Amanda came to me with an interesting concern.
She was reading romance novels. Nonstop.
And every time she did, she felt like crying. Because her relationship was so far from the love depicted in those pages.
“I wonder if it’s me,” she said. “If I was more amazing, maybe Gary would feel that way about me, too. But then, he’s not exactly a storybook hero himself.”
Amanda and Gary had been together 5 years but had known each other much longer. Amanda loved Gary very much. Being in a long-term relationship suited her. She took great pleasure in looking after Gary and making their life together fun.
But Gary didn’t exactly return the favor.
He was a good man and a hard worker, but romance wasn’t built into him the way it was built into Amanda. He was happy sitting on the sofa chilling out every night. He didn’t really care if they went out or if Amanda made him something special or if she dressed up for him.
“James, I want Gary to treat me like the men in my books treat their women.” Amanda leaned forward. “I know I’m not perfect, but I’m still a catch. Gary should feel lucky to have me, and he doesn’t.” Her mouth set in a stubborn line. “He just plain doesn’t.”
I get this kind of question all the time:
“How can I make my man appreciate me?”
“How can I make him treasure me like he used to?”
I think it’s great that women are asking that question, because it means they’re embracing their own value. They’re seeing their own worth. (I call this the A+ Mindset.)
But I also know what it’s like from a man’s perspective. Not all men know how to be romantic storybook heroes.
“Can I ask you something, Amanda? Does Gary have anything he really values? A friendship or family member, a vehicle, or even his phone?”
Amanda frowned as she thought. “He likes his car. He likes his phone. But they’re more tools to him than anything else. Like, I don’t think he’d care if he had to replace them.”
“How would you say Gary treats the people or things that are most important to him?”
“Casually, I guess? He prides himself on not much mattering to him. He’s easy-going.”
“So, if he treated you casually, it wouldn’t necessarily mean you’re not important to him. It would just mean he’s a casual kind of guy.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But I don’t want him to treat me like that. I want him to treasure me.”
“You know that saying, ‘A leopard can’t change its spots’? Is it possible you want Gary to change who he is for you?”
Amanda stared off into the distance. When she finally spoke, her voice was so low I had to strain to hear. “Yes. I do.”
Wanting your guy to be different is completely normal. I don’t think anyone gets through a relationship without wishing they could tweak some of their partner’s more annoying traits.
But love asks something else of us.
When I talk to women who are just starting their dating journey, I suggest they look for a “treasurer.”
A treasurer is a very particular kind of man. You can spot him by how he treats the people and things he values.
He treats them with loving care.
Maybe it’s a younger sister, or maybe it’s a shiny pickup. Maybe it’s a gadget he spent a fortune on or a guitar he’s had since he was 13.
Treasurers take care of what they love, because they feel responsible for the riches they’ve been blessed with.
Contrast that with the guy who takes what he has for granted. He’s always interested in getting more. But once he’s got it, he doesn’t look after it. Why should he? It’s his now. He can treat it however he likes.
Treasurers have a different perspective. What they value most is not the things they own or the people they love. It’s the relationship they have with those things and people.
A treasurer doesn’t treasure the woman he’s with as much as he treasures the love he shares with her.
He knows not to take her for granted, but even more importantly he knows not to take their love for granted.
Would you say you’re a treasurer?
Do you take responsibility for the quality of love in your relationships?
I suggested to Amanda that (even though it’s not fair) it might be easier to change herself than Gary. Could she work on treasuring their love, rather than just being a good girlfriend?
She’d never thought of it that way before. “I thought all I had to do was take care of Gary, and it was enough.”
“Maybe your love has different needs,” I said.
What makes your love flourish? Whatever it is, do more of that. It’s a simple idea that works.
This is perfect! My “talk” my grandmother gave me when I was a teen was…
You know those romance novels you read? It’s not like that is real life!
Ha! She was so right. I have a great guy again. He is nothing like those. But just this am, he texted me that he has told me he loves me more in the year he has dated me than he did in 8 years with his ex wife. I’m not perfect and I know it. He is not perfect… I look for what he is doing right and that his imperfections are not deal breakers. We laugh daily, and that is the biggest key. We also agree to disagree and that lets us not fight but have fun discussions.
