Give Your Man This, Even if He Doesn’t Deserve It

how to be more positive“I believe in you.” It’s nice when someone says that to you, isn’t it?

But what does it really mean? They believe you exist? Of course not. They’re saying they believe in your ability to achieve something. Or they believe in your general goodness and value.

In a way, when someone says “I believe in you,” they are practicing the art of positive thinking. They are choosing to believe the best. It feels good when you are the recipient of that faith.

I recently stumbled across a survey of jokes that were voted to be among the best. I thought this one was funny…

“I saw a book called The Power of Positive Thinking and thought I should probably read that. But then I thought, ‘What the hell good would that do?’ and I walked away.”

I like this joke because it makes light of a trap many of us find ourselves in. Once the human mind starts down the track of negative thinking, it can be difficult to switch tracks. It’s not easy to suddenly decide to be a positive person.

Once the rolling snowball of negativity starts to build, it can feel nearly impossible to reverse course. But there’s one method, one simple psychological side step that can do the trick.

I’m talking about a simple mental habit. You can get the benefits today. But there is also a long-term payoff…

A permanent increase in feelings of happiness.

According to Rick Hansen, PhD, the author of Hardwiring Happiness, you can rewire your brain so you feel happy more often.

Feelings of gratitude and well-being become automatic when you think certain kinds of thoughts. Thoughts that force your brain to adopt new neural structures.

All you have to do is make the simple choice to get thankful about something, even if most of your life sucks right now. It’s gratitude that does the trick. Look for things to feel grateful for.

The instant benefit is improved mood. And in the long run, it rewires your brain for happiness.

Today, I want to suggest one simple form of gratitude. It has to do with the mindset you bring to dating.

I challenge you to be grateful for the power you have to love others. It’s a simple thing, but it really is something worth celebrating.

You have love, and you are able to give it to someone else. That is a precious gift of immeasurable value.

Dating provides micro opportunities to practice the art of giving your love away. Don’t worry about using it up. Unlike other valuable resources, your supply tends to grow the more you practice giving it away.

As you know, most of us fall into the trap of becoming increasingly negative and panic stricken as we try to find someone else to love us. We all want to be loved, but other people don’t do it right, or at least not perfectly. So we become focused on the problems in our love life.

No one would blame the victim of a spinal cord injury for focusing on the sudden problems that come from paralysis. Yet a 2013 research study in Canada involving fifteen people with spinal cord injuries found something interesting. The vast majority of them were practicing gratitude, particularly gratitude about the simple things.

They told the researchers how they began to deeply appreciate small things they had previously taken for granted. They gave examples like the birds chirping in the morning hours outside their window. Or the small gestures of kindness they were still able to offer when interacting with others.

The feeling of gratitude is like a breath of fresh air you can literally feel in your body. It’s a positive sensation you can actually notice if you pay attention.

You may not be in a relationship right now, or you may be in one that is not meeting all of your needs. But I challenge you to take thirty seconds to adopt a new mindset. Dating becomes a lot more fun when you focus on what you have to give. The beautiful gift of love.

Don’t wait until you find the perfect person to give it to. Give it away in tiny doses to people who don’t even deserve it.

how to be more positiveBecause appreciating the beauty of the love you have within you will make you glow from the inside out. It will boost your immune system, lower your stress, and enhance the natural beauty of who you are.

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to have a small influence in your life, hopefully in a positive direction. I believe you are valuable and intrinsically good.

I believe in your ability to choose a positive direction for your thoughts. I believe in your potential to enhance the irresistible qualities you already possess. And I believe you’re going to have fun in the process.

In short, I believe in you.

Your Dating Coach from a Distance,


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55 thoughts on “Give Your Man This, Even if He Doesn’t Deserve It

  1. Leila said:

    Beautiful! Truly affected me in a positive way today. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn, grow, and love everyday.
    Grazie, James

  2. Suzie said:

    Thank you James. As always, I find your messages to be helpful and insightful. I’m very grateful that I found you as you are always able to help contribute to my sense of well being. Have a wonderful day!

  3. Marie said:

    What a breath of fresh air to read these words. Thanks for the inspiration to be greatful. Time to share the positive with others!

  4. Heidi Snow said:

    Love this mindset! I have tried to practice this in my life this past last year and I have experienced such positive effects. Being grateful helps me stay grounded and keeps things in perspective instead of focusing on the stuff that isn’t going right. Thanks James!

  5. Vidya said:

    I love your writing and your words. I am such am admirer of your thought processes.

  6. charlottewooleryscharf said:

    I believe in you also, James. You are a very classy deep relationship advisor.


