Draw Him Closer by Feeding Him This

dealing with a man's egoThe male ego is a strange beast.

On one hand, men are proud creatures. They like to feel independent, strong and respected. But they can also be big babies.

Sometimes really big babies.

Dealing with your guy’s ego is kind of like feeding a lion. If you don’t give it enough food, it’ll wither. It’s hard to imagine anything more depressing than the king of the jungle wasting away simply because he can’t get a decent meal.

But if you feed his ego too much, it can turn into a rabid, blood-thirsty monster. Something like Jaws with a mane.

Too much and too little are both bad.

Granted, this is true for everyone. But it’s especially true for us guys. And that’s because guys tend to use their ego as a shield.

Few men will let you get close to them if their egos have recently taken a beating.

Author Carli Blau puts it this way: “A man will sooner let his ego control his emotions than allow his heart to control it, especially if his ego has been bruised.”[i]

So if you want a real connection with him, you have to learn how to feed a lion. Once you learn to do this you’ll be nothing short then His Secret Obsession. Hence the title of my newest course.

Making sure his ego gets enough “food” is fairly easy. Listen to him. Make sure he knows you’re invested in the things that matter to him. And always give him the impression that you admire him (even if you disagree with him sometimes).

Although, I have to admit, I may be using the wrong analogy. “Feeding his ego” is not the best way to explain what you really need to do.

What you’re really doing is protecting his ego, not feeding it. Because you only get to see the heroic version of your man when he’s feeling heroic.

When you draw out a man’s hero instinct, you see the best in him. When his ego is bruised, you’re likely to see the worst side of his masculine nature.

So you should never point out how other men have superior talents (even if they do). And never tell him he’s acting like a toddler, even if he is.

Instead, always give him the impression that you admire him for his unique talents and personality traits.

And then SAY IT. Say it out loud. Guys need that.

Of course, if all he hears from you is how awesome he is, you might fear he’ll have difficulty getting through doors with his big head. But don’t worry about that. It doesn’t happen in real life. Here’s what really happens when you protect a man’s ego.

He stops feeling the need to protect his own ego. He becomes gentler. Kinder. More considerate. And more interested in the well-being of others.

There will be times when you need to ask him to change something. After all, he’s going to screw up some times.

When he does, focus on what he did, not who he is.

If you go after his character, you’ll bruise that ego. His defenses will fly up, and your connection will suffer.

dealing with a man's egoFor example, if he ditches you to hang out with his friends, tell him how that made you feel instead of telling him he’s a jerk. It’s always easier to ask someone to change certain actions than to get them to admit they are a bad person in need of reform.

You want a guy who’s confident without being arrogant. Bring out the best in him by protecting his ego so he doesn’t have to. He’ll appreciate you for that. More than you might imagine.

What Men Secretly Want

After consuming this short-guide, you will possess a secret that men cannot express well because it is so foundational to their view of the world that they don't even realize it is there.

Learn More

Why Men Shut Women Out - A Special Report By Slade Shaw. Get Your Free Special Report
Get Your Free Report

49 thoughts on “Draw Him Closer by Feeding Him This

  1. Cindy said:

    I met this guy about six months ago and we hit it off almost immediately. We would meet about once or twice a week because of our busy schedule. After 2 months of meeting him, he blurted out during one of my visits to his house that ‘he was in love with me’. He did everything to make me happy. He would check on me every morning and night. He would cook for me. He would call when he was stuck in traffic and we would talk at length about anything and everything.
    I tried to do everything to make him happy as well. He began to open up to me and tell me even his deepest secrets. He even introduced me to his friends, work colleagues.
    We have been doing just fine when all of a sudden, he withdrew.
    I would send a lovely good morning message and he would read and not reply or reply with ‘I’m fine’. He would read my messages and not reply until hours later. When I try to visit him, he would say he’s at work or at his parents or he’s hosting friend’s or bosses. I just realized he was avoiding me.
    I’ve been trying to figure out what I did wrong but nothing is forthcoming.
    I promised myself that I wasn’t gonna bother him if he continued, but I couldn’t help myself and tried to find out from him if he was struggling with issues I didn’t know about or if I had done something wrong, but he just apologized and said nothing was wrong. He then promised to come visit me. I cooked and wore what he likes best but I still haven’t seen him for a week now, and there’s no explanation from him too. He doesn’t even text or call me anymore.
    I’m confused at this point.

