Survey Results: One Trait Men Can’t Resist in a Woman

how to be attractiveA survey was done as men walked out of marriage license bureaus.

These are the guys we most want to hear from. They are the men who fell head-over-heels in love…AND popped the question, “Will you marry me?”

The survey asked why. Why did you ask this woman to marry you?

The survey revealed men’s number one reason for initial attraction to a woman was her energetic and positive attitude.

In other words, being upbeat and happy is attractive to men who want a life-long commitment.

It turns out that putting happiness as a high priority in your life can help you catch a keeper. They may be lured in by that sexy, pouty lower lip, but it won’t hold them for long.

Men may not be emotional geniuses, but their instincts serve them well on this measure of emotional intelligence. Are there ways to change your own basic happiness level?

Yes! I’m sure you’ve experienced it yourself at various times in your life.

Sometimes a simple perspective change allows us to shift into a more relaxed mode where it becomes easier to appreciate life in all its to be attractive

Has that ever happened to you? You are rushing and stressing and trying so hard, when something in the present moment catches your attention. It happened to me once in a parking lot as I hurried toward a building on a sunny spring morning.

The sky was so blue it caught my attention. My perspective changed. I turned my thoughts away from what was coming later in the day and found myself appreciating the present moment as it unfolded. I noticed a tiny white flower growing out of a small crack in the pavement. I stopped walking and just stared at it. I noticed a pleasant fragrance in the gentle breeze that danced past my face. I was immersed in the present moment, the here and now.

The His Secret Obsession can teach you how to tap into that happiness and energy more often. When you’re dating, a mind focused on relationship outcomes “removes you” from the type of full engagement men find most attractive.

People can sense it. When your attention rests fully in the moment, the people interacting with you can tell. It’s too subtle to put into words, but the effect can be profound. Why? Because a person who is fully present makes you feel more significant, more noticed, more appreciated. These are things all humans crave.

We don’t know how, but the shift from “future mind” to “present mind” is palpable when you are trying to experience what it’s like to be in the presence of a potential romantic partner.

The next time you find yourself interacting with a guy you like, practice the art of bringing your mind fully to the present moment.

To Your Happy Relationships,

James Bauer

P.S. Stay tuned for the next email where I show you exactly how to find out where your relationship is going without messing things up

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67 thoughts on “Survey Results: One Trait Men Can’t Resist in a Woman

  1. Riya said:

    Hello 🙂
    I have only heard/read ur blogs for 24 hours(not continuously) now. I can’t help but say u r awesome :). I am an Indian (26 f) and I met this Egyptian guy(22)…I am a lil attracted to him and I think even he is attracted to me 🙂 It has never been a problem to like or to be liked so far, but this guy is just so different. Maybe its the cultural difference, I just don’t get him at times. But I so liked the part where you mentioned respect principle 🙂 It just clicked well 🙂 🙂 Thanks !!! You rock !


    • Monica Trevino said:

      It is truly nice to know this . I have an upbeat personality and i really know why men seem to be attracted to me. i guess some just don’t have that in their lives and seem to look for it elsewhere. But it is good to know . I get along well and better with men than women. That’s a fact.

  2. Rebecca McAfee Wheeler said:

    The respect principle was excellent advice, and I do respect the new man I am getting to know, and the one about being positive & energetic is also great news because that’s my natural state, but I didn’t know for certain if he would like that quality in me. So whew! Good news and thanks a million for the advice! -Rebecca from Houston

  3. Teri said:

    Hi just started reading your blog and thank you so much.
    I am a positive and energetic women and I did think this would scare men away but of late I have found it does attract them. So I cant wait to read your next blog because I cant I have a great man in my life at the moment and I want to keep him interested in us and I do hope to build a future with him. So any times on how not to push or scare him away would be great at this point. Teri from Brisbane QLD AUS

  4. Ginn said:

    I liked both these fore mentioned articles. the only problem is I live on the other side of the state we both work and he works 6 to 7 days a week and we only text these days. We took a 4 day whirl wind trip a couple months ago and things were going good until the worst thing happened in bed to him and I had never encountered the before, didn’t make a big deal out of it cause we were both tired. I think it was difficult for him to deal with and when we got back to our own sides of the state, I got a text saying “I am dating” and I wished him the best. a couple weeks ago he began texting again and has begun to read the Bible which is good, but there is an attitude change. He has sent me text daily and I respond upbeat and positive and wishing he were here….don’t know what else to do. Have farm animals and cant just leave for the weekend. help??

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Ginn. There’s not doubt, long-distance relationships come with an extra set of complexities. Perhaps it would help if you took some time to contemplate what your first short-term goal is with this gentleman. Be very specific. For example, do you want to see him again, or would a better goal right now be something else? Getting specific about your goal often brings insights about the next step we should take. I know this is a small step, but as they say, “A journey begins with a single step.”

