Laila couldn’t stop thinking about Donovan.

They’d never really been in a relationship. He wasn’t the settling-down kind. But every time she went out with him, she felt like she was playing the star role in her ultimate fantasy.

Donovan was everything she thought a man should be. Slick, powerful, handsome, and possessed of immaculate taste. He didn’t drink tequila; he drank Patrón. He didn’t wear jackets; he wore Tom Ford.

But Donovan wasn’t as into her as she was into him.

He’d text her at the spur of the moment—when, she suspected, his intended date had canceled on him.

He’d act totally into her, unless someone else he knew walked into his field of vision. Then he’d leave her hanging, sometimes for half an hour while he shot the breeze with his friend.

Laila didn’t like it.

She wanted my advice on how to make Donovan obsessed with her.

Situations like this are always tricky.

It’s my job to help my clients get what they want. But it’s also my calling to help them step into their biggest, brightest, most beautiful life.

And Laila wasn’t going to have that with Donovan.

Donovan was pretty clear about his priorities. Women were accessories to him. He wanted them around so that he looked good, but his focus was on wheeling and dealing. Being seen. Hobnobbing with the right people.

If I told Laila she should forget about Donovan, she’d hear me saying she wasn’t good enough for a man like him.

So my goal was to help Laila see just how much she deserved from a man.

I’d leave it up to her to decide who she’d practice her new skills on.

When a woman is obsessed with a man, she often uses a strategy I call “Look How Much I Have to Offer You.”

(It’s a strategy men use, too. Ever had it used on you?)

She shows him just how far she’s willing to go to earn a place at his side.

She invests time. Emotional energy. Money. Everything she has into giving their budding connection the perfect conditions to grow.

And in return?

He takes all she has and smiles. This is great, he thinks. I’ve got it made.

In her effort to show him how easy-going and undemanding she is, she doesn’t ask for anything from him aside from his presence.

She wants to be with him. That’s it.

So it’s confusing—and heartbreaking—when he refuses to give her even that.

Men do this, too, by the way. They bring a bouquet of three dozen roses on the first date, send romantic texts every hour on the hour for days, offer to take her places or run her errands or wait for her until she’s ready for a relationship—even after she’s told him she’s not interested.

Why?

Because that’s the cultural story we have inherited about the right way to win our true love. It’s a story that’s reinforced in many fictional books and movies.

If a man just lays on the romance thick enough—and he never gives up—he’ll eventually wear her down, and in a moment of vulnerability she’ll fall in love with him.

You know as well as I do that there’s no WAY that script is healthy. It doesn’t work. It borders on stalking. (I’ll tell you a script that works in just a bit.)

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What would you do if you caught your man sitting quietly among his friends as they engaging in “locker room talk” that was disrespectful to women?

He’s not participating in it, but neither is he calling it out as the harmful and inappropriate thought pattern it represents.

Would you call him out on it?

Would you let him off the hook, because “men will be men” and it wasn’t him doing the talking?

As a relationship coach, I’ve seen many discussions between couples about behavior they regret. While there are all kinds of excuses (most of them pathetic), I have seen a trend worth noting.

The trend is that some of the nicest, most loyal, and kind people do dumb things that hurt their partners, and it’s often related to negative peer pressure.

Instead of focusing on that one incident, ask yourself what your guy’s friends can teach you about him.

Friendships tell us a lot about people.

You may have heard the saying that we’re the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with.

Which means you can look at your guy’s closest friends to find out important information about the sides of himself he doesn’t show you.

We all have aspects to our personality we’d rather keep hidden. They represent our shadow side. We started developing our shadow side as children, when we discovered that our parents and other adults didn’t approve of certain things we did or said.

We couldn’t wave a magic wand and make our “badness” vanish. It was part of us, just as much as our goodness. So we shoved those parts of ourselves down and tried to forget about them.

It didn’t work.

Because what you refuse to acknowledge about yourself ALWAYS comes out in other ways.

Like finding friends who act out in ways you’d never allow yourself to do.

Ever wondered what your guy sees in certain friends?

Maybe he sees aspects of himself he’s not allowed to express.

Aspects of himself he buried long ago.

Your man’s friends tell you a LOT about the man he thinks he is and the man he wishes he could be.

So try this:

Look at what your guy admires most in his friends. Listen to how he talks about his friends. Notice what he does with his friends when they spend time together.

Then ask yourself whether those traits promise great things for your future together…

Or not.

There’s another reason friends matter.

Close friends influence each other’s behavior. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

The science of how social networks impact health is still in its infancy, but thus far it has shown that everything from obesity to smoking to happiness spreads through social networks.

Here’s an example that might shock you.

Research has found that couples are 75% more likely to divorce if a close friend gets divorced.