    • Christine said:

      You didn’t do anything wrong. Many guys are addicted to the chase. Your scenario happens all the time. I’m sorry your hurt and confused. Be glad he moved along, and when he’s done with chasing the next gal, and reaches out to see if your into him, don’t respond for a day and then don’t give him much of your time, because your time is valuable and he’s done nothing to earn any of that time. Your beautiful and high valued so move on. Take care!

  2. Nicole said:

    What advice is there for women who seek males with no ego? I live an enlightened life and I’m going for guys the same where we live a no-ego existence. Do you think men are capable of living without ego?

  3. Shirley said:

    My husband cheated on me throughout our married life of 33yrs. He has given me an ultimatum…he said he said he would do all the things required of a husband for me, but I must let him take on a lover. If there be a need of a seperation or him just simply living in the same house. he would like to see his lover whenever he needs too. He said he was tired of lying and cheating and just needed his freedom to go and come as he pleases. What agers me about this situation is that he requires me to perform my wifely duties like, cooking, cleaning and taking care of all his other needs. But when he feels the need to visit his lover he must be free. I am seeing a pschologist , but I cannot afford to buy the books available online. Shirley From South Africa

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Shirley. I’m glad you’ve reached out for support from a mental health professional, because this is a very stressful situation you are facing. Be strong and go after a life that will bring happiness, even if it’s a tough journey. A life that feels meaningful requires relationships that feel meaningful. Don’t compromise on that.


      • Anonymous said:

        Me and my husband is separated I love him so much he tells me that he loves me but not in love with me we don’t have sex any more he still takes care of me I broke his trust he still calls me I go to his house to clean he change all the locks on the house but gave me a key back do he still want me please help me get my love back

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Shirley, I am feeling SO angry on your behalf!! SO ANGRY. HOW DARE HE!! How DARE he treat you like a house-keeper? How absolutely DARE he!! Given you an ultimatum? HOW DARE HE? He says he “will do all the things required of a husband”. What are these “things” he talks of? What “things” are more important than showing you love, respect and loyalty? Which he has NEVER done throughout your 33 years of marriage. You do not need a psychiatrist, Darling, you need a LAWYER. Get rid of him. Once and for all. Obviously, South African law will be different to English Law, but here in England, after such a lengthy marriage, he would be made to give you 50% of everything. Including his pension – which may be quite substantial. AND any savings he may have squirreled away, unbeknown to you. If you still feel the need to stay with him, tell him, quietly and confidently – with your head held high – that, Yes, you will stay married to him, but he cannot expect to have his cake and eat it – i.e. you will NOT cook for him, wash his clothes or clean up after him, or perform any other “wifely duties” or take care of all his “other needs”. You will keep the house clean and tidy ONLY if YOU WISH to do so, for YOUR OWN benefit. Make yourself a separate place of your own within the house, if possible, where he is not allowed to be. And make a separate life for yourself. Make sure you get out with friends on your own. BUT all that cannot possibly be a good way to live. Make plans to get rid of him. Talk to a lawyer, get all your ducks in a row – especially, do not leave the family home. Try to, quietly, find out if he has put money away without your knowledge. Make sure you know all your rights, look things up online, and when you feel confident and secure that you have all the knowledge available – file for divorce. Yes, it is scary, but you can do it. It is not so bad, once you have had the courage to go through it. Many of us have been there, after a long marriage, and come through OK. And, surely, ANYTHING is better than living with this insensitive, uncaring, selfish man? You’ve put up with him long enough – it seems to me. Best wishes and KEEP STRONG!! Lorna

      • Anonymous said:

        I completely agree with Lorna. Drop kick his butt to the curb!

      • Dawn said:

        I think her husband is a complete swear word! I agree with you Lorna- she needs a divorce. Even if there were some magic pill to get him to adore her and be faithful to her why would she want him, Her needs and wants are not being met.

  4. Rox said:

    Hi James.I hooked-up with a guy for 8 months. He was treating me good initially for the first few months (fetching me to work and back home, making soup for me when I was tired of working, accompanying me shopping, initiating conversation with me using WhatsApp everyday, telling good morning and good night, sometimes with voice messages, video calling me once every 3-4 days etc.) We were good, kept making plan to meet each other once every week.

