Finding “The One” Is Tough. Here’s One Place You Should Always Look.

How To Find Just for a second, imagine your perfect guy. Not in terms of looks or chemistry. Focus on the mundane stuff. The things you’re actually going to care about a year from now.

  • You want a man who is willing to spend Saturday afternoon binge-watching your favorite TV show.
  • Someone who will really listen as you tell him boring stories from your day or vent about petty annoyances.
  • Someone you don’t have to dress up for. But who offers genuine compliments when you do.
  • You want a guy who puts you at ease. Who you can laugh with. Who understands your particular brand of crazy.

It can seem like this guy simply doesn’t exist. But for many women, he’s actually already in their lives.

I’m talking about that male friend who has fallen off your romantic radar. Or maybe was never on your romantic radar in the first place.

We tend to discount people who we’ve placed in “friend zone.” But we shouldn’t. Because the real foundation of a lasting relationship isn’t physical attraction.

What makes relationships work long-term, according to both anecdotal evidence and relationship studies, is friendship.

If you already have that foundation in place, so much the better.

So what’s stopped you from considering this guy in the past? Let me guess…

“But I don’t think of him that way.”

“If he liked me, he would have already made a move.”

“I don’t want to make things weird between us.”

Let me answer these fears one at a time.

  1. “But I don’t think of him that way.”That doesn’t mean you can’t. Do a test run. Try thinking of him in “that way” for two weeks. You might be surprised what happens.
  2. “If he liked me, he would have already made a move.”You don’t know that. Maybe he’s secretly pining for you but afraid to go for it.
  3. “I don’t want to make things weird between us.”Fair enough. If you try a relationship and it fails, things will likely always be different. But “different” doesn’t necessarily mean bad. That is, as long as you guys talk about it openly.

And if it does work out, you could have something extraordinary instead.

So I’m going to help you determine whether or not it’s worth taking this leap.

First, I’ll share signs that can tell you if he’s interested. Then I’ll show you a simple technique that can help take him out of your own mental “friend zone.”

You need to discover if there’s romantic interest – from both of you.

Let’s deal with him first. Here are some signs he might be interested in something more.

He’s your go-to dog-sitter.

It matters because it shows he’s willing to make your needs a priority. Sure, friends can do this, too. But it’s definitely a positive sign.

He’s there for you when you’re sick.

Your couch is covered in tissues. You’re in sweats. You feel awful. And when your doorbell rings, you know it’s him with something you needed from the drug store. He’s ready to marathon The Walking Dead with you instead of enjoying the Halloween party you’ve both been excited about for weeks.

He’s getting more physical over time.

You used to high-five. Now it’s hugs…that linger. And lately you’ve noticed him touching the small of your back and sneaking glances.

He notices when you dress up.

How To Find He’s cool babysitting you when you’re sick and you look like a shapeless sack of misery. But he’s also quick to tell you how great you look in your new jeans. Or comment that you should wear that dress when you come to his sister’s wedding in the spring.

Obviously, none of these things prove he’s interested. They’re signs. Indicators. But the more of them you notice, the more likely it is he’s up for more. There’s only one way to know for sure.

Give yourself permission to think of him “that way.”

It may just change your perception. And if it does, it may be worth trying to pursue something.

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5 thoughts on “Finding “The One” Is Tough. Here’s One Place You Should Always Look.

  1. Carol said:

    There is someone in my life who is a very close friend – who IS very much there for me In the ways you described – and I do feel that “other” sort of attraction. But we are also working together on a project. So it’s a complicated situation in that the project is very important to both of us and I wouldn’t want to do anything that gets in the way of it’s progress or completion. Some years ago he told me that he was involved with a woman he was working with on another project and it turned out to be a bad situation. So, I know he has the history of things NOT working out and when mixing personal and professional.

    I’ve been very happy with the friendship, but often find myself wondering what it would be like if we were together. I also often feel that if it’s meant to happen it will, but I haven’t wanted to push anything for the reasons I described above. But wondering what advice you might give?

    Thanks so much for your ever insightful blog!

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Carol, Believe me when I say “life is too short” (I am 68 – who knows how much longer I will have – one of my friends died suddenly a few weeks ago!)). Life really IS too short to be having regets when you are older. (You don’t say how old you are). Just go for it, for goodness sake!!! If you don’t grab him, someone else will, have no doubt about that – if he is worth having! – (see the comment above from Sharon!!), and then you will be crying your eyes out, wishing you’d been braver. Your happiness is much more important than some “project”, for goodness sake. And even if things do not work out with you two – the “project” will still be there, and I am sure you will be adult enough to rise above any difficult atmosphere and get on with it. James will tell you that working on something important together DOES bring you together emotionally and makes you stronger as a team. Maybe you are just scared for other reasons, and making excuses? Think about it. Best wishes. Lorna

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      PS – My initial criterion for deciding whether a “friend” could become anything else is to ask myself if I could KISS him (with, of course, whatever else that might lead on to). If the answer is a resounding NO, then I have my answer!!! Lorna

  2. Sharon said:

    James…I totally agree…but my situation is complicated. My best friend had all the indicators….I was married…then he got married, I am now a widow and his marriage is floundering….and the ” indicators” are growing more intense.
    We try to keep it open and friends…I don’t want to lose my best friend…but I definitely don’t want to be hated by him later…any advice?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Sharon. A good relationship emerges from a mutual need and desire. It sounds like you feel that part is in place. But the timing is bad for him, because he’s already promised to love someone else. It puts you in a powerless position. You don’t want to break someone else’s relationship. Instead, remain friends and seek love by meeting new people. If he becomes available before you find someone amazing, then so be it. But don’t spend your life waiting for something like that when you have no control over it.

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