3 Rules for Dating Busy Men

dating busy menYou can spend a lot of time with a guy who still lives in his mother’s basement.

But a guy with a lot of energy and talent makes a better catch. Unfortunately, that kind of man is usually fairly busy.

Lot’s of people (and companies) are competing for his time.

If you want to make things work with a guy who is pressed for time, consider these three strategies. There are dozens more ideas in my mini course on this topic. But I’m leaking these three ideas for those of you who take the time to read my emails.

Rule Number One for Dating Busy Men: Reduce Distractions When Together.

Busy men can be easily distracted. If you want to capture his heart, you need his full attention. You want to reduce distractions from:

1.Other people.

2.Electronic devices like TVs in a sports bar, and…

3.The mental pressure of competing time demands.

How do you do that? There’s no perfect way, but micro-traditions can help. I’m talking about very simple traditions you invite him to participate in right from the start of your interactions.

For example, you can limit competing time demands by agreeing to see each other just one night a week (say… Thursday nights at 6 PM for dinner) during an introductory phase of your new relationship. You’d be surprised how many busy men will love this idea.

Once he has figured out a time that would consistently work, he doesn’t have to think about it again. It’s like you’ve set up a system that will allow him to gradually get to know you better without the typical feelings of guilt he is used to facing when he realizes he’s gone three weeks without calling a girl he really likes.

Busy guys respond well to repeated but brief interactions. So tell him upfront you don’t expect to go to a movie afterward or talk in a coffee shop till midnight. He’ll appreciate it and his respect for you will rise along with that appreciation.

Rule Number Two for Dating Busy Men: Don’t Bid for His Time, Own His Time.

Again, it’s micro-traditions to the rescue. The faster you can set up a recurring plan for interaction (a micro-tradition), the less you have to compete with other demands on his time. A micro-tradition also means you “own” a timeslot in his week, so to speak. That means your micro-tradition time slot is off-limits to other women who might be competing for his attention.

Rule Number Three for Dating Busy Men: Consult, Don’t Sell:

You may be wondering how TO introduce the idea of a micro-tradition. After all, you don’t want to sound like you’re trying to sell him something. And that’s where rule number three comes to the rescue.

There’s this concept I learned about during a terrible seminar I wish I never attended. They let this business consultant guru have the platform for way too long, and he had nothing useful to say. That is, he had nothing useful other than this one particularly fantastic idea.

He called it “consultative selling.” He said every business owner should train their staff how to do “consultative selling” over the phone. It just means you ask your customers helpful questions kind of like a consultant would.

Instead of starting with an introduction of the product or service you want to sell, you start with the problems the customer has been facing. That leads to a natural conversation where you can point out that you have the perfect product or service to solve the particular problems the customer brought up.

dating busy menThe customer is pleased with you, because they felt like you genuinely listened and tried to help. They walk away with the sensation that they “discovered” a solution. They never felt like you were trying to sell them on anything!

And that’s exactly the system I want you to use. Don’t try to sell him on the idea of forming a micro-tradition together. Instead, use “consultative selling.” Ask him what it’s like trying to find time to date women when he’s such a busy man with so much on his plate.

Once he’s confiding in you, you can suggest a solution to reduce the stress involved in getting to know someone. Heck, you can even volunteer to let him practice on you!

Always on your side,


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80 thoughts on “3 Rules for Dating Busy Men

  1. Barbara said:

    I have been dating a guy who lives in Paris. I get to see him every 4-5 months. He is very busy at work and has started a new company so our time is limited together even while I am in Paris.
    I am planning a 3 week December vacation and would like a commitment from him to see him at least 3-4 times. How do I go about this without seeming like I am pinning him down?

  2. Patty Barnhart said:

    I have had 3 dates with this guy I really like. He has asked to put Dating on hold because his son in law is dying from cancer. He feels the need to be available to help his daughter and grandchild. We both are widows and understand the importance to help our families. This could go on for months so I need to know what I can do at this point. I don’t want to be selfish. I just want to see him. Any ideas so I don’t loose him.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Patty. Great question, though it doesn’t sound like a very pleasant situation for any of you.

      I wonder how much of his decision was based on actual time constraints verses a sense that it might feel disruptive to family members.

      If a person feels they are facing actual time constraints, then they typically respond well when you communicate support for their decision to focus elsewhere. Ironically, I find for many men this makes them less likely to stick with their intention of distancing themselves. They feel more relaxed about keeping an open door of communication with you.

      Some women find it useful to send a message that the door is still open if he has a chance to pull away from it all. Especially if it’s framed as “our little secret” that doesn’t need to mean you post pictures of yourselves on Facebook having a good time (while others are sitting in the hospital).

  3. JK LF said:

    I went out few times for movies & meals with a friend who’s a doctor.
    We enjoy conversing and chat during meals before the movie.
    He did mention once that the schedule of a doctor can be very busy. It’s tough to make plans and recently did add “let’s catch up soon” without a specific date /time. He said “sure, will advise”
    Should I just forget and move on?

  4. angelice said:

    I am currently dating a very busy man (a doctor), like he will contact me once, twice or thrice a day. we’re okay back then he compromise things just to fetch me from work 1 week ago. im not sure why I feel theres something wrong when in fact he’s sending me the same messages as usual. its just that he’s not fetching me to work at all. We’re only dating for a 3 weeks now. I don’t know what to think

  5. Amanda said:

    I’m into a relationship for 9 months but just recently had a breakup and someone so busy asked me out 2days before we broke out…..what should I do cos I like him and I want us to be together but he knows that I just had a breakup…..I’m scared that he will think I’m saying because I recently had a breakup….

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Amanda – Well, yes, that IS why you are now interested in this new guy. But what is wrong with that? It only makes you appear better, actually, because you were being constant to your, then, boyfriend when the second one asked you out. There is nothing wrong with saying to this new guy that now you are free you would like to have a coffee with him, or whatever you think would be appropriate. Just keep it casual and friendly in the first place, and see what happens. Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, as I see it, and I am 69 and English – so if it is OK for me, I would say it is OK, as I am very old-fashioned – but there is nothing wrong with helping things along a little bit. Women have always been the ones to give the signal to the men that it is OK – it used to be by dropping a handkerchief in the old days, but those days are gone now – it is much easier for us !!! Just be friendly, and enjoy the fact that someone else is interested in you. Lucky girl. Best of luck!!! Lorna

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