Survey Results: One Trait Men Can’t Resist in a Woman

how to be attractiveA survey was done as men walked out of marriage license bureaus.

These are the guys we most want to hear from. They are the men who fell head-over-heels in love…AND popped the question, “Will you marry me?”

The survey asked why. Why did you ask this woman to marry you?

The survey revealed men’s number one reason for initial attraction to a woman was her energetic and positive attitude.

In other words, being upbeat and happy is attractive to men who want a life-long commitment.

It turns out that putting happiness as a high priority in your life can help you catch a keeper. They may be lured in by that sexy, pouty lower lip, but it won’t hold them for long.

Men may not be emotional geniuses, but their instincts serve them well on this measure of emotional intelligence. Are there ways to change your own basic happiness level?

Yes! I’m sure you’ve experienced it yourself at various times in your life.

Sometimes a simple perspective change allows us to shift into a more relaxed mode where it becomes easier to appreciate life in all its to be attractive

Has that ever happened to you? You are rushing and stressing and trying so hard, when something in the present moment catches your attention. It happened to me once in a parking lot as I hurried toward a building on a sunny spring morning.

The sky was so blue it caught my attention. My perspective changed. I turned my thoughts away from what was coming later in the day and found myself appreciating the present moment as it unfolded. I noticed a tiny white flower growing out of a small crack in the pavement. I stopped walking and just stared at it. I noticed a pleasant fragrance in the gentle breeze that danced past my face. I was immersed in the present moment, the here and now.

The His Secret Obsession can teach you how to tap into that happiness and energy more often. When you’re dating, a mind focused on relationship outcomes “removes you” from the type of full engagement men find most attractive.

People can sense it. When your attention rests fully in the moment, the people interacting with you can tell. It’s too subtle to put into words, but the effect can be profound. Why? Because a person who is fully present makes you feel more significant, more noticed, more appreciated. These are things all humans crave.

We don’t know how, but the shift from “future mind” to “present mind” is palpable when you are trying to experience what it’s like to be in the presence of a potential romantic partner.

The next time you find yourself interacting with a guy you like, practice the art of bringing your mind fully to the present moment.

To Your Happy Relationships,

James Bauer

P.S. Stay tuned for the next email where I show you exactly how to find out where your relationship is going without messing things up

His Secret Obsession

Discover something every man is secretly obsessed with.

It's something he CRAVES... More than love, more than money, even more than sex.

This one secret obsession holds the key to winning a man's love, attention, and total devotion for LIFE but not one woman in a thousand even knows it exists!

And those that do almost never share it with another soul.

Learn More

Why Men Shut Women Out - A Special Report By Slade Shaw. Get Your Free Special Report
Get Your Free Report

71 thoughts on “Survey Results: One Trait Men Can’t Resist in a Woman

  1. Kerry Campbell said:

    James, I have a situation I’m not sure how to process and move forward. I dated and fell in love with a man who broke things off rather quickly, stating he loves me he just is not in love with me. His feelings were strong at first and changed very quickly. He continues to tell me he loves and cares about me and that he is even sexually attracted to me. I moved myself out of the friend zone when I realized he was not going to change his mind regarding the breakup and stopped communicating. Recently he called and asked if I would come over and talk. He had a fire going and we opened a bottle of wine and ordered in. It felt very familiar and comfortable but he was on a mission to tell me something important. He revealed to me that he had looked up his high school girl friend who he was married to for 6 months before she ran off with a bartender. He believes she is the key to his broken heart and why he was not allowing himself to fall in love with me. He wanted me to hear it from him that he was getting involved with her and not through other people. He hasn’t even told his kids because he is certain they will not approve. Furthermore he wanted advice on how to move this woman’s disabled daughter to our state since that was a field I had some knowledge in. Despite my broken heart and disappointment I told him I was happy for him, that I still loved him but that I was moving on. I confessed I thought it was a fantasy for him to get back with this woman but that he probably needed to play this hand out so that he would know one way or the other. He said he believed in Hallmark stories. We were very affectionate as we talked and even commented on how we missed the easy way we were with each other. The next day I fell apart. I went ahead and got the information he needed and passed it on to him but at the same time I let him know how terribly painful it was for me and how unfair it was to ask me to do this for him. I really let him have it, as much as one can over texting. He then said he was sorry and it was a mistake to involve me and he would not do so anymore. I told him it was too late, I was involved and I would like to know the outcome. I later asked him to call me because I had more information for him but he has not. He did post on facebook how thankful he was for his dearest friends; Im pretty confident that was for me. So now what? Do I just let him move this woman here and sit back while he figures out his mistake? I think this woman is below him socially as well. She works at a gas station and collects a government check for her daughter. He’s a respected contractor with high dollar clients and friends. I think he wants to be her hero and I can’t compete with that and her high school first love memory.

