Think of the last guy who really flaked on you. What did he
- Didn’t text/call you back.
- Disappeared on you.
- Didn’t show up for a date.
These days, it’s common for someone to vanish off the face
of the earth, whether it’s ghosting (in
which he disappears for good) or zombie-ing
(where he disappears unexpectedly, only to pop back in your life like nothing
Despite the increase in flaky behavior, it’s still rare that
a guy would arrange a date with you, and then simply not show up.
(Even he knows he’d better text you if he’s going to
That gives you a clue about the best way to deal with flaky
behavior in guys.
Why Guys Flake
You might think that everyone knows right from wrong…
And surely these guys should have learned better behavior…
But what’s normal today isn’t what was normal even 10 years
Technology has changed the way we interact. New norms are
being created all the time.
Maybe you remember the days when you went out to dinner with
friends and had their full attention the entire time. Now everyone dips in and
out of the conversation, because their attention keeps getting hooked by their
It’s not polite to check your phone when you’re supposed to
be spending quality time with friends, but everyone
does it, so how bad can it be?
That’s what he’s thinking, too.
“Everyone” is a bit flaky these days. Even women. So he thinks,
“Why should I be held to a higher standard of behavior than everyone else?”
You Train Him How to Treat You
Judging him for being flaky when he really isn’t any flakier
than anyone else isn’t fair.
What IS fair is letting him know what you expect.
The more you get to know someone, the more you find out
what’s important to them. For example, you may be pretty casual about time,
while it annoys him to have to wait for you.
It would not be fair if you had only just met and he wrote
you off for showing up late. But it would
be appropriate if he decided not to pursue a relationship after he’d let you
know how important punctuality is for him…
And you kept ignoring that.
We have to let people know what behaviors aren’t okay for us.
Not as a way of judging them, but as a way of establishing healthy boundaries.
If he doesn’t know what your expectations are, you can’t blame
him for not meeting them.
Make More Dates
There’s one situation in which most guys are going to think
twice about being flaky:
When you’ve planned to
meet up for a date.
He knows it’s going to cause you a lot of inconvenience if
he’s a no-show. You’d probably even dump him.
That’s why I urge women to make more dates.
Use electronic communication to arrange a date, then keep
everything else until you’re face-to-face.
This tip can transform your love life. Not just because he
realizes he has to make an effort with you—he can’t text occasionally and
assume that’s enough—but also because all that in-person contact activates two
powerful forces on his behavior:
- The Exposure Effect
- Loss Aversion
He’ll find himself more and more committed to you, without even realizing it’s happening. Here’s how it works…