    • Heather said:

      I second that. I couldnt agree more!! I am deeply grateful for the free material I get to read online from James, and look forward to purchasing his material so I understand on a deeper level about relationships and men.

  7. Maria said:

    Great advise, it does work and makes you feel beautiful. Gratitude does wonders to your mind, body and soul. It heals. Thank you for the opportunity to share and expand.

  8. Dru said:

    Thank you James. This is apparently the message I’m supposed to get today. I just finished watching a video on Youtube about the effects of positive words/attention on children. Thank you. Grateful for you!

  9. Melissa said:

    Only a beautiful soul could write so beautifully. I am grateful for you James and I’m sure you are having a profound influence in many lives. Thank you for being the light that you are.

      • Absolutely agree! Uplifting and encouraging. Your positive approach is very much appreciated and I always look forward to reading your blog. This in particular was great for me today.

  10. Ann said:

    James, I receive a lot of relationship blogs and you are my favorite blogger. You offer the most uplifting, compassionate, thoughtful and healthy commentary of any of the writers out there. When skimming through the 40+ emails per day I receive, I always read yours because it is worth my time. Thank you.

  11. Jennifer Sherdan said:

    I love this article James! Well said! Thank you. And today I am grateful to you for writing this! : )

  12. Kathleen said:

    This is truly what I needed to remember today for I have been feeling down. I have been someone who is grateful for all the little things in life that people normally take for granted. And I ask myself, why have I been feeling down? This gives me the incentive to remember how I was “grateful”. Thank you very much James.

  13. That was a beautiful message James. Thanks for sharing it and reminding us that our love and our lives are valuable. I appreciate all the work that you do to help us show up better towards ourselves and in our relationships.

  14. Michelle said:

    Your awesomeness is showing πŸ˜‰ thanks …. with gratitude!

    • James Bauer said:

      Nice! Was that a Jack Black quote?

  15. Dawn said:

    Thank you James, truly amazing and has just confirmed all that my late amazing Dad was trying to teach me…I feel really grateful for this lesson and will carry it in my heart πŸ™‚ everyday I hear those birds. Singing, I always smile, now I will smile, bow my head and say “thank you, I really appreciate your song and for reminding me, I have just woken up to yet another beautiful day”

    I thank you James for sending this email to me, just at the right time, I had stopped believing in myself…..almost!! Now I just need to regain my trust in myself ;)?

    Best regards

    Dawn, England

  16. Lorna (LaLa) said:

    I agree with you, James, a beautiful sentiment. Thank you, and I am sure many, many people are grateful to you for your wise comments. I have a “Gratitude Journal” in which I write down every day, the things for which I am grateful. It is surprising how many things you can think of when you begin to write them down, and this journal, at one time, was my life saver, when I was going through my darkest times with depression and feeling suicidal. I thoroughly recommend it to focus the mind on the many things there are to be grateful for and which are worth living for.

  17. sharon hicks said:

    I recently found this to very true. On New Years Eve , I/we almost broke up over a silly misunderstanding. but I pointed out the fact how much I was proud of Jason , and respected all he did in his professional career , and the way he planned our special time during the month , cutting back on work, (loosing money doing so ) spending quality time and doing special things , buying me flowers , just to see that silly smile it brings to my face, you know the all of a sudden shy , adrenaline rush , excitement , knowing he went out of his way to do this just FOR ME …when I am there I make him special lunches, and I will leave a little note/card sometimes letting him know I APPRECIATE HIM, What do I get in return ? a inner satisfaction I MADE HIS DAY BY SHOWING I CARE , and he takes care of me at night…:)

  18. Carol said:

    This is truly an awesome topic, and was beautifully executed by James, thank you. I was brought up by an Alcoholic and for a start that’s a big negative! but by persevering and going to Alanon which is for families and friends of Alcoholics, and doing the most positive things for myself that I can, you can change your thinking and your feelings and they do become. Each day I write in my gratitude journal at least 6 positive things, when you do this you are retraining the mind to see more of that than anything else and a lovely spiritual experience.

    When you change things around you change.

    Enjoy these wonderful messages.

