask me to watch ball but it slowed a lot….now from reading the first part of your book i realized that after i got my cast off i began doing things myself like i have for 6 yrs being a single mom…another thing i should throw in..i have a hard time letting people buy me things or getting better but i almost always fight people on it..him to be one…i know i need to “let him be a man” and ask for help more often but what im scared to do or don’t know how to do is approach him on where my feelings are..without scaring him..i loved where we were and i felt home in that time. A bit more info..ive been separated for 6 yrs and him 1 as of this month. .im trying to give him his freedom but trying to be affectionate when im around so scared im going to lose him and his there a good question you think i could open a good convo with about where we should go next??..or should i just leave it as it is?? Please help me not feel so crazy

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Holly. Nice job activating his hero instinct! Ok, so maybe your broken ankle did that for you, but it seems he’s the kind of guy who responds powerfully to that instinct, even when he has convinced himself that he needs to “figure out what he wants” before enjoying time together with someone he likes.

      When men are not sure they should be dating due to uncertainty about what they want, that’s the last time you want to invite him in to a convo about where things are going and whether you might both get on the same page about what the relationship means to him. Why? Because it will bring up the guilt he already feels about leading you on when he thinks maybe he’s not ready to be in a relationship.

      Eventually, you’ll need to decide if this relationship is meeting your needs or not. When you get to that point, these are some additional thoughts you might consider regarding your own level of commitment.

    • Shanaz said:

      I had a relationship with the guy after my divorce and he seemed like a very kind and loving man. I met him to take some singing lessons and he asked me how I found him. I told him all about myself; what I did, how many kids I have etc..
      After he found out that I am divorced he showed interest in me. He is 4 years younger and has never been married. I have 3 kids and my oldest just went to college. In our culture this is a big gap but he said he wants to stay with me and he loves everything about me.

      In the beginning I had lots of fear of judgment from friends and family and kept saying let’s don’t see each other again but he says he loves me and…
      Then as soon as I told him I loved him and I want to stay in that relationship, he started acting like he is so busy and have so much to do and….
      Stop texting me and calling and even answering his phone. When I leave a message he doesn’t return the call for days and as soon as he calls or text he says he has to go and he is tired and finally for no reason he cut me off and block me on his Facebook with no explanation.
      Never call or text me again….
      I don’t know what I did wrong, Maybe I shouldn’t have told him I loved him back…

  11. Anonymous said:

    Hi James,

    I’ve got a real challenging situation. There’s a man that I have something special in my heart for, but he just seems so difficult to get through to. I went to high school with him, but shortly after high he moved out of state. We barely spoke in high school to be honest but he reached out to me a couple times online and we’ve talked so much ever since. We talk almost daily but 90% of the time I reach out now. It’s becoming tiring but I don’t want to just drop him completely and move forward. I feel he’s got a lot to offer a woman. He’s told me he’s been hurt badly before and has had “issues” since. I asked him at one point to attend a wedding with me. He agreed until the last minute and backed out on me with real lame apology for it. Some days he’s my hero when I need him. He’s there if I need to call him but I can’t tell if he’s into me or not. I feel he’s more than likely not but I need to get answers so I can stop driving myself crazy about it. I really want him to be mine but feel I’m in some sort of “beggar mode” most nights. It’s frustrating! Please help me with this situation, I’m exhausted of it all.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi! This is a very in-depth question, perfect for the private forum available in the new members area.

  12. Shanna said:

    I have known a guy for about 14yrs now and we are really close friends, been through a lot w/ each other over those yrs. Over the yrs things have been indicated on both sides that there is more feelings there than “just friends” but it’s almost like he’s not sure what to do w/ them if he thinks about it. When I saw him in May he told me he didn’t realize how much he missed me until he saw me again… so my question how do I go about getting out of the dreaded “friend zone” since we do have such a long history as friends, so he has a chance to see me as “more.”

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Shanna, I can see why you’d like to give this friendship a chance to grow into something more. Here’s a special report we created for that exact situation. It’s called From Friend Zone to Hot Romance, and you can click here to get it.

  13. Mels said:

    Met a man in early Feb and things were going fantastic until he was hit with 2 sudden deaths in his family (person who raised him and other he was 2nd most close to) a couple days apart. One was a complete shock cause the person and family lied about extent of condition and got call out of blue she had died. The next month or so was very rocky because his family is across the country from where we are and he thought he might have to move back there (and he said he didn’t do long distance relationships). He is not moving now, but he has said this has emotionally taxed him to the extreme and he said he “just wants to disconnect from everything.” But still wants to hear from me which I also said I want him to check in with me so I don’t worry. For the past month we’ve been in this holding pattern. I’ll text every day or so, He’ll check messages a couple times a week and I’ll hear from him about once a week. We’re supposed to go on a date this weekend. But I haven’t heard anything since Sunday. He’s really special to me, but I am not sure who to deal with grief and men pulling away. No things seem to really address this. He has said it is not me, but him and his emotions, lack of them in certain areas, etc. It sure would be great if dating coaches out there dealt with personal tragedy and what to do.

    • Allison said:

      I agree. I experienced a similar situation where his mom died suddenly of cancer/she had six weeks/lived far away/ so many issues….After losing the person that I loved, I’ve learned that there comes a time when it is important to stop grieving and start living again…if not you get stuck in a “feeling sorry for him” and being quiet/humble mode….which he will interpret negatively…

  14. Karen said:

    These things seem like what I should know, but the fact that you bring out these simple truths helps me going into a possible relationship for the first time in many years!! Thank you!

