Leverage vs. Brute Force in Dating

leverage in datingModern society owes all of its success to the power of leverage.

Regardless of your ethnic background, all of our ancestors started out hunting, fishing, or farming for their own little family or tribe. At some point, cultures became sophisticated enough with trade practices for people to specialize in one task.

Take net-making for example. One man or woman learned how to make nets for fishing. The nets worked so much better than spears that one-third of the fishermen from a village could now supply all the fish needed.

That freed up quite a few fishermen who now enjoyed the freedom to specialize in something new. Each time someone specialized, they became a little more dependent on the society they traded with, but the community benefited because of improved products or skills now available.

Of course, leverage comes in many forms. Some forms of leverage can help significantly when it comes to dating.

Here are three forms of leverage I want to make sure you are using:

1. Shared Goal Leverage in Dating
2.Social Networking Leverage in Dating
3.Consultant Leverage in Dating

Shared goal leverage is all about working with people toward a common goal. There are many ways to use this form of leverage. The most basic one comes down to alerting your social network to your quest to find a guy that clicks with you.

Research has surprisingly shown that our friends and family are capable of picking out better partners for us than we can pick on our own. This defies logic, but demonstrates the value of an outside perspective.

I’m not asking you to get them to pick your next date. Rather, I’m asking you to make sure they are aware you are open to suggestions.

Another simple way to use this form of leverage is to make a pact with several of your single girlfriends. You agree to go out together once per week with the purpose of meeting men and having a good time while you’re at it.

The accountability factor is powerful, but the enjoyment factor is even more powerful. Talking about a goal and sharing tips, strategies, and moral support can go a long way.

Social networking leverage is basically what it sounds like. It’s becoming more and more common that my coaching activity involves consultation with people about Facebook and other forms of online networks of people with common interests.

Social networking leverage does not happen automatically just because you have a Facebook account. Leveraging Facebook to get to know more people than you already know is a very useful strategy.

Facebook allows you to learn about people’s personality before investing time in pursuing them romantically. The key is to watch your friends’ Facebook activity, and be bold enough to ask your friend for an online introduction to people you find interesting.

Each new person you begin to interact with opens a whole new world of social connections. So even if the first person does not turn out to be your type, you have already begun to leverage the effects of social networking to come in contact with people you otherwise would never have encountered (the new guy’s facebook friends).

Consultant leverage comes in many forms. You don’t need to hire a cosmetics consultant when your best friend can give you advice and feedback. Nonetheless, you might consider hiring a cosmetics consultant, a personal trainer or hair stylist simply because friends are often hesitant to push us to be the best we can be. Friends are more concerned with maintaining the friendship by avoiding hurt feelings.

leverage in datingOf course, another form of consultant leverage is built into the very material you are currently reading. By leveraging the experience of someone who has seen the efforts and results of hundreds of dating relationships, you speed past many common mistakes and get the opportunity to tap into the most effective methods for meeting and keeping a great guy.

Hiring me as a dating coach is outside the scope of most people’s budget, but my training materials constitute another form of leverage. While it’s not the same as one-on-one consultation, the vast majority of my tricks and methods have been captured in the training materials available to you on our website.

If you have not already tapped into that form of leverage, please check them out on my website. Consider that you may be missing valuable insights that could have a tremendous impact on your life.

I hope this email has sparked some creative ideas of your own regarding ways to use leverage a little more efficiently and purposefully. Regardless of what you do next, enjoy this day and live life to the fullest!

Wishing you the best in love and life,

James Bauer

P.S. – Check out http://www.beirresistible.com/letter/ to start getting real relationship leverage!

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10 thoughts on “Leverage vs. Brute Force in Dating

  1. daisy said:

    James, I’m not sure about all of this.
    I agree with Brenda
    Facebook, etc, is trolling in one regard….it is all artifice in my opinion..how one reacts overtime in a relationship is a great indicator. Anyone can be on their best behavior on a date, etc. the true behavior will finally surface….which has nothing to do with car doors on a date, that is common courtesy, the same I would give an elderly person.

    The real question is: Do men want their intellectual match; which I feel makes life exciting and vibrant even when you may have minor disagreements of opinion? Or do they always want to be the “hero to the rescue” or “the smarter one”?

