Destined for Love

finding the right personKristen believes her soulmate is out there. She’s attractive and engaging, so she gets asked out fairly often. Unfortunately, her relationships rarely last beyond the third or fourth date.

When asked why that is, she says, “I only date a guy if I have a special feeling about him. I don’t want to waste my time with a guy unless that magic connection is really strong.”

She goes on to explain that three or four dates is about how long it takes to see if a guy is what she envisions her soulmate to be. If there are any feelings that he does not get her on an intuitive level, she moves on.

Like Kristen, I love the idea that each of us is destined to find a soulmate. It’s romantic. Unfortunately, it can also make finding the right partner harder than it needs to be.

In fact, research has shown that a strong belief in destiny can actually wreak havoc on romance and lower your chances of finding the right person.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with holding out for the right person. I applaud that. But being selective and putting all your faith in destiny are two different things.

Just look at Kristen. She bolts at the first sign of difficulty. She honestly believes that finding the right person means the relationship will develop without hiccups.

Here’s the problem with that. Men and women are terrible at reading each other’s minds.

Most dating relationships begin with a period of infatuation. That’s when things feel truly magical. During that phase of the relationship, it’s common to feel like he’s somehow gained access to your inner thoughts and desires. Almost like he is reading your mind.

But as we get to know each other better, the infatuation fades. No matter how great a guy is, you’ll discover that he isn’t perfect. Like everyone else, he has flaws.

Those flaws, combined with yours, will invariably lead to misunderstandings and rough patches. If you’re expecting turbulence-free love at first sight, it’s easy to feel discouraged at that point. Enough so, that you decide you’ve made a mistake and lose interest in the potential relationship.

The key question is this. Do you believe destiny causes good things to happen to you, or do you put more stock in the idea that we create our own happiness? Is it fate that leads some couples to bliss, or is it their willingness to invest effort and energy into the relationship?

Personally, I think it’s both.

Finding the right person is a big part of relationship success. But expecting destiny to provide you with the perfect person will tie your hands. You will fail to recognize ways to bypass setbacks in a relationship if you believe every little problem indicates he is not “the one.”

A strong belief in destiny can displace your sense of personal power. If you’re expecting your relationship with your soulmate to be effortless, you’re likely headed for disappointment. No romantic connection is successful without work.

On the other hand, if you believe you have the power to shape your own destiny, you won’t be put off by minor relationship challenges. You’ll be ready and willing to work through them. That makes it far more likely you’ll find fulfillment when you meet the right guy.

So, here’s what I recommend.

finding the right personAdopt the idea that working on your relationship is romantic. Over time, you can create a soulmate experience with the right person. Yes, there should be a spark from the beginning. That’s the piece you can’t force. It’s there, or it’s not. But, you’re most likely to fan the flames of a passionate connection by adding your own effort to that spark.

Investing time and work into your relationship is what makes it magical.

Take control of your own destiny. Your soulmate is out there, but don’t expect everything to be perfect from the beginning. Instead, expect a solid, fulfilling relationship to be a mix of destiny and dedicated effort.

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21 thoughts on “Destined for Love

  1. Diane said:

    I think after 4.5 years with being in a committed relationship and him telling me that “you know where this is going, and our families spending time together, going through holidays, family deaths, etc., it doesn’t seem so far fetched to mention marriage knowing right from the beginning this was important to me

