3 Rules for Dating Busy Men

dating busy menYou can spend a lot of time with a guy who still lives in his mother’s basement.

But a guy with a lot of energy and talent makes a better catch. Unfortunately, that kind of man is usually fairly busy.

Lot’s of people (and companies) are competing for his time.

If you want to make things work with a guy who is pressed for time, consider these three strategies. There are dozens more ideas in my mini course on this topic. But I’m leaking these three ideas for those of you who take the time to read my emails.

Rule Number One for Dating Busy Men: Reduce Distractions When Together.

Busy men can be easily distracted. If you want to capture his heart, you need his full attention. You want to reduce distractions from:

1.Other people.

2.Electronic devices like TVs in a sports bar, and…

3.The mental pressure of competing time demands.

How do you do that? There’s no perfect way, but micro-traditions can help. I’m talking about very simple traditions you invite him to participate in right from the start of your interactions.

For example, you can limit competing time demands by agreeing to see each other just one night a week (say… Thursday nights at 6 PM for dinner) during an introductory phase of your new relationship. You’d be surprised how many busy men will love this idea.

Once he has figured out a time that would consistently work, he doesn’t have to think about it again. It’s like you’ve set up a system that will allow him to gradually get to know you better without the typical feelings of guilt he is used to facing when he realizes he’s gone three weeks without calling a girl he really likes.

Busy guys respond well to repeated but brief interactions. So tell him upfront you don’t expect to go to a movie afterward or talk in a coffee shop till midnight. He’ll appreciate it and his respect for you will rise along with that appreciation.

Rule Number Two for Dating Busy Men: Don’t Bid for His Time, Own His Time.

Again, it’s micro-traditions to the rescue. The faster you can set up a recurring plan for interaction (a micro-tradition), the less you have to compete with other demands on his time. A micro-tradition also means you “own” a timeslot in his week, so to speak. That means your micro-tradition time slot is off-limits to other women who might be competing for his attention.

Rule Number Three for Dating Busy Men: Consult, Don’t Sell:

You may be wondering how TO introduce the idea of a micro-tradition. After all, you don’t want to sound like you’re trying to sell him something. And that’s where rule number three comes to the rescue.

There’s this concept I learned about during a terrible seminar I wish I never attended. They let this business consultant guru have the platform for way too long, and he had nothing useful to say. That is, he had nothing useful other than this one particularly fantastic idea.

He called it “consultative selling.” He said every business owner should train their staff how to do “consultative selling” over the phone. It just means you ask your customers helpful questions kind of like a consultant would.

Instead of starting with an introduction of the product or service you want to sell, you start with the problems the customer has been facing. That leads to a natural conversation where you can point out that you have the perfect product or service to solve the particular problems the customer brought up.

dating busy menThe customer is pleased with you, because they felt like you genuinely listened and tried to help. They walk away with the sensation that they “discovered” a solution. They never felt like you were trying to sell them on anything!

And that’s exactly the system I want you to use. Don’t try to sell him on the idea of forming a micro-tradition together. Instead, use “consultative selling.” Ask him what it’s like trying to find time to date women when he’s such a busy man with so much on his plate.

Once he’s confiding in you, you can suggest a solution to reduce the stress involved in getting to know someone. Heck, you can even volunteer to let him practice on you!

Always on your side,

James


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72 thoughts on “3 Rules for Dating Busy Men

  1. vic said:

    Hi James,
    I met a guy who is super busy. We worked very little together but had fun and realized some common things. A mutual friend and I asked him to join us one day after work. I never heard from him again. I won’t chase a guy so I guess he was too busy or didn’t care. We never cross paths since he works out of town a lot so I let him go. I feel confused about right and wrong technique. By letting it go, have I lost any chance with him?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Victoria. Think about the times you have been open for a relationship and the times you were to focused on other things. Our readiness to pursue someone changes over time. Our desire to seek out companionship comes in waves across our lifetime. So no, you have not lost all chance of connecting with this man. Showing up in his life from time to time increases the odds that he will develop feelings for you or find himself wanting to pursue something with you.

