The #1 Method For Building Emotional Intimacy With A Man

building emotional intimacyMen put up a tough exterior, but inside they crave affirmation of their manliness.

They crave respect.

Men feel so strongly about respect and disrespect that the absence of it can end a relationship.

Why have you never heard of this before?

It’s because of several reasons, but one reason is that the desire for respect is so deep that many men don’t even realize other people (women) don’t sense it.

You know how men can be so emotionally insensitive and act as if logic is the only thing that matters in an argument? It sometimes seems like men are emotional idiots.

Well it feels kind of like that for men when it comes to the respect issue. Although…it’s not quite like that because men just clam up and pull away instead of verbally expressing their exasperation.

building emotional intimacyMost men don’t realize you have to point out ways a woman has subtly shown disrespect. They just get angry and close down or pull away.

He assumes you did it because you don’t respect him. Your man will feel unloved by you when he doesn’t feel respected.

The respect issue is so powerful, I want to urge you to spend some time training your mind for greater awareness of the way it affects men.

This is my invitation to you. Use the training material I’ve put together for you on this topic. You can get a copy of my guide on this life-changing concept here.

Watch for my next post on the topic of affirmations and self-esteem. Do affirmations work? We’ll dive into that issue next.

James Bauer

What Men Secretly Want

After consuming this short-guide, you will possess a secret that men cannot express well because it is so foundational to their view of the world that they don't even realize it is there.

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52 thoughts on “The #1 Method For Building Emotional Intimacy With A Man

  1. Rhonda J. said:

    Got a new address.
    So, now may get to read these interesting insights.
    My last guy ( for 6 yrs) was the ultimate challenge.
    A confirmed Bachelor/ Player. I was really taken in,
    until I talked to one of his “others”. aaargh!

  2. Liaura said:

    I am not so clear about the “respect” concept. I feel men are in need of feeling valued, feeling they are needed, they have a role, they are efficient, they are helpful. Is it what you mean by “feeling respected”?

    • James Bauer said:

      I wish it really was that simple. For men it is not. It has much more to do with his perception of what you believe about his “status” among men in particular and people in general to a lesser extent. It also has to do with the nature of your particular interpersonal dynamic with him. Check out this link if you want to really dive into the respect principle and understand it completely.

  3. Christina said:

    i strongly agree with you…..
    so thank you very much to make realize it before things getting worst.
    i am really enjoying your training. May God bless your work…

  4. Sara Jane said:

    “his perception of what you believe about his “status” among men in particular”

    OMG this is SO true. My ex hated that I had friends whose husbands made substantially more money than he did. He thought I was judging him by that standard, where in truth I really didn’t care as long as he treated me with respect. When that stopped it all fell apart, but much of it stemmed from this “what he thought I thought of him” in terms of our social circle’s hierarchy. And he could never see that it was his own issue of insecurity and not mine. Ugh!

  5. Mary said:

    I have no idea what you’re talking about. I can’t even figure out WHERE to start looking for these men that you are talking about – and I’m 43 years old! All I keep finding are the mama’s boys, the drug users, the stalkers and the Howard Wallowitzes of the world. No offense, but some of those guys I don’t respect and couldn’t fake respect no matter what I tried.

    • James Bauer said:

      It certainly can be frustrating, Mary. I wish it was easier to find the right person. I cover some very specific ways of finding people who are likely to be a better match in my WMSW training course. I hope you’ll check out the course rather than giving up on finding someone worthy.

  6. Vicky said:

    But women also want respect. We just don’t react by pushing men away (how disrespectful is that!!!). Maybe because we’re more aware of our feelings and able to articulate them, even though respect (like trust) is not something you can ask for. It has to be earned.

    • Louise said:

      I agree. And the first person you have to earn that respect from is yourself! Then it’s easier to openly respect others.

