Love like a Loser

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.”

~G.K. Chesterton

how to love your man betterIf you don’t know someone personally who experienced this, I’m sure you’ve heard tales of people who were given a medical prognosis suggesting they have only three months to live. Oddly enough, many of these tales include some element of surprising joy and appreciation of life.

None of us would wish such a prognosis on someone, yet many of us have learned a valuable lesson from the experiences described by those who have walked this path. They speak of joy that seems to emanate from a sudden increase in their appreciation of the simple things in life that we typically ignore because of our constant pursuit of what’s coming next.

Humans are driven by the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. All of our motivation comes from those polarized drives. We want more pleasure, and we want to escape from pain.

Our efforts to get more pleasure and avoid pain drive our minds to dwell in the future. Oddly enough, the experiences of those with a short time to live suggest we are looking in the wrong place. Rather than looking to the future, their experiences suggest we can find the greatest joy by bringing our attention fully to what we have .

It is not easy to turn off the longing for other circumstances, or some moment in the future when we will finally be relieved of some gnawing emotional or physical pain. Being told you have only a short time to live makes it easier though. Near-death experiences also make it easier.

Sometimes the feeling that we have hit the bottom of the barrel can evoke a release, a change in perspective that allows us to stop the insane pursuit of some future moment and instead fully embrace life as we find it right now, unfolding around us with all of its mystery.

A woman who stands bleeding beside the car that was thrown into a ditch may not be focused on the inconvenience of having several lacerations and blood all over her favorite shirt. Instead, she may find herself marveling at the chance to live, the chance that was given to her to escape from death. Those who are faced with the possibility of losing everything are able to love life more deeply and richly because they are faced with that possibility.

Fully appreciating life means you see it more clearly. The foggy visions of the future and past generated in your mind’s eye are no longer the focus of your attention. Instead, you see and experience the joyful miracle of life unfolding. If you bring this kind of awareness, this special attention to the art of loving life, you will not regret it.

how to love your man betterIf you want to be a fantastic lover, love your man by fully appreciating each moment with him the way you would if he was going to be pulled away from you in a few short days. Love him the way your instincts would tell you to love him if there was no chance the relationship could become anything short of true-love in the moments you have left with him.

Living life tomorrow is not guaranteed, and highly valuing the present moment, brings a special quality to your presence. Others will sense it. You will seem less distracted, more alive. When others experience you as “full of life,” they will naturally be more attracted to you.

Am I being naive? I don’t think so. I understand the suffering and pain people face in this life, and I do not think we are turning a blind eye by embracing joy that can be found in the present moment. The more horrendous things are, the more we need to embrace the luminous beauty of joy that can be found shining in the hearts of those who choose to love without fear.

If you know what I’m talking about, leave a comment or a story below. Your story might “click” in someone’s mind in a way my article did not.


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79 thoughts on “Love like a Loser

  1. Maureen Kerubo said:

    Maureen,
    I am in an abusive relationship,both physical and emotional,my husband disrespects me and constantly tells me that I am not his wife,and that we are together because of our kids,we cant be able to communicate because he shuns me and says I can do watever i see is good for me,he says he doesnt care about me.he doesnt want to hear any sweet words from me,coz he says he is not my husband.It has been this way for around 3yrs.I am the one who propagates for any small communication which sometimes turns out against me and ends with abuses, He comes home late and wenever he is away he doesnt say where he is,and while back he wont say where he was and doesnt want to be asked.It really feels soo painful that I consider him my husband but he is mistreating me in all aspects,I do not feel that he is present in my life,except for paying the bills and financial needs.I only have the principles of Love ,found in 1st corinthians 13.guiding me,though i feel that I MISS appreciation,love,good treatment etc I will soo much appreciate your further help and advice..

    • Rosie said:

      Maureen you haven’t said how old your children are; but whatever age, do you think you are providing a good example to them by staying in this situation?
      You are teaching your girls and your boys (whatever they are) that neglect, abuse and unlovingness (for want of a better word) is normal and acceptable.
      Get a grip! develop some financial skills and move on from this situation. Ask for help from God, friends, family….3 years is too long. Of course you miss good treatment. Start by treating yourself better.