  2. LPR said:

    Hello James,

    I stumbled upon your article while googling ways to break up with my “Busy Man”. I’ve known him (and members of his family) for over 30 years. We’ve tried to form a romantic relationship two other times since 2012. The first two relationship trials ended because I couldnt believe that being busy caused him or anyone to make and/or miss so many dates. I felt that he was inconsiderate because he never cancelled…he just didnt show up. Apparently he had fires (at his place of business) that only “he” could put out. After being “stood-up” three times in the course of 6 months, I went no contact. In October of 2014 we decided to try again. We had two lunches and 1 dinner and in December of 2014, I started working for him part time, evenings (to lessen his work load). Since then, we’ve had 1 movie night to date (between 12/2014 and 04/2015). Since working for him, I am completely aware that he is BUSY. He is at his place of business EVERYDAY except Sunday (but he is known to stop by after church). He does have an ailing mother in hospice (since January), but his inattention and inactivity spans years. It seems to me that he is completely satisfied with seeing me in the evenings (when I come to work) and kissing me goodnight when he leaves. That (to me) does not make a relationship. I have only seen him outside of work Once this year. I agreed to work for him for six months (because I do have a 9 to 5 and a side business). It is nearing the end of my service (which will be May or June) and I’m not sure if I should go “no contact” again or try to muster up some empathy/sympathy for his situation. I’m not interested in being friends only, so “no contact” will work for me. I will not compromise my happiness and/or sanity by waiting for someone that may never arrive (been there, done that).

    I am not okay with this “pseudo-relationship”, no matter the circumstances. I have an ailing mother that I care for (financially) in my home as well and a job elsewhere, so while I understand his dilemma, I still need his participation in this relationship (or his departure from it). Incidentally, He does acknowledge his lack of participation, but does not believe “parting ways” is the answer.

    So, do I wait until I resign and let it fizzle all the way out or should I say something. Do you think he really believes we’re in a relationship and is using our “work-time” as “couple-time”? In the past, I’ve asked him for what I needed/wanted relationship-wise (and was willing to make concessions) but he cant or wont deliver. Despite my time barriers, I’m really interested in enjoying my life with someone who can balance their business/personal life. Can you please give me some insight?

    Thanks in advance.

    LPR

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi LPR. It sounds like you have done most of the stretching and the work to make this relationship better. I would not blame you if you decided to call it quits, but in case you don’t, here’s what I would suggest you do next.

      Find out what his primary desire is. Does he really wish he could work less and spend more time with you? If he does, you can use your new knowledge of that motivation to design a “story” of your potential future together that is inspiring to him, something he wants to commit to on an emotional level.

      On the other hand, if you determine his primary desire is actually to work the long hours and never to let up, then I suggest you move on because he will not yield to your wishes if they are in conflict with his true desires. He may make surface level compromises and promises but he will not change for good.

      Talk with him about what he sees in his future. Look for the hidden desires written between the lines of what he says.

  3. LPR said:

    Thanks, James. That is sound advice and I’m going to take it. “I” planned a date for this upcoming Tuesday (4/14/15) and since we’ll finally be alone (for the first time in over a month), I will have a kind (but serious) conversation with him on the way to the event.

    LPR

  4. Aei said:

    Hi James!

    The suggestion looks easy and sounds very helpful. But on my case, the man I am in a relationship with is a thousand miles away from me (LDR). He is a very busy man but he often sends a message assuring me of his love. Technology has it, but we barely meet because of the difference in time zone. He sleeps-I wake up and vice versa. I’ve been your article subscriber for more than a year now as well as my long distance relationship. Sometimes his being too busy it gets into me. I wanted to purchase the books you suggested in regards to my case but I am a single mom and I try to make both ends meet. any other suggestion for me?

    Thanks very much,

    Aei

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Aei. When contemplating a problem like this one, it helps to be very specific about what exactly “the problem” is.

      Without knowing a lot about your relationship situation, it sounds to me like your relationship is not the problem. It sounds like willingness to travel is not the problem. It sounds like spending the time to reach out to each other is not the problem. The problem is the sheer magnitude of the distance.

