Use Transformational Conversations to Deepen Your Relationship

How To Deepen Your RelationshipHere’s something you may have noticed about guys:

You can’t get a word in edgewise when you first start dating…

And then you can’t get a word out of him for the next 20 years.

Men get that they have to communicate to make a woman fall in love.

But it’s almost as if they use up their entire supply of words in the first month of dating.

They’ve wooed you and won you, and now they can relax into being who they really are.

Which, in many cases, means someone who sees words as practical tools rather than a source of pleasure.

The same probably isn’t true for you.

For most women and some men, talking is pleasurable. It feels good. It helps you feel connected. It lifts your spirit and recharges your soul.

So it can feel awful when the one you love only talks to you when there’s something necessary to discuss.

It’s a trap so many couples fall into. The longer they’re together, the less they talk to each other.

Communication is primarily practical, focusing on getting life organized: who’s going to pick up the kids, what’s happening this weekend, when is the car due for a service, etc.

How can you start talking again, like you did when you were dating?

How can you have the kind of conversation that keeps you up until the wee hours of the night, drunk on each other’s words?

Some strategies are obvious:

  • Make time for talking. If you switch the television on as soon as you get home and pick up your phone the minute you sit down, the chances of having a good conversation are slim. Give yourselves the daily gift of 15 minutes of non-digital peace.
  • Create openings for good conversations. Master the art of asking intriguing questions, ones that hook his interest. By now, you know which questions rarely elicit a reply (“Hi, honey, how was your day?”) and which questions fire him up (“Who do you think will win the playoffs?”). Get him talking, even if the subject isn’t one that excites you.
  • Listen. If you’re not listening, he’ll stop talking. We all have a gut instinct that tells us when someone’s not paying attention. It may be a great timesaver to do the dishes and tidy up while you’re having a chat, but he may perceive multitasking as a sign you’re not really interested in what he has to say.

There’s another strategy, though, that I find exciting.

It involves creating the space for transformational conversations.

These are conversations that leave you changed. You see something as a result of that conversation you never saw before. You understand him or yourself in a completely different way. The way you look at the world shifts.

Chances are, you had transformational conversations in the beginning of your relationship, as you shared your thoughts and beliefs about the world and the kind of lives you wanted to live.

By now you assume you know all that about each other. You don’t have to ask each other what you believe and what you want, because you assume you know the answers.

But here’s the key:

None of us know our partners as well as we think.

Our partners ALWAYS have the capacity to surprise us, enlighten us, and jolt us out of complacency.

And transformational conversations are one tool to do that.

So how do you have a transformational conversation?

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One Response to Survive and Thrive Under Criticism

how to respond to criticismKaren thought it would bond them as a couple. A weekend workshop devoted to developing greater intimacy? Bring it on!

But on the afternoon of the second day, her world turned upside-down.

The topic was how to give feedback instead of criticism. The facilitator asked each couple to turn to one another and state the 3 things they most liked about the other person as well as the 3 things they most disliked.

Her heart was pounding as she told her boyfriend she’d go first. “What I like most about you is that you’re thoughtful, handsome, and loving.” She paused, trying to think of some gentle feedback that wouldn’t hurt his feelings.

“I wish you’d clean up after yourself more. I wish you’d be available more, rather than working so late. I also wish things were more romantic, like they used to be.”

He smiled and nodded warmly. She felt a rush of relief. This wouldn’t be so bad. “Okay, your turn,” she said.

“The three things I like most about you are that you’re beautiful, you’re warm and caring, and you make my life better.”

Karen’s heart soared. She grasped his hand tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“The three things I like least about you,” he continued, “are that you’re always getting after me for things in a way that doesn’t feel respectful. You have really high standards, which are great, but it makes our life stressful in a way it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes I don’t think you really see what you’re doing. You think you’re being positive when you’re actually bringing everyone down.”

What?

How could he say that? After that moment they’d just had?

Even worse, he was smiling, as if what he said had been kind rather than completely devastating.

Karen jerked back her hand. She scooted her chair away from him. Through the white noise ringing in her ears, she could hear him ask, “Honey, are you okay?”

But she wasn’t.

And she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be again.

In all relationships, there are some things better left unsaid.

Like what you really think of his crude best friend, or his parents’ Christmas gifts.

But giving and receiving feedback is essential to healthy relationships.

So I’m going to suggest one simple phrase for responding well.

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How Excuses Reveal Hidden Relationship Problems

relationship excusesExcuses rarely make anyone feel better.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the frustration of hearing an excuse when you try to point out a problem to your boyfriend.

Sure, there are times when it’s perfectly valid to offer an excuse. I mean, come on…sometimes the traffic really was horrible. Or you legitimately didn’t have time to call.

But most of the time we make excuses to protect our egos. Rather than admitting we made a mistake, we justify poor choices.

That strategy just doesn’t work well in relationships. Because a pattern of excuses will drive a wedge between you and your partner faster than the Kardashians can spin family drama into a new reality show.

Relationship excuses erode trust.

Just like you, your guy can tell when he’s not getting the full story.

So, before you give your guy an excuse, ask yourself the following two questions.

  1. DO I SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD?
  2. IS THERE ANYTHING UNDERNEATH THIS EXCUSE?

Let me show you why these two questions will send your relationship in the right direction.

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How to Get a Guy to Like You FAST

How to Get a Guy to Like You FASTHow do you make a lasting impression when you only get 60 seconds?

That’s all the time it takes for people to start judging you. It’s an insanely short window.

Take Jessica as an example. She’s single and interested in meeting someone new. So she goes out, mingles, and tries to stay socially plugged in.

Recently, she was at a happy hour with some friends. They got into a conversation with some guys at the next table. They talked for a bit, and then the men moved on.

When you’re single, opportunities to meet someone can pop up and vanish just that quickly. You get a few minutes of conversation at most. That’s it.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a typical social environment, like a bar, or somewhere else, like the gym, the breakroom at work, or even the grocery store. If you meet a guy you’d like to get to know better, you get one shot at a first impression.

How do you make it count?

There are several psychological hacks[i] you can use to make the most of those moments. These aren’t tricks or traps. I would never suggest that you deceive a guy you’re interested in.

Instead, these are ways to fast-track showing him the kind of person you are. And at the same time, you’ll get to find out what kind of person he is.

If you want to make the most of an opportunity for romance, the following three hacks will help nail that first impression.

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