    However, he never confessed to me about how he felt. He never told me that he loved me, or he missed me. He hardly hold my hand, but he did kissed my forehead in the public. I never met his friends before. He did not ask me out or give me present for Valentines’ Day (which is in our forth month of dating)

    In the sixth month of dating, he brought me to his house. We kissed, then I lied on his chest and we fell asleep. He was trying to arouse me sexually by kissing my ears and neck but I did not proceed to have sexual activity with him. Our physical contact were brief such as hugging and kissing.

    In the same month, when we were shopping in a mall, we met his colleague. He was acting naturally without trying to hide me, and he did not introduce who am I. After we left his colleague, I asked him “What would you say if your colleague asked who am I?”, He answered “Girlfriend.” Then I said “Girlfriend? Since when?” He said “Whichever day you decide :)”

    Things seemed fine thereafter, he was treating me good (fetching me to work, making soup for me, accompanying me shopping, initiating text with me everyday, telling good morning and good night, sometimes with voice messages, holding my waist and shoulder and kissing me in the public, video calling me once every 3-4 days etc.). But still, he never confessed to me about how he felt. He never told me that he loved me, or he missed me. He hardly hold my hand. I never met his friends and family. The only flirty messages that he told me were “Hope to see you soon” “I want to fetch you so that I can see you” “I want to hug you in bed”

    Until in the middle of eighth month, he claimed that he was very busy with his work. He cancelled our plan for traveling outstation. When I asked him out, he said that he was busy and could not make it. He told me he will inform me when he is free, with an wink emoji (and I don’t know how long I have to wait). But he was still keeping in touch with me daily, greeting me good morning and good night, and video calling me once every a few days. We have not been meeting each other for 1 month!

    One day in the nineth month, I texted him saying that my Uber car left me after work at night. He told me that he was in his friend’s house. I was angry but I controlled my emotion and texted with him as if nothing went wrong. On the second day, he greeted me “Good morning” and I replied “Good morning”. After work, I told him that I have reached home. And he replied “Eating fruits”. Actually I feel that we were not close enough to fight, but then I bumped out these messages to him “Actually I’m very unhappy when you weren’t concerned when I told you that my Uber drove away last night” “If you really care about this relationship, I wish that you can treat me better.” “At least as good as last time”

    He read this text and he did not reply. We were in cold war for 1 week.
    My heart was definitely broken by his non-responsive behaviour.

    9 days later, I video called him but he did not pick up even he was online.

    The next day, I texted him.
    I said “Hello! Good morning” “How’s your fever?” (In the previous messages he told me that he fell sick)
    He replied “Good morning. My fever had already subsided”
    I said “Ohh.. That is Good!”
    He : “It is good that you are enjoying swimming” (He saw my Facebook post about my swimming activity which was filmed by a guy friend)
    me : “Yes. Finally I got to swim with proper posture.”
    He did not reply

    After work, I texted him again
    “I have just reached home from work”
    Normally, he would reply with what is he up to.
    But this time, he had been offline for 1 hour.

    I waited for another hour, I saw that he had read my text but he did not reply.

    I then texted again “I am sleeping soon. Do drive safely.” Normally, he would reply and tell me whether he is still at outside with friends or on the way back, followed by a “Good Night” message. This time he was online but he did not read my message.

    He read my message in the next morning but he still did not reply.

    Dear James, please correct me if I have done anything wrong so that I won’t repeat my mistakes. And please tell me what should I do to get him back?

    I told myself that even if one day he become poor, or with disease, I would still be staying by his side and take care of him. I rejected guys who had better qualities than him when I was with him. I admit that sometimes I did miss out what he requested me to do, such as cook for him, help him to make a medical check-up appointment. I don’t know if he was turned off when I inform him when guys sent me flowers (he never sent me flower even if I requested). But I do not understand why is our relationship so fragile. The heartache is killing me.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Rox. You’ve shared an interesting bit of your relationship history here, and I feel compelled to respond even though we usually encourage people to send long personal questions through our private advice forum.

      Typically, when someone relays a history of their relationship, they don’t include the parts that would actually explain what went wrong. Why? Because they don’t know. If they knew, they would’ve fixed the problem in the first place.