    • James Bauer said:

      Ahh, Kerry. This is a troubling scenario, and I can understand why it feels so bad.

      In some ways it makes it worse (for you) that he is being so sincere and honest with you about what he is planning next. I hate to admit it, but this is the kind of action I would advise a man to take if he wants to treat women with the dignity and respect they deserve. Sometimes the stars just don’t align at the right moment.

      I would just keep in mind that time is on your side now. If you are right (and he’s not a good match for this woman) your actions and way of being with him now will either create a foundation or create a block for the possibilities that may yet emerge between the two of you in the future.

  2. lisa said:

    How can I continue my marriage when I do not love my partner? When I feel like he is not the one? I have been betrayed not one but twice.

  3. Nana said:

    I’m sending this because I feel a bit helpless and confused and scared. Briefly, I had a relationship that just came to an abrupt end in March. No reason he just became distant and initially I tried to reach out to no avail so I let it be. We hadn’t communicated well in 3mnths. He called within the period to ask how I was doing. Problem now is I transferred to his company n he’s being too touchy and always teasing. It’s freaking me out… he wants to talk and I’m not comfortable with it. What should I do??

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Nana. Setting boundaries can feel intimidating because it feels like a confrontation. But it’s a short-term discomfort that is necessary for your long-term psychological health in the workplace. For some people it’s easier to write down their thoughts instead of saying them in person. So you might consider sending an email that explains why you feel uncomfortable with the teasing and unprofessional touch.

      • Nana said:

        I don’t know what he’s up to. It’s calling unnecessary attention. 
        I feel he’s trying to get me confused. I still love him a lot but then I can’t ‎seem to read through him and I don’t know what he really wants. 

  4. Marilyn potts said:

    I met ? In high school. We had high school romance this was 1969. I went to college after we broke up. He stood me up from prom. I forgave him and after about 2 years we started dating again. This time we had sexual relations when I came home on breaks. I don’t think that we loved each other we were young and dumb. Well years have passed, I got married to an abusive man. I always thought of ? . And have been searching for him in real life and also in my dreams. Finally , after my divorce, we found each other again after 35 years. I think that I love him. I can’t seem to move on. We are friends and text often 735 texts in 6 months. We are sexual texting. As we are in our 60’s . Sex has not been consummated, I want to but he seems to be impotent. I still want him. He wants only to be friends. But we seem to be moving slowly to something more at least in my mind. What can I do to move him forward. He says that he is to set in his ways to commit, but he shows a lot of interest in me intermittently. Like he doesn’t want to let me go.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Marilyn. You’ve learned a lot across your lifetime, and your ability to sense the truth has no doubt deepened over the years. So let me ask you this. What is the truth behind his intentions?

      Based on what you’ve written here, I believe you have already come to a conclusion about that. You sense that he has mixed emotions, a divided mind.

      So it may be that the real question is this. What do you, Marilyn, want in your life right now? Does it feel like a good decision to pursue this man given what you know about his mixed feelings? Is that something you want in your life at this point? Or does your deeper wisdom tell you there is a better path toward romance yet to be discovered with someone else?