      While there are ways to cope with that I go over in my special report
      on this topic, those methods are all focused on moving the relationship forward faster toward a point where one or both of you are ready to relocate. Otherwise the LDR isn’t going anywhere other than where it is right now.

      So perhaps the best way to think about your situation is, “How ready are we to commit to a plan for closing the distance between us?” and “If we’re not ready, what needs to happen for us to make that decision?”

  5. hi james..
    i need your help..I’m from Cambodia. I’ve been dating a man from USA since a week. that time was his vacation from work..we’ve been talking much about each other on Facebook chat. And now he has back to work…very busy in full day..he’s a sell car at his dad’s dealership …he said he will text me as much as he can..and he’s not a talkative man…but he seems silent to me since Monday..i knew he’s very busy..i want him to know that i will patient and understand him ..i really love and miss him…But i don’t how to tell him..because i’m not good at writing english…can you help me describe my feeling toward him…i don’t to put pressure on him..
    thanks james 🙂

    • James Bauer said:

      In the long run, you will need to work on the language barrier if your relationship is to survive. That will also provide you the necessary pace to see what is real and lasting in a relationship that was sparked to life during the unusual circumstance of a week-long vacation.

  6. Lola said:

    hi James,

    interesting article. i was googling “dating a busy man” to see if this is a common thing. and got to your article. i even read all the comments and your responses and I felt i need to reach out to you.

    so i met a guy a while ago, and he is very busy with work and sports activities. he has a passion for sports and fills his schedule with different activities.

    we are dating and he even proposed. good news ha 🙂 i even said yes. the issue now is that when we were dating before he proposed he always had extra time for me and would at times miss a training or two for me. after the proposal, things changed dramatically and he says he is now back to his normal pace of life. and is not willing to waste more time not exercising as he used to. i barely see him, and he admited i am not his priority.but he does love me.

    i personally know i need more attention in a relationship. the kind he had shown in the begining in this relationship. and totally confused if i am over needy here.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Lola. That’s painful and confusing. What kind of man asks you to marry him and then says you are not his top priority?

      I’ll be totally honest with you. And I hope you will not hate me and ignore me for suggesting this.

      I bet if I asked him why he acted this way, he would deny it. He would say you took his comments out of context, that he didn’t mean it that way, or something like that.

      This guess is based on a couple of things. One of them is that you’re still with this guy, so I can’t imagine he could really be a total psychopath without feeling or empathy. The other part is years of experience. I’ve learned that what one member of the couple perceives is often quite different than what the other person perceives.

      So here’s my challenge for you. Review the story of your relationship with him. Ask him if that’s what he believes has happened between the two of you.

      If nothing else, it will serve as a wake-up call for him. He will realize how terrible it sounds. Maybe he will look for solutions himself. Then you will be a team again. And you won’t have to try to fix his bad behavior all on your own.

      James

  7. agness said:

    Wow,, am loving this, am equally in love with this busy guy, our relationship is mostly on phone for a month now, until one day I swallowed my pride and visited him, it was so lovely That he wanted me to sleep over of which I refused, we still talk and chats though I feel we need more than the Chats and calls, one of his friend told me his engaged but when I asked he refused, what’s your general advice on this one, I love this guy and I feel he does love me,

    • James Bauer said:

      I recommend you get to know some of his friends. Spend some time together in a group setting. You need to learn who he really is. Then you’ll have a better sense about whether he’s a viable partner. I say this because a friend telling you he is engaged indicates he may not have been completely forthcoming about his relationship status.

  8. Penny said:

    Hi James

    So I’ve known this guy for two years now. When we first met, he got my number and immediately asked me out on a date. We got intimate after 2-3 months, but never all the way. We never ‘determined the relationship’.

    He was 30 when we met, I was 23. He’s a workaholic, has a hectic schedule and travels a lot, so I accommodated him although he could never seem to block out time more than a day in advance to see me. He is possibly the busiest man I have dated, and I didn’t know how to handle that so I made him an exception. I would meet him once a week when he was back, and he usually is back for not more than three weeks. He’s successful and famous in his industry and he meets lots of people.

