How to Find a Man Who Treasures You

How to Find a Man Who Treasures YouAmanda came to me with an interesting concern.

She was reading romance novels. Nonstop.

And every time she did, she felt like crying. Because her relationship was so far from the love depicted in those pages.

“I wonder if it’s me,” she said. “If I was more amazing, maybe Gary would feel that way about me, too. But then, he’s not exactly a storybook hero himself.”

Amanda and Gary had been together 5 years but had known each other much longer. Amanda loved Gary very much. Being in a long-term relationship suited her. She took great pleasure in looking after Gary and making their life together fun.

But Gary didn’t exactly return the favor.

He was a good man and a hard worker, but romance wasn’t built into him the way it was built into Amanda. He was happy sitting on the sofa chilling out every night. He didn’t really care if they went out or if Amanda made him something special or if she dressed up for him.

“James, I want Gary to treat me like the men in my books treat their women.” Amanda leaned forward. “I know I’m not perfect, but I’m still a catch. Gary should feel lucky to have me, and he doesn’t.” Her mouth set in a stubborn line. “He just plain doesn’t.”

I get this kind of question all the time:

“How can I make my man appreciate me?”

“How can I make him treasure me like he used to?”

I think it’s great that women are asking that question, because it means they’re embracing their own value. They’re seeing their own worth. (I call this the A+ Mindset.)

But I also know what it’s like from a man’s perspective. Not all men know how to be romantic storybook heroes.

“Can I ask you something, Amanda? Does Gary have anything he really values? A friendship or family member, a vehicle, or even his phone?”

Amanda frowned as she thought. “He likes his car. He likes his phone. But they’re more tools to him than anything else. Like, I don’t think he’d care if he had to replace them.”

“How would you say Gary treats the people or things that are most important to him?”

“Casually, I guess? He prides himself on not much mattering to him. He’s easy-going.”

“So, if he treated you casually, it wouldn’t necessarily mean you’re not important to him. It would just mean he’s a casual kind of guy.”

“Yeah, I guess so. But I don’t want him to treat me like that. I want him to treasure me.”

“You know that saying, ‘A leopard can’t change its spots’? Is it possible you want Gary to change who he is for you?”

Amanda stared off into the distance. When she finally spoke, her voice was so low I had to strain to hear. “Yes. I do.”

Wanting your guy to be different is completely normal. I don’t think anyone gets through a relationship without wishing they could tweak some of their partner’s more annoying traits.

But love asks something else of us.

When I talk to women who are just starting their dating journey, I suggest they look for a “treasurer.”

A treasurer is a very particular kind of man. You can spot him by how he treats the people and things he values.

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The Secret Message of Loneliness

The Secret Message of LonelinessCertain times of year are lonelier than others.

Holidays. Valentine’s Day. Vacation time with no one to spend it with.

Along with the loneliness comes a hot burst of shame.

Shame that you’re even feeling this way. You shouldn’t be lonely. You’ve got your life and your friends. You’re independent! You like your alone time.

Then there’s the other shame…

Shame that no one has chosen you yet.

Shame that, out of all your friends, you’re the one who’s on her own.

That shame, coupled with loneliness, can make you go a bit crazy. You can end up acting in ways that just make it worse.

Society used to try to use shame women using derogatory terms like “slut” or “prude.” But the modern badge of shame goes by a different name:

“Desperate.”

Perhaps you’ve heard people say—or said yourself about someone—“Man, she’s desperate. You’ve got to feel sorry for her. No one’s going to date someone who’s acting that needy.”

No wonder loneliness feels so shameful.

Admitting you might be feeling the tiniest bit needy is unacceptable. Those feelings of loneliness must be squashed. No one can know you’re feeling lonely. You’ve got to hide it.

But therapists know there’s one thing worse than unwanted feelings:

Resisting those feelings.

The more you resist loneliness, the more it sinks down in your bones and refuses to budge.

But loneliness doesn’t have to be your enemy. It can be your friend.

It can be a source of power instead of shame.

