Master Romantic Relationships with One Rule

most important relationship rule

Want to master dating and relationships? Then just learn one rule.

Sure, relationships are complex. There are a lot of moving parts. But there’s one guiding principle that brings everything else into alignment.

It’s just one rule, and it’s so important that nothing else matters if you get this one thing wrong.

More than likely you’ve heard the phrase, “alone in a crowd.” You’ve probably even experienced it.

You’re hanging out with friends, but feel no real sense of connection. You join in conversation, but you don’t feel like anyone is on the same wave-length as you.

You’re in close physical proximity, but you’re miles apart emotionally.

That’s what it means to be alone in a crowd.

And it sucks.

It’s a deflating feeling because people you should feel connected to are right there.

And as disappointing as that can be, it’s even worse when it happens with your partner. Then it’s not just deflating. It’s demoralizing. And it’s poison to the intimacy you’ve worked so hard to build.

That brings me to the single most important rule for relationships. Never let the person you love feel alone, especially when he’s in your presence.

After all, that’s why we seek out relationships. For companionship. We don’t want to feel alone. So the most important thing you can do in any relationship is guard that feeling of connection.

While the rule is simple, mastering it takes time and practice.

The good news is there’s a way to make mastering the rule a little easier.

Find a teacher. And your best teacher? It is your own experience.

Think about those times you’ve felt alone, even in the presence of people who care about you.

Go back there in your imagination. Try to recall the things that made you feel isolated.

Was it that your friend had an agenda to look cool rather than listen and connect? Was she trying to be the center of attention? Was it that no one even bothered to ask why you looked like you were in a funk? Identify the specifics that left you feeling alone.

Those experiences are your teacher. Just do the opposite.

The situations that make us feel alone tend to be universal. That means the things that leave you feeling disconnected are likely to have the very same effect on your guy.

This method also works for creating positive moments of connection.

Think of times when you felt truly understood and connected. Learn from those moments in your life. Look to those moments as unique advice specifically for you.

It’s advice about what works between you and your guy. Let those moments strengthen your relationship.

most important relationship ruleWhile I could give you specific ideas for creating a sense of connection, I won’t. Instead, I strongly encourage you to take the mental journey described above. Search your memories. Let them teach you.

Your approach will end up being far more personal that way. As a result, it will work better in your unique relationship.

Use your own experience as a guide to keep your guy from feeling disconnected. And use it to intentionally strengthen the bond you share.


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34 thoughts on “Master Romantic Relationships with One Rule

  1. Dooshima said:

    I really do love your emails
    Great lessons to learn from.

  2. Hope said:

    I’ve been in an emotional relationship for a few months and feel so deeply connected. Like I’ve never felt before. When we look at each other it’s like we can see into each others souls. Over the last couple of months he’s pulled away and I don’t know why. He has 2 children and I have 1. The girls are around the same age and like to play. His daughter is very connected to me as well. I see them once or twice per week usually in a public setting. I tried the asking for help scenario and it got his attention but I went too far with it and made it about my feelings. He stopped texting me. I’m afraid I can’t ask for help again as he will suspect it’s a trick. I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t sent any texts today and that is sooooo hard. I miss the communication and the connection. Not sure what else to do. My heart is so full when I think about him and feels so empty all at the same time.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Hope. Do you have a sense for the “mission” he is on right now? Because he is a man, there’s a good chance he is feeling pulled toward some sort of goal or primary objective that he wants to nail down before he lets himself get lost in the beautiful connection you’ve described. Maybe that’s something you could get him talking about instead of pulling at his Hero Instinct again right away.

    • Tracey said:

      Hi Hope,

      It sounds like a very painful situation. Your situation needs a bit of back-and-forth dialogue though so I recommend you bring up in our private forum.

      Within this private community you can ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.

      Warm wishes,

      Tracey T.