    Six months down, I heard he was hitting on girls at clubs. I decided to be patient until my birthday but he didn’t do anything – no birthday dinner, no present, nothing. That was the last straw and I told him I could no longer hang out with him like we used to with all the steamy making out and I wanted to be just friends and remove the physical intimacy. We finally talked about ‘us’ and he said he wasn’t ready for commitment as he had just gotten out of a seven year relationship. He says he was never physically intimate with anyone else, nor did he follow up with girls he met while partying, but he is very friendly and flirty, which probably sparked the rumor of him ‘hitting on girls in clubs’.

    After that, we still met up, but there was no more physical intimacy, although he would hug me and try to kiss me sometimes. A few months later, I told him I had met someone who was serious about me and wanted commitment. We talked again, and this time, he wanted to commit. However, I decided to give the new guy a chance because actions speak louder than words and the new guy had really put in a lot of effort – you could see he really liked me and I felt secure. Although I could see quite a bit of improvement in him for his standards, but it took him a whole year to commit. But then again, the two guys had complete opposite takes on dating – go with the flow vs conservative, and they probably loved and showed love differently.

    We remained friends, kept in touch and even met once up just as friends when I was with my boyfriend. However, my relationship with my boyfriend was shortlived (5 months) – we weren’t compatible, could not see eye to eye and he was extremely insecure.

    When he found out I had broken up, he made a move and we got intimate again. I told him that I would be traveling with my now ex at the end of the week although we had broken up as the trip was already booked. When I came back from my trip, he went off on his holiday for two weeks and he didn’t text me until he got back and acted as though nothing happened.

    I was hurt and felt foolish for being intimate with him (but again no sex). He would still text me once in a few weeks to see what I was up to, and I would still reply him just as friends. We even met up after that and there was no physical contact and we never spoke about how we left things off the last time.

    Last month, we met up and he wanted to get intimate with me again! I asked him what he wanted from me, he said nothing! He knows that I can’t be intimate without commitment but he said he can’t commit right now because he was torn.. So turns out, after I left for the trip with my ex, he started seeing someone exclusively for 2 months, although during that period he would also text me from time to time. His relationship didn’t work out cause it was a LDR. He said he was actually ready to commit to me after I broke up with my ex, but because I went on the trip with my ex, he wasn’t sure what was happening between me and my ex. He said he needed time because he was figuring things out with the other girl again, after two months of breaking up.

    He says our timing sucks big time, but we are very compatible (which I can’t deny) and that it’s like a roller coaster ride with me as there’s so much tension between us, which he has never had with any other girl. However, I told him I didn’t wanna be in any part of that, and he should just remove me from the equation, which should make his life easier.

    I really like him, but I am getting tired of this – two years!! I don’t know what he’s trying to do with me. No guy has ever treated me this way. A part of me hopes to for once actually try things out with him seriously, but a part of me tells me I should move on. I feel like I can’t penalize him entirely for being torn as I was in that same position a year ago and I didn’t even choose him, or am I giving myself excuses?

    It’s been a month since I found out all of that, and he has been flirting with me on and off and always asks for pictures of me (not nude photos though). I don’t text him unless he texts me. What should I do? Should I even reply his texts? Should I even hope for anything from him? Does he not like me enough such that it seems like I’m his back up girl or is he really that busy that he doesn’t have time to go through all this drama and emotions with me? I feel like whenever he texts me, he just doesn’t think about it and just texts me cause he feels like texting me, like a typical guy who doesn’t put much thought into his actions and does as he pleases. He always asks what I’m up to, but doesn’t make plans or makes them there and then, last minute. Please help, this has gone on for too long! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not closing off my options just for him and he’s not even that cute, but maybe I just haven’t met anyone else who has captivated me the way he has. Part of the reason why I like him is his determination and drive unfortunately.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Penny. For detailed personal questions like this we request that you use our private coaching platform. You can find it here.

  9. Lauren said:

    My new bf and I are both busy and we literally only have one day a week that works for both of us. So if we haven’t put together an agenda, we do so friday morning. Works great, plus since its friday, it is and has been easy to incorporate each other in plans with friends and family members.