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Diane, No, of course, I absolutely agree, and I didn’t mean to sound critical of you. And especially if you made it clear from the beginning that that was what you wanted and expected. BUT – do you want to risk losing him? Is marriage THAT important to you? Do you already live together? I can understand if you are religious and it is deep in your culture and psyche that marriage is important, then it will be of huge significance to you. For me, not being at all religious, and feeling it is MY choice what I do with MY life, it does not matter that much to me, as long as you KNOW they love you. In fact now, at my advanced age, being divorced and owning a large, expensive house and having quite a “comfortable” investment portfolio, so that I have a reasonable income, I would not WANT to get married again, as I would not want to risk losing that if divorce happened again – unless I had a written agreement to that. I would want my money to go to MY children on my death – not half of everything to him and his family. I can understand that you may feel rather “unloved” as he is not prepared to marry you – but that is not actually so, since you say you are in a committed relationship, he says he loves you and you share your lives and families. What difference would marriage make? Only to how you FEEL. Can you see that? It is all in your head. Maybe you should work on how you feel – on your feeling of insecurity. In any case, getting married is NO guarantee that you will STAY together. In fact, it has been proven that when couples get married after some lengthy time living together, they are MORE likely to split up – probably because one of them felt pressured into it. Some men are actually terrified of committing. And it is not that they don’t LOVE you. I believe they are just scared of the responsibility; of losing their independence; of being hurt if it does not work out; of a painful divorce and of losing their home and some of their income. It takes a LOT of courage to get married. Can you not ASK him how HE feels – and try to see it from his point of view? At the end of the day, if you are REALLY not happy with the situation, and he is not prepared to marry you – there is no answer but for you to walk away and find someone who DOES want to marry you. (Not easy!!) Is that what you really want? To lose him? As I say, I think you should try to find your own self-confidence and try to see that marriage is not the be-all and end-all of a happy relationship. These days – many, many people never marry, but still have a long, loving, secure, happy life together. As long as you are sure of his feelngs for you. THAT is the bottom line – not a ring on your finger, which may not mean anything at the end of the day. Try to change your mind-set and relax. Try to enjoy what you have, or else you are spoiling it by getting worried and anxious – and you may end up with nothing. I hope this helps. Best of luck! Lorna

  2. Carmen said:

    What to do when ur married for 22 yrs and your spouse says he’s not getting the attention he feels he’s being pushed aside and he’s not feeling it anymore

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Carmen, TALK to him!! I know, it is scary bringing up subjects that you are afraid may rock the boat – but James will tell you, as he said in an article a long time ago – we HAVE to communicate. We HAVE to “dig into the dirt” as he said and really expose what is ACTUALLY WRONG in the relationship. Your man is tellng you loud and clear that there IS somethIng wrong – he is obviously not happy about the way things are going. If you feel you can’t open up to him, maybe you should go for counselling, or talk to a really trusted friend or family member if possible, and get to the bottom of what he is really feeling. It’s no use hoping this will go away if you ignore it – it won’t. If you have to ask questions on here, it is obvious that you are not capable of having an honest talk with him. Yes, it MAY make things feel bad for a while – but if you still love each other, it will only make things better in the long run. Men are very sensitive creatures, you know. Even if they DO pretend that they are all macho and tough and don’t worry and can cope with life. Very often they can’t. They feel like little boys lost in the desert, and they need you there by their side, rooting for them and giving them your strength to make it through. We women often forget that – in our quest to also be “macho” and self-sufficient. ASK him what he means? HE is the one you need to talk to, not a forum of people who do not know him or the situation. Be brave. If you do not, things will slip and it may all end badly, anyway. He may end up reaching out to someone else for the “attention” he is craving. In this modern world where women are busy with their careers and children, we can so often forget how very important our men are to us – take them for granted. And I can tell you, after having almost 40 years of marriage and 9 years of being on my own after a really nasty divorce – ALONE is a VERY lonely place. We need someone there by our side. Remember one thing – in the end, it is better to regret the things you DID do, rather than regretting the things you DID NOT do. Be brave – “dig into the dirt”. It’s the only way. Best wishes. Lorna

  3. Diane said:

    What do you do when the guy you have been with for 4 1/2 years and who keeps telling you that he loves you and that it’s not me but has panic attacks when marriage is brought up and wonders how do you know that the person is “the one?” And then has anxiety over thinking that what if 5 years down the road you get a divorce, etc. but the relationship otherwise has been great.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Diane. I actually wrote a special report on the very topic. You can access it here for free if you are a member of our insider’s club. Otherwise you’ll see an option to buy just the one report or take a free trial option.