  3. Angela said:

    Help! Not sure if this program is for me and considering asking for a refund unless I can find the help I need..I downloaded the secret obsession book and read it, but is there more in this program that I have not read or found? What I did read sounds good, about making your man feel he can be your hero, but much of what I read seems to pertain to a newer relationship, and I am feeling as well that my situation and man is unique…I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I have a daughter and he has a daughter and a son. Things were great at first, but have now settled into me feeling like he just wants me to do things for him and to care for the kids. We hardly have a relationship anymore. He found a game on his ipad last year that involves playing on a team live with other people, and it has absolutely taken him over..his time AND our money…to be better in the game, you need to buy “gear” and he would rather spend any extra money on this game than on anything else, including doing things with the family. He hardly pays any attention to me anymore, and rather chats with his friends in the game, and is engrossed in it. He wants me to run all the errands, do all the housework, and only takes time to do things with the kids, but never with just me anymore…we used to go for walks, cook together, go out..none of that happens any more and whenever I bring it up, he says I am stressing him out, or calls it nagging or bitching. I am SO jealous when he sits laughing and reading what his friends in his game are saying, but doesnt listen when I try to talk to him. I am so lost on what to do to get him back. I feel replaced by this game which totally fulfills his “hero needs” and his urges to be a “winner”. I have told him I feel this way and it only pushes him away more.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Angela. Your situation is complex, but I want to reassure you that if he is the kind of man worth having a relationship with, the hero instinct will be a powerful trigger that influences what he does next.

      You were very insightful to recognize the way this game and associated social environment has fulfilled much of his hero instinct needs. You are in the situation I described in the case example of Darren and Vicky (on page 178 of your course materials…in the main HSO book). And because of that similarity, it might help to read and re-read that section.

      If you’d like further help in figuring out how to apply these principles to your unique situation, I’d like to invite you to join our private forum where our relationship coaches can answer your specific questions and walk this journey with you. Here’s a link to access our private forum.

  4. Felicia Garrett said:

    Hello James,
    I have been reading for about a week with no examples on how to know if this will truly help my love life. I am in love with a man who says he loves me too. He works all the time. I feel if I could somehow get us to go out, then our fun will begin. How do you get a work-a-holic to slow down?

    • Tracey said:

      Hey Felicia,

      I have the perfect article for you! It’s 3 Rules for Dating Busy Men. James gives us some golden tips about dating “busy” men. I hope this helps!


  5. Nancy said:

    Oh I have ‘Been alone in a crowd’ a lot of my life, so I do empathize with this article. But sometimes guys think your flirting with them because you see sadness?
    On the other hand, I feel tuned into a man who keeps me at arms length most of the time, and it breaks my heart when I see him sad, or hurt or just alone and I don’t know how or can’t communicate all the love I have in my heart for him.


    I started receiving these articles at a critical time in my life, and yes they strengthen me. As we agree on almost everything it is nice to hear what I believe is true and have written about and yes, eventually spoken about as well. It’s healing when you have come from a chaotic marriage to hear truth encouraged. Now we need a James Bauer Love Cruise or Retreat, and all meet! I bet we would find some love matches, possibly marriages at said event, and you could officiate a marriage! Would you consider a retreat? Your advice is always the most thought out, humble, kind and romantic ideas, please consider it.

    • James Bauer said:

      You are so sweet, Nancy. A retreat would be a lot of fun. It seems we all still need face to face contact in this age of digital communication. I’ll contemplate your suggestions, though I’m not licensed to tie the knot for anyone! 🙂

  6. Patricia Proo said:

    I would like to receive the series I ordered in hard copy or paperwork, is that possible?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Patricia. Two of my main relationship courses are in print as physical books. You can find out how to receive a physical copy in the mail by contacting my support team at

      I’m excited to hear how you put these methods to work in your relationship!


    • Wenche said:

      I would also wish to receive this series in books please. Is that possible?

      • James Bauer said:

        Do you mean physical copies of the course materials?

  7. Debbie said:

    Is your program just E-books? I would like a paper book copies.

    • Tracey said:

      Hi Debbie,

      Some of our books are available in physical copy.
      Please go to to find out more or email

      Warm wishes,


  8. Marilyn Feeg said:

    I enjoy your emails, but they are too WIDE for my cellphone screen

    • James Bauer said:

      Thanks for the feedback.

