Destined for Love

finding the right personKristen believes her soulmate is out there. She’s attractive and engaging, so she gets asked out fairly often. Unfortunately, her relationships rarely last beyond the third or fourth date.

When asked why that is, she says, “I only date a guy if I have a special feeling about him. I don’t want to waste my time with a guy unless that magic connection is really strong.”

She goes on to explain that three or four dates is about how long it takes to see if a guy is what she envisions her soulmate to be. If there are any feelings that he does not get her on an intuitive level, she moves on.

Like Kristen, I love the idea that each of us is destined to find a soulmate. It’s romantic. Unfortunately, it can also make finding the right partner harder than it needs to be.

In fact, research has shown that a strong belief in destiny can actually wreak havoc on romance and lower your chances of finding the right person.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with holding out for the right person. I applaud that. But being selective and putting all your faith in destiny are two different things.

Just look at Kristen. She bolts at the first sign of difficulty. She honestly believes that finding the right person means the relationship will develop without hiccups.

Here’s the problem with that. Men and women are terrible at reading each other’s minds.

Most dating relationships begin with a period of infatuation. That’s when things feel truly magical. During that phase of the relationship, it’s common to feel like he’s somehow gained access to your inner thoughts and desires. Almost like he is reading your mind.

But as we get to know each other better, the infatuation fades. No matter how great a guy is, you’ll discover that he isn’t perfect. Like everyone else, he has flaws.

Those flaws, combined with yours, will invariably lead to misunderstandings and rough patches. If you’re expecting turbulence-free love at first sight, it’s easy to feel discouraged at that point. Enough so, that you decide you’ve made a mistake and lose interest in the potential relationship.

The key question is this. Do you believe destiny causes good things to happen to you, or do you put more stock in the idea that we create our own happiness? Is it fate that leads some couples to bliss, or is it their willingness to invest effort and energy into the relationship?

Personally, I think it’s both.

Finding the right person is a big part of relationship success. But expecting destiny to provide you with the perfect person will tie your hands. You will fail to recognize ways to bypass setbacks in a relationship if you believe every little problem indicates he is not “the one.”

A strong belief in destiny can displace your sense of personal power. If you’re expecting your relationship with your soulmate to be effortless, you’re likely headed for disappointment. No romantic connection is successful without work.

On the other hand, if you believe you have the power to shape your own destiny, you won’t be put off by minor relationship challenges. You’ll be ready and willing to work through them. That makes it far more likely you’ll find fulfillment when you meet the right guy.

So, here’s what I recommend.

finding the right personAdopt the idea that working on your relationship is romantic. Over time, you can create a soulmate experience with the right person. Yes, there should be a spark from the beginning. That’s the piece you can’t force. It’s there, or it’s not. But, you’re most likely to fan the flames of a passionate connection by adding your own effort to that spark.

Investing time and work into your relationship is what makes it magical.

Take control of your own destiny. Your soulmate is out there, but don’t expect everything to be perfect from the beginning. Instead, expect a solid, fulfilling relationship to be a mix of destiny and dedicated effort.

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13 thoughts on “Destined for Love

  1. Naliah said:

    I always wondered if I will ever find my soul mate. I am about to give up on looking. Every time I try to date, It looks like I am at a job interview. These dates are looking for material things and I am looking for true love. They give up on me and when they find out that the grass is not greener on the other side, they come back. But I don’t give them another chance, because I already know what they are looking for. What should I do? I am not rich, but I am a good package

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Naliah. Don’t give up on finding a man who shares your desire to love a person rather than a checklist of attributes. It may require a lot of looking, but he’s out there right now doing the same thing. You’ll eventually find each other.


  2. Anette said:

    I fell in love with my boyfriend’s eyes when I met him.
    They are so special, two blue seas of tranquility and endless otherworldly blueness. His eyes were like staring at someone from another plane, a sea of healing love and compassion.
    Some people say that one should fall in love with another’s eyes because no matter how old you get, when you look into their eyes it will feel like magic again. I don’t know about that but everytime I look into his eyes its like I see the soul I fell in love with the first time. Those eyes drew me like a moth to a flame <3

  3. Arminé said:

    James, I love your blog so much! One of the most saught after emails I get! Thank you! I totally agree with you on recipé of true love having efforts and belief! I also would just add: faith in you! I’m a lot into not destiny but Law of Attraction and I do believe that what you input is what you find as the output! So use all your 6 senses to believe y

  4. Arminé said:

    …you have the one by your side, but dont ignore the opportunity if it does not have the appearance you were picturing: give yourself a chance and if hopefully the spark is there, with a little of mutual work will reveal your perfect soulmate with all their imperfections that you love! Cheers to all singles out in the lookout for the right one and Happy New Year!:)

  5. josephine said:

    Why do most guys want to take advantage of a working class woman. Even the ones that are comfortable on their own financially? Now, this is not what I want as a life partner because it makes me feel all that brings these men is what they want to gain from me. But at the other hand, it seems one is been selfish or selective as some people would say. Can I ever find true love with this caliber of men?

