Your Crush: “She’s Just So Refreshing.”

creating a lasting relationshipAngie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.

I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.

In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”

This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.

We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!

The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.

Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality.

So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.

The new belief went like this: “I fully accept all the love and joy I experience because of my open embrace of a man who truly knows how to make my heart sing.”

This was a very personal affirmation for Angie. There is deep personal meaning in the particular words she chose. But it contains a general theme that’s helpful for many women. A positive expectation for something truly worthwhile.

In fact, that affirmation embodies one of the themes you will find in much of my advice about men, dating, and even yourself. Expect the best, demand the best, embrace the best, and you will get the best out of men and your relationships with them. It’s not just a catchy theme. It’s a rock solid foundation for real life results.

But I need to warn you about something.

I encourage you to give deeply of yourself in relationships. I encourage you to find special ways of demonstrating respect to bring out the best in the men you meet. But there is a warning that must go along with these positive expectations and selfless expressions of love:

Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.

I wish I did not need to write this particular email, but this is a twin truth that forms the whole. There are men that are not your equal. There are men that do not deserve you.

It is important to me that you recognize this and that you recognize your authority and right to take all measures necessary to release yourself from interaction with toxic men.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that is abusive, bring the full power of your mind to the immediate first step of leaving that relationship behind.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that threatens or uses fear of any kind to manipulate you, no amount of respect will make that relationship into a good one.

Here is the message I want to make clear. The respect principle is a tool to empower you , as a woman, to bring out the very best in a man and cause him to feel attracted to you. But it has no place in a relationship with a man who does not intrinsically desire to reciprocate that respect.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me call your attention to your own affirmations. I want to encourage you to fully commit to finding a partner who can join you in creating lasting love and happiness. That kind of commitment can be difficult if you have had negative experiences with men in the past.

In the end, a commitment stems from a solid decision about what you want to pursue with your life. As such, your commitments are powerful shapers of your future.

creating a lasting relationshipA commitment is a promise to take action. The action of bringing your attention back to the decisions you made for your life over and over again. A commitment means sticking with your decision even in the face of disappointments.

What decisions have you made about the kind of relationship you will be a part of? Have you made a choice yet? Have you committed in your heart and mind to pursue the very best kind of relationship?

Your commitments will serve as protection against false relationships. And they will create powerful magnetic attraction with the right kind of man you truly desire. Make your commitments strong.


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16 thoughts on “Your Crush: “She’s Just So Refreshing.”

  1. Elizabeth said:

    Thanks for this post James,
    I had a relationship where there was such profound connection – it was all very fast and furious. He made big promises at the beginning, declaring commitment very early on. He tended to limit our contact on the phone and face to face which opened the door for miscommunication via text. We eventually ended, not even with closure really, because he just walked away (after giving so much verbal commitment). We recently ran into each other by chance. We had a good chat and he asked me to text him if “I wanted to go for coffee”. I told him I would leave that in his court as he communicated very clearly that he was done. He hugged me when we said goodbye and all of the physical chemistry between us come flooding back! A couple days later he started texting again. I have been very brief in my answers (which is very opposite to how I was last time), as I don’t want to build a relationship on text. He has yet to ask me for coffee. I do not want to ask him, as it is not really clear that he wants to go, and I can’t figure out if this guy can’t do endings and is not that into me, or if he really thinks we can build a relationship on text. I don’t know what to do! I am trying to be positive in my texts, however, they are so brief, they do not really foster any sort of connection. I don’t want to find myself with a virtual relationship again, with someone who does not prioritize face to face connection or even phone calls. All of my friends think I made things too easy for him, and he has shown his true colors (as a runner) and I should just walk away – that he is a gaslighter… but that connection! I would love your thoughts on how I might proceed.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Elizabeth. Many people have fallen into the trap of thinking they can have real relationships via nothing but text. But that’s a relationship with a phone, not a person.

      I wonder what would happen if you told him you’re only looking for a real-life relationship and you believe the only way to build that is in person.

