Where do you go to meet guys?

For some, that’s the bar scene. Sure, it’s not ideal, but it is a place full of men. For others, it’s the gym. Or church. Or the grocery store. Or even the office.

Whatever your preferred location, imagine it down to the last detail. What does it smell like? What sounds do you hear? When you find yourself intrigued by a guy, what do you do?

If you’re like most humans, before you even think about saying hi or trying to catch his attention, the very first thing you do is stress out. At least a little.

After all, you’re about to put yourself out there. Maybe he’ll express interest, and maybe he won’t. You’re risking rejection, which is always painful, even if it’s from someone you just met.

Flirting with someone when you have no idea if they’ll flirt back is stressful.

But a recent study done by the University of Kansas suggests there’s a relatively easy way to take stress levels down a few notches. Researchers found an effective technique for making competitive sports less stressful.

“Wait, what?” you say. “James, we’re talking about dating, not football.”

But think about it. Emotionally, sports and dating have a lot in common—especially if you’re trying to spark conversation with a guy in a social setting. There’s competition, risk of failure, and even an audience!

So, how do you lower the stress of flirting?

Researchers saw significant decreases in cortisol (the hormone we produce when we’re stressed out) when athletes engaged in “priming” before they took to the field.

Priming is a simple mental exercise. There are several ways to do it. Here are three suggestions for pulling off your own pre-flirt priming session so you feel more relaxed and do the right things almost automatically.

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I know you’ve asked this question.

At some point you’ve wondered if all these tips are worth anything. Does dating advice really help people find love? It’s a fair question.

In a word, yes. Absolutely.

I’ve seen it happen first hand a number of times. I personally know dozens of women who’ve put my advice into practice and found passionate romance as a result. And I hear back from readers all the time about their relationship success stories.

Still, I get where you’re coming from. It seems like a lot, all these guides and checklists. And even though it can be genuinely helpful, it can also be overwhelming.

And that’s the problem. How do you sort through it all? It’s not like you can literally apply every single insight on your next date.

Just imagine trying that.

Every time a guy picks you up, you’d have to lug a huge cheat sheet around with you. He asks where you want to eat, and you hold up a finger while you frantically cross reference Conversation Starters, Restaurant Choices and First Date Faux Pas!

Not incredibly sexy. So, how about some advice . . . on how to use dating advice?

There’s a way to strike a healthy, practical, fun balance when it comes to dating advice. And it’s anything but complicated. Just keep the following four things in mind.

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Resolving a point of tension in your relationship feels so good.

It feels like a weight being lifted off your shoulders.

After successfully working through a relationship problem, you feel lighter, happier, and more “together” with your partner than you ever did before. Even if it was just a small issue with your boyfriend.

But it can be endlessly frustrating when your partner shuts you down every time you even try to address an issue that bothers you.

That’s where a third-party can help.

And it doesn’t need to be someone you know. Because they have a tendency to take sides. And even if they don’t, they lack the finesse of a professional counselor.

I know what you’re thinking. “My guy would never make an appointment to see a professional relationship counselor.”

But you only think that because you haven’t seen how quick and easy it is to start text-based relationship counseling. (That’s a link to the online counseling service I recommend, by the way.)

I’ve found that men are much more open minded to the idea of relationship counseling when they can just write back and forth with a licensed counselor instead of making an appointment.

The counselor becomes a mediator of sorts. A trusted third party who has a knack for getting both of you to use more of the emotional intelligence you already have, not only to solve problems, but to enhance the relationship in unexpected ways too.

Are you the only one who purposefully nurtures the relationship?

Do you see its amazing potential and purposely invest in it?

If so, it wouldn’t surprise me. Women tend to be the emotional leaders in relationships.

They’re the ones thinking of ways to connect and get closer. They’re the ones reading books and newsletters like this one. They’re always learning how to love better.

Men?

Well, you’ll spot the occasional man reading a relationship book. But guys often fail to see the relationship as a living thing that needs attention. They’d rather leave all that stuff to their wives and girlfriends.

That’s a problem.

When a man abdicates his responsibility for the emotional labor of the relationship, the woman gets stuck with it all.

That’s why it can really pay off to get a licensed relationship counselor working to support your efforts. Even if it’s just for you to have someone to talk to…

A “thinking partner” you can bounce ideas off of as you work on things.