  6. Susan said:

    I agree with James. Love is a risk, you may win or you may lose. When you invest in someone an it didn’t work out, people will ridicule you for the time you had wasted. Love is a learning process and we should never regret. You have to be in it to win it. Failure is not trying at all.

  7. mis said:

    I met my soulmate when I was 19 and he was 23 we didn’t really have a relationship we only dated,,,, but lo and behold we ended up having a daughter (abi) together after Dating for less than a year we were On and off for the first two years of Abi’s life we finally split up deciding that were weren’t ready to settle down yet
    we grew apart and the the only time we saw each other was when we exchanged our daughter, I always had the butterflies when I saw him and I knew deep down for sure that I really did love him, when our daughter was about 5 I started dating Dan.He and I were together for 10 years When we had a daughter (bee) , the girls are 11years apart,
    Dan I just never had that passion never Had sparsparks fly when we kissed I don’t think they will ever truly made love I think he was incapable or I was not willing to let him in like that, I’m not sure the relationship was at a stand still, but we stayed together because of the girls and I was pretty much stLuck. we were together for 14 years total i don’t think that we even slept in the same bed for 3 years I had always slept with Breana,, I had feelings for this man and friendship or I loved this man but I was not in love with him I knew in my heart of hearts there somebody else out there I knew that I had met him before but I wasn’t quite sure who he was
    I rememberthis night so clearly abi called her dad. Chris and asked if she could pick up a Wii at his house,, I haven’t talked to Chris for months I thought that his girlfriend had deleted me because she was so jealous of our relationship I should have known then when I got mad at her when she told me that I could no longer talk to him about me or Brianna that I was his little attempt that was not a good situation and never ever been like that towards a woman in my life anyway she is very jealous and I had thought that she had to leave all of our numbers and talk to Chris so this is new Chris and I SAT and talked on the phone that night for about an hourso anyways that next day I went to my hometown to get the Wii
    Chris and I sat down and talked and talked and talked I remember how I felt I felt so comfortable so secure I never wanted to leave the little tiny bachelor pad apartments ever again and you know what, after I left his apartment that day he ended up showing up at my mom and dads house which I would say it was a little bizarre but I didn’t mind after that we text and text and text for the next 2 to 3 weeks 1 day I woke up with a message saying I love you Missy and I always have,
    I been knew I loved him too and I had to decide what I was going to do it since I was already in a relationship but I ended up leaving Dan and Moving back to my hometown with
    Abi wasn’t so happy about this at first but she is now and Briana loves Chris ,she was just glad that she had two daddies,that time in my life was weird strange you could say I was flying by the seat of my pants but in the end it was all worth it then and I get along great like I said I love him but I am definitely not in love with him I am in love with my first sweetheart so needless to say we’re happily in love and married and he is definitely my best friend and I see it as we didn’t get together before because it was fast because we had to grow up and become ourselves in me cuz I had to have my daughter BrEana because without her my life,,,,,well that’s a whole nother story

  8. Elena said:

    Hi James, thank you for all your insights!!! Your work is incredible and you are helping so many people. Is your position the same on astrology? My boyfriend and I are having a rough patch and I ordered a compatibility report from one of the astrology websites. It turns out that the stars are showing a lot of compatibility challenges which is kind of proven by what I see in our relationship. However, the compatibility report left me devastated. I have strong feelings for my boyfriend and was hoping that we are going to pass through the hard times, learn to understand each other and everything will be better. But based on that astrological report we may just be generally incompatible. Do you believe in that? Or your position is that you can learn to live with your differences?

    Thank you!

    • Tracey said:

      Hi Elena,

      Thank you for your kind words. We’re so happy that you’re finding the articles here useful.
      James’s stance is that your intentions and beliefs will affect the outcome of your relationships in positive ways regardless of what differences a couple may have.

      Warm wishes,

      • Elena Efendi said:

        Hi Tracey, thank you for the response. Could James recommend a relationship counselor or psychologist in Houston? I would prefer to talk to someone personally, rather than on the phone.

        I would appreciate your recommendation.

        Thank you again,

        • James Bauer said:

          Hi Elena. I don’t have any personal contacts to recommend in Houston, but in the past I have found the listing of therapists and psychologists on to be very useful for selecting a therapist. Go to their website and look for something that says “find a therapist” or something like that. They show specialties and fees and a lot of other useful information.

          • Elena said:

            Thank you very much, James, for this recommendation and all your work!

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