    • Maureen, there is no excuse for abuse and he is abusing you. I know because I have been there. You don’t deserve it and he will not change. I too held on for WAY WAY WAY to long in the belief that love conquers all. It may be true, but it does not necessarily mean the romantic love of your spouse. It can mean the love you will find from family and friends to get your life back. It can mean the love you will find again in the future with a man who recognizes the wonderful, loving person you are and appreciates it. It means the love you will regain for yourself when you put an end to this emotional torture he is putting you through. I can say this with confidence because I have been through it and am happier now than I’ve been in 7 years. I hate to be blunt but his long unexplained absences and “I’m not your husband” sounds like he has already moved on.

      You deserve to be loved, not abused. Get the emotional support of your family and start preparing to gt our life back.

      Find the book “Why Does He Do That?” to read up on emotional abuse so you know you are not alone, and it is not your fault.

  2. amanda said:

    This is so very true. I dated a man for 2 weeks and all he did was love me. He called me “love” “my love” “baby and babe” in the first few days and I was shocked at how fast he was moving but I’ve never felt so good in my life and I’ve dated quite a few guys. To this day I can see his smile and feel the love he gave me. He was full of love… and he just glowed with energy and yes he was alive. He was so present. He I will never forget and I learned from him.

  3. Ellie said:

    what do you do when you try to spark spontaneous romance, and your partner brushes you off??

    • James Bauer said:

      Ugh. I’m sorry he is responding that way, Ellie. I will try not to jump to conclusions and start judging him. Instead, let’s do a thinking experiment. What might it mean if the situation was reversed, where you were declining to respond when he spontaneously attempted to spark a moment of romance? There are many potential reasons, aren’t there. You could be feeling sad. You could be feeling tired. You could be experiencing frustration with something else that is preoccupying your mind. I guess my point is, unless you ask what his experience is, you are unlikely to guess what is going through his head. Guessing why he responds this way will likely yield frustration, while asking gently if he is okay might reveal some insights.

  4. Tammy A Evans said:

    I love w my whole & always have. I have been in fatal situations & a coma but I always lived as though there may not be tomorrow. I’ve had amazing loves that most can only imagine. But now I am dying & unfortunately extremely weak & fragile. My one strongest love contacted me after I already had begun to deteriorate & it’s so hard not to have the energy to enjoy him truly. I tried over years to contact him but he held onto anger over things that he thought happened but didn’t. It’s sad for him as he has the regrets of not acting on his love .
    I believe the world can be cynical & yes we all get hurt at times but loving someone so completely & knowing they feel that way too is so worth the risk. There is no better feeling in the world.
    Now my past love shares his detailed memories w me of our romance when I’m having more pain & for awhile everything seems ok although I know he has such regrets. I cherish those I’ve loved totally & don’t regret anything. Now as Im fading, many have contacted me & grateful for loving them. Yes many apologize for hurting me but we all grow differently. I’m honored that the men I’ve loved are aware of what I gave them.
    To love in any other way than completely is sad for each partner.
    Let go of fears, be vulnerable & love with your whole heart. Nothing is lost when we share ourselves totally. The more I loved the more lovable I seemed to become.
    And yes we should love ourselves enough too to know when someone is purposely hurting us & we must walk away.
    Above all love God & trust in His miracles as they occur every day!
    I’m still praying for another miracle now & will until my last breath.
    Love depicted in movies does exist & it’s indescribable & amazing. But one has to give love without hesitation in order to possibly be lucky enough to receive it.
    That type of love changes us & I wish more could fully know what it feels like. I pray u each take that leap. Love always, Tammy

    • Lily said:

      Bless your heart Tammy… Im beginning to realize now that Love is a powerful weapon that God has given us in which as a woman is our domain to protect and uphold. We grew differently and face different journey in life. One thing is truly important … to know that love with its depth, height, wide and length which is firstly introduced to us by God himself in Christ Jesus. No one can hurt us unless we allow them. And yes… its more divine to choose love than fill our hearts with negative feelings. A wise woman knows how to let go and what to hold fast to. You are powerful than you thought. 🙂