  5. Holly said:

    Hi James. Your blog is amazing, a real eye opener. Here is my problem. I’m sort of seeing this guy, who 20 years ago I walked away from because I fell in love with him. I was only 17 at the tine, but I chose to leave rather than tell him how I felt because he was and still is the one person I couldn’t handle breaking my heart. We’ve spoken many times over the last 20 years and I’ve recently moved back. One night he came round and this was the 1st time we saw each other in20 years, to say that we fell back into the way we were easily, would be an understatement. It was like no time had passes at all. This was 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen him twice in that time and its been amazing, like old times. We message all the time. He has said that it’s good to see me, talk to me, be with me in any way. Our relationship isn’t conventional, it wasn’t when we were younger either. He says, and I believe him because I know him so well, that he has never and would never have this kind of relationship with anyone else because he doesn’t have this connection with anyone else. The problem is that we’ve both been through terrible relationships and are both scared. He hasn’t said that but I’m guessing it is from what he’s said about being hurt by his ex. I never did tell him the reason I left. How do I deal with this, because I’ve never stopped loving him and I don’t want to ruin what we have, in fact I want to finally give us the chance I walked away from. I just don’t want to scare him off. Do I tell him that I fell in love with him 20 years ago and I still do?

    • James Bauer said:

      Holly, your relationship story is beautiful in many ways. It could have a happy ending. Or it could become one of those stories that makes you sad and teaches a lesson about going after what you want in life rather than holding back and living with regret.

      Generally speaking, life turns out better for those who get clear about what they want, become willing to pay the price to get it, and then take consistent action to move toward the life they have envisioned.

      The price you have to pay is this. You must become willing to accept the fact that loving another person gives them the power to create emotional pain in your life. If you decide your love for this man is worth paying that price, then you will know what to do next.


      • Bibi said:

        James, thanks for all this chat. Unfortunately my country can not access your on line offers. In the morning we had breakfast together, in the afternoon he brought me a gift and said he just wants to be friends.. Its been a healthy and mostly happy relationship until now for over a year. Frustrated since I am unable to get the info on line that I need. Kindly advise..

  6. manjari said:

    I can only say that ur principals are best… I hope I can surely take advantage from it….I’m an andian woman ,married to a ordinary businessman, but I always failed when I need support and love from mother in law act as a catalyst in our fight . My problem is I can’t express my a better way I am short temper and this prove me wrong ..infact I want to escape from this relationship but this wiil harm my kids future..also I have no talent that help me in living my life without dependency………i have to continue my life with him only …

  7. Suzanne Hughes said:

    Thank you for your helpful advice-for once I have gotten out of the trap of being someone psychotherapist! I had met a guy online we talked and seem to have very very mutual interests and definite chemistry. However, when we met although he was friendly-I kind of got the feeling that he wasn’t as into me as I was into him. Indeed it was confirmed when he said he found me attractive and said there was some sexual tension but no chemistry. He then proceeded to invite me over to his house where there was a little bit of physical contact absolutely no sex however, After all was said and done he got up and spent about 20 minutes doing something in his bedroom-on his cell phone! He then proceeded to come back into the room and talk about his ex-girlfriend and how crazy she is! Clearly this man is not ready for a emotionally ready woman he likes the drama of the Chase to the point where he rather go after A psycho. Anyway long story short he told me to text him last Sunday when I got home and I get it. So he has been texting me now but I have not answered him. On Monday he texted me and then Wednesday he texted me saying are you not talking to me how thin it is now Friday and I still have not answered him. I do not want to be the filler for someone. It wasn’t even that difficult to do so I guess I am gaining some confidence in terms of what I want. I don’t think he meant that he wasn’t interested I think he meant that he prefers someone who goes through all the drama and just can’t admit it. Next time I talk to a man and he brings up his ex-girlfriend continually I will know not to take it past that point. Thank you for saving me! LOL