  7. Colm said:

    As a man I would like to offer the following about respect. I have been exploring my own inner world for several years hoping to identify the inner motivations that fuel my responses. I feel alive by taking actions that express my inner values. The more inner values an action supports the more alive I feel. When I experience the person I am with traveling along side me their presence helps me feel more alive, more able to relax and express my values. When the person I am with interferes with my actions/movement I experience being stifled by my own conflicting values. When I experience respect I feel supported, valued, and alive. When I experience disrespect I experience blockages, internal conflict, slow death. What will cause me to experience respect or disrespect is a question I am exploring now.

    • Louise said:

      Wow, Colm. What a clear explanation and picture into the male psyche. Thank you for posting that. Can’t wait to hear what you discover with the respect aspect.

  8. I’ve totally just fallen into this. My guy of 9 months has cut contact after a fit of rage (non-violent) for a tiny thing. When I think back over the weekend we had spent together I realize I disrespected him several times. (as well as making a joke about him being sterile, and letting him know I earn three times as much as him). I don’t know why I did that and really regret. Is there any hope? I’ve sent an email apologizing and saying I respect him. No response. Help!

    • James Bauer said:

      That will take some time to recover from. Words won’t be able to easily or quickly undo the effect. Give him time to digest the apology and let your communication be steadily respectful (more so than apologetic) whenever you send him a message.

      • Colm said:

        My suggestion is to tell him that you do respect him, that you recognize you need to learn what disrespect looks like to him and how to express respect in a way meaningful to him, and ask him to help you. Apologizing helps. Asking that you and he work together, that he help you, shows respect and gives him positive actions that express his values. Of course one of those values is being of service to those important to him.

  9. Jody said:

    I know what you’re talking about. When I lost respect for my husband because of his drinking and depression, I had to leave. I am much happier on my own than being with a man I don’t respect.

  10. I have known from the beginning the qualities and attributes I most value in a man (and it has changed a little over the years as I am now 76). I met my current boyfriend last December after conversing online just a bit and exchanging photos. The most important things to me (other than physical compatibility) are honesty and knowledge of fixing things. As a former engineer, I could not respect a man who knew less about home systems than I. Our first conversation in person, in a mall went on over 2 hours and by then I was thinking that I wanted this man (we had discussed other things online) and when we kissed in the parking lot as we returned to our cars, I was convinced and overwhelmed. Things are going very well and we spend every Saturday/Sunday together and have now started (about 6 weeks ago) to have square dance lessons every Tuesday. He already dances, so it is for me to learn the steps, and he has bought a couple of outfits for me that match his shirts, and I bought my petticoats. I’m going that to join him and he is joining my group of re-enactors.
    I believe that he knows I respect him, because I ask his advice on things and his help when I know he can provide it (I had a piece of lapis and a pair of gold earrings that had lost 1 of the cabuchons; he cut another from my stone). I also had him look over the contract with my realtor (I’m moving out to his area, not only because of him, but the hobby clubs that I’ll be able to join as well). Acknowledging his law degree and knowledge of contracts is just another way of showing my respect. He also accompanied me as I looked at some of the houses I selected on Zillow with the realtor. And I never forget to thank him for his help. We both cook together more or less on the days we’re together but one takes the lead by turns, so I am sure to express my appreciation of that as well. He does too, expressing admiration for some embroidery on a square dance shirt to better match my outfit. I think those are all valid examples.

  11. Green Sea said:

    Hi James, thanks for this wonderful material you have created! I am certainly becoming more sensitised to men’s inner worlds as I am going through your training materials (just purchased).

    I had a question related to my relationship and was wondering if you could share your perspective on this?

    We were not officially in a relationship. It was a business relationship that turned personal. Due to that, there were some complications on the work front.

    When we had our last conversation (and it was nasty!), he told me that I didn’t value work. This is definitely not the case, but I could see he was upset that I had not just gone along with every plan of his the way he wanted.

    I feel I lost respect in his eyes. And, fact be told, I am not able to digest this. I want him to once again value me as a competent worker in her own right and not just as the fantasy of his wet dreams… because, ultimately, we are never going to be man and wife (for a variety of reasons). But, I want my due respect where it is due.

    I am no longer working with him, but there is a chance I might. I don’t want him to approach future projects with a sense of lack of faith in my abilities.