      While you’ve shown us an interesting glimpse of your relationship history, the truth about why he has hesitated to pursue you with his whole heart is a secret that only he knows.
      Yes, I can teach you general techniques and ideas that will tug at a man’s heart. But here’s something even more important for your situation right now…

      Get better at clearly communicating with each other about what you want from each other.

      It seems both of you are playing a bit of a guessing game. It doesn’t seem like a very fun game. Certainly not one I would want to participate in myself. It’s painful.
      There’s something to be said for the mystery of dancing around unspoken desire. But it’s not worth the kind of misery the two of you are going through.

      It’s better to admit what you really want. That way, there’s at least a chance that the other person will choose to give you what you want if it mostly matches what he wants.

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        Rox, I absolutely agree with James. His reply is word for word what I was thinking. You got your man’s answer to your question when you said “Girlfriend? – since when?” and he replied “Whichever day you decide”. That says it all!!! He has been waiting and waiting for a signal from YOU that you WANT to be his girlfriend. You should have then responded to his “feeler” response something like “Oh, that is so lovely – how about this very minute? I’d love to be your girlfriend?” or some such, and put your arms around him and give him a gentle kiss on the lips. The way you responded was cruel, I have to say. He has been putting out feelers and you have not been responding. Now he has pulled back to see what reaction he will get from you – if any. And you are STILL not giving him the answer he wants – waiting for some action from him. A man friend told me that men actually have to WAIT for the right signal from the female that his advances will be accepted before they can proceed further. It is always up to the woman to give the “go-ahead” – they are in charge of the relationship – the same way as with animals. Otherwise he will be afraid that he is coming on too strong and scare you off. He has given you enough hints and clues about how he feels – but you are not picking up on them and responding. For goodness sake!!! TALK TO HIM. Open up your heart and talk to him. Face to face – not over Skype, Facebook or texts. Tell him it is killing you, you want to be his girlfriend, and PLEASE can you start over and get it on the right footing? Relationships do not happen on their own – you have to work on them and constantly nurture them. Why else does James write all these articles giving us the information we need? Take his advice and run with it. What have you got to lose? I know it is scary – I have been doing the same thing myself – because you are terrified of losing him completely. But half a relationship and lots and lots of heartache is not what you want. Open up your heart and speak – it is as easy as that, and I am sure you will get good results! Oh yes – and he will not tell you he loves you until he feels secure in the knowledge that he will not look and feel like an idiot if you knock him back. It sounds as though he is a very sensitive guy. AND words are only words – actions speak so much more loudly – and he showed you in so many ways that he DOES love you. And don’t wait, either for the flowers, etc. – some of the other (seemingly boring) stuff is just as important (actually more so) as a bunch of flowers. Believe it!! Best wishes. (Let us know what happens!). Lorna x

  5. LUNA said:

    Hi i was married years and months when my husband told me he want a separation i accepted because i did agree we needed some time apart ti miss each other. little did i know he had been talking with a co-worker and the very next day he started texting her and a week later the started a relationship even though they both deny it i knew they were together. I love him very much and i want to spark the interest between us again start a new fresh relationship. I have suggested to him and he get really irritated and tells me he does not wants me in his life. But there is time he has looked at me with no anger he has admitted that he is still physical attracted to me, but that i have done so many wrong things to him that he cant forgive me.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Luna. Do you think he’s the right man for you? Do you think the relationship would be healthy if you were able to overcome this pain he speaks of?

      It would be good to pause to consider your own answer to these questions. Then you should consider what his answers might be to those same questions.

      I’m sorry for the pain you are going through right now.

