This Is How “Internal Chemistry” Makes You More Attractive

developing good personal qualities

This Is How “Internal Chemistry” Makes You More Attractive

There’s a powerful saying that goes like this…

“You attract people by the qualities you display. You keep them by the qualities you possess.”
This saying means two things.

    1. You should strive to put your best foot forward, but you must never forget to cultivate true depth in the qualities that make you valuable as a friend or partner.
    2. If you develop the right qualities, the right people will be attracted to you.

It’s the second part that poses a problem. It takes a lot of faith to believe that.

It takes faith to believe other people will ever discover the qualities you have worked your entire life to embody.

But now consider the wisdom captured in this next saying:

“Let your faith be bigger than your fear.”

This is internal chemistry. I’m talking about mixing two powerful ideas…ideas that change you when you dwell on them.

Here are the complementary ideas stated in a slightly different way. Notice how powerful they are when combined together.

  1. Focus on becoming who you want to be.
  2. Focus on what you want, not what you fear.


Have you ever had a friend like this? Someone who’s not afraid to go after what they want in life? Someone who’s not afraid to embrace the personal qualities they value most?

Have you ever known a man who is energized by these two qualities? A guy who is truly good (to the core) and he lives courageously toward the good things he believes in?

developing good personal qualitiesIt’s hard to resist such a person. Powerful, healthy energy flows from a strong foundation like that.

This is what I want for you.

Embrace whatever you can from these concepts, and I will be happy.

I teach tips, tricks, and techniques…but none of them work all that well without the strong foundation I am describing here.

Who are you really? I mean, who are you at your best? What qualities do you value so highly, you feel happier each time you remember to embrace them? Live in that direction.

James Bauer


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39 thoughts on “This Is How “Internal Chemistry” Makes You More Attractive

  1. Great post, James. That’s something I work on myself and teach my coaching clients. When we focus on what we desire and know inherently that everything always works out for our best it’s easier to let go of the fear and just allow ourselves to be our best and come from a place of authenticity. Thanks for sharing these ideas.

  2. Marie Monette said:

    Thanks James for reminding me of the biblical principles that I am praying so hard to apply in my life. When I first signed up for your coaching, I was worried that you may have a selfish and shallow viewpoint on life, and relationships. Now that I have read many of your posts, I recognize that your outlook embodies many of the eternal truths I daily read of in the teachings of the Torah, and of Jesus Christ. You have been pointing me along the right, true, and most rewarding path! May God bless and prosper your ministry for the edification of many! Thanks again!

    • chris said:

      I believe in and live my life according to the teachings of the Holy Bible which is the word of God and am guided and directed by the Holy Spirit in all areas of my life. I have been reading the postings of James which I find interesting.

      • Dianne said:

        James’s comments and principles he gives are ones that can be easily understood and applied. I trust James and have found his suggestions to be viable, which is not true of many who do date/relationship counseling on line. James, you are a real blessing!

    • Indeed, our faith has to be strong – these days we are hit from every angle and if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything! I know, I stole that from someone, but it is so true. We must learn, use our knowledge wisely, and then we can truly relate to other people, whether it is a romantic relationship, or a friendship. What we must remember is that we have to be willing to “bear with” our friends and our mates.

  3. lori said:

    Thankyou James,.you always have great advice when I need it

  4. Olusha said:

    Fantastic, motivational post, James, thank you.

  5. madeleine said:

    That’s beautiful James. Came at the right time too. Thank youx. God bless

  6. A tip on finding out what you want… Write down all the qualities in a man you DON’T want.
    After that turn it around and find the opposite of those qualities.
    That is a great starting point!

    And then – if it goes something like me and my new boyfriend you will get EXACTLY what your heart needs. Which often is not a lot like the abovementioned list…

    That’s why you need to live what’s in your heart. What you WANT and what you NEED are two different things – so work on yourself and the rest will follow 🙂

    After a nasty break up in 2012 I found a man that is the complete opposite of my ex. But that is partly because I have done some serious groundwork on myself too. If you’re not developing your inner self you will recieve exactly the same thing as the last time…

  7. chris said:

    Not that easy James. I met a guy online like this but think he isn’t who he says he is. He wanted things I couldn’t give him and as I live on the other side of the world, even though I began to care for him and he did me, I had no choice but to break up. Something didn’t ring true for me in him.

  8. ally said:

    people tried so hard to improve good attitude and qualities of life, but their dreams perish or felt stuck because of lack of persistence. Even if we have enough persistence, we ended up tired trying to figure things out, why is that. Because we only scratching at the surface and not targetting the real core issues of the heart. Authentic change happens when we truly face that pain and fear deep inside… LOOK at them square to the eyes and says. “This is who I am… I wont hide it. God loves me. Im not perfect. Im oK. Im on my way.

  9. Love, love, love the last set of questions and directive….thank you!!!

  10. Carmen Miravitchi said:

    Thanks for all your encouragements,

  11. Colleen said:

    Hi James, as per usual, you seem to always send the most amazing things that reinforce and reassure me that I am working with the right stuff. I have in the last year lived in fear of exposing my inner emotions to someone I love very much, it’s caused all sorts of communication errors, hurt, anger and frustration. He went as far to tell me “He didn’t love me or had deep feelings for me.” With lots of work, meditation and manifestation, it all boils down to what you’ve just described. I certainly value myself, but reflect and show it in a relationship is one of the hardest things. Thank you so much for when I need you most.

