Your Crush: “She’s Just So Refreshing.”

How to be RefreshingAngie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.

I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.

In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”

This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.

We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!

The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.

Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality.

So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.

The new belief went like this: “I fully accept all the love and joy I experience because of my open embrace of a man who truly knows how to make my heart sing.”

This was a very personal affirmation for Angie. There is deep personal meaning in the particular words she chose. But it contains a general theme that’s helpful for many women. A positive expectation for something truly worthwhile.

In fact, that affirmation embodies one of the themes you will find in much of my advice about men, dating, and even yourself. Expect the best, demand the best, embrace the best, and you will get the best out of men and your relationships with them. It’s not just a catchy theme. It’s a rock solid foundation for real life results.

But I need to warn you about something.

I encourage you to give deeply of yourself in relationships. I encourage you to find special ways of demonstrating respect to bring out the best in the men you meet. But there is a warning that must go along with these positive expectations and selfless expressions of love:

Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.

I wish I did not need to write this particular email, but this is a twin truth that forms the whole. There are men that are not your equal. There are men that do not deserve you.

It is important to me that you recognize this and that you recognize your authority and right to take all measures necessary to release yourself from interaction with toxic men.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that is abusive, bring the full power of your mind to the immediate first step of leaving that relationship behind.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that threatens or uses fear of any kind to manipulate you, no amount of respect will make that relationship into a good one.

Here is the message I want to make clear. The respect principle is a tool to empower you , as a woman, to bring out the very best in a man and cause him to feel attracted to you. But it has no place in a relationship with a man who does not intrinsically desire to reciprocate that respect.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me call your attention to your own affirmations. I want to encourage you to fully commit to finding a partner who can join you in creating lasting love and happiness. That kind of commitment can be difficult if you have had negative experiences with men in the past.

In the end, a commitment stems from a solid decision about what you want to pursue with your life. As such, your commitments are powerful shapers of your future.

A commitment is a promise to take action. The action of bringing your attention back to the decisions you made for your life over and over again. A commitment means sticking with your decision even in the face of disappointments.

What decisions have you made about the kind of relationship you will be a part of? Have you made a choice yet? Have you committed in your heart and mind to pursue the very best kind of relationship?

Your commitments will serve as protection against false relationships. And they will create powerful magnetic attraction with the right kind of man you truly desire. Make your commitments strong.

James


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8 thoughts on “Your Crush: “She’s Just So Refreshing.”

  1. Ludah Gaabinelwe said:

    this is real and we nomally feed our wolfs with bad emotions. I have to change
    and refresh

  2. Joan said:

    A very refreshing post! A good reminder that when we manage our thoughts and choose words from happy, positive emotions we not only keep ourselves refreshed, but are refreshing to others as well. A win win!

  3. Linda said:

    Just remember to always keep yourself refreshed

  4. Margaret Nelson said:

    “What a man sees in the world is what he carries in his heart.” Saw this quote from someone on a plaque for sale, and was utterly charmed by it. Did not buy it – I am not “a man”. Let’s not encourage sexist language, but the thought is priceless.

  5. Lexi said:

    Love this! I try to be positive, always, but sometimes I need a reminder! I am very empathetic and I like your idea of bringing positivity to someone instead of focusing on the negative. Well done, James!

    • James Bauer said:

      Thanks, Lexi. 🙂

  6. Maria said:

    Thank you, James. I needed to hear this, especially the line:
    “Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.”
    I’m going to repeat that to myself.
    Thanks again and all my best,
    Maria

  7. DGomez said:

    This is so powerful. Thank you for this helpful reminder. Filing this one away for future reference. I’m jumping back into the dating scene after over 10 years. I so needed to read this. Happy New Year to you and your family James! Keep the excellent articles coming in 2017!

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