      • Marlene C Slaght said:

        Yep. That’s the ticket 😎

  2. Maria DePalma said:

    I never thought I’d fall in love again and so for eight years I just put that emotion aside after a 15 year relationship went sour. I just had spent all the love I had in me on one man…or so I thought…until one day last December I walked into an office for a meeting that resulted in me questioning myself. But it was during the second meeting with this man that I couldn’t stop my heart from beginning to feel again…and it really scared me. It was the last thing on my mind the day I met “him”…the very last thing, if not at all. His smile and his words were really heart melting in a way I never thought I’d feel…and over the past 10 months my heart became full of the most profound feeling I’ve ever had for a man. Problem is he is a doctor…a surgeon who has since operated on me twice…I felt as if I knew him forever although there is a 20 year difference in our ages…me being the older one but age actually had nothing to do with reality at all…I learned that years ago….it is not someone’s age you fall in love, or their body structure, or their height or the color of their hair and eyes…it’s their soul, their aura…that wraps around your heart. I have dropped enough seeds to let him know that I am attracted to him without making a fool out of myself…although for this guy I might just not mind making a fool out of myself…that is how much I respect him and feel about him. I have written him little notes (all hand written on my signature stationary because I dislike tweets and emails when it comes to personally putting yourself out there and showing respect). I have not expected him to respond in kind although if I request him to call me he has done so but the conversation is always about medicinal issues concerning my operations and side effects thereof.or for direction of some sort from him that I was in need of. I would like to know if ethics is what may be holding him back from taking this to another level and if so, I respect that as well and have been careful as to my behavior while in his office and at the hospital. I would never want to do anything to jeopardize his standing the in the medical community as he is superior in is craft. I have observed him enough to conclude that while he is secure about his ability as a physician…I think he is extremely shy when it comes to his feelings…Oh, he can fool around on the surface with a lot of people….but when it comes to me he can’t even say my name…he just stares at me and points when he wants my attention…I have often felt that we are communicating with each other without words…I am now at a stand-still as to how to bring him out of his “Greens” and into my arena…he has said that I would need further surgeries because this condition can affect other areas…although not life threatening, I wonder if he is holding back because he is still thinking of me as his patient besides anything else he is masking. From what I have read the medical organizations frown upon doctor/patient relationships beyond the examining room , etc. which could result in one losing their license…I’d never want that to happen to him ever. But there has been enough body language that just screams he is into me as I am into him…but again, I have run out of reasons to contact him except for a recent accident that caused me to experience my first broken rib…I dropped him a note saying that I wished it were my hand or fingers instead of a rib because I know he would make it all better faster as this broken rib is now in it’s 5th week of healing and I must be very careful of my movements or it begins to stab me again and again. I gave him two thank you gifts that I thought were appropriate…although he never called me to acknowledge them…he ultimately did in his own time and in his won way…very much like a shy little boy would…he waited until he saw me again as I sat in a room awaiting my second surgery …he walked by me and gently brushed his hand over one of my slippers and turned his head towards me and quietly said “thank you”…he was surrounded by other medical personnel and was trying to be discreet…I never even expected him to say anything at all….the second thank you gift I gave him while he was removing the stitches from my second surgery he thanked me for although he didn’t open it in front of me. One month later I contacted him to ask him about something topical I could use to minimize the sensitivity in the area of the surgery….his first words were “thank you ….that was so cool” referring to the gift I’d given him…it took me by surprise as did the first time he acknowledged the first gift…again I did not expect him to say anything at all…nor did I give him those things for him to feel obligated to say anything to me at all about them because he honestly deserved to me recognized and appreciated for helping me feel better. I proceeded to explain that I designed this 2nd gift and again he said “so cool.” The reason why I explained that to him ws because when he took the time to face me alone he asked if I had designed the first gift…so I thought he’d like to know that this time I did actually design this one. I was surprised how he just blurted out the “thank you” as if no time had passed between us and that is actually how it has been all through this process of surgeries he has performed on me….months could go by and it is as if no time has passed…and I never feel a if I have to speak or say anything of make conversation with him when we are alone…it just is not necessary that is how much I feel that we totally understand what is going on between us. Now, I have no reason to contact him further unless my condition presents itself in a another area as he had suggested it would. I have decided to leave this to a higher power to decide how and when we shall meet again and what the ultimate outcome will be….I know that for the first time in my life I know what it is to truly be in love with someone in a calm…beautiful manner that I never thought or anticipated would happen for me as in the past falling in love was always painful…this time is was filled with elation, hope and understanding. Those profound feelings continue to evolve and I am thankful they have. Respect and honor have become so important to me outweighing all other material things in a relationship…the more wisdom I have acquired the more insightful I am about myself and others I interact with. In closing all I can say is my heart has a mind of its own…I am just the vehicle that carries it around…it will stay stuck on whomever it chooses until it feels it needs to. Right now I have the feeling that the need to love this person and this person’s need to be loved will outweigh negativity and that one day we will finally acknowledge it together.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Maria. You are a true romantic! And that’s wonderful, though it can sometimes get you in trouble (when you let your heart lead you down a path that maybe your logic tells you is not so wise. I believe you are correct about medical professional ethics in a situation like this. Unless he chooses to specifically refer you to another physician in order to clearly remove himself from your care team, it seems he would put himself in an unacceptable position with his medical colleagues who all agree to follow a certain code of ethical behavior.

