finding the right personKristen believes her soulmate is out there. She’s attractive and engaging, so she gets asked out fairly often. Unfortunately, her relationships rarely last beyond the third or fourth date.

When asked why that is, she says, “I only date a guy if I have a special feeling about him. I don’t want to waste my time with a guy unless that magic connection is really strong.”

She goes on to explain that three or four dates is about how long it takes to see if a guy is what she envisions her soulmate to be. If there are any feelings that he does not get her on an intuitive level, she moves on.

Like Kristen, I love the idea that each of us is destined to find a soulmate. It’s romantic. Unfortunately, it can also make finding the right partner harder than it needs to be.

In fact, research has shown that a strong belief in destiny can actually wreak havoc on romance and lower your chances of finding the right person.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with holding out for the right person. I applaud that. But being selective and putting all your faith in destiny are two different things.

Just look at Kristen. She bolts at the first sign of difficulty. She honestly believes that finding the right person means the relationship will develop without hiccups.

Here’s the problem with that. Men and women are terrible at reading each other’s minds.

Most dating relationships begin with a period of infatuation. That’s when things feel truly magical. During that phase of the relationship, it’s common to feel like he’s somehow gained access to your inner thoughts and desires. Almost like he is reading your mind.

But as we get to know each other better, the infatuation fades. No matter how great a guy is, you’ll discover that he isn’t perfect. Like everyone else, he has flaws.

Those flaws, combined with yours, will invariably lead to misunderstandings and rough patches. If you’re expecting turbulence-free love at first sight, it’s easy to feel discouraged at that point. Enough so, that you decide you’ve made a mistake and lose interest in the potential relationship.

The key question is this. Do you believe destiny causes good things to happen to you, or do you put more stock in the idea that we create our own happiness? Is it fate that leads some couples to bliss, or is it their willingness to invest effort and energy into the relationship?

Personally, I think it’s both.

Finding the right person is a big part of relationship success. But expecting destiny to provide you with the perfect person will tie your hands. You will fail to recognize ways to bypass setbacks in a relationship if you believe every little problem indicates he is not “the one.”

A strong belief in destiny can displace your sense of personal power. If you’re expecting your relationship with your soulmate to be effortless, you’re likely headed for disappointment. No romantic connection is successful without work.

On the other hand, if you believe you have the power to shape your own destiny, you won’t be put off by minor relationship challenges. You’ll be ready and willing to work through them. That makes it far more likely you’ll find fulfillment when you meet the right guy.

So, here’s what I recommend.

finding the right personAdopt the idea that working on your relationship is romantic. Over time, you can create a soulmate experience with the right person. Yes, there should be a spark from the beginning. That’s the piece you can’t force. It’s there, or it’s not. But, you’re most likely to fan the flames of a passionate connection by adding your own effort to that spark.

Investing time and work into your relationship is what makes it magical.

Take control of your own destiny. Your soulmate is out there, but don’t expect everything to be perfect from the beginning. Instead, expect a solid, fulfilling relationship to be a mix of destiny and dedicated effort.

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