Even if a couple just HEARS about the divorce of someone they know through the grapevine, their own chances of divorce go up by a third.

So if your guy’s friends don’t believe in marriage, treat their partners poorly, or disparage women, then their influence can rub off on him—even if he doesn’t share their beliefs.

The answer is not to get rid of his friends.

You may wish they had less influence over him, but they’re part of his life.

Here’s a better solution:

Increase the amount of time you spend with strong couples.

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How far would you be willing to go to meet someone?

There seems to be two schools of thought.

The first says that you should always be yourself, no matter what.

• Don’t wear a lot of makeup, because if he doesn’t find the “real you” attractive, then he’s not worth it.
• Don’t fuss a lot with clothes, because he should see you as you normally dress.
• Steer the conversation towards your favorite topics, then talk his ear off.
• Always tell the truth up front, even if it might put him off.

The second school says that you should always put your best foot forward, no matter what.

• Never let him see you without makeup.
• Always dress in flattering outfits that highlight your best features.
• Find out what he likes to talk about.
• Avoid letting him know about possible deal-breakers until after he’s fallen in love with you.

The first school of thought is idealistic. We’d all love to believe that love is simply a matter of seeing the right person and falling for them just as they are. Movies and sitcoms caution us against inauthenticity: pretend to be someone you’re not, and the person you love will find out eventually.

The second school of thought is more pragmatic. After all, you’re not going to walk into a job interview and say, “Here I am! Take me or leave me.”

You’re going to put your best foot forward. You’re going to dress appropriately and practice your answers beforehand. Being polished gives you a better chance of getting your foot in the door.

Both schools of thought have their limitations.

“Love me as I am” is a wonderful motto, if who you are is the best version of yourself.

But if you use that motto to avoid making an effort, then you can shoot yourself in the foot. You expect men to show up clean-shaven, nice-smelling, with clean jeans and a stylish shirt. Why wouldn’t you make an effort, too? Looking attractive for the opposite sex is simply a nice thing to do.

“Always be your best self” is also a wonderful motto, if your best self is authentic and genuine.

But if you use that motto to hide parts of yourself you’re ashamed of, then you run the risk of attracting men under false pretenses. You don’t want a huge gap between who you are on a date and who you are at home.

The solution is to balance both philosophies.

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You’re on a date with someone you met through an online dating site.

You picked him carefully, because you have standards. You don’t go out with anyone who doesn’t look nice or doesn’t treat you with respect.

It’s a half-hour into the date, and you’re starting to relax. You’re laughing a little. The awkward phase is over. You’re starting to open up to each other.

Then he does it.

That thing men do.

That thing that makes you pull back and feel awkward all over again.

He leans forward…

And touches your leg.

He’s not trying to grab you. But it kind of feels like it.

He’s pretending he’s just patting you on the thigh to emphasize a point. Like you’d touch someone on the shoulder to get their attention.

But his touch feels awkward, a bit to high on your thigh, almost like he’s trying to feel you up.

Just like that, your trust for him evaporates. It’s three o’clock in the afternoon, for goodness sake! You’re not rubbing up against each other in some bar.

He sees you flinch back. He withdraws his hand quickly. Conversation falters. You shut down.

And just like that, the date is as good as over.

Maybe that’s never happened to you.

These days, many men know to ask permission before they go in for that first hug or kiss. It’s respectful. It gives you the option to say no.

But other men grew up with a different sort of “education.”

One of the most influential (and controversial) seduction teachers for men, David Deangelo, taught a simple “kiss test.”

He recognized that springing a kiss unexpectedly on a woman is a sure-fire way to get a man rejected.

Instead, he taught men to use “simple, innocent” physical contact to test the waters.

Stuff like stroking a woman’s hair…

Or moving closer to her without actually touching.

If she tenses and pulls back, then she’s not ready for a kiss, Deangelo explained. But if she smiles and relaxes into his touch, then he can assume she’s open to exploring their chemistry.

Most men you meet haven’t studied under Deangelo. But they may have heard some version of the kiss test:

Find some pretext to touch a woman and observe her reaction.

But not all men do this well.

Some men slap you on the shoulder, like they’d slap a male friend.

Other men do it sneakily, so fast you almost don’t realize they’ve touched you.

Still other men invite you for a hug, then embrace you too long or too intimately.

When you assume he’s doing it to cop a feel rather than to test your chemistry, your reaction “tells” him everything he needs to know. You’re not into him.

And, of course, you might have been right. His intentions might not have been virtuous.

So how can men and women navigate this mess, without ruining any chance of romance?

I don’t have all the answers. I can’t tell you what is best for you.

But I can give you some suggestions that might help you decide on an effective strategy to break the touch barrier.

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