  8. gita said:

    hi james, thanks for your advice. i understand little bit. hehe. im gita indonesian, 2 years ago i met a guy on virtual from protugal. we had been in relationship just for 5 months on virtual, but still talk everyday a lot on skype. even finally he honestly to me he have son from his x-gf, but still i love him so much until now. 1 year ago i looking for many ways to meet him go to portugal, then i did! we spent 10 days together. so beautiful moment. but.. it didnt work.. he stil dont want to be relationship or make real commitment, even he told me he want to back to his x gf and his son.. im so hurt. but i already loved him, i tried many times to looking another love, but he.. too special for me. he is my first love, now im 27 years old, i really need love. and i need him , im always think he is my future for my kids, i dont know why. then finaly i brave to taking decision. now im back to portugal, i want settle here to be near with him. now im working as maid in the family. to survive here alone not easy for me, moreover im not rich people. but he just the one who help me so much and care about me. he is so nice, he is my hero. but, still i cant get him. now he back to his x gf and his son. but he dont want to marry her. but once a month met me, talk, have fun, even do something more which not good cause he not single anymore now. im feel bad, cause i cant get his love, but he addicted to do fun with me. he is so complicated. i dont understand how his mindset, how his feeling. im ltille bit depressed now, cause ,,, so difficult to get him back, altough i did many things for him.. i need help ASAP, i wanna be happy

    • Alice Snider said:

      He is using you .the next time he wants to connect with you even if it is hard. Tell him no thank you go back to your girlfriend & son that’s who you love. Save your money & go back home. You love him but he will never have those feelings for you. Sorry honey he’s not good enough for you.

  9. Wilma said:

    Hi James, I do not know what to do anymore. When my boyfriend and I are together we can not get enough of each other. The way he looks at me and touches me makes me feel like I am the only woman alive. We have the most awesome connection I’ve ever had with a man but the second he walks out the door he forgets about me. He barely phone or text me. He is not overly hasty to come over or to answer the phone when I call but the minute we see each other again he cannot keep his eyes off of me for 1 second. How do you explain this? He is killing me. I am crying myself asleep every night…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Wilma. Some men (and fewer women) are out of sight, out of mind type people. They are present with whomever is around, rather than trying to reach out to others from a distance. But for a better response we would need more background information and some time to ponder the best advice. If that’s something you feel you need right now, my relationship coaches are ready.


  10. Mary Ann said:

    I was married for 15years and divorced my husband. Before 12 mo had passed we were reconciling..then he moved back in. We have 2 children. We planned to remarry on 12-12-2010. 9–2010 i was diagnosed w/late stage leukemia. 2 remissions and a bone marrow transplant later we still live together. 1 child now in college 1 about to finish HSchool. March 2014 i learned he was texting a girl. I asked him to recommit and give us a chance. He agreed. We have had a roller coaster since my diagnosis of health issues and financial issues. I am in full remission currently and learned 12-16-2014 he has been involved with this same girl since may or June. So basically he was living a double life for 7 months. The day i discovered this i askes him to leave. We had not been intimate at all since April 2014 because he said he was needing some space and some “him” time. We were 42 in 2014. I assumed he was going through mid life crisis and gave him his space. Afterall he was there all through my illness for our children and I. So here we are 43. He is living with that girl who is 27 and a coworker of his. I sold the place we lived which was a remodeling nightmarw and have set up a really nice place for my son and I . At my initiative he comes over to visit and eat a few times a week. He is not in bliss with the “other” woman anymore. His cheating was so out of character for him. We have had a really hard and stressful 5 years. I want to try again and see if, now that i am healthy and our house is comfortable, if there is anything there. He is considering it as he has said its not all great with her . ..but there are feelings there. I was considering the irresistible ebook of yours and the l i saw a link on your sight for Bob Grants ebooks. I dont have the financial means to buy 4-6 ebooks as there are many that fit our situation. I am a single parent currently providing solely for 1 minor child and helping another through college. He says he still loves me and always will. He says there are times he wants to be with me at my home, times he wants to be with her and times he wishes he was on his own. I would like to lure him back ad be irresistible and show him respect and well just do everything in all those ebooks to be honest. We are not intimate ans inwill not go there and neither will he while there is another involved. So that is off the table but i can do all the other things . ..what ebook is the most important for me to start with and can you give me any advice? I know if i better understood what he was thinking and how to respond to him they way he wants and needs i am. Certain he will try again. Then i can do all the things husbands “need to hear” etc…you see my delimma . many ebooks fit my situation. Thanks!!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mary Ann. Your situation is a very difficult one. It seems your man is very confused and that is the primary problem. Nonetheless, you are right to focus on what power you have to influence the situation. Why don’t you try my course and see what you can learn from it. The main reason I have a 100% refund policy is because you can’t know before going through a course whether it is going to be useful in your particular situation. You have nothing to lose by giving it a try and deciding if it’s right for you.