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Diane – maybe you should just STOP talking about marriage!! Simple! Just enjoy what you have, right now. What is the rush to get married, anyway? If by “marriage” you mean a real commitment so that you can feel safe having children, then that is another matter. You do not say much here about what YOUR issues are. Maybe you could explain to him that you feel insecure in the relationship. If he truly loves you, he should understand that. Would it make you feel more secure if you got engaged? Perhaps a ring on your finger would help you to know that he DOES love you and there IS a future together. Or maybe an “eternity” ring or some-such – which just means that you are commited to each other – a sort of promise. Just a token that he actually loves you, and you can prove it to other people. But, be warned – I did this with a really lovely man I was with for two and a half years ( almost 50 years ago), and was crazy about, when I suggested we got engaged, or else finish it. 6 months later, he could not handle all the pressure of getting married and we broke up. He got cold feet because I pushed him too hard. Easy to see with hindsight!! He came back a couple of times, but we did not talk it through properly, and he eventually disappeared. Obviously, he was terrified, too – but I was too young then to understand and know how to handle it all – and no-one to talk to about it. And in those days, if you were not married by the time you were 21, you were on the shelf!! Hard to imagine now, but true! Don’t pressure him. Just relax and enjoy the “now”. That is what men do, you know, I am told. They live in the NOW – one day at a time.Try that for a while and see what happens. Otherwise, you could try telling him that you will start looking elsewhere – but that is skating on thin ice!! He may get so hurt and upset that he decides to do the same – then stalemate!! It’s best to talk and be open and honest with each other. Best wishes. Lorna

  4. Elena said:

    Hi James, thank you for all your insights!!! Your work is incredible and you are helping so many people. Is your position the same on astrology? My boyfriend and I are having a rough patch and I ordered a compatibility report from one of the astrology websites. It turns out that the stars are showing a lot of compatibility challenges which is kind of proven by what I see in our relationship. However, the compatibility report left me devastated. I have strong feelings for my boyfriend and was hoping that we are going to pass through the hard times, learn to understand each other and everything will be better. But based on that astrological report we may just be generally incompatible. Do you believe in that? Or your position is that you can learn to live with your differences?

    Thank you!

    • Tracey said:

      Hi Elena,

      Thank you for your kind words. We’re so happy that you’re finding the articles here useful.
      James’s stance is that your intentions and beliefs will affect the outcome of your relationships in positive ways regardless of what differences a couple may have.

      Warm wishes,

      • Elena Efendi said:

        Hi Tracey, thank you for the response. Could James recommend a relationship counselor or psychologist in Houston? I would prefer to talk to someone personally, rather than on the phone.

        I would appreciate your recommendation.

        Thank you again,

      • James Bauer said:

        Hi Elena. I don’t have any personal contacts to recommend in Houston, but in the past I have found the listing of therapists and psychologists on to be very useful for selecting a therapist. Go to their website and look for something that says “find a therapist” or something like that. They show specialties and fees and a lot of other useful information.

      • Elena said:

        Thank you very much, James, for this recommendation and all your work!

  5. mis said:

    I met my soulmate when I was 19 and he was 23 we didn’t really have a relationship we only dated,,,, but lo and behold we ended up having a daughter (abi) together after Dating for less than a year we were On and off for the first two years of Abi’s life we finally split up deciding that were weren’t ready to settle down yet
    we grew apart and the the only time we saw each other was when we exchanged our daughter, I always had the butterflies when I saw him and I knew deep down for sure that I really did love him, when our daughter was about 5 I started dating Dan.He and I were together for 10 years When we had a daughter (bee) , the girls are 11years apart,
    Dan I just never had that passion never Had sparsparks fly when we kissed I don’t think they will ever truly made love I think he was incapable or I was not willing to let him in like that, I’m not sure the relationship was at a stand still, but we stayed together because of the girls and I was pretty much stLuck. we were together for 14 years total i don’t think that we even slept in the same bed for 3 years I had always slept with Breana,, I had feelings for this man and friendship or I loved this man but I was not in love with him I knew in my heart of hearts there somebody else out there I knew that I had met him before but I wasn’t quite sure who he was
    I rememberthis night so clearly abi called her dad. Chris and asked if she could pick up a Wii at his house,, I haven’t talked to Chris for months I thought that his girlfriend had deleted me because she was so jealous of our relationship I should have known then when I got mad at her when she told me that I could no longer talk to him about me or Brianna that I was his little attempt that was not a good situation and never ever been like that towards a woman in my life anyway she is very jealous and I had thought that she had to leave all of our numbers and talk to Chris so this is new Chris and I SAT and talked on the phone that night for about an hourso anyways that next day I went to my hometown to get the Wii
    Chris and I sat down and talked and talked and talked I remember how I felt I felt so comfortable so secure I never wanted to leave the little tiny bachelor pad apartments ever again and you know what, after I left his apartment that day he ended up showing up at my mom and dads house which I would say it was a little bizarre but I didn’t mind after that we text and text and text for the next 2 to 3 weeks 1 day I woke up with a message saying I love you Missy and I always have,
    I been knew I loved him too and I had to decide what I was going to do it since I was already in a relationship but I ended up leaving Dan and Moving back to my hometown with
    Abi wasn’t so happy about this at first but she is now and Briana loves Chris ,she was just glad that she had two daddies,that time in my life was weird strange you could say I was flying by the seat of my pants but in the end it was all worth it then and I get along great like I said I love him but I am definitely not in love with him I am in love with my first sweetheart so needless to say we’re happily in love and married and he is definitely my best friend and I see it as we didn’t get together before because it was fast because we had to grow up and become ourselves in me cuz I had to have my daughter BrEana because without her my life,,,,,well that’s a whole nother story

