“I’m Too Damaged” 2 Reasons to Believe Him

dealing with insecure guysIf a guy tells you he’s too damaged, too depressed, or too anything else, take him at his word.

Do you remember that Cold Play song, “Fix You?”

The chorus said, “Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” That was the most popular song from Cold Play’s third album, X&Y. It still gets radio play, and I can understand why.

It sounds sweet. The basic idea is even romantic that you could care about someone so much that your love overcomes the broken condition of their heart.

Unfortunately, it’s also highly unlikely.

But in spite of that, this is one of the questions I’m asked most frequently. Women want to know how they can rescue a guy who is neurotic. Someone who claims he’s broken or insists that he’s just not good enough for her.

So, I’m going to tell you what I tell all my clients. When a guy claims he’s messed up, you should be very cautious about moving forward. The same thing goes for a guy who goes on and on about how you’re out of his league. Sure, it’s flattering to hear at first, but it’s a significant red flag if he keeps at it.

Here’s why. When a relationship begins with that kind of dynamic, you’re more or less signing up to be his emotional guardian. Get ready to be his one-woman support network. You’ll spend untold amounts of time and effort working to protect his fragile self-esteem. No matter what you’ve heard about snagging a guy who’s a ‘fixer upper,’ it’s not a fun job.

It’s work. A lot of work.

The feeling that you’re always taking care of him will wear on you. Trust me. Most guys who see themselves as damaged aren’t all that great at returning love and support.

But there’s more.

As nice as it might be to think a romantic connection could redeem him, that’s rarely the case. The best relationships happen when two emotionally healthy people come together and form a truly intimate bond. Even if you’re willing to put up with his need for constant emotional reassurance, there’s a better than average chance it won’t pay off.

dealing with insecure guysInsecurity can be a black hole. You simply can’t give enough assurance to another person to make up for their lack of faith in themselves. That’s something that has to come from within. Telling him what he wants to hear won’t make him better. In fact, it’s more likely to encourage him to continue to be needy!

Besides, your relationship shouldn’t be all about fixing another person. Romance should be fun and exciting. It shouldn’t feel like a second job.

If you’re with a guy who claims he’s not good enough for you, don’t argue. Whatever his reasons, accept them and move on. Find someone who is less focused on their own deficiencies and more focused on you.

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75 thoughts on ““I’m Too Damaged” 2 Reasons to Believe Him

  1. Alethia said:

    Interestingly a guy I know and dated is this very man. He is damaged and I thought at first he was just unaware how to date and romance women. Turns out he is far more damaged than I realised and I had had it with him. The constant praising him, the emotional support, the lack of anything back to me was tiring and unfulfilling.
    Oh sure, his head would swell and his eyes would glisten in a smile being told how wonderful he is etc, but honestly, he wouldn’t go to counselling and it made me sad to think such a terrific guy otherwise, would be so demanding of me without him even trying.
    So, it was off to singledom for me, and I hope to find someone who is really there for me and can give me a compliment once in a while.
    Great article and one I will definitely bookmark!

  2. John said:

    I am the damaged guy, and this article is absolutely true. But I don’t tell women I’m damaged or that they’re out of my league (and they are) because I don’t talk to women. I don’t date and ignore flirtation. I don’t allow women into my life in any way.

    I don’t want an “emotional guardian” or for you to fix me. You can’t fix me, I won’t allow you to try, and you’ll be nothing except an irritation if you persist. Don’t feed me a bunch of lies about how great I am or how much you want me. I’ll call you a liar to your face and you’ll never see me again.

    I’m not bothering you, so just leave me alone. Why is that so hard for women to do? I show no signs of interest and pay them no attention, yet they’re always wanting to talk, or flirt, or trying to make me “feel better” in some condescending way. Then they get mad when I ignore them. Listen, it’s your fault you approached someone who clearly doesn’t want to be approached. Just like women don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe you anything.

    Just fuck off and leave me alone. Anything else and it always turns out worse than if we’d never met. Believe this article, leave the guy alone, and go find someone else.

  3. Sherz said:

    Thanks James, this article is very true. Actually fell for the mentioned type whom from the beginning claims to be broken – having lost his mother and couldn’t get over the loss. Anyways, time/years went by, hoping to help mend this but to no success. Your hard work and constant love will always become nothing to such men. They won’t appreciate anything but to continuously bring you down to the level of their desire. WHATEVER HIS REASONS, ACCEPT AND MOVE ON!…
    Thank you

  4. Anonymous said:

    Wish I had read this 7 years ago. it would have likely saved me from an upcoming divorce.

    • Kathy said:

      Me too!! This article is so true it’s amazing. Heed this advice!!


  5. ew said:

    Yes, this is very true. I warned my ex and she learned the hard way. Not that I was mean or unfaithful, but she had to put up with my depression and mental illness.

    I feel like putting girls thru my issues is a crime against humanity.

    • Lorna (LaLa) said:

      Ew, that is such a sad comment to make. Have you tried talking to a doctor, counsellor, or read self-help books to better understand what your issues are? We all have issues, sometimes we don’t even know we have until we start to look within, but until we bring them out into the light from deep within us, examine them and see them for what they are, face them, understand them and banish them from our lives – they will always have a hold over us. Be brave enough to do that – and you may find a supreme peace you’ve never experienced before. If we lock them away and pretend they do not exist, they will eat away at us. We all need each other, we cannot live without the sustenance, care and support provided by other human beings – be that through a one-to-one relationship with someone special, through family and friends or by joining clubs with like-minded people, or giving your time in a voluntary role. Cutting ourselves off from society just makes matters worse. Please try to come to terms with your problems and find some inner peace. I wish you well. Lorna

  6. Laura said:

    James, are you watching my life? Oh my gosh, nearly every article applies. I hooked up with this exact man. His opening was, “you’re WAY above my paygrade…” and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. We began this incredible romance he called being twitterpated (look it up, from the movie Bambi). But, soon, it became exhausting, trying constantly to reassure him I liked (loved) him and had the best intentions for us.

    This kind of relationship will rip you to shreds. It may start out on cloud 9 but eventually, sucks the life out of you and worse. A man like this becomes overly sensitive to every little thing you do or say and constantly looks for ways to diminish you and bring you down, perhaps in an effort to see you as equal or maybe even less than him so you are achievable? Who knows but take my advice, or better, James advice. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

    • Sherz said:

      Thank you Laura for your additional comments, very very true indeed.

    • Courtney said:

      I agree with you 100% and James is looking at my life too. Why is it that men with insecurity and baggage can’t decide to accept themselves the way they are and enjoy the wonderful life that’s offered? I was in a relationship for about 4 years, up and down and I just recently figured out when he started coming around again that he can’t accept me enjoying my life but he won’t commit fully either. He’s never put me down until yesterday. Told me “to grow up and go away”. Fortunately I know he’s only mad at himself because he is so messed up emotionally and can’t admit it. Whew! What an emotional roller coaster I’ve been on and I believe I am finally off!! My advice is to take James’ advice and RUN!

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