And if you do get him to join the written chat sessions? In that case, a well-trained relationship counselor can take some of the burden off of you, so you stop looking like the bad guy when you ask your man to work on things.

It’s hard to make progress if he gets an attitude every time you try to work on the relationship. A 6-year study of 130 newlyweds found that the strongest predictor of happiness is the husband’s attitude.

If he’s willing to work with his partner, listen to her input, and take her recommendations on board, their marriage is much more likely to last.

Only a third of the men in the study were willing to accept their partner’s influence, however.

Others reacted to their partner’s suggestions with defensiveness, anger, or stonewalling.

They didn’t feel they had to do ANYTHING their partner suggested. They saw the work of relationships—negotiating, compromising—as a struggle for power and control.

Their thinking went something like this:

“She isn’t the boss of me. How dare she criticize me! I work and work, and she doesn’t appreciate it. If I let her have her way this once, she’s going to keep asking. She nags all the time. She just wants to control me.”

That refusal to address conflict or work through disagreements diminishes the potential of a relationship.

What can you do, when your partner refuses to let you influence him?

Not much. You’re stuck.

You may think you can live with it, but know this. If he won’t listen to you, your relationship has an 81% chance of falling apart.

Of course, women don’t always listen to their partners, either. No one is perfect.

But in general women are better at taking their partner’s feelings and preferences into account. That’s their job, as emotional custodians of the relationship. They try to balance everyone’s wants and needs.

But maybe you shouldn’t.

Maybe you should let a professional do the balancing of everyone’s needs. That way you can just say what you need and leave it up to the counselor to make sure he hears that request in the right frame of mind.

Speaking of frame of mind, that’s really the secret sauce for relationship counselors. They’re good at framing problems differently. And that’s a skill you can use too.

You see, counselors are masters of framing discussions in the right light. They set the stage before talking about difficult issues. They accomplish that by getting people into the right frame of mind before tackling stressful topics.

We can all learn something from their tactics. So let me share just one of them with you today. It’s a secret for getting guys to open up.

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Why do you date?

To find someone to love for a lifetime, right?

And the best way to do that, most of us assume, is to become the best version of ourselves we can possibly be. Invest in yourself, and love will come calling.

But Ken Page has a different idea.

He wants you to stop fixing yourself and start accepting yourself, exactly as you are right now in this moment.

Because the person you are is PERFECT. Even your flaws. Even your weaknesses. Even your mistakes.

It’s what you think is worst about yourself, he says, that will lead you home.

That’s the idea behind deeper dating, a revolutionary philosophy on love that turns conventional wisdom upside down.

In a world where so many men and women spend precious resources trying to be more appealing to the opposite sex, you’d think it would be easier to find love than ever. We’re better looking. We’re more cosmopolitan. We’re more debonair. 😉

Yet today’s singles find dating to be harder than people did 100 years ago.

Modern women are more attractive, witty, and desirable than ever, yet marriages that last a lifetime are increasingly out of reach.

Could it be because dating has become increasingly artificial? Singles hide their true selves behind a mask of selfies, texts, and Spanx. Everything is designed to appeal to the opposite sex; everything that might be unappealing is carefully hidden.

So, when a man falls for a woman—and she falls for him—they’re falling for each other’s false self. They’re not seeing what’s truest about each other. They’re seeing what the other person wants them to see.

No wonder relationships fall apart so fast.

As you get closer, you begin to trust one another. You let down your guard. You reveal more of your true self. But your true self can look a little (or a lot) different from the woman he met on that first date. Maybe she was confident, but you’re shy. Maybe she was up for anything, while you’re more cautious.

Hopefully, his initial positive impression of you will sweep him past those revelations, but it might not. He might break things off when he sees you’re not the woman he imagined in his head.

Men are just as guilty of presenting a false self on a date. I’m sure you’ve experienced the kind, funny, communicative guy who turns into a dark, monosyllabic jerk once you’re in a relationship!

If what we want is solid, compatible relationships, then we’ve got to stop focusing on acing that first date. We’ve got to focus on authenticity. Showing each other who we truly are, even if that isn’t Insta-worthy.

Here’s what that might look like (and why it’s so valuable).

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