  6. Lima said:

    Hi James,
    I don’t really know where to start actually 🙁 I have been in an on/off relationship with this guy and although the off period has only been for about a month and then we would sort out our differences and move on. The only problem is that he does not forget the past and brings it up all the time. I’ve never cheated on him but kept in contact with an ex (and I will be honest and say that it wasn’t to have sex but he was a really nice guy who was seeing me or having a liaison with me because his wife was terminally ill and there was no sex in their marriage. He also told me that he would never leave her and I understood, so we became secret lovers and it suited us perfectly at the time and I had said that when I met someone else and wanted to sleep and explore that relationship, then ours would have to end as I was not a player.) and I told him that I would still talk to my ex but that that is all it would be. He turned out to be so jealous that he made me swear that I would never talk to him again and made me delete all my photos that I had of both of us and just of him. I thought that it was a very unreasonable request and although I did what he asked in that I deleted all photos etc, I still spoke with him every known again about everything ….. and even my now relationship! He then got into my emails and facebook account and then all hell broke loose and he kicked me out his house (the 1st time). After that blew over we got back together again and a couple of years later we had a terrible argument in which I challenged the unhealthy relationship that he had with his daughter and mother as they were always telling him what to do, what they decided should be right in his life ….. and the list could keep going on. He stopped making me a priority and a number of other things and I just had to say something. I know they were nasty but they were truthful and he didn’t like it so he kicked me out again. This time his family got involved and started to emotionally blackmail him by making him either choose them over me or they wanted nothing to do with him. How can people be like this. We did get back together again and now they only see him when he is by himself and not when he is with me because they say that I hurt him so much that they can’t take that pain again. I did nothing to them so why are they treating me like this. On Christmas Day he had to go around to his mothers house and celebrate Christmas with her for several hours and I was left on my own. I was so hurt that he couldn’t have said to his mother that I was spending the Christmas Holidays with him and if she didn’t want to come around and join us, then so be it she could stay on her own. She only lives about 500 yards up the road! His brother wouldn’t even talk to him and totally disowned him because he was seeing me and that hurt both him and his mother, but should family be so controlling ….. ? I talk to his kids and his daughter as she has said that he and I should do whatever makes us happy as we are the only one that knows what goes on in a relationship – having gone through a terrible breakup herself. Anyway 18 months on, I am still living in my place and he still lives in his house. I am living in a shared house and he is the house that he owns. It’s not ideal but he hasn’t asked me to move back in with him even though running his house is costing him a lot of money and my contribution would make a big difference. We have been arguing and it’s always my fault. He finds fault in everything I say or do and has recently said some really nasty things to me and swears at me all the time too. I have asked him why is he doing this to me and he just says he doesn’t know. He is not happy about his finance situation as he is spending more money than he earns and is eating away at his inheritance, although he currently has 4 cars – 1 that he uses and his daily drive; 1 which he is trying to sale and 2 other sports cars which he likes to keep. We had looked at a house together but he can’t afford to buy that as it will leave him with no money – and again I get left out of any decision making process but yet he will ask his children (22 and 16 years old by the way) whether they like the house and whether he should buy it or not. Things came to a head at the weekend when he has taken some leave and doesn’t know whether he can afford to go away or not. So I suggested that I look for some ideas and the minute I found some really good deals, he flew with rage that I was pressuring him to do something that he hasn’t thought about yet and that I was trying to persuade and instill by wants onto him. He said that he would still have to discuss this with his children?? He said that he may even look at a cheaper holiday abroad and when I said to him that that would be okay for them as a family but not for me because I would have to get a visa – he horribly just said to me …. that’s not my fault! I can get a visa but they usually take a few weeks so I can’t just book a last minute holiday and of course I was angry and put one and one together and said that I knew what he was doing ….. pushing me away, arguing with me, not committing, no compliments, forced thank yous and everything seemed to be an effort when it came to me. Sex was only because he wanted it and usually it was to do only what he wanted me to do to him. I know that he has a lot on his mind what with 12 work colleagues that he had been working with for many years have all retired roughly all at the same time, and just to end things on a really sad note, his Uncle passed away yesterday and that was sad, but when usually he would tell me everything that is going on with his life, he never even called or messaged me to inform me of this. It took a message from me later in the day to ask how everything was as I knew he had a difficult meeting that he had to be on. All of this was in text by the way. No call last night either and did not hear a word from him until I initiated a text to see if he had got back home safely. Even then he sent me a message which read “Hi, just got home a few minutes ago, going straight to bed as worn out.” I replied …. “are we not chatting before sleep” and then he face-timed me but he appeared very cold. I then asked if you would be speaking to me tomorrow and then he gave me a long list of telephone calls etc that he has and he may not have time! I cried the whole of yesterday after the morning call when I asked him about booking the holiday because of the nasty things that he had said to me but didn’t say any of this to him when we spoke last night.
    Is he playing games with me? Does he want to end the relationship because he hasn’t clearly said that to me or is he pushing me away in the hope that I will end it? I am so unhappy and sad right now as to be with someone for nearly 7 years is a long time. I still love him despite what we’ve been through but I think that he wants out as the pressure from his Mother and Brother are too much and then all the other things aren’t helping either. I just don’t know what to do? Please can you give me some guidance. Lima

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Lima. You are welcome to post in-depth personal consultation requests like this in our private forum for our professional relationship coaches to respond to. Alternatively, we have a service for private coaching response available here. We appreciate your involvement. I just want to channel this kind of question into the right path so that we can give your question the attention it deserves.