  5. Dela said:

    As a breast cancer suyvior, I can say live each day like you were dieing. Have no regrets, After 2 horrible abusive marrages. the last one left after 28 years of marrage and went back to his x, he took everything left me and our daughter with $40.00. I can truely say sometimes the thing we fear the most happens, but life turns out for the best as we grow from it. After the last one left I took a look at myself and figured out that I was atracting abusive men, I realized I had to change. Now I am in love with the most wonderful man in the world, he treats me like a queen. It is the most awesome thing in the world. But due to all of the crap I went through my daughter wants nothing to do with any guy, because she has had an abusive relation also. Now she sees that there are some men it this life who are not like that and know how to treat a lady. My daughter tells me (mom you are awesome now, but back then you were a bitch) I am truely grateful as she was headed down the same path that I went down for many years. Thinking I had to stay with an abusive man. I think any couple can work out any problem except if he is abusive, I thought if I loved him enough he would quit. Instead the kids learned it was ok to be abusive. I have no regrets just a wonderful life ahead of me.

    Thanks James for your program you are awesome

  6. Lenka said:

    Yes James, I truly appreciate and I understand what you are talking about…even when sometimes it is easier said than done, simply due to habit and conditioning…once one realizes this, one instinctively “knows” that the Best place to Be, is Embracing the moment of Now, because when you realize that the moment of now is being with Source, then that’s the only place You really want to be !

  7. Sylvia said:

    This is exactly what I am doing, it took me long time to understand the sense of love and life. I am happy where I am now.

  8. NG said:

    Honestly, loving yourself is a very good thing and it’s always positive. it can never be negative. You found out that by loving yourself first you will be able to reach others including your partner. Even if you are not meant to be together, you WILL ALWAYS FEEL HAPPY WITHIN YOURSELF i mean happiness continued nonstop and whoever will always remember your loving side that had registered!
    when you love like no tomorrow, and like a loser, to me there is nothing to lose actually because those ingredient like joy and happiness that you put up while loving are yours and will remain with you!
    In an abusive relationship, try to stay out of the environment especially where children are involved, they need clean environment in other to carry on with the loving attitude otherwise they will be destroyed! THINK OF WHERE YOU WERE BEFORE THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, you will still be ok, happy and loving when you move yourself away from it

  9. All my life believed no one could love me. Shocking, met a guy four years younger than me. He loves me. though i’m still getting used to the idea of us being together. He makes me happy. All the time i think will my parents and friends accept that? BUT right now i am at my happiest!

  10. Ingrid said:

    Seven years ago I survived lung cancer. Only 15 percent with that diagnosis do. Why me? It completely changed my life and I am now writing a book about joy of life. I want to help people go from black and white to full color without having a terrifying life threatening experience first.

    • James Bauer said:

      Excellent! I’m so glad you are working to share that story in a way other people can benefit from. (And I’m so glad you survived!)

  11. Karen said:

    I went to high school with a guy who was in awe of me although I never knew it. 25 years later we met again on Facebook, he still lives in the same town but I moved 1000 miles away 9 years ago. I have very little money a 11 year old little girl who lives with me but her father helps support her. The guy in high school told me he has been in love with me all these years, has been thru 2 divorces but never could fill the hole I left in him all these years. I didn’t know he even know he liked me until we met again a year ago on Facebook but since then I have fallen madly in love with him. I have too many loose ends to tie up where I live now to just move back to where he is but he says if I really loved him I would do whatever I had to. My daughter comes first and I don’t have money to move our stuff right now or find a place to live there and get her transferred to another school. I’m so torn, I love him but how do I stop him from pressuring me every time we talk which isn’t often anymore because I feel like he is punishing me for not putting him first.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Karen. It sounds harsh, but consider why I say what I am about to say. Unless you plan to eventually be together in person, there really is no point in spending a lot of time building a long distance relationship. So if I was coaching him on relationship issues I would counsel him to either move to where you live or begin to pull back and try to move on. Sounds like maybe there is a reason you did not mention regarding why him moving to you is not a consideration. If neither of you is willing to relocate, the relationship is not something you should pursue. So the pressure he puts on you is probably an indication that he is not yet willing to give up on a relationship with you.