    Cheers Carol NZ

  19. Beth Riley said:

    I am reading this email in my bed in the hospital recovering from a second foot surgery.
    I really love reading this right now!!! It is truth as true as truth can be! My personal experiences over the past year with this injury have taught me just this. Gratitude and positive thinking heals and attracts beautiful genuine people!
    I was in an accident where a deck collapsed at a friend’s dinner party and shattered my heel in the fall. I was on crutches for 5 months unable to put any pressure on my foot causing major atrophy and scar tissue. It has been a long recovery process.
    I am unable to take prescription pain killers because of the nausea and depression they cause. I started having suicidal thoughts after the first reconstruction surgery when I was taking the pain killers. That was Dec. 21 2012.
    When that started happening I decided to stop taking the drugs and work through the intense pain with hypnosis and guided meditations. They were audio downloads that I was blessed with while in the hospital after the first surgery.
    Dec. 31st was the day I made the switch. It’s hard not to be grateful when people show up to help in times of real struggle! New Years Eve some friends picked me up and took me to a house party. There way a man there who was genuinely sweet and helpful to me while I was on crutches dragging a huge plaster compression cast and working through intense physical pain. I wasn’t looking for romance or even to meet a guy in that condition. I was just so grateful to be there with friends and good music and food. I got this quiet sweet man to talk to me. We watched the sunrise together with friends and talked about music. We had a very innocent cuddle, didn’t even kiss just friendly.
    He gave me a ride home the next day and left his email address on the phone that fell out of my pocket in his car.We were pen pals for 6 months, emailing and texting while we both were healing. He from a previous long term relationship where his girlfriend was cheating on him for many years and me from my shattered heel.
    We have been dating for 8 months now. He is everything I have ever dreamed of and more. A genuine incredible man! We have so much fun together even being long distance. It’s not a fully committed relationship at the moment and I’m not pressuring him because in this moment I am so grateful to have time with such a wonderful person!
    I would never have met him if this tragic thing didn’t happen to me.
    I would not be in the wonderful condition I am in now having had hardware removal surgery this morning. Without the gratitude mental training I did last winter I would not have had so many wonderful people show up to help me through this injury.
    It works! Gratitude can be hard but there are ways to train the mind into making it a habit over negative thinking. I used subliminal hypnosis audio tracks, ho’oponopono, NLP, and the coaching advice and programs from coaches like yourself. Thank you so much for what you do! It works! It takes a month of real work to retrain the mind to positive thinking and gratitude but after that it becomes easier and then becomes habit. It works better than painkillers to heal broken bones and really builds self confidence. It’s working and I thank you and all the other coaching! I really appreciate this email today!!!

    • James Bauer said:

      Get well soon, Beth!

  20. Thanks James!
    Your post is so very inspiring and insightful.
    Being positive minded really is a choice that we must make each and everyday!
    It is not bestowed on us, we must reach for it and put it on in the same way we get dressed to face the world.

    As well, it starts with gratitude at least that is where it starts for me and it never fails.

    So, again thank you for sharing and caring.

    Yvonne Finn

  21. Cindy said:

    Thank You James, Even though I have been hurt repeatedly by giving my Love and not getting it back, I can not change who I am, If I Love someone I can’t hide it and really don’t understand why I should. I have loved in vain and still find the Strenght to do it again. Thank you for this message, You have confirmed that I should go with my feelings and not be affraid to Love. I continue to Hope, That True Love will come into My life. Blessing’s to You, Cindy

  22. Tina said:

    Thank you. It’s nice to be reminded to change our focus, it’s a win win all round. Your words of wisdom have a lovely uplifting effect, thanks.
    Tina x

  23. Jackie said:

    Thank you James it was a breath of fresh air just reading the email, no one could have said it better than you, you are a inspiration to my soul that email was an eye opener, I was giving up on myself and not believing in me anymore, thank you! From the instant I start reading it I start to smile, thanks again James.

  24. Very uplifting James and affects all aspects of our lives…Suzette

  25. Katy said:

    Thank you, people don’t hear this idea enough. I personally made a conscious decision years ago to be positive as I was noticing the heaviness of the negativity I saw around me.
    It’s so liberating to be grateful each day!! To look at situations from a positive point of view. I admire and comment on it when others practice this art….. negativity is so insidious.
    Happy, happy, joy, joy..

  26. Tracey said:

    What a timely post today. Just what I needed to be reminded of. What I enjoy about your writing is how much your authenticity shines through. You really are concerned about helping people be the best version of themselves they can be so that they can have truly meaningful relationships. I’m grateful!

  27. Karen said:

    Lovely post.

    Also, since we’re talking about gratitude, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the trouble to actually write often instead of posting a video as most “relationship coaches” do. I always open your emails n find content that’s useful. Most of the others have a link to a vid n I just hit delete!

  28. Xenia said:

    Hi James, thank you for this e-mail, saying thank you is not even enough for me to say. You have helped me feel better, uplift myself right now and gave me a clear understanding of what i should do for myself. I was crying and i just stopped because of I am reading your e-mail. I am so lucky to know you James, thanks again.

    • James Bauer said:

      Thanks for that feedback, Xenia. I’m glad my thoughts were helpful to you today.