    I would truly be grateful to know your thoughts on my situation. It would really help me understand my position in it better.

    And, yes, I am learning my lessons about mixing business with pleasure…

    Many thanks in advance for any guidance!

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Green Sea. People often say things they know will sting when angry. Often, these things are chosen because they hurt, not because they are true. My guess is he has not lost faith your competence as much as he implied. If you believe he has, you have not stated any reasons that he might lose respect other than his own egocentrism (believing others must see it his way or they are wrong). If there are things that you disagreed on, you stood your ground, which demands a certain kind of respect (a good kind).


      • Green Sea said:

        Thank you! This is helpful.

  12. Lesego Toto said:

    hi James
    I real enjoy your training and I agree with you.Men should also respect us women.
    God bless your and give you more life

  13. K said:

    I’m really into a man I’ve only been on a couple dates with. He’s text me everyday but once for the past 2 months. I try to resist replying to every text he sends, but sometimes I know I overdo it. He’s looking for a long term serious relationship, but is still using a dating website we met on. He says we need to know each other better before any title of “girlfriend/boyfriend” comes into play. I see his point, but we’ve been communcating daily (he usually sends the first message eeryday) so I feel like we know each other pretty well. I know he’s talking to at least a few other people on te dating website. I realize guys worry about picking the wrong partner, but should I be concerned about his use of the dating site or just relax and let him do whatever he needs to do?

    • James Bauer said:

      At this early stage in the relationship, he is doing what I would recommend (for both men and women). Get to know lots of people and don’t put all your eggs in one basket until the relationship has matured a little bit. Be 100% honest with everyone you interact with about that so they can decide for themselves if that is okay.

      It seems he has respected you and continued to pursue you while learning about himself and other women through the open dating phase of the relationship. Hopefully it will evolve toward an exclusive relationship soon, but no, it’s not something to worry about right now.


  14. Alicat09 said:

    I’m female and respect is very important to me. While we should respect everyone regardless of gender, there are times when respect has to earned as well. The number one attribute I look for in a man is integrity because this covers so many things including respect.

    • James Bauer said:

      Yeah. Integrity is a very good place to start when making a list of important qualities to look for in a man.

  15. Crystal said:

    I agree a man must also respect a woman. I got very close to a man and he was chatting to other woman so I started chatting to other men and this is openly on google+ ie commenting on my page. He started avoiding me and stopped messaging me. Why do men think it is good for the gander but not good for the
    goose? I must admit it infuriates me when they dont talk and tell you what is wrong – sometimes you dont know what you have done. A man always says if you want us to do something then ask dont expect us to guess. So how about a bit of that in return.

  16. Melissa said:

    Hi James and all posters n readers! I recently came to James Bauer’s site and wonderful emails and tips on dating men and the Respect Principle. I had been single for 2 yrs after being split from my husband for 7 yrs. Like many of you I was about to give up all hope on ever having a meaningful relationship and finding true love. I haven’t found it yet but have started dating a few men. I feel guilty about it as I was always taught to only go with one man at a time or be considered a slut. But that hasn’t worked for me in the past as I’ve put all my eggs into the wrong basket not searching out the right basket for me! I’ve been implementing James’s techniques and am very pleasantly surprised to say its been raining Men for me lately and I finally have the option to CHOOSE the correct man! I’m in early stages with all of them so nothing serious yet which is good as I want to really get to kniw them before I make my decision! Just wanted to share and say thank you James your information is PRICELESS!

    • James Bauer said:

      Great work, Melissa! It’s difficult to try something new. It always feels like a risk. I’m glad you’re receiving some payoff for your courage.


    • Lucy said:

      Good for you, Melissa! I get your concern on the stigma of that title, but not only is it so far removed from accurate in your situation, I have to say I never understood what was wrong with being a “slut” anyhow. I mean, so what? If somebody likes sex and is respectful to her/his partners in it and uses protection, I really don’t get what’s wrong with it. They’re still a person and can be an amazing one, even if they like the “forbidden” sex. I say just enjoy yourself and not worry about titles, as long as you’re being fair to whomever you get involved with…AND yourself!