  10. Rina said:

    Love this idea. Won’t quite work in my situation as the guy I’m seeing has a rotating work schedule so every week is different but its an opton we may be able to follow on certain weeks.

  11. kiki said:

    Good read, great comments… And I never knew it’s real to have a man love you yet you are not his priority….
    I am with a guy a month now.. We have met twice… Though we speak on phone regularly.. The first meeting was when he proposed and the second was at a business workshop which had sleep overs… One of the nights we had sex.. Ever since we have never met physically, just been text and calls.. He assures me of his love daily…

    My greatest problem is I don’t know his house and I have asked him severally but he’s adamant… His excuse is he’s busy and needs to clear some work hurdles to make time for me.. He said he won’t change his schedules to please me..

    I’m a little confused because I really want us to meet even if it’s once in a week.. I want to know his home… He says he’s got no friends and in due time will introduce me to his family..

    Is he genuine? How can one be really in love and not have a dot of time for the other? Is one month too early even though we’ve had sex?

    What should I do?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Kiki. I believe in this situation you are better off making as few assumptions as possible. Don’t assume he wants to build a real relationship with you. Don’t assume he will ever start investing more time in the relationship. Don’t assume he is being truthful about why he doesn’t want you to meet friends or discover his address.

      On the other hand, don’t be pessimistic, paranoid, or suspicious. Expect the best is still possible, but recognize that assuming the best puts you in a potentially bad situation.

      If I were you, I would tell him you appreciate his interest and displays of affection, but his actions are speaking louder than his words. And because of that you’re going to approach the relationship with him cautiously. End with a statement to the effect that you hope he will have time to invest in the relationship because you like him and you see a lot of potential.

  12. Darla said:

    Hello James,
    Good column. Good advice. I have been in a relationship with a man for 1 1/2 years. He was divorced by his previous wife after she extorted hundred of thousands of dollars from his successful business; stealing from clients, guting hs credit raing and daming him pesonally. She has a narcissistic personality diorder. Now, his various holdngs have been repossessed, credit is gone, professional license has been revoked and he owes millions and millons ans milions of dollras. He dev. Insomnia and then panic attcks. Is on psych meds for those. I hav nursed him back to health, cook for him daily where he comes and stays for hours, watching sports, befor going home to bed. Little communication beyond that. Says he loves me ane we will be tog. Psych meds have made him very irritable, quick to anger and more confused. Do you really see us going forwd? He was a nice guy before th psych meds and thats what i am hoping will return. Beyond that I do not receive any gifts, cards, etc. Natta. We re both nearly 75.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Natta. Is he actively working toward something? Has he decided to make the best of life and to embrace loving you as a new purpose in life? If so, I think there’s hope. But if he’s inwardly focused and living life as a testament to what he has lost, then I would leave him to do that on his own.

      James

      • Darla said:

        Hi James,
        I see this was addressed to “Natta”. Was your response meant for someone else, and they in turn received mine??
        Thank you for checking! Darla

      • James Bauer said:

        Oh, sorry, Darla. For some reason you wrote Natta at the end of your question and I thought it was your name. Must have just been a typo. I was replying to you.

  13. Darla said:

    Hi James,
    I re-read my send and see why you addressed me as “Natta”. Yes, he is actively working to sell remaining holdings in order to repay people that were harmed by his ex-wife’s actions. His actions toward me have me wondering if he has indeed “embraced loving me as a new purpose in his life;” ie, no compliments, gifts, cards, etc. Just a warm body that comes by daily, eats, watches sports and goes home. A kiss and a hug at hello and goodbye. He does stave off lonliness.

    • Lena said:

      Darla, I am not an expert, but could it be that his current financial situation makes him feel he has nothing to offer you?
      Also is there a good chance he can be weaned off the medicines and become his own self again?
      Aside from that, you can try to encourage him be rewarding him when he does something you like, even if it is just a tiny tiny thing, by telling him how it make you feel. For instance, if compliments your cooking, tell him that it makes you feel appreciated to hear him say that. If he doesn’t compliment even if he seem to like a dish extra well you can try to ask him how he liked it and if he then responds positively, you can thank him for the compliment and tell him how it makes you feel when he says that.
      Or during the hug, hold him just a second longer, look him in the eyes and tell him that it makes you feel cherished when he hugs you.
      If there is a spark there, he should pick up on this and think of ways he can please you or let you know that you please him.