Let me share with you a technique to take any unwanted emotion and use it to create your best life.

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

When most of us feel lonely, we beat ourselves up over it. Something is wrong with us. We shouldn’t feel this way.

But emotions are messengers.

They’re telling us something important. Bringing attention to something we’re overlooking. Reminding us of unfinished business.

So negative emotions aren’t trying to ruin our lives. They are signals advising a course correction.

They’re not proof we’re doing something wrong. Rather, they’re trying to get our attention.

But what in the world are they trying to say?

Well, there’s a method for figuring it out.

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How to Fascinate a Man with Short Conversations

How to Fascinate a Man with Short ConversationsThere’s a way to fascinate a man’s mind. It’s very simple and it works.

I’m going to tell you that method and show you how to use it. But let’s first consider the point of conversation.  

(By the way, I have a special report on conversation topics that fascinate men every time. If that would be useful in your romantic life, you can access it here.)

A man spots you in a corridor and walks up to you, clearly intending to engage you in conversation. What are his possible motives?

Some people make the mistake of classifying the purpose of all communication into just two categories:

  1. To gather information.
  2. To convey information.

But as a sophisticated student of relationships, you already know this list is incomplete. Because it’s missing all those unspoken motivations people bring to conversations.

I’m talking about meta-goals.

His unspoken meta-goal during conversation with you could be

  • to impress you,
  • entertain you,
  • seduce you,
  • network with you,
  • or even to make his girlfriend jealous across the room.

These are goals that may not have much to do with the actual words spoken during a conversation.

But let’s not stop here, because there’s one more reason people seek conversation, and it’s the most important one of all. Especially if you want to win his heart, mind, and devotion for life.

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The Sexiest Word You Can Say to Him

The Sexiest Word You Can Say to HimAva gave everything she had to her boyfriend Liam.

She was the perfect girlfriend. She cooked for him, planned special surprises for him, attended sports events with him, and made sure she supported him in everything.

Then Liam did the one thing she never expected:

He left her.

Not only did he leave her, but a week later she found out from friends that he’d been seeing someone else behind her back.

“They knew all along!” she told me. “They expected me to feel sorry for him, because it was such a dilemma. This cow or me. Here I was so nice, and he didn’t want to hurt me, but he felt this passion and chemistry that he’d never felt before.” Ava sneered. “Nice if he would’ve told me that before he broke my heart and stomped all over it.”

Ava believed that being the perfect girlfriend protected her against heartbreak. If only she did everything right, her boyfriend would never want to leave her.

Sadly, as you know, it doesn’t work that way.

In fact, being an imperfect girlfriend works for you, not against you.

That’s because he sees you’re not willing to set down everything and make him the center of your life. He sees that you’ve still got your own life and interests, which you’re not giving up for him.

The distance between you adds spice to your togetherness. You’re more than just an extension of him. You’re your own woman. And if one of you decides to leave the relationship, you won’t be left broken. You’ll still have a life of your own.

Ava was ready to learn how to make her next relationship a success. She didn’t want to do this again: give everything to a man, only to end up alone.

So I taught her the sexiest word any woman can say to a man:

“No.”

And its 1001 permutations:

Thank you for the invite, but I’ve got other plans.
I love being with you, but I’m not ready to go any further just yet.
I’m so glad you’re going to the game, but I’m not coming with you this time.
I’m hungry, too. What are you going to get for us?

Ava was horrified. Wouldn’t saying no make him lose interest?

Some men may lose interest, I told her. But those are the kind of men you don’t want. Men who are only interested in immediate gratification.

Men who make good partners are willing to go through some hardship on the path to love. They understand that a woman is their equal—not their personal assistant, chef, or mother. So there’s give and take on both sides.

Telling him no acts as a test of his character. Does he get upset when you won’t bend over backwards for him? Is he okay with the idea that he gets some of your time but not all of it? Will he make some effort for you, or do you have to do everything for him?

But there’s another, even more important reason to learn to say no:

It sets you up for a lasting relationship. Here’s why…

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