  29. Cecilia Wambui said:

    Thank you so much James. You are such a blessing. Chosing to help us for free online to better our relationships ! I thank God for the mother who bore you. what a treasur! what a blessing to the world!
    Sincerely am never the
    same from when i subscribed to your site… We say it here in Nairobi, Kenya, Barikiwa sana sana & keep going……I believe in you!

  30. bernadette said:

    James, Thank you for your refreshing incite into the power of gratitude as well as the power of positive thinking. You are so inspiring and your messages come at just the right time in my life to open me up to new thought and mindful choices. Happiness really is a choice. I must say, I do get a little sad when I get close to the end of your daily Emails. But the positive side is there will be a new one in the next morning, if we are lucky enough to have another day.! God bless Bernadette.

  31. Nina Bains said:

    Wow im with you on practicing gratitude.

  32. Tina Kurrels said:

    Thank You James…I Am Very Grateful, For This Post, And For The Warm Feeling It Is Already Giving Me. I Appreciate…You! πŸ™‚ Tina

  33. Joyce Ngugi said:

    There is always a reason for all these things that heppen in our lives, be it bad or good.

  34. Karen Boone said:

    I strive to pratice gratitude in all aspects of my life on a daily basis. To love and be loved is a great gift to all. Thank you for a wonderful article.

  35. Jun Yang said:

    Thank you so much James. Your wrote such a wise and helpful article! I cried and cried when reading it. I remind myself to be grateful but often I forget how good life already is and I take things for granted.

    I really love the second last paragraph in your article “Don’t wait until you find the perfect person to give it to. Give it away in tiny doses to people who are not even fully deserving of it. Appreciating the beauty of the love you have within you will make you glow from the inside out. It will boost your immune system, lower your stress, and enhance the natural beauty of who you are.”. Thank you so much, James.

    • James Bauer said:

      I really appreciate feedback like this, Jun. Thanks for taking the time to write.

  36. Daniella said:

    I have just emailed this to my twin flame. We are not back together yet but every day I will send him some thing to jog his memory. This is one of the nicest and most beautiful paragraphs I have seen in a long time and it is one of those things I want to say but am not always so good at putting the words together. Thank you for posting this. x
    Today I am grateful for the opportunity to have a small influence in your life, hopefully in a positive direction. I believe you are valuable and intrinsically good. I believe you will be a creator as you consciously choose to direct the focus of your thoughts toward things you are grateful for. In short, I believe in you.

  37. Donna said:

    Thank you James. I really needed to hear that because I have a lot of love to give and was starting to be a little angry because it was nit being reciprocated as I think it should; however, this is the person God made, so I can’t be angry at the gift. Lord I thank you for the gift of Love.

    Thank you James.

  38. Diana said:

    Thank you for this wonderful thoughts! They so much fit to my current situation, when I’m aware that I give more love then I receive, but I actually feel happy, simply because love is always a benefit, for the other person and for ourselves too.

  39. Joyceline said:

    God bless you James for sharing this message.very uplifting.Thank you …beautiful soul.

  40. Marta said:

    Thank you, James! Your advice has been a tremendous help. I believe in you, too!

  41. Agnes said:

    Thank you, beautiful message.

  42. hauwa said:

    I have always believed in your words James,thank you for believing in me.

  43. Nancy said:

    Thank you James for such an inspirational message. It reminds me of a time I was very ill, dealing with inflammation in my body because my antibodies were attacking my muscle enzymes and debilitating me. I had to take high doses of steroids and I was very weak. My hair fell out, my face blew up, I had rashes in parts of my body, I was looking like a monster. Some mornings I couldn’t even get up from the bed without help. Because of this I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself. But one morning, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I began to pity myself again and asking God how was I going to get through another day like this, I can’t even move. Then something miraculous happened. God said, “Be grateful for what you can do, and for what you have.” That simple message changed my entire attitude. I began to say thank you because I can see, I can hear, I can eat, I can touch, I can talk, I have a job, I have a home, I have my family, my grandkids, I have insurance, I have …. so many things to be thankful for. The pity party stopped immediately and I was able to get dressed and go to work. Enough said!

    Love Nancy

  44. Maree Middleton said:

    Hello James
    About 10years ago I was grateful for everything that came my way and then I got lost along the way. Thank you for the inspiring and heart felt msgs and snooks, Just love reading what you have to say.
    I’m am sure what I put into practice is definitely working but my take some time to really improve..
    However I’m very greatful to you and everyone else who connects on different levels and to the universe. I am just greatful to a life in general.
    Thank you xo

    • Maree Middleton said:

      My apologies “Ebooks not snooks”

  45. Gerri said:

    This was a breath of fresh air. I needed it and I am sure others did as well. It reminds us to lighten up, breathe, be thankful and give to others and good will come to us.

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