  7. Memuna Zubair said:

    Hi James please advise how to feed his ego if it results in him being arrogant and dominent over me?

    • James Bauer said:

      Memuna, try complimenting him when he treats you well. Build his ego by pointing out the ways he respects you and the moments when he seems to understand you and really connect with you. Then you will be drawing out the kind of relationship dynamic that makes your relationship healthier.

      • Memuna Zubair said:

        Thanks.I was stuck on that subtle line between arrogance abd confidence.I will work on these lines advised by you.

  8. Pheeluvr said:

    Thank you for this excellent and concise summary of how to protect a guy’s ego. I learned this the (very) hard way yet now am happy to finally understand and to have guys respond to me because I learned from my mistakes. Would just add that to get to the place you describe I found it was important to understand what my own defense mechanisms and insecurities were.

  9. Mary Ann said:

    I’ve been married for 21years and my husband told me he’s no longer in love with me. Made sure to say it’s not anything I’ve done, and went on to list all the good things I do. But says he can’t see a future together. I love him dearly & pray there’s something I can do or say to bring him back to me

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mary Ann. This must be a very difficult time for you. It sounds like your man still respects you and values you as a person, but has been fooled by the many false messages about what “love” feels like. He may see love as something that happens to you, rather than an action…something you choose to do.

      In long term relationships, couples fall in and out of the infatuated feeling of being in love. It’s a natural cycle. Our brains simply are not wired to stay infatuated nonstop. Perhaps he would be open to exploring this concept. Maybe choosing to date each other again and invest in what is beautiful in your romance. Maybe exploring ways to create a sense of excitement again in your physical relationship. You might ask him to read Mating in Captivity. The author describes some of the research about bringing the physical part of the “in love” feeling back to long-term relationships.

  10. Moy said:

    I nursed his ego in all the figurative and literal ways you can think of but we still didn’t work. I guess that don’t work for everyone.

    • James Bauer said:

      Yes, making a man feel like a man is only one part of the equation. I’m glad you have mastered that skill, but I’m sorry it wasn’t enough to improve the relationship you were in.

  11. Mel said:

    Hi James,
    My bf told me two weeks ago he felt I was too good for him and I deserved someone better than himself. We spent the weekend apart and last weekend together, now again last night he ignored me and this morning told me he feels differently than before. That he wishes I would have done the things I do now in the beginning. (I was afraid to allow myself to love him) he said things are feeling different in his head and when I ask if he’s scared or needs space or if he wants to end the relationship all he said was I don’t even know, insert super sad face

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Mel. In situations like these, it’s often best to tell him clearly where you stand (i.e. that you are enjoying the relationship) and ask if he agrees that this might not be the best time to make a decision given that he feels confused. Instead, challenge him to enjoy the relationship one month at a time without feeling a need to “figure it out.”

  12. dion said:

    hello i have been married for 30 years my husband told me he does not feel the same about me as he used to.he is never home .no hugs no kisses no sex nothing.he keeps his phone on lock down,and he talks for hours with this one woman.i am broken so sad. is there any hope

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Dion. It seems he has not learned that love is a choice, not just a feeling. Without understanding that, any of his relationships are ultimately doomed to failure. Because the “in love” feeling naturally comes and goes when you’ve been married that long. In contrast, choosing to love someone is steady constant. It creates the foundation from which the feelings repeatedly emerge, sometimes in powerful waves.

      You might ask him if he is willing to “date you again” for a period of three months. You could also ask if he is willing to see a relationship therapist with you. And if you haven’t read through my relationship guide called “Endless Honeymoon,” that would help you explore ways to re-create the context of your relationship.

