This article is part of James Bauer’s top four relationship question.

What do you do when a guy you really like has other love interests and is kind of on the fence about a committed relationship with you as a result?

This issue came up a lot from those of you who submitted questions. The best way to deal with this situation is to combine two powerful techniques. The first technique is to start treating the relationship like it is nothing more than a game. I’ll explain what I’m talking about in just a minute. The second technique involves a no-pressure ultimatum (sort of an oxymoron, but you’ll see what I mean).

First, the game. Many ancient sources of wisdom tell us the same thing. Detach from outcomes and you will feel less worried and much happier. Here’s why this matters. Whining and complaining does not work to attract a guy who has several options. Men are highly sensitive to indications that a woman may be an emotional drain. Men are attracted to happy, energetic, and optimistic women who allow them to have their adventure and then cuddle and caress them when they get home. They are not attracted to women who seem to be frequently upset, angry, or worrying about where the relationship is going.

By treating the relationship like a game, you play a mental trick on yourself. You relax about the outcome, and focus more on enjoying the process of trying to succeed. You focus on enjoying the effort and purposefully detach your mind from outcomes in the future. The result is a calmer and happier version of you. You will not seem clingy or anxious. Instead, you will seem radiant and beautiful.

Here’s the second part. You offer a no-pressure ultimatum. Basically this is just a statement of fact. You tell him you are having a great time with him and you wish him well regardless of his decisions for the future, but you also feel he has a right to know that you have promised yourself not to date a guy for more than (fill in the blank) number of months unless it becomes an exclusive relationship.

This is a way of putting on the pressure, without seeming emotionally needy. You are simply letting him know that his options will be shrinking in the near future (just in case that matters to him). This method works remarkably well. It works far better than you would probably imagine. Men need some kind of deadline or prompting before they are willing to commit (this is even true when it comes to marriage).

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