      Wishing you the best,


      • Nina said:

        Exactly how does one access the course after paying for it? I must have lost some emails somewhere… ???

      • James Bauer said:

        Hey Nina. I went ahead and forwarded your email address to our support team to make sure they follow up with you and get you access to the course you purchased. Thanks for supporting my work!


  11. jd said:

    hi i have a distant relationship . we never seen us ,but he all ways was asking for some money to get here i stopped it and he stopped talking to me for days or some times weeks he told me he cherish and loves me , am the only woman in his life and he told his family and friends he only will marry me ,but i do not believe it any more as this was going on for 4 years now i can and do look after my self very good , i stand up for my self , i told him that , as i been alone for over 30 years now , but i cant get a real good man to be with me , am 62 but not look it , every thing u sayed in your emails i been doing all my life but still nothing .lors knows why , i like reading your emails

    • James Bauer said:


      Never send money to someone you have never met. It is usually (though not always) a scam artist trying to extract money from you with no intention of actually pursuing a real relationship with you.

      • Your’s is a point of view where real inelctigenle shines through.

  12. Jena said:

    I have a different story, I got involved with a married man. What started off as friends developed into more. Now, he has pulled back and says he is trying to decide what he wants, or whether he can make his marriage work or not, as they have grown kids, and a business together. We say we won’t text or call, but then he starts texting me again, and I get sucked back into talking to him. But I feel pain, as Im not feeling the love and attention he gave me. He tells me he loves me, but I want him to decide for himself if he wants his marriage or not. Im not a home wrecker and don’t mess with married men, this just happened. I don’t wish to be the one telling him what to do, but I can’t be that crutch for him when he’s not getting his emotional needs met by his wife. So what do I do when he starts texting me again? Ignore? Feel very confused and upset, love some help here!

  13. Li said:

    Thank you James for all your efforts to share with us your wisdoms, I feel they are very valuable and I am going to apply them in my relationship straight away…and looking forward tom your next one…thank you!!!

  14. Tiffany said:

    Hi James,
    So far, I am loving the emails. U really do seem to ur stuff. My comment is related to a part of dating that has confused me over the years. A guy friend of mine n I have liked onesnother for years now, but have not attempted to do anything about it until recently. He has basically made it a habit to text me every day to say good morning or call for a short conversation and to hear my voice, but their are also times where he will go a day or 2 without saying anything at all n I honestly don’t know if he’s waiting to see if I’ll contact him or not, or what the deal is. Growing up I was taught that men should lead and be the aggressor, taking it upon themselves to actually court the woman whom they desire. Nowadays however, women have chosen to be more aggressive in going after a the man whom they desire. So my question is, is it better for a woman to kind of lean back and allow a man to initiate the courting/dating process or is it ok for a woman to step up and take that role?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Tiffany. You have set this question up as an all or nothing decision. The best approach will not be to replace his role as the one pursuing you. Neither will it be to be completely passive and wait to see what he will do. The best approach will involve sending signals that invite him to take the next step in the relationship. This eases his anxiety while revealing a clear path he can take if the desire to move forward is mutual. There are many subtle ways to do this. Look for them.

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