  13. Melanie said:

    Dear James,

    I am going through this friendship/relationship, not sure how to call it, but it was really good at first he would say all the right things and we looked forward to my messages and if I didn’t reply he would saying in a good way that he always looks forward to my text messages but replying to his messages was like the greatest thing. He never asked me out or anything but spoke to me like we were going out. Eventually we made plans and spent a night together. After that he has been so cold and distance. He doesn’t reply my text message right away and he texts me like twice a week now compared to the everyday messages. I get a feeling he does that to evey lady. I felt like we had a connection there but now i feel it is all an act? He then messages me now but when I reply he takes so long to respond. Please help me say the right words to him to really make him obsessed with me. Please I would greatly appreciate it. I really like him but I do not know if I am saying the right things in my messages. Please help?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Melanie.

      I have two resources for you.

      First, this is the kind of detailed question that may require some back and forth conversation. Our blog is not a great place for that, but our private forum is. We have a fee for access to the private forum…which pays the relationship coaches who are active in the forum each day. You can get access here if you like.

      The second resource is something written by my friend, Amy Waterman, about the “seduction community” and how to avoid it. I’m not saying I know for sure that this guy is just a player, but I’d like you to educate yourself a bit about that possibility by reading this post on my site:

  14. Reyna Pecot said:

    Dear James:

    I am going through a second separation from my boyfriend who has recently let me know he doesn’t see himself with me in the future. The issue is he has let me know it is him more than me. He let’s me know I do so much for him and I go above and beyond for him but (I guess it not enough) problem he felt he could not help me when I got depressed and hurt when my father and best friend died.

    I was hurting and became lethargic everyday. And that when he gave up.

    The work within him depleted because he felt he could not be my hero

    • James Bauer said:

      Hello, Reyna. I wish your relationship had unfolded differently.

      I want to be honest with you. It is very difficult for a relationship to recover from this kind of situation.

      If you still want to give this relationship a chance, here’s what I recommend. Consider to what extent your boyfriend knows and understands what you have just shared with us here. If he sees it this way, as a temporary lapse in your readiness to be energized by a relationship, he may reconsider what the future looks like with you. While the odds may be low, it never hurts to make sure he has seen the relationship through the lens of the story you captured in your explanation here.


  15. Laura said:

    Recently got with this guy after he chased me for two years but since we started dating he now tells me he doesnt like talking on the phone. Takes forever to respond to my messeges. I hit braking point a few days what Exactly I feel about this whole thing and since then I have not heard from him. Help.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey Laura. When you submit a question to one of our relationship coaches, the form takes you through the necessary steps of providing context and background for your question. This might help us to offer a meaningful response for your situation. You can access that paid service here.

  16. Bentwingangel said:

    Please help me I’m separated from my husband he cheated on me and then I started a relationship with someone else too. I broke mine off when I realized I still love him but he continued for 2 months and now it’s over. He’s talking to me but still keeping me at a arms length when I question him about it he says don’t start. I don’t want to argue. I’m on a emotional roller coaster when I’m around him. I love him so much more than I realized. I want him back. Could you give me the Hero instinct text. That’s all I want . I believe it will truly work on him. Totally at your mercy …

  17. Sandra ~ Dee said:

    What are the best key words to grab his attention and keep it ? I don’t want *all* the secrets, because obviously i would have to pay for the course to get every detail but i’m just looking for step 1 … (i dont have $50 to pay for the course but if i did it would definitely be a good investment!) Please help this hopeless romantic find her mr right !

    • James Bauer said:

      Unfortunately you would need to first understand the basics about the course before keywords would be useful to you. Maybe one day I will have the system refined to the point where you can use key ideas without understanding the underlying male psychology. But I’m just not there yet. Wishing you the best!


  18. Lorna (LaLa) said:

    PS – I forgot to click the “notify” box – please keep me in the loop for replies. Lorna

  19. Nadin said:

    How to protect his ego if he believes his colleague has a superior talent and he mentions that to me ? I work on a relatively close area and I know if we compare their results it is true that his colleague has better work. His colleague used to be his mentor before (because he is older and more experienced) but I feel he compare himself with that colleague, and I guess he needs an answer from me to make him feel better.