  14. Lauren said:

    Hi Everyone,

    I really would love some advice on my situation. I have been seeing a guy I met online for about 3 months. He is 25 and in the work field and I am 22 in school. He is a great guy and something I really enjoy about him is when we do see each other, we put away our phones and really talk and enjoy each other’s company. He is someone I would consider a work-a-holic so when he puts his phone away for a couple hours to spend with me, I really appreciate that. I’m having a couple thoughts about this relationship though. 1. We talk everyday and he does initiate conversation, but he does not initiate seeing each other. Nonetheless, when I ask him what his schedule is looking like, he quickly and gladly suggests a night and/or day that is open to see each other. Also, if something from work or something does come up (happened twice), he asks to reschedule to the next night or sometime very soon. 2. Early on, a causal conversation about relationships came up and we talked about exclusivity and both admitted that we are not seeing anyone else and that we can both trust that. However, since that time, I think we are still pretty new but to the internet, a 3 month relationship of seeing someone is a deal breaker if the guy doesn’t make a move….and being that we have not defined out relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend after 3 months, i’m very pulled as to what I should do. I know he cares about me but I really can’t tell if it is too soon to bring up the conversation about where we are headed. I love the idea of setting up a specific time/date every week to see each other but I’m nervous to actually bring it up because I do think him making some initiative is important!
    3. He has been single for 3 years so I wonder if this could be a reason he is moving slower? Could it be that he is used to/comfortable being a lone and just slowly bringing me into his life. I’m genuinely happy with him, but my mom/society/friends/internet are really messing with my head!!
    Any thoughts appreciated!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Lauren. If you are happy, three months is not a problem. If you were miserable and he was seeing other people I might ask you to think about it carefully. But honestly, this situation sounds very healthy. There’s no reason relationships should have to fit well into the preconceptions society has for them.

      Wishing you happiness,

      James

  15. Kat said:

    So I have been dating a man…that is extremely busy. I have been seeing him for about 6 months. I know that sounds like a long time, but he’s so busy, it’s moving slow. We did spend Thanksgiving and Christmas together. New Years we didn’t have a chance to see each other, because he was having a meeting with his team, and I know he really wanted to get the year off to a great start, and never like to interfere when he’s in that “make magic” mode. If that makes sense to you. But lately he’s gotten even busier…running a new restaurant and also starting up a new company. I know he has days where he barely even sleeps, and so many people depend on his leadership and mentorship. But it seems that I am the one always initiating everything. I’m also a flight attendant, so I’m back and forth myself. He’s always like call me when you get you back or text me… but I’m starting to feel like I’m the one doing all the work. But then I feel guilty, because I know how busy he is. Is this the part that a woman has to play when she is dating a man that literally is super busy? I do think he cares about me. But sometimes I just feel like I’m the one driving the relationship. Is it fair that I should be the one initiating everything? I even thought about tryin the “no contact” rule, to get him to make more of an initiative. But now I feel that staying away, is only going to put a wedge between us. I’m so confused. Help??

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Kat. I’d love to see you join our private online forum where our coaches respond to questions like these in more depth than we can get into via blog comments. You can join the private forum through this link.