  5. Kassi said:

    I have such a hard time being playful. I tend to be so serious, and it seems to intensify the older I get. I have always been as optimist until I was involved in a few auto accidents and got hit by a car as a pedestrian. Now my post trauma takes over and I feel almost like a freak at times. How can I get over this, live in the moment, and be positive instead of worried that something might go wrong or take a turn for the worst?

    • Vicky said:

      Very good question, I am in a similar situation with one health problem. I may have scared off a guy with my less-than-always-happy feeling.
      Oh, I so wish to meet a man who knows that life is not always about total bliss and effortless playtime! Interestingly, when I was with him I tended to focus on a present moment and enjoy our interactions than he did with all his ongoing dramas and baggage. Maybe men are the weaker gender here, as I could handle a man with serious issues, while he ran away when I only showed a bit of vulnerability. Should I be less tolerant?

      • Kim said:

        This is something I struggle with as well – How do you handle this? I am normally a very positive, optimistic person, but when I tend to show the least bit of worry or negativity it tends to turn guys off. I have issues from my past that I am struggling with (as we all do) but how do you not let that be an issue and focus on the present?

  6. sharon hicks said:

    This really stuck home..i tend to bottle up my problems , then explode…I have only been in this relationship for 4 months and really want it to thrive …he keeps telling me not to sweat the small stuff….if I don’t stop…I will loose him….so as of tonight when I talk to him, I am going to be the up beat no worries woman he needs and I do believe wants… thank you for that piece of advice….you just may have saved another relationship….

    • James Bauer said:

      Can I just say…I really appreciate those of you who go out of your way to post encouraging comments like this. Thank you. It means a lot to me.

    • Paula said:

      Okay… But don’t lose yourself here. It’s not a role in a play.

  7. Melissa said:

    I guess misery really doesn’t love company so to speak..i met and fell in love with a man with chronic pain and I also suffer from..i recently suffered an injury which left me with more than my baseline pain….initially, he was drawn me i know because i understood what this was like, but now, he shows no support for me, moved out of the house and just doesn’t want to hear anything related to this from me…no compassion for me at all..just tells me to “suck it up”…”learn to deal with it”…How do i deal with this?….should i kick him to the curb?….I really love this guy and cannot understand his lack of empathy for me….HELP

    • James Bauer said:

      I am sorry to hear about the increased pain you are going through (both physical and emotional). I wish he could be more compassionate. It seems you are fairly certain his reason for moving out and becoming so cold is related to your medical situation. Do you have a reason to believe that? Have you asked him directly why the relationship is no longer attractive to him? That would be a good place to start if he has not made it clear that your physical pain is the deterrent.

      • HERE’S WHAT I KNOW AbOUT GUYS & PAIN: I was in an accident last year, damaged my neck, spine, tore my left rotator cuff and right bicep, due to our then carpenter’s negligence. Not realizing what the delayed pain was all about, I went out of the country to visit my daughter and son-in-law for Christmas, It became a disaster! The escalating pain got so bad, I became bed-ridden for most of each day, only going out for dinner with them. Due to their situation (he’s in US Navy), they had no time to cook at home. Each time I moved, had to get into their truck, etc. I was in agony.
        My son-in-law had very little empathy, which was even more hurtful. (He subsequently injured his own back becoming a lot more empathetic to mine.)
        Now back home, I have a couple of male friends and my own brother whose ‘take’ on my situation is the same – no empathy. They say I fabricated it all!!! (I’m still fairly athletic at age 69 and value that immensely. Why would I?)
        Contemplating this for many months and as I think of it now (thanks to you), I come to 5 possIble conclusions:
        1. These guys are male ‘stoics’ who hold things inside (and they are all suffering from heart ailments – so not a good solution to deal with unpleasant situations)
        2. They are afraid to admit to their own or anyone else’s vulnerabilities in case it reflects back on them.
        3. They can’t deal with their own pain let alone some else’s and don’t want ‘mirrored reminders’..
        4. They can’t.stand competition from anyone else’s pain. It detracts from the attention they need.
        5. Pain is their ‘BADGE OF COURAGE’.
        MY OWN SOLUTIONS TO DIMINISHING/ELIMINATING PAIN: I endorse making a huge effort to deal with pain. As we are able to lessen pain, we are also able to heal better and faster. I did a lot of breathing exercises daily, Tylenol, had physiotherapy twice a week for 9 months (first brutal ‘tui na’ for increased circulation, then a light feather-touch massage which also helped my escalated blood sugar – from stress- regulate, and osteotherapy), recently found some Theta-inducing meditation tapes which helped immensely, and 9 months later, I am almost pain-free and mostly healed.
        I would say that the Theta meditation tapes would have been pretty quick healers if I had had access to them initially, and the light feather-touch massage is fantastic, along with osteopathic treatments, too!
        MEN: are very SENSITIVE. When ‘damaged’, a man wants immediate and total attention to all his painful needs. He doesn’t want ‘competition’ taking away from his situation, or any ‘reminders’ from ours. Maybe a gentle statement to him saying you now realize and understand where he is coming from would be a pertinent and empathetic remark to prompt him to open up to you again.
        I will also point out that when I am in pain, I don’t have much energy or patience to empathize with someone else in the same situation. That may be the reason that the boyfriend in pain, left. Wish I could help more & maybe showing greater empathy toward him & sharing my solutions with him can bring him back, if that’s what you would like.
        Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want solutions, though. I had a short-time boyfriend who had suffered a rotator cuff tear in university football many years back, and had had several gun-shot wounds as an undercover detective with the Canadian Air Force, Canadian Mounted Police, FBI, Interpol. He complained regularly about the pain, but when I offered solutions, he refused them all including massage and therapy. The pain was his own peculiar BADGE OF COURAGE that he could BRAG about, which fed his dysfunctional ego!!!! He was a pretty nice guy, but I left him to his dysfunction, while I am now free to respond to the man of my dreams! All my best to you.

