Do You Make Him Want to Be a Better Man?

How To Make Him Want To Be A Better ManNearly two decades ago, Jack Nicholson handed generations of men a line that actually worked.

“You make me want to be a better man,” he told Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets.

It’s impossible not to respond to a line like that, if spoken honestly. Is there any greater compliment? You inspire him to be a better person, to be worthy of your love. Even if things don’t work out, you’ll always know you changed his life. You changed him.

But why does that line work so well?

What does science have to say about the relationship between love and self-improvement?

Quite a lot, it turns out.

Relationships help us grow as people. We learn to communicate and compromise. We learn to give and receive love. We negotiate the delicate balance between self-care and service.

And we also become bigger people, through a process called self-expansion.[1]

In everyday life, we tend to think that who we are stops at the boundary of the body. This is me, and everything else is not me.

If we look more closely, we realize that’s not true. Psychologically, we are defined by our relationships. We embrace those we love as part of who we are. We wouldn’t be who we are today without our friends and family, who’ve shaped what we like and how we think.

The same goes for our romantic relationships.

How To Make Him Want To Be A Better ManThink about the last time you fell in love. Chances are, you felt as if you were merging into your beloved as if you were no longer two separate people but rather one. Falling in love helps dissolve the boundary between self and other, thereby expanding our sense of who we are.

That feeling of self-expansion is so important that it can make or break relationships.

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The Absolute Worst Thing to Say after a Date

how to communicate on a dateLet me start by asking if you know the answer to the following question. What is the number-one fear a woman has after a date that goes really well? Do you know?

The most common fear is that he won’t call again. The woman is left waiting, wondering, and feeling frustrated. No, frustrated is the wrong word. It’s more like a feeling of exasperation.

You just want to pull your hair out! Your experience with the guy says, “Yes! This went great, and he already secretly loves me just a little bit. We had so much fun!” Yet the days pass without further contact. You start to worry.

By day three, you stop measuring the passage of time in days and start counting down the hours to each deadline you were sure he would meet. “He’ll call before 8:00 PM tonight. I’m sure of it.” The minute hand on your clock gets more attention than it has in five months as you watch it pass the 8:30 mark. You, on the other hand, get none of the attention you were hoping for.

Where does this problem come from? Why do so many women go through this agonizing experience? There are several answers to this question, but I want to get you thinking about one thing in particular.

I’ll come back to this problem in a minute. First, I need to tell you something interesting I learned from a man who consults with restaurant owners to make them more money. In particular, the man I’m referring to is a consultant to high-end restaurants with pricey menus and required reservations.

Take a moment to think about why a pricey restaurant would require customers to make reservations. The answer, it turns out, is the same as the reason airline companies require that you make a reservation (and payment) to hold a seat on a scheduled flight.

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