    • James Bauer said:

      You’re welcom, Karen. Thanks for being a part of our learning community.

  15. Annice said:

    Hi James my name is Annice, I have kind of a unique problem my boyfriend and Robert everything was going great and then his son passed away from overdose. My sister had passed away almost 1 year to the day before hand and I had a lot of problems dimming with it and still having problems dealing with it he forgot her one year anniversary death date and I voted because it was so hard for me to believe that I have been there for him for 3 weeks and he forgot about that date and he went out and had drinks with his sons X roommate which was a female we haven’t seen or spoken in person since everything is been in text messages I really didn’t realize I care this much about him until now. How do I get us talking face to face again and moving on with our relationship what can I say to him to get him to forgive me and move on

    • James Bauer said:

      HI Annice. Does that mean you already tried to reach out to him and acknowledge the way all this stress pushed you apart, and then ask to see him? Did he say no? Or just fail to respond? This situation might be good to tackle in the private forum.

  16. Anonymous said:

    Struggling through a relationship. I was so deeply in love with a man for 6 years. I saw myself growing old with him. We worked together and had an amazing relationship so I thought. I found out he had cheated on me with a few different woman plus who I thought was my best friend. I started seeing a counsler to get through the hurt. We had struggles with different things. Like my parents who were crushed by what he did to me and didn’t want to be around him. So he wasn’t welcome at my parents home. Which he blamed on me. He told me sleeping with other women was cause he was mad at me, it ment nothing but sex. We had a great sex life so I was beyond shocked that he was with others.
    He must have started seeing someone cause he started pulling away, looking back I see it all happening. Then he sent me a “dear John” text on Valentine’s Day. Then called me to tell me how happy he was in this new relationship and there was no comparison between her and I.
    He was my best friend and lover. My world has fallen apart. I don’t sleep or function. He has gone dark on me and I don’t reach out to him. Everyone says he will come back after this relationship falls apart. I have friends and family that hate him for all the hurt I’m going through. Yet, I just want him to come back. I have no self esteem left in my body which is far from who I am. I want to know what to say to him, to know he should be with me. I struggle daily wondering if I cross his mind. He’s on my mind 24/7.
    What do I do? I know the trust will not be there for awhile if he does come back. I just miss my best friend and lover. I thought I could fix him, where now I’m trying to fix myself.
    Please, any help or suggestions I will take.
    Thank you!

    • Lorie said:

      I know this site is all about hanging on to the relationship you have, but truly you need to know when to hold them and know when to walk away… and it sounds like you have co-dependency issues. Seek out a support group and if you don’t… you will know that you do have a backbone and you do respect yourself to demand integrity in your relationship. The family, your friends and god forbid if there are children involved will always treat him like the man who hurts you even if you make up. That is a very hard foundation to build a good relationship upon. Ask yourself if you should not take these lessons you have learned and your dignity and apply it to a new relationship that you can build on trust.

  17. Wendy said:

    I’m dealing with a man who I love very much, but I believe him to be bipolar and very hard to deal with at times. On one hand he’s the most loving and caring person, then you got the other hand when he can be very mean with his actions and his words. Nothing physical, just a very hot-headed German. And I don’t believe he’s ever really been in love with someone. I know he loves me, but I’m afraid I’m loosing the relationship we had. Please help me get back into his heart and help me to understand how to keep my relationship exciting and how can I put my love back into his heart and become #1 with him again.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey, Wendy. Maybe you should join our private forum where relationship coaches can help you tackle questions like these.

  18. anonymous said:

    I met him in FEB 2018 and had 2 wonderful months together. He had to go back to his country where he has been for the past 2 months. We text every day, he really wants to come back here and establish himself but he is waiting on his passport to be renewed and the government in his country is awful so it might take a while for him to comeback. I know that I have to be realistic but it is really hard. He seems more and more distant or I might be overreacting to his situation because he is in a bad one. He hurt his back and has been in therapy for a month, very hard to find food and meds in his country. I encourage him every time we text and show him how important he is to me but sometimes, the text is just read but no answer from him. I don’t know what to think or do and I don’t want to pressure him (he is 35 and I am 46). Is it a dead end between us?

  19. Anonymous said:

    Thank you James. You are the Best! Diana

  20. Dianna said:

    Dear James –

    I’ve been in a passive aggressive relationship for almost three years – it came to light slowly – I had almost thought I was going crazy or I was over reacting until I did my research. He is a great person underneath all of what passive aggressive behavior can do to a person, its just tangled him all up.- I walked away – he’s let me go with no fight- I do know and I have expressed this to him that we were meant to be and I believe it truly, not with stars in my eyes or arrows and cupids, I just know. We are in our 50’s and i am secure enough to know I will not accept anything less than what I or anyone truly deserves, but he is my best friend, and I’m letting him go and I am not sure how to get him back, and to get him back with a new start, for the both of us, with understanding, empathy and accountability. Passive aggressive people are a handful.

    • James Bauer said:

      Reading your words, it just feels like you must be a very courageous person. You have the courage to love deeply, but also the courage to walk away when you know it’s necessary to maintain healthy boundaries.

      It certainly is difficult to deal with passive-aggressive people. In my experience, they sometimes are so much in the habit that they don’t even realize they are doing it. And it’s an embarrassing thing to admit to yourself when you realize you are doing it. So it likely will be a long road, and success will require open communication about the problem over an extended period of time.

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