  12. Hi James, It’s a nice place to be…truely authentic, liking the person you see in the mirror. If one was to look at their life from the perspective of if we only had 6 months to live what would our choices be. Where would we put our energy, our focus would shift, fear would less likely hold us back. I think when you live your life with this thought in mind, you can fearlessly become the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. I have lived most of my life with this view except when it comes to relationships, with your words of wisdom this now is spilling over into that part of my brain that processes self love and respect. Thank you
    Tina

    • James Bauer said:

      That’s good to hear. It’s inspiring to hear of the fruits of your personal growth efforts.

  13. Hi James,
    Great insights as always!
    As a relationship advisor, I try to get individuals who are seeking partners to really accept what you said.
    Know and exemplify your own highest self and ideals and then see how much easier it is to attract and keep the mate of your dreams.

    It does take faith though and that is why it seems so much easier to pretend and become the person that the other person syas they want.
    That does not work long-term, but we still keep doing it.

    Thanks again for your posts, James!

    Yvonne Finn

    • chris said:

      For me, I can accept and love a person – although that person needs to have the same spiritual beliefs as I do and on the same page spiritually. I have my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. The man in my life would also need to have faith, the same beliefs, values that I do.

      I have very strong boundaries and for me, if the man doesn’t have the same beliefs and values as I have, to allow that relationship to go forward would be pointless.

      I never pretend to be somebody I am not, I am my authentic self.

      I would never allow anyone to attempt to change me into someone they want me to be because they would manipulating and controlling me and that, in itself is abusive and not being true to myself and not at all healthy. I won’t allow myself to be in a relationship with anyone like that as it is unhealthy and destructive.

  14. Monica said:

    I think “I got part 1” (as in liking who I am & what I have to offer a partner… and looking forward to becoming more of my best self 🙂 …
    so, I just wonder, when is “part 2” going to start happening?? LOL!
    (“2.If you develop the right qualities, the right people will be attracted to you.”)
    Is it that I “don’t have enough faith” in the “attraction rule?”
    It almost seems like the belief some people have about “doing good & good things will happen”– but what about the contrapositive? “Bad things” happen to “good people” as well… I guess I am trying to really understand how to implement what your saying…
    (which I do appreciate/ want to believe)… can you give some “concrete steps” – especially for “part 2” …
    Thanks! =)
    ~Monica

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Monica. Part one is up to you. Part two happens automatically…with time. I think the more we want something, the more we tend to watch the pot, waiting for it to boil…which makes it seem like it will never boil. Get back to living life without holding your breath. That is the concrete step, so to speak. 🙂

      • Laura said:

        Yes, that is exactly what I would recommend too :). If you keep waiting for it to happen, you are kind of making that to be the source of your happiness or the reason for you to be content. And you are not happy enough until the water starts to boil. Be happy now, start living your life and doing things you really enjoy. Find happiness from within :).

  15. caroline said:

    Thank you James so very very much. I hang on every word of wisdom and work to reflect and learn. I have not been successful in love. Now at 57 and exhausted from trying, i find myself with a good man, at the core. Which was said above. But he is, t able to show or give affection. Because he is good and nice i am now compromising, i realize that. But some days I need to be held. Like a woman that is, not patted like a child. I hated the years on my own, hope faded because on my search i came across worse and much worse. Now I read belive in faith Don, t be lead by fear. Which I am. Is there lady’s of my age who can understand the road that H’s brought me to accept my lot.

    • Yes Caroline !
      I truly understand.Every being of life needs love. Love is justified into wholeness of the soul.Love has no age,color or size,when man and woman come together on the same
      accord of love only……….

  16. Laurie Pilz said:

    When you speak of working on the depth of the qualities you believe in I think of the heart as it is portrayed in the Bible. I believe that having more depth is to look at Christ and his continual love for us, of what great beauty and significance we have in his eyes, along with his plan to bring us to intimacy with himself and all that is good. He exhorts us to trust in good in the midst of great evil. We must not give in to resignation or expect to control all the outcomes (i.e. double our efforts in discipline or controlling any unknown emotional arrows that may strike us). I need to live in the bigger Story that God is telling to know when to open my heart or guard it with hope that I will be pursued.
    “A Woman’s heart
    should be so
    close to God a man
    should have
    to chase Him to find
    her.” C.S. Lewis

    • James Bauer said:

      Interesting thoughts. Thanks for sharing that quote. Which of his works is that from?

      • Laurie Pilz said:

        Clay in God’s Hands. One of his more obscure books.

    • chris said:

      to look at God is to do my best to be more like Jesus and portray his love.

  17. melbell4heaven said:

    Wow. Just wow. This is such a fascinating concept. Thanks James for helping me to stay positive & constructive w posts like this! 🙂

  18. Bes Joy-Day Stephensen said:

    This is by far my favorite of all of your messages. I can relate to this because it is part of the core concepts that I follow in my every day life. Reading this & not having written it myself pleasantly reminds me that I am not alone. Awesome!!!.. Thank you for doing what you do.

  19. Tina Kurrels said:

    I love this…thanks! I was just thinking the same sort of thing today as I was trying to sort through an issue, that felt sort of dead locked. My only inspiration was to increase my own energy in my world. In other words, focus on how to improve my neck of the woods, versus our relationship. And, well, you said it perfectly. Thanks again..:) Tina

  20. Olivia said:

    You are always right on time with the best logic! I’m always thankful for every e-mail and I’ve always been happy with my purchases!!! May you continue to be blessed!

    • James Bauer said:

      Thanks, Olivia. I really appreciate your kind words.

      James

  21. Eva said:

    You are wonderful and the best ! I love your eye opening articles!
    Thank you for sharing it free!

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