      Your heart doesn’t care about any of that, and maybe his doesn’t either, but it sounds like if he does have reciprocal romantic feelings toward you, he is choosing to let his mind and professional goals win out over the natural feelings that may have sparked between you.

      • Maria DePalma said:

        Thank you James for responding I appreciate it. I would never do anything to jeopardize this man’s standing in the medical community. I think you misunderstood me when I said that I totally understood that there would be an ethical situation here I would not expect him to choose me over his medical standing in their medical community. I did state that I was leaving this to a higher power to make the decision whether or not we would ultimately find our way to each other in an appropriate manner. I also stated that my heart is just something I carry around where chooses to land Houma chooses to love is something I have no control over I would never act on anything that would cause anyone to be uncomfortable. if we are meant to at some point be together then I’m leaving in the hands of a higher power to make that decision and do not regret what I felt for this person. I am happy that for the first time in my life I was able to feel something as profound as this as it has been a totally different situation each and every time I was in a relationship that I fell in love ultimately it would either dissipate on its own or there would be hurt involved. I am not hurt I am not disappointed I am glad that I got to know this person and I am thankful that I have a clear enough mind to act appropriately so as not to do any harm to anyone even myself. I have learned and acquired a great deal of wisdom in my life so what happens going forward is out of my hands. Thank you again for responding. and oh yes I am a romantic and I’m very very glad that I am there’s not enough of it in this world.

  3. Paula said:

    I made a commitment 10 years ago when I divorced to stop trying to think my way into a relationship and instead be willing to follow where my heart led and learn from each experience. It has taken me through relationships with men whom I loved but who ultimately were unhealthy for me. It has strengthened me and also shown me the reflection of my own mind’s belief patterns.

  4. Kelsey said:

    Oh my gosh! This is soooo powerful James. Women need to hear this! Thank you for your words! I have been practicing this in my life and I definitely feel more powerful and in more control of my relationships with men and women. We all deserve respect!

  5. DGomez said:

    This is so powerful. Thank you for this helpful reminder. Filing this one away for future reference. I’m jumping back into the dating scene after over 10 years. I so needed to read this. Happy New Year to you and your family James! Keep the excellent articles coming in 2017!

  6. Maria said:

    Thank you, James. I needed to hear this, especially the line:
    “Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.”
    I’m going to repeat that to myself.
    Thanks again and all my best,

  7. Lexi said:

    Love this! I try to be positive, always, but sometimes I need a reminder! I am very empathetic and I like your idea of bringing positivity to someone instead of focusing on the negative. Well done, James!

    • James Bauer said:

      Thanks, Lexi. 🙂

  8. Margaret Nelson said:

    “What a man sees in the world is what he carries in his heart.” Saw this quote from someone on a plaque for sale, and was utterly charmed by it. Did not buy it – I am not “a man”. Let’s not encourage sexist language, but the thought is priceless.

  9. Linda said:

    Just remember to always keep yourself refreshed

  10. Joan said:

    A very refreshing post! A good reminder that when we manage our thoughts and choose words from happy, positive emotions we not only keep ourselves refreshed, but are refreshing to others as well. A win win!

  11. Ludah Gaabinelwe said:

    this is real and we nomally feed our wolfs with bad emotions. I have to change
    and refresh

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