  12. Joan said:

    It takes courage to ‘to embrace the luminous beauty of joy that can be found shining in the hearts of those who choose to love without fear.’ To live in the moment with such trust is the path and the adventure of deep love.

  13. Michelle said:

    When you cannot find the good in people or situations – be the good.

  14. Alima said:

    Im such a victim when it comes to love and fears.im usually too busy thinking of the future and what will become of the relationship so much so that at the end of the day im afraid to love completely.this has played alot on me and now I prefer being single than being in a relation that will lead to nothing BC im afraid of the future. I love ur idea of living in the moment but to be frank its not going to be easy for me

  15. Ani said:

    My husband died in our house, in our bed , two years and four months ago. The past year(2015), I found myself involved with a man in an extremely passionate affair, off and on for a year. I am aware that I sabatoged what we had, maybe it was his lying, and other things, or maybe I just cannot open myself to finding someone that I won’t compare to my husband causing me to feel guilt, so I basically exhibited terrible behavior that is not even me so that I would not have to break it off with him, but so that he would end our involvement and I would not have to feel any guilt. The thing is, we were both extremely attracted to one another and I cared for him very deeply and maybe even loved him, but as soon as I started to feel more for him, I withdrew and pushed him away, badly.

  16. Vanessa beckett said:

    I have to live this way everyday. I love my guy as if tomorrow I may never see him again. He comes from another country and has a very strong pull from his family to move back home. He is trying his best to collide marry the world he has with me here in ththe US and the obligation he has from back home half a world away.
    It’s tough but all I can say is destiny will be the ultimate decider of our fate. So until then, I love him everyday as if he were leaving tomorrow. And I can wholeheartedly say, we have th best relationship because of this and I am completely emotionally free and satisfied in a way I have never felt in my life before.
    I have learn d so much about loving, giving and receiving what I have today in this moment.

  17. nompumelelo said:

    I struggle to live like this and yet it is the way to live a happy and fulfilling life. I have taught myself that i should live with gratitude, be thankful for what I have today coz most people out there are still struggling to have those things, like shelter. Shelter is basic and yet most people do not have shelter and live on the streets.

  18. marenvrinda said:

    I don’t really understand this sentence—does someone know what he means here?
    “Love him the way your instincts would tell you to love him if there was no chance the relationship could become anything short of true-love in the moments you have left with him.”

    • Lena said:

      Marenvrinda,
      imagine that one of you have a terminal illness, you know that your days in this life is counted. How would you love each other? You would not hold back, you would not be afraid to express your feelings, you would appreciate every little joy, every precious moment.

      • marenvrinda said:

        oh, okay, thanks!

  19. Dianna said:

    At 15 my father who was only 51 died after a horrendous battle with cancer, 9 months later my 27 yr old married brother who had 2 daughters and his wife was pregnant with their son died in a mining accident. When I was 22 I came within hours of death from hemmoraging bcuz of undisgnosed inflammatory bowel disease, when I was 23 my cousin who was a brother bcuz he was an only child and lived only one block from our family (him and my 2 brothers were the 3 musketeers, inseparable) died in a head on collision. Then when I was 33 my only living brother was deported back to Canada where everyone in my family is from except me and the next year at 65 my mother died of lung cancer. I learned self love from my amazing, amazing family growing up they taught me to love, nurture and care for myself. I am so glad they did because I unfortunately was married to a narcissist in my 30’s and had they not taught me this I would’ve never survived all the thing that happened to me! Self love is key to being able to get through difficult times and appreciate what life has to offer. Having lost everyone except one brother to death by 34 has only enhanced my ability to appreciate every moment in life. I didn’t know but I was practicing mindfulness way before it was the in thing! Do not take anything for granted, I always jump in with both feet bcuz many risks are worth taking! Life is a journey but it’s also still an adventure! ENJOY IT and live everyday like it’s your last!

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