There’s a trick to being happy in dating.
Actually, this trick works for any relationship at any stage. You can use it with your family, friends, coworkers, boss, and yes, your partner. If you learn how to do this one thing, I can promise you every relationship in your life will be better.
But there’s a catch.
It’s a bit counter-intuitive. Enough so that you may disagree with me when I tell you. All I ask is that you give me the rest of this article. I think you’ll come around.
So what is this trick? Simple. Be selfish.
We tend to think of “selfish” as a bad word. Sure, caring only about yourself isn’t good. But sometimes we go too far in the other direction, forgetting to do enough for ourselves.
You need to make it a point to take care of yourself. And part of taking care of yourself is tending to your own happiness. You’re the only person who can do that.
In fact, being happy in your current relationship starts inside of you.
Do you know what you want and need from a relationship? If you don’t, take a few minutes to think about it. It may even help to make a list.
What is it about a romantic connection that leaves you feeling fulfilled?
When you can answer that question, you’re ready to get selfish with your guy. How do you do that? By letting him know what works for you and what doesn’t.[i]
But first, a word of warning. Negative re-enforcement doesn’t work very well in relationships. It’s way more effective to praise him when he’s done something you like than it is to complain when he misses the mark.
To get the most bang for your selfish buck, focus on what works.
Celebrate every act of kindness and romance. That’s going to look a little different for every woman. For some, getting a bouquet of flowers at work is epic. Others may want their man to join them in an activity they enjoy. And all of us, guys and girls, want to know our partners are willing to listen to us when we’ve had a bad day.
The specifics don’t really matter. What matters is knowing what you want.
When he does something that’s especially meaningful to you, let him know. Make a big deal out of it. Leave no doubt in his mind that he knocked it out of the park.
You get what you want from your man. He gets to hear about how he nailed it. It’s a textbook win-win.
All because you were selfish.
Happiness in any relationship starts with knowing what you want. From there, pair your self-knowledge with good old-fashioned positive re-enforcement. Shower him with compliments every single time he makes you feel special.
Master the art of being selfish in your dating relationship. When you do, you and your guy will both come out ahead.
[i] Coche, Judith, Ph.D. “Do You Know Any Emotionally Fit Couples?” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, LLC, 25 Apr. 2016. Web. 12 May 2016.
I have tried everything I think after 30 years it’s time to wave the flag I have always been a supporting cast always praising him whether he is right or wrong. I’m tired of the self pity and the pity parties. I love him we have been together a life time but I think it’s time for me to move on with my life. It hurts and deep down I believe he does still love me but I can be wrong it could just be the customary of all the years we were together. We tried a separation last year for 3 months he dated I dated but he cant get past that I dated I believe he thinks only he can do whatever and I have to sit home and wait. I believe hes cheating but i have no proof I’m so devastated I dnt know whether to fight or run
Hi there,
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. Before I met him, I was in a four year relationship where I ended it because I couldn’t see a future with him. He was kind and attentive, he put me on a pedestal where we never fought and I always got everything that I wanted. He was very affectionate to me, where I wasn’t feeling affectionate because I felt like we just didn’t fit.
I then met my current boyfriend and I have never wanted to be so touchy and lovey with a bf before. That’s great! Only thing, I am used to getting constant attention and praise from my past bf. My current one doesn’t overly like to kiss or be touchy. We have great chemistry, don’t get me wrong and I know that he cares for me (he does acts of service to show this and he has told me that he loves me). However, He has a very sarcastic sense of humour and I feel like when he is sarcastic with me all the time it hurts my feelings. He doesn’t overly open up about how he cares about me, so I feel hurt when I only get the sarcastic side. I feel very sensitive and I tried explaining this to him. He feels that I take offence to everything that he says. He says that I really see things differently and that he feels like we don’t have to be always touching and saying sweet things to know how we feel about each other.
So my question is- Am I being too sensitive? It seems like our relationship is just crumbling. This is the only thing that we fight about. Is there a way to shift my thinking so that I can see things his way and take notice that he does care and try to not take offence? Or, is there a way to try to explain it again even though we have talked in circles? Please help!
Hey Jocelyn. The best relationships involve compromise when there are communication differences like this.
He likely grew up in a family that uses sarcasm and giving each other a hard time as a way of normal interaction. I’m guessing you formed your primary relationships early in life with people who used words of affirmation to convey feelings of affection, while being earnest and respectful, possibly even avoiding conflict more than most families do.
This can be a tricky match. But it’s not hopeless. Start by seeing if he is willing to compromise a little bit. Even a small improvement would help. If you work on compromising a little bit and he works on compromising a little bit, the change may be enough to raise your satisfaction with this relationship.
His compromise might be to give you permission to say one word to signal to him any time you felt “pushed away” by a sarcastic comment. That way he becomes aware that he’s doing it (and you don’t have to discuss it or fight about it). Often, awareness is enough to change a bad habit. Like when my dentist told me he was using “awareness therapy” to get me to stop clenching my teeth.
Your part of the compromise is to read some books by Albert Ellis. Read his book “A Guide to Rational Living.” You’ll find his instruction useful for decreasing your sensitivity. Hope this helps!
James
Dear James,
I am reading your articles of all topics about a month, since my relationship with the guy I was dating exclusively started falling apart. I need your personal advice and help in my case. It is very difficult to discuss on a public site. Please send me e-mail and the information, where I can find a private way to contact you. I understand it may cost me money to pay, but I agree, since my situation is getting worse, but I do not want to lose this guy.
Thank you for all your support,
Lana.
Hi Lana. You can submit your question to one of my hand-picked relationship coaches here.
James