    Do you ever address issues that don’t relate to X-gen > Millenials?
    BTW, I’m 66

  2. Michele said:

    I agree. And I must say I have never felt so self-conscious as I do since I have been texting with men. I’ve always been able to tell if someone is attracted to me or interested in me, and I never felt awkward or I’m sure as much as I do since I have been texting back-and-forth with men. Since texting, I have had Men seem to be extremely interested in the beginning, and that not bother to talk to me again. I guess maybe they had nothing to do and were bored. I’m really not sure, but I have lost more men’s interest with texting that I ever did in person

  3. Melissa said:

    Hi James n bloggers! I enjoyed this article on extending your reach ascfar as meeting people! I have enough Men in my life right now but need help with one that is close to becoming a serious relationship. I’ve been dating this guy for 2 months. I have gone out on a few first dates with a few other guys but nothing developed. I really like this guy and am falling in love with him! We get along just great laugh hysterically with eachother and can talk about even the most private things! We both like the same things have been intimate every time together. Hes 26 yrs older than me and he his the one who pursued me and even begged me to gove him a chance! I did and had NO IDEA I would like him so much or develop such strong feelings for him. Today we went out and had a conversation about where things were going as he has a difficult housing situation and mentioned he might move out of the area. I told him I would prefer him not to move as I really enjoy our time together. Like an idiot I asked him if he would consider moving in with me n kids. Also told him there was no pressure as I know we are just dating and its way to early to normally discuss such a serious adjustment to our relationship but extended the offer anyway. He said “No….no offense but I’m not at that point in my life and I’m having an internal issue”. I said ok np just wanted to offer as I know your meiserable where u live. Now I can understand that but I’m a lil confused as he pursued me! So do I just chill and give him time and enjoy what we have or assume its never going to develop into something more serious. I dont need a serious committment just would like to know if he feels the same and if we could have a committed relationship or if hes just scared and needs more time? Hes given me every indication hes more than interested by complimenting me, worried about my safety etc. HELP!!!

  4. Shante Williams said:

    James, I am still amazed at how much of a help and inspiration you’ve been to me, I am so grateful to God for stumbling across your link on Facebook that one faithful day, lbs! I was a basketcase. My relationships failed, repeatedly, always leaving me hurt and confused. I would cry constantly, wondering what was wrong with me, and why I couldn’t get back the kind of love I gave. Every golden nugget you’ve dropped, that I have picked up has allow me to see myself from a perspective I would not have otherwise seen. I’ve learned so much about me in the process of understanding men, my head is still spinning. Well, I am certainly glad to say, I’m not crying anymore about not feeling love or not being in a relationship, I’m okay with that now! Now that I know the work I have to put into me, to make me feel better and more confident about myself, I ‘ve accepted the fact that I’m not ready to put in the work necessary to sustain a relationship! Thanks again James, I feel so free!

    • James Bauer said:


      Go for it! (and enjoy the journey).


  5. valery said:

    Im a 41 year old who didnt grow up texting. I realize its here to stay, much to my chagrin. Where can I find texting etiquette tips for dating and online dating? I have very little patience for electronics. Help me, James, Valery

    • James Bauer said:

      That is a resource I should develop, but unfortunately I don’t have anything ready for you, Valery. Perhaps others reading the post will have some recommendations. For me, the most important thing is simply admitting to a new texting partner that you are new at this and you could use some pointers if you do anything odd. It could actually create a fun set of exchanges that might boost the relationship in the right direction. Learning by doing is ultimately the best method, even though I agree it would be nice to have an outline of some pointers.

      • NOBEI RAYMOND said:

        Thanks alot for your advice its really making impact in my life .

    • Susie said:

      Texting, emails, FB. Whatever happened to the joy of just hearing another human being’s voice? We can’t reproduce with a computer, we can’t pick up all the subtle body language or expressions with a computer, even if it’s accompanied by a photo, it’s probably been retouched to iron out any ‘imperfections’ so why people imagine they’re going to meet the love of their lives using one is ridiculous.

      • Brenda said:

        I agree with Susie…All the signs, signals, body language or expressions which can only be seen or felt with personal contact. This is why woman/men are constantly walking into emotional traps, scams, etc. You can identify (most of the time) one’s real heartfelt motives the way they act in public, while driving on the road (car rage) whether there is actual respect for you maybe by holding the door for you, complimenting you verbally, one on one verbal communication. This is how you can “quickly” determine whether to stay and continue pursuing the relationship or move on and away. “Honesty” is not a virtue in the facebook, texting, social networking world of dating.” and has been proven over and over!

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