  9. Alma Parra said:

    Hi James, I have been divorced for more than 8 years dated about 4 men I just don’t seem to be interested in some and the ones I have don’t want a relationship I am seeing one right now but he doesn’t want a relationship he comes and goes when he wants to and I’m not even sure if I can stay with him cuz I don’t like alot of the things he does of the way he is but I like his company and talking to him but in bed he’s not what I want or even what I like but I think about him all the time and I can’t even go out with someone else cuz I don’t like the way they are in don’t know if they are the problem or its me I’m I asking to much of someone I just thinking I’m to picky or I’m to damaged what should I do I’m not the type of person to go out with just anyone I ether like the person right away and I go out if not no matter what they say or do I just can’t

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Alma, It sees like your situation is very much like mine. After 8 and a half years on my own after a painful divorce, I am now deciding not to bother getting to know another man as a potential partner. I have been very hurt – firstly by the way my ex-husband treated me during the divorce and now by how the man in my life is treating me. This, I now realise, is because he may have Borderline Personality Disorder, and cannot allow himself to have a committed, emotional, intimate relationship. He is too afraid of being hurt again. You need to realize that after going through a tough time, we are all bound to feel very vulnerable. It is only natural, if we are sensitive people. You are hurting. You are afraid to allow anyone to hurt you again. So you put up protective walls. I would say, do not continue in a relationship if it is not what you really want, and you are not getting your needs met. No, it is not that you are too picky. Why would you want to settle for someone who is not right for you? And the “in bed” situation is very important in a loving relationship. If he is not what you are looking for in that department, then in my view, he is not right for you, unless you can discuss and improve the situation. Maybe you could just stay “friends”? (Without the benefits!!) But you may find that cramps your style and prevents you finding someone else. Do not get anxious about finding another relationship and rush into something too soon that may not be what you want. Just allow yourself to heal. Get out and do things that you enjoy – preferably where you mix with lots of people. Work on getting your self-esteem and trust back, and eventually you will probably feel more able to allow yourself to love again. It is worth getting books on the subject, to help you understand what is happening to you. And do NOT blame yourself because the men in your life may be having their own problems. I hope this is of help for you to understand that you are not alone with your problem. It seems that a lot of people are in the same situation these days. Good luck! Lorna x

  10. June Fox said:

    James, I have enjoyed reading your advice, I had a happy marriage for forty-three years and am now a widow. I sometimes feel alone though not lonely. I love life and feel I may even have a new relationship one day. Whether I do or not I think it is important to live one day at a time and be open to life at all times. My friends and family are hugely important to me though my husband and I did not have any children.
    One can learn new ideas about relationships even at seventy! Thankyou for your interesting books.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi June. Thank you for living all-out and setting an example for others.


    • EVE said:

      HI June:
      I have almost identical situation as you, only I am 72.
      I have the problem of shyness. When I meet someone who is single, I am so gosh dang shy, I shake hands and quickly look away. I have been shy all my life. I gather that is a turn off to men. Have had 1 date, but can’t get the courage up to get back into dating.
      I just don’t know how to get over this.
      I am happy, live for every moment since my husband
      passed in 2014, had a great 43 years of great farming partnership and love. Met when 18, married at 25 and didn’t sleep with til marriage. That I believe.
      Help, anyone.

      • James Bauer said:

        Hello Eve. Thank you for sharing a bit of your life story with us. Being on the socially anxious side of things does make dating a bit more stressful. Owning that fact is the first step to dealing with it effectively, so good job on that first step.

        One of the best things you can do is to saturate your mind with the best ideas for overcoming shyness and social anxiety. Here are two books that are excellent for that purpose:


        the book, Thriving with social anxiety.

        You may also benefit from my short report on Developing Alluring Confidence with Men, which you can find here.

        One of the reasons dating is hard for people with shy personalities is because they feel self-conscious about flirting. But in my guide to flirting strategies, I teach a low-stress method for flirting that doesn’t feel awkward. You may find this is the most useful thing given the situation you described.

  11. Polina said:

    Thank you so much, James. I consider myself as happily married woman, yet I still enjoy reading your articles. I feel like it’s better to prevent myself from doing some mistakes, rather than tried to solve them after…
    So I bought your course. Can’t wait to start reading it. Thank you for guiding all of us:)

  12. Anette said:

    Yeah, I had that feeling… Throughout the 8 years I dated my ex. Living with a person, who makes you feel like that, for so many years, caused depression and loss of self worth, self respect and
    confidence. It’s HORRIBLE!
    After the break-up I was estranged as well – I moved far away, into the country. Even if the scenery was beautiful and I did have someone to whom I felt connected with, I was lonely. I had lost almost all my friends too at the time of the break-up. Sometimes I felt so lonely that music was my closest friend. It was like living inside a bubble where only a few gestures could be felt.

    I now have the BEST connection ever with a new guy, we had it from the first moment and even if I can still feel deoressed by lack of friends (it takes time you know..) I am doing MUCH better now.