  6. Susan said:

    I agree with James. Love is a risk, you may win or you may lose. When you invest in someone an it didn’t work out, people will ridicule you for the time you had wasted. Love is a learning process and we should never regret. You have to be in it to win it. Failure is not trying at all.

  7. josephine said:

    Why do most guys want to take advantage of a working class woman. Even the ones that are comfortable on their own financially? Now, this is not what I want as a life partner because it makes me feel all that brings these men is what they want to gain from me. But at the other hand, it seems one is been selfish or selective as some people would say. Can I ever find true love with this caliber of men?

  8. Arminé said:

    …you have the one by your side, but dont ignore the opportunity if it does not have the appearance you were picturing: give yourself a chance and if hopefully the spark is there, with a little of mutual work will reveal your perfect soulmate with all their imperfections that you love! Cheers to all singles out in the lookout for the right one and Happy New Year!:)

  9. Arminé said:

    James, I love your blog so much! One of the most saught after emails I get! Thank you! I totally agree with you on recipé of true love having efforts and belief! I also would just add: faith in you! I’m a lot into not destiny but Law of Attraction and I do believe that what you input is what you find as the output! So use all your 6 senses to believe y

  10. Anette said:

    I fell in love with my boyfriend’s eyes when I met him.
    They are so special, two blue seas of tranquility and endless otherworldly blueness. His eyes were like staring at someone from another plane, a sea of healing love and compassion.
    Some people say that one should fall in love with another’s eyes because no matter how old you get, when you look into their eyes it will feel like magic again. I don’t know about that but everytime I look into his eyes its like I see the soul I fell in love with the first time. Those eyes drew me like a moth to a flame <3

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Anette, Beautiful! You could also say that the eyes are the window to the soul!! Yes, I believe that the eyes say a lot – without speaking words. Often, if you are empathetic, you can actually “hear” what the other person is saying just from the look in their eyes. It is a wonderful gift that not everyone has, I’m sure. Obviously you do, and I believe I do, too. But sometimes it works against us – because it is not easy for people to fool us!! We know exactly what they are thinking. Or maybe I am being too fanciful? My ex-husband has Aspergers and finds it difficult to look into other people’s eyes. Also my middle daughter. What is that saying? Lorna

  11. Naliah said:

    I always wondered if I will ever find my soul mate. I am about to give up on looking. Every time I try to date, It looks like I am at a job interview. These dates are looking for material things and I am looking for true love. They give up on me and when they find out that the grass is not greener on the other side, they come back. But I don’t give them another chance, because I already know what they are looking for. What should I do? I am not rich, but I am a good package

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Naliah. Don’t give up on finding a man who shares your desire to love a person rather than a checklist of attributes. It may require a lot of looking, but he’s out there right now doing the same thing. You’ll eventually find each other.


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