  8. Jackie said:

    This really is a eye opener, met this guy through a mutual friend we were talking for about a month every day and all of a sudden he just stop calling or texting doesn’t answer his phone or even text back, just need some answer am I not playful enough sorry to say it was long distance.

  9. hazel said:

    Hi James,

    All what you have just said to me make sense. It is true, being in a relationship means happiness and friendship to ease things. That is why i do not agree with virgo guys who want long term relationships before they can know your the one because by the time you ask for their commitement he will be bored or might think you are pressurising them, other things must be delt with whiles you are both enjoying being together so that you now where you are going with the person. If not the right one you must not regret the time waisted as specially when two people are compatable and have a lot th in common. I as an individual life is not perfect but if both us are committed we can make wonders. I understand people wanting perfection but they must also be example of what they expect from their partners not be the opposite.

  10. Alyssa Chu said:

    Yo! Your advice was great man. I think i understand more about how a guy really thinks. Its been my second day of reading these emails and i havent been having the silent treatment that i usually get from my brother and father. I think i’ll level up with my other guy aquaintances and maybe get lucky. Thanks for the advice! ‘Till the next email.

  11. Dian said:

    your advice is great and I have been with a man for 9 months now and I cant let go of my past and how I have been treated by other men so I constantly think he will do me the same way. It is long distance and he works a lot, I want to spend more time with him but he cant should I wait on him. how can I get him to really commit?

    • James Bauer said:

      Ugh…long distance is hard…but not impossible. I think for LD relationships to work you both must go above and beyond in clearly communicating what you both intend for the relationship. Otherwise it is not worth it. Don’t try to date a guy long distance unless he is willing to commit to something specific (even if it is only to spend 3 months getting to know each other before deciding what to do next).

      • Lauri said:

        James… I am in a LD relationship… and it was one I never expected. We have been communicating for almost 2 1/2 months… every day. He is currently overseas and is going out of his way to do what he can to come and meet me… to see me. What guy does this?! I feel I have something special… and am just being me… and I know that is what is important. I read over the “shopping for men: top 10 list”… this guy has hit every single one! I think it is worth every bit of the effort of getting to know him LD… it has built a friendship and gathering of data… to see if this will really work! 🙂

        • James Bauer said:

          That’s great to hear!

      • Crystal said:

        I was also chatting to a guy everyday. We got very close. After 3 months he told me he fell in love with someone on a networking site and his heart is with her. She has decided to stay with her husband. I was really hurt because why act interested in me when you are in love with someone else – low life. I have since learnt he is a player and seeks woman to satisfy his loneliness and just to have fun but of course he doesn’t tell them that. There have been a couple that have fallen for him but as soon as she does that then he ignores them flat. Be very careful on here

  12. Leanne said:

    Hi James
    I’m really enjoying your emails so far.
    I was hoping I could send you an email. I sent it to your support staff by mistake. I don’t want to send it via this forum as it is very personal.
    Kind Regards

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Leanne. For very personal issues, you might want to hire us (me and my relationship coaching team) for personalized responses to your email questions.