    Sending out warm thought to everyone feeling disconnected or lonely now <3

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Anette It is so wonderful to hear your heart-warming story of moving on with your life. Yes, I too, have found great comfort from music. I have started to sing solo at my local folk club and also at the open-mike night at a local pub. I have wonderful friends who will back me on guitar. It has improved my self-esteem enormously. It is SO important to get out and mix with like-minded people. Give anythng a try. Try not to pass up on invitations, even if you think you may not like it. That way you will find something that “floats your boat”. I hope things turn out well with your new man. Lorna

  13. Lorna (LaLa) said:

    James, yet another beautiful article. And you made me cry!! It was just what I needed right now to try to re-connect with my man, who has his own problems. He finds it so hard to let his feelings out – except when he is drunk!! And I know he feels all alone in the world. I’ve tried so hard to connect with him. I believe he is afraid of being hurt again. I have certainly felt that disconnection you describe – at a time 7 years ago when I was newly separated from my husband and going through my divorce. I was walking down a busy, buzzing shopping street one beautiful warm, sunny Saturday afternoon – when everyone was out shopping with partners and family and friends, and enjoying drinking coffee and chatting at the side-walk cafes – and I literally felt like I was floating along the street inside a transparent bubble – totally cut off from it all and alone. Very weird!! And it still happens now, to a lesser degree in some situations – feeling alone in a crowded room. Relationships are not easy, as you so rightly say, and I am also having trouble with my two eldest daughters at the moment. All brought about, I believe, by the hurt and anquish caused to everyone by the separation and divorce from their father seven and a half years ago. They are now 41 and 34, but they are acting like children at the moment. They won’t talk to me, either, which does not help the situation. I believe that talking can be the only way forward. But it is sometimes the hardest thing to do. To show your soft under-belly and make yourself vulnerable. Your forum is such a wonderful outlet for people. You provide an enormous service to so many hurting, lonely people. I can’t thank you enough for all the insightful advice you have provided for me – but “Thank you”, anyway, once again, from me. I keep hoping that I will one day “Find the Peace in the Eye of the Storm”. I think I am slowly getting there. Lorna

    • James Bauer said:

      Lorna, that means a lot to me. Your thanks are heartfelt, and that uplifts me and encourages me. I also appreciate the way you reach out to others and offer helpful comments in response to their questions.


      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        Thank you James. I have been through a lot of heartache over the past seven and a half years, with my painful divorce after almost 40 years of marriage. And now for the last three and a half years my involvement with a man who drinks and has huge psychological problems, and having two of my daughters turning against me for no apparent reason – but thank God for my beautiful youngest daughter – and all my supportive friends. I have often felt suicidel, though thankfully not very often now. I have read numerous self-help books, as well as gathering information on alcohol abuse – so I feel I have garnered a lot of knowledge. And it is interesting that these problems exist across the whole spectrum of society. We are all from respectable middle class backgrounds – well educated, with a good up-bringing. My daughers are all qualified professionals – 1. an architect; 2. a lawyer and 3. a school teacher. My husband is a retired professional engineer and my man was a lawyer, although struck off for bad-behaviour. As I keep saying, your articles are some of the most insightful and empowering – for which I am so grateful. You make a lot of sense out of chaos. It’s nice to know that I can pass on some of my experience to others through your forum. Out of a bad situation, there has come some good. We are all in this together, and I feel if I can help, then it has not been all bad. Keep on doing all your good work, James. I am sure you must derive a lot of satisfaction from what you do. Many, many thanks. Lorna

  14. Colleen said:

    Hi there. I have been enjoying reading your emails and blog. I am getting a lot out of them. I tried to order your product a couple of weeks ago. I guess it didn’t go through, because I was using a tablet. That’s what the woman on the phone had said, when I called. She said to try from home on a computer. I did try. I still was unable to order. I am not sure exactly why. I was able to order a similar product from Kelsey Diamond, who used the same billing people. I think I would rather have bought your system. I like the way you write. No disrespect to Mr Diamond, he has some good advice. I should have thought to let you know before. But if you haven’t been getting the sales you expect. You might look into the situation. I hope others are not having the same issues. Take care, I look forward to your daily emails and insites. – Colleen

    • James Bauer said:

      Thanks for your encouraging words, Colleen. I will check with my technical support team to see if they can spot any problems that might be interfering with your attempt to order one of my relationship courses.


    • Roxy said:

      I am having the same problem

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