Right on, Patty. You are a model of success in this regard. I don’t mean that as empty flattery. It’s a choice you make to embrace that way of being and thinking, and it is beautiful.
James
I never really thought about changing my perspective of him valuing our relationship that way. I guess maybe I too have been too focused on what I do for him and maybe also watch too many romantic movies that I hoped too much that he would be that guy in those movies. He’s a quiet man, does his own thing, but seeing him and going back to moments that we’ve shared, I realize that he simply just loves me the way he knows how. Thank you for always making me see that I am a woman of value and at the same time helping me value my man the way I should.
Hi I was engaged to a narcissist and almost didn’t survive the mental abuse and manipulation is the worst and I am considered very smart. I got engaged and then his parents took a strong opposition because I was Catholic he was 35 years old and broke our engagement. Then played the victim but he was heartbroken and how hard it was on him, all about him. It took a very long time to get over him because he really did not want to let go but got busy sleeping with whoever he could and within six months married someone almost 15 years younger who was a virgin born-again Christian. I think it gave him the validation he needed. Took me a long time to get over it.
So run, don’t walk! When I told him he would be losing me forever he just said “I always fear losing you” – that just underscored his insecurities.
Really enjoyed your post today. Possible to accomplish and helpful to remember we can only change ourself. Really thought this helpful to everyone. Appreciate your thoughts and suggestions for helping all of us be more loving and nonjudgmental with our partners
Get your ducks in a row to cut that tie ASAP. Nothing will ever get better but will definitely get much worse. Your head is being betrayed and your instincts are telling you is this for real. They will do everything to isolate you from every part of what you hold dear. This person will completely devalue you and before you know it you don’t even recognize yourself or have the confidence to be your own person.
My husband of 10 years got me pregnant against my stating I wasn’t ready, moved me as far away from family and friends across the country when our daughter was a baby, then he instantly changed and would become violent to the point he altered our daughters life forever during a tantrum he had. Luckily we finally had moved back home where family lives and I just got out this year and has been like nothing I’ve ever experienced knowing he never actually cared about me and even tried to poison and drug me. Not to mention the extreme monitoring of my electronics, car, and hidden cameras. PTSD is not something you want to endure so get out, go no contact, and get on with your life. Get help by way of local programs and do therapy ASAP. Best of luck to you.
James, Do you have any useful information on being engaged to a narcissist? My situation is beyond pathetic and I need some insight.
Please, I am desperate.
Steph
Hey Steph. If you actually are engaged to a narcissist (meaning the clinical term for a personality disorder) then you would likely benefit from the professional services of a psychologist or a therapist who focuses on treating personality disorders as you exit the relationship. There are some missteps that can inflame his pathological responses if you create what psychologists call a “narcissistic wound.”
Agreed with James. As a woman who’s been there and done that – get unengaged! Get out.
It ended with police intervention and time in the hospital for me. He does love me as much as a narcissist is capable of loving and at times I could see he understood things weren’t right with him or us but he never acted on it. He chose to continue making me the reason everything was wrong because he was/is incapable of seeing his own brokenness. Two years later I still on occasion hope he’ll see the wrongness of his actions, seek treatment, become a new man and come running back to me. I’m not holding my breathe, I’m loving him from afar and letting him go and looking for new love.
Leave your narcissist behind. Be careful doing it. I created a wound and was punished. You aren’t going to change him. Not ever, he doesn’t see any wrong in his behavior. Stop trying. Flee! Run. Escape, but do it passively and don’t trigger him. It hurts.
Ohh dear girl
Be prepared to run – I have been there.
The situation was toxic
Remained toxic
And is now liberating for me that he decided to search the dating sites for a new girl.
You see I would not succumb to being totally controlled.
Yes it hurt the way he left but
The way he left made it easier to move on than fighting to leave.
Yes I was shattered
I did pick up the pieces
Good Luck