  13. bholar said:

    i have been reading ur blogs in the past days and i must say i really do enjoy reading …my story is diffrent and really long but i will try to make it as short as possible,i am in a relationship with a man i tot loved me but its obvious am the one who loves him,i got a 3yrs old kid for him but before the year i had the kid i found out he was cheating with a girl who has sex with people for money in a house that i payed for,he denied ever having sex with the girl and said he only goes to see her when he feels bored at home while i go to work to earn money to pay our bills,he appologised and promised to stop seeing the girl and i accepted him back,the following year i ad a baby,well that year we ad misunderstanding and even couple of time he hits me ,well that went on,one day he saw me talking to the neibor,he got furrious and accused me of cheating,which wasnt true,he hit me that night and said i could leave him if i wanted but i sudnt think of taking his kid with me,thats my fear now,everytime i want to leave i get scared of what he will do to me and the kid..recently he was using the pc and signed onto his messenger i told him i wanted to use the pc and he just got up without signing off,then a lady said i,i decided to view the history of thier chat and i noticed he has been talking to this lady since 2011 and few times he invited her to visit out town and asked them to hook up,etc,i quickly saved all the am not just certain of what to do,he doesnt pay bills ,he is not responsible,but i want my little girl to have her daddy and am so scared too.pls help

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi. While I focus on improving relationships and helping you capture the attention of the man you want, I cannot transform a lazy, abusive partner into someone worthy of your time and attention.
      In order to be a good mother to your child, you need to have strong boundaries with a man like this. You can allow your child to interact with him as a father without letting him poison your life. At least one of the child’s two parents needs to be strong and stable. This is a situation where I think you might be better off seeking professional counseling. The support may reduce your fear while also helping with the practical steps needed to maintain safety in the home.

      • Kate K said:

        I agree. People will walk on a rug. Stand up and be visible. Trying to please is impossible. Be pleasant instead, and be real. A man can handle obstacles.

  14. Gina said:

    James, Thank you for your inspirational guiding principles. I’ve just subscribed to your site, just last week but I can see great change in my relationship. As I was reading today’s entry, I decided to apply the Respect Principle in my own way. I sent my fiancé a text this morning giving him my own standing ovation for the reports he is presenting at the Board Meeting. He was very busy a couple of days ago preparing for this meeting and I was left lonely and wanting. Instead of complaining, the Respect Principle prompted me to salute him for his hard work, energy and excellence. Luckily the text reached him during break time and guess what, he immediately called, laughing his lungs out! He referred me to the horoscope in one of the papers saying that the traits I’ve labeled him with are the same on the star guide. He could not cut the line up until he ordered me to get the day’s paper and read it for him and I did this whilst we were both laughing and enjoying the conversation. After reading for him, he said it was not from the Paper he was referring to, unfortunately, I didn’t have the paper in question (it was good for me because he would thought I just copied and pasted it on him). He has promised he’s going to read it for me after the lunch break (can’t wait!), despite his focused day with the Board today, its unimaginable he’s going to spend some naughty time reading a horoscope for me. The underlining factor I am learning is that the conversation I started through the text is actually uplifting the winning lion in him! I have given him Respect! The man is overjoyed, he’s so happy. I am learning to appreciate his other efforts which he emphasizes to help him actualize his ego, he is a perfectionist when it comes to work and I want to take it positively than the other side. He has promised me dinner this evening (Wow, Monday evening, that’s my bonus!), he says he wants to make up for the silent weekend in which he went into silence with his work. Respect Principle has already started bearing fruits in my relationship, you are my hero James.

    • James Bauer said:

      Awesome! Thanks for sharing your success experience with applying the principle.

  15. Wilmien said:

    Hi James
    Thanks for the great blog.the question I have I how can a woman be honest about difficult circumstance without sending all men running to the seems men often want to ‘save’ me initially but then realize it is hard work and leave.I am a strong woman and I’m starting to think I need a man with hair on his teeth to be my mate.I’m a single parent and I work extremely hard.I jump many hoops to accomodate a partner but it seems partners flee once they realize this is tough.

    • James Bauer said:

      That’s a great question. You have definitely sparked attraction with several men, but they lose heart when they realize how complex your life is, and how complex that will make their life if they make you a central part of it. To navigate that field well, you will need to talk openly with them in a gradual progression. You don’t want to scare them off right away before they have realized how wonderful you would be as a partner, but once they start to see some of the difficulty, you need to discuss it openly.

      And here’s the key. You need to discuss it openly along with plans for working together to maximize the fun and joy the relationship can bring despite the constraints you face. You’ll have to have that conversation at several points as he gradually realizes the various things you have to manage in your life. By discussing the possibilities for something good, it diminishes the psychological impact of the problems that would otherwise dominate his thoughts when he considers his relationship with you.


  16. Mary said:

    I have been communicating with a Virgo man on line for about 2 months .I have spoken to him only once when he called . He has raised his children by himself as his wife left him. He lives in Manitoba and i in Quebec.We are both seniors .I would like to call him but i don’t know if i should .I am a Gemini

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mary. Here’s how a man would think of this problem (in case it’s useful to you).
      There are two variables involved. One is what you should do or shouldn’t do. The other is what you want to do and what you don’t want to do.
      Since one of the variables is known (that you want to call him) and the other is unknown (whether or not something good will come of it) only one of the two variables offers any useful direction. You should call him. What do you have to lose?

      If there is a good answer to the “what do you have to lose?” question, then you will have to expand your reasoning process a bit more before making a decision.


  17. Pumla said:

    On and off relationship for 6 years, we have a 3 year old son and, I still don’t know what to call it. He always says “What’s wrong with not giving it a name? Why does everything have to be in black and white?”, which does not sit very well with me. I feel like we should be in some sort of a committment right now, we’ve spent all these years together, supporting each other (he’s my mentor and a great inspiration and, I’m his cheer leader). When he feels down or, something not going his way, he will come to me, not say it immediately but, I know when something is wrong and, how to treat him when he’s at that low. Guess what? When he gets his macho-ego back, he disappears, for a few days, comes back again. I am so confused in this. Sometimes leaving seems like the only option but, it’s easier said than done. I just don’t know where I stand with him.

    • James Bauer said:

      Pummla. Sometimes you don’t know where you stand with someone like this because he lacks good relationship boundaries, and you have not given him any solid boundaries that he must abide by. It’s time for you to give him some solid boundaries. Having a child together is a serious thing, not something to be taken lightly.

      Set boundaries, but do so in a way that invites him toward the possibility of creating a relationship on purpose.

      If he says, “why does it have to be black-and-white?” explain to him the commitment is something you create. It is neither black nor white. It is beautiful and conforms to the will of the two people who jointly decide to create that commitment. Create the commitment in a way that reflects the beautiful relationship the two of you share while protecting the relationship by establishing solid boundaries about what is good for the relationship and what is unacceptable (because it could destroy it by pushing you away).

  18. peggy said:

    I’ve been with a guy for 3 years. he only wants to see me once a week. how do i get him to want to see me more.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Peggy. I know this is not exactly the question you asked, but reading between the lines, I have a question of my own. Are you dating more than one person? If not, start there. If he has any hesitations about your plan to do so, tell him he’s going to have to step up to be a real partner if he wants to claim you.

  19. glosh said:

    hi. read your advice for only a few days but i feel so fulfilled. i need help on this. im in a relationship which has failed to grow. been dating this guy for now 3 years. he is great at everything including sex but thats just it. he is never open to any future plans and ventures. i dont want to spoil the fun coz whenever we are together i see all of us happy but i also need to have the relatnship grow to another level. its now getting hard to apply the respect principle bse its hard to respect a man who doesnt even put food your table or share any future plans with u. shld i just let go of the fun or what?!

    • James Bauer said:

      That’s a difficulty situation to be in. This report might help you to clarify a few things within yourself if you choose to leave him. But you have nothing to lose by really going after what you want from this guy. He might get fed up with your attempts to change him, but if he does, you have lost nothing for trying because you were going to leave anyway if he did not change. Fun is great…unless you want more.

  20. Mary said:

    Hi James! I just started reading your blogs. The first one was the Respect Principle and it really made sense. I just have not yet tried it with this new guy I like because we haven’t met yet. I have always been a positive kind of girl and always smiling but i am not sure if i will be the same when he comes to my country to meet me. My main question might be off-topic though but i hope you can give me an insight. We have been Skyping for five months now. Our wholesome conversations later became pretty carnal although we’re still having casual conversations sometimes. And if he was messaging me everyday before now he just does when I initiate it. He said the last time we talked that he’s still coming over. With all his behaviors I am now in doubt. I want to meet him in person and see how he comes off…if there’s a connection or chemistry. I do not want to regret not taking my chances. However I am afraid that this man may not be interested in a relationship. I don’t want to ask about how the status of our relationship would change when he arrives because I don’t want to scare him off. We’re not even boyfriend/girlfriend (I thought it would be silly since we haven’t met yet :D) All I know is that we are going to engage in some sensual activities mostly in his planned two-week stay. After that what happens? I am realizing these things now. I do not want to give myself to someone who is not my boyfriend. I thought this is my fault though since I just ride along. I don’t know how to tell him without changing his mind about coming over. I don’t know too if I should hold on to that or just move and forget about it. Help! Thanks!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mary. The fact that you are considering ending the relationship with him over this issue suggests that you should communicate your change of heart regarding activities that you you had discussed regarding sexual intimacy. If he is the kind of man you hope he is, he will understand the importance of forming a relationship rather than diving straight into physical intimacy. If he is not, then you really have lost nothing and protected yourself from something you have no interest in participating in (a relationship that is based purely on physical connection). So the odds may or may not be good that he will still come if you change plans with him in advance, but you owe it to yourself and to him to do so. Then it’s up to him to decide whether he wants to take the risk to find out if a great relationship is really possible when the two of you meet in person.

  21. Tiffany said:

    Hi James,
    So far, I am loving the emails. U really do seem to ur stuff. My comment is related to a part of dating that has confused me over the years. A guy friend of mine n I have liked onesnother for years now, but have not attempted to do anything about it until recently. He has basically made it a habit to text me every day to say good morning or call for a short conversation and to hear my voice, but their are also times where he will go a day or 2 without saying anything at all n I honestly don’t know if he’s waiting to see if I’ll contact him or not, or what the deal is. Growing up I was taught that men should lead and be the aggressor, taking it upon themselves to actually court the woman whom they desire. Nowadays however, women have chosen to be more aggressive in going after a the man whom they desire. So my question is, is it better for a woman to kind of lean back and allow a man to initiate the courting/dating process or is it ok for a woman to step up and take that role?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Tiffany. You have set this question up as an all or nothing decision. The best approach will not be to replace his role as the one pursuing you. Neither will it be to be completely passive and wait to see what he will do. The best approach will involve sending signals that invite him to take the next step in the relationship. This eases his anxiety while revealing a clear path he can take if the desire to move forward is mutual. There are many subtle ways to do this. Look for them.

  22. Li said:

    Thank you James for all your efforts to share with us your wisdoms, I feel they are very valuable and I am going to apply them in my relationship straight away…and looking forward tom your next one…thank you!!!

  23. Jena said:

    I have a different story, I got involved with a married man. What started off as friends developed into more. Now, he has pulled back and says he is trying to decide what he wants, or whether he can make his marriage work or not, as they have grown kids, and a business together. We say we won’t text or call, but then he starts texting me again, and I get sucked back into talking to him. But I feel pain, as Im not feeling the love and attention he gave me. He tells me he loves me, but I want him to decide for himself if he wants his marriage or not. Im not a home wrecker and don’t mess with married men, this just happened. I don’t wish to be the one telling him what to do, but I can’t be that crutch for him when he’s not getting his emotional needs met by his wife. So what do I do when he starts texting me again? Ignore? Feel very confused and upset, love some help here!

  24. jd said:

    hi i have a distant relationship . we never seen us ,but he all ways was asking for some money to get here i stopped it and he stopped talking to me for days or some times weeks he told me he cherish and loves me , am the only woman in his life and he told his family and friends he only will marry me ,but i do not believe it any more as this was going on for 4 years now i can and do look after my self very good , i stand up for my self , i told him that , as i been alone for over 30 years now , but i cant get a real good man to be with me , am 62 but not look it , every thing u sayed in your emails i been doing all my life but still nothing .lors knows why , i like reading your emails

    • James Bauer said:


      Never send money to someone you have never met. It is usually (though not always) a scam artist trying to extract money from you with no intention of actually pursuing a real relationship with you.

      • Your’s is a point of view where real inelctigenle shines through.

  25. Mary Ann said:

    I was married for 15years and divorced my husband. Before 12 mo had passed we were reconciling..then he moved back in. We have 2 children. We planned to remarry on 12-12-2010. 9–2010 i was diagnosed w/late stage leukemia. 2 remissions and a bone marrow transplant later we still live together. 1 child now in college 1 about to finish HSchool. March 2014 i learned he was texting a girl. I asked him to recommit and give us a chance. He agreed. We have had a roller coaster since my diagnosis of health issues and financial issues. I am in full remission currently and learned 12-16-2014 he has been involved with this same girl since may or June. So basically he was living a double life for 7 months. The day i discovered this i askes him to leave. We had not been intimate at all since April 2014 because he said he was needing some space and some “him” time. We were 42 in 2014. I assumed he was going through mid life crisis and gave him his space. Afterall he was there all through my illness for our children and I. So here we are 43. He is living with that girl who is 27 and a coworker of his. I sold the place we lived which was a remodeling nightmarw and have set up a really nice place for my son and I . At my initiative he comes over to visit and eat a few times a week. He is not in bliss with the “other” woman anymore. His cheating was so out of character for him. We have had a really hard and stressful 5 years. I want to try again and see if, now that i am healthy and our house is comfortable, if there is anything there. He is considering it as he has said its not all great with her . ..but there are feelings there. I was considering the irresistible ebook of yours and the l i saw a link on your sight for Bob Grants ebooks. I dont have the financial means to buy 4-6 ebooks as there are many that fit our situation. I am a single parent currently providing solely for 1 minor child and helping another through college. He says he still loves me and always will. He says there are times he wants to be with me at my home, times he wants to be with her and times he wishes he was on his own. I would like to lure him back ad be irresistible and show him respect and well just do everything in all those ebooks to be honest. We are not intimate ans inwill not go there and neither will he while there is another involved. So that is off the table but i can do all the other things . ..what ebook is the most important for me to start with and can you give me any advice? I know if i better understood what he was thinking and how to respond to him they way he wants and needs i am. Certain he will try again. Then i can do all the things husbands “need to hear” etc…you see my delimma . many ebooks fit my situation. Thanks!!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mary Ann. Your situation is a very difficult one. It seems your man is very confused and that is the primary problem. Nonetheless, you are right to focus on what power you have to influence the situation. Why don’t you try my course and see what you can learn from it. The main reason I have a 100% refund policy is because you can’t know before going through a course whether it is going to be useful in your particular situation. You have nothing to lose by giving it a try and deciding if it’s right for you.

      Wishing you the best,


      • Nina said:

        Exactly how does one access the course after paying for it? I must have lost some emails somewhere… ???

        • James Bauer said:

          Hey Nina. I went ahead and forwarded your email address to our support team to make sure they follow up with you and get you access to the course you purchased. Thanks for supporting my work!


  26. Wilma said:

    Hi James, I do not know what to do anymore. When my boyfriend and I are together we can not get enough of each other. The way he looks at me and touches me makes me feel like I am the only woman alive. We have the most awesome connection I’ve ever had with a man but the second he walks out the door he forgets about me. He barely phone or text me. He is not overly hasty to come over or to answer the phone when I call but the minute we see each other again he cannot keep his eyes off of me for 1 second. How do you explain this? He is killing me. I am crying myself asleep every night…

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Wilma. Some men (and fewer women) are out of sight, out of mind type people. They are present with whomever is around, rather than trying to reach out to others from a distance. But for a better response we would need more background information and some time to ponder the best advice. If that’s something you feel you need right now, my relationship coaches are ready.


  27. gita said:

    hi james, thanks for your advice. i understand little bit. hehe. im gita indonesian, 2 years ago i met a guy on virtual from protugal. we had been in relationship just for 5 months on virtual, but still talk everyday a lot on skype. even finally he honestly to me he have son from his x-gf, but still i love him so much until now. 1 year ago i looking for many ways to meet him go to portugal, then i did! we spent 10 days together. so beautiful moment. but.. it didnt work.. he stil dont want to be relationship or make real commitment, even he told me he want to back to his x gf and his son.. im so hurt. but i already loved him, i tried many times to looking another love, but he.. too special for me. he is my first love, now im 27 years old, i really need love. and i need him , im always think he is my future for my kids, i dont know why. then finaly i brave to taking decision. now im back to portugal, i want settle here to be near with him. now im working as maid in the family. to survive here alone not easy for me, moreover im not rich people. but he just the one who help me so much and care about me. he is so nice, he is my hero. but, still i cant get him. now he back to his x gf and his son. but he dont want to marry her. but once a month met me, talk, have fun, even do something more which not good cause he not single anymore now. im feel bad, cause i cant get his love, but he addicted to do fun with me. he is so complicated. i dont understand how his mindset, how his feeling. im ltille bit depressed now, cause ,,, so difficult to get him back, altough i did many things for him.. i need help ASAP, i wanna be happy

  28. Suzanne Hughes said:

    Thank you for your helpful advice-for once I have gotten out of the trap of being someone psychotherapist! I had met a guy online we talked and seem to have very very mutual interests and definite chemistry. However, when we met although he was friendly-I kind of got the feeling that he wasn’t as into me as I was into him. Indeed it was confirmed when he said he found me attractive and said there was some sexual tension but no chemistry. He then proceeded to invite me over to his house where there was a little bit of physical contact absolutely no sex however, After all was said and done he got up and spent about 20 minutes doing something in his bedroom-on his cell phone! He then proceeded to come back into the room and talk about his ex-girlfriend and how crazy she is! Clearly this man is not ready for a emotionally ready woman he likes the drama of the Chase to the point where he rather go after A psycho. Anyway long story short he told me to text him last Sunday when I got home and I get it. So he has been texting me now but I have not answered him. On Monday he texted me and then Wednesday he texted me saying are you not talking to me how thin it is now Friday and I still have not answered him. I do not want to be the filler for someone. It wasn’t even that difficult to do so I guess I am gaining some confidence in terms of what I want. I don’t think he meant that he wasn’t interested I think he meant that he prefers someone who goes through all the drama and just can’t admit it. Next time I talk to a man and he brings up his ex-girlfriend continually I will know not to take it past that point. Thank you for saving me! LOL

  29. manjari said:

    I can only say that ur principals are best… I hope I can surely take advantage from it….I’m an andian woman ,married to a ordinary businessman, but I always failed when I need support and love from mother in law act as a catalyst in our fight . My problem is I can’t express my a better way I am short temper and this prove me wrong ..infact I want to escape from this relationship but this wiil harm my kids future..also I have no talent that help me in living my life without dependency………i have to continue my life with him only …

  30. Holly said:

    Hi James. Your blog is amazing, a real eye opener. Here is my problem. I’m sort of seeing this guy, who 20 years ago I walked away from because I fell in love with him. I was only 17 at the tine, but I chose to leave rather than tell him how I felt because he was and still is the one person I couldn’t handle breaking my heart. We’ve spoken many times over the last 20 years and I’ve recently moved back. One night he came round and this was the 1st time we saw each other in20 years, to say that we fell back into the way we were easily, would be an understatement. It was like no time had passes at all. This was 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen him twice in that time and its been amazing, like old times. We message all the time. He has said that it’s good to see me, talk to me, be with me in any way. Our relationship isn’t conventional, it wasn’t when we were younger either. He says, and I believe him because I know him so well, that he has never and would never have this kind of relationship with anyone else because he doesn’t have this connection with anyone else. The problem is that we’ve both been through terrible relationships and are both scared. He hasn’t said that but I’m guessing it is from what he’s said about being hurt by his ex. I never did tell him the reason I left. How do I deal with this, because I’ve never stopped loving him and I don’t want to ruin what we have, in fact I want to finally give us the chance I walked away from. I just don’t want to scare him off. Do I tell him that I fell in love with him 20 years ago and I still do?

    • James Bauer said:

      Holly, your relationship story is beautiful in many ways. It could have a happy ending. Or it could become one of those stories that makes you sad and teaches a lesson about going after what you want in life rather than holding back and living with regret.

      Generally speaking, life turns out better for those who get clear about what they want, become willing to pay the price to get it, and then take consistent action to move toward the life they have envisioned.

      The price you have to pay is this. You must become willing to accept the fact that loving another person gives them the power to create emotional pain in your life. If you decide your love for this man is worth paying that price, then you will know what to do next.


      • Bibi said:

        James, thanks for all this chat. Unfortunately my country can not access your on line offers. In the morning we had breakfast together, in the afternoon he brought me a gift and said he just wants to be friends.. Its been a healthy and mostly happy relationship until now for over a year. Frustrated since I am unable to get the info on line that I need. Kindly advise..

  31. Marilyn potts said:

    I met ? In high school. We had high school romance this was 1969. I went to college after we broke up. He stood me up from prom. I forgave him and after about 2 years we started dating again. This time we had sexual relations when I came home on breaks. I don’t think that we loved each other we were young and dumb. Well years have passed, I got married to an abusive man. I always thought of ? . And have been searching for him in real life and also in my dreams. Finally , after my divorce, we found each other again after 35 years. I think that I love him. I can’t seem to move on. We are friends and text often 735 texts in 6 months. We are sexual texting. As we are in our 60’s . Sex has not been consummated, I want to but he seems to be impotent. I still want him. He wants only to be friends. But we seem to be moving slowly to something more at least in my mind. What can I do to move him forward. He says that he is to set in his ways to commit, but he shows a lot of interest in me intermittently. Like he doesn’t want to let me go.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Marilyn. You’ve learned a lot across your lifetime, and your ability to sense the truth has no doubt deepened over the years. So let me ask you this. What is the truth behind his intentions?

      Based on what you’ve written here, I believe you have already come to a conclusion about that. You sense that he has mixed emotions, a divided mind.

      So it may be that the real question is this. What do you, Marilyn, want in your life right now? Does it feel like a good decision to pursue this man given what you know about his mixed feelings? Is that something you want in your life at this point? Or does your deeper wisdom tell you there is a better path toward romance yet to be discovered with someone else?

  32. Nana said:

    I’m sending this because I feel a bit helpless and confused and scared. Briefly, I had a relationship that just came to an abrupt end in March. No reason he just became distant and initially I tried to reach out to no avail so I let it be. We hadn’t communicated well in 3mnths. He called within the period to ask how I was doing. Problem now is I transferred to his company n he’s being too touchy and always teasing. It’s freaking me out… he wants to talk and I’m not comfortable with it. What should I do??

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Nana. Setting boundaries can feel intimidating because it feels like a confrontation. But it’s a short-term discomfort that is necessary for your long-term psychological health in the workplace. For some people it’s easier to write down their thoughts instead of saying them in person. So you might consider sending an email that explains why you feel uncomfortable with the teasing and unprofessional touch.

      • Nana said:

        I don’t know what he’s up to. It’s calling unnecessary attention. 
        I feel he’s trying to get me confused. I still love him a lot but then I can’t ‎seem to read through him and I don’t know what he really wants. 

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