  17. Wanda said:

    Unfortunately, I did not know this about men when I was in a relationship. I was disrespecting him and never knew it or the impact it would have. I did notice he seemed angry often but he would just say he didn’t want to fight with me. We started having mini breakups for a month at a time and then it finally ended where he didn’t want to get back together but remain friends. I just wish I had known what was going on. I don’t know that it is fair though of a man to not tell you what is going on. If he had explained to me some things I would have gladly tried to change my behavior cause it was never my intention to disrespect him. How can you know what you don’t know!! Thanks for the insight. Too late for my relationship but I hope to bring this knowledge with me from now on.

  18. Trisha Charles said:

    Teach me how to discilpline and manage my own life

  19. Jasmine said:

    Sometimes I’ll choose to do things my way verses his or not do it his way because I like doing things a traditional way, the way I’ve always done it. For example, I like to keep my agenda in my notes app but he says to put in a calendar so I would remember and see it; however, the way I do it I’ve always remembered my appointments and important events. I wasn’t very open to the idea and I attempted to give it a try and it wasn’t working for me. After he saw I wasn’t doing it his way I guess he took it as a sign of disrespect and he got mad and said I think he’s young and immature(He’s younger than I am).

    How can I do things my way, but also allow him to be okay with it and not get mad or get offended by it?

  20. Linda said:

    James is spot on about the Respect principle . I am a female cop who has worked with the men for 34 years. What normal sane person would stand outside in subzero weather standing 4 hours at night outside a bar for a little extra money ? They love it when a drunken woman stumbles outside in a stupor and tells them how they respect them! Crazy! I also tried James’ Respect principle online dating profile. I added I am independent and respect a man’s freedom.Wow, what a difference in response!

  21. Donna said:

    I respected my ex. Even allowed him to use me after we broke up. ( nothing like your thinking). I respect myself to much to be friends with benefits. But even after he cheated on me I tried to show him respect and compassion. Knowing that I allowed him to get away with hurting me only made him disrespect me even more. Now he doesn’t even acknowledge the child we had together. I’m in therapy for the mental and emotional abuse. He always made everything my fault and blamed me for everything.

    • Lucy said:

      Oh, Donna, I feel for you! I think there is a line where standing up for your principles and respect for another shouldn’t cross. It’s hard to recognize it, AND act on it, but you must respect yourself and stick to what that means to you by not allowing another to go against what that is for you. Once you define that for yourself and begin acting on it, even if you need to take baby steps in the beginning, do so. Just keep working towards better, telling yourself you ARE getting better, and that you’re enough. You deserve to be respected and loved, and are fully capable of receiving it! You are enough, and it’s OK if someone rejects you.
      It’ helped me to learn I’m responsible for my own feelings, my own happiness. Nobody else can give that to me or take it away once I learned that. And it gave me great power in my life and relationships, and power in a good way. I don’t mean power over others, just power in making my life better and handling difficult situations better.
      You are enough! It’s OK if someone rejects you. And you are in charge of your own happiness. If something happens to change the last one, ask yourself what you can do to change that, make it better now, and what you could’ve done to prevent that, or amend it.
      I wish you the best!

  22. Joan said:

    I have being seeing this guy for three years now this January
    We have taken many vacation together , evert time we go time somewhere special ! He would say my ex love this he even call me by her name ! I can’t get him to stop . Then he too a vacation with her without telling me first . I found out the day of the trip ! He said its nothing but to me I think there is something there ! When ever I talk to him about he get offensive . They have no children or I would say the kids comes first
    Am thinking of ending it for this woman don’t want us to be happy
    Please help

    • Lucy said:

      It sounds horrible that he didn’t tell you ahead of time he was taking a vacation with her. Wow! That’s a big deal anyhow, but he should’ve told you. I don’t care if he comes up with something like, “but if I told you you would’ve been mad, like you are now.” I find it very disrespectful! You should be the one who’s feelings he’s trying to preserve, not avoid. You should be the one he goes out of his way to tell you things, and to spend time with. Friends is one thing, but going on a vacation is an odd thing to do.
      I’ve taken a few vacations with other men when I was in a relationship, but I told my bf ahead of time. Not only that, but there were genuine reasons I went on those vacations with those other guys, it was because they were work related – helping to generate more work for both of is, events and things. And I was completely faithful, and my bf trusted me. Your situation is much different!
      And your bf’s also being insensitive by getting offensive when you bring it up. I would have a hard time being with this man again if I were you.