  16. Macy said:

    Hi James,
    I recently found out about your site when I Googled, How to date a busy man. I understand that you are based in America but your expertise cuts through all race and continent. I am From Nigeria (Africa). To my question ; I have been dating a guy for almost a month now, in 5 days we will be. We met through a mutual friend who wanted both of us to date because she felt we will be compactable and we are. The first time he called I liked the way he sounded on phone and how easy it was to chat with him though we haven’t met yet, we would talk about stuffs for a long time, sometimes 20 minutes other times less and this sparked off an interest in him. Days after the first calls and all we eventually met,he drove down to my apartment at night,I was away from my cityand didn’t come in late that evening, yet he insisted he would come meet me even if it was brief. Meeting him that day was awesome, I felt we had been friends from ages and it was so easy to talk with him as he feels same too.
    Few days after our first we met we had our first date and of cause it was amazing and I ended up spending a night at his place and we eventually had Sex the next morning but he opened up a lot about his past, family and work. He is a workaholic and is currently building three businesses aside other projects he has. We spoke about how this will affect us and what we should do to make US work. Weeks later he leaves town and goes completely mute, I got irritated and felt maybe he just wasn’t into me. During those weeks I initiated the communication but he would barely answer nor return my calls or text so I got upset and deleted his number, the last thing I want to become is a needy and lonely woman.
    So I cut of communication from my end and I think he got the message, he called to apologise and explain how crazy busy things were at the project site and plan returning to our city for just a day for a meeting with his business partner and sister who was leaving the country at that time. On the day of his arrival,he called from the airport, constantly updating me on his move and telling me how he can’t wait to see me. We met though briefly,because he had other engagements but he apologised about his bad communication habit and is trying to fix it because he wants US to work.That same day we had Sex and of cause it was magical.
    Fast forward to the next morning, I called him to check if he had left because he promised to checking in with me, he didn’t answer nor return my calls till days later. Just as before I got irritated and never called or texted him back, funny this seems to have worked a bit because afterwards he started making more efforts, he calls more now and if he misses my calls he immediately sends a text to inform me he is in a meeting and he returns the calls afterwards.
    Now James these are my fears,
    So far we’ve had just one super date and I have slept over at his place twice. I feel like I am a booty call. Secondly, I am yet to meet his close friends because he is always so busy and juggles between different cities and projects. Although he shows me pictures of his family and friends I am yet to meet any. Thirdly, he just ended a 1 year relationship with his ex fiance who jilted on him and he was badly hurt afterwards which resulted to him staying away from relationship for months till we met.
    Lastly, I am way younger than him,he is 34 and I am 27, I am also just kicking off my career as a brand manager and in the coming months I will be super busy. Please James, how do I deal with my busy man? Do I stay patient and be a booty call or do I talk to him and employ the consultative selling mechanism you talked about in your article.
    I know for sure I don’t want to be a needy or nagging girlfriend and yes we’ve established our exclusivity.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Marcy. As I read what you’ve written here, it strikes me that you already know what you need to do. Because you simply are not satisfied with the relationship as it is. If that is true, you really are not risking much by inviting him to become the man you could really invest in and see yourself with long term.

      Yes, consultative selling is a great way to approach this type of relationship scenario. Is there a risk he will reject your interest in building something more together? Yes. But you owe it to him and yourself to see if this romance can be stronger than the careers that are trying to push you apart.

      James

      • Macy said:

        Thanks James, I find your answer quite helpful. May I also ask when it comes to communication, who should put in more work in a relationship and should there be a communication pattern?

  17. Bontle said:

    Hi James

    I have a boyfriend who lives far away from my place and always too busy to communicate with me.He always tells me about his work.When I call him he never answers his phone,the following day he would tell me that his phone was on silent or he was sleeping.what can I do to catch his attention?

    • James Bauer said:

      That’s a good question, but a tough situation. Here are some things that you might consider.

      Creating routines can help with a man who is really busy. So for example, have an open dialogue with your boyfriend about choosing two times during the week when he will schedule you into his calendar for a live phone call. He should treat his relationship as a priority that is at least as high as other priorities in his life. So reserving just two slots on his calendar (and treating them with as much importance as he would any other kind of meeting) can make the effort of staying in contact easier when you live at a distance from each other. It’s easier because once you have a set tradition for a day of the week and time when you routinely talk, it takes much less mental effort to reach out to each other.

      You might also consider whether this man is likely to provide what you’re really looking for in a relationship. You could ask him to reach out to you more often, but do you want to be with someone who does not feel a natural desire to connect with you on a frequent basis? To answer that question I guess you’ll need to consider what phase your relationship is in and whether or not his busy life situation is something temporary or permanent.

      For more help on this topic, consider taking a look at a special report I wrote about dating men who seem too busy.

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