    • James Bauer said:


      There’s always a hidden complement waiting to be discovered. In this case, I have one example for you. He mentions how this coworker has superior skill. You could respond by appreciating his talent for recognizing opportunities for growth. Tell him it’s one of the things you admire about him…that he is going to go far in life because of his constant pursuit of excellence.


      • Nadin said:

        Thank you very much for quick respond. Excellent answer! Indeed the answer describes some of his characteristics!

  20. Lisa said:

    I should have studied ur blogs & learned valuable lessons ! I was dating a great guy,an old friend I bumped into after more than 20 yrsI I’m divorced ,he’s separated.We’re old but still very active. He’s a neurosurgeon & still actively practicing. I was looking for companionship,someone to enjoy activities .He was telling me he wants to practice until he can’t anymore& has to leave or cancel because he has to do emergency surgeries .The 3 hospitals he is on call for for trauma emergencies were bought & are asking him to meet to talk contracts”I said maybe this is a chance for him to think retirement & not wait until they ask him to leave!”He got very formal ,left after a few minutes & has’nt called since! I realized I have disrespected him . I have lost him & my heart is broken!

    • Joyce said:

      Have you told him that you’re sorry for disrespecting him? I would. I would call him, no writing, this is too important to leave tone and inflection up to interpretation. I’d want him to hear my voice. If he didn’t answer, I would leave a voice mail. Very simply, I realize I’ve disrespected him & how sorry I am. Something that let’s him know I really enjoyed our time together. I’d like to hear from him, when he’s ready. Then leave it alone.
      He’s a Neuro surgeon, he will check his messages. But, he’s a neurosurgeon, he must keep his mind free from distractions. Nobody knows this better than him.
      Lastly, he’s a married neurosurgeon! That in itself is quite the conundrum

      • Lorna (LaLa) said:

        Oh dear, Lisa. I know what you mean!! I made a terrible faux pas with my man, who WAS a lawyer but got struck off for making a bad decision – so he has to live with that huge blow to his ego already every day for the rest of his life – he knows how wrong he was but things just escalated out of control. Then I come in and twist the knife, when I accused him of doing something I disapproved of – unknowingly and because I also have a big ego and an even bigger mouth! He got angry with me and I told him we were finished and he went off immedialtely looking on the internet for a replacement – aargh!! Well, anyway, I think it is now slowly resolving itself. I agree with Joyce. I apologized profusely saying, both via email and then verbally, that I had questioned his integrity and I should never have done that – I am truly sorry. He seems to have calmed down. I think he is still very hurt, and he is very proud, but I am hoping that things will right themselves. His tounge-in- cheek (I hope!!) remedy for preventing a repeat is to say he is going to keep a book of misdemeanours and when I have chalked up 6 I will get six whacks on the bottom with a hairbrush. I’m not too sure about this and hope he is joking, but if my agreeing makes him feel that he is back “in charge” maybe it will work. My response was that he’d better get a very small book as I will never do it again!! It doesn’t help that we live three and a half hours away from each other and he has no money. We are both in the Autumn of our lives, but I am hopeful that we can overcome this hurdle and enjoy some of the time we may still have left together in harmony. It is not easy, but then relationships never are. However, we have James (adorable man!! – how’s that for an ego boost!!) to give us all quality, sensible advice from a man’s perspective. Once again, James, thank you for another wonderful article. It is taking time, but I am learning so much more about the male psychy, and I hope I won’t mess up this time. I never learnt in almost 40 years of marriage to my ex-husband what I have learnt from your forum. Wonderful stuff!! Best of luck, Lisa, and don’t give up just yet!! Lorna

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Lisa, I am intrigued to know if you have still lost contact with your friend. It would be nice to know that you have re-established contact after reading James’ article above. As you say your heart is broken, he obviously meant more to you than just a friend. There is no reason why YOU can’t get in touch with him, rather than waiting for him to contact you. Remember, as you say he is separated, he will be going through a lot of emotional turmoil now. Give it a go – relationships are too precious to just give up on at the first hurdle. You have nothing to lose. I wish you luck. Lorna

      • Ol' Grammy said:

        He is separated not divorced. So he’s a Dr. Ok.
        Comes across like a player, not a bruised ego. Just saying.

Leave a Reply

The name and comments you enter will be posted on our website. Your email address is not posted or shared. View our Privacy Policy.