  23. Caroline said:

    Hi James I find your information really interesting and helpful. I;ve been experiencing emotional trauma recently due to my husband of 22 years showing a high interest in a younger female work colleague to the point where he was sending her naughty texts and sharing lunch dates with her. They flirt with each other and even though she’s in a relationship herself it doesn’t seem to stop her flirting with other men. He’s assured me there is nothing in it only that he gets on well with this girl and he likes the attention. I think its because he will be 50 soon and he is seeking to feel desirable to younger women. Would you recommend the Bonding Code as a way of working on things with my man? I love him very much and don’t want to lose him. Feeling vulnerable and scared. Thanking you for any advice.

    • James Bauer said:

      Caroline, I recommend you seek private consultation on this question (and maybe also consider a few sessions with a marriage counselor). Some boundaries need to be set to protect your marriage. Click here to ask one of our relationship coaches about your situation.

  24. Cathy said:

    Hi James, I was married for 28 years. We just seperated due to several reasons but the most important reason is that I didn’t give him the respect that he deserved over the years. I didn’t make him the most important person in my life. Now that I am aware of this I would like desperately to work on this to get him back. He told me that he doesn’t love me anymore. I wish that he would give me one more chance. But in my heart I know that it’s too late.

    • James Bauer said:

      Do you believe him? Or is there something that tells you he has not completely shut you out of his heart?

      • Cathy said:

        Hi James, He told me flat out that he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore although he hasn’t completely left me helping me with the bills and things around the house that needs doing. I know that he has feelings for me but not the same intense love that he used to have for me. I am trying to show him that my eyes are open and that I am willing to work on this marriage by putting him first and being in the present with him. I am trying not to be clingy or over the top but acting like myself but more aware of what I say and how I act towards him to show him respect and appreciation.

        • James Bauer said:

          It sounds like you are doing the right things now, Cathy. Now time is your ally. The longer he has to heal (while still having you in his life) the better. Time will be needed for him to realize it’s okay to trust his heart to you.

  25. Cindy Lumm said:

    Please, please ,please help me. I am in need of your help to save my marriage. I am a housewife of 19yrs and I am crazy in love with my husband but I don’t even arouse him any more. I don’t have the money to pay you for your “secret signals” so I guess that this is it for us. I would love to pay for your help hell I would pay any amount to save my marriage anything. He is literally my whole world. Desperately seeking solutions please

    Cindy L.

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Cindy. You mentioned a lack of physical arousal, but is his heart still in the marriage despite his waning libido?

      Some men experience a dramatic decline in libido as testosterone drops in middle age. Believe it or not, sexual desire has more to do with his own internal chemistry than it does with a person’s partner. Though one exception is porn, where the exposure to material can erode arousal in real life sexual encounters due to the brain’s natural habituation. Is he seeking sexual stimulation outside your relationship (e.g., other people or porn)?


  26. Arin said:

    Please help. My boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me about a month ago, after we had been fighting off and on for awhile. At first he said he didn’t love me and he was “done”, then the next day he said he really did love me but he was still “done” with the relationship and he was “broken” from fighting and confused. We have met a few times to discuss trivial things involving the split, but rarely about his feelings or reasons and then only short one word answers. He was texting and calling me frequently, but now he will go 3-6 days with nothing, he is acting very cold and distant, and reverting to the same party behavior he had before we met 10 years ago. I lam destroyed inside, I’ve lost the love of my life. What can I do to get him to see that I love and value him, and for him to come back? Please help

    • James Bauer said:

      Hi Arin. What is the one activity the two of you both enjoyed most as a couple? Any chance that he might accept an invitation to join you in that activity? Frame the invitation to include a sort of “requirement” that both of you agree not to discuss the relationship problems but rather just have fun together. If he’s in “party mode” this might sound good to him. It’s not a fix, but it’s a start.


    • Lucy said:

      I just have to say something I wish someone would’ve said to me, and that’s that you don’t know who “the love of your life” is until you’re on your deathbed. There is ALWAYS another person! I wasted so much time with the wrong guy, and pining over him thinking there would never be another, because I didn’t know that.
      Sure, work on this relationship as long as you feel it has a chance, but if it doesn’t, DON’T let that happen to you!

  27. romina said:

    Amo a un hombre …pero creo..que de la manera incorrecta he sido irrespetuosa tal vez, es la manera que aprendí …para defenderme de los hombres que dañaron mi vida… quizás… deba rendirme ya que el es un hombre importante y de otra cultura..en mi país..Sudamérica..nos enseñan que la mujer es la que manda..y toma decisiones …en lo personal entiendo que esto es totalmente disfuncional..que lleva a una tasa de divorcios muy alta, en país …y los hombres no les importa perder su autoridad como leales compañeros… dañando mucho los sentimientos de una mujer..

  28. Cute said:

    Hi James, kindly help… already planning to pay for the full course coz i desperately need it…just waiting to get the cash. But most urgently I need help. I am married for close to four years but i have frequently bumped on my childhood crush who proposed twice before i got married but for various reason i never gave him a chance. I deeply love him and every time we meet i go crazy and start texting all that is in my heart for him but he is really cold on me. i once deleted his number and kept out of touch until we bumped on each other again last december. since that day i have chatted him daily but he just gives me one word replies and says that i should remember we both have families now. I married my husband coz while we’re dating he got a major physical chalenge and had to support him but not coz i deeply loved him. I know this other guy was and is the love of my life though we never dated but he clearly told me that his plan was to marry me but i still went ahead and married someone else. His career made our communication difficult but whenever he was back we could meet . He got two sons with his ex. The problem is i can’t stop thinking about him and i can’t stop loving him now. kindly advise

    • James Bauer said:

      I understand why you feel regret. I understand why you wish you could go back in time and make a different set of choices.

      But there’s a powerful truth I want to remind you of. The only decisions that matter now are the ones you make in the present moment.

      Sometimes, our judgment is clouded as we imagine “what if” scenarios from times distant past. We must let go of the past so we can live fully in the now. Your life energy is tied up in a relationship that is no longer viable because of the decisions you both made to invest in other people.

      Continuing to chase after that relationship will only bring heartache. It will sap your life energy.

      It may help if you go through my minicourse on what to do when your heart loves a person who just isn’t right for you.

      In this case, it seems there are two reasons he’s not right for you. The first is that he has sealed off his heart to prevent himself from being hurt by you again. The second is that you have both made commitments to other people. Do not undervalue those commitments. There may yet be something beautiful to discover there.

  29. Lucy said:

    I ended up having an emotional romance with someone by accident – we got together as friends – but nothing physical happened, though we both wanted it, because we were both in relationships. He went off to the military, and kind of absorbed himself in his gf. And at a really hard time in my life, after not hearing from him, he contacted me. It had been a while and I was irritated and told him off. A few months later I thought about it and contacted him via Facebook (realizing he’d contacted me when he broke up with his gf). He was friendly, but we really don’t talk at all, and he’s openly making plans with another girl. I want him to be happy, but I also want to be fair to myself and deal with this in the best way I can, but it tears me up seeing him talking to someone else. There are a lot of things we didn’t say, and it’s kind of uncomfortable. I’d just unfriend him, but I’d rather say something before I did, and I’m not sure that bailing is really the right thing anyhow. I just want to deal with this in the right way. And I also still have my boyfriend. I know it’s not fair, and I’d never cheat, but I’